Family of Promise

The new home for the Honduran Crickenberger family

Hello All,

As I write this newest update (sorry for my absence in March), I am sitting on a newly purchased (used) couch in the new house that the Crickenberger family here in Honduras is renting. After a year of Josuan and I praying together that God would provide our family with the finances to be able to rent a house for the family and then provide the ideal house in terms of location and space, here we are so unbelievably blessed and grateful. God is so good to my family that sometimes I am overwhelmed because I don’t feel like I deserve it. Our house is located within walking distance of Alvin and Nelly—we’re still those neighbors who can borrow a cup of flour whenever need be—and it’s near the high school soccer field but secluded with plenty of land for a garden and a mountain overhead for my boys to explore. They couldn’t be happier. After seeing where my kids have grown up—sometimes without electricity in an adobe house with no furniture or in a house the size of my US family’s living room/kitchen with up to 9 people spread among two beds and a cot—it was so special seeing the looks on their faces entering our house and watching them eagerly go explore the property. It was such a God thing that we came upon this house. I had been praying for quite a while, and Alvin had just asked me how the house hunting was going. But, although Marvin and I had been out looking, we hadn’t found anything available or suitable. Finally, one morning, I got up and was praying and just asked, “God, how long until our house need is met?” Later that afternoon, Nelly called me and told me that a flier had been posted about a house close to hers. We called the owner, saw the house, and loved it. To my knowledge, we were the first and only to inquire, and they took the flier down the same day. I feel like the house was made especially for us because it was recently finished, and no one has ever lived in it before us. It has three bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen, living room, and dining room.




The view above our house



Marvin, my little king of the mountain

Being in the house this last month has greatly helped create a real sense of family among us. This past weekend, I had Marvin as usual, Josuan on special leave, and Bladimir on his normal leave. I can’t explain how special it was to have Josuan pass by my kitchen window as he walked home from the bus or wake up Marvin Saturday morning or see Josuan and Bladi off as they went to play basketball at the high school court nearby while I made breakfast. Honestly, for the first time in moving here and living with my kids, I have found a sense of family identical to what I have when I’m with my family in the States. I used to go with Raul to visit his family and watch them be silly and play, hug and bother each other affectionately, and while they accepted me as part of their family, since I wasn’t blood-related, I was never going to have the confidence to interact with them as one of their own. This phase of life and loneliness was a perfect preparation. During the time before having my kids, I used to dream that someone was hugging me because I didn’t get that need filled in reality. I didn’t receive a lot of attention or affection from anyone. The loneliness was oftentimes unbearable, and at times, I felt like I could drop off of the planet, and no one in Honduras would even notice. It was because of that painful phase that I am much more empathetic towards my own children now and incredibly defensive when someone complains that I treat my kids as if they were my own flesh and blood. I know what that loneliness and lack of family feels like. If I can be a solution to their need, their own lack of family, their own loneliness, their own need to belong, after only getting a taste of what that pain feels like, why wouldn’t I?




Josuan, at home in his new house


Being a single, 24-year-old gringa living alone with teenage, ex-drug addict, etc. boys has brought a new round of criticism. I get a lot of comments from brave souls about how my kids shouldn’t feel so at home in my house, shouldn’t sit on my bed, shouldn’t feel so comfortable seeking so much affection from me, etc. But, this isn’t an orphanage or a transition home. This isn’t a project. They aren’t a file or a case. They aren’t patients. They’re not students. They’re not orphans. This is my home, and they are my family. That means I love them just like my family loved me. Anything less would be disobedience to God for me because He told me from the beginning, “Don’t hold back.” Being part of my family means that they know they can receive a hug whenever they need it. It means I reserve the right as mom to review their cell phones at a moment’s notice whenever I so choose. It means we share toothpaste and shampoo. It means we watch movies together and go to concerts together. It means they will have consequences if they backtalk me. It means we sing together in silly voices. It means we’ll share the duties of cooking and cleaning, and they will clean their room. It means they teach me how to make Honduran food and how to clean the pila, and I teach them how to be sensitive to a woman’s feelings. It means they tell me when the high school girls whistle at them, and I introduce them to French toast. It means they know that they have to tell me where they’re going, for how long, with whom, and when they’ll be returning before they can hope to get permission from me. It means that they don’t have to be afraid to cry in front of me or let me hold them whenever they’re telling me their most painful stories. It means we pray together and read the Bible together. It means that if they’re struggling with temptation or have fallen into a past bad habit that they tell me so that we can fight together. For many of my kids who have lived on the streets or raising themselves in orphanages, all of this protection and personal attention is very new for them. But, while they may argue with me from time to time, they also occasionally cave and tell me that they love being a mama’s boy and having someone who cares enough to demand to know their whereabouts.


Marvin, one of my mama's boys


Meanwhile, the business is at a standstill since the trailer needs some repairs, and we’ve had to rely on other people to being able to get those repairs done. I’m not worried about it. Sometimes, especially as North Americans, we’re so eager to be in action and productive, but I have learned that a lot of the greatest growth in my kids comes from the one-on-one time that we spend together. Marvin has had a lot of one-on-one time with me because he hasn’t been working. We laugh together a lot and cry together when he’s struggling. I listen to his stories, and I marvel at the work God is doing in his heart.

The ministry is in the final stages of preparing the paperwork to legally file as a non-profit, and we have an official name—Ministerio Familia de Promesa or Family of Promise Ministries. On our board are eight people: myself, Naty, Martha, Raúl, Alvin, Nelly, Pastor Mirna from our church, and Hermana Sandra, a friend of Nelly’s and of our family. The primary goal of the ministry is to work with street kids, orphans, and young people at social risk. But, along with working with that population, we also want to work towards restoration in their families. This is what God has been doing thus far in our family, and it’s the continued vision. We have big dreams, but our heart overall is that the fulfillment of the Gospel is very simple—stop for the one and love the one in front of you. We must stop and listen to God’s voice as to how to best love the person, but once we know, we shouldn’t hesitate to meet their needs. Often stopping for that one leads us off of “our strategic path” and into our divine destiny. “Stop for the one” is Heidi Baker’s motto, but it’s the mindset that I’ve adopted in being a missionary, and it’s what I teach my children. We have seen fruit of that simple intimacy with God, but it’s only just the beginning.


Along with these changes in home and ministry, we have a new addition to our family—Jonathan, Marvin’s older brother. Jonathan is my oldest at 19, but he’s also my smallest in size, even smaller than Josuan or Marvin. I get frustrated with God sometimes because He makes me seem so rebellious. Alvin had just told me as a piece of advice that I should restrict my sons to those under the age of 18 and those who have no biological family members. It’s sound advice, and I’m not at all against it. It’s only that I don’t govern my life or family or ministry with rules but with relationship and obedience to God in the moment. Thus, the very next day after receiving this advice, when Jonathan made the choice that he wanted to change and go to Teen Challenge, I couldn’t say no. I had to stop for that one too because it’s a soul at stake here. We took him with us twice to Teen Challenge to visit and get a feel for the place, and just from that span of time with my family, he already felt like one of us. Of course, he’s Marvin’s biological brother, but he’d also been in 21 de Octubre with Josuan, and they were already close friends, and he’d been in the juvenile delinquent center with Erick. He stayed the night on a Sunday night before leaving for Teen Challenge on a Monday, and just observing this child joke with Raul and Estiven and tell outlandish, half-true, mostly-false story after story, I couldn’t help but love this one. He is so special even if he is a nut. He just spent his first week in Teen Challenge, and he’s already calling Josuan his little brother (they live in the same building) and me “mami” and cried on Sunday because he couldn’t be with us. (The rule in Teen Challenge is that you can’t have visitors for the first month. It’s a wise rule because it’s a kind of de-tox and helps avoid the new ones coming off of drugs from manipulating their family members from taking them out of Teen Challenge.) So, even though I honestly didn’t envision sending more to Teen Challenge, here we are in the midst of another year and another adventure with yet another son.


Let me give you a quick update on my kids:
Marvin is about to finish his first round of Bible classes, and although I don’t know that he’ll pass all of his classes, he did learn a lot which is the ultimate goal. Some days, he’s doing really well, and it’s evident how much he’s healing. But, in the past couple of weeks, it’s been a real struggle with the usual street kid, manipulative behavior and low self-esteem. He has so much fear, hurt, and anger from his past that he’s still not ready to let go of. This often causes chaos in our house and our relationship, but while I’d like to give him his healing and liberation in an instant to have relief, I also know it’s not that simple. So, all I can do is keep loving and disciplining and praying and wait for God to do what only He can (and will) do. There are days where Marvin decides he can’t handle the pain of healing and wants to run away. On more than one occasion he’s started packing his suitcase to leave, but he always ends up coming to his senses, seeking me for a hug, and we decide again that we’ll keep fighting forward together. It’s not easy, and there are days when I don’t want to be a mami anymore. But, I just run to Jesus, and He fills me up again with his supernatural love, and gives me the strength for yet another battle.

Marvin and Josuan--brothers, best friends, and my two right-hand men

Josuan is doing so well although he is so desperate to finish his year. Watching his brother be with me nonstop, seeing God fulfill his prayers for a house, and being offered a carpentry job have spurred that desire to finish his year already. He is still my greatest help and support, so I will be happy to have him home as well. He is still serving as a junior leader/collaborator although he changed buildings. (Now he lives with Jonathan.) And, he recently started working in the carpentry shop again, which he is ecstatic about. He continues on the intercessory prayer team, and it’s undeniable that in his nearly 11 months of being in Teen Challenge and seven months of being on the intercessory prayer team that he has seen the miraculous ways that God has answered his prayers—first in healing me of H. pylori after ten months of inexplicable illness and now in providing our house. But, he’ll be out of Teen Challenge before he knows it and will be presented on Mother’s Day. I can’t think of a better Mother’s Day gift for this mami.

Jesús left us to go to visit his family, and to be honest, I didn’t expect him to return any time soon. But, a week and a half later, he was back, but it was evident that he was not doing well. I can’t see whether or not he got into drugs while he was gone, but he was not doing well. I had him working again with Raúl for a week. But, Marvin and I thought he was smoking in the boys’ room, and he often said he was going to rent the room whenever we moved to the house although he wouldn’t have had the money. He often didn’t want to work with Raúl and was going around saying lots of lies about me and his brothers. He kept saying that he was just going to leave again, and this time for good. But, he used this threat mainly for manipulation. It was evident to me that I was going to have to find a solution to his behavior before it became too much for me, a single mom to handle. So, I gave him the option of returning to Teen Challenge for a period of time or returning to live with his family because what he wanted was to live off of my finances but not obey my rules. Jesús was a difficult case because unlike Marvin and Josuan he wasn’t stuck to me like glue. He hadn’t really accepted me as mami, and in part, I imagine it was because he was a true orphan who grew up most of his life without a mother figure. Oftentimes, he was very jealous of Josuan and Marvin and the affection that we shared, but when I’d try to give him the same affection, he’d reject me. So, to be respectful, I didn’t keep trying as much. So, when given the ultimatum, he left, and we haven’t heard from him since. He doesn’t answer our calls, and he didn’t leave peacefully. Sometimes, I feel guilty about that and wish I could have fought for him more. But, the bottom line is that I can only truly help those who want help. If Jesús finishes his time of being the prodigal son and really wants help, we will receive him with open arms.

Bladimir has seven months in Teen Challenge, and I have seen a change in his behavior as if he has made the decision to want to change and that he wants to truly be part of our family. I had been encouraging Josuan to seek him out for a long time, and Josuan has been obedient. They get along well, and Bladi has sought Josuan out for love and advice as a big brother. This is a relief to know that Bladi is allowing himself to be part of our family, but it’s still a battle with his manipulative behavior. And, as is the case with all of my kids, he is incredibly jealous for my time and attention. But, I often feel like I can’t win. I set apart some one-on-one time for him (at his request) during his recent leave, and he spent it sleeping.
 

Bladimir

Last month, all of the things that Erick had been doing in secret came into the light. Lies he’d told came out into the open, and his mother and I spoke with his leaders. He received a month of punishment and without visits. And, while this provided a rest for his mother, now that the punishment is over, I can’t say that I’ve seen a change in his attitude although he is being more diligent in his studies. So, we’ll see what happens.

Estefanny is doing well although out of all of my kids she is often the most difficult for me to for whom to find time simply because she doesn’t live with me and Marvin is always with me. A few weeks ago, she was really struggling, and she finally texted me asking me to set apart some time for her because she felt alone and like she was battling on her own. I had already felt like she wasn’t doing well and was distant and that I needed to set aside some time alone with her which I was finally able to do. It’s very difficult to be in such high demand sometimes especially when time to myself is also a rarity for this introvert. But, she is now doing better. She has been sad that Jesús left, and I feel like she often blames me. But, Marvin has stepped up to be the new brother taking care of her, so now they’re inseparable.


Marvin and Estefanny and the concert

I visited Jorge and Elvis last month, and they’re doing well. They’re both studying, and they are often happy when I bring their brothers to visit them. They’ve now added another visitation day to the monthly schedule at the orphanage, so now it’ll be possible to see them twice a month instead of just once. I’m happy about that because it’ll be more time to help them feel like part of the family.




The Marco Barrientos concert


This past weekend, I took the whole family (except Erick and Jonathan) to a Christian concert. It was a reminder that we really don’t fit in my little two-door Tercel anymore, but I laugh and always ask my carful, “Everyone’s praying for the family bus, right?” And my can of sardines responds with a weary, bored, “Yes, Mami.” It was so much fun watching my kids enjoying their first ever concert, and it was so beautiful watching my kids jump and worship God together. At one point, the entire family was together in a chain of hugs, and Josuan whispered in my ear, “Thank you so much, Mami, for bringing me to the feet of Jesus.” This is what I live for. In the middle of dealing with jealousy and manipulation, competition and ungratefulness from my typical (and yet not-so-typical former street kid) teenagers, I find joy in those moments when it’s evident that God is still holding us in the palm of His hand. I tell Him often that we belong to Him, that He is the Head of our household, and that the desire of my heart is that He would make us an instrument in His Kingdom, a blessing to His heart, and an outpouring vessel of real love. Those small glimpses I get of what He is making us although we’re still undecipherable lumps of clay on the Potter’s wheel is what keeps me going when I want to throw in the towel. Josuan is my prime example that, while the ongoing fight with manipulation and demand for my time, pressure from my kids to be perfect when I can’t, etc. is exhausting, in the end, it is worth it. If they come to the feet of Jesus because of my love or really just because of His grace in my life, it’s all worth it.



Mami Yessica and Bladimir at the concert

This past Sunday, I had reached the end of myself. Almost all of my kids were on my case in uproars of jealousy and demands for my time and attention. After spending all day cooking for the Sunday meal with no help, all night dealing with a crisis with Marvin, and all morning from 4:45 AM finishing cooking and getting Bladimir and everyone else out the door to get him back to Teen Challenge before 8 AM, I was shot. The church service hadn’t even started, but I was already a puddle of tears with the leaders looking at me awkwardly and the pastor’s wife coming to give me a hug asking, “Why, Sarah, what on earth is wrong?” And, all I could do was laugh-cry and say like a small child fighting sleep, “I’m just so tired!” As usual, Josuan was the first at my side, encouraging me and telling me I’m a good mom and how much he loves me and appreciates everything I do, while his brothers and sister jealously glared at him. Next, it was Marvin with his head on my shoulder asking, “It’s my fault, isn’t it, Ma?” At the end of the day, what lifted me up out of my exhaustion was a fatherly hug from the pastor, hearing God tell me, “I don’t demand perfection from you, just obedience,” and a solid evening nap while Marvin did the dishes.

This is my family. Maybe it’s your family too. Maybe you have teenagers who wear you out just like mine, or maybe they’re toddlers. Maybe you feel like a half-dead mommy sometimes, and all you can do is cry because you’re so tired. But, let me tell you that you have a Father who does not demand perfection from you, mainly because He is the one perfecting His work in you. We do everything as unto the Lord, and even though we love our kids, He has to be our first love and first priority because everyone else will leave us empty. The bottom line is that when we operate with His love and His grace, He does what we cannot do. And, while it may seem that we fight the same problems in our kids over and over and over with no end in sight, real love will win. We may still be very rough around the edges, but we have potential. We're a family of promise.

All of my love,
Sarah

PS I want to take the time to say how much I love and appreciate my own mama and daddy, and how they helped make me the mother I am today. I am sorry for all of those times when I was ungrateful or manipulative and made you all feel like less than the wonderful woman and man of God that you are. I love you very much, and I thank God for how you raised me. You’re leaving your legacy on my kids here in Honduras. And, my kids and I are so looking forward to a visit from my dad and my brother in May!

This view awaits you!

Love Is Enough

Josuan, Mami Yessi, and Erick

Hello All,

Well, as previously mentioned, life has turned upside down in the past month, and if I thought last year was a rough battle full of beautiful victories, I’m already realizing that last year was nothing in comparison to what this year holds. In the past month, my family has been undergoing some major changes that have been both joyous and heartbreaking.


On January 26, Marvin left Teen Challenge to come live with me. He sleeps in the room I rent on the other side of Raúl, but he is my responsibility and my son in every way. This was a big step for me as he is the first since Josuan that I’ve had with me constantly. It took me some significant time of seeking God to reach peace about having him come live with me—not because of him but because of me. I am incredibly introverted, and after living on my own since I was 18, I’ve grown really accustomed to being alone. Remembering how exhausting it was to have Josuan with me made me fear taking on Marvin because I figured I was just going to die from exhaustion because my life as an independent person would be over. But, God reminded me of the fruit that came from enduring that time with Josuan, and now, he is my greatest support system, has healed so many deep wounds, and is now an ally in the battles of life. Thus, God let me know that I needed to take on Marvin because he also had wounds that needed healed with real love that were not going to heal in Teen Challenge simply because they deal with learning how to accept and be part of a loving family. So, Marvin has been with me for nearly a month. In that time, I’ve already been seeing how God is taking his hard heart and is softening it with furious love, but it is a crazy battle that’s been even more difficult than the battle with Josuan. Just as I did with Josuan, we spend hours together talking about his past, taking on deep-rooted pain and guilt, and conquering it all with unwavering love and hugs. Marvin told me last week, “Mami, thank you for hugging me. It’s like my heart is full of holes from 17 years of damage and pain, but every time you hug me, God fills one of those holes with real love. He’s healing my heart, isn’t He, Ma?”


My son’s past is heartbreaking. I’d love to share it with you, so you’d know just how much God can redeem a person and that it is true that God absolutely loves us no matter what we’ve done, but out of respect for him at this time, I can’t. It’s very easy for us Christians to spew that “God loves you no matter what you’ve done” spiel whenever the worst that we can imagine a person doing is having babies out of wedlock, getting an abortion, doing drugs, stealing, etc. But, if you want a taste of my reality and the level of love God is bringing me to, I recommend that you go to the maximum security prisons in the States, hug those inmates (especially those in solitary confinement or on death row) as if they were your babies and look them in the eyes and say, “No matter what you’ve done, God loves you,” without flinching or looking away. I am beginning this reality of love, and it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. My heart breaks for the pain my children have been through, and it breaks for those my children have hurt. Sometimes, I ask myself, “In so much evil and darkness and damage, is God’s love really enough?” And, I’m here to tell you that only in this past year, I can absolutely attest to the truth that yes, it is enough. It’s just a painful process of receiving all of my babies’ pain and giving them love in return, and then running to Jesus to cry it all out. It’s the tiniest taste of what I imagine Jesus felt like on the cross, bearing all of our sin and darkness and yet still interceding for our forgiveness. What a privilege to suffer a broken heart like Jesus.


In the weeks that Marvin has been with me, we were able to go with Naty and some people from our church to the streets to hand out food. Although we went to places that weren’t Marvin’s spots whenever he was on the streets, it was evident that it touched him to be in the middle of his old life but seeing from a different viewpoint. God has given my son such a heart of compassion especially for young children living on the streets, and I know that God is going to use him in amazing ways. But, first he has to go through his process of healing and purification.


God opened the door for Marvin to go to Bible school even though he didn’t meet the requirements of having finished sixth grade, and we’re conquering his classes together. But, it’s a struggle. The last grade my son remembers finishing was fourth, and from there, he only spent two months in high school level classes almost two years ago. His classes in Bible school are taught on a university level. I’m not one for diagnosing people, but if Marvin were in the States, he’d be treated as a student with ADHD. To make matters more challenging, he started classes two weeks late and was too shy to ask many questions about his massive amount of homework at first because most of the people in his classes come from wealthy families and are taking notes on iPads or iPhones while he takes out his notebook and pencil. My baby spent his childhood helping his family of five siblings and a single mom by stealing, and he had never had a brand new set of clothes in his life until this past Christmas. So, all of this has been a culture shock. But, after spending days swamped with his homework and constantly keeping Marvin on-task and essentially re-teaching him his classes using his books and feeling like I understood how my mom felt when she homeschooled my brother and wondering if this whole Bible school thing was a bad idea, we had a breakthrough on Friday night. I picked Marvin up from class, and he got in the car with a grin on his face. “Mami, I am so excited! My class went so great! Guess what happened! My teacher told the whole class that my homework was the best homework out of all of them and that he had never received such mature comments about leadership. He said he was proud that I had been in Teen Challenge.” My son is the youngest in his classes, and he just learned how to write a full, correct sentence this past week. (And I thought I’d never use my college degree again! Ha ha.) One of my baby’s love languages is words of affirmation, and there are no words to express how this blessing from God encouraged my son and filled his heart—and gave me a ray of light that, yes, God was going to give us the strength and wisdom to carry on in his classes. It makes me unspeakably proud to know how far God has brought Marvin, and I feel overwhelmed with God’s favor for my family.


The other project we’re taking on now that he is caught up in his classes is starting a business. I bought an enclosed trailer from Naty that we’re going to use to start a business selling food by Raúl’s business. We’ve had a few setbacks because the trailer needed repaired, but God led us to a deal on a stove to use, and God-willing, we’ll be able to start at the beginning or middle of March. The business will belong to my family, but it will give Marvin a job and will enable him to start having his own savings (and possibly help his own family financially) as well as be a bit of a relief on my finances as well if our profits go well enough. Trust me when I say that I never thought I’d start a small business. Business is not my thing, and for that reason, I’ve been incredibly scared to fail. But, God has been the one prodding me to have faith and be obedient in starting what He’s laid on my heart, so we’re moving forward.



Presenting Erick as he finished his first year in Teen Challenge

A week after Marvin left Teen Challenge, Erick finished his first year. We celebrated as a family and were blessed by a miracle—Erick’s pastors came to celebrate, and we found out that they were from Jesús’ home town. I have done everything possible to try to find a connection to Jesús’ family with absolutely no government information. So, we’ve just been clinging to God and asking Him to make a way. It turned out that Erick’s pastors knew Jesús’ family and were able to contact the pastor that had married Jesús’ parents before they died. He is also the pastor of the church that Jesús’ sister attends. Thus, a week before Jesús finished his year in Teen Challenge, God opened the door and miraculously provided us with a way to let his family know that he was alive and well. That was a miracle, and this is our life—miracles happen for us all the time.



Presenting Jesús when he finished his year in Teen Challenge

With all of that said, Jesús, spiritually was not ready to leave Teen Challenge. Talking to Jesús is like talking to someone with two heads or to a small child because he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. He would joke about leaving Teen Challenge to go get high and join the gang again, and in the same breath would say that he wanted to go back to his hometown to preach God’s Word. His leaders cautioned me that he wasn’t ready to leave Teen Challenge, but his commitment had only been a year, and I don’t ever try to force any of my kids to stay with me if they don’t want to. Initially, he was saying that he wanted to go to his hometown to see his family, but then he changed his mind and said he wanted to live with me and Marvin and work with Raúl. But, regardless of his whims, the Holy Spirit let me know that he would eventually leave like the prodigal son, seeking something that he wasn’t going to find, and that I’d have to let him go. And that’s exactly what happened. God gave us the victory that he finished his year in Teen Challenge after six attempts to run away and a year of fighting with unwavering love. But, he made it a week and two days with Marvin and me before he made the choice to leave. The days before, he gave away all of the photos of our family I had given him because he didn’t want to remember us, and he told Yessica (Erick’s mom and his second mom) that he didn’t love me and never wanted me to be his mom. I don’t take this stuff personally. I know that I don’t battle flesh and blood, and I’m well-acquainted with the lies the enemy uses to steal my children, but I tell you so that you know what I’m up against and how I have to guard my heart.


We cautioned him not to go because he has no legal papers since they’re still in process (and in this country, you have to carry your identity card or your birth certificate at all times) and because the pastor in his hometown had said it was still too dangerous for him to return, but he had made his choice. I cried the whole way to the bus stop as I surrendered my baby to the hands of God, trusting that God loves him even more than I do, and believing that He has control. I bought him the bus ticket and gave him enough money to set my mind at ease that he wouldn’t go hungry and would have enough money to come back if he needed to. He told me that he only wanted to visit home for two weeks and then he’d return to live with me. But, inside, I felt God severing those mother bonds of responsibility and knew that it would likely be longer. After a quick hug and heartfelt “I love you,” my son was gone and so was the year I had spent pouring myself out for him, but God gave me peace. Jesús called me from the bus and in the evening. The same day, he told me that even though he was at his sister’s house and was fine that he wanted to return the following day. The following day, I called his sister, who for an entire year hadn’t known if her brother was alive or dead, and the first thing she told me was not “thank you” or how grateful to God that she was that her brother was alive and well. Her first comment was that Jesús needed to return to live with me but that they didn’t have the money for bus fare. Let me be clear in saying that my motives in helping a person are never to receive anything in return. My kids don’t owe me anything. Everything I do, I do for Jesus Christ, and His approval is enough. However, the reactions of people tell me a lot about what’s in their hearts. And, it was evident in her response that Jesús is a burden for her that she doesn’t want. This breaks my heart because Jesús left us looking for real love from his blood-related family when he had it with us this entire time and just didn’t want to accept it.


In the conversation, it became clear that Jesús blew through $40 in less than 24 hours which is why he didn’t have bus fare. But, he again changed his mind and said he wanted to stay with his sister anyway. If I’m being honest with you, what my boys and I feel in our spirits is that he’s already back into drugs. And, although I called him the first couple of days, God quickly let me know that I needed to stop calling although I could answer his calls if he called me. When I talked to him, all he did was ask me to send him money—something I am not going to do. My kids know well that if they live with me and depend on my love and finances, they also choose to submit to my rules. If they choose to be men and leave me to do what they want, they have to find their own way. No one is going to live off of my finances but not respect my rules and protection. That would make me a bad mom, and I take it very seriously that I have to give an account to God for how I’ve parented my children. And, furthermore, Marvin gave me the caution that if I keep calling Jesús, if he gets mixed up in bad company, they could call me to extort me. So, Jesús is in God’s hands. At the very least, God gave him a home and a family with us, and if he reaches the point where he no longer wants to be a prodigal son, he knows where he can find real love.



We miss him.

Jesús’ leaving has been very difficult for Estefanny, Josuan’s sister. God paired up my kids. Jorge and Elvis are together. Bladimir and Erick get along. Marvin and Josuan are best friends and my two right-hand men—thank God, after so much sibling rivalry. And Jesús was Estefanny’s pair. She was able to understand him and have patience with him in a way that no one else in the family could, and he was the one who made her feel less alone. She is struggling with loneliness, but I’m proud to tell you that she has a very personal, beautiful relationship with God. She genuinely wants to change, and because of this fact, she decided a few weeks ago that she wanted to tell her family, with my help, what she had gotten involved in due to bad friendships. She was struggling with temptation on her own since no one in her house knew, and this was difficult for me because I couldn’t be with her constantly to protect her from herself. Her family was devastated because they hadn’t known, but at the same time, God used that moment to begin restoration in them, and after the shock, they reacted with love. And, as a result of this difficult conversation, God brought Estefanny (and Josuan’s) stepdad to salvation because he chose to accept Jesus. My life doesn’t get any better than when I see God using the darkest, ugliest things in my kids’ lives to bring furious love and redemption not only to them but also to their families.


I can’t tell you what it means to me to see my family fight together. It fills me with joy that when praise and worship starts in Teen Challenge, my kids are the first ones in front, worshipping God with unspeakable gratitude because this is how we conquer. This is how we overcome everything we’re up against—with intimacy with God and with unwavering love for each other. I can’t tell you how much it blesses me how Marvin supports his younger siblings. Even as he has been in the midst of his own healing, he has taken Estefanny under his wing as a younger sister, and he has gone various times to visit Josuan during the week in Teen Challenge (I can’t go, but he can go because he is a graduate). Josuan is coming up on his last two months in Teen Challenge, and in general, the months that are the most difficult are the first couple of months and the last couple of months. He is so desperate to finish his year and be able to be with me and with Marvin. He had leave last week which was helpful for both of us because I needed his love and support after some major battles dealing with Marvin, but we both cried together when I had to take him back to Teen Challenge. He is determined to finish his year, and he is doing well as a collaborator in leadership and as an ongoing part of the intercessory prayer team, but it is an ongoing struggle to persevere and finish well. I couldn’t possibly be more proud of him or more grateful for the doors that are already opening up for him when he does leave T.Ch. Although it won’t be possible for him to go to bilingual school when he leaves Teen Challenge because the schools here won’t take anyone unless they’ve previously been in a bilingual school, he does already have a carpentry job waiting for him. We both look forward to Mother’s Day, when he’ll be presented as finishing his year in Teen Challenge.


Bladimir will soon have six months completed in Teen Challenge, but to be honest with you, it’s a constant struggle with him because he still hasn’t made the decision of whether he wants to change or not. We had some conflicts during his last leave although it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle with some tough love, and he will be on leave again this Friday. I know that there is a reason that God placed him in our family even when he wants to reject us, and a lot of times, I feel like we are so close to a breakthrough with Bladi. But, we’re waiting on his decision of what he wants. All we can do is pray and keep loving.


To wrap up this update, I want to echo something that I’ve said before—we do not battle against flesh and blood but rather against the powers of darkness. My days are filled with everything from cooking and grocery shopping to helping Marvin with Bible school homework and counseling him in the midst of his past pain, from wondering how I’m going to make it the rest of the month financially to rejoicing with my kids when God miraculously fills our every need, from writing to Josuan to giving the neighbor kids something to eat, from meeting with the lawyer about starting the ministry to pricing stoves for the business, from hand washing clothes to washing a pile of dishes, from doing devotions with Marvin to crying like a baby at church. But, in the midst of life, it is becoming more and more evident that we are constantly surrounded by a spiritual world of two fighting forces—just in this past week, I have seen angels in the midst of moments of fear, and I’ve seen the impact demons have on my kids’ thoughts. My kids battle every day with nightmares or dreams of temptation, with demonic thoughts about everything from drugs to suicide, and with constant temptation. If you knew what we’re up against as a family on a regular basis, it would shock you. Just this morning, after two months of being illness free and treating myself twice for H. pylori, I woke up sick just as I had all last year, and this makes me very angry with the enemy because he is completely unoriginal in his attacks. But, I cling to a word given to me when I was in the States, that I had indeed touched Jesus’ mantle and that my faith had made me whole. I will not accept anything less than this truth.


We continue as a family, fighting for each other and with God’s power of unconditional love. And, the victories, though small, happen every day and much more often than our losses. We receive a lot of criticism. I get cautioned a lot about my kids’ pasts and about loving them too much. I get told that I can’t show them affection as if they were my own flesh and blood kids because I don’t even know what it means to be a mother since I’ve never given birth. I get told that I should fear their pasts and should hold back my love for them because it looks bad. I have neighbors spreading lies about me and my kids even as the very people criticizing us come near looking for love. And while this is a major struggle for me that often causes me to get discouraged because overall, I’m a very obedient, submissive person who doesn’t like to make waves, all of this brings me to two conclusions:


1) Most people in this world, even those of us who call ourselves Christians, have never received the true love of God in its fullness, and it’s something that we desperately want and need and at the same time, religiously fear because it’s unlike anything we’ve ever experienced before. But, it is only this real love that only comes from God that is powerful enough to destroy the darkness. And, the very people who reject us or criticize us the most are the ones who are in the greatest need of this love that God has granted us. The greatest of these is love because God is Love itself. And, I can tell you that if I were to hold back out of fear of what others might think or out of fear of what my kids could do to me, they would know about my lack of sincerity. And I would be in grave danger because it would only echo everything they’ve ever learned in street life and gang violence—no one’s life is valuable because no one is sincere and no one’s motives can be trusted. But, it is love that holds us together, protects me from the darkness that they carry, and gives us the strength to conquer the evil that wants to devour them. It is love that keeps them from running away even when they’re facing the pain of their pasts because they desperately want God to change their hearts of stone to hearts of love.


2) Demonizing the person and fearing the person is like being a doctor afraid of sick people. God has fully equipped us, His children, to run into the darkness to rescue the lost, tormented, and dying and bring them into the light. As soon as we start fearing the darkness and start painting people into boxes of labeled evil, we become useless to this world and dormant in the Kingdom of God. We do not battle against flesh and blood. We battle spirits of evil. Tormented people need love desperately because when they are in the middle of the battle with those demonic thoughts, temptations, and feelings, what they will remember is your hug without fear, your kindness in spite of their pasts, and your faith in their value in spite of their sin. And, they will find the strength to conquer because you will have already shown them that Jesus’ love is stronger than even their fear of themselves.


All of my love,
Sarah




Smiley!

PS God still blesses me with little details. My latest little detail has been this little girl—a puppy that is just skin and bones who has started coming to visit me every day. She brings me joy as she smiles at me, so I’ll give her something to eat. Marvin thinks she’s the ugliest dog in the world, but I like her, and I named her Smiley. If we do eventually find a house (which we’re still looking for), I’ll take her home with us. She’s my kind of pup because no one else wants her because she’s so pitiful. 

A Quick Update

The Crickenberger Family on New Year's Eve:
Josuan, me, Erick, Belkis (Marvin's sister), Yessica (Erick's mom), Stefani (Josuan's sister), Jesús
Bladimir, Marvin, and Cristofer (Erick's brother)

 

Hello All,
It's been quite a while since I updated, and to be perfectly honest, this isn't going to be a full-fledged update either because there are so many changes in the making that I want to wait to see how things pan out concretely. What I can tell you is that I had a wonderful visit while in the States and was able to rest and get my health squared away. Below is my January hard-copy/e-mail newsletter which will give the general overview of what has gone on in the past couple of months. In general, my family is doing well although we have some major changes coming up. But, more on that in the days to come. For now, here's a quick update and some pictures from the holidays.



The Gringo Crickenberger Family:
Dad, Samuel,
Mom, Gabrielle,
me, and Naomi

 Breakthroughs

As I write this, I am surrounded by my family in the US with less than a week left in my visit. This trip has been so necessary for restoration and rest in every sense. From the first month I adopted Josuan, I started dealing with stomach health issues. I powered through it for six months, losing weight and unable to digest anything normally before going to the doctor a couple times. But nothing seemed to help me. One of the motivators for Josuan to join the intercessory prayer team was to pray and fast for my health which he has been doing every week since. Throughout so much physical exhaustion and other types of obstacles this year, it was evident to me that everything we were struggling against had a spiritual root. So, Josuan and I prayed together about many of our battles, and we knew that God was always working on our behalf even if we didn’t see a breakthrough yet. A teaching I heard from Kris Vallotton explains it like this—we often face the greatest spiritual attacks whenever we’re entering promised land or doing something that God always had for us to do. Thus, Josuan and I believed with faith that this trip would be the start of many needed breakthroughs for our family. After ten months of physical suffering, I was able to go to the doctor here and get some tests done which revealed that I’ve had the bacteria H. pylori, which causes ulcers, in my stomach and GI tract. They had tested me in Honduras for H. pylori but told me I didn’t have it. Thankfully, I’ve been able to start taking the right medication and am on the road to complete healing. I believe that this is the first of many breakthroughs for our family. I had the joy of sharing with a group of kind, supportive brothers and sisters in Christ from Living Waters CMA Church and was blessed to be heard. During this trip, I’ve also been blessed financially to be able to start the ministry when I return.



The lovely group from Living Waters CMA Church receiving Josuan's homemade gift.

Losing Cristhian
Five days into this trip, I received the news that Cristhian, my youngest in Teen Challenge, had escaped to go back to the streets. While I wasn’t surprised, as a mother, my heart breaks to know that his suffering isn’t over yet—that he is going to have to go through more before realizing he is not an orphan but a son loved by God. I continue to pray for him, but I also have peace that God is not finished with him yet and that I did everything God asked of me for the life of my son. I hope to see him again at 21 de Octubre. Losing Cristhian has been a humbling reminder to me that I can’t guarantee results. Each one of my boys is a miracle that only God can give me in His perfect way and timing. It’s all His work. The responsibilities coming up this year scare me sometimes, but God has never let us down.

Big Changes
Just to give you an overview of some of the situations in the making, here is an update on my kids:

Marvin - Marvin will likely be leaving Teen Challenge soon to be with me. He had intended to stay as a leader in Teen Challenge and go to Bible school through the ministry on the weekends. Due to some changes, Teen Challenge isn't currently offering the option to go to Bible school, which is one of my motivators for being willing to take Marvin so that we can enroll him independently. Because Marvin has a gift for working with young children, I plan to have him collaborate with Naty and Martha in the ministry in Yuscaran, helping them with the tons of kids who attend their services every other week.



Marvincito, one of my right-hand men on New Year's Eve

Jesús - Jesús will finish his year in Teen Challenge on February 9. He goes back and forth on whether or not he wants to stay with me or return to his pueblo. His current stance is that he wants to stay with me, so I've gotten him a temporary job working with Raúl to test things out.



Jesús goofing off with a fake mustache my mom sent for my kids on Christmas Eve.

Erick - Erick will finish his first year in Teen Challenge on February 1, but he has a court-mandated second year to spend in the ministry. Thus, he plans to study on the high school level at the public high school that collaborates with the ministry.



Erick posing with the Teen Challenge Christmas tree.

Josuan - Josuan will soon complete nine months of being in Teen Challenge. He was made a collaborator/junior leader in his building just this week. He remains part of the intercessory prayer team, and he's my greatest support system. He will finish his year in Teen Challenge in May--on Mother's Day, to be exact. He already has a job offer for when he leaves, but I'm currently looking for a private school with the US school calendar from August-June to enroll him in when he leaves the ministry.



Josuan, goofing off with Abuela's fake mustache on Christmas Eve.

Bladimir - Bladi will have his first weekend leave from the ministry next week, and it will be a big test of his behavior and whether or not he really wants to change. He's been in Teen Challenge five months now.



Bladi showing off his Christmas clothes.

Stefani - Josuan's sister, Stefani, age 13, is doing well in the sense that she has given her heart to Jesus and is willing to change. But, it is most definitely a process of working through deep wounds and bad habits. I've been trying to do a better job of keeping her close to me, and she's become my buddy in running errands with me while she's been on school vacation. Her high school classes will start again in a couple of weeks. But, she and I are getting more involved in church activities which will also be the case for the boys when they leave Teen Challenge.

 Cristhian - I haven't heard anything about his whereabouts. I check in with 21 de Octubre to see if he's landed there again, but at this point, as far as I know, he's on the streets.

John - I haven't heard anything from John in several months. When he used to call me, he was usually drunk or high. The last time we talked, he was no longer living with his mom and was living in between girlfriends' houses.

Joel - Joel is living on the streets. We still haven't seen him since he left Teen Challenge, but some of our friends from Teen Challenge have seen him. I hope to see him again soon.

Elvis - Elvis is doing well in El Buen Pastor and is enjoying his vacation from school although classes will start soon. I have finally won him over, and he proudly tells his friends that I'm his mami. I recently went with the social worker from the center to try to arrange a visit between his stepdad and him because his stepfather is the only father or sense of family Elvis has ever had. But, his father is handicapped, and it's very difficult to arrange transportation. The glitch we ran into this past week after making the two hour trip to Danlí to pick him up from the bus station was that he hadn't come since he didn't have legal papers to be able to travel. Thus, we're at a standstill in our efforts.



Elvis after opening his Christmas presents.

Jorge - Jorge is doing well although I still haven't won him over. I was surprised to find in talking to the social worker that Jorge's mother is still living. Every time I've talked to him about her, he has talked as if she were dead. In reality, she lives on the streets and is a drug addict--living and wandering possibly in the very places where we do street ministry! I may have already met her without knowing it! His older sisters both live in separate centers, and one is a recovering drug addict as well. I'm still working on winning Jorge over. Having lived in the orphanage nearly his entire life, he's not sure what to do with this whole concept of having a mom and family.




Elvis and Jorge opening their Christmas gifts from me, Abuela, and Bisabuela Charlotte.

Christmas and New Year's
I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my Teen Challenge sons, Yessica, Wendy (Erick's aunt who is also part of our family), and their kids. We had a lot of fun opening presents, dancing at the church service, praying and thanking God together, and staying up all night to eat Christmas dinner, light fireworks, and stay warm by a giant campfire. Words cannot express the joy it brought me to see my kids on Christmas. For Josuan, it was the first Christmas he'd ever spent sober since he was around nine years old! For others, they received their first Christmas gift or their first new set of clothes ever. The greatest blessing, to me, however, was hugging and crying with joy together during the church service knowing that this is the first Christmas they've ever spent in the security of loving family. There is no greater thankfulness to Jesus than seeing tears roll down Josuan's face in worship and telling me, "Mami, all I can say is, 'Thank you, Jesus,' because I don't deserve all of this. But, He loves me so much." Jesús pulled me aside and said, "Mami, I just want to tell you thank you. I've never had a Christmas like this--so peaceful and so beautiful." And while Marvin isn't always very vocal, his smile said it all. I also spent New Year's Eve during the day with them. Raúl bought them a whole box full of fireworks, and they set nearly all of them off before it was even dark. I spent the rest of New Year's with Raúl and his extended family as has been the tradition since they adopted me when I moved here. Two Saturdays ago was visitation at El Buen Pastor, and I was able to give Jorge and Elvis their Christmas gifts. They were quite happy.



Enjoying snow in the States...

Siblings

The first time I'd seen snow in a while...

Tía Naomi

Tío Samuel

Abuelo Joe




Family Picture



Abuela decorating the Christmas tree.



Christmas in Teen Challenge



Erick, Jesús, and Bladi cooking on Christmas Day

Marvin and his spiritual father, Líder Anselmo

Bladi being silly opening Christmas presents

Tía Wendy, Jesús, and Mami Yessica

Norlan, Wendy's son, enjoying fake snow

Cristofer (Erick's brother) and Angie (Erick's cousin)

Jesús posing in his favorite spot

Mami Yessi, Erick, and Tía Wendy

Bladi and Marvin opening Christmas presents

Cris playing with fake snow

Me and my festive Josuan on New Year's Eve

Jesús cleaning the church

Cristofer posing with Marvin's sunglasses

Cristofer and Mami Yessi

New Year's Eve with my girls, Belkis and Sayri, from Raúl's family

Raúl and I

Josuan and I in Oropoli visiting his grandparents

Chuy

Chuy and I in Oropoli

Elvis and Jorge opening their Christmas presents.



At a recent gathering of Raúl's family with Enmanuel (the son of Waldina--Raúl's sister) and Raúl

More updates to come!



All of my love,
Sarah