A Beautiful Redemption and Small Beginnings






My beautiful family at Teen Challenge (minus John)



Hello All,


I have so much to share with you! I apologize in advance for the length of this post because SO MUCH has happened in such a short span of time. I had two weeks and around three days of rest after Josuan went to Teen Challenge before I was thrown back into full-time mom mode. During those two weeks, I was just seeking God as to what was supposed to be next. I didn’t really get too much of an answer other than to continue pressing forward on the path He has me, loving the family He’s given me, and keep believing that He’s doing a beautiful work. He, indeed, is! This year thus far has been one of the most difficult and yet adventurous years of my life. I have become such a stronger person, and my faith has grown in amazing ways. Becoming a mother has been the greatest gift I didn’t expect even though I legally can’t adopt any of my boys due to a law that you must be 15 years older than any child you’d want to adopt. I don’t know why God gave me the sons He gave me, but I look at His provision, the work He’s doing in each of their hearts, and the power of the love He’s placed in my heart that is spreading contagiously, and I know I was created—too young or not—for such a time, place, and family as this.


On May 23, I went to Teen Challenge to pick up Josuan because the rod that was placed in his leg at the end of February had migrated up his back, and it was a miracle that it didn’t re-break his leg, pierce any organs, or even break through his skin. It was visible under his skin, and when we went to the doctor, he was taking pictures to show other doctors since he’d never seen anything like it. When I arrived at Teen Challenge, he told me that he was sorry for his comments on Mother's Day that he wanted to escape, and he insisted that once he had recovered, that he had to return to Teen Challenge (I told him I wanted that in writing--ha ha). The day after Mother's Day, he had a dream (God speaks to him through dreams) of what would happen if he escaped and went back to the streets. In the dream, lots of terrible things happened to him and culminated in his being murdered. From that day on, his desires for his life have changed because he knows that God is rescuing him. God worked in his heart in a way that I never could have, and in this round two of parenting, it's been like parenting a different child as a result.

I spent Raúl’s 25th birthday (after making his cake and sending his presents with other people) in the hospital while Josuan was urgently operated on to remove the rod. Words cannot express how exhausting it is to be a single, adoptive mom in a hospital so difficult to enter and direct oneself correctly with so many male doctors out to snag the gringa’s phone number. But, that night, after not eating all day since my son couldn’t eat in preparation for surgery, Raúl brought me some visitors, food, and a piece of the birthday cake I’d made him, which was a much-needed break and encouragement.


Josuan helped me make Raúl's birthday cake. When I asked him if he wanted to lick the beaters, he said, "Why would I want to do that?" When I told him that I used to lick the beaters whenever I baked with my mom, he eagerly agreed. It's the little mom and son moments that bless my heart because it gives my little man the childhood he never had...

For whatever reason, the doctors kept my son in the hospital two additional days after his surgery—for three stitches. I was unbelievably exhausted after three days of little sleep and barely eating, and I spent the morning of my 24th birthday in the hospital waiting for Josuan to be discharged. Afterward, I took him to stay with Hermano Naty for the rest of the evening while I took a much-needed break with Raúl to celebrate my birthday. I was a mess. I was so ridiculously exhausted that as soon as I got in the car to go to Tatumbla with Raúl, all I wanted to do was cry. In Tatumbla, he had a cake and surprise birthday party waiting for me, but it was his bringing Hermana Sonia, his spiritual mom, to pray for me that filled me with the greatest joy. Her prayers over me were simple. There were no deep, prophetic words, but the compassion of those present gave me peace and enough strength to continue. I spent the rest of the afternoon getting to be a child—participating in the Honduran tradition of biting the cake and hitting a piñata with Raúl and our friends. Raúl’s presence in my life helps me have much-needed exits from serious, ultra-responsible mom mode, to be God’s little girl.


Biting the cake didn't turn out well for me. Ha ha.

They made Raúl bite the cake too since I wasn't at his birthday.



Cutting our birthday cake...

Not an Orphan


We were told that Josuan’s bone had healed sufficiently that he’d be able to do some physical therapy to walk on it without having another rod inside to support it. But, on the first night I brought him home, even walking with crutches, he was in excruciating pain and could feel the bone moving. It was terrible seeing my baby in so much pain and having to have Raúl and others carry him to the house for me. He just cried in my arms and told me that he was struggling with desperation for drugs because he knew with them, he wouldn’t have to feel so much pain. We prayed together, taking authority over the enemy, and he calmed. It is such a blessing to me that we have developed enough trust to share the fight against his addictions together.

God was so faithful that in the midst of my exhaustion, He already knew exactly what I needed as He sent my cousin, a recently graduated Registered Nurse and my best friend, to help me for a month. When we decided on her dates to come, none of this had happened, and we weren’t expecting it, but God obviously already knew. She has been such a tremendous help during such a stretching time. On June 6, they operated on Josuan again—this time putting a $525 rod and screws in his leg that will never be removed. Waiting for the operation, my son went on and on about how if it wasn’t for me, he would’ve been handicapped his entire life because the idea of anyone caring enough or even his very financially limited family being able to scrounge up $525 would have been unheard of. While I brush it off because I know that everything that I have belongs to God, and I’m only a means of distributing it, I do feel the weight of what he said. Handicapped the rest of his life from a broken leg…how difficult is it to stop for the one?

Before he went into his second operation, Josuan was looking very sad. I knew what was bothering him, so I kept him close so he’d know he wasn’t alone. When he finally came out of surgery, he looked up at me with big, teary eyes and held onto my arm like a toddler afraid of his mommy leaving. “When I went into surgery, the doctors asked me if I had any family. I already felt bad because I’d been thinking that no one in my family cares enough to be here, so I said no. Then they asked me who I came with, and I told them my mom. And they replied, ‘How are you going to say you have no family if you have a mother?’ And it’s true, Mami. I have you. You’re my family and Tío Naty and Raúl and Papi Alvin and my Tía Gabriela.” The logic of these doctors is beyond me because while they kept him for three days for three stitches, they discharged him the same night that they operated on him—with a new rod in his leg and seven stitches. They didn’t even prescribe him an antibiotic. So, we headed home. Gabrielle and I slept on a mattress beside his bed to monitor him throughout the night. Even with very little sleep in the previous days, I couldn’t sleep. So, I found myself laying my head on his arm as I prayed over him. He woke up and said, “What’s wrong, Mami?” I explained that I was praying for him, so he came close for a hug. As I held my son, he soon began to cry.



My baby boy and I. Words cannot express how much I love my son.

“All my life when I was little, I used to pray that God would send me a mom who would really love me. My grandmother loved me, but she didn’t really act like my mom. She only hugged me sometimes, and I used to be at the Mother’s Day celebrations at school and see all the other kids getting hugged by their proud moms, and I had no one. I so wanted to cry because I felt like an orphan, like no one loved me. But now I know that even though God may answer late, He always answers. He sent me you. I have a mami who loves me, who holds me when I’m sick, who tells me she loves me. I’m not an orphan any more. All of my life, people told me, ‘God is like your father.’ Well, how could I relate when my father abandoned me? All my life, people told me, ‘Well, God is like your mother.’ Well, why would I want to relate to God as a mom who gave me away? But, now I know that God loves me because He showed me through you. If I ever were to fall back into drugs and go back to the streets, I wouldn’t last even a day because I’d be missing so much love from you.”

Readers, there is no greater justification for doing what I am doing. It’s all worth it. After all of the exhaustion, sickness, stress, crying, and wondering if I was going to make it, it's all worth it. My son is quite simply not the same person he was when I met him. He has light in his eyes. He has plans for his future. He knows he's not an orphan. This round of parenting has been the greatest unexpected blessing because God has allowed me to see just what He’s doing through my little life to change the life of Josuan, and it brings me to my knees in humility and joy. I am one little person who is too young and too unexperienced and too hopeful, who God is using to turn this precious young man’s life from something so painful to something so beautiful.

He had a fever for the first few days and was in pain, but it wasn't even a week later that he was already walking around with only one crutch and soon with no crutches. He's still limping and has to do physical therapy exercises to fully rehabilitate, but he's definitely on the road to full healing. Thus, he was with me for the past month just until we could take his stitches out (which Gabrielle was so faithfully taking care of) and get the approval of the orthopedic surgeon for his return to Teen Challenge. He returned just this past Sunday after another month with me, and I miss him like crazy.



Adventures with God

The first Sunday that Josuan got out of the hospital after his third operation, we decided to forego the long day at Teen Challenge to go to a church nearby. We were already running late when Gabrielle and I arrived at my son’s room to pick him up. Like a typical teenage boy, he hadn’t gotten himself fully ready. I had left my car unlocked thinking I could run down to the room, get him, and hop back into the car, but in the five minutes I was away from my car, someone stole Gabrielle’s purse. My purse was underneath her purse, but it was untouched. In her purse were mainly things of personal value—a Bible, a journal, her driver’s license, etc. She didn’t have any more than $2 in cash. We let Raúl know, but there wasn’t much we could do. In my experience, any time anything has been stolen from me, I’ve never recovered it even if we’ve discovered who stole it. By this time, we were too late to go to the church we intended to go to. Thus, we decided to drive around the Kennedy to see if we heard any praise and worship to stop. Nothing. Finally, we called Naty who told us we should go to Pastora Mirna’s church. I had recently met her at a prayer meeting and had wanted to go to her church but didn’t know how to get there. Naty gave us directions, but we arrived there late as well. Naty promised us that we needed to go anyway because God surely had something good for us. I couldn’t help but feel the same way, so we entered. Anyone who knows me well knows I have my own general difficulties with church, but this was one of the most redeeming church experiences I’ve ever had. It had been so long since I felt so loved immediately upon entering a church service. Within five minutes of being there, Pastora Mirna approached my son and began to pray for him, breaking spirits of abandonment and death and prophesying that he’s called to be a missionary to other countries. It always blesses me to see someone minister to my son, but Gabrielle and I were also in for a blessing. Pastora Mirna brought both of us forward and formed a circle of people around us to pray for us. Most of the words that I received were confirmations of things God had given me before and were words of waiting and developing perseverance, knowing that God is fighting for me and has already given me His approval. Gabrielle also received several words. More than anything, though, I was so blessed by the love radiating from that place. It is exceptionally difficult to be a single mom, and most people take my being a single mom to teenage boys as a joke. But, I can assure you that the discipline is real, the struggles are real, the exhaustion is real, and the love is more real than anything else. It was so nice to feel so much love and support in that church when I often feel alone or judged even by my own brothers and sisters in Christ. Before we left the church service, I received a call letting us know that Gabrielle’s purse was recovered. Raúl’s landlady had confronted the person they suspected, and he confessed as to where he hid it. The only thing missing was the $2. God just wanted to take us on an adventure because if we wouldn’t have been so late, we wouldn’t have gone to Pastora Mirna’s church.

 

Elvis, my son, lives in orphanage El Buen Pastor, but his father who cannot walk due to polio in his childhood, lives in extreme poverty.

Without Elvis, he has no one to bring him food or take care of him, but I want Elvis to be able to be a child, learning to read and write in El Buen Pastor. Thus, I want to help his father.
“And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” – Isaiah 58:10

I visited my sons, Elvis and Jorge, in El Buen Pastor once again this month, and I’m working with the social worker to find a way to help Elvis’ father. From a very young age, Elvis was the sole breadwinner and caretaker of his family—his handicapped father (due to polio in childhood) and mentally handicapped mother and sister. He is only 14 now, so you can imagine how young he was when he began selling firewood to provide for his family. He is only now learning to read and write. Since Elvis was taken by IHNFA, his father has had no one to care for him as the sister got married and his mother lives on the streets due to her mental illness. Elvis likes being in El Buen Pastor, but he often struggles with the burden of his father. He feels guilty for not being there for him. Thus, the social worker is doing her best to investigate the situation so that we can find a way to take this burden off of Elvis’ shoulders.

Currently, the father is living with Elvis’ uncle, but the uncle is fed up with having him there and often throws him into the streets. The father hasn’t bathed in nine months and often goes without eating. If we can find a way to buy or receive a piece of land from the pueblo’s mayor, it would be possible for me to help Elvis’ father build a house. I need more information before I can concretely say the best way to help in this situation, but I’m committed to finding a way because my son’s burdens are my burdens too.

Josuan and Marvin--my silly right-hand men

Women’s Conference and My Right-Hand Men


In the middle of June, Manos Extendidas hosted a women’s conference that Mami Nelly organized. It was awesome to say the least. There is truly so much I could say about the experience, but what stuck out to me the most was just the steadiness of God to work on our behalf. Many times in this year thus far, I have felt like I couldn’t continue, like I was thrust into waters that towered over my head with no solution, but I am beginning to see the light at the surface. I am beginning to see the ways that God has fought for me all along, and all I can do is marvel. My role at the conference (while I was recovering from a bout of bronchitis/laryngitis) was translating. I didn’t have anyone else to take care of Josuan, so he came along with Gabrielle and me. On the second day, a leader from Teen Challenge called me because my other son, Marvin, had become seriously ill. He hadn’t been able to eat for several days and was continuously vomiting. I immediately went into mom mode, telling the leader that I’d pick him up, take him to the hospital, etc. But, the truth was that I had a job to complete, and Mami Nelly had planned on my translating the next session. So, Naty helped me by picking up Marvin and taking him to a clinic. He had a nasty stomach infection and was put on some strong antibiotics. After two injections, however, he was already improving. It was so difficult to let someone else take care of my baby because I so wanted to be there. The women at the conference (with a theme of living in the supernatural power of God) gave me a hard time about wanting to leave, telling me to trust God to heal him. But, the truth is that I rarely worry about physical recovery. Even after three operations and all of the complications with the rod in his leg, I’ve never once thought that there would even be a possibility that Josuan wouldn’t eventually heal enough to play soccer again. I am geared so much more towards ministering to people’s emotional pain that my thought with Marvin was that I didn’t want him to feel alone, didn’t want to miss an opportunity to show him how much I love him. But, God felt the pain of my mother’s heart, and because Naty already had a job he needed to do at the conference, he just brought Marvin to me. Thus, I had two of my boys—the ones who have accepted me as their mom the most—with me.




Mi chaparro, Marvin

In the hours that I was waiting to hear how Marvin was doing, I was struggling with what I’ve struggled with so many times in this process of becoming a mother—condemnation. I get so much criticism for being so young and for having teenage sons of all things, and while everyone has a comment, few have the will to help. But, while I cried out to God, so fearful of failing Him or disobeying, He sent some lovely ladies to talk to me and pray for me. He also told me after my conversation with them, “Don’t you know, little one? I chose you. Can’t you see how I’m moving the mountains for you? I will set a banquet before you in the presence of your enemies.” And He is beginning to do just that.

Words cannot express the joy that overflowed in my heart when I had Marvin and Josuan on either side of me, both recovering from physical ailments, yet so full of hope. My joy could not be contained as I watched them both worshiping God so earnestly because I can see just how far God has brought my sons and what He has given me in them, and I feel so unworthy. I don’t know what God is going to do with my future or their futures, but I want them with me. When I pray about my future, I see them with me—going to places I can’t go, touching lives I couldn’t have touched, and bringing me more children to adopt and love back to life. And, what blesses me even more is that they want to be with me; they want to share in the same vision and heart of adoption because they get it—they’re not orphans. And they want others to know the same truth.



While they are my right-hand men, they are also currently ridiculously jealous of each other and constantly competing for my attention. So, I like this picture because I'm claiming it for the future when God heals their hearts.

The Keys to Jesús’ Heart


Jesús


I’ve been praying for months now that God would give me the keys to Jesús’ heart. His leaders have had problems with his back-talking and disrespect, and I could tell that he’s been keeping me at an arm’s length. He tried to escape from Teen Challenge, but due to his physical limitations from his 10 gunshot wounds and seven stab wounds, some leaders caught up to him quickly. All he has talked about in most of our visits is his desire to go back to his hometown to see his “sponsor,” his only father figure since his parents died (at least in most of the versions of the story I’ve heard). But, he can’t return to his home town because he’ll be murdered. To be honest with you, I have a difficult time getting a grasp on how to love Jesús. His story constantly changes in terms of who he was, how he grew up, etc. My desire is never to love someone based on their story; however, it can be helpful to know someone’s story to know how to love them. Jesús, however, is my wildcard son. During this month, he also had his first leave for a weekend with me. I was nervous to say the least because I’m boring, and nothing stresses me out more than having to entertain someone. Josuan has been with me long enough that he feels like family, and I don’t feel compelled to entertain him. If anything, I feel totally at home with him. It is not that way with Jesús yet. He also hadn’t been outside of a center for at least eight months, so I wanted to make it at least a little special for him. So, Raúl and I took Gabrielle, Josuan, Jesús, and Jesús’ Teen Challenge shadow, Uriel, out to the movies. Josuan and Jesús fell asleep, and in the middle of the movie, Jesús wanted to leave. I had no concept of what Jesús likes or what he wanted to do or eat or whatever. (It’s really difficult to be an adoptive mom sometimes.) In the middle of the weekend, he told Josuan that he wanted to go back to Teen Challenge early. By Saturday night, I felt like the biggest failure as a mom with Jesús, but I determined that I wanted him to leave filled with hope. So, I took all of my boys to see Hermana Sonia, Raúl’s spiritual mom. (I love that I can always show up at her house and can count on the fact that she will always have something to teach or a sensitivity to the Spirit to give a word to any stranger.)



 

 She taught my boys about guarding God’s word and having perseverance, and just listening to the Holy Spirit, directly called out several of Josuan’s current struggles. She gave me a word and prayed for each one of us. It was special to say the least, watching as she prayed the longest for my Jesús, moving according to the leading of the Holy Spirit to touch on all of his hurts and bondages. I don’t know what God did in that moment, and to be honest, Jesús, due to his own mental/developmental difficulties, couldn’t really explain either, but something changed. I was also quite blessed by how much God touched Uriel through Hermana Sonia’s prayers because thinking of how patient he’d been the whole weekend in tagging along with my crazy sons, I had prayed that God would give this young man something special, and He did. When we were finished, God gave us an encore because Hermana Sonia told us she had to leave her house to go pray for a young man headed for a drug rehabilitation center. As we talked about the center, we realized that the young man was headed for Teen Challenge. There was no way it was a coincidence that God had brought us there, so upon her invitation, we accompanied her to talk to the young man (a former classmate of Raúl’s). I beamed with pride as Uriel, Jesús, and Josuan took turns giving him scriptures and testimonies and hope for his life with Jesus and his future in Teen Challenge. The young man listened intently, and I began to see something so special in Jesús as he felt like something bigger than himself, with a purpose to impact someone else’s life. When we got back in the car to leave, I had peace. Jesús belongs to God. I may not know what I’m doing and may feel like failure, but God knows what each one of my sons needs.


 This past week at Teen Challenge, Jesús shocked me. After months of talking about returning to his hometown and only seeing his future there, his first question was, “Where’s Raúl?” When I told him where he was, he said, “When I get out of Teen Challenge, I want to live up there with Raúl and work at his tire shop to help you pay for stuff.” (He’s not the only one of my sons with that same thought process.) He also opened up about some struggles he’s having, and watching him dancing before the Lord during praise and worship made it ever clearer—Jesús is very special to God. God loves Jesús so much that He saved him from 10 gunshots and seven knife stabs. He knows what He’s doing with Jesús’ future. 




Erick, John, Gabrielle, and Jesús

La Tía and Her Nephews

It was such a joy to have Gabrielle here to be an aunt to my sons. I often tell my sons about their grandparents (my parents) in the States, but having someone from my family here to show them love solidified the truth that even though my family may be far away that they do care about my sons. It was such a burden lifted for me to have another person to give them attention as it is so hard for me divide my time and attention among five of them at the same time. And, my boys genuinely love her as well, especially Marvin and Josuan—her patients. (It was crazy to see how my little Marvin clung to me in fear like a toddler when she had to give him his antibiotic shots. This is the child who has three tattoos and “fearlessly” robbed entire buses. He was a complete child, terrified of needles and telling me, “Mami, please, no! No shots, please?”) It was also a blessing to see how God was able to work through my abnormal, somewhat dysfunctional family to show Gabrielle love and make her feel like part of a family. I am so blessed by Gabrielle’s ability to love my sons like her own nephews and make them feel like they will always be family to her. It is not any person that chooses to catch our adoption drift, and I will miss her so much as she has been like a second parent or at least a support system for this very stretched single mom. We all hope that she will come back to see us soon.

Gabrielle and Marvin

Erick and Gab

Gab and Jesús



Sobrino Josuan and his Tía Gabriela

John and Gab


The Beginning of Home and Family
My little family is definitely unique and is constantly God’s work in process, but I’m excited to see what He’s doing even as we struggle. With having Josuan living in the apartment adjacent to Raúl’s, I started thinking about where I was going to have Jesús every month that he has leave and where I would put Marvin or whoever else if they wanted to stay. The more I prayed about it, the more I felt like I needed to start renting the apartment permanently. There was only one problem—it was already set to have renters to move in the same day that I felt like God was impressing upon me that I needed to rent it. So, I told God, “OK, as a form of confirmation, if I’m really supposed to make a commitment to rent this apartment, please open the door.” That same day, I found out that the renters were no longer interested. Thus, while it is not conventional and is not the ideal for forever, I have my first step to a boys’ home. Sometimes, you just have to be faithful with the small things. Josuan has stayed there all this time. Marvin stayed there when sick. And Jesús and his shadow stayed there during his leave. I’m in the process of getting beds and other items to make an empty room a home, and, Raúl and I have agreed to set up a shared kitchen between us and the two apartments. It reassures me greatly that he lives on the other side of the wall and has been so open to being a part of my boys’ lives. (Raúl also recently went to the streets with Naty, Gabrielle, and I to hand out food, and it seems like he wants to get more involved. While it may seem small, his coming to be a part of street ministry was huge.)



Erick and his mom



John and Erick





My boys and I (minus John)



Meanwhile, Marvin will finish his year in Teen Challenge in August. He is interested in living in the apartment and working with me, but I want to be very clear about what God’s will is before I set up anything permanent. He will need to study as he stopped at fourth grade, and I don’t want to accept him long-term until I have taken a month-long break in the States at some point this year. So, the apartment may end up being his home, and I may end up homeschooling him. But, we’ll see what God has in store. John is in need of prayer. He’s been struggling for several months. Because of his background, it’s difficult for him to trust God and let Him in; thus, he’s rather stuck in his spiritual growth and often talks about escaping Teen Challenge. But, I know by faith that God has him there for a reason. God hasn’t given up on John, so I’m not either. Erick is doing fairly well, and his mom comes to visit him often. He will be in Teen Challenge for two years given his court mandate. Jesús now has five months of being in Teen Challenge, and I’m told that his behavior is improving which makes this mother proud. Josuan, who just returned on Sunday, was devastated to find that the time spent with me did not count towards his year in Teen Challenge. Thus, I’m not even sure if he’ll have visitation rights when I go back this Sunday. That is very hard for us as we’ve grown quite close as mother and son.


A Beautiful Redemption

It’s difficult for me to even put into words what God has done through my relationship with my son, Josuan. While I can’t betray confidences with him, I can tell you that he has developed enough trust with me to share some of his most painful experiences—experiences that, oddly enough, I understand. And, because they are experiences I understand, he’s also asked me lots of questions about my own experiences which has brought much to the surface of my own life and past in terms of things that needed to be healed. While I am finding that there is no greater pain than knowing what my baby went through before I was a part of his life and wishing I could have been there to rescue him sooner, there is also such a humbling beauty in knowing the power of God’s redemption—that He allowed me to rescue my son from many of the same dark, painful experiences that I went through myself. It brings me both to tears of pain and tears of joy. I feel so humbled because I can't imagine why God picked me.

In his last week with me, Josuan cried every day multiple times a day because he didn’t want to leave me. He likes Teen Challenge, but he didn’t want to let me go. It was very difficult to send him back to Teen Challenge because I know that, in me, he finally has what he’s always wanted in life—a mother and a sense of family. I didn’t want him to feel abandoned, but I also know that my son belongs to God first and me second. Thus, even though we both cried the whole way to Teen Challenge on Sunday, I knew I had to be obedient to put my baby in God’s hands, especially since that’s where he’s been all along. “Mami, why do I love you so much? Did God put this love in my heart? I love you even more now after this month with you than I did the first time I went to Teen Challenge.” And, I don’t have an answer for him because I can’t explain the depth, width, and lengths of this love that God has placed in my own heart for my precious child to whom I did not give birth. All I can say is that my life is far more beautiful than I ever could have imagined simply because God granted me the desire to obey Him in stopping for the one. I stopped for one, and four months later, I have a son with a leg on the road to healing, and I have a healing heart so full of love I feel as if I’ll burst. And this is only a small beginning.



 All my love,
Sarah



The Freedom to Fail

Hello All,

I’ve needed to update for a while, but to be honest, I’ve been avoiding. I’ve still been recovering from the exhaustion of the past few months, and empty nesting is hard. But, so many of you have been so compassionate in sending e-mails or just keeping up with reading that I wanted to maintain an open though broken heart with those of you who have been so supportive.


The Freedom to Fail

Josuan left for Teen Challenge on May 6, and it was God’s perfect timing. In the ten unexpected weeks he was with me, I put myself under so much pressure to be a good mom. I was so afraid to fail. I was afraid that he’d get mixed up with girls, consume drugs, or escape under my watch. God was faithful, however, to give me wisdom. Mami Nelly has a sixth “mom” sense when it comes to her kids—biological or adopted. She always knows when something is wrong, when we’re hiding something, or when God is dealing with us. In becoming a mom myself, I prayed that God would give me that same sixth “mom” sense, and He did! Although I didn’t have a lifetime to get to know Josuan as my son, in the time he was with me and continues to be part of my life and family, I have gotten to know him very well—his manipulative tricks, what his joking comments say about what really exists in his heart, his desperate need for attention, etc. God was so faithful to protect me from making poor decisions and was faithful to show me things that were going on without my knowledge. On the night before his leaving, he and I had a very honest conversation where he shared some past bad experiences, admitted some secrets he’d been hiding, and explained to me what made the time with me any different from his time with anyone else who had tried to get him off the streets.

In his final weeks with me, I was absolutely exhausted, but more so, I had an unrest in my spirit that I could not explain. It went beyond just the normal dealing with his occasional bad attitudes, typical teenage complaining, and having enough endurance to be with this teenager who (unlike normal teenagers) is stuck to me, his mom, like glue. There were some mornings where I woke up and thought, “What am I doing? I can’t do this anymore. God, please, give me the strength.” And He always did. This unrest, I later realized was a spiritual fight for my son. I’m always praying for my boys, but this was an urgency I couldn’t shake. One day in his last couple of weeks with me, I arrived at his room and found that his eyes were watery, and for being a child who drives me crazy with nagging, he was much more calm than normal. I knew—I immediately felt without having concrete evidence—that he had smoked pot before my arriving. So, I started asking questions. “What’s wrong with you? Mom, you’re always thinking badly and making bad assumptions. I’m just sleepy.” “Don’t feed me that! You had plenty of time to sleep all night and this morning. You’re not sleepy.” I searched his stuff. But, I had nothing concrete, so I had to put it in God’s hands, trusting He would show me the truth.

That weekend, Marvin and John were on leave from Teen Challenge, so I went to pick them up. I took John to his home, and Marvin spent most of the weekend with me although he slept at his parents’ house. I took Marvin out driving (I have opened Pandora’s box with the driving lessons!), and Josuan, who has major jealousy issues, had the worst attitude all day. Because I was sick of it, I took him home first before taking Marvin home. I understand why Josuan struggles with sibling rivalry and why he’s told me numerous times that he wants to be my only son. He has always struggled with the question of “Why me?” All of his other siblings have lived with his mom their entire lives. He’s the only one she didn’t seem to mind giving away, and he’s always felt like a burden to his grandmother who was also raising his older cousin. So, naturally, he wants to be my only son. He wants all of my love and attention. So, you can imagine my difficulty that weekend listening to Marvin tell me his amazing testimony while still trying to reassure Josuan that I hadn’t forgotten him. That resulted in my 16-year-old clinging to my arm like a 5-year-old for hours in the doctor’s office waiting room for his physical therapy appointment. He might as well have looked at Marvin and said that usual toddler phrase, “Mine!”

When I dropped Josuan off at his room, I took a few minutes to address his behavior. He denied having a bad attitude, but in the middle of the conversation, I saw him slyly motioning to a neighbor who is a known pot smoker. That did it. Once again, I knew what was going on. So, I gave him another opportunity to confess. He denied it, so I reassured him, “If you are lying to me, I will find out. It may not be today, but God will show me if you are lying to me. This is your chance to be honest.” Denial. After I took Marvin home, I was in my car just overburdened, crying and telling God, “I can’t do this anymore! I’m so exhausted. You have to take control of this situation because I don’t have anything left.” I called Raúl crying to ask him to find out if anyone had seen my kid smoking and asked him, “What am I going to do if he’s smoking pot at your house? What am I going to do if they won’t take him in Teen Challenge? I’m not going to have him in your house smoking pot disrespectfully while you’re letting him live there, and I’m paying for his food and medical expenses!” And Raúl was at just as much of a loss as I was, “I don’t know, Sarah. It’s your decision.” I felt so hopeless inside.

The following day, we went to Teen Challenge, and during the church service, the pastor was talking about faith. As they began to minister to people and telling us to begin to take hold of the faith to believe for our needs, I began to think of having a house for my sons within the year they’re supposed to leave and having a father to give them. Pretty soon, God’s presence was so strong on me that I could no longer stand or stop crying, and I heard God say, “Keep pressing forward to touch Jesus. You’re going to receive your victory. Keep enduring. Keep pressing forward.” He took away all of my hopelessness and gave me an unspeakable peace. After the service, the pastor told us they’d accept Josuan the following day.

It was that night that Josuan told me that he had one more thing he wanted to admit to me but wanted to wait until the morning he left. I immediately knew it had to do with smoking pot, so I pressed him to tell me that night. At God’s prompting, I asked him again if he had consumed drugs in the time that I’d been with him, and I had to laugh when he responded with a frightened, “Mom! Did God just show you something?!” He had smoked pot three times in the two final weeks he was with me. The time that I caught him was the last of what he bought with 10 lempiras ($0.50!). He also admitted to me that he had packed his things to leave to return to the streets three times. But, every time that he had climbed (on crutches)to the top of the stairs to leave, he thought about losing me and heard God tell him, “Turn around and go home.” And, each time, he did. He asked for my forgiveness, and it was a good opportunity for me to teach him that my love for him doesn’t end if he relapses. He doesn’t stop being my son simply because he loses a battle with his drug addiction. But, the point of our family is to fight together, to hold each other accountable, to work through our problems together, but when he doesn’t admit to me that he’s struggling, he leaves me in the dark and relying on God to illuminate every little detail (which He does).

It was a precious conversation, and when I got into my car, I laughed and cried with joy to understand what God had just taught me. I had failed! Everything that I was afraid of happening on my watch (except his escaping) happened! But, God’s grace was sufficient to guard my son and protect him when I couldn’t (and even when I thought I was but wasn’t). I was so afraid of failing my son and failing God that I was under terrible stress, but God doesn’t demand perfection. He asks for obedience. And, I was further relieved to know that every little thing that I’d had a “feeling” about, that changed how I parented or made me more alert, did and were happening—things that various people told me, “Oh, it’s not a big deal. You’re just worrying too much.” Those feelings were signals from God, and I was right about every single one of them because He was the one showing me. I am not Super Mom, but I don’t have to be because if I’m faithful to obey God and listen to His still, small voice, He rescues me and works through me in spite of myself.

When Josuan left to go to Teen Challenge, he was clinging to me and trying to hold back tears, and I waited to get into my car before losing it. I was (and am) so grateful that God granted me such a beautiful, difficult experience. All I could do amidst tears was tell God how grateful I was that He picked me. And, I was so overwhelmed and humbled to know what I would have missed if I would’ve said no to God. I defied everyone’s advice in bringing him to live with Raúl and be my sole responsibility which was very difficult for me not just in exhaustion but because I’m usually such a submissive person. But, when God speaks, I have to obey because I don’t want to miss anything He has for me. It was also very humbling and eye-opening to know based on the bad experiences that Josuan shared with me his last night what would have happened if God wouldn’t have sent me to rescue him. It was an absolute miracle that Josuan made it to Teen Challenge without running away, and I feel so privileged to have been a small part of it.



Josuan and Jesús--just like real brothers, they fight, tattle on one another, and defend each other

Empty Nesting and Going to Teen Challenge

 Empty nesting has been difficult. I went from seeing my child (who wears me out and drives me crazy) who I adore, every day for ten weeks to seeing him once a week. I went from having someone to give all of my time and energy and attention to, to having way too much time on my hands and grappling with the extreme exhaustion accumulated. Actually, I didn’t go to Teen Challenge today because, to be honest, God gave me permission to take a break.

Last week was so special as I was able to spend my first Mother’s Day as a mom with my sons. I was so blessed by their gifts and their public declarations of their love and thankfulness. I was especially blessed to see Josuan, who is usually fairly timid in a crowd, be handed a microphone after only six days of being in Teen Challenge and telling the entire congregation with tears streaming down his face that I’m the mom he never had. Honestly, I don’t even know how to respond to that because I’m nobody!

While the full-time mom duty is over for now, being a mom in general is not. Going to Teen Challenge is always a challenge. I love seeing my sons, but it is SO DIFFICULT to balance giving time and attention to all of them at once, especially when there is so much sibling rivalry and tattling. I also struggle with feeling like my kids are getting special treatment, and I don’t want that to be the case. I want my kids to learn how to serve and be humble. I want to point my kids to Jesus’ love, not my own. Last week, Jesús’ leader came to me and asked me to talk to him because they have such terrible problems with his back-talking. Because I am his mom, the one responsible for him, I did take the responsibility to talk to him, but I highly doubt that it did any good. Jesús may call me “Mom,” but he sees me as just a nice lady who is doing him a favor. He does not believe that I love him as my own. Thus, my discipline doesn’t get through. He doesn’t open his heart to me to receive my love, so why would he receive my discipline?

Thus, my prayer is often that God would give me the keys to my sons’ hearts, to love them in a way that they can receive it. God is faithful, and at the right time, He does. Only just a month ago, God gave me the keys to Erick’s heart. I had met him in 21 right before he left for Teen Challenge, so I always included him in my visits by giving him food and saying hello. But, we had never really had the time to develop much trust. One Sunday, I noticed him crying in praise and worship and began to pray that God would show me how to love him because he seemed so lonely. Rapidly, God gave me a simple word to give him, and when the pastor said he wanted all of the families to get together, God told me to go hug my sons—including Erick. So, I hugged him tight and gave him the word, and he cried and clung to me. From that day since, I’ve been his second mom. When he introduced me to his real mom on Mother’s Day, she told me that she had heard so much about me, the second mom, and was so happy that he could depend on me when she wasn’t around. Talk about humbling… Erick is another one who, like Marvin and Josuan, is stuck to me like glue and would like to live with me when he leaves.



Erick and I

Right now, Marvin and Erick are the only stable ones. Erick is stable because he has to be. His only choice besides two years in Teen Challenge was to go to jail. Marvin is stable in not wanting to leave Teen Challenge because he’s going to complete his year in August and has some spiritual maturity. He accepted me as his mom before I ever gave him anything, but now, he is the one (other than possibly Josuan) who is the most adamant about being with me and working/serving with me once he leaves Teen Challenge. He keeps telling me that when I have my home for boys (I keep reminding them that there's no way I'm going to live as a single woman in a house with all of them) that he’s going to be my chauffeur (he backed us into a small tree the last time I was giving him a driving lesson…ha ha) and my cook. He wants to teach his younger brothers and sisters, and he keeps telling me, “Mom, you have to tell me your vision, so I can pray with you for your dreams! You can have a center bigger and more beautiful than Teen Challenge. You could have 19,000 kids!” I love my son’s faith especially as he was telling me while I was in the midst of caring for Josuan, and all I could think was, “Oh my gosh, 19,000? I can’t even handle one.”




My little Marvin and I

Every week, it’s a juggling act with Jesús, Josuan, and John. They all want to escape. Josuan told me this past Sunday, “Spiritually, I’m doing really well, but physically, I’m in a lot of pain. And if it wasn’t for having a broken leg, I would’ve already escaped from here, which I already know is why God hasn’t healed me.” I can’t help but be reminded of Jacob wrestling God or the angel and having his hip knocked out of joint, walking with a limp from then on. I don’t necessarily want my son to have a limp for his whole life, but I do know without a doubt that the state of his soul is way more important than how fast his leg is recuperating. Every week, after being sucked dry of energy by my sons, I return so exhausted from Teen Challenge, and often, I’m struggling not to get discouraged by all their talk of wanting to escape. And, even when I sleep, I can’t rest because I have constant dreams about my sons. They're my first thought when I wake up, my last thought before I go to sleep, and my constant prayer throughout the day. Honduras used to be my broken record topic when I was living in the States. Because it was my passion, if you spent any amount of time with me, it’s what you heard about. Now that I live here, my sons are what consume me.



John, Jesús, and I

Raúl has been the most helpful in giving me a rest from my introverted, constantly thinking self. He takes me out in the evenings sometimes, and when I can focus my attention on talking to and listening to him (even if we’re talking about my sons), I’m not lost in my own thoughts and worries. And, it’s so nice to be able to share burdens and advice with each other.

El Buen Pastor

I also had my second visit to see my sons, Elvis and Jorge, at El Buen Pastor. I still haven’t found anything out about Elvis’ home situation mainly because the social worker and I have had vehicle issues. But, the goal is for both of us to go and do an investigation trip to take some pictures and meet the family. It’s a process of developing trust with both of them as well. Elvis is much more open, eager to spend time with me and give me hugs, but he also has a sense of what it means to be a family. Jorge, on the other hand, never knew his parents and has no concept of family as he’s lived in an orphanage his entire life. Thus, he’s a lot more guarded, more difficult to win over, and doesn’t seem to know what to do with me. So, I visit to the point that they want and don’t push it. They missed their brother, Josuan, this time though.



Elvis and Jorge

There is a lot more I could mention about what I'm learning, what I'm struggling with, and what God is teaching me. But, it's late. So, for now, I'll leave you with this:

God's grace is enough. He is enough. I am never enough, but He is always enough. There is something very freeing about that.

All my love,
Sarah



Your Maker Is Your Husband

Hello All,

Today, I wanted to take a rare opportunity to be personal in a way that I usually avoid. In the past couple of weeks, a local church has been having 21 nights of worship, and my son and I have attended a few times. Each time that I attend, it’s resulted in receiving a vitally necessary message that keeps me going or that gives me a new sense of vision. The last time that I went, God cornered me right in my greatest spot of weakness. But, before I get to that, let me give you a review of the past week.


El Buen Pastor
My son and I headed to an orphanage around an hour outside of where I live called El Buen Pastor. I had been planning to go there since around November of last year when one of my sons, Elvis, left to live. But, I had no idea where it was, and it took the people at 21 months and months to get me a phone number. Another one of my sons, Jorge Torres, left in January to return to El Buen Pastor (as he has grown up there his whole life except for the months he spent in 21 due to bad behavior). Words cannot express my happiness at seeing my sons after so much time apart. They both came running to meet me, so excited, because neither of them had ever had visitors and spend every visitors’ day reminded of their lack of family (or their distance). Jorge, 13, never knew his parents as they both died when he was young. He does have two older sisters, but I don’t get the impression that he sees them often. Jorge is brilliant, positively brilliant, and has a very good heart. Elvis melts my heart. He has the greatest smile and most genuine laugh and such a willingness to serve. Elvis, 14, is just now learning to read and write because he grew up being the sole caretaker of his parents. His father is handicapped and can’t walk, and his mother has mental problems. He has an older sister who also has mental problems, and the story as I understand it is that Child Services went to confiscate the older sister’s baby when they also found Elvis. Elvis was selling firewood in order to bring his family food—and who knows how long that had been his life.

I talked with the psychologist, the social worker, and the director of El Buen Pastor, who were so supportive in letting me come visit since normally they only allow blood relatives, and they all expressed a concern about Elvis’ wanting to leave. He is worried about his family, which I completely understand. The social worker told me that she hopes to visit his home which is even farther away from my house than El Buen Pastor and that they had seen pictures of Elvis’ home in a dangerous area that is basically a shack made of tarps, scrap plastic, and scraps of wood and metal. I really want to help my son and his family. I really want him to be able to take advantage of the opportunity to study without having this pressure of his family’s well-being constantly weighing on his young shoulders. Knowing that we often have teams from the US, Canada, and Denmark who have an interest in building homes (and perhaps that would include some of you who are reading) here, I talked with the social worker who is going to work on getting me some more information. If there would be any possible way to build a simple house for Elvis’ family and find a way to get them a sustainable income or regular help, I want to find it. I am a firm believer that love looks like something, and in this case, I believe it’s undeniable that it looks like a home and an income. So, I’m in prayer that God would open those doors to help as possible.

It brought me so much joy to spend time with Elvis and Jorge (along with Josuan, who, of course, came along because he is stuck to me like glue). The boys were so proud to have visitors, someone on the outside who cares about them. When their friends were staring at the only gringa mom and came over to ask about me, both of my sons were shy. We’ve been apart for a while, and I’m still on trial with them in terms of whether or not I’m worthy of trusting as a mom. So, when their friends asked them who I was, Elvis got a big smile as did Jorge who shyly didn’t know how to answer. Finally, he quietly said, “A friend?” I smiled, and Josuan quickly jumped in, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that she’s your mom?” Josuan has had more time with me than any of his brothers; thus, it’s a lot easier for him to accept me as his mom. I laughed and explained, “As far as I’m concerned, they’re my sons.” Visitation days at El Buen Pastor are only once a month, but I plan to continue visiting every month.

The director and I talked about where the children go once they turn 18, and once again, I was presented with an obvious need. Elvis is counting down the years before he can leave to return to his family, but once Jorge is old enough to leave, where will he go? He doesn’t have parents, and I don’t get the idea that his older sisters are very stable. They still obviously have some time before they’ll leave, but my mother’s heart is already beating, “With me! With me! I want them to come home with me! They belong to me!” And then reality sets in, and I’m reminded that I don’t have a father for them or a house to take them to.



Josuan, Marvin, and I being silly at Teen Challenge

Take two--I had pictures of John and Jesús too, but they accidentally got erased.

Teen Challenge


The following day, I went to Teen Challenge with Hermano Nati, Oscar (one of Nati’s adopted sons who lives on the streets), Josuan, and Hermano Walter’s family. On the way to Teen Challenge, God surprised me by reminding me of something that got all of this started—a simple phrase that has turned my world upside down, “Don’t hold back.” You’ll soon understand why He told me that. It is always such a joy to see my sons. In fact, I think I forget when I’m away from them how much I love being with them. Sunday was such a big surprise as well. They have a very free worship service, and worship is where my heart convenes with God’s heart. And, as in any relationship, the interactions we have vary—sometimes, all I can do is cry while other times, I find that I can’t contain my joy with what my Daddy God is doing, so I have to dance. Going to Teen Challenge and seeing what God is doing in my sons fills me with such joy that even when I try to stifle myself, eventually, I just have to dance, especially as my son on crutches is jumping on one leg beside me. Much to my surprise, the pastor called me up front as an example to the rest of the family members of what worship can look like, and he gave me a rare opportunity to give a testimony. I barely kept back tears as I explained that I have never been a mother before, but when I was six-years-old, God told me that He had told my parents to name me Sarah because I’d be the mother of nations. I explained that while it seemed like coincidence, I ended up at 21 and met my destiny—my sons. And, when I see what God is doing in the lives of my sons, how can I do anything but be full of joy? Jesús and Marvin came to join me up front, and I encouraged the families to surrender it all to God—their worries, their fears, and their children. And, I told them that it’s really just as simple as stopping for the One—God, to listen and to obey—and stopping for the one person in front of them. And I beamed with great pride in saying that while I didn’t give birth to my sons, I do love them as my own. When I returned to my seat, Josuan was in tears, and when we talked later, he explained that something just touched his heart in hearing my words and made him cry tears of joy.

The pastor came up afterwards and told us that Josuan could come to stay the Sunday after his next orthopedic appointment which will be April 28. I only half-believe that, but we’ll pack his clothes and be ready anyway.

Jesús is doing well. He is such a character. Marvin informed me that Jesús has sold all of the clothes and shoes I sent for him in exchange for more food. I can’t even be mad about that. I just have to laugh. My child is such a trip. Sometimes, it’s a struggle to balance giving attention to all of them because Josuan has jealousy issues (he seems to think he should be an only child), Marvin is the class clown who likes being the center of attention, and John is usually very reserved and needs sought out which sometimes leaves Jesús as the child tugging on my shirt sleeve saying, “Mom, Mom, Mom! Look at this! Mom, look at me!” And then when I look, he has nothing to show me and just wants to bury his head in my shoulder. Ha ha. I love all of my boys so much. They are all so unique.

Marvin--Could my child be any more precious?

Marvin and I spent a lot of time together later that day, and I got an eye-opening conviction that I wasn’t prepared for. I love adoption, but I am very cautious to not take hold of the position of mom or as family if it’s not been given to me. When my child has family, I am cautious as to what depth I adopt my kids because I don’t want to make their families feel bad or create a sense of competing for the child’s love. That is not my heart. I see the whole purpose in my adoption as a way to break a cycle that exists so prevalently in this country. So many parents have grown up abandoned, as orphans, in extreme poverty, in abuse, in neglect, in indifference, or in various situations where they didn’t feel loved. How is a parent supposed to give a Love that he or she has never received? Thus, the cycle continues with their children. So, my heart and belief is that God is loaning me my sons so that He can love them back to life through me to send them back to their families to give the Love that their parents likely never received. That is how I believe that He is going to restore families. But, like I said, I’m cautious as to how deeply I adopt, so as not to take a position that isn’t mine. I didn’t get so deeply involved with Josuan until it was evident that his mom wanted nothing more to do with him. (But I believe God is going to restore that family in His time.) I, honestly, have been relatively hands-off with Marvin and John. I apparently met Marvin at 21 but didn’t remember him, and he didn’t really remember me. I re-met him the first time I went to see John, and from that first day, he was my son. But, because I knew he had family and John as well, I’ve never sent them anything or been responsible for their needs (in any capacity). I didn’t see myself as their sole support system, and thus, have held back so as not to step on their family’s toes. But Sunday changed that.

Marvin is a talker who likes to captivate my attention when I go. We spent a lot of time together walking and taking extra food I’d cooked around to the various tribes where the boys often don’t get visitors, just to spread some love. Marvin started by telling me that being up front with me and hearing me talk about how much I love him made him want to cry because it touched his heart. He said, “Explain something to me, Mom, because I don’t understand. Why is it that when you leave, I get sadder than when my family leaves? Why is it that when you don’t come to visit, I miss you more than when my family doesn’t visit? Why is it that I feel more love for you than I do for my own family? I love my family. Don’t get me wrong. But, it’s just not the same kind of love. It’s not as deep as the love I have for you. You’re more of my mom than my own mom.” I had no idea that this was so. And how crazy is that when the most I’ve ever done for Marvin is visit him, give him food when we visit, and love on him? I pray for and love him like he’s mine, but my outpouring of that love tangibly has been limited. I’ve been holding back. The same goes for John. Marvin and I talked about his mom’s own childhood and how it’s difficult for someone to give a Love he/she has never received. Marvin’s parents haven’t visited in close to four or five months.

The other eye-opener for me was John. The last time I went to visit, John was going strong and encouraging Josuan. This time, John was discouraged and ready to leave. I didn’t get too much time to talk to him because his girlfriend was there to visit, but even though he was verbally assuring me that everything was all right, I know my son better than that. He recently had his first visit outside of Teen Challenge. After so many months, they’re allowed to leave one weekend a month to visit family or whoever. His options of where to go given his past history are relatively limited, and this will be the case when he completes his time at Teen Challenge as well. (Once again, my mother’s heart wants him with me along with Jesús, Marvin, and Josuan.) Talking to Marvin and seeing John made it evident to me that my boys need more than what they’re getting—especially from me.


Take Charge of Your Family


All of this brings me to how God rocked my world just a few days ago. I went to Tsebaoth, the church here that is having 21 days of worship, prepared to hear from God. I was fervently praying for John because I don’t want to lose him. He is too valuable. He is too important. I don’t ever want to see him return to the life he had before. And, as I was praying for John and asking God what I should do, He made it clear that I need to stop holding back. “Take charge of your family, Sarah. If you don’t fight for your sons, who’s going to?” And as He said those words, He began to play images in my mind of the kinds of things I need to do—things that I’ve felt nudged to do by the Holy Spirit but haven’t because I haven’t felt capable. He started to make it clear that my greatest responsibility right now isn’t to a ministry; it’s to my family, unconventional though it may be. And, if that means I have to let go of “ministry” to take care of the family that He’s given me, then so be it. That was the first day of revelation this week which was following the next day by another, much grander revelation.



Your Maker Is Your Husband
 And this is where it gets really personal. The truth is that I’ve been holding back because there is a part of me that has been waiting for God to give me a head for my household because I didn’t want to be a single mom. I have never wanted to be a single mom, and I never thought God would ask me to do so, especially since children need both a mother and a father and because of the stigma attached to single motherhood. (You have no idea how much respect I have for single moms as a result of this short, short experience I have of being one!) After fielding my fair share of comments from Christians like, “The greatest decision of your life right now is who you’re going to marry,” I was afraid of what it would look like to other Christians to be the single, 23-year-old mom of teenage, drug addict boys. (I still stand by the truth that the greatest decision of my life at any given point in time has been and always will be whether or not I will obey Jesus no matter how large or small the request.) But, if God can ask Mary to get stuck in with the stigma of getting pregnant out of wedlock, so He could send Jesus, He can ask me to be a single mom to fulfill His perfect will too. He just doesn’t do things according to our societal expectations or to make us look good, righteous, and holy according to religious norms. He’s too creative for that. I’ve been holding back because I didn’t want to go ahead and accept the role as single mom. I didn’t want to accept the perpetual exhaustion, the constant lack of support from another parent, the questioning of whether or not I’m making the right parenting decisions, or the financial, emotional, and spiritual pressure and responsibility for these precious lives. I thought perhaps if I just held out a bit longer and kept begging God (as if He doesn’t already know), that He’d go ahead and give me the father for my children, and I wouldn’t have to take on a spiritual role that I don’t feel capable of.

None of this single motherhood is a surprise. When I was living in Mexico in 2010, God kept reiterating that I was going to be a mother to nations, but He also kept reiterating Isaiah 54:

“Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.”Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name…”

And Isaiah 49:

Lift up your eyes and look around; all your sons gather and come to you. As surely as I live, declares the Lord, you will wear them all as ornaments; you will put them on, like a bride. Though you were ruined and made desolate and your land laid waste, now you will be too small for your people . . . The children born during your bereavement will yet say in your hearing, ‘This place is too small for us; give us more space to live in.’ Then you will say in your heart, ‘Who bore me these? I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up? I was left all alone, but these—where have they come from?’

Don’t get me wrong—God has also made it clear that He does have a husband who has been set apart for me, in His time. But, even reading those verses as the blueprint for my future, I kept rationalizing that God wasn’t going to make me be a single mom. Clearly, He must have been speaking metaphorically or symbolically. Nope—the hour has arrived, and He is asking me to accept what He has made me for at this time, a single mom. I’ve always known that my nations of children are non-negotiable for any potential husband. At 23 (almost 24), I’ve never had a boyfriend largely in part due to the calling of God that He revealed in my life at an early age. Throughout my youth, there have been various guys who have passed through my life who didn’t have the same heart or calling, who didn’t necessarily treat me all that well, etc., who I could’ve convinced myself (and sometimes tried) were good enough for me, but the dream of my children and the loyalty to God’s call on my life never permitted me to settle…because they weren’t good enough to be the father of my nations of children (who, at this point, didn’t even exist in my world). But, there is a difference between motherhood and nations of children in theory and lots of adolescent sons in the flesh which cause those thoughts of, “Who on earth is going to want to be my husband if it means fathering adolescent drug addicts, orphans, gang members, thieves, the poorest of the poor, and the ones who no one else wants?” I know that this question is ultimately irrelevant because the husband God has for me, who I’ve waited so long for, will and does have the same call of God on his life. I’ve had my share of guys (before moving to Honduras and while living here) who have tried to tack themselves onto my dreams and my calling when it’s evident that they don’t have the same heart that I do. And, while I could go along with it for a while when my sons weren’t real, now that they are, I’m not willing to let anyone play with my sons’ hearts, which means being their dad isn’t a privilege just anyone can take hold of or joke about to try to stir up my feelings.

The truth of the matter is that one of the reasons I’ve been struggling so much with single motherhood, even just with all of this time with Josuan, is that I’ve taken it the wrong way. My big brother, Hermano Nati, has called me out on this before, especially on particular days where I was ready to throw in the towel by telling me something to the extent of, “Yes, Sarah, you have more time to wait before he can go to Teen Challenge. But it’s all in how you take it. All of this is in how you take it. You can take it as a blessing, a chance for God to teach you more, a preparation, or you can take it as a burden, an exhaustion, or as something that you’re just supposed to survive.” To be honest, there are days when I’m completely taking single motherhood as a punishment with thoughts that venture into, “God, after taking such good care to not be in relationships, to maintain purity, to wait for the husband You have for me, why on earth do I have to be a single mom? It doesn’t seem fair.” What a mindset, right? …as if I should somehow be earning the husband God has for me. Of course, it doesn’t work that way anymore than it works to earn God’s grace or love. The truth is that I’ve been so exhausted that I have been just surviving, not even really taking the time to learn everything God is teaching me because my mind, my emotions, and my body are just completely shot. This, however, isn’t inevitable. It comes from priorities. It comes from waiting for a man to be my husband or the father of my children instead of embracing Him as my husband and embracing myself as whom He has called me to be at this time.

The second night at Tsebaoth, I was once again turning over God’s words in my mind about taking control of my family, and He said gently, “Sarah, Your Maker is your Husband. If you will treat Me like your husband, the head of your household, and the Father of your children, you will have the strength to take control of your family, because it will be Me doing so through you.” And He began to show me ways that He had already been taking care of me like a husband—in His provision when I needed it most, in His protection when my son and I were robbed, and in giving me little gifts that I didn’t even notice because I was too tired to be looking.

“And, if I’m your husband, you can ask anything in My name, and I’ll give it to you.” That’s the first time I think I’ve ever felt the motive of that verse. I’ve always had a fear in asking God for things (not that it necessarily stopped me) because I didn’t understand why He would want to give it to me. But, oddly enough, in these days of great violence and drug massacres and hearing stories of my son’s old stomping grounds, I find myself asking God for territory—specifically drug and gang territory. I want those areas to spiritually belong to the Kingdom of God, and I want God to give them to me. I surprise myself even as the prayers escape my lips because who asks to go into the heart of the darkness? Who asks to be given drug addicts and murderers? Who asks for the area where Kevin, my little brother, was kidnapped? But, I’ve never wanted anything so much in my life . . . and mixed in with these prayers for territory, I began to understand what that verse means as I thought of the King and Esther. “Ask for anything, my love, and it will be yours…” Of course, it will be hers because he is in love. Of course, what I ask for in His name will be mine because He is my Husband. And, just like that, I understood what God was trying to give me—what had been lacking. You see, I want a radical love. I want to see people healed and raised from the dead—not to be a spiritual big shot but because Jesus said we’d do greater things than He did. I want those things to be outpourings of God’s love that bring people into a relationship with Him. But, in hearing testimonies from all over the world about the relationships that radical missionaries like Heidi Baker have with God, I knew that what was lacking for me was that level of intimacy with God.

I liked the idea, but the truth is that I had no idea how to relate to God as a husband. I can relate intimately with God as a Father, but the phases in my life where I’ve come close to relating to Him as a husband are very few and far between. (One would be during my road trip with Gabrielle in the summer of 2011, a time we happily call our honeymoon with God.) This is partially because my love languages (if you’ve ever read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, you’ll know what I’m talking about) are quality time and physical touch. The lack of God in the flesh is daunting sometimes, and what does it mean to take quality time with someone who you can’t see? (in a form that isn’t a devotional or some spiritual/Christian norm) I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m just saying I didn’t know how. So, I asked Him, “And just how do I treat You like my husband?” This isn’t really that difficult of a question for me especially since I’m well known for being Miss All or Nothing, and when I love someone, I give 110% even if I’m receiving absolutely nothing in return. This can mean making food, spending amounts of money I’d never spend on myself, dropping everything to do errands or favors I don’t have to do, writing letters of affirmation, being completely available to spend quality time the second the person shows any interest in spending any time with me, and giving hugs or just being physically close. I cannot hide when I love someone, and in general, I can’t do so half-heartedly. So, even though I am in this situation of single motherhood out of love first and foremost for Jesus, He doesn’t have my 110% if He doesn’t have my priority of time, closeness, and attention as much as a human being does. He’s not really my husband if I’ll drop everything for someone else before I’ll drop everything for Him. And this realization was greatly convicting, and in my weary heart, almost guilt-inducing (which, I know, is not from God).

So He showed me an image of us on a date. He told me, “Start like this—make a candlelit dinner. Let’s eat together. Let’s talk. Let’s dance. Just let Me hold you. Take the time to dress up, to feel pretty.” And, this idea is not only completely foreign to me because I’ve never dated, but it’s also completely foreign to me because the thought of doing all of this for a person who isn’t before me in the flesh would make it seem like I’m doing all of this for me. This thought is the thought that brought me to tears because it made me realize that what God was asking me to do was just as much or more for myself than it was for Him because I don’t do nice things for myself. In the year and seven months of living here, I can’t think of a single time when I’ve taken the time to make food that was especially enjoyable or that I even really like just for myself. Usually, I scavenge and am content with whatever I happen to find in Alvin’s house or in my own cupboards that is easy. I’ve taken tons of time to cook and bake for the girls at the Eagle’s Nest, Raúl, Raúl’s family, Alvin’s family, neighbor kids, my sons, etc., but I never ever take that time or spend that kind of money to make something just for myself. Never. To me, it’s not worth it. I’m not worth it.

As a missionary, there’s often that looming thought in the back of my mind that I’m financially here due to the generosity of other people. I don’t earn my living here. God sends it to me through other people. And for that reason, when it comes to my own personal spending, I’m extremely frugal and cautious. When it comes to spending money on anyone else, on the ministry, etc., I hold nothing back. But, I usually wait until I get some birthday or Christmas money or a donation specified only for me and not the ministry that I’ll actually spend money on myself—and it’s usually for a necessity like a pair of shoes. It’s not that I don’t have the money; it is simply that I feel guilty (not even necessarily due to other people; usually it’s due to my perception of God).

Guilt has been one of my biggest struggles throughout the majority of my life, but this has especially been the case with this adventure with my son. I feel guilty when I let his nagging make me frustrated. I feel guilty when I start to pull away because I’m so emotionally exhausted. I feel guilty when I’m not spending enough time with him. I constantly battle that question of, “Am I a good mom?” And, I don’t have a husband to affirm that for me or to encourage me, so that question is often unanswered. So, when God tells me to take the time to rest in His presence and spend time with Him like a husband to build our relationship (which I would completely do without guilt if I were married to a man), it’s like He’s giving me permission to rest, to take the time to listen to His affirmation, and to just let Him hold me. Ms. Carla, my children’s pastor when I was much younger and a family friend, told Gabrielle and I while we were road tripping that while she was a single mom, she used to go to places like parks and sit down to talk with God like her husband, putting her arm around air like He was physically there to be intimate with Him. I so admire the intimacy that Ms. Carla has with God, and more so, I can see how that intimacy with God deepens the love she has in her marriage. That image has stuck in my mind, and now, I understand why.

God told me when I was 19 that I would never truly be able to be intimate with someone else until I was fully intimate with Him. So, He’s been stripping away layers of old wounds, healing as He goes. He’s been taking years to draw me closer through difficult experiences. He’s been there while I’ve been emotionally beaten up by myself and others, and we’ve reached a level of intimacy as Father and daughter. And, I’ve kept asking, knowing that He’s not going to give me a husband until we’re intimate, “Are we there yet? Are we intimate yet?” Ha ha. I imagine that if I have to ask the question, the answer should be obvious.

The truth is that I’ve known that the love of God is extravagant, and I’ve been learning more and more how to love extravagantly, but seeing God through the lens of my own guilt or through a lens of unworthiness has kept me from accepting His extravagant love for myself. It’s the reason that I’ve come so close to settling. It’s the reason that I constantly fear failing Him. It’s the reason that I struggle with doubt when I come to Him asking for the very desires He’s placed in my heart. It’s the reason that I accept mistreatment and feel like it’s what God has for me to endure because it’s what I deserve. (I know, on the contrary, that the beauty in accepting mistreatment comes when one knows precisely that God’s love runs deeper than the mistreatment and that we accept it not because it’s what we think we deserve but because persecution for the Kingdom makes us blessed.) It’s the reason that I haven’t known how to delight in Him—because it means letting Him delight in me, which I haven’t felt like I deserve. And, I now know that God has permitted Josuan to be with me for so long to bring me to this breaking point because if my relationship with God doesn’t go deeper and more intimate, my life as a missionary, as a mom, and as a Christian will level off and never ever reach its full potential. I can accept my life as a single mom because He not only gave me permission, but He designed this phase within His perfect will to make us more intimate.

To close, I want to give you a glimpse into some verses that have rocked my view of the character of God. My son and I have been discussing tithe a lot in his time with me, and in our research, I came across Deuteronomy 14:22-26, a fairly standard passage on tithing but one that inescapably reveals God’s nature as an extravagant lover.

Be sure to set aside a tenth of all that your fields produce each year. Eat the tithe of your grain, new wine and oil, and the firstborn of your herds and flocks in the presence of the Lord your God at the place he will choose as a dwelling for his Name, so that you may learn to revere the Lord your God always. But if that place is too distant and you have been blessed by the Lord your God and cannot carry your tithe (because the place where the Lord will choose to put his Name is so far away), then exchange your tithe for silver, and take the silver with you and go to the place the Lord your God will choose. Use the silver to buy whatever you like: cattle, sheep, wine or other fermented drink, or anything you wish. Then you and your household shall eat there in the presence of the Lord your God and rejoice.

This is the God of the Old Testament! He does not change; He was an extravagant lover then and is one now. He told the people something that in the realm of frugality or work ethic makes no sense! I send 10% of all of the support that I receive to some other part of the body of Christ—this means that 10% of my support goes to support missionaries in places like China, Uganda, Mozambique, and India. But, I can’t imagine taking that 10% just for the sole purpose having a celebratory dinner for me and God. It would scare me to spend that kind of money (from the smallest amount to the greatest) on something that on the outside would look like it’s just for me. But that’s what He ordered! He told them to enjoy, celebrating in His presence, by eating 10% of their hard work for the entire year. He told them to buy whatever THEY wanted to eat and enjoy. And, just as He is doing for me, I believe that He did this just as much or more for His people than He did for Himself. He is ordering them to take the time and the money to enjoy their blessings so that they know that their lives aren’t about their work. Their lives are about His extravagant love. The other thing I notice that I feel like I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of is this: The way that God chooses to spread His Name, take His Kingdom territory, etc., is through obedience to go where He says and through showing His extravagant love. Can you imagine the places where God led His people to spread His Name? “What is this giant crowd of people doing here, eating and drinking and celebrating? Who are they? What are they celebrating?” “They came because they’re celebrating their God’s blessings. Their God told them to eat 10% of their harvest for the year to revere and rejoice in His presence.” What person isn’t going to want in on a God who gives you everything and then demands that you use 10% to enjoy yourself in His presence?

I want to be a good wife to God. I want to let Him love me. I want to be intimate with Him, to let Him saturate every aspect of me, even my most guilt-ridden corners with His extravagant love because I see clearly now that it is only through this extravagant love that He is going to spread His name through me. It is only through His extravagant love and our being in love that He’s going to give me Kingdom territory. It is only with Him as the head of my household, as the Father of my children, and as my husband that I can be a good mom, an effective and joyful missionary, and a radical lover of others.

Just let Him love you extravagantly . . . It will turn your world upside down in the best way possible.

All of my love,
Sarah