Hello All,
I thought on this rainy evening surrounded by peace and jazz music that I would update you on how things are.
As far as new news from Honduras, all I can relay is what I hear from the various people that I talk to. Roy tells me that Alvin has been in Nicaragua for the past little bit although he's not really aware of the reason he's there. Everything seems to be going as usual there. The girls are still in school, and Roy still takes them. Roy still goes to help Julio and Bessy on a regular basis. As of September 1, a volunteer named Haley has been living at the Eagle's Nest. She had lived and worked there before (prior to my time there this summer). I'm not sure how long she will be staying this time. Tía Sally has been in the US since July, and she was set to come back this month. However, a passport mishap resulted in a later arrival date back to Honduras, so I believe she won't be getting back until the beginning of October now. Mamí Sara has been holding the fort down nicely, I'm sure, and I hear from her from time to time. I relish her phone calls and smile each time I hear, "Cómo está, mi hija?" There is also a couple that will be moving to Honduras following language school in Guatemala. As of right now, Chad and Trina Baron are in Guatemala and are adjusting along with their young son to live in the midst of learning. If you'd like to read more about how they are doing or their plans for working in Honduras, you can go to www.chadandtrinabaron.com
Meanwhile, Roy and I are undergoing an adventure of our own--trying to find a way that he can come visit me either for Christmas or in May for my graduation. The current plan is for Christmas provided that he can obtain a visa in time. You would not believe the process that he is going to have to undergo just to come visit. Those of us in the US take for granted how easy it is for us to simply travel nearly anywhere we like at the drop of a hat. All it mainly requires is a passport and obtaining a visa upon entry. It is wildly difficult for someone to come to the US if he or she is from a Third World country because he or she carries the burden of proving that he or she will return to their home country and not stay in the US. Hondurans first have to obtain a passport which costs $75. Next, they have to call the US embassy to retrieve a PIN number, which costs $13. During that call, they must set up an interview at the consulate. The interview costs $150, and there is a chance that they won't receive a visa at all--meaning all of that money is wasted. There is no way that the average Honduran could afford to travel to the US. It would takes months and months of saving money (provided that there was even a steady job from which to obtain money). Roy is just now beginning the passport stage. Getting a passport is the easy part--it only takes two days in Honduras! Next, he'll have to set up the interview. Generally, they will give Hondurans nearly a month to obtain all the papers and such that they will need to make their case for a visa. This can include a letter of invitation from me, a letter of financial sponsorship, identification of various kinds, and any kind of proof that they have ties to Honduras and will return--proof of ownership of possessions or a home or business, proof of employment, strong family obligations, etc. They will also check the average monthly balance of Roy's bank account to decide if he can afford this trip (thus, the need for a letter of financial sponsorship). Essentially, one 2-3 minute interview with a total stranger will determine whether or not he gets a visa. (I find that these sorts of scenarios are becoming a basic trend for our lives--only mine was a 20 minute interview on the phone rather than in person.) At any rate, we'd appreciate your prayers about this matter. The fact that Roy is willing to come (despite the fact that he doesn't speak much English) and share in my life the way that I have somewhat shared in his is a huge deal to me.
I almost feel as if this year the year caught between two worlds. On the one hand, I have very few people here in the US who completely understand my draw to Honduras (I don't know that anyone but God understand the depths of my reasons for going), and on the other, there is no one in Honduras that completely understands what my life has been in the US for the past 21 years. Thus, I think it would help me immensely to have Roy come and see and be that person who knows my past life as much as he's involved in my present. But, it is all in God's hands. Only His will.
Thinking about Roy coming is both incredibly exciting and mildly terrifying to me. The US is wildly different from Honduras. So many simple things are going to be completely new for Roy--being able to drink from the tap, hearing English all the time, and even just the landscape. He wants very much to see snow (which is why we're shooting for December). I find myself thinking about the smallest things in my life from his perspective. This can be quite clarifying and scary. We live in such luxury in this country that it's sickening, and it would have to be overwhelming for someone who has never experienced our sense of "normalcy." I worry about how my environment betrays my own selfishness (as much as it depicts the injustice of the world). I didn't do anything to be born in great wealth (compared to the rest of the world) in the US any more than Roy did anything to be born in Honduras. There's a part of me that worries that he'll judge me (even though I know in my heart that he is one of the most merciful people I know) based on the way that I live here in comparison to the way that I live in Honduras. This realization only amplifies the truth of how much God should judge me (and all of us in the US, really) for how we live while many in the rest of the world suffer, but instead, He readily offers grace, compassion, and mercy. I don't understand it.
Anyway, life here is going well. I paint and run and pray and tutor and read and cook and clean and do all the normal things that I do. I have started field work for my education class, and I am working with a high school Spanish teacher. Thus far, I like the experience. I have to teach three times and be observed, and I look forward to the opportunity to teach. My attached tutoring is going very well, and I enjoy working with my kids. Today, as part of a community service program with one of my scholarships, I went to Shepherdstown Elementary School to work with an afterschool program. I almost naturally gravitate towards the kids that are the worst-behaved, the handfuls. I love them so much! I worked with two precious boys this afternoon who are so intelligent (although they're always in trouble) and who brightened my afternoon with their unbridled dancing in the rain and unleashed antics. Being around them warmed my heart and freed my own spirit. If only we would learn to act as children. . .
I spent this past weekend at home again. I watched Samuel's and Naomi's soccer games and just enjoyed time spent with my family. I do so love being at home. It is difficult to make the four hour drive home only to have to turn around and go back again, but I am grateful for the time that I do have there.
Meanwhile, I have started reading Heidi Baker's book Compelled by Love, and it is both simple and amazing. I highly recommend it.
I hope that you are enjoying this blessed Monday and feeling His warmth and love.
Sarah
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
College Graduation Here I Come!
Hello All,
So, true to my word, I am updating more. . .as in minutes later. My reasoning is this:
I just checked the score that I received on the OPI, and I got the score I needed to student teach and to graduate! I am so immeasurably grateful. God is so good to me, and He is so in control of my life. I am so thankful that my life resides only in His hands.
Love,
Sarah
So, true to my word, I am updating more. . .as in minutes later. My reasoning is this:
I just checked the score that I received on the OPI, and I got the score I needed to student teach and to graduate! I am so immeasurably grateful. God is so good to me, and He is so in control of my life. I am so thankful that my life resides only in His hands.
Love,
Sarah
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Independence Day
Hello All,
I know that it has been quite some time, and I don't know that any of you are necessarily still reading, but I thought I'd finally post an update. As the title above indicates, today is Independence Day--for Honduras (or at least it was when I started this entry). I can only imagine the celebrations that are going on, especially in La Esperanza. I miss it.
Life in the past month has been very good--quiet and simple. As I perhaps included in previous posts, right before I left Honduras, God directed me to Psalm 139, and I keep coming back to it here as well:
Psalm 139
God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too--
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful--
I can't take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute--
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts--how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them--any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you! . . .
Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong--
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
This scripture has become my prayer. More than anything, I long for God to investigate and purify my heart. In order to minister to others, I have to be a pure vessel. This is most definitely a year of preparation, and I cannot afford to waste time being complacent--not for me, not for the others I come in contact with, and not for Honduras. Thus, I want to be healthy in every aspect--spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want His presence to permeate every part of who I am, and I can gladly say that He is beginning to do just that.
My life on a day-to-day basis is fairly simple. I spend most of my time alone, actually. I go to class. I tutor in the afternoons, and I also have a job as an attached tutor for a remedial, "catch-up" English class here at Shepherd. I love my job! Although I am only in the classroom once a week helping the professor as she desires, the students in that class are very quickly becoming "my kids." I went from being an RA in the Honors dorm to working with students who feel like they don't know how to write. It's fitting for who I am and the direction that God is leading me. I feel right at home among them. In addition to the time I spend in class and tutoring, I also read, paint, and run often.
My senior project was approved, so I have started extensive reading that is no doubt a preparation for Honduras. My ultimate product will be an ESL curriculum specifically tailored for the forgotten youth of Honduras--juvenile delinquents, street kids, orphans, former gang members, etc. I recently finished a book called This Is for the Mara Salvatrucha by Samuel Logan, which is about the MS-13 gang. It's a gang that has a presence in the U.S. and Central America, and it is especially an issue among the people that I have met in Honduras. If you ever have the chance to read it, I highly recommend it. It sheds light onto not only the evil that surges through gang activity but also the very clear spiritual battle that is going on for so many youth across the world. Sadly, the fuel that often drives youth to become gang members is loneliness. It is only natural that everyone wants to be loved. We all crave a sense of family, and especially for many Latinos that are caught in the plight of homelessness or abandonement, it is a lifestyle that seems to offer what they are desperate for. However, it comes at such an unbelievably high price. Finishing that book presented me with some very strong questions for myself. I want to work with the forgotten, and that includes gang members. Thus, I found myself questioning, "Am I spiritually prepared to engage in the spiritual battle that is going on within the gang world?" and "Would I be willing to die at the hands of gang members if that is what God is calling me to?" I want both of the answers to those questions to be yes.
We don't hear a lot about martyrdom within the Western world, but it is certainly going on throughout the earth. One of the places where it is actually common is among the population of youth that decides to leave their gangs to become Christians. In Honduras, you can leave a gang to become a Christian. Gangs seem to have respect for that lifestyle, but you have to be serious. It is not a nonchalant decision. People wishing to leave the gang have to exit the same way they entered--by being jumped. For the two major gangs in Honduras, this entails receiving a beating for a designated amount of time by the designated number of members--for the two gangs in Honduras, it is either 18 or 13. If you survive the beating, you can be a Christian and are no longer a gang member. But, even then, the gang watches former members for a year to make sure that they are living the lifestyle that they have chosen. Any slip-up and gangs are ready to kill. When I was in Honduras, Papí Alvin told the story of two young gang members--one of whom now goes to the church in Tegus--who wished to leave the gang. The man who now goes to the church was receiving his beating, and while he was suffering and in tremendous pain, his best friend (who was still a gang member) kept telling him to hold on because it was worth it. The man survived and was free to be a Christian. His best friend later chose to become a Christian as well, but he was martyred. He didn't survive the beating.
Anyway, this is just one example of how God is shaping me. So often, I come back from Honduras feeling so torn between the culture of the U.S. and the culture of Honduras. But, God has finally taught me to want something better--His culture and His kingdom only. I almost feel as if I am having an out-of-body experience here in the U.S. I am taking every step possible to be pursuing the preparation God has for me here, yet I feel utterly disconnected from all that I have previously known. It is difficult to explain except to say that the U.S. isn't my home; Honduras isn't my home; I have finally found that the reality that means the most to me is only His Kingdom. Coincidentally, some of the songs that I have been stuck on recently come from a CD called Jesus Culture. Again, if you have the chance to listen to any of the songs, I greatly recommend the CD. One of the songs that convicted me the most was "Where You Go, I'll Go."
Where You go, I'll go
What You say, I'll say
What You pray, I pray
Life on God's terms is so very simple.
Running has become a central part of my life this year thus far as well. As I previously mentioned, I want to get healthy in all respects, and I am finding that so much of running is very spiritual. (Everything is spiritual, really.) I run 3-8 miles a day or at the very least a few times a week with a goal of 20 miles a week. I like to pray while I run. While my time alone and free time in general has made my dialogue with God so natural and constant, I find that running provides a time for me to stop focusing on me and my life so that I can intercede for the lives of others even if it is only through wordless sighs and aching groans. I find myself surrendering my runs to God and asking Him to move in the spiritual realm as I run around the track. Often times, God speaks through running to expose elements of myself that He still needs to uproot. It is humbling and a blessing to say the least.
Overall, God has brought me to an understanding of a basic struggle that I deal with often--complacency versus contentment. In short, complacency is self-satisfaction while contentment is God-satisfaction. God has begun to ask me in every aspect of life--are you satisfied? I dare you to begin to ask yourself this question within all realms of your life. It will shake you up because it defies the culture of the world we live in. It would seem that no one is satisfied--especially Christians in many cases. I am learning to rejoice in the satisfaction of God in so many of the details of my life. This being my first year in an apartment with a kitchen cooking for myself, I find that I am learning to be satisfied whether I am eating a sandwich or hot meal. And, when I am truly satisfied with Him, everything I eat tastes like the best thing in the world. I am becoming satisfied with spending my time alone--just me and God--even when I occasionally get lonely. Are you satisfied with your finances? Are you satisfied with your job? Are you satisfied with your family and your lifestyle? Are you satisfied with your home? If the answer is no, the only answer is to stop complacency (stop trying to fix all of these things to make yourself satisfied) and surrender all of those things to God, asking for His contentment. Be careful, though, because contentment only comes about by being in His will, which means we have to experience the pain of losing our own.
Loss is my current state of being. I grasp more and more every day what it means that this could be my very last year living in the U.S., and it blows my mind. I walk out of my apartment in the early morning, and the atmosphere has that weighty cinnamon smell of fall as I crunch dead leaves beneath my shoes. Autumn is my favorite season, and I may never experience it again after this year (or perhaps not in the same way, I don't know what the future holds). Honduras doesn't have changing leaves, and it's most noticeable season change is when the rainy season commences. I have begun to go through stuff. My book shelf (which typically contains my most prized possessions) is bare. My desk is now nearly empty. I keep throwing away pieces of my life, my past, and myself--old letters from friends, mementos from concerts and camps, old essays and ribbons. I am not one for a lot of "stuff" in general, but I am a memory keeper. I have kept so many things in my short life! Why do we have the inclination to hold onto the past as we do? I don't know. But, I do recognize the need for what Mamí Sara said in Honduras--we throw away the old to make room for the new that God wants to give us. It's all faith. I surrender the scraps of old memories knowing that God wants to give me new ones. I place treasured friendships and beloved people into the hands of God, knowing that He has called me to a new people. I have always been an adopter, so the idea of leaving behind people is relatively less painful because I adopt with no regard to proximity. I collect people no matter where I go, and through several painful lessons, I have learned that people are better suited in God's hands than in mine anyway.
God is the great conductor of my life right now, and in typical fashion, He brings encouragement to me in a variety of ways. This past weekend, I was home with my family when I came across a documentary called Mama Heidi on Netflix of all places. It is amazing. It is about a missionary couple in Mozambique who has a ministry, Iris Ministries, that is so very similar to Alvin's. The woman in the film, Mama Heidi, is, as my mother put it, very much a female Alvin. She adopts kids every where she goes. She loves the unlovely, and while I saw Jesus and Alvin in this woman while watching this documentary, I also saw myself. I want to spend my life loving the unlovely. I want to adopt everyone I come across. I want to bring the family of God to people that have no one. I want to be Mamí Sarah for those that don't have a mother. I have one very short life to live, and I don't want to waste it. There are so many that desperately need Jesus, and I want to take hold of the privilege of dying daily so that I can be Jesus to someone who does not know Him.
Another welcome encouragement came yesterday in the form of a phone conversation with Roy. I hadn't talked to him too much this past month, but as we began to compare the everyday events of our lives, I was so blessed to hear that we are doing and going through the same things. Roy is one of my closest friends, and it was initially difficult going from seeing him and talking to him every day to having little to no communication. But, in the midst of our separation physically, I take comfort in the truth that we are not separated spiritually. God is teaching us the same lessons in many cases, and we pray for each other often. I can't begin to express what an encouragement it is to know that I am not alone in my experiences. I miss Roy greatly, but God is leading us both in such a way that we are able to encourage each other.
I know that this entry is unbearably long (now that I have a laptop, I'll try to keep up with this better so as not to overwhelm next time), but I have one last update. I took the OPI (Spanish proficiency telephone interview) last Thursday. In addition to the personal weight it carries for me (determining student teaching and graduation possibilities), my score will also have an impact on the Spanish education department. The program is fairly new, and in order to achieve full accreditation status, they have to show evidence of progress via their students. There are only a handful of us Spanish education majors, and I will (hopefully) be the first to graduate with full certification. If I don't receive the score I need, the program likely does not have the results it needs to reach full accreditation. Saying all of that, it went very well. I wasn't nervous. I won't receive the results for a while, but I went into it know that God works it all for His good (and, thus, my good as well). He had His hand on the entire interview, and my life is in His hands. No matter what happens, He receives all the glory.
Thanks for sharing in my journey,
Sarah
I know that it has been quite some time, and I don't know that any of you are necessarily still reading, but I thought I'd finally post an update. As the title above indicates, today is Independence Day--for Honduras (or at least it was when I started this entry). I can only imagine the celebrations that are going on, especially in La Esperanza. I miss it.
Life in the past month has been very good--quiet and simple. As I perhaps included in previous posts, right before I left Honduras, God directed me to Psalm 139, and I keep coming back to it here as well:
Psalm 139
God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too--
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful--
I can't take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute--
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts--how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them--any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you! . . .
Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong--
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
This scripture has become my prayer. More than anything, I long for God to investigate and purify my heart. In order to minister to others, I have to be a pure vessel. This is most definitely a year of preparation, and I cannot afford to waste time being complacent--not for me, not for the others I come in contact with, and not for Honduras. Thus, I want to be healthy in every aspect--spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want His presence to permeate every part of who I am, and I can gladly say that He is beginning to do just that.
My life on a day-to-day basis is fairly simple. I spend most of my time alone, actually. I go to class. I tutor in the afternoons, and I also have a job as an attached tutor for a remedial, "catch-up" English class here at Shepherd. I love my job! Although I am only in the classroom once a week helping the professor as she desires, the students in that class are very quickly becoming "my kids." I went from being an RA in the Honors dorm to working with students who feel like they don't know how to write. It's fitting for who I am and the direction that God is leading me. I feel right at home among them. In addition to the time I spend in class and tutoring, I also read, paint, and run often.
My senior project was approved, so I have started extensive reading that is no doubt a preparation for Honduras. My ultimate product will be an ESL curriculum specifically tailored for the forgotten youth of Honduras--juvenile delinquents, street kids, orphans, former gang members, etc. I recently finished a book called This Is for the Mara Salvatrucha by Samuel Logan, which is about the MS-13 gang. It's a gang that has a presence in the U.S. and Central America, and it is especially an issue among the people that I have met in Honduras. If you ever have the chance to read it, I highly recommend it. It sheds light onto not only the evil that surges through gang activity but also the very clear spiritual battle that is going on for so many youth across the world. Sadly, the fuel that often drives youth to become gang members is loneliness. It is only natural that everyone wants to be loved. We all crave a sense of family, and especially for many Latinos that are caught in the plight of homelessness or abandonement, it is a lifestyle that seems to offer what they are desperate for. However, it comes at such an unbelievably high price. Finishing that book presented me with some very strong questions for myself. I want to work with the forgotten, and that includes gang members. Thus, I found myself questioning, "Am I spiritually prepared to engage in the spiritual battle that is going on within the gang world?" and "Would I be willing to die at the hands of gang members if that is what God is calling me to?" I want both of the answers to those questions to be yes.
We don't hear a lot about martyrdom within the Western world, but it is certainly going on throughout the earth. One of the places where it is actually common is among the population of youth that decides to leave their gangs to become Christians. In Honduras, you can leave a gang to become a Christian. Gangs seem to have respect for that lifestyle, but you have to be serious. It is not a nonchalant decision. People wishing to leave the gang have to exit the same way they entered--by being jumped. For the two major gangs in Honduras, this entails receiving a beating for a designated amount of time by the designated number of members--for the two gangs in Honduras, it is either 18 or 13. If you survive the beating, you can be a Christian and are no longer a gang member. But, even then, the gang watches former members for a year to make sure that they are living the lifestyle that they have chosen. Any slip-up and gangs are ready to kill. When I was in Honduras, Papí Alvin told the story of two young gang members--one of whom now goes to the church in Tegus--who wished to leave the gang. The man who now goes to the church was receiving his beating, and while he was suffering and in tremendous pain, his best friend (who was still a gang member) kept telling him to hold on because it was worth it. The man survived and was free to be a Christian. His best friend later chose to become a Christian as well, but he was martyred. He didn't survive the beating.
Anyway, this is just one example of how God is shaping me. So often, I come back from Honduras feeling so torn between the culture of the U.S. and the culture of Honduras. But, God has finally taught me to want something better--His culture and His kingdom only. I almost feel as if I am having an out-of-body experience here in the U.S. I am taking every step possible to be pursuing the preparation God has for me here, yet I feel utterly disconnected from all that I have previously known. It is difficult to explain except to say that the U.S. isn't my home; Honduras isn't my home; I have finally found that the reality that means the most to me is only His Kingdom. Coincidentally, some of the songs that I have been stuck on recently come from a CD called Jesus Culture. Again, if you have the chance to listen to any of the songs, I greatly recommend the CD. One of the songs that convicted me the most was "Where You Go, I'll Go."
Where You go, I'll go
What You say, I'll say
What You pray, I pray
Life on God's terms is so very simple.
Running has become a central part of my life this year thus far as well. As I previously mentioned, I want to get healthy in all respects, and I am finding that so much of running is very spiritual. (Everything is spiritual, really.) I run 3-8 miles a day or at the very least a few times a week with a goal of 20 miles a week. I like to pray while I run. While my time alone and free time in general has made my dialogue with God so natural and constant, I find that running provides a time for me to stop focusing on me and my life so that I can intercede for the lives of others even if it is only through wordless sighs and aching groans. I find myself surrendering my runs to God and asking Him to move in the spiritual realm as I run around the track. Often times, God speaks through running to expose elements of myself that He still needs to uproot. It is humbling and a blessing to say the least.
Overall, God has brought me to an understanding of a basic struggle that I deal with often--complacency versus contentment. In short, complacency is self-satisfaction while contentment is God-satisfaction. God has begun to ask me in every aspect of life--are you satisfied? I dare you to begin to ask yourself this question within all realms of your life. It will shake you up because it defies the culture of the world we live in. It would seem that no one is satisfied--especially Christians in many cases. I am learning to rejoice in the satisfaction of God in so many of the details of my life. This being my first year in an apartment with a kitchen cooking for myself, I find that I am learning to be satisfied whether I am eating a sandwich or hot meal. And, when I am truly satisfied with Him, everything I eat tastes like the best thing in the world. I am becoming satisfied with spending my time alone--just me and God--even when I occasionally get lonely. Are you satisfied with your finances? Are you satisfied with your job? Are you satisfied with your family and your lifestyle? Are you satisfied with your home? If the answer is no, the only answer is to stop complacency (stop trying to fix all of these things to make yourself satisfied) and surrender all of those things to God, asking for His contentment. Be careful, though, because contentment only comes about by being in His will, which means we have to experience the pain of losing our own.
Loss is my current state of being. I grasp more and more every day what it means that this could be my very last year living in the U.S., and it blows my mind. I walk out of my apartment in the early morning, and the atmosphere has that weighty cinnamon smell of fall as I crunch dead leaves beneath my shoes. Autumn is my favorite season, and I may never experience it again after this year (or perhaps not in the same way, I don't know what the future holds). Honduras doesn't have changing leaves, and it's most noticeable season change is when the rainy season commences. I have begun to go through stuff. My book shelf (which typically contains my most prized possessions) is bare. My desk is now nearly empty. I keep throwing away pieces of my life, my past, and myself--old letters from friends, mementos from concerts and camps, old essays and ribbons. I am not one for a lot of "stuff" in general, but I am a memory keeper. I have kept so many things in my short life! Why do we have the inclination to hold onto the past as we do? I don't know. But, I do recognize the need for what Mamí Sara said in Honduras--we throw away the old to make room for the new that God wants to give us. It's all faith. I surrender the scraps of old memories knowing that God wants to give me new ones. I place treasured friendships and beloved people into the hands of God, knowing that He has called me to a new people. I have always been an adopter, so the idea of leaving behind people is relatively less painful because I adopt with no regard to proximity. I collect people no matter where I go, and through several painful lessons, I have learned that people are better suited in God's hands than in mine anyway.
God is the great conductor of my life right now, and in typical fashion, He brings encouragement to me in a variety of ways. This past weekend, I was home with my family when I came across a documentary called Mama Heidi on Netflix of all places. It is amazing. It is about a missionary couple in Mozambique who has a ministry, Iris Ministries, that is so very similar to Alvin's. The woman in the film, Mama Heidi, is, as my mother put it, very much a female Alvin. She adopts kids every where she goes. She loves the unlovely, and while I saw Jesus and Alvin in this woman while watching this documentary, I also saw myself. I want to spend my life loving the unlovely. I want to adopt everyone I come across. I want to bring the family of God to people that have no one. I want to be Mamí Sarah for those that don't have a mother. I have one very short life to live, and I don't want to waste it. There are so many that desperately need Jesus, and I want to take hold of the privilege of dying daily so that I can be Jesus to someone who does not know Him.
Another welcome encouragement came yesterday in the form of a phone conversation with Roy. I hadn't talked to him too much this past month, but as we began to compare the everyday events of our lives, I was so blessed to hear that we are doing and going through the same things. Roy is one of my closest friends, and it was initially difficult going from seeing him and talking to him every day to having little to no communication. But, in the midst of our separation physically, I take comfort in the truth that we are not separated spiritually. God is teaching us the same lessons in many cases, and we pray for each other often. I can't begin to express what an encouragement it is to know that I am not alone in my experiences. I miss Roy greatly, but God is leading us both in such a way that we are able to encourage each other.
I know that this entry is unbearably long (now that I have a laptop, I'll try to keep up with this better so as not to overwhelm next time), but I have one last update. I took the OPI (Spanish proficiency telephone interview) last Thursday. In addition to the personal weight it carries for me (determining student teaching and graduation possibilities), my score will also have an impact on the Spanish education department. The program is fairly new, and in order to achieve full accreditation status, they have to show evidence of progress via their students. There are only a handful of us Spanish education majors, and I will (hopefully) be the first to graduate with full certification. If I don't receive the score I need, the program likely does not have the results it needs to reach full accreditation. Saying all of that, it went very well. I wasn't nervous. I won't receive the results for a while, but I went into it know that God works it all for His good (and, thus, my good as well). He had His hand on the entire interview, and my life is in His hands. No matter what happens, He receives all the glory.
Thanks for sharing in my journey,
Sarah
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Dying Star
Hello to anyone still reading!
Well, I took a much-needed hiatus from blogging to settle in to school and try to adjust. It is never easy. I had my one day home to pack, and I have been at Shepherd for a little over a week. For the first few days, it was all I could do to keep from having an emotional breakdown in the middle of class or whatever public place I was in. This semester is academically and in terms of work, the easiest I have ever had. I have free time, and I feel like I'm wandering around as a lost person because of that free time. Last semester, I had 20 hours of credit and held three jobs. It is quite a shift for me. Thus, in addition to feeling the huge sense of loss from leaving Honduras, I also felt a strong loss of identity and self. Whether I mean to or not, I too often define myself and my value by what I do.
Last year, God made it very clear that I had filled my time unnecessarily, that I was trying to operate within doing my own "good" things instead of surrendering my precious time for His best purposes. Thus, I decided not to return to the Resident Assistant job or work for The Picket, Shepherd's newspaper, any longer. Just because I only had two required classes for this semester before student teaching, I am taking classes that are easier and interest me--Painting II, Sign Language I, and Women's Self-defense. I love all of my classes, but I am unaccustomed to having free time. I am not the kind of person who knows how to relax. I am always busy, always doing something. Thus, my loss of identity as a hard worker, as an RA, etc. was quite overwhelming. On my first day of class, I just told God that I felt lost, like an alien in my own country, etc., and I went for a run. During that run, the song "Dying Star" by Jason Upton came on my IPod.
I have gotten stuck on that song so many times in the past couple years, but once again, it spoke to me. I would highly recommend looking it up if you've never heard it because it is one of the most powerful, convicting songs I've ever heard. Some of the lyrics that stand out in this unusual, prophetic song are:
I was just hanging out with the Lord one day, and I said, Lord, I want to be a part of Your army. . . . I want to be a part of that generation that You raise up, and the Lord just sang this over me. He said:
You got your best men on your front side. You always show your best side. Evil's always on the other side. You say this is your strategy. Son, I hope you'll take it from Me. You look just like your enemy. You're full of pride. You're full of pride. Better trash our idols if we're gonna be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. We better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So we trash our idols cause we want to be in the army of the Lord.
Whatever You want, oh God. No battle was ever won in the entire Bible by anyone but our Lord. It's not good music that breaks the yoke. It's the anointing of Jesus that breaks the yoke and sets us free, oh God. All through the Bible, God used people who didn't have a clue, who didn't have all the answers. They didn't really know anything. They had no strategy. Their only strategy was looking up to heaven and saying, "My eyes are on you. My eyes are on You. My eyes are on You."
Star, how beautiful you shine. You shine more beautiful than Mine. You shine from sea to shining sea. Worldwide is your strategy. Shining star, I hope you see that if the whole wide world is staring straight at you, they can't see Me. They can't see Me. I want them to know Me, but they can't see Me. I want them to know Me. I want to show My glory, but they can't see Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your fantasy. Think that you're better than Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your man-made religiosity. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your strategies. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. So the world can see just another dying star.
Better trash our idols if we're going to be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. Better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So I trash my idols cause I want to be in the army of the Lord. In the army of the Lord. Raise up an army. Raise up an army. Raise up an army, oh God. There's no room for idolatry in the army of the Lord. There's no room for man-pleasing in the army of the Lord. Raise us up, oh God.
Break it off of us right now. Break it off of us right now. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me.
God began to remind me as I was listening to this song and running that I am right in the middle of His purposes. He told me in Mexico that this was the year that He would be teaching me how to share with others, how to lose it all, how to be unselfish, and how to be a humble servant. He chooses the least of these, and I so desire only to the be the least of these in His kingdom. He has made it clear to me that if I want to be first in the kingdom of God, I have to be content on my knees, broken, crying out in helplessness to Him. My first desire and focus has to be on Him, and I have to be willing to lose all of myself. The lines that I bolded are the ones that stand out the most for me. That word "strategy" was highly convicting for me. I am a list maker. I make a new to-do list every couple of days, and before I returned to the US, I made a list of people that I could reach out to and ways that I could help or bless people. It seems so silly, I know. And as that word "strategy" came up, God reminded me of that list--essentially a list for how I could keep busy, a strategy--and He made it clear that I am supposed to feel lost. I am supposed to have free time. I am not supposed to have a strategy, even if it is a strategy for "good" things. The good things that stem from my own mind are the very thing that distract me from His best. My eyes are only meant to be on Him and not even on others for the purpose of serving them.
I recently watched the movie, Inception, and I loved it. I like any movie that causes me to think, but it was especially appropriate for my current place in life. As was also the case last summer, God brought Romans 12 to my mind during my time of adjustment to the US. I may have included it in previous blogs, but it is so powerful and appropriate, I'll include it again because I believe that it is the plea of God to the US, and it is certainly God's direction for me:
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. . . . Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
The idea behind Inception is essentially the questioning of reality as it is a movie that deals with dreams. Every time I return from Honduras, I am faced with that question of reality because the reality that I live when I am in Honduras is completely different from the reality of the United States. Every time I go to Honduras, I find that I come back even more mellow and even less likely to worry about things that the average person worries about in the United States. Seeing how people live with very little or must endure situations that they literally have no means of helping makes the majority of the gripes of the US so trivial. All they can do is give the problem to God, and because that has been my reality among them, I find that it is more often my first response when I first return although I still have my times of unnecessary worry.
The point that I make with all of these scattered thoughts is this: The world I see around me is not reality. In every moment, in every place that I am, I have the choice to view the world through the perspective of flawed humans to create a worldly reality, or I can choose to look through God's perfect perspective to see the reality of His Kingdom. In His reality, I can see Jesus in every single person. In His reality, the only strategy is His best--the loss of self, looking to Him, and unconsciously displaying His glory. In His reality, every situation--seemingly bad or not--is worked for His good. If I only have one year left here in the US, and realistically, if I only have one short life to live, I want to live every moment in His reality--no distractions, no veering into my own perspective, no wasting of time, no blind complacency.
I have been praying that God would grant me a humble heart, and during my time in Honduras, it became clear that for me that means learning to accept the grace of God and the nothingness of myself--for me, learning to have a humble heart means that I have to learn to stop running to Him with my "good" offerings of help and service. Having a humble heart for me (and all of us, really) means just what it says in Romans 12--embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Accepting help is very difficult for me because it means vulnerability. In Honduras, Roy and I spent the summer basically struggling over who could serve each other more. We are both very stubborn people, and neither of us really likes to accept help because we're so dedicated and accustomed to being the one serving. We're always trying to be more accommodating for the other person. I had to learn through our interactions that it brings Roy immense joy to serve and help me, just as it brings me immense joy to serve and help him. When I reject his loving help out of pride or fear of vulnerability, I hurt him because by rejecting his help, an extension of him, I am also rejecting him. It works the same way with God. When I reject God's help or when I simply get so busy trying to serve Him that I don't even notice what He is doing for me (and in spite of my ignoring Him), I reject Him, and this hurts Him. We are His children, and it brings Him great joy to lavish His love and His goodness onto us. We just have to have the sense and the humility to accept it.
I have also been praying for a long time that God would teach me how to witness and reach others with His love. And what He has been saying to me since I've been back in the US is that it is not my conscious work. If I want to reach others with His love, I have to learn how to accept His love, to truly be saturated with His love so that it can spill onto others (often without my knowledge). I have to learn to accept His every good gift and allow Him to have all of the glory. I have to learn to let Him heal me from the inside out. I have to accept His gift of nothingness, His gift of free time, and His gift of humility. And, as with every gift from God, after I accept it (and for me, learning to truly allow it to saturate my being is the most difficult), I have to offer it back up to Him as an offering.
When I keep all of this in mind, my life is the greatest adventure because it is not my life--it is His, and He can do whatever He wants with it. Even though I miss Honduras greatly, I am so excited to be back because this is obviously where He has me. I want Him to have His way.
Anyway, I recently met with my advisor and found out some news that initially had me in one of those phases of unnecessary worry. Last year, the state of West Virginia changed the standards for Spanish education and required that before I graduate, I have to pass an oral Spanish proficiency interview and receive a score of Advanced Low. I took it last year when I first had returned from Honduras. Although I practiced with my advisor and he felt sure I would receive the score I needed, when I was actually interviewed by telephone by the tester, I was two levels short of what I needed. Initially, I was quite crushed, but I later realized that once again, God has a purpose for everything. This "failure" was essentially the only reason that I applied for the scholarship to the language school in Mexico. If I would've gotten the score I needed, I never would have felt it necessary to go to language school at all, and I would have missed out on an amazing, God-granted experience. Well, they once again changed the standard, and thus, instead of having to get that score before I graduate which gives me more time to re-take it, I have to receive that score before I will be permitted to even apply to student teach--September 22 is the deadline. I looked at the website to schedule my interview, and I found out that if I still don't receive the score I need, I can't re-take it for 90 days--missing the deadline to apply to student teach and essentially keeping me from graduating on time. After three years of intense work and good grades and fulfilled requirements, one 20-minute conversation in Spanish on the telephone with a total stranger determines whether or not I graduate on time. This is absolutely hilarious to me since I don't even plan to teach Spanish in West Virginia, and I don't even need my teaching certification for the direction and place my life is going. From the world's reality, that is incredibly stressful and seems wildly unfair. (I hate standardizing testing anyway.) But even as I was feeling the weight of that paralyzing stress yesterday morning, God quietly asked me, "In whose hands are you? In whose hands is this test?" His. The answer has to be His. Thus, whether or not I get the score that I need, whether or not I graduate on time, whether or not I ever receive my fancy academic piece of paper, I am in His hands. Why should I ever worry? I only want His glory anyway. But, it is something to pray about if you wouldn't mind.
Thanks for reading!
Until next time,
Sarah
Well, I took a much-needed hiatus from blogging to settle in to school and try to adjust. It is never easy. I had my one day home to pack, and I have been at Shepherd for a little over a week. For the first few days, it was all I could do to keep from having an emotional breakdown in the middle of class or whatever public place I was in. This semester is academically and in terms of work, the easiest I have ever had. I have free time, and I feel like I'm wandering around as a lost person because of that free time. Last semester, I had 20 hours of credit and held three jobs. It is quite a shift for me. Thus, in addition to feeling the huge sense of loss from leaving Honduras, I also felt a strong loss of identity and self. Whether I mean to or not, I too often define myself and my value by what I do.
Last year, God made it very clear that I had filled my time unnecessarily, that I was trying to operate within doing my own "good" things instead of surrendering my precious time for His best purposes. Thus, I decided not to return to the Resident Assistant job or work for The Picket, Shepherd's newspaper, any longer. Just because I only had two required classes for this semester before student teaching, I am taking classes that are easier and interest me--Painting II, Sign Language I, and Women's Self-defense. I love all of my classes, but I am unaccustomed to having free time. I am not the kind of person who knows how to relax. I am always busy, always doing something. Thus, my loss of identity as a hard worker, as an RA, etc. was quite overwhelming. On my first day of class, I just told God that I felt lost, like an alien in my own country, etc., and I went for a run. During that run, the song "Dying Star" by Jason Upton came on my IPod.
I have gotten stuck on that song so many times in the past couple years, but once again, it spoke to me. I would highly recommend looking it up if you've never heard it because it is one of the most powerful, convicting songs I've ever heard. Some of the lyrics that stand out in this unusual, prophetic song are:
I was just hanging out with the Lord one day, and I said, Lord, I want to be a part of Your army. . . . I want to be a part of that generation that You raise up, and the Lord just sang this over me. He said:
You got your best men on your front side. You always show your best side. Evil's always on the other side. You say this is your strategy. Son, I hope you'll take it from Me. You look just like your enemy. You're full of pride. You're full of pride. Better trash our idols if we're gonna be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. We better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So we trash our idols cause we want to be in the army of the Lord.
Whatever You want, oh God. No battle was ever won in the entire Bible by anyone but our Lord. It's not good music that breaks the yoke. It's the anointing of Jesus that breaks the yoke and sets us free, oh God. All through the Bible, God used people who didn't have a clue, who didn't have all the answers. They didn't really know anything. They had no strategy. Their only strategy was looking up to heaven and saying, "My eyes are on you. My eyes are on You. My eyes are on You."
Star, how beautiful you shine. You shine more beautiful than Mine. You shine from sea to shining sea. Worldwide is your strategy. Shining star, I hope you see that if the whole wide world is staring straight at you, they can't see Me. They can't see Me. I want them to know Me, but they can't see Me. I want them to know Me. I want to show My glory, but they can't see Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your fantasy. Think that you're better than Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your man-made religiosity. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your strategies. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. So the world can see just another dying star.
Better trash our idols if we're going to be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. Better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So I trash my idols cause I want to be in the army of the Lord. In the army of the Lord. Raise up an army. Raise up an army. Raise up an army, oh God. There's no room for idolatry in the army of the Lord. There's no room for man-pleasing in the army of the Lord. Raise us up, oh God.
Break it off of us right now. Break it off of us right now. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me.
God began to remind me as I was listening to this song and running that I am right in the middle of His purposes. He told me in Mexico that this was the year that He would be teaching me how to share with others, how to lose it all, how to be unselfish, and how to be a humble servant. He chooses the least of these, and I so desire only to the be the least of these in His kingdom. He has made it clear to me that if I want to be first in the kingdom of God, I have to be content on my knees, broken, crying out in helplessness to Him. My first desire and focus has to be on Him, and I have to be willing to lose all of myself. The lines that I bolded are the ones that stand out the most for me. That word "strategy" was highly convicting for me. I am a list maker. I make a new to-do list every couple of days, and before I returned to the US, I made a list of people that I could reach out to and ways that I could help or bless people. It seems so silly, I know. And as that word "strategy" came up, God reminded me of that list--essentially a list for how I could keep busy, a strategy--and He made it clear that I am supposed to feel lost. I am supposed to have free time. I am not supposed to have a strategy, even if it is a strategy for "good" things. The good things that stem from my own mind are the very thing that distract me from His best. My eyes are only meant to be on Him and not even on others for the purpose of serving them.
I recently watched the movie, Inception, and I loved it. I like any movie that causes me to think, but it was especially appropriate for my current place in life. As was also the case last summer, God brought Romans 12 to my mind during my time of adjustment to the US. I may have included it in previous blogs, but it is so powerful and appropriate, I'll include it again because I believe that it is the plea of God to the US, and it is certainly God's direction for me:
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. . . . Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
The idea behind Inception is essentially the questioning of reality as it is a movie that deals with dreams. Every time I return from Honduras, I am faced with that question of reality because the reality that I live when I am in Honduras is completely different from the reality of the United States. Every time I go to Honduras, I find that I come back even more mellow and even less likely to worry about things that the average person worries about in the United States. Seeing how people live with very little or must endure situations that they literally have no means of helping makes the majority of the gripes of the US so trivial. All they can do is give the problem to God, and because that has been my reality among them, I find that it is more often my first response when I first return although I still have my times of unnecessary worry.
The point that I make with all of these scattered thoughts is this: The world I see around me is not reality. In every moment, in every place that I am, I have the choice to view the world through the perspective of flawed humans to create a worldly reality, or I can choose to look through God's perfect perspective to see the reality of His Kingdom. In His reality, I can see Jesus in every single person. In His reality, the only strategy is His best--the loss of self, looking to Him, and unconsciously displaying His glory. In His reality, every situation--seemingly bad or not--is worked for His good. If I only have one year left here in the US, and realistically, if I only have one short life to live, I want to live every moment in His reality--no distractions, no veering into my own perspective, no wasting of time, no blind complacency.
I have been praying that God would grant me a humble heart, and during my time in Honduras, it became clear that for me that means learning to accept the grace of God and the nothingness of myself--for me, learning to have a humble heart means that I have to learn to stop running to Him with my "good" offerings of help and service. Having a humble heart for me (and all of us, really) means just what it says in Romans 12--embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Accepting help is very difficult for me because it means vulnerability. In Honduras, Roy and I spent the summer basically struggling over who could serve each other more. We are both very stubborn people, and neither of us really likes to accept help because we're so dedicated and accustomed to being the one serving. We're always trying to be more accommodating for the other person. I had to learn through our interactions that it brings Roy immense joy to serve and help me, just as it brings me immense joy to serve and help him. When I reject his loving help out of pride or fear of vulnerability, I hurt him because by rejecting his help, an extension of him, I am also rejecting him. It works the same way with God. When I reject God's help or when I simply get so busy trying to serve Him that I don't even notice what He is doing for me (and in spite of my ignoring Him), I reject Him, and this hurts Him. We are His children, and it brings Him great joy to lavish His love and His goodness onto us. We just have to have the sense and the humility to accept it.
I have also been praying for a long time that God would teach me how to witness and reach others with His love. And what He has been saying to me since I've been back in the US is that it is not my conscious work. If I want to reach others with His love, I have to learn how to accept His love, to truly be saturated with His love so that it can spill onto others (often without my knowledge). I have to learn to accept His every good gift and allow Him to have all of the glory. I have to learn to let Him heal me from the inside out. I have to accept His gift of nothingness, His gift of free time, and His gift of humility. And, as with every gift from God, after I accept it (and for me, learning to truly allow it to saturate my being is the most difficult), I have to offer it back up to Him as an offering.
When I keep all of this in mind, my life is the greatest adventure because it is not my life--it is His, and He can do whatever He wants with it. Even though I miss Honduras greatly, I am so excited to be back because this is obviously where He has me. I want Him to have His way.
Anyway, I recently met with my advisor and found out some news that initially had me in one of those phases of unnecessary worry. Last year, the state of West Virginia changed the standards for Spanish education and required that before I graduate, I have to pass an oral Spanish proficiency interview and receive a score of Advanced Low. I took it last year when I first had returned from Honduras. Although I practiced with my advisor and he felt sure I would receive the score I needed, when I was actually interviewed by telephone by the tester, I was two levels short of what I needed. Initially, I was quite crushed, but I later realized that once again, God has a purpose for everything. This "failure" was essentially the only reason that I applied for the scholarship to the language school in Mexico. If I would've gotten the score I needed, I never would have felt it necessary to go to language school at all, and I would have missed out on an amazing, God-granted experience. Well, they once again changed the standard, and thus, instead of having to get that score before I graduate which gives me more time to re-take it, I have to receive that score before I will be permitted to even apply to student teach--September 22 is the deadline. I looked at the website to schedule my interview, and I found out that if I still don't receive the score I need, I can't re-take it for 90 days--missing the deadline to apply to student teach and essentially keeping me from graduating on time. After three years of intense work and good grades and fulfilled requirements, one 20-minute conversation in Spanish on the telephone with a total stranger determines whether or not I graduate on time. This is absolutely hilarious to me since I don't even plan to teach Spanish in West Virginia, and I don't even need my teaching certification for the direction and place my life is going. From the world's reality, that is incredibly stressful and seems wildly unfair. (I hate standardizing testing anyway.) But even as I was feeling the weight of that paralyzing stress yesterday morning, God quietly asked me, "In whose hands are you? In whose hands is this test?" His. The answer has to be His. Thus, whether or not I get the score that I need, whether or not I graduate on time, whether or not I ever receive my fancy academic piece of paper, I am in His hands. Why should I ever worry? I only want His glory anyway. But, it is something to pray about if you wouldn't mind.
Thanks for reading!
Until next time,
Sarah
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Running. . .
Hello All,
After a tearful goodbye with Roy at the airport and a long journey, I arrived back at my house in the early morning hours today. I've slept about two hours today, started packing to move back to Shepherd, and already started going through some things to sell, donate, or give away. While leaving Tegus was very difficult, and Roy was rather overwhelmed by my ready crying in the middle of the airport, I have already hit the ground running. If this is my very last year to live in the US, I want to make the most of it, and I have numerous preparations to complete.
I feel as if now more so than ever my center of existence has shifted to Honduras. As Papí Alvin said when introducing me to a Honduran pastor, I will be leaving for a short time and will be returning permanently. And Mama Cheryl echoed this sentiment by saying that it is almost as if I am taking a mission trip to the US because my heart still resides in Honduras. I fully agree. I am not as heartbroken to be back in the US as I was last summer. I already miss my Honduran family greatly, but I want to seize my time here. When I returned last summer, the scripture that God gave me was Ephesians 4:
In light of all this, here's what I want you to do. . . . I want you to get out and walk--better yet, run!--on the road God called you to travel. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline--not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.
The United States is obviously the road that God has for me to travel at this time, and I want to run whole-heartedly and steadily here in the direction that He leads.
Meanwhile, I am very clearly avoiding the inevitable packing that needs to take place so that I can head back to Shepherd tomorrow morning. When I get settled, I'll scour my journal to make sure that I didn't leave out any particularly readable Honduras stories to share.
With love,
Sarah
After a tearful goodbye with Roy at the airport and a long journey, I arrived back at my house in the early morning hours today. I've slept about two hours today, started packing to move back to Shepherd, and already started going through some things to sell, donate, or give away. While leaving Tegus was very difficult, and Roy was rather overwhelmed by my ready crying in the middle of the airport, I have already hit the ground running. If this is my very last year to live in the US, I want to make the most of it, and I have numerous preparations to complete.
I feel as if now more so than ever my center of existence has shifted to Honduras. As Papí Alvin said when introducing me to a Honduran pastor, I will be leaving for a short time and will be returning permanently. And Mama Cheryl echoed this sentiment by saying that it is almost as if I am taking a mission trip to the US because my heart still resides in Honduras. I fully agree. I am not as heartbroken to be back in the US as I was last summer. I already miss my Honduran family greatly, but I want to seize my time here. When I returned last summer, the scripture that God gave me was Ephesians 4:
In light of all this, here's what I want you to do. . . . I want you to get out and walk--better yet, run!--on the road God called you to travel. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline--not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.
The United States is obviously the road that God has for me to travel at this time, and I want to run whole-heartedly and steadily here in the direction that He leads.
Meanwhile, I am very clearly avoiding the inevitable packing that needs to take place so that I can head back to Shepherd tomorrow morning. When I get settled, I'll scour my journal to make sure that I didn't leave out any particularly readable Honduras stories to share.
With love,
Sarah
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Update
Hello All,
Just a quick update--
Life in Tegus is going very well although the reality of my impending departure is very pressing and painful. I have been working as directed by Alvin with a team that is here from Canada. It is such a blessing to share my country with others. Yesterday, we went to Casitas Kennedy, the orphanage, and the two feeding centers. I hadn't been there at all this summer, and it was a blessing to return.
From the very first moment that I stepped out of the van at Casitas, I was drawn to a precious little boy. His name was Roy--the only other Roy I've ever met here in Honduras besides my friend, Roy. He is five-years-old and so very precious. He clung to me the entire time we were there, and Papi Alvin picked on him saying that he was in love with me. He showered me with kisses and stayed in my arms for the majority of my time there. When we left, he asked me when I'd be coming back, and I once again had to come to terms with the idea that I possibly would never see him again. He blew me kisses and chased after the van. I do believe that my time with him blessed me more than it blessed him.
Today was church. I'm not really sure what all there is to say about church except to ask for your prayers. I know that God is in control and that He is at work, but there is a lot going on that could use the prayer support of other believers.
There's not too much else to share at this point. I am just soaking the last little bit of it in. I leave on Wednesday. I don't know that I'm ready, but it is inevitable. I will arrive in Pittsburgh around 11, be home technically on Thursday, and have only Thursday to pack for school. I move back to Shepherd on Friday, have job training on Saturday, work on Sunday night, and classes start Monday. Goodbye summer. I am almost thankful that I have no break between--it means that life goes on no matter where I am. I am the same person in Honduras, Mexico, and the US. God is the same God in Honduras, Mexico, the US, and wherever. Thus, I trust Him to lead me and guide me there just as He has here this summer.
Until next time,
Sarah
Just a quick update--
Life in Tegus is going very well although the reality of my impending departure is very pressing and painful. I have been working as directed by Alvin with a team that is here from Canada. It is such a blessing to share my country with others. Yesterday, we went to Casitas Kennedy, the orphanage, and the two feeding centers. I hadn't been there at all this summer, and it was a blessing to return.
From the very first moment that I stepped out of the van at Casitas, I was drawn to a precious little boy. His name was Roy--the only other Roy I've ever met here in Honduras besides my friend, Roy. He is five-years-old and so very precious. He clung to me the entire time we were there, and Papi Alvin picked on him saying that he was in love with me. He showered me with kisses and stayed in my arms for the majority of my time there. When we left, he asked me when I'd be coming back, and I once again had to come to terms with the idea that I possibly would never see him again. He blew me kisses and chased after the van. I do believe that my time with him blessed me more than it blessed him.
Today was church. I'm not really sure what all there is to say about church except to ask for your prayers. I know that God is in control and that He is at work, but there is a lot going on that could use the prayer support of other believers.
There's not too much else to share at this point. I am just soaking the last little bit of it in. I leave on Wednesday. I don't know that I'm ready, but it is inevitable. I will arrive in Pittsburgh around 11, be home technically on Thursday, and have only Thursday to pack for school. I move back to Shepherd on Friday, have job training on Saturday, work on Sunday night, and classes start Monday. Goodbye summer. I am almost thankful that I have no break between--it means that life goes on no matter where I am. I am the same person in Honduras, Mexico, and the US. God is the same God in Honduras, Mexico, the US, and wherever. Thus, I trust Him to lead me and guide me there just as He has here this summer.
Until next time,
Sarah
Monday, August 2, 2010
Quiero Cambiar
Hello All,
This may very well be the last post that I make from Honduras as I´m leaving La Esperanza today, and I may not take the time to go to the internet when I´m in Tegus. I will, however, give you the final update on how it all wrapped up whenever I get back to the States. And, I think I am going to continue blogging this school year for anyone who would like to read. There are going to be lots of preparations (both physical and spiritual) for moving to Honduras, and perhaps, some of those adventures will be worth reading. At any rate, I am very thankful for all of you who read and share in the adventure with me.
It has been a long week. We went to Chiligatoro on Friday to say goodbye to our students, take pictures, and watch La India Bonita which is essentially a school beauty pageant celebrated their indigenous identity. It was very interesting. Our children gave us lots of hugs and asked us when we´d be returning. I will miss my students very much.
Friday night was pretty crazy. I spent a lot of the evening with Jorge just visiting. He is such a fantastic kid, and I am so grateful to have his friendship. He has been a bit of a comfort for me as I feel that he understands me fairly well, and we have a lot in common. Friday night was the big party for the Arabe soccer team, and it essentially consisted of two giant DJ set ups right outside of our house in the street with tons of drunk people mingling and dancing. Pretty unbelievable. It was also pouring down the rain the entire time. There is all kinds of dramatic things I could share, but the long story short version is that one of the soccer players got in a fight with a drunk guy trying to rescue a volunteer who was being harrassed, and he got hit in the back of the head with something, cutting his head open a bit. It wasn´t too terrible although it did seem to me that it needed stitches. The man works at the hospital, though, and he didn´t want to go due to fear of needles or something. Thus, some other soccer players, volunteers, and I all did our best to doctor him up. It was amusing, and I greatly appreciated my mother´s willingness to go into Nurse Kimmie mode at 3 AM by telephone, talking me through how to make a butterfly out of hot pink duct tape. Never a dull moment in Honduras. We stayed with him and monitored him until 5 in the morning, and I did not sleep at all.
I was utterly exhausted, and through some of the circumstances here, I have come to once again realize what a work in progress I am. God showed me before I came to Honduras that He would be teaching me how to share with others, how to lose it all for others, and He has indeed been teaching me that. It is quite difficult at times and leaves me drained and tearful, longing only for His grace. He has definitely been teaching me to want something better--just Him and His will. At any rate, while I absolutely love all of the people here, and there is a very special place in my heart for La Esperanza and Chiligatoro, I am ready to go back to Tegus. But there is a part of me that I believe will always been attached to La Esperanza, and I don´t know what God has in store with that--it is merely something that I am offering up to Him. Perhaps, He only led me here so that I would pray for the town and people here. Perhaps, He has other purposes in mind. At any rate, it was not an accident, and I only want to be obedient in any case.
Yesterday, I went to Jorge´s game (he made a penalty kick goal!) and got rather sunburnt. I am going to have a gorgeous flip-flop tan--likely my only proof that I actually got some sun. Then I mainly spent the rest of the afternoon with the family while the volunteers went to a tourist area with some of the soccer boys. I enjoyed the time with Dercia, the kids, and Jorge. Jorge and I visited for a long time while he was doing homework. He is such an amazing kid, a very diligent student, and such a ridiculous perfectionist! I am going to miss him very much, but I look forward to when we can visit when he goes to university in Tegus to study medicine, and I live in Tegus.
Last night was also very blessed as God was so present in some of the things that happened. As I believe I may have mentioned before, we volunteers like to visit with the neighborhood boys--all of whom are cousins of the family we live with. They are rough around the edges in many cases. A lot of them drink, and sometimes, talking to them can be quite interesting, but they have become quite precious to me. I have a tendency of adopting brothers, especially guys that have rough lives or that go through difficulties, and my dad calls these guys my ´´lost boys.´´ These guys have definitely become some of my lost boys. Although I´m not very close to any of them, they have all become to important to me. Last night, they were drinking while we were visiting with them, and one guy who was drunk--Alexander--who I have rarely talked to before, started talking to me. These guys know that I am different. Jorge and Henry, one of the soccer players here, both have told me that it was very apparent to them that I am different. It´s not just that I don´t drink. They can see that I have sincere motivations of kindness with them. Jorge said that he has never met someone like me who tries so hard to operate out of love for other people rather than selfish intentions. Jorge told me that he will always remember my face and my smile because he has never met someone who always has a smile as I generally do. This is most definitely a God thing. He is my strength and my joy. He is the one that has made me who I am. Thus, He receives all the glory. At any rate, Alexander looked right at me and started talking to me directly telling me that he wanted to change.
Last week, we came across Alexander not only drunk but high on cocaine as well. These guys lead rough lives. A lot of them have grown up without mothers or fathers. A lot of them have grown up in homes plagued with alcoholism. Many of them have had children of their own since they were teenagers. They constantly are around drinking and adultery, and just from the way that they interact with me, I can tell that they must be lonely in their lives. There is never any stability, never any sincerity. It is normal for everyone to be unfaithful. It is normal to never be able to trust even your wife or closest friends. It is normal only to rely on diversion and substitutes and the obligation of family to get you through life. It is a tragic existence to me and one that has touched my heart with compassion and sorrow while I´ve been here.
Alexander kept saying, ´´Quiero cambiar. Quiero cambiar.´´ ´´I want to change. I want to change.´´ And as he looked me in the eyes, my heart just broke for him. His mom died this past year of cancer, and when she was on her death bed, he promised her that he would stop drinking. He held her hand and promised, and four days later, he was drinking again. He feels such guilt over that, and he wants better for his life. He told me that when he hears the songs trickling from the churches, he begins to cry every time. And I know that this is the Spirit of God working in his heart, sending him an invitation to have a real relationship with Him. Alexander kept saying, ´´I want something real, Sarah. I have my God, but I want to change.´´ The other guys were really giving him a hard time, saying, ´´If you want to change, just do it. Just stop drinking. Stop smoking. No one can change you but you.´´ But I kept looking at him straight in the eyes even as my own were full of tears, and I kept saying, ´´I understand. I understand you, Alexander.´´He kept talking about how he needed someone to take him by the hand, to take him to church, to take him to hear the word of God because he can´t do it himself. He feels shame around God and fears being judged in church. The others kept telling him that he shouldn´t need anyone else to help him change. But I just looked him in the eyes and again told him that I understand. And I do. We humans can only change by inviting God to change us. It is His work in our hearts; we cannot earn our salvation or will ourselves to truly change.
I asked Alexander to walk with me for a bit, just to get him away from the others, so that I could talk to him. One of the first things he said to me was, ´´Why haven´t we talked before, Sarah? This is the first time I´ve ever really talked to you. Why haven´t you told me how I could change before? Why haven´t we talked about God before?´´ I can´t explain the level of conviction that stirred in my heart. I will openly admit that I don´t know how to witness. I feel as if I have been through so many religious brainwashings that I don´t always know how to operate with a kingdom mindset of sharing His word with others as individuals rather than a quota to meet. I try to operate in love and show love diligently, but I am still learning how to be His voice. Please pray that He would lead me in learning how to witness.
I told Alexander that God was with us in that moment, that only God could work in his heart and change his life. I told him that the reason that God sent His Son, Jesus, was precisely because we cannot change ourselves. He listened intently, and I prayed for him. I told him that he could pray as well, simply telling God that he wanted God to change him. But, he refused. ´´Sarah, I´m drunk. I can´t come to God drunk. It´s not right.´´ And all I could tell him was that God loved him right where he was, that he didn´t need to change to come to God, that he could talk to God while in any condition in any moment. He said he knew that God loved him, and he told me a story about how he was almost hit by a car a couple days ago, and how he knows that God rescued him. He said he knows that God is with him because even though he is drinking or making bad decisions, he feels as if God has spared him numerous times when he should have died. He told me of his fear or death, and I explained that accepting Jesus and having a relationship with God means that we are rescued from death. We talked for a long while, and it was obvious to me that God is working on his heart. At the end of the conversation, he told me that he had faith that God was going to touch his heart to change him, and then, in the same sentence, he promised me that he would stop drinking. All I could tell him was that it was God´s work, that all he needed to do was received God´s grace. I gave him my e-mail and phone number so that he can contact me if he needs to, and I will continue to keep him in my prayers. I ask that you do the same.
Please also keep Nelson, Alexander´s brother in your prayers--he is 23 and has a daughter he is raising by himself. He works as a mortician, and he is so plagued by death and fear that he can never sleep at night. He is also the one whose head was cracked. Please also pray for Henry--he is also 23, and he was raised by his father. His mother has been in the US since he was 8-years-old. He is a precious person, but he struggles with the need for control and seems to operate out of force and fear, and all I can see in him is that he desperately wants something real. Please pray for Carlos, a policeman in San Pedro Sula who has become my friend. He does cocaine and marijuana. Please pray for Jorge--he is so important to me, and he is walking in a direction away from the vices of many of his peers which blesses me greatly. But he has also been through some difficulty. A result of an affair, he has been raised by his mother and aunts, and I believe that there is still a part of him that longs for the reality of a compassionate, ever-present Father.
It is very difficult for me to leave La Esperanza-so much more than I ever expected. I feel such an intense love and compassion for the people here, especially my lost boys, that I feel that leaving them is going to cause me to be very broken. But I am so grateful for all that God has shown me here at Calvary. I am greatful for all of the ways that I have died to self and all of the realizations of how much more of me needs to die. What I want more than anything is to be a pure vessel that can carry and overflow the love and message of Jesus to everyone around me. I want His will and His glory in all things.
And thus, it is off to Tegus. I have no idea what else God has in store for my last little bit of time here. I am already so overwhelmed by how much God has changed me just in the past few weeks here in La Esperanza. He is so loving and gracious with me, and I so desire to spread His love to others, including you. I hope that you feel His presence today wherever you are, and I pray that you would allow Him to delve deep into the recesses of your heart, that you would meet Him right where you are (no matter what your condition) and let Him love and purify you. His best is always better than ours even when it means the pain of dying to self.
Until next time,
Sarah
This may very well be the last post that I make from Honduras as I´m leaving La Esperanza today, and I may not take the time to go to the internet when I´m in Tegus. I will, however, give you the final update on how it all wrapped up whenever I get back to the States. And, I think I am going to continue blogging this school year for anyone who would like to read. There are going to be lots of preparations (both physical and spiritual) for moving to Honduras, and perhaps, some of those adventures will be worth reading. At any rate, I am very thankful for all of you who read and share in the adventure with me.
It has been a long week. We went to Chiligatoro on Friday to say goodbye to our students, take pictures, and watch La India Bonita which is essentially a school beauty pageant celebrated their indigenous identity. It was very interesting. Our children gave us lots of hugs and asked us when we´d be returning. I will miss my students very much.
Friday night was pretty crazy. I spent a lot of the evening with Jorge just visiting. He is such a fantastic kid, and I am so grateful to have his friendship. He has been a bit of a comfort for me as I feel that he understands me fairly well, and we have a lot in common. Friday night was the big party for the Arabe soccer team, and it essentially consisted of two giant DJ set ups right outside of our house in the street with tons of drunk people mingling and dancing. Pretty unbelievable. It was also pouring down the rain the entire time. There is all kinds of dramatic things I could share, but the long story short version is that one of the soccer players got in a fight with a drunk guy trying to rescue a volunteer who was being harrassed, and he got hit in the back of the head with something, cutting his head open a bit. It wasn´t too terrible although it did seem to me that it needed stitches. The man works at the hospital, though, and he didn´t want to go due to fear of needles or something. Thus, some other soccer players, volunteers, and I all did our best to doctor him up. It was amusing, and I greatly appreciated my mother´s willingness to go into Nurse Kimmie mode at 3 AM by telephone, talking me through how to make a butterfly out of hot pink duct tape. Never a dull moment in Honduras. We stayed with him and monitored him until 5 in the morning, and I did not sleep at all.
I was utterly exhausted, and through some of the circumstances here, I have come to once again realize what a work in progress I am. God showed me before I came to Honduras that He would be teaching me how to share with others, how to lose it all for others, and He has indeed been teaching me that. It is quite difficult at times and leaves me drained and tearful, longing only for His grace. He has definitely been teaching me to want something better--just Him and His will. At any rate, while I absolutely love all of the people here, and there is a very special place in my heart for La Esperanza and Chiligatoro, I am ready to go back to Tegus. But there is a part of me that I believe will always been attached to La Esperanza, and I don´t know what God has in store with that--it is merely something that I am offering up to Him. Perhaps, He only led me here so that I would pray for the town and people here. Perhaps, He has other purposes in mind. At any rate, it was not an accident, and I only want to be obedient in any case.
Yesterday, I went to Jorge´s game (he made a penalty kick goal!) and got rather sunburnt. I am going to have a gorgeous flip-flop tan--likely my only proof that I actually got some sun. Then I mainly spent the rest of the afternoon with the family while the volunteers went to a tourist area with some of the soccer boys. I enjoyed the time with Dercia, the kids, and Jorge. Jorge and I visited for a long time while he was doing homework. He is such an amazing kid, a very diligent student, and such a ridiculous perfectionist! I am going to miss him very much, but I look forward to when we can visit when he goes to university in Tegus to study medicine, and I live in Tegus.
Last night was also very blessed as God was so present in some of the things that happened. As I believe I may have mentioned before, we volunteers like to visit with the neighborhood boys--all of whom are cousins of the family we live with. They are rough around the edges in many cases. A lot of them drink, and sometimes, talking to them can be quite interesting, but they have become quite precious to me. I have a tendency of adopting brothers, especially guys that have rough lives or that go through difficulties, and my dad calls these guys my ´´lost boys.´´ These guys have definitely become some of my lost boys. Although I´m not very close to any of them, they have all become to important to me. Last night, they were drinking while we were visiting with them, and one guy who was drunk--Alexander--who I have rarely talked to before, started talking to me. These guys know that I am different. Jorge and Henry, one of the soccer players here, both have told me that it was very apparent to them that I am different. It´s not just that I don´t drink. They can see that I have sincere motivations of kindness with them. Jorge said that he has never met someone like me who tries so hard to operate out of love for other people rather than selfish intentions. Jorge told me that he will always remember my face and my smile because he has never met someone who always has a smile as I generally do. This is most definitely a God thing. He is my strength and my joy. He is the one that has made me who I am. Thus, He receives all the glory. At any rate, Alexander looked right at me and started talking to me directly telling me that he wanted to change.
Last week, we came across Alexander not only drunk but high on cocaine as well. These guys lead rough lives. A lot of them have grown up without mothers or fathers. A lot of them have grown up in homes plagued with alcoholism. Many of them have had children of their own since they were teenagers. They constantly are around drinking and adultery, and just from the way that they interact with me, I can tell that they must be lonely in their lives. There is never any stability, never any sincerity. It is normal for everyone to be unfaithful. It is normal to never be able to trust even your wife or closest friends. It is normal only to rely on diversion and substitutes and the obligation of family to get you through life. It is a tragic existence to me and one that has touched my heart with compassion and sorrow while I´ve been here.
Alexander kept saying, ´´Quiero cambiar. Quiero cambiar.´´ ´´I want to change. I want to change.´´ And as he looked me in the eyes, my heart just broke for him. His mom died this past year of cancer, and when she was on her death bed, he promised her that he would stop drinking. He held her hand and promised, and four days later, he was drinking again. He feels such guilt over that, and he wants better for his life. He told me that when he hears the songs trickling from the churches, he begins to cry every time. And I know that this is the Spirit of God working in his heart, sending him an invitation to have a real relationship with Him. Alexander kept saying, ´´I want something real, Sarah. I have my God, but I want to change.´´ The other guys were really giving him a hard time, saying, ´´If you want to change, just do it. Just stop drinking. Stop smoking. No one can change you but you.´´ But I kept looking at him straight in the eyes even as my own were full of tears, and I kept saying, ´´I understand. I understand you, Alexander.´´He kept talking about how he needed someone to take him by the hand, to take him to church, to take him to hear the word of God because he can´t do it himself. He feels shame around God and fears being judged in church. The others kept telling him that he shouldn´t need anyone else to help him change. But I just looked him in the eyes and again told him that I understand. And I do. We humans can only change by inviting God to change us. It is His work in our hearts; we cannot earn our salvation or will ourselves to truly change.
I asked Alexander to walk with me for a bit, just to get him away from the others, so that I could talk to him. One of the first things he said to me was, ´´Why haven´t we talked before, Sarah? This is the first time I´ve ever really talked to you. Why haven´t you told me how I could change before? Why haven´t we talked about God before?´´ I can´t explain the level of conviction that stirred in my heart. I will openly admit that I don´t know how to witness. I feel as if I have been through so many religious brainwashings that I don´t always know how to operate with a kingdom mindset of sharing His word with others as individuals rather than a quota to meet. I try to operate in love and show love diligently, but I am still learning how to be His voice. Please pray that He would lead me in learning how to witness.
I told Alexander that God was with us in that moment, that only God could work in his heart and change his life. I told him that the reason that God sent His Son, Jesus, was precisely because we cannot change ourselves. He listened intently, and I prayed for him. I told him that he could pray as well, simply telling God that he wanted God to change him. But, he refused. ´´Sarah, I´m drunk. I can´t come to God drunk. It´s not right.´´ And all I could tell him was that God loved him right where he was, that he didn´t need to change to come to God, that he could talk to God while in any condition in any moment. He said he knew that God loved him, and he told me a story about how he was almost hit by a car a couple days ago, and how he knows that God rescued him. He said he knows that God is with him because even though he is drinking or making bad decisions, he feels as if God has spared him numerous times when he should have died. He told me of his fear or death, and I explained that accepting Jesus and having a relationship with God means that we are rescued from death. We talked for a long while, and it was obvious to me that God is working on his heart. At the end of the conversation, he told me that he had faith that God was going to touch his heart to change him, and then, in the same sentence, he promised me that he would stop drinking. All I could tell him was that it was God´s work, that all he needed to do was received God´s grace. I gave him my e-mail and phone number so that he can contact me if he needs to, and I will continue to keep him in my prayers. I ask that you do the same.
Please also keep Nelson, Alexander´s brother in your prayers--he is 23 and has a daughter he is raising by himself. He works as a mortician, and he is so plagued by death and fear that he can never sleep at night. He is also the one whose head was cracked. Please also pray for Henry--he is also 23, and he was raised by his father. His mother has been in the US since he was 8-years-old. He is a precious person, but he struggles with the need for control and seems to operate out of force and fear, and all I can see in him is that he desperately wants something real. Please pray for Carlos, a policeman in San Pedro Sula who has become my friend. He does cocaine and marijuana. Please pray for Jorge--he is so important to me, and he is walking in a direction away from the vices of many of his peers which blesses me greatly. But he has also been through some difficulty. A result of an affair, he has been raised by his mother and aunts, and I believe that there is still a part of him that longs for the reality of a compassionate, ever-present Father.
It is very difficult for me to leave La Esperanza-so much more than I ever expected. I feel such an intense love and compassion for the people here, especially my lost boys, that I feel that leaving them is going to cause me to be very broken. But I am so grateful for all that God has shown me here at Calvary. I am greatful for all of the ways that I have died to self and all of the realizations of how much more of me needs to die. What I want more than anything is to be a pure vessel that can carry and overflow the love and message of Jesus to everyone around me. I want His will and His glory in all things.
And thus, it is off to Tegus. I have no idea what else God has in store for my last little bit of time here. I am already so overwhelmed by how much God has changed me just in the past few weeks here in La Esperanza. He is so loving and gracious with me, and I so desire to spread His love to others, including you. I hope that you feel His presence today wherever you are, and I pray that you would allow Him to delve deep into the recesses of your heart, that you would meet Him right where you are (no matter what your condition) and let Him love and purify you. His best is always better than ours even when it means the pain of dying to self.
Until next time,
Sarah
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