Country Roads Took Me Home

Naomi, Ally (Samuel's fiance), Samuel, me, my Dad, Raúl, my Grandmom, and my Mom


Hello from the US! When I last updated, we were in the thick of last minute preparations--leaving bills paid in advance, making sure all of our students had their expenses covered and school supplies provided, and making sure we had somewhere to leave our car and someone to take care of our house and dog. For the most part, things were already mostly set whenever the Honduran Congress passed a controversial law that sparked public outrage. Since the election in 2017, there have been sporadic protests, but often, they have been limited or with little participation in comparison to the uproar that happened in 2017. The law in question was rumored to affect the whole education and healthcare workforce, and the response was more wide scale than previous protests had been (so much so that Congress later cancelled the law). There were roads blocked across the country with burning tires, and in some cases protesters clashed with police, and tear gas abounded. One woman on the northern coast gave birth in the midst of a protester crowd because she couldn't get to a hospital, and at least one bystander was injured in the crossfire of protests. Where we live, there is one principal road to get to the city. There are several back ways to get to the city if you know the way, but many of those areas are rough neighborhoods or areas also susceptible to protests. In the weeks leading up to traveling, I was having such a hard time sleeping because my brain was too active in thinking of all of the things that still needed to be done or what to do in the worst case scenario.

The weekend before we were set to leave, Raúl lost a dear friend who died in a motorcycle accident. Raúl headed to San Pedro Sula for the wake and funeral, and he still feels like the suddenness of such a young person's death is too surreal. It's hard to believe that his friend--who leaves behind a wife, a daughter, and a stepdaughter--is really gone. Please join us in remembering their family in prayer. His name was Robert.

Due to the protests and just an overall feeling on my part that we had already faced so much opposition to the whole immigration process and to this trip in general, we decided to ask some missionary friends who live closer to the airport if we could stay with them. They received us with loving hospitality on such short notice, and we started our trip feeling loved and at peace. Overall, our trip, though long, went fine. We had no delays or issues in immigration even though the process of getting approved felt a little nerve-wracking since we weren't clear on what to expect.

It still feels surreal sometimes to have Raúl here. He, meanwhile, has marveled over the dishwasher and has wanted to go down every aisle at Walmart asking me what everything is and what it does and what it's made of. He has been surprised by the tranquility of rural West Virginia and how people can leave all kinds of things in their yard or outside their businesses and no one steals them. He's also had some challenges in adapting to having down time. My husband is very hyperactive, and he loves to work. Relaxing is hard for him. Not having a pressing task at all times to keep him busy has been stretching, as I knew it would be. But, as he is constantly asking my dad what he can do around the house, he has push mowed lots of grass and is preparing to chop some wood even as I write this. My family is reluctant to give him jobs to do, but life, in general, is more peaceful for him and me if he can be in motion. Other times, when dad doesn't have a task for him, he has been reading--a first for Raúl, really. He's been enjoying a book about marriage that my mom got him. Overall, having been in similar seasons, I know that when we are uncomfortable is often when God is working the most, speaking the loudest, and transforming our lives from the inside out. So, while I sympathize, I'm also conscious of not entertaining him constantly and asking God to use this time well.

We hit the ground running a bit when we got here. I had to renew my driver's license, and we ran some errands with my dad. And two days after we got here, my brother proposed to his girlfriend, Ally. It was such a blessing to be able to be a part of such a special day that my romantic brother had planned to a T. He took Ally hiking and collaborated with one of his best friends to take pictures as he asked her to marry him. She said yes! The rest of the evening was spent in a surprise party at a popular café where the live band played a song they danced to. And, one of his best friends flew in from Denver for the occasion, while two of her best friends surprised her by flying in from Chicago and Baltimore. Watching my brother and Ally dance brought tears of joy for my family and me. We love Ally. She has fit in with our family pretty much from day one, and she loves my brother well. I usually miss these kinds of occasions, so it was priceless to experience my brother's deep happiness. True to Ally's disposition, even though it was her special day, she took the time to sit down with Raúl for a while and use some Spanish to communicate with him. He later commented how she made him feel much more at ease.

On Sunday, we headed to church with my parents and then drove two hours that evening to speak at my cousin's church. It had been a few years since I had had the chance to visit with that congregation, and they received us with such welcome arms. Raúl even felt at ease enough to share some of his own testimony, and true to Raúl's disposition, he was so genuine and charming that I think they loved him immediately. We finished the evening in a time of fellowship eating many of the delicious pies they had made.

Since then, we've been resting at home but will soon gear up for another round of visits. With all of the running and driving and busyness, I needed some time to just settle in and be. Thankfully, we have had some slower days recently where we've been able to do just that.

In the mean time, Raúl's brother continues to maintain the business and care for our house and dog. We are very grateful for his willingness to care for our life in Honduras so that we can participate in life here.

Later this week, we'll be headed to my old college stomping grounds. I have wanted to take a trip there for several years and just never make it to that part of the state. So, I am excited to revisit some beloved places, see some people I love, and get to share a part of my life with Raúl that has always been dear to my heart. We will also be doing some sightseeing around the Washington, DC area, so Raúl can have some more cultural experiences and get a sense of the grandeur of the US beyond rural West Virginia.

Overall, we feel so blessed to be here and are enjoying the time with family. My brother recently graduated with his master's degree in occupational therapy, and we were able to be present at the ceremony. I caught myself unexpectedly weepy as the whole coliseum sang "Country Roads" at his graduation because I'm proud of my brother and also proud of where I am from.

This is the first time probably since I was 18 that we're all living under the same roof again as Naomi is home from college for the summer, and my brother is waiting to take his license exam. It's precious time that God orchestrated perfectly. I hope to see many of you all while we are here.

All my love,
Sarah

Eight--The Year of New Beginnings

It occurs to me that I’ve written several times over the last several months that I’m in a season of seeking God’s strategies. The reality of missions is that oftentimes we enter a situation with an idea or a vision or a hope or a plan, and nothing goes according to that mental image or our projections. I have had many different seasons of ministry that have all looked very different, and in some ways, they haven’t seemed very cohesive. That makes me all the more grateful for the people who have been so faithful in believing in who I am as a person, who God is leading me to be, rather than putting their faith only in what I do. I understand clearly that it’s much easier to get behind a defined, detailed vision. We like to know that we’re investing in something that makes sense, and believe me when I say that I myself have struggled to believe that who I am is good soil because what I do has seemed disjointed at times. What I can say, without regret, is that my heart has always been set on obedience to God above all else even as I’ve been frustrated at the lack of a clear path. At times, I have felt just a little bit envious of those missionaries who set out to do something specific and then do it. They develop the plan, they raise the funds, and then they put it all into action and see measurable results. My story hasn’t really ever been like that.


But, I am learning that whatever I have walked—fruitful or not, purposeful or not, meandering or truly divine—has been an ongoing circumcision of the heart. I grew up being the good church girl. I was the person who was always available, always willing, and often thrust into doing things that were beyond what would normally be expected of someone my age. Because of often being told I was mature for my age and because of my ingrained personality, I have often demanded much more of myself than anyone else is demanding of me, or I have taught others to treat me as such by denying that I have needs. I have struggled with striving. I was the kid who cried over a B. I was the Christian kid who was always on some kind of a mission. And, for a long time, I didn’t know that I had permission to guard my heart or to say no. Much of my life story with God thus far has been an unraveling of beliefs I was either taught or that I absorbed myself. It has been a journey of unlearning—unlearning that I have to earn God’s love with my good ministry; unlearning that being a whole and healthy person can’t just consist of ticking off all the boxes of church attendance, Bible reading, and prayer; and unlearning the misconception that having needs within the Body of Christ makes you weak or unworthy of being used by God. I made a commitment before I became a missionary, after much internal processing with God and stripping of my own ego even then, that I would not be busy for the sake of being busy. Though I wouldn’t have put it into these words, I have been committed to the idea of respecting God’s no in my life and acknowledging that His no is protecting me somehow. For that reason, I have not rushed forward in these seasons that have felt like absolutely nothing is moving forward or producing fruit. I have continued to be faithful. I have continued to seek. But I have resisted jumping into something only to be able to justify my existence as a missionary.


It’s been extremely hard to be true to who I am in ministry, and I don’t know that I’ve passed that test with flying colors. Often, I have struggled with the expectations of others, my own projections of the expectations of others, and the cultural pressures I’ve encountered that I never expected. I have walked seasons of being so desperate for community and relationship in ministry that I have let aspects of myself slide for the benefit of others, or I have convinced myself that I don’t have enough anointing, authority, and spiritual strength and need to let someone else tell me who to be. Sadly, but at the same time, rightly, all of that has been only to find that many of the people I have internally placed on a pedestal are just as human and fallible and weak in some areas as I am. We’re all so in need of God’s divine favor, direction, and grace.


In September, I will complete eight years of living in Honduras and being a missionary, so I’ve been wondering and investigating what significance that number eight has in the Bible. What I have found is this: It means resurrection and regeneration. It means new life. If the seventh day is the day of completion and rest, the eighth day is about a new start. When God flooded the earth, He saved eight people to start over. (1 Peter 3:20) Eight also represents the circumcision of the heart (Genesis 17:10, Leviticus 12:3)—God’s cutting away all of those things that aren’t reflective of His heart or His strategy or His vision or who He wants us to be. When I look back over the last seven and half years, I see a lot of the ways that God has been whittling down the things in my life that weren’t healthy. Some of those things relate to not knowing how to have healthy boundaries and how to take care of the temple of the Holy Spirit within me. Some of those things were related to my personality and ego and my own desires to be validated by what I do. And, the greatest conclusion in my search for strategy has been this: I have reached the end of myself, and I have ended up exactly where I knew I always needed to be—the secret place of intimacy with the Father. The knowing that if He does not move, there is no other option. The acknowledgement that prayer and worship and ministering to His Person in relationship has to come first.


I have known with my head even before becoming a missionary that the key to it all is in relationship with the Holy Spirit and in putting Him and our relationship first. Before moving to Honduras and in listening to many messages from Heidi Baker even after moving, I learned that God can do more through our dependency and intimacy than He can ever do through our striving and strength. But it’s taken me a long time to transfer that from head knowledge to heart action. I’ve certainly had seasons of close intimacy with God and feeling Him direct my every move. So, it hasn’t been a situation of going through the motions. But, I have often deterred myself from making intercession and worship the be all, end all priority above all else because I’ve struggled with wanting to do, to produce, and to be able to tangibly justify my life in Honduras and my ministry. How do you measure the impact your worship has on the heavenlies? How do you quantify how your intercession is opening Kingdom doors for salvations and healings and transformations? How do you compose a PowerPoint presentation about your fruitfulness when your time is primarily spent seeking God’s face rather than giving, helping, and serving people?


Don’t get me wrong—the giving, helping, and serving is important. It’s not to be ignored or dismissed. It is vital to the Kingdom of God. However, it should be done from a place of being fueled in and directed by the secret place. Speaking from experience, the giving on human terms often does not lead to salvation, at least not necessarily in that the sower also harvests. The helping often causes dependency on we humans rather than dependency on God. And the serving can cause a ministry’s purpose to be de-railed when the needs of the people dictate the whole direction. We can take cues from the needs around us. Those needs are important. But, when ministry gets flipped upside down, and we forget that we are called to minister to the Person of God first, not only do we end up with nothing left to minister to the Person of God in relationship, we also end up having nothing of value with which to serve the people. When your heart is empty of love, giving is no longer a joy and a conviction as a result of relationship with our Heavenly Father but an obligation to resent. And, along those lines, we also don't want to teach dependency on us or a sense of entitlement or a victim attitude.


But, oftentimes, ministry is a merry-go-round spinning so fast that you can’t get off even enough to get your bearings. Raúl and I have maintained ourselves, and I can say that because I found Ladies Bible study and friends who have accepted me with so much love and understanding, I am in a much healthier place than I’ve been in in seasons past. But, I would also be lying if I said that we aren’t tired. The reality is that every day we are presented with needs. Every day, we are placed in the complicated position of discerning what is helping and what is hurting. And, without the Holy Spirit, it’s an impossible task. I can’t say that we always get it right, and I’ll be the first to say that I usually don’t make good decisions under pressure. And, more often than I’d like to admit, we’re also facing disappointments, betrayals, and sorting out the emotions after we’ve given and then been mistreated. Even if we entered into it with an attitude of giving as unto the Lord and not unto solely unto others, it still hurts. So, we are in need of a reset, a refill, and an encounter with the love of the Father.


It’s a relief to me that those who have been praying for us feel like this upcoming trip to the States will be just that. And, in my own time with God, I also have felt like this will be a time of renewal as well as re-commissioning. I am entering this time with hands wide open for whatever God wants to take off of my plate or put on my plate. But even before entering into a time where I will have the chance to gain some new perspective, one theme is emerging—returning to the secret place. Choosing to be secure in my identity as a missionary even if I’m being called to a season where my primary purpose is actually worship and intercession above all else. The truth is that I welcome it because I’m at the end of myself and am out of ideas. Raúl and I can’t transform anyone. We can’t provide for everyone. We don’t have all of the answers…sometimes, we don’t have any of the answers. And, there are some things that are so deeply rooted in this country (as it is in all countries) that without spiritual warfare and God’s perfect intervention, there will not be change no matter how many people we educate or employ or evangelize. Prayer truly is the lifeblood of ministry.


So, that is my confession for the month and this last update before we head to the States. I am full of hope and honestly excited for what God has in store. In the meantime, my husband is still running himself ragged trying to get everything in order before we go. Prayers for that and for a smooth passing through immigration are greatly appreciated.


As a side note, we also had cause for celebration this month as Esthefanny finally got to partake of her high school graduation ceremony. It came late, as she was already done with her first period of college classes, but welcome to Honduras. It was quite the accomplishment, and we are so proud of her. She continues to be a joy to my life, and I look forward to the amazing things that God has for her future.




By this time next month I’ll be writing to you from the US. I hope to see many of you while we’re there. Much love to you all. We are so thankful for your continued prayers and support. We do not take it lightly the way that you have invested in us as people and have believed in us even when we may have struggled to believe in ourselves. Thankfully, “I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in [us] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6.

Trucking Onward

When I was in middle school, about a month or so before Christmas break, in that season after we'd already had a taste of freedom during Thanksgiving, our poor teacher (small private school...just the one) struggled to motivate us. One day, she half-lectured us even as she admitted that she was also fighting to not mentally check out. I think Raúl and I are in the same boat at the moment. We're so excited to have time with my family and in the US before too long, and at the same time, as we're in the middle of the hot and dry season, our outward surroundings are reflecting the condition of our souls. Raúl feels like a sponge squeezed dry. There are still people and circumstances trying to get some kind of last moisture from him, but my dear husband, who has served alongside me and dealt with many of the same emotional pains and spiritual battles, has never had the kinds of breaks that I have. And, it's showing. I look forward to when the switch gets flipped for him from the perpetual "gimme gimmes" to the "let me love on yous" that I generally experience in the States. It's startling in the best kind of way, honestly. As compared to years past, I don't feel emotionally burnt out. I feel quite hopeful, really. But, my soul is tired. I feel a bit like the world is spinning too fast, and I want to get off. My life feels a bit like that afternoon slump when drumming up energy seems futile. With all of that said, we actually are trucking along if only for the promise of an upcoming break and also because we simply are ourselves with each need and circumstance that arises, and being ourselves often means counseling, providing, correcting, encouraging, and whatever else the situation demands.

Raúl is in the throes of preparing his business to be cared for by his partner/brother while he is gone. As is often the Honduran way, they've had years to do this and have waited until almost the last minute. My opinions on that I'll just keep to myself, but it's made for Raúl working many later nights in the process. In the mean time, I have been saving, saving, saving in order to leave our students with their semesters paid for in advance and have continued to progress as much as we can in English classes before we leave.

Those classes are going well, by the way. We've been adding students to our numbers in the past few weeks, and while there are those who have dropped out (which is inevitable here), we've certainly had our core group that has continued to make great efforts and strides. It's also been a blessing for Raúl to once again be learning in a classroom setting. He is so social that, while he's my hardest student to keep on task, he does actually learn better when others can help spur him on. Classes are also an encouragement to me because they provide some sense of results and tangible forward motion that the rest of my life can often lack.

The students we sponsor with our non-profit are doing well. Though it seems counter-intuitive, Esthefany will have her high school graduation ceremony in just a week even as she is wrapping up her first trimester of college classes. She loves her classes in university and so far feels confident that she has picked a major that sparks her interest. Meanwhile, her brother, Josuan, hasn't been near us since December. He made some poor choices, and it became evident to us that we needed to place some new boundaries so as not to fall into enabling him. He just turned 22 last month. He has been in contact with us periodically, though, and from what we can tell, he's been with some of his family members. Marvin, as far as we know, continues to be in prison. I recently had lunch with Jorge who is doing very well. He continues to live in a transition home run by a missionary family that works for the same organization that heads up the children's home where he grew up. We had some great conversations about how he's learning to navigate family dynamics. After years with little to no connection with his biological family, he's been thrown into meeting all of the family members and observing how years of some dysfunction have played out in his absence. I imagine it would have to be so bizarre to develop an idea of what family should look like and then finally meet your family and have it present challenges you never expected. With that said, Jorge knows Jesus and is often receiving good advice from the missionaries he is living with. He is also taking some barber classes because he'd like to start his own small business and be independent.

All in all, a lot of normal life is going on for us. That looks like small group and meetings with young people for counseling. That looks like preparing lessons for English classes and Spanish tutoring. That looks like getting our electricity issues checked out and taking our dog to the vet. It looks like washing dishes at the pila and mopping the floors. It looks like standing in line at the bank and balancing the checkbook. It looks like Bible study with my missionary ladies and grocery shopping. It also looks like unexpected visitors and invading respiratory viruses. It looks like previously unannounced needs and plumbing woes. And it looks like a lengthy to-do list of all kinds of things I need to tackle before we leave.

On a personal note, since I am picking up on my own compassion fatigue and just overall need for a break, I'm giving myself some permission to pull back and remember some elements of my own identity that don't revolve around being a missionary. Permitting myself the room to breathe is giving me the strength and determination to push through what I do need to keep up with and prepare to leave things in the best working order they can be.

So, if you're keeping track, here are some areas of prayer for us:
*The energy and time management we need to prepare everything that is lacking to be able to travel.
*God's protection and direction over the business while Raúl is gone (and that they'll prepare well in the mean time).
*Esthefany as she wraps up her first semester and as she'll start her next one.
*Josuan--God's continued protection and mercy over him and pursuit of him
*Marvin--the same
*Jorge--God's continued direction and open doors as He leads Jorge to be the man he's called to be.
*Our trip--that God would already start setting things in motion to breathe on our dry bones and give us greater clarity for our future in ministry.

Love to you all,
Sarah

Staying True like Joseph

Photo by Alex Block


I've been encouraged by the story of Joseph recently. What must it have felt like to have to carry a dream for so long and see not only no fruition but also seemingly little forward motion toward that dream? We don't feel the anxiety of it when we read it because the beginning and the ending of the story is all right there at our fingertips. We might have to hold our breath for a page turn, but that's about it. It's possible that when he reached Potiphar's house he started to feel like, "OK, finally, this is my ticket to being someone worthy of having his siblings bow to him. I'm finally getting somewhere." Then the rug is ripped out from under him in the worst way possible when he's not even guilty. We don't get to see the inner workings of Joseph's thoughts during all of these plot twists. We're only presented a very saintly, good guy Joe--always doing the right thing, always impressing everyone, always maintaining a close enough relationship to God to hear Him. As a fellow human, I wish I could get a glimpse into his inner struggles. I find it hard to believe that he never would have had a moment of, "Hey, God, did I just eat some bad lamb that day I had that dream? That's not really a thing that's going to happen at this point, right?" Or "Um, God, I know You do what you want, but this whole prison thing is pretty unfair. I mean, you really blessed my grandfather with a lot of wealth, and my dad has a whole lot of success. So, uh, are You mad at me or something?" And those examples are tame, apt for the saintly, seemingly unfeeling Joseph we're introduced to. (He seems to develop much more emotions whenever he's in charge and meets his brothers. I'd say, obviously, this isn't really a reflection on Joseph but on the writer.) Given the nature of the culture of Joseph's lineage, it also doesn't make sense to think that Joseph is the kind of guy with no foresight who just lets life happen to him. If he were such a fatalist, I don't think he'd put forth so much effort as to always end up in charge everywhere he goes. No, he grew up in a tradition of birthrights and family blessings and the stories of his grandfather, Abraham, actually receiving promises from God. So, my point in all of this is that Joseph had to walk many years of his life in the tension of choosing to hold onto a dream from God while walking through frustrating, seemingly futile circumstances.


I think if there were to be some kind of a job application for being a missionary, this should be some kind of prerequisite or disclaimer: Are you willing and prepared to give years of your life, your sweat, your tears, and all of your resources with no guarantee of any outward results or making any outward headway? Are you thoroughly prepared to live and serve with no guarantee that life will be fair? Actually, if we're getting down to the nitty-gritty of it, this could and probably should apply to any Christian. I'm not talking about personal growth. I'm talking about dealing with other humans. I'm talking about those forces beyond our grasp. We have no control over what other people do with their lives no matter how we long and and fight for them to see their potential. We have no control over when someone decides to cheat us or falsely accuse us or gossip about us. We have no control over when a government decides to take our foster child from us or when a young person we've helped decides to steal from us. We cannot force our loved ones to stop doing drugs or obligate our neighbors to respect us. We can't control the outcome of an election or prevent a diagnosis from reaching a loved one's ears. But, the one thing I'm learning in the loudest way from Joseph is that he never stopped being himself. As a shepherd and son, he was faithful and obedient. As a slave to Potiphar, he was reliable and hard-working, honest and upright. In prison, he was trustworthy and a serving leader. As a counselor to Pharoah, he was humble but spoke the truth. And, when he reached a position of power, he was all of the things he'd always been--just with more power and wealth at his disposal. And that is when his dream was fulfilled. The key to seeing God do what God already told him He was going to do wasn't about striving or fighting his circumstances. It wasn't about earning God's love. Even the effort he tried to make of telling Pharoah's servants to remember him didn't pan out near as well as it probably should've, because, well, humans. Out of sight, out of mind. No, Joseph reached the promise by slow and steady, humble and serving, never losing sight of who he was or who God is.


If January sparkled with energy and new possibilities, February, so far, is dulling the sheen with the wear of reality. Part of this, if I'm honest, is because I have a trip to the US on the horizon and because I'm feeling that edge I get when I need a solid break to get some fresh perspective. The other part is that I'm in a sitting season. I'm not literally sitting as in doing nothing. Most of my time actually is filled. But, I am in a season where I'm still seeking divine strategies. And, maybe at the heart of it all, God is once again refining my definition of ministry. If I'm candid, I currently am asking God the question, "What do I do when it seems like no one is interested?"


A lot of times, the viewpoint for those sending is that the biggest need for the mission field is resources. If the people just had a job and a steady income, they’d be fine financially. If they just had an education, they’d be able to advance in life. If they just had a church, they’d surely follow God. If they just had a healthy family, they’d stop acting like street children. I’ve learned over the years that while that is a hopeful mindset, it doesn’t provide for the complexities we humans bring to the table or the deep need we have for God that we don't even understand. Just to give you some ideas—we’ve seen people be given jobs and act entitled in their workplace and frivolous in their administration, thus keeping their finances in the same situation. We’ve given people scholarships for an education, and they take the opportunity for granted. Then they get angry when we choose not to sponsor them again. And, we’ve provided a sense of family but as soon as we’ve put any sort of limits in place, sometimes kids decide that family has to let them do whatever they want with no consequences. It is easy to convince yourself that healthy family has to look however is convenient for your whims when you've never had a healthy family. You can define family however you want to fit your desires. All of this isn’t a Honduran problem—it’s a human problem.


The desire of my heart is to see people encounter Jesus, grow in all aspects of life, and reach their full potential as God created it. But, a lot of people aren’t actually interested in any of that. As a missionary, I can hand out money and resources and feel busy, like I am doing something. I could also emotionally coerce others to behave a certain way. Some people will be at church every time the doors are open because they’re afraid of people gossiping about them or because they’re afraid the pastor will be mad at them. But, the root of that decision is fear of man, so if anything, I fight for everyone to feel free in making their own decisions when it comes to our ministry. Poverty does look like something outwardly, but it’s also a mentality that invades all of our behaviors. True growth has to start with real relationship with God and others—a choice to trust, not fear. Change has to start at the root in someone’s heart and is often elusive when the person can seek out any kind of rescue without any nudging towards personal responsibility. How many people did Jesus heal who really only wanted their healing for that day, with no interest in their eternity? How many people of the 5,000 ate that miraculous meal and weren't interested in the Bread of Heaven? How does it look for me as a missionary to continue to lovingly pursue people with the hope of the Gospel without slipping into enabling and even becoming a stumbling block to truly seeking God? How can I practically walk the tightrope of genuinely caring about people's needs and also calling them toward personal responsibility? How do I lead others to Jesus and not to myself? These are the kinds of questions that Raúl and I have to ask ourselves all the time. We may not consciously ask them on a daily basis, but on a daily basis, we are navigating the answers to those questions without having the answers just because we're thrust into circumstances that require a response.


All in all, the only real answer I have for myself is to be like Joseph--keeping my eyes on Jesus and being my true self. February hasn't looked much different than January--I'm still teaching classes and writing, our students are still studying, we're still having small group, and needs are constantly presenting themselves. But, in the secret place of my heart, there is no movement. There is no doing. There is no striving or convincing myself that I have the answers. I am just on my face before Him, still. I surrender. I don't have the answers. I can't make anyone grow. I am here, and I'm going to walk with You, and I'm going to lean into Your presence as I continue to just be myself, limitations and all. It is a sweet place to be even if the dream is never fulfilled.



Photo by rawpixel

In the mean time, your prayers are so invaluable. I have felt so incredibly blessed in my life with people who invest in me as a person even more so than they invest in what I do. There is a kiss of freedom to knowing that you're valued for who you are and not for your striving. And though we will do what God asks of us, we feel so loved and fortified by those of you who only ask that we keep close to our Father and His will. It is a delight to seek to always be good stewards of your prayers, your donations, your belief in us, and of the selves that God made us to be.

Get Up and Go

One of the things I've always liked about January is the sense of getting down to business. There is such a contrast between the extravagance and lounging of the Christmas season and the freshness and energy of January. I loved the time of year when classes would change because it meant new engagement for my mind, crisp white pages of new notebooks, and a new challenge ahead. January is still like that for me. I am always challenging myself, and just as a creature of habit, a lot of those new challenges start in January. But, aside from that, life in January here also just kind of demands a faster pace and navigating obligations and new experiences.

The Honduran school year starts in February for most high schools and in January for a lot of the colleges. So, this season is when you'll see school supplies front and center in every store and students clamoring around getting registered. Last year, we devised a new application process to treat our "educational help" as more of a scholarship, giving a bit more gravitas and ownership to our students as well as a bit more sense of responsibility. Perhaps, then, I shouldn't be surprised that we only had two applicants--two of whom we sponsored last year. There is still time, and we may have some last-minute stragglers seeking help. We'll see. So far. Brayan will continue to be sponsored in his music education. He's been a faithful student with excellent progress. And, we now have Estefanny not only registered but already in her second week of classes at a private university. Given the cost of private university, we're actually spending just as much if not more on our educational sponsorship than what we did last year. I am excited for Stef and am proud of how she is pursuing her goals.

In the mean time, another way that we are seeking to educationally aid our students from small group is by starting a new English class at level one. I'll be honest--I don't love teaching level one English. It's a speed bump for many interested in learning a new language. That initial introduction to something that feels so foreign really requires perseverance But once a student gets through my level one, usually they've found a good rhythm to continue learning. So far, our two sponsored students, Raúl, and five of our small group members are part of the class. They show a lot of promise.

So, that makes three English classes I am teaching--my level 5 class and I had to take a break when my transportation situation was iffy. Now, we're picking back up again. And, my level 2 class continues to do well.

January is also the season where we file reports for our non-profit with the Honduran government. It's not that extensive of a project, but it does require some time just compiling information and meeting with the accountant who will do our formal financial reports. We will celebrate our fifth anniversary as a non-profit this month! This is also the season when I start getting my US tax information compiled to work with the accountant in the US to get things filed and squared away. Like I said, this is a get-up-and-go season.

Amidst those tasks, I've also started a new personal goal for myself. I have joined Hope*Writers, an online community that provides support, education, and healthy encouragement toward writing endeavors. I have been blogging for a long time on this site as a place to update on missions in Honduras and just overall information about my life. Last year, I started a new blog because I wanted to transition myself into less newsletter-style writing and more lifestyle writing on a much more regular basis. So, the fruit of that goal was benchchats.blogspot.com if you've never visited there. And I try to write on that page on a weekly basis about much broader, more personal, and also some more lighthearted topics. Here, I continue to write on a monthly basis with general updates about life and ministry in Honduras.

I love to write. I wanted to be a writer from a very young age, and while the concept of publishing a book someday is both intriguing and scary overwhelming, I do want to steward this interest well within my current season. So, for right now, that looks like joining Hope*Writers, developing a more consistent writing habit, and educating myself on what a career as a writer is actually all about. So far, I'm enjoying the way that this is shaping my life and habits in some new ways.

As for our small group, after being socially saturated in December, it was clear to me that I needed to take a hiatus for a bit to take a step back, seek God, and catch my bearings as to whether or not we should continue in the same format or need to alter things to better go in the direction of God's leading. So, for the month of January, while we still see a lot of our small group members often, we aren't having small group. During this break, so far, I feel like God is giving me small clues as to what real community means and looks like and is fostered. My desire in starting a small group was to develop deep community--a place where we all can share and contribute and be vulnerable. We started out with people we were close enough to, that, I believe, that would have been possible. But things shifted. A lot of those people stopped coming because of personal situations, and a lot of new people we didn't know that well, especially teenagers, started coming. If nothing else, it has helped me to remember and acknowledge that what we set out to create wasn't created, but that something else entirely (and still good and important) has been created. I think we have set a positive framework of community, but this year, I'd like to still try to facilitate deeper relationship among our members. That is easier said than done in a country where people just generally don't trust each other emotionally. But, I am started to feel like the first step is in putting more of a focus on topics related to emotional and relational maturity, healing from old wounds, and how to be more of a genuine person with Jesus as our example. That's quite an endeavor, and it won't go anywhere without God's divine leading. So, we appreciate your prayers in that!

But, in terms of my own sense of community, I am happy that Ladies' Bible Study has started back up again, and I can once again see some brave, amazing, compassionate ladies on a regular basis.

This month, Raúl and I are also looking at plane tickets and starting to plan our trip to the States for the spring/summer. If you're interested in seeing us or visiting us while we're in, please let me know at sarah.crickenberger@gmail.com! We really want to make the most of our trip in prioritizing connecting with people.

My January is off to a good start even as I'm still leaving room in the margins to ponder where God is leading us, what ministry needs to look like for us, and how I can best serve Jesus here in Honduras. As always, we want to be open to your prayers, your words of encouragement, or even whatever it is from God that you may want to share with us.

Much love,
Sarah

"Abundance"

It's been two years since I've been in Honduras for the Christmas season, and there were a few things I'd forgotten about. I had forgotten just how crazy busy this time of year gets and just how much the needs around me heighten. I had forgotten that December is typically one of the financially tightest months of the whole year for Outreach missionaries. And I had forgotten how much I dislike buying Christmas gifts here. It's hard to adapt to the high prices and very limited selection when you've previously had all of Amazon at your fingertips. But in the midst of all that I had forgotten, I have remembered that while I may be missing my own family and culture, winter coziness and traditions, I have much more opportunities than I have at any other time of year to provide a sense of home and refuge and warmth and provision to others. The month is only half-way over, but the way that God has provided has been truly miraculous.

For those of you who haven't heard the news yet, Raúl did get his US visa. The day we went for his interview, we were both nervous and wound tight, but upon arriving, we felt covered in loving prayer. Every step of the process went smoothly and rapidly. We felt so blessed.

We are planning to make a trip to the US in the spring of next year, and because there are so many people I'd love for Raúl to get to meet, we want to make it a point to spend time with as many people who are interested and available as possible. If you would like to have us visit you in your home or come speak at your church or in your small group, we would love to hear about your lives and share what God is doing in and through ours as well. If anyone is interested in that, feel free to e-mail me at sarah.crickenberger@gmail.com or call my mama, so we can set up some details on a time frame.


A Small Group Update

As usual, Raúl and I have continued our small group on Saturday nights. We have started a new unit on evangelism and sharing our faith. For many months now, I had also been planning on having some fun events with our group apart from our discipleship time. Our small neighborhood is pretty safe, but it doesn't have a whole lot to do. It actually reminds me a lot of my own small town in West Virginia because the only place to congregate in the evenings is the local gas station. People who don't have a safe or enjoyable home life often seek out other places to hang out or people to spend time with...which can lead to falling into a crowd that will lead to destructive habits. So, I had hoped to host some game nights and movie nights and fun events. But, for months, we just had so few free nights, or we were so busy that adding one more thing seemed excessive. But, I finally decided that December was going to be the month to test it all out and see if it was something we could do on a regular basis. First, we hosted a movie night to watch The Greatest Showman. We bought microwave popcorn and collaborated to get some snacks together. I think Raúl expected only enough people to fit on one little futon couch. Much to his surprise, we had 14 people crammed into our little living room where we shuffled around furniture to get an arrangement where everyone could see. If you've seen our living room that is not a wide open space but is L-shaped, you'd know what a feat that was. The kids loved the movie and want us to have another movie night. Our movie night was topped by our game night. My family and I have played Speak Out when I'm in the States, and we've laughed till tears streamed down our faces. If you haven't heard of it, check it out. I had been eyeing the Spanish version of the game to play with our small group for a long time, but it just cost more than I was willing to spend. Finally, during Black Friday week, it went on sale, so I bought it. We had 19 people show up for game night. It was a little bit of chaos as everyone chowed down on Tex-Mex bean dip and huevos rancheros and subtly tried to put stickers on each other without the other person noticing. It is hard to coordinate games with a group of 19 people in such a small space because you really can't move around. But, everything fell into place when we started playing Speak Out. The groups were so competitive, and it was pretty hilarious to watch people drool all over themselves and not be able to say words with Ps or Bs in them. I think the kids would've been at our house all night playing, but it was a week night, and Raúl and I both eventually set an end time so as not to be exhausted. At the end of the night, everyone begged us to have another game night. The following week, we planned to take everyone to the local Christmas village with lots of lights and displays and food stands. As with most things in Honduras, I'm constantly facing a learning curve of things I should've anticipated but didn't. We figured we'd have enough space between two vehicles to be able to haul everyone from our small group. We'd asked people to give us a heads up beforehand if they were going, just to have a good handle on the transportation situation. Naturally, they all invited extra people and let us know about an hour before we were going to leave. We ended up having 27 people go and that was after 3 or so couldn't go at the last minute. Needless to say, this was exactly why Raúl and I wanted a more practical vehicle, and all I could think about the whole night was how God provided exactly what we needed and then some.

When Raúl and I started this group, our aim was really to provide a sense of real community, to teach topics that can often be overlooked or glossed over in regular church settings, and to start developing deeper relationships with the people around us. We really weren't looking to expand numerically, but we stumbled into a need, and we've been astounded at the abundance of people who have made their way up our dirt road hill to our house. When I mentally count how many people have come a few times, how many always come, and how many usually come, if all of those people were to come the same day, we'd be up to 30...and we wouldn't fit in our house any more. I went from cooking with a mindset of 15 maximum to much more. The recent increase could have to do with the holidays or the fact that the school year is over. And, it's always a given that the fun stuff will have more attendees than actual group, but we have had a larger than normal crowd at small group all this month as well. I have considered the idea of renting another, larger location in our neighborhood and using it as a community center--a place to have small group, fun events, possibly English classes, and to put in a small business to help keep it self-sustaining. That is a daunting idea, honestly, and I don't know if we're there yet. But, if we keep increasing as a group, that may be an idea that has to be put into practice. Regardless, all of this is a good challenge to have. What a privilege to have earned the trust of these young people! We plan to open our home on Christmas Eve as well for anyone who just needs somewhere positive to go, and we already have some takers planning on being with us.


"Abundance"
At the end of every year, I take some time to ask God to give me a word as an ongoing theme for the following year. Just one word. Nothing overwhelming. Something that can be carried out in numerous ways and hold many different lessons. It's a practice I picked up from the website Velvet Ashes. This year, the word was "alive." That word felt like the antithesis of my circumstances in some seasons, like a fighting word to push back the darkness. It also served as a challenge to my own character in other seasons. Starting in October, I began to ask God what my word for 2019 would be. For a while, I didn't get a clear answer. It wasn't until the Women of Purpose retreat for missionary ladies that God gave me a clear answer--the word "abundance." He let me know that in 2019, He would be challenging, healing, and processing my mentality toward the resources He's given me, the way that He feels about providing for me, and what are my burdens to carry and when it's appropriate to sit back and let my loving Father do what He does best. In the midst of impending situations with visions for the future or desires of my own heart where my finances taunt me with "how?", that word and the lessons that it will hold are something that I actually welcome.

As is usually the case when we receive a good word, the external circumstances I soon encountered did not reflect that word but rather the opposite. At the end of November, my financial situation was tight. I am adamant about being a good steward, and I do my best to budget in a way that honors the people who sacrifice to bless us and that keeps a balanced perspective of my purposes here as missionary, as a wife, and as a friend. I do my best to save when there is extra, and Raúl and I are both people who live within our means. But, given the nature of being a missionary, life isn't predictable and neither are my finances. December ended up being one of the tightest months I can ever remember having. Raúl and I weren't hurting to be able to eat or pay our bills, but in a month where need is at its greatest, expectations are soaring, and our community is waiting for us to lead, I kept running the numbers down to the last cent and wondering how we were going to provide anything for anyone. But, because I had clearly heard that word "abundance," when I normally would've been stressed and trying to figure out how to make everything work, I felt great peace. I pulled money from all of my safety nets, budgeted down to the last lempira, grocery shopped with a calculator in hand, raided our pantry, stayed at home to conserve gas, and then had to laugh when all of my painstaking allotments were thrown to the wind when faced with a single mother who really had no food to give her three children, a family going through the crisis of loss and no way to provide, and a student in danger of not being able to continue his studies because of a large debt owed to his educational institution. We do our best to let people carry their own life "knapsack" per the lessons gleaned from the book, Boundaries. We avoid fostering any sort of ongoing dependency on us. But, all of these situations weren't the daily knapsacks of rent or living within your means or working to have your daily bread. They were all situations that fell from the sky like boulders that were too heavy to shoulder alone. Twice this month Raúl and I received provision from unexpected places at unexpected times and breathed a sigh of relief, and twice, on the same day, we've looked at each other and laughed when we realized that that provision was never actually meant for us.

I don't share this testimony as a woe is me or as a cry for help by any means because this month has been miraculous. The amount in my bank account didn't increase for most of this month. It got down to the lowest it's been in a LONG time, but the mouths we have fed this month increased in unexpected, exponential ways that I never could have planned for. YET, there was ALWAYS ENOUGH and then some. Right now, as I write this, I have a turkey to feed 20 people for our small group get-together in my freezer. I have a cozy home decorated the most beautiful it's ever been for Christmas just from inventiveness without buying anything. And, I have the means to bless others. I don't know how. I can't take the credit. Raúl and I just keep saying yes, and as that word "abundance" hovers over my soul, I am looking for ways to be stretched in this area. It's been a hold-your-breath adventure this month, one where I look at the circumstances and the numbers and say, "Yep, no idea how that's going to work." And then it does with absolutely no debt. If this is a pre-cursor to what 2019 is going to be, I'm ready to buckle my seat belt and go along for the ride.

I don't know what your one word for 2019 may be, but the words I have for you at this end of 2018 are thank you. Thank you for your prayers. We saw the power of prayer this year. Thank you for your support. As you've believed in us, we've committed to carrying out our belief that God's blesses us in order to bless others. It's a responsibility and a privilege we don't take lightly. Thank you for reading these blogs. I can't tell you how it warms my heart to know that someone felt that my little life and rambling words were worth their time. We wish you a new year full of new adventures in Christ, full of healing and restoration, full of stretching and character development, full of wild testimonies and renewed faith. We love you, and Jesus loves you, and we continue to believe that in all things, He is worthy.

All of my love,
Sarah

A Month of Breakthroughs

Hello All,

November was a sigh of relief month in many ways. Also a time of reflection. And, a time of analyzing some new questions and possibilities. I think I exhaust myself more than anything else. But, all in all, in a month marked in the US culture by thanksgiving, we have much to be thankful for, and remembering that can often pull me out of my own preoccupations.

I took some time in late October to have a little personal retreat. I knew I would be going to a women's missionary retreat in November, and when I am around a lot of people I don't know, I get overstimulated and have a hard time really connecting with God on my own. That was still possible to a degree, but I was thankful for the time that I took in quieting and preparing my soul personally ahead of time. Life had just gotten really loud and busy. Some of that loudness was just my own thoughts. When God gives me a clear direction, I am steadfast and decided with no qualms. But, when I am left to my own devices about what I want or what I think I should do, indecisiveness and self-doubt plague me to an obnoxious level. During that personal retreat, I didn't really receive any of the answers I was seeking for decisions, but I did receive the presence of God and the reminder of my safety in Him. That is often more important anyway.

One of the questions I had was in regard to our vehicle situation. Since June, we had been praying for, waiting for, saving for, seeking out, and needing a different vehicle. We had been nonstop fixing the car we had, and it was becoming ridiculous just how often that car was in the shop. By the time we did sell it, it was functioning well, but the cycle we walked through to get there seemed unending. At the beginning of that personal retreat, I posted on a Facebook buy/sell group what exactly we were looking for in a vehicle. But, I forgot to include where we were located as the group has members from all over Honduras. As it turns out, God used my oversight in the best way. All of the responses I received weren't at all what we were looking for except for one--a 2004 Honda CRV in San Pedro Sula, a city several hours away, that had everything we'd been asking God for. Long story short, at the tail end of October, we bought it, easily sold the other car, and have felt thoroughly cared for by God throughout the whole thing. I can't tell you how much it blessed me to see God care about the details we had asked for when we were prepared to settle for anything close. It was such a testimony to God's faithfulness after months where it felt tempting to wonder if God was paying attention.

Just a week before my personal retreat, we received notice that Raúl's visa appointment had been scheduled. From what I've heard, most things shut down around December, so we were very blessed that Raúl's appointment was scheduled for November. This answer was a long time coming, and it was a relief to feel like I wasn't going to miss the holidays with my family in vain. Normally, when I go to the States for the holidays, I try to go right before my Dad's birthday, November 21. Because we didn't know when Raúl's appointment would be, I decided the best thing would be for me to not go to the States for the holidays this year, risking having to come back for Raúl's appointment and wasting the money on a ticket. And, lo and behold, Raúl's appointment is on my Dad's birthday, in less than a week. I am still pretty sad to miss Christmas with my family, but I am hopeful and encouraged that by spring, Raúl could be able to go with me to the States for my brother's graduation. We would appreciate your prayers for God's favor and open doors. We have done everything legally; we are armed with a binder full of paperwork; and obviously, we are a married couple who has gone from friendship to dating to marriage just like any other married couple. But, given the nature of what's at stake, how much we've spent, and just how challenging the process is in general, we are anxious to finish this process with a joyous outcome.

I want to take a moment to just share some facts about our process with you because I think a lot of times there is great ignorance about just how difficult and truly expensive the legal process is to be able to immigrate or even visit the US. When Raúl and I were still just friends, he tried to get his tourist visa to visit the US with me. He was denied. That time, they didn't really give him much of a reason. That application not including pictures and other paperwork was $160, and that is not refunded even if you get denied. Three years later, while we were dating, just before we got engaged, Raúl tried again. I didn't even want to try again, but he did. He was so much more confident that time because he had more than enough money in the bank, had property and real estate in his name, owned his own business, etc. Once again, they denied him, saying, "We don't give visas to people climbing the socioeconomic ladder." That was another $160 not including paperwork and photos. When we got engaged, we tossed around our options of getting married in the States with a K visa or getting married in Honduras and applying for US residency from Honduras. At the time of this decision, my grandfather was ill with lung cancer, and we had no idea how much longer he might live as he was told his cancer was treatable but not curable. We ultimately decided that economically and logistically it made more sense for us to get married in Honduras because if we went the K visa route, he might have had to wait over a year in the US for his green card. And, he would've had to wait months for a work permit, and he doesn't speak English. Just too many factors considering we had our entire lives built in Honduras. There were two major factors that spurred us to want to take action in his immigration process right after getting married (not everyone does): 1) The health of my grandfather because I wanted Raúl to be able to meet him and 2) The crazy expenses the whole process was going to require. I knew that if we waited until we had kids or on down the line, the expenses might have been too extreme for our finances, and at this time, Raúl had already been saving for a while. I spent days researching immigration lawyers, and we ultimately decided to go with an immigration lawyer instead of doing it all ourselves (read: me doing it by myself since Raúl does not do administrative things). I wouldn't say going with a lawyer was 100% necessary, but I am grateful we have done it that way because there were certain aspects I had questions on that I knew I wasn't going to be able to answer. And, one aspect of how fast the process goes is which center is processing your application, and I had no way of knowing which centers processed faster than others. Apart from this, we wanted to ensure our ongoing, reputable legality especially since we still hope to proceed to getting Raúl's citizenship on down the line.

We started the immigration process in August of last year. At this point, among lawyer fees, government application fees, and the medical exam, we are very close to $4000 spent if not more. Yesterday Raúl had his medical exam. You are only allowed to get your medical exam with doctors approved by the embassy. In Tegucigalpa, you can only have the medical exam done at one of, if not the most expensive hospital in the city. In Honduras, especially in impoverished families, keeping records of vaccines isn't the norm, so Raúl had no vaccination records. I could never find enough clear info to know what vaccines they would require. The lists seemed to contradict each other. And, I didn't know if they'd do blood work to determine what he'd already had or if they'd just give them to him anyway. It took 5 and half hours for about 10 minutes of examination, vaccines, and tests, and it cost $425. If he does receive his visa, there is a new, additional $220 fee that we'll have to pay before we can leave the country. It is an intense process requiring loads of paperwork and haggling with Honduran government offices. Each document often carries its own fee to obtain. My point is--the average Honduran or the most desperate Honduran who is living off of $4 or less a day could not ever afford to apply to enter the US as an immigrant legally even if they sold everything they own, and even if by some miracle they did come up with that kind of money, there is no guarantee they'll receive it. And, the most desperate Honduran who has had little to no formal education would have no idea how to navigate that legal process of paperwork without help. I am not telling you what conclusions you need to draw here as I think immigration is a vastly complicated issue, but I do think that if you are going to make the argument that the people in the caravans should enter the US legally, you should at least have all of the information about just how difficult and expensive that process is.

Next week, we'll go to the embassy and have his interview. I've heard mixed input as to whether they will allow me to accompany him or not. And, Raúl, who has now been rejected for a tourist visa twice (which is an entirely different kind of process) and who has invested so much into this process, is understandably nervous. We appreciate your prayers for us on November 21.

After this whirlwind of answered prayers, I went to a Women of Purpose retreat for missionary women. It was founded and has continued for various years through the dedicated work of some West Virginian women! I had no idea that the ladies behind the event were from West Virginia, but it so warms my heart to come across a West Virginian throughout various parts of the world. These ladies from Parkersburg and Ohio are doing good things. I have to say that while I don't know what the mission field is like in other countries, as I've entered the missionary community more in the last couple of years, I have been blessed by what missionaries to Honduras do well. They network and share tips and help through Facebook groups. They establish church congregations and Bible studies to keep their missionaries encouraged. And the Honduran Fellowship of Missionaries and Ministries seeks to unify ministries throughout the country and truly work together to bring the Kingdom of God to Honduras. I have been blessed to receive helpful information from other North American women married to Hondurans. I have been blessed to receive a heads up about medical brigades and resources that can serve the people we work with. And, above all else, I have felt much more a sense of belonging and a dissipation of loneliness through the women's Bible study I have been attending with women of all different kinds of ministries from all different denominations. (With that said, I know that on a microcosm level, once you get into the inner workings of some of this stuff, that there is mess and disagreements because we're humans, but if nothing else, I applaud the efforts to work toward unity.) It was a blessing to meet some other missionary ladies and get to spend some time with some of the sweet people I have met through serving at Missionary Kid camp and going to Bible study. And it was nice to spend some guided time with God and in worship in English. There were some specific things that God started talking to me about during that retreat, but I think I will share more about that at a later date.

In terms of a normal update, our small group continues to meet on Saturdays. We have been studying and praying for other countries and other missionaries, and I've been encouraged that our kids have been asking what the next country will be that we study. It's so important to me that our kids expand their world vision and that they develop a global idea of the Body of Christ. That, to me, helps prevent a victim mentality in a developing country and equips them to better carry out the Great Commission. And, I have to say that I've been impressed by some of the comments from some of our people that have shown that they are educating themselves about the needs of the rest of the world. This Saturday will be our last week talking about prophecy. It's been a very long study but a very good one. Most of our kids come from charismatic backgrounds where they've perhaps seen some of the prophetic, but they've also seen the prophetic be abused for man's own gain. I've enjoyed their questions and seeing them mature as they've learned that it's possible and important to grow in the gift of prophecy just as it is for any other gift. Last week, we talked about the importance of tracking prophetic words and building relationship with those who receive our words so as to know whether we heard correctly from God or not (and to humbly take responsibility when we've missed it). I think our next study is going to be about evangelism.

Our students are at the tail end of their school year, and we've been riding a bit of a roller coaster with some of them. In general, they've been doing well in their studies, but as is always the case with young people, there have been some situations to navigate that we need wisdom for. We also have been continuing to accept scholarship applications from the kids in our small group. It's not totally clear at this point who we will be supporting next year, but we will be narrowing that down because registration for the next school year starts in January. Right now, what I do know is that Estefanny would like to study in a private university. Given the tumultuous issues of the public university that can often cause great delays in finishing college studies on time, I can understand her heart's desire even as it challenges my faith with finances. I don't have any clear answers on that just yet, but I do feel a little bit like I'm in my dad's position and Stef is in mine from when I was her age. I was adamant in believing that God was going to provide for my college education, and while I think it was challenging for my dad having a bit more experience with real-life finances, he backed me up. And God came through in astounding ways. Is there really any reason why this situation should be any different?


As we prepare for Thanksgiving (it so feels like it just crept up on me), I just want to re-iterate how good God is. For the past three months, my ladies' Bible study has been studying suffering and God's goodness. Those themes were so timely for me in the midst of hard loss, inconveniences, and confusion. I know that worry is having faith in the wrong direction, and the only way for me to re-center my faith on my Maker is through remembering His goodness. That, for me, had to start not from the external inward but from making a point to spend time with God in the midst of frustrations, to be still and silent with Him instead of running around making lists and devising solutions, and to let myself receive His love when part of me only wanted His answers in my circumstances. I'm definitely still a work in progress. But, at least for this season, I had to place my thoughts, desires, and needs back into the hands of the Father trusting His goodness before I had any solutions or answers in my outward circumstances. The stillness and relief had to start in my own heart for me to appreciate when my circumstances did change. And, a key to maintaining that mindset of hope is thankfulness. If someone would have told me at the beginning of last year that I would pay for a wedding, have my family here, get seriously sick and be hospitalized, start Raúl's immigration process and then the following year continue Raúl's immigration process payments, return unexpectedly to the US for my grandfather's funeral, and buy a different vehicle, there is no way I could have wrapped my head around that. God's faithfulness in provision has been beyond belief. His presence and peace in the midst of sickness and loss have been what has held my family and I together. And His continued attention to the desires of my heart have drawn me out to security when I was teetering on the edge of bitterness. He is good, better than I give Him credit for sometimes, and He is always worthy of our gratitude.

Much love,
Sarah