Fighting as a Family

Naomi, Raúl, and I during her visit here in July
Hello All,

Well, July got away from me without updating, but miraculously, here we are in August already. This year is just flying by. It has been one of the most difficult (if not THE MOST difficult) years of my life, but it has also been one of extreme blessing and purpose. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world because I can see how God is moving me forward in His will.


Naomi and the Hedgesville Hope for Honduras Team

My sister, Naomi, was able to visit with the team that consists of my teacher from student teaching and some of her students. It’s always a pleasure to have them here although I felt bad because they came in a time when my exhaustion level was maxed out. (Just to review my life thus far this year: I adopted Jesús at the beginning of February and sent him to Teen Challenge. Josuan broke his leg in the end of February and was with me non-stop until May 6. In that time, we had numerous teams. Josuan was in Teen Challenge a little over two weeks before the rod in his leg migrated up his back, resulting in two more surgeries and month more of recovery with me starting May 23. During his recovery in June, my cousin, Gabrielle, was here. Josuan returned to Teen Challenge June 23. Gabrielle left, and the following day, Marvin and Erick had leave, which meant running around with them all weekend. Thus, I had one day before my sister and the team came.)

This was me basically the entire time that my sister was here--just so exhausted.
The team went to the Feeding Centers, where my teacher, Nancy, was able to meet her two sponsor children. They also went to the hospital to hand out packets of baby clothes, diapers, etc. to the new mothers who often don’t have anything. They cleared the ground at Feeding Center #2 and started building a playground. We had issues with visiting any of the IHNFA centers because they were all on strike while they were here. Thus, they didn’t make it to 21. They did visit the girls’ juvenile detention center, and we had a great time playing soccer with the girls. It was also great to hear Coach Kelly’s testimony. They were able to briefly visit Casitas Kennedy as well. They wrapped up their trip by visiting a public school, Naomi's favorite part.  

The team with some of their Honduran friends at Feeding Center #1.


Clearing the ground at Feeding Center #2.



One of the special needs kids from Casitas Kennedy

Naomi with some school kids

Smile!

We also took the team to the streets to hand out sandwiches and Tang. While we were there, I found Victor—a young man who was in 21 last year when this same team was here. He had left with his grandmother to return to his home, but because of drug problems, he left and returned to the streets. I can’t tell you how many or how often I come across boys on the street who I’ve met in 21. I want to help them all in all honesty, but I have to wait as God gives them to me through His provision, through circumstances, etc.



Victor and I

Wilmer, one of my best buddies (and possibly one of the cutest children on earth) who always runs to me saying, "Sala!!!! I know you!"

Naty, Josue Joel, and I. Josue is one of Naty's sons (and my nephew). From day one, he called Naty "Papi."

Naomi and a friend



The location in el centro where Josuan used to hang out and dig through trash for food

As was the case last year, the unique part of this team is that they purposefully spend time and include other Honduran teenagers. It was very cool to see those relationships continue to develop for a second year in a row. The Honduran teens look forward to this team coming and count down the days until they can see their gringo friends again.

Although I was tired, it was great to have Naomi here and to be able to share with her the people and places that have made Honduras home. She did well with adjusting and participating even though she could speak limited Spanish. I think she discovered that the language of love is understood no matter where you go. This was evident in the connection she made with Sherlley, Estiven’s daughter. Sherlley ran through the house asking where “Sarita’s sister” was. (Eventually, she did learn how to say Naomi.) 

Naomi and Sherlley

 


Selfishly, my favorite parts of my time spent with Naomi were sharing my second family (Raúl’s family) with her and by taking her to meet my sons. It helps my boys so much to know that even though my family doesn’t live close by that they do love and accept them as my sons. Although there was a language barrier, it was fun to watch my boys take pictures with Naomi, and they loved the gifts that Nancy sent and the ones their grandmother (my mom) sent as well.

Naomi and I at Pichacho

Naomi and Jesús



Tía Naomi and Marvin

Josuan was so excited to receive this shirt from his grandmother, especially with his name spelled correctly!

Yuscaran

 Well, another part of the ministry in which the team participated (minus Naomi) was going to Yuscaran to hand out items and food and join in the usual church service. It occurs to me that I haven’t updated about Yuscaran in forever, and that’s primarily because I haven’t been in forever. Naty and Martha continue going every other Sunday as always, but I stopped whenever God made it clear that I needed to be more involved with my boys at Teen Challenge. Naty and Martha recently have had a lot of good news. They were given an acre of land for the church by the mayor, and a team from the US, headed by a former missionary to Honduras, will be coming to build a cement block church and possibly two classrooms in November. Thus, they are preparing the land now to put the foundation for the church. After three years of faithful service, holding church services outside in the sunshine and rain, they are finally going to have a place to congregate their people.


Elvis’ Dad

To give you an update on how the situation is with my the father of my son, Elvis, there hasn’t been much movement forward. The social worker at El Buen Pastor has had significant difficulties in getting a hold of the mayor in Trojes to find out if he’ll donate some land to build a house. If that isn’t an option, my next question to explore would be whether Elvis’ father would be willing to relocate. It would be easier for me to ensure his long-term care anyway if he is closer to me. As it is, he lives four hours away. So, we’ll see what happens with the situation. As God opens the doors, I’m committed to helping in any way that He leads.



Erick and I

My Kind of Motherhood

Let me give you some glimpses into my unconventional yet truly precious family to give you an idea of what my kind of motherhood is like…

The first Sunday after Gabrielle left, my sons and I had a big confrontation. As a mom, I’m balancing some very interesting dynamics of rival soccer gangs, past histories on the streets and in IHNFA centers, and one of my sons even unknowingly used a knife to try to rob a family member of another son. Other than the shared time in 21, I’m the only thing holding this seemingly random group of boys together, and, trust me, I have my share of sibling rivalry issues to deal with, especially in competing for my attention. Thus, we had a very clear conversation that either all of my children would learn to get along together, or I would stop coming to visit or would only visit those who could get along. (I won’t lie—that was a bit of a mom bluff just because I love them too much to stay away forever. But, it was exactly what they needed to hear. By the end of the conversation, they were making amends, apologizing to me, and promising that the following Sunday would be better.) Since then, we’ve had no problems of that nature to that extent.

Josuan has reached the point that he can’t stand to hide anything from me—good or bad. He had told me numerous times that he wanted to tattoo my initials on himself, and I adamantly told him that I did not want to make any appearance on his skin. While I was flattered that he loves me and wants the world to know I’m his mami, memories of me are sufficient. But, without going into details as to how he managed this one, he did tattoo my initials on his skin.



There is no one like my Jesús...

The last time that Jesús was on leave, he was adamant that he wanted to wash my car. Jesús’ way of showing me love is by serving. He is so precious! He won’t sit down unless I sit down, and he cleans my house until it’s spotless. He helps me cook even though he doesn’t like cooking, and he is so proud when he does a good job. Because he basically never went to school, working and serving are his ways of showing his capabilities and talents. So, I let him wash my car. (He did an amazing job!) He said, “Now, Mom, you just go sit down and let me take care of this. I’ll show you when I’m done.” When he finally calls me over, I realize that he has ripped up his entire jacket to dry my car because he didn’t have any more clean rags.

When my boys have had leave, I have also returned with them to 21. Words cannot express my pride as I watch Marvin, Erick, or Jesús preaching to the boys who are in the same position they were in X number of months ago. There is just such a power in my sons and what God is doing in and through them! Jesús (who struggles with speaking clearly as a complication of the 10 gunshots and seven stab wounds) preached to the boys, and afterwards, many were interested in going to Teen Challenge. We laugh as a family because when someone encourages Jesús to talk up Teen Challenge or encourage someone to go, he tends to say, “Teen Challenge is really beautiful. They discipline you there. If you don’t listen, they make you do 500 squats. You should definitely go.”

Speaking of squats, a few Sundays ago, I arrived to see Josuan, standing and waiting patiently for me. When he comes over to hug me, I notice that he is practically waddling…so it comes out that he was joking too much with a leader and was given a punishment of either losing his visit with me or doing 500 squats. And even having just been operated on only a month before and being physically out of shape, he did all 500. His response—“Mami, I’d do 2000 squats. I’m not losing my visit with you!” We also write letters to each other every day. It was something that God laid on my heart to have him do when he left for Teen Challenge since I know he struggles so much with being away from me and with sharing me with his brothers (after being the only one with me for four months). Now, he’s well known as being the crazy kid who is constantly writing. Even when they turn the lights out in his bunkhouse, he asks for permission to keep writing in the bathroom. I read his letters over and over and over throughout the week, and he reads mine over and over as well. He writes so many precious things, and they’re things that I want to share because they bless my heart so much, but at the same time, they’re all just my son, and I can’t pick just an excerpt or two. You just have to know him.



Josuan getting my letter for him for the week

Jesús is also truly unique and precious. (I’m laughing as I write this.) One Sunday while Gabrielle was here, a leader was completing his year in Teen Challenge and was called up front to give a speech. They had had a rough week with some problems with various boys there, and in his speech, the leader asked for forgiveness of three particular boys (NEVER mentioning Jesús) and called them up to give them a hug. Jesús (whose name, I repeat, was not called) rises from his seat with an extreme determination on his face, approaches the leader seriously, and wraps him up in a hug as everyone in the crowd looks on with confusion. Suddenly, all of his Teen Challenge buddies just started yelling, “Yeah Chuy! (his nickname)” I don’t know what struck my child in that moment that made him feel like he had to get himself a hug up front, but it has become one of my favorite Jesús moments.



He makes me smile!

Last weekend, Marvin was on leave. I have opened Pandora’s box with the driving lessons because that’s what they all want to do when they’re on leave. I, personally, do not enjoy being a driving teacher, but this is how we bond. It’s also how I’m able to learn about their personalities and learning styles and gauge the growth in their characters. Marvin is pretty stubborn. He gets irritated when I’m too quick to grab the steering wheel or the emergency break. I am surprisingly patient. I’ve never yelled at any of them even when Marvin backed my car into a small tree (and dragged it for a while) or when Josuan nearly drove us into a drainage ditch. I’ve got some pretty big trust in my guardian angels. This past driving lesson, Marvin was struggling to know where he was on the road exactly. I was warning him to turn the wheel or stop as he was going to go into a massive, deep hole or hit the oncoming car. He didn’t listen, so I braced myself for the (two) giant holes. I kid you not—I’m pretty sure angels lifted us up out of the holes because I thought for sure we were going to be completely stuck. When we miraculously exit them both, he looks at me sheepishly and says, “I’m never going to drive again, Mami. I’m so sorry. I should’ve listened.” “Yes, you should’ve, but we all make mistakes. Obey me next time, or there won’t be a next time.” “Okay. I won’t make any mistakes ever again. I’m going to be your chauffeur someday. I have to take care of this car because it’s my inheritance.” They all think that my car is their inheritance. Seven sons, one car…you do the math.



Advice session with my little man, Marvin

Last Friday, Marvin had leave, and I also took Josuan to his checkup appointment for his leg. He didn’t really need the appointment (in my point of view) because he can already walk, run, play soccer, etc. (although he shouldn’t really be doing all of that so quickly). We went primarily to take advantage of the time together, so I drove the hour to Teen Challenge, picked up him and his brothers, drove to the hospital, waiting in the hospital basically all day, and drove him the hour back the same day. While we were at the hospital, I trusted Josuan enough to pick up his own X-ray while Marvin and I went to turn in his paperwork for his appointment. When he returned, he had his street kid face on. When he’s going through some kind of attack of the enemy, a bad attitude, anxiousness for drugs, etc., his entire face, expressions, movements, etc., change to be the way he was when I met him in 21 and saw him high on glue on the streets. It’s the reason he can’t lie to me as well any more. So, I asked him, “What happened? Who did you see?” And he tried to deny it and shake it off, but I continued, “Son, you know that I know you. Don’t lie to me. What happened?” And it angrily spilled out that he had had a run-in with an old enemy from a rival gang who was there with friends and got in his face. Josuan’s saving grace in the situation (and God’s protection) was that a guard stepped between them, and Josuan was able to walk away. This is my kind of motherhood. This is why I so need your prayers. I never know the kind of situations I am putting myself in just by going normal places with my sons. While they don’t try to hide their pasts, we never know when we’re going to see a former enemy. But, God is always so faithful to protect us.

Fighting as a Family

After roughly four months of going to Teen Challenge consistently, God is finally making us a family. It is a beautiful thing. It, however, is not without its constant challenges. There is a video by Kris Vallotton that I really like called “Spirit Wars” on YouTube in which he states, “Spiritual conflicts most often occur when we advance into new territory that is inhabited by evil spirits. . . . Most often the battle happens when you enter into territory that is your territory, that is your promised land, but you have never inhabited it. And then one day you say, ‘you know, I think I have this talent; I think I’d like to do this; I think I’d like to preach; I think I’d like to pray for the sick; I think I’d like to take up art; I think I’d like to whatever. I think I’d like to . . . and suddenly, you realize that evil spirits have been keeping you out of that land forever, and when you made almost just a casual decision, you entered into this huge conflict! And it’s like, what the heck is that?! Your territory that was inhabited by somebody who you were supposed to kick out. See, the battle almost always happens when you decide to take territory that was always yours, but you never inhabited it. . . . All he’s trying to do is scare you. Scare you from the pursuit of your promised land.”

I find this to be unbelievably true. I cannot explain to you the spiritual attacks that my family (of sons) and I have been under this year or even just in the past few months. Ever since I became the sole person responsible for Josuan, I’ve had unexplained stomach issues, resulting in 10-12 pounds of unintentional weight loss and great difficulty in eating. (So I just offer up whatever inability to eat up to God as a fast, and He honors it.) I had two nasty bouts of bronchitis within two months. Marvin has had two nasty bouts of stomach infection. John had a sinus infection, and now, Erick has had flu-like symptoms for a week. And, all of this has been within the past two to three months. Not to mention everything that happened with Josuan’s leg (which God worked for His good completely).

My boys struggle constantly with temptations to escape from Teen Challenge and with anxiousness for drugs. Jesús, I’m fairly certain, is going to set the record for attempts to escape Teen Challenge. He’s tried to escape four times now, and they always catch him and bring him back. Josuan openly has told me of the temptations that he’s had to escape (primarily because he misses me and wants to show up at my house). John has wanted to escape since March, and Marvin, my most solid son in faith, packed his bags to leave just a little over a month ago before admitting to his leader his weakness and need for discipline. Josuan recently confessed to me that before he went to Teen Challenge the second time, he wasn’t looking for drugs or trouble, and a neighbor brought him some marijuana he had found. So, having the pot placed in his hands, he took it with him but was so afraid of getting caught and losing his visit with me that he got rid of it without smoking it. When my son reaches a point where he really wants his life to change, the enemy finds a way to just bring him drugs with no purchase at all!

When I go to Teen Challenge, I have to be spiritually, mentally, and emotionally prepared. I never know what my boys are going to be dealing with, and I have to be ready to be firm and fight for them and with them. The past two Sundays, I’ve had similar conversations—once with Josuan and last week with Jesús. The conversation with Josuan went something like this (as he's continuously crying):
“Mami, I don’t want to be here anymore. I never wanted to be here.”
“Son, how many times have we had the conversation that life isn’t about what we want. It’s about what God wants and His best for us. You’re here because God has you here. Do you want me to be your mami?”
“Yes! You know that I do. You’re my whole life.”
“Well, you already know that being my son means obeying my decisions for your best. This is my decision for you to be here, and if you want me to be your mami, it’s not negotiable.”
“Why did God do this to me? Why did He make me love you so much? Why did He give me all that time with you only to have to be away from you now? He should've just brought me directly here. Or He never should have made me love you.”
“Son, you see me every Sunday. I haven’t abandoned you. God hasn’t abandoned you.”
“I know. I just, I love you so much. I miss you so much during the week. It’s so hard to wait to see you when I feel so alone. I’m just going to go back to the streets and do drugs if you don’t want me with you.”
“Son, even if you are with me, do you think you’re not going to have temptations? You almost went back to the streets three times when you were with me, and you had two incidents with marijuana even with how vigilant I was. Being with me does not mean that you stop having conflicts and temptations. You need to be here right now because you need to develop firmness in Christ to resist the devil. Josuan, stop listening to the lies that Satan is feeding you right now. Everything that is coming out of your mouth is a lie from the enemy. This moment is going to pass. It’s a moment of difficulty, but we’re going to resist, and it’s going to pass.”
(The entire time I’m praying and asking God for wisdom, and just as suddenly as the street kid emerged to have this conversation, he disappeared. Throughout the conversation, it was like a demon was sitting on my son’s shoulder feeding him lies with a spoon like someone feeds a baby. But, after making my stand, within minutes, Josuan was laughing and saying, “What is wrong with me? I’m so sorry for behaving that way, Mami.”

 

Josuan and Jesús--they take good care of each other.

This past Sunday, Jesús quite seriously brings me a note and tells me, “I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t stand it anymore. I tried to escape yesterday.” I read the note someone else had written for him, and it says, “Sara, the reason for this letter is that your son Jesús comments the following: He doesn’t want to be here, and if you don’t take him out of here, he is going to escape. He can no longer endure being here, and he is thankful to you and your family for everything that you’ve done for him. And he loves you and will continue to love you. God bless you and guard you.” I had to restrain myself from laughing in all honesty, thinking about how many times Jesús has failed to escape and how the enemy was not going to win this one. (I later found out that two leaders had had a conversation about whether or not to let Jesús come to me with the note because they’ve had a lot of parents recently who take their child home after the first conversation like this. But, the leader who knows me best told Jesús’ leader, “Let him go. Trust me, she’ll straighten him out. Don’t worry. She won’t take him home.”)

After talking with Jesús, I realized that what was really bothering him was that his roommate (who already completed his year) was leaving to go home. Jesús has been in and out of centers so much in the past who knows how many years that he has had very little sense of stability. Thus, when something changes in his environment or his social group, etc., he freaks out. I wrapped my son up in a tight hug and then told him very firmly that if he decides to throw away his life by going back to the streets, he’s also throwing away me. I said, “Jesús, who do I have here in Honduras? Who is my family? You all! Do you want to abandon me? Do you want to abandon your brothers? Don’t you realize that we need you? Who takes care of me? Who protects me? You do! And you want to abandon me? Who prays for Josuan when he’s crying? Who gives him hugs and encourages him? You do! You’re important to our family. Jesús, you are not negotiable to me. You are MY son. I love you! You belong to God first and then you belong to me because God gave you to me. Tell me what it is that I need to do to fight for you, and I will do it.” This went on repetitively for quite some time until out of nowhere, Jesús said, “I’m sorry, Mami. You’re right. I’m going grab onto the strength I need from God to stay here.” He left to go to his room, and a leader later told me that after our conversation, he went to his room, turned it upside down, cleaned it perfectly, and went to his leaders saying that he wanted them to pray for him and pray for his room. He asked them to forgive him and said that he would never try to escape again because he had made me cry and that hurt his heart. (At no point in our conversation did I cry.) His leaders were so shocked by his sudden change that they didn’t even take away his visit with me as punishment. (Whether or not that’s true that he won’t try to escape again, we’ll see, but if I have to have the same conversation with every single one of my boys every single Sunday, I will do it. As far as I’m concerned, each one of my five WILL FINISH their year.) By the end of the visit, I had Jesús encouraged that his new roommate is going to need him to give him words of encouragement and that he had to take care of Josuan for me. And, he hugged Josuan like a protective big brother and said, “Don’t worry, Mami. I’ll take care of him.”

The other element of this past Sunday was that Josuan’s grandmother went with me to visit him. While I was talking to Jesús, Josuan was talking to her, and the street kid emerged. I knew just from looking at him what they were talking about. Without going into it too much, what I can tell you is that a dangerous adult from his past has been looking for him, contacting his family, etc. And, he’s terrified that this person is going to find him or me and harm one or both of us. He clung to me tightly before the church service (after I’d just finished my episode with Jesús) and cried saying, “Mami, please don’t let anything happen to me. Please, Mami, protect me.” Well, after the episode with Jesús and this new battle and my own few weeks with personal battles, I had absolutely had it. I got very righteously angry because it was so obvious how the enemy was trying to destroy my family. (This is how I know that what God is doing in us and what He’ll do through us is BIG because the enemy has been scared enough since February to throw health issues my way. He’s not going to win.) I texted every Honduran prayer warrior in my phone asking for prayers, and when praise and worship started, Josuan and I already knew how we were going to fight. He and Jesús are both my dancers. From the first note of praise and worship, they’re usually up front dancing. So, the three of us, together, danced with everything we had. (There’s a reason that the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20 has always been a favorite.) And, the pastor’s message was about bringing our Goliaths out into the open to be fought in public and defeating our enemies in our spiritual battles. When he called for people who were facing a battle to come up front, Josuan, Jesús, and I were some of the first ones front and center, hugging, crying, and praying for each other. I don’t know what God did in that moment, but something broke for my family.

Later that day, I read in Josuan’s letter from the week the following:
“Today, at night, in the nightly service, we were in a moment of prayer, and the Holy Spirit was in that place (in the church). I started to cry and dance with all of my strength. I prayed so strongly that I couldn’t talk afterwards. And suddenly, I started speaking in tongues. I think God gave me or is starting to give me that gift. Now, I’m going to pray for the gift of interpretation. Well, I felt the desire to pray for Jesús because he was on his knees, and I began to pray for him, encouraging him to continue forward. I told him he wasn’t alone, that he has God and a brother (me) who love him very much. Jesús stood up and started dancing beside me. We had our arms around each other, and I was crying, and he was praying (I think he prays in tongues because there are things he says, and I don’t understand anything). The most impressive part was that Marvin came over and hugged me and was praying, but I didn’t understand what he said. What I do know that is absolutely certain is that when he hugged me, I felt a powerful anointing. I began to cry, thinking that I have a great family—my new brothers that I never had nor ever thought I’d have. . . . And I never thought I’d have a mother as special as you.”
(Can I remind you that this time last year, Marvin had just decided to go to Teen Challenge, Jesús couldn't stand because he was recovering from gunshot/stab wounds, and Josuan was living on the streets and getting high on crack, marijuana, and glue? I serve a BIG GOD!)



My right-hand men, Josuan and Marvin. God is going to give these two the nations.

It has been my desire this entire time to build a sense of family to where my boys can depend on each other and not just on me…that they can pray for one another, love one another, and hold each other accountable. And God is doing that! Josuan and Marvin are my right-hand men, but they also have been my biggest conflict in terms of sibling rivalry and jealousy. To know that they are learning to love one another as brothers (even when I’m not around) is something that only God could have done! So, we have struggles and temptations and moments of weakness, but we are learning to fight as a family because what God has for us is so big, special, and powerful that it’s going to rock the worlds of so many others with radical love.


I have a lot more to announce, but this post is already pretty long. So, I will save the rest of the announcements for the next post. Please keep my family in prayer. God is doing something special with us, but it is a constant fight for our promised land.
Thank you so much for reading, for your prayers, and for your support! We so appreciate it!

All of my love,
Sarah



A Beautiful Redemption and Small Beginnings






My beautiful family at Teen Challenge (minus John)



Hello All,


I have so much to share with you! I apologize in advance for the length of this post because SO MUCH has happened in such a short span of time. I had two weeks and around three days of rest after Josuan went to Teen Challenge before I was thrown back into full-time mom mode. During those two weeks, I was just seeking God as to what was supposed to be next. I didn’t really get too much of an answer other than to continue pressing forward on the path He has me, loving the family He’s given me, and keep believing that He’s doing a beautiful work. He, indeed, is! This year thus far has been one of the most difficult and yet adventurous years of my life. I have become such a stronger person, and my faith has grown in amazing ways. Becoming a mother has been the greatest gift I didn’t expect even though I legally can’t adopt any of my boys due to a law that you must be 15 years older than any child you’d want to adopt. I don’t know why God gave me the sons He gave me, but I look at His provision, the work He’s doing in each of their hearts, and the power of the love He’s placed in my heart that is spreading contagiously, and I know I was created—too young or not—for such a time, place, and family as this.


On May 23, I went to Teen Challenge to pick up Josuan because the rod that was placed in his leg at the end of February had migrated up his back, and it was a miracle that it didn’t re-break his leg, pierce any organs, or even break through his skin. It was visible under his skin, and when we went to the doctor, he was taking pictures to show other doctors since he’d never seen anything like it. When I arrived at Teen Challenge, he told me that he was sorry for his comments on Mother's Day that he wanted to escape, and he insisted that once he had recovered, that he had to return to Teen Challenge (I told him I wanted that in writing--ha ha). The day after Mother's Day, he had a dream (God speaks to him through dreams) of what would happen if he escaped and went back to the streets. In the dream, lots of terrible things happened to him and culminated in his being murdered. From that day on, his desires for his life have changed because he knows that God is rescuing him. God worked in his heart in a way that I never could have, and in this round two of parenting, it's been like parenting a different child as a result.

I spent Raúl’s 25th birthday (after making his cake and sending his presents with other people) in the hospital while Josuan was urgently operated on to remove the rod. Words cannot express how exhausting it is to be a single, adoptive mom in a hospital so difficult to enter and direct oneself correctly with so many male doctors out to snag the gringa’s phone number. But, that night, after not eating all day since my son couldn’t eat in preparation for surgery, Raúl brought me some visitors, food, and a piece of the birthday cake I’d made him, which was a much-needed break and encouragement.


Josuan helped me make Raúl's birthday cake. When I asked him if he wanted to lick the beaters, he said, "Why would I want to do that?" When I told him that I used to lick the beaters whenever I baked with my mom, he eagerly agreed. It's the little mom and son moments that bless my heart because it gives my little man the childhood he never had...

For whatever reason, the doctors kept my son in the hospital two additional days after his surgery—for three stitches. I was unbelievably exhausted after three days of little sleep and barely eating, and I spent the morning of my 24th birthday in the hospital waiting for Josuan to be discharged. Afterward, I took him to stay with Hermano Naty for the rest of the evening while I took a much-needed break with Raúl to celebrate my birthday. I was a mess. I was so ridiculously exhausted that as soon as I got in the car to go to Tatumbla with Raúl, all I wanted to do was cry. In Tatumbla, he had a cake and surprise birthday party waiting for me, but it was his bringing Hermana Sonia, his spiritual mom, to pray for me that filled me with the greatest joy. Her prayers over me were simple. There were no deep, prophetic words, but the compassion of those present gave me peace and enough strength to continue. I spent the rest of the afternoon getting to be a child—participating in the Honduran tradition of biting the cake and hitting a piñata with Raúl and our friends. Raúl’s presence in my life helps me have much-needed exits from serious, ultra-responsible mom mode, to be God’s little girl.


Biting the cake didn't turn out well for me. Ha ha.

They made Raúl bite the cake too since I wasn't at his birthday.



Cutting our birthday cake...

Not an Orphan


We were told that Josuan’s bone had healed sufficiently that he’d be able to do some physical therapy to walk on it without having another rod inside to support it. But, on the first night I brought him home, even walking with crutches, he was in excruciating pain and could feel the bone moving. It was terrible seeing my baby in so much pain and having to have Raúl and others carry him to the house for me. He just cried in my arms and told me that he was struggling with desperation for drugs because he knew with them, he wouldn’t have to feel so much pain. We prayed together, taking authority over the enemy, and he calmed. It is such a blessing to me that we have developed enough trust to share the fight against his addictions together.

God was so faithful that in the midst of my exhaustion, He already knew exactly what I needed as He sent my cousin, a recently graduated Registered Nurse and my best friend, to help me for a month. When we decided on her dates to come, none of this had happened, and we weren’t expecting it, but God obviously already knew. She has been such a tremendous help during such a stretching time. On June 6, they operated on Josuan again—this time putting a $525 rod and screws in his leg that will never be removed. Waiting for the operation, my son went on and on about how if it wasn’t for me, he would’ve been handicapped his entire life because the idea of anyone caring enough or even his very financially limited family being able to scrounge up $525 would have been unheard of. While I brush it off because I know that everything that I have belongs to God, and I’m only a means of distributing it, I do feel the weight of what he said. Handicapped the rest of his life from a broken leg…how difficult is it to stop for the one?

Before he went into his second operation, Josuan was looking very sad. I knew what was bothering him, so I kept him close so he’d know he wasn’t alone. When he finally came out of surgery, he looked up at me with big, teary eyes and held onto my arm like a toddler afraid of his mommy leaving. “When I went into surgery, the doctors asked me if I had any family. I already felt bad because I’d been thinking that no one in my family cares enough to be here, so I said no. Then they asked me who I came with, and I told them my mom. And they replied, ‘How are you going to say you have no family if you have a mother?’ And it’s true, Mami. I have you. You’re my family and Tío Naty and Raúl and Papi Alvin and my Tía Gabriela.” The logic of these doctors is beyond me because while they kept him for three days for three stitches, they discharged him the same night that they operated on him—with a new rod in his leg and seven stitches. They didn’t even prescribe him an antibiotic. So, we headed home. Gabrielle and I slept on a mattress beside his bed to monitor him throughout the night. Even with very little sleep in the previous days, I couldn’t sleep. So, I found myself laying my head on his arm as I prayed over him. He woke up and said, “What’s wrong, Mami?” I explained that I was praying for him, so he came close for a hug. As I held my son, he soon began to cry.



My baby boy and I. Words cannot express how much I love my son.

“All my life when I was little, I used to pray that God would send me a mom who would really love me. My grandmother loved me, but she didn’t really act like my mom. She only hugged me sometimes, and I used to be at the Mother’s Day celebrations at school and see all the other kids getting hugged by their proud moms, and I had no one. I so wanted to cry because I felt like an orphan, like no one loved me. But now I know that even though God may answer late, He always answers. He sent me you. I have a mami who loves me, who holds me when I’m sick, who tells me she loves me. I’m not an orphan any more. All of my life, people told me, ‘God is like your father.’ Well, how could I relate when my father abandoned me? All my life, people told me, ‘Well, God is like your mother.’ Well, why would I want to relate to God as a mom who gave me away? But, now I know that God loves me because He showed me through you. If I ever were to fall back into drugs and go back to the streets, I wouldn’t last even a day because I’d be missing so much love from you.”

Readers, there is no greater justification for doing what I am doing. It’s all worth it. After all of the exhaustion, sickness, stress, crying, and wondering if I was going to make it, it's all worth it. My son is quite simply not the same person he was when I met him. He has light in his eyes. He has plans for his future. He knows he's not an orphan. This round of parenting has been the greatest unexpected blessing because God has allowed me to see just what He’s doing through my little life to change the life of Josuan, and it brings me to my knees in humility and joy. I am one little person who is too young and too unexperienced and too hopeful, who God is using to turn this precious young man’s life from something so painful to something so beautiful.

He had a fever for the first few days and was in pain, but it wasn't even a week later that he was already walking around with only one crutch and soon with no crutches. He's still limping and has to do physical therapy exercises to fully rehabilitate, but he's definitely on the road to full healing. Thus, he was with me for the past month just until we could take his stitches out (which Gabrielle was so faithfully taking care of) and get the approval of the orthopedic surgeon for his return to Teen Challenge. He returned just this past Sunday after another month with me, and I miss him like crazy.



Adventures with God

The first Sunday that Josuan got out of the hospital after his third operation, we decided to forego the long day at Teen Challenge to go to a church nearby. We were already running late when Gabrielle and I arrived at my son’s room to pick him up. Like a typical teenage boy, he hadn’t gotten himself fully ready. I had left my car unlocked thinking I could run down to the room, get him, and hop back into the car, but in the five minutes I was away from my car, someone stole Gabrielle’s purse. My purse was underneath her purse, but it was untouched. In her purse were mainly things of personal value—a Bible, a journal, her driver’s license, etc. She didn’t have any more than $2 in cash. We let Raúl know, but there wasn’t much we could do. In my experience, any time anything has been stolen from me, I’ve never recovered it even if we’ve discovered who stole it. By this time, we were too late to go to the church we intended to go to. Thus, we decided to drive around the Kennedy to see if we heard any praise and worship to stop. Nothing. Finally, we called Naty who told us we should go to Pastora Mirna’s church. I had recently met her at a prayer meeting and had wanted to go to her church but didn’t know how to get there. Naty gave us directions, but we arrived there late as well. Naty promised us that we needed to go anyway because God surely had something good for us. I couldn’t help but feel the same way, so we entered. Anyone who knows me well knows I have my own general difficulties with church, but this was one of the most redeeming church experiences I’ve ever had. It had been so long since I felt so loved immediately upon entering a church service. Within five minutes of being there, Pastora Mirna approached my son and began to pray for him, breaking spirits of abandonment and death and prophesying that he’s called to be a missionary to other countries. It always blesses me to see someone minister to my son, but Gabrielle and I were also in for a blessing. Pastora Mirna brought both of us forward and formed a circle of people around us to pray for us. Most of the words that I received were confirmations of things God had given me before and were words of waiting and developing perseverance, knowing that God is fighting for me and has already given me His approval. Gabrielle also received several words. More than anything, though, I was so blessed by the love radiating from that place. It is exceptionally difficult to be a single mom, and most people take my being a single mom to teenage boys as a joke. But, I can assure you that the discipline is real, the struggles are real, the exhaustion is real, and the love is more real than anything else. It was so nice to feel so much love and support in that church when I often feel alone or judged even by my own brothers and sisters in Christ. Before we left the church service, I received a call letting us know that Gabrielle’s purse was recovered. Raúl’s landlady had confronted the person they suspected, and he confessed as to where he hid it. The only thing missing was the $2. God just wanted to take us on an adventure because if we wouldn’t have been so late, we wouldn’t have gone to Pastora Mirna’s church.

 

Elvis, my son, lives in orphanage El Buen Pastor, but his father who cannot walk due to polio in his childhood, lives in extreme poverty.

Without Elvis, he has no one to bring him food or take care of him, but I want Elvis to be able to be a child, learning to read and write in El Buen Pastor. Thus, I want to help his father.
“And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” – Isaiah 58:10

I visited my sons, Elvis and Jorge, in El Buen Pastor once again this month, and I’m working with the social worker to find a way to help Elvis’ father. From a very young age, Elvis was the sole breadwinner and caretaker of his family—his handicapped father (due to polio in childhood) and mentally handicapped mother and sister. He is only 14 now, so you can imagine how young he was when he began selling firewood to provide for his family. He is only now learning to read and write. Since Elvis was taken by IHNFA, his father has had no one to care for him as the sister got married and his mother lives on the streets due to her mental illness. Elvis likes being in El Buen Pastor, but he often struggles with the burden of his father. He feels guilty for not being there for him. Thus, the social worker is doing her best to investigate the situation so that we can find a way to take this burden off of Elvis’ shoulders.

Currently, the father is living with Elvis’ uncle, but the uncle is fed up with having him there and often throws him into the streets. The father hasn’t bathed in nine months and often goes without eating. If we can find a way to buy or receive a piece of land from the pueblo’s mayor, it would be possible for me to help Elvis’ father build a house. I need more information before I can concretely say the best way to help in this situation, but I’m committed to finding a way because my son’s burdens are my burdens too.

Josuan and Marvin--my silly right-hand men

Women’s Conference and My Right-Hand Men


In the middle of June, Manos Extendidas hosted a women’s conference that Mami Nelly organized. It was awesome to say the least. There is truly so much I could say about the experience, but what stuck out to me the most was just the steadiness of God to work on our behalf. Many times in this year thus far, I have felt like I couldn’t continue, like I was thrust into waters that towered over my head with no solution, but I am beginning to see the light at the surface. I am beginning to see the ways that God has fought for me all along, and all I can do is marvel. My role at the conference (while I was recovering from a bout of bronchitis/laryngitis) was translating. I didn’t have anyone else to take care of Josuan, so he came along with Gabrielle and me. On the second day, a leader from Teen Challenge called me because my other son, Marvin, had become seriously ill. He hadn’t been able to eat for several days and was continuously vomiting. I immediately went into mom mode, telling the leader that I’d pick him up, take him to the hospital, etc. But, the truth was that I had a job to complete, and Mami Nelly had planned on my translating the next session. So, Naty helped me by picking up Marvin and taking him to a clinic. He had a nasty stomach infection and was put on some strong antibiotics. After two injections, however, he was already improving. It was so difficult to let someone else take care of my baby because I so wanted to be there. The women at the conference (with a theme of living in the supernatural power of God) gave me a hard time about wanting to leave, telling me to trust God to heal him. But, the truth is that I rarely worry about physical recovery. Even after three operations and all of the complications with the rod in his leg, I’ve never once thought that there would even be a possibility that Josuan wouldn’t eventually heal enough to play soccer again. I am geared so much more towards ministering to people’s emotional pain that my thought with Marvin was that I didn’t want him to feel alone, didn’t want to miss an opportunity to show him how much I love him. But, God felt the pain of my mother’s heart, and because Naty already had a job he needed to do at the conference, he just brought Marvin to me. Thus, I had two of my boys—the ones who have accepted me as their mom the most—with me.




Mi chaparro, Marvin

In the hours that I was waiting to hear how Marvin was doing, I was struggling with what I’ve struggled with so many times in this process of becoming a mother—condemnation. I get so much criticism for being so young and for having teenage sons of all things, and while everyone has a comment, few have the will to help. But, while I cried out to God, so fearful of failing Him or disobeying, He sent some lovely ladies to talk to me and pray for me. He also told me after my conversation with them, “Don’t you know, little one? I chose you. Can’t you see how I’m moving the mountains for you? I will set a banquet before you in the presence of your enemies.” And He is beginning to do just that.

Words cannot express the joy that overflowed in my heart when I had Marvin and Josuan on either side of me, both recovering from physical ailments, yet so full of hope. My joy could not be contained as I watched them both worshiping God so earnestly because I can see just how far God has brought my sons and what He has given me in them, and I feel so unworthy. I don’t know what God is going to do with my future or their futures, but I want them with me. When I pray about my future, I see them with me—going to places I can’t go, touching lives I couldn’t have touched, and bringing me more children to adopt and love back to life. And, what blesses me even more is that they want to be with me; they want to share in the same vision and heart of adoption because they get it—they’re not orphans. And they want others to know the same truth.



While they are my right-hand men, they are also currently ridiculously jealous of each other and constantly competing for my attention. So, I like this picture because I'm claiming it for the future when God heals their hearts.

The Keys to Jesús’ Heart


Jesús


I’ve been praying for months now that God would give me the keys to Jesús’ heart. His leaders have had problems with his back-talking and disrespect, and I could tell that he’s been keeping me at an arm’s length. He tried to escape from Teen Challenge, but due to his physical limitations from his 10 gunshot wounds and seven stab wounds, some leaders caught up to him quickly. All he has talked about in most of our visits is his desire to go back to his hometown to see his “sponsor,” his only father figure since his parents died (at least in most of the versions of the story I’ve heard). But, he can’t return to his home town because he’ll be murdered. To be honest with you, I have a difficult time getting a grasp on how to love Jesús. His story constantly changes in terms of who he was, how he grew up, etc. My desire is never to love someone based on their story; however, it can be helpful to know someone’s story to know how to love them. Jesús, however, is my wildcard son. During this month, he also had his first leave for a weekend with me. I was nervous to say the least because I’m boring, and nothing stresses me out more than having to entertain someone. Josuan has been with me long enough that he feels like family, and I don’t feel compelled to entertain him. If anything, I feel totally at home with him. It is not that way with Jesús yet. He also hadn’t been outside of a center for at least eight months, so I wanted to make it at least a little special for him. So, Raúl and I took Gabrielle, Josuan, Jesús, and Jesús’ Teen Challenge shadow, Uriel, out to the movies. Josuan and Jesús fell asleep, and in the middle of the movie, Jesús wanted to leave. I had no concept of what Jesús likes or what he wanted to do or eat or whatever. (It’s really difficult to be an adoptive mom sometimes.) In the middle of the weekend, he told Josuan that he wanted to go back to Teen Challenge early. By Saturday night, I felt like the biggest failure as a mom with Jesús, but I determined that I wanted him to leave filled with hope. So, I took all of my boys to see Hermana Sonia, Raúl’s spiritual mom. (I love that I can always show up at her house and can count on the fact that she will always have something to teach or a sensitivity to the Spirit to give a word to any stranger.)



 

 She taught my boys about guarding God’s word and having perseverance, and just listening to the Holy Spirit, directly called out several of Josuan’s current struggles. She gave me a word and prayed for each one of us. It was special to say the least, watching as she prayed the longest for my Jesús, moving according to the leading of the Holy Spirit to touch on all of his hurts and bondages. I don’t know what God did in that moment, and to be honest, Jesús, due to his own mental/developmental difficulties, couldn’t really explain either, but something changed. I was also quite blessed by how much God touched Uriel through Hermana Sonia’s prayers because thinking of how patient he’d been the whole weekend in tagging along with my crazy sons, I had prayed that God would give this young man something special, and He did. When we were finished, God gave us an encore because Hermana Sonia told us she had to leave her house to go pray for a young man headed for a drug rehabilitation center. As we talked about the center, we realized that the young man was headed for Teen Challenge. There was no way it was a coincidence that God had brought us there, so upon her invitation, we accompanied her to talk to the young man (a former classmate of Raúl’s). I beamed with pride as Uriel, Jesús, and Josuan took turns giving him scriptures and testimonies and hope for his life with Jesus and his future in Teen Challenge. The young man listened intently, and I began to see something so special in Jesús as he felt like something bigger than himself, with a purpose to impact someone else’s life. When we got back in the car to leave, I had peace. Jesús belongs to God. I may not know what I’m doing and may feel like failure, but God knows what each one of my sons needs.


 This past week at Teen Challenge, Jesús shocked me. After months of talking about returning to his hometown and only seeing his future there, his first question was, “Where’s Raúl?” When I told him where he was, he said, “When I get out of Teen Challenge, I want to live up there with Raúl and work at his tire shop to help you pay for stuff.” (He’s not the only one of my sons with that same thought process.) He also opened up about some struggles he’s having, and watching him dancing before the Lord during praise and worship made it ever clearer—Jesús is very special to God. God loves Jesús so much that He saved him from 10 gunshots and seven knife stabs. He knows what He’s doing with Jesús’ future. 




Erick, John, Gabrielle, and Jesús

La Tía and Her Nephews

It was such a joy to have Gabrielle here to be an aunt to my sons. I often tell my sons about their grandparents (my parents) in the States, but having someone from my family here to show them love solidified the truth that even though my family may be far away that they do care about my sons. It was such a burden lifted for me to have another person to give them attention as it is so hard for me divide my time and attention among five of them at the same time. And, my boys genuinely love her as well, especially Marvin and Josuan—her patients. (It was crazy to see how my little Marvin clung to me in fear like a toddler when she had to give him his antibiotic shots. This is the child who has three tattoos and “fearlessly” robbed entire buses. He was a complete child, terrified of needles and telling me, “Mami, please, no! No shots, please?”) It was also a blessing to see how God was able to work through my abnormal, somewhat dysfunctional family to show Gabrielle love and make her feel like part of a family. I am so blessed by Gabrielle’s ability to love my sons like her own nephews and make them feel like they will always be family to her. It is not any person that chooses to catch our adoption drift, and I will miss her so much as she has been like a second parent or at least a support system for this very stretched single mom. We all hope that she will come back to see us soon.

Gabrielle and Marvin

Erick and Gab

Gab and Jesús



Sobrino Josuan and his Tía Gabriela

John and Gab


The Beginning of Home and Family
My little family is definitely unique and is constantly God’s work in process, but I’m excited to see what He’s doing even as we struggle. With having Josuan living in the apartment adjacent to Raúl’s, I started thinking about where I was going to have Jesús every month that he has leave and where I would put Marvin or whoever else if they wanted to stay. The more I prayed about it, the more I felt like I needed to start renting the apartment permanently. There was only one problem—it was already set to have renters to move in the same day that I felt like God was impressing upon me that I needed to rent it. So, I told God, “OK, as a form of confirmation, if I’m really supposed to make a commitment to rent this apartment, please open the door.” That same day, I found out that the renters were no longer interested. Thus, while it is not conventional and is not the ideal for forever, I have my first step to a boys’ home. Sometimes, you just have to be faithful with the small things. Josuan has stayed there all this time. Marvin stayed there when sick. And Jesús and his shadow stayed there during his leave. I’m in the process of getting beds and other items to make an empty room a home, and, Raúl and I have agreed to set up a shared kitchen between us and the two apartments. It reassures me greatly that he lives on the other side of the wall and has been so open to being a part of my boys’ lives. (Raúl also recently went to the streets with Naty, Gabrielle, and I to hand out food, and it seems like he wants to get more involved. While it may seem small, his coming to be a part of street ministry was huge.)



Erick and his mom



John and Erick





My boys and I (minus John)



Meanwhile, Marvin will finish his year in Teen Challenge in August. He is interested in living in the apartment and working with me, but I want to be very clear about what God’s will is before I set up anything permanent. He will need to study as he stopped at fourth grade, and I don’t want to accept him long-term until I have taken a month-long break in the States at some point this year. So, the apartment may end up being his home, and I may end up homeschooling him. But, we’ll see what God has in store. John is in need of prayer. He’s been struggling for several months. Because of his background, it’s difficult for him to trust God and let Him in; thus, he’s rather stuck in his spiritual growth and often talks about escaping Teen Challenge. But, I know by faith that God has him there for a reason. God hasn’t given up on John, so I’m not either. Erick is doing fairly well, and his mom comes to visit him often. He will be in Teen Challenge for two years given his court mandate. Jesús now has five months of being in Teen Challenge, and I’m told that his behavior is improving which makes this mother proud. Josuan, who just returned on Sunday, was devastated to find that the time spent with me did not count towards his year in Teen Challenge. Thus, I’m not even sure if he’ll have visitation rights when I go back this Sunday. That is very hard for us as we’ve grown quite close as mother and son.


A Beautiful Redemption

It’s difficult for me to even put into words what God has done through my relationship with my son, Josuan. While I can’t betray confidences with him, I can tell you that he has developed enough trust with me to share some of his most painful experiences—experiences that, oddly enough, I understand. And, because they are experiences I understand, he’s also asked me lots of questions about my own experiences which has brought much to the surface of my own life and past in terms of things that needed to be healed. While I am finding that there is no greater pain than knowing what my baby went through before I was a part of his life and wishing I could have been there to rescue him sooner, there is also such a humbling beauty in knowing the power of God’s redemption—that He allowed me to rescue my son from many of the same dark, painful experiences that I went through myself. It brings me both to tears of pain and tears of joy. I feel so humbled because I can't imagine why God picked me.

In his last week with me, Josuan cried every day multiple times a day because he didn’t want to leave me. He likes Teen Challenge, but he didn’t want to let me go. It was very difficult to send him back to Teen Challenge because I know that, in me, he finally has what he’s always wanted in life—a mother and a sense of family. I didn’t want him to feel abandoned, but I also know that my son belongs to God first and me second. Thus, even though we both cried the whole way to Teen Challenge on Sunday, I knew I had to be obedient to put my baby in God’s hands, especially since that’s where he’s been all along. “Mami, why do I love you so much? Did God put this love in my heart? I love you even more now after this month with you than I did the first time I went to Teen Challenge.” And, I don’t have an answer for him because I can’t explain the depth, width, and lengths of this love that God has placed in my own heart for my precious child to whom I did not give birth. All I can say is that my life is far more beautiful than I ever could have imagined simply because God granted me the desire to obey Him in stopping for the one. I stopped for one, and four months later, I have a son with a leg on the road to healing, and I have a healing heart so full of love I feel as if I’ll burst. And this is only a small beginning.



 All my love,
Sarah