I Still Say Yes

Hello all,
I know that it's been far too long since I last updated, and I do plan to write a real update sometime soon when I get around to it. But, for the moment, on this eve of my returning to Honduras after having been in the States for a month, I just want to share a few thoughts:

When I moved to Honduras three years ago, I don't remember shedding a single tear even after saying goodbye to my parents and siblings and childhood home and college friends and having no idea when I'd see them again. I shed my skin of childhood toys and old photographs, close friendships and precious memories, and I didn't look back. I was 22 and full of zeal and vision and purpose as a missionary. I was excited to see what God could do with my little life in a foreign land that felt like home.

Now, that I have been a missionary three years and become a mom and the novelty of tajadas and Spanish and the fear of traffic has totally worn off, I find I can't contain the tears of goodbye. I return to my hometowns and see my friends buying houses and having babies. I visit my extended family and see my cousins growing taller and making big life steps, and I see my grandparents growing older. And, I know that this is time I will never get back. Life does go on when I am not here.

In this short month, God has taken me to new places and old places, and I feel like He's shown me everything that my life could be--the jobs I could have, the homes I could live in, the streets I could walk, the foods I could eat, the conveniences I could enjoy, the accolades I could receive, and the community and family I could be a part of. And He says so kindly, so gently to me, "You know, I will never love you any more or any less for where or how you choose to live. You are my child, and I delight in you regardless of your choices. You do not have to choose My plan."

And, He doesn't let me idealize my return to Honduras, because I've had to deal with rocky situations with my kids and relationships even from afar. He won't let me convince myself that life there is easier or friendlier or more exciting. I will still haul water to bathe from a bucket instead of taking a hot shower. I will still have to discipline my former street kids and fight old demons beside them. I will still have to stand confident in my value in Christ Jesus in a culture that often defines women as largely purposeless or with little value. I will still have to fight to protect the sacredness of my relationship with the Holy Spirit and our precious time together in a land where needs never end, and people never stop seeking you out for what you have and not who you are.

I look at what could have been and still could be, and I look at what is and the reality I have lived for three years. I have faced challenges I never dreamed I could overcome. I have lived on the edge of myself, waiting to fall off. I have stared death in the face and have seen angels by my side. There are no illusions about the battles that await me and the suffering at hand. And, my Jesus looks at me with eyes of love and says, "Now that you know fully what you're getting yourself into, what do you choose?" And, all I can do is mourn the time lost and the Stateside friendships fading, feel that pain of loss and let the tears fall as I sing my answer in prostrate awe:

Let this be a sacrifice; let me dedicate my life to worship You. I'm a lover of Your presence. That's all I want to be. My passion's burning deep inside; You're all that really satisfies. I'm a lover of Your presence. That's all I want to be. I was made for love. I was made for love. I was made for loving You.
And I whisper, "I still say yes to Your Kingdom and Your country in Honduras because the Lamb of God who gave it all for me is so worthy. But, please show me how."
He reminds me of His Word:

There is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mothers or fathers or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time... Mark 10:29-30
And answers, "My child, just worship through it. Worship to your breakthrough. I will turn your mourning into dancing."
He lifts me to my feet and says, "Now, sing this:"


You make me brave. You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shores into the waves. You make me brave. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made a way. You make me brave. You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises You made.

So, I stand and proclaim the truth He's given me even when it doesn't feel true. I lift my hands high to the heavens, and I tell God over and over, "Thank You for this privilege of laying down my little life. I do it for You."


So, I return refreshed, revived, ready. Since the days of the early New Testament church, the mark of a true missionary was passion--not for programs or numbers of souls saved or instant gratification fruit to put on display. It wasn't learning a new language or raising funding or having a five-year plan. It was just a deep realization of the worthiness of the Lamb and being deeply in love with a perfect Savior to the point that no detail of life was too big or too small to lavish in anointing oil onto the feet of Jesus. Is it any wonder that Peter and so many others were martyred? They were lovesick for the Savior who gave their little lives more value than they ever could have imagined. How could they deny the One who made them worthy? That's the kind of missionary I want to be. I want Him to consider me a trusted friend. Fruit and saved souls is a product of intimacy with the Beloved because only He can teach us how to receive and give Love. I wish to deny Him nothing no matter the cost, not from a heart of abuse, slavery, guilt, or obligation but from a heart in awe of the One who makes me eternally worthy. It's the greatest adventure to live, the only way that's made life worth living. May I never tire of loving Him with everything.

All of my love,
Sarah

Learning to Rest and Receive

Elvis, Jorge, me, Estefanny, and Josuan visiting in El Buen Pastor
Hello All,

I’m not really sure where to begin. The two months that have elapsed since the last time I updated were full of lessons and difficulties I never really expected, but here we are, still moving forward in God’s grace.

I find myself in a place of transition and renewal, of asking questions and taking some time to just breathe. Every time I pray about where I am spiritually, God gives me a mental image of a tree burning. Everything dry and useless smolders, but beneath that waste, new, green buds cling to life. So, it’s a time of growing, stretching, and purification. It’s not easy, and there are days where I really want to lose all hope. But, just as my kids have done so often in the past, I grab hold of Philippians 1:6:

…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

In April and May, I went through some major problems with Marvin. It was some of the greatest evidence I’ve ever experienced of the truth that we don’t battle against flesh and blood. Without going into detail, let me just say that whatever we carry within, whether hurt or fear, anger or unforgiveness, will come out at some point in time no matter how hard we try to sweep it under the rug. This is the point of fellowship. We bump into each other. We expose each other’s weaknesses and pain. And, how we react to that revelation determines major questions of who we are and who we’ll be. I could spend this entire update complaining about Marvin’s behavior and how difficult it’s been to discipline him and hold strong in the midst of so much spiritual oppression, but the bottom line is that each one of my kids exposes my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my desperate need for God’s grace. I am so in need of a Savior—a Rescuer from past pain, a Defender in present conflicts, and a Fountain of love that deposits water of life to sustain me even when thoughts of the future overwhelm me. Needless to say, my time with Marvin has been eye-opening in revealing my own need for more faith, more courage, and more understanding of my own value as a daughter of the King.

In the meantime, Marvin is improving. I am so proud of how he has taken responsibility for his Bible school studies. Whereas before I was constantly on his case about his homework, he now readily keeps track of what is due when, and he diligently does his work. While I won’t say his grades are perfect or that he studies for all of his tests, I will gladly accept the independence he is exhibiting in managing his own deadlines. His attitude and his approach to various situations are also improving. Sometimes, he gets so frustrated with himself because just like his mama, he never wants to fail, and it’s hard for him to accept when he does. Marvin reminds me so much of myself when I was younger, which I know God utilizes to help me understand him. There are weeks where all we do is argue, but little by little, our relationship is improving, and even those pieces of advice I thought had gone in one ear and out the other are starting to seek deep into Marvin’s heart to change his behavior. It’s a beautiful work that only God can do. And, time and time again, God reminds me that my job is NOT to change my children. It is simply to love them wherever they are in their process of realizing they are not orphans but sons of the Most High. Please keep Marvin and myself in your prayers. It’s not easy for my kid either, and he has packed his bags to leave at least three times. But, here we continue.



Marvin (he has a love for little kids wherever he goes)

In the meantime, we are finally making progress on the food trailer. The repairs should be done as of this week, and I have already talked to the ladies who will also work with Marvin in the business. As soon as the trailer is fully finished, we should be in business…which I know I’ve said for the past six months—welcome to Honduras and Honduran time.



Josuan speaking on the day he was presented for finishing his year in Teen Challenge

In May, Josuan finished his year in Teen Challenge. We had both been counting down the days until he’d be home, and now that he is, he is a great help for me and for Marvin. Basically, from the time he gets up until the time he goes to sleep, he finds ways to serve me, help me, and make my life easier. This is such a relief I can’t begin to explain. While he had a job lined up in a carpentry shop, that job seems to have fallen through, so we’re working with Raúl to buy him his own carpentry tools so that he can work on his own or in collaboration with Raúl’s brother, Walter. He also recently started an online English course through a governmental educational institute. He won’t start studying in high school once again until next year due to the fact that the school year goes from February to November, and he couldn’t start classes in the middle of the year. While it may seem small, he also bought his own bicycle as transportation to his work from money that he had saved from making and selling bracelets. I mention this because it was the largest purchase he had ever made that was spent on something other than drugs. This milestone makes me very proud.

Josuan's bike

Erick participating in a drama in Teen Challenge

Erick is also doing well in his studies. To be more precise, he’s actually at the head of his class and had no grade lower than what would be the equivalent of a B in the US. His schedule is strenuous with still fulfilling his duties in Teen Challenge, but his teachers are impressed with his intelligence. What has yet to improve is his behavior as he has once again spent months without visits for disobedient choices. This is very hard for Erick’s mom, but we trust that all changes that need to take place, God is fully capable of doing. So we keep praying that God would chip away at the hard places in Erick’s heart. We so long to see a breakthrough in deep-seated bitterness and anger, hurt and insecurity. It's a healing that only God can do.




Bladimir with his baptism certificate in April

Sadly, we lost Bladimir. During his leave in April, he suddenly decided that he would not return to Teen Challenge. I could not force him to return, but I did make him aware that he was not going to stay in my house. The following day, when he was supposed to return to the center, he packed his things and left for the streets. He spent a week staying from house to house in our neighborhood until one neighbor brought him to me insisting that he go back to Teen Challenge. I said I would be willing to be responsible for him again and to talk to the pastor. After eight months of being in Teen Challenge and around ten being sober, he returned right back to drugs. The day before he showed up wanting to go talk to the pastor, he spent the whole day high. The pastor agreed to take him back, but Bladi decided he didn’t want to because he was going to have to start all over, committing for another year. Instead, he wanted to go to another center. This is a case we see all too often with street kids. They are so used to working the system that they wait until their bodies can’t take any more of their drug addictions or the street conditions, and they end up in a center. They stay long enough to get healthy and escape back to the streets, and the cycle continues until they have exhausted all of their options in centers or until they turn 18, and no one will take them for their age. In the end, after some tough love, Bladi did decide to return to Teen Challenge. But, he was there only two weeks before escaping and stealing from various people in Teen Challenge. Now, he is once again living in our neighborhood—sometimes high, sometimes sober. For the moment, he is living and working with a guy who sells water from a tank truck, and we still see him from time to time.



Jonathan, Marvin's brother, with his baptism certificate

Bladimir’s exit leaves only Jonathan (Marvin’s brother) and Erick in Teen Challenge. I still don’t feel like I know Jonathan that well, but from what his leaders say, he is well-behaved. He is recently excited because he is taking a baking course being offered in Teen Challenge. Just like Marvin, he is incredibly hyperactive and a clown, but he seems to get along with everyone and easily meshes in our family. I don’t get the sense that he and Marvin are too close as they used to be. It’s difficult for Marvin to see his family more active in visiting or asking about Jonathan than they were for him. But, to give myself a relief and also to give Jonathan a chance to build a better relationship with his family, I have started going every other week and sending Marvin’s mother the Sundays that we don’t go. That way, they can receive God’s Word and Jonathan can receive a visit from the people he wants to see the most. Jonathan has been in Teen Challenge going on two months, and he’ll have his first leave in the end of July.



Estefanny--she loves being called "princess"

Estefanny is struggling but we continue to fight for her. Her high school is full of old temptations, and she often feels very alone with no good Christian friends. She is learning to develop a closer walk with the Holy Spirit, but sometimes the ways of the world pull her away. Praying for Estefanny (or Fefi as we affectionately call her) one day, God showed me a vision of a piece of cloth wrapped around her arm. Sometimes, the cloth got caught on something of this world or someone grabbed onto it and tried to pull her away. But, God had her grasped so tightly by her other hand that even when she was pulled away briefly, she could never stray completely from her Heavenly Father. And, eventually a soft breeze unraveled the cloth from her arm, and this was no longer a problem. This is a great consolation for me because sometimes, I don’t know what else to do. Her family isn’t always as involved as I wish they would be. And, she is struggling greatly with her grades in her classes. She loves Jesus, and He calls her back again and again, but her environment seems so impossible at times. Please pray for a breakthrough for Estefanny, that God would make the escapes from temptation evident and would give her a vision of a bright future. She is often lacking a goal or a dream worth living and fighting for.




Elvis

Today is Elvis’ birthday although we won’t get a chance to celebrate until Saturday. El Buen Pastor has added another visitation day each month, so that means that we’ve been able to visit Elvis and Jorge more often. We still have not been able to arrange a visit between Elvis and his stepfather because he lost his legal documents for traveling, and now it is the rainy season, which means that the roads aren’t going to be in good enough condition for traveling. Elvis has just started studying with a new program, and little by little, is learning. He turns 15 today, and he has gotten so tall in this past year!



Jorge, Dad, Elvis, and Samuel

In the past couple of months, I’ve had some good conversations with Jorge that have surprised me. He is usually very hard to reach or get to open up, but in the past couple of months, he has expressed himself much more readily. He has a good friendship with the pastor of the orphanage, and I have been so blessed to see his spiritual growth. In a visit in April, he told me, “Sometimes, it’s really hard to be here, and I feel bad. Sometimes, I want to run away because I feel lonely. But when I feel that way, I’m learning that I can talk to God just like my best friend. That makes me feel better, so I stay.” He has a lot of hidden hurt as his mom and sister struggle with street life and drug addiction, but I believe that God has Jorge in the palm of His hand. I hope to one day be a support and provide a sense of family for Jorge when he leaves El Buen Pastor, and I was surprised to hear him make the comment that he hopes to be able to be part of our family when he leaves. We just keep loving and stopping for the people God puts in our family, and we trust that He'll use that love to mend their broken hearts.



Raúl and I on my birthday

That seems to have been the case with Raúl, who rededicated his life to Jesus a few months ago. This was a huge answer to two years of prayer. Raúl never stopped loving God or believing that He is real, but he did lose sight of his own worth and identity. He was hurt and let himself sink deeper and deeper into discouragement and apathy until only God could pull him out. He is still in the process of picking himself back up, rearranging his life priorities, and receiving God’s love and healing. But, it’s so good to see him once again worshipping God and slowly changing his mindset and approach to life. Please keep praying for him. At times, he’s like a sponge so in need of God’s love, and oftentimes, I am so emptied from giving of myself to others that I am not the right person to give him the love he needs. Pray that he’d learn to go directly to God as his first refuge and would be filled and healed from all past wounds.

As a result of Raúl’s life changes, Jonathan, one of the boys who works with Raúl has also rededicated his life to Jesus and started going to church. Jonathan struggles with drug addiction, but our family is doing our best to come alongside him and Raúl to be a source of encouragement and fellowship.



Some of the experiences we’ve had over the past couples months are:

Baptisms of the Teen Challenge boys (Josuan, Erick, Jonathan, and Bladimir) in April



Josuan being baptized

Josuan with his baptism certificate

Erick and his baptism certificate

Vacation to the North coast of Honduras (Tela, Triunfo de la Cruz, and La Ceiba) during Easter Week with Raúl, our friend and neighbor, Darcy, Marvin, and Alexis, a volunteer from Canada who was visiting.
It was my first time visiting the north coast, and it was beautiful. I am always so blessed that God brings me to the ocean when I need to be reminded of His faithfulness and consistency.


Marvin enjoying his second experience at the ocean

Alexis, me, and Raúl at Triunfo de la Cruz

Darcy

Beautiful

Estefanny’s 14th Birthday


Fefi and Jonathan--they covered her in icing!

 

Dad and Samuel’s Visit
We had a great visit with my dad and Samuel in May. It was so great to be able to share my Honduran family with my US family, and my kids were thrilled to meet their grandfather and uncle. They provided a wonderful support while they were here and were able to love this very tired mama back to life. We took them to visit Jorge and Elvis and to Teen Challenge and painted the house and started a garden. But, mostly, we just spent time building relationship, which is often what we need here the most. It was an encouragement for Marvin and Josuan to feel loved and approved by my dad. And I can guarantee that Jorge and Elvis will ask about my dad and Samuel from now on. I hope that we were also a blessing to them. It was so nice to have them here and to have familiar faces to celebrate my birthday (and Raúl's) with me.



Fefi and Mami



Uncle Sam holding Josuan like a baby



Estefanny and Elvis

Jorge, Tío Sam, Fefi, Josuan, and Elvis

Dad in Teen Challenge

Tío Sam, Jonathan, Abuelo Joe, and Josuan

Mami Yessi and I

Estefanny and Josuan

Mami Yessi and her son, Cristofer

Lilli and Dad (She is the child Mom and Dad have sponsored through Manos Extendidas for several years.)

Lilli, Samuel, and Dad

Lilli, me, and Dad

Family hike up the mountain

Marvelous Marvin and Abuelo Joe

Happy to see those smiling faces

Elvis and I

How many Honduran boys does it take to take down one gringo?

Josuan, Elvis, Tío Sam, Jorge, Abuelo Joe, and Estefanny


My Birthday
I feel like 25 crept up on me, but it was a restful day. Raúl showed up at 4 in the morning with flowers, a giant gift, and a group serenading me, and he brought his family over in the evening for a surprise birthday party. It was nice to be able to introduce Dad and Samuel to his family since they’ve been a support for me.



Birthday celebration

Icing fights with Raúl. I think he won.

Personally, this time has been one of waiting for new direction. At the moment, I am not considering sending any more boys to Teen Challenge (unless God has other plans, of course). Teen Challenge has been a wonderful place that most definitely helped my boys, and I’ve been so grateful for the support system it has been for us. However, even the pastor readily states that T.Ch. is not the best place for kids coming directly off of the streets, and that it the population that weighs the most heavily on my heart. If I can be a liaison for families interested in sending their youth to T.Ch., I will gladly help. But, I want to turn more of my attention to how God would have me work with the street kids even if I don’t have anywhere to take them for the time being.

With that said, I don’t want to do anything without first taking the time to receive God’s strategy. Before my dad and my brother came and Josuan came home, I had let myself get so exhausted and empty. I didn’t feel like a person anymore. I was just whatever anyone needed me to be, and I didn’t even know how to have preferences anymore. This is a dangerous place to be in ministry and is definitely not the ideal. So, I’ve been taking some time to just be refilled and recharged. A lot of people don’t understand this and get frustrated because it often means I have to sit down, be quiet, and not run to the aid of every person who is convinced that I’m the one to help them. Sometimes, I’m the one who needs help and needs love and needs rest. It’s hard for me not to fall into the trap of letting ministry be dictated by the needs of others. The needs will always be there and ever-increasing. Thus, I have to let obedience to God dictate ministry. It comes back to stopping for the One who is the One. The whole point of life is intimacy with Jesus, and when we leave that part out, we bear no fruit. And, I've been pleasantly surprised to hear God ask me, "What is the desire of your heart?" This lets me know that while my aim is always to obey, that He does give me permission to dream and long for the very things He placed in my heart even if I haven't seen them yet.

Currently, the only direction I have is worship. God has been showing me that where I choose to put Him first and where I worship Him, He will give me that spiritual territory and the people in it. This is a novel approach since it outwardly makes no sense, doesn’t fit a five-year plan with a projection of results, etc., but He showed me so clearly that where my family worships, angels are beckoned to break strongholds in people who have long been in bondage. (It’s no wonder God granted me a family of worshippers.) So, this past Monday, we went exactly where God showed me— to the center where the street kids hang out, in front of a statue of an angel stomping Satan to the ground, in a courtyard of a famous Catholic church, and worshipped. We weren’t a big group—just Marvin, Josuan, Darcy, and myself. And we weren’t aiming to call attention (although with my being a gringa that seems sadly inevitable). We just stopped for the One and afterward stopped for any ones that God laid on our hearts. I have a feeling that this wasn’t the last time we’ll be doing this. God keeps telling me, “You need to learn what it means to be desperate. So, go and be with the desperate that they may teach you.” So, I’m aiming to go lower with no strategy but intimacy with Jesus and no agenda but the simple gospel of stop for the One and stop for the one.

I want to leave you with some thought-provoking things I’ve been reading:

From Supernatural Anointing by Julia Loren:
Also, when it comes to missions, what we have done is we tried to achieve something you can only receive. . . . Everything in the Kingdom can only be received, not achieved. One key to the anointing is learning to be a good receiver. There is a connection with the anointing and the presence of God where there is rest. That’s how we’re going to wear the enemy out, because resting is receiving. . . . You say, “Papa, I don’t know how to do this.” And He says, “Good, then you’re qualified. Then you need My anointing.” (204-205).

From The Road to Daybreak by Henri Nouwen:
Jesus always leads us to littleness. It is the place where misery and mercy meet. It is the place where we encounter God. . . . To choose the little people, the little joys, the little sorrows, and to trust that it is there that God will come close—that is the hard way of Jesus. . . . I now see clearly why action without prayer is so fruitless. It is only in and through prayer that we can become intimately connected with Jesus and find strength to join him on his way. (88-89).

God reveals his glory by moving downward. If we truly want to see the glory of God, we must move downward with Jesus. This is the deepest reason for living in solidarity with poor, oppressed, and handicapped people. They are the ones through whom God’s glory can manifest itself to us. They show us the way to God, the way to salvation. (98).

All of my love,
Sarah



Family of Promise

The new home for the Honduran Crickenberger family

Hello All,

As I write this newest update (sorry for my absence in March), I am sitting on a newly purchased (used) couch in the new house that the Crickenberger family here in Honduras is renting. After a year of Josuan and I praying together that God would provide our family with the finances to be able to rent a house for the family and then provide the ideal house in terms of location and space, here we are so unbelievably blessed and grateful. God is so good to my family that sometimes I am overwhelmed because I don’t feel like I deserve it. Our house is located within walking distance of Alvin and Nelly—we’re still those neighbors who can borrow a cup of flour whenever need be—and it’s near the high school soccer field but secluded with plenty of land for a garden and a mountain overhead for my boys to explore. They couldn’t be happier. After seeing where my kids have grown up—sometimes without electricity in an adobe house with no furniture or in a house the size of my US family’s living room/kitchen with up to 9 people spread among two beds and a cot—it was so special seeing the looks on their faces entering our house and watching them eagerly go explore the property. It was such a God thing that we came upon this house. I had been praying for quite a while, and Alvin had just asked me how the house hunting was going. But, although Marvin and I had been out looking, we hadn’t found anything available or suitable. Finally, one morning, I got up and was praying and just asked, “God, how long until our house need is met?” Later that afternoon, Nelly called me and told me that a flier had been posted about a house close to hers. We called the owner, saw the house, and loved it. To my knowledge, we were the first and only to inquire, and they took the flier down the same day. I feel like the house was made especially for us because it was recently finished, and no one has ever lived in it before us. It has three bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen, living room, and dining room.




The view above our house



Marvin, my little king of the mountain

Being in the house this last month has greatly helped create a real sense of family among us. This past weekend, I had Marvin as usual, Josuan on special leave, and Bladimir on his normal leave. I can’t explain how special it was to have Josuan pass by my kitchen window as he walked home from the bus or wake up Marvin Saturday morning or see Josuan and Bladi off as they went to play basketball at the high school court nearby while I made breakfast. Honestly, for the first time in moving here and living with my kids, I have found a sense of family identical to what I have when I’m with my family in the States. I used to go with Raul to visit his family and watch them be silly and play, hug and bother each other affectionately, and while they accepted me as part of their family, since I wasn’t blood-related, I was never going to have the confidence to interact with them as one of their own. This phase of life and loneliness was a perfect preparation. During the time before having my kids, I used to dream that someone was hugging me because I didn’t get that need filled in reality. I didn’t receive a lot of attention or affection from anyone. The loneliness was oftentimes unbearable, and at times, I felt like I could drop off of the planet, and no one in Honduras would even notice. It was because of that painful phase that I am much more empathetic towards my own children now and incredibly defensive when someone complains that I treat my kids as if they were my own flesh and blood. I know what that loneliness and lack of family feels like. If I can be a solution to their need, their own lack of family, their own loneliness, their own need to belong, after only getting a taste of what that pain feels like, why wouldn’t I?




Josuan, at home in his new house


Being a single, 24-year-old gringa living alone with teenage, ex-drug addict, etc. boys has brought a new round of criticism. I get a lot of comments from brave souls about how my kids shouldn’t feel so at home in my house, shouldn’t sit on my bed, shouldn’t feel so comfortable seeking so much affection from me, etc. But, this isn’t an orphanage or a transition home. This isn’t a project. They aren’t a file or a case. They aren’t patients. They’re not students. They’re not orphans. This is my home, and they are my family. That means I love them just like my family loved me. Anything less would be disobedience to God for me because He told me from the beginning, “Don’t hold back.” Being part of my family means that they know they can receive a hug whenever they need it. It means I reserve the right as mom to review their cell phones at a moment’s notice whenever I so choose. It means we share toothpaste and shampoo. It means we watch movies together and go to concerts together. It means they will have consequences if they backtalk me. It means we sing together in silly voices. It means we’ll share the duties of cooking and cleaning, and they will clean their room. It means they teach me how to make Honduran food and how to clean the pila, and I teach them how to be sensitive to a woman’s feelings. It means they tell me when the high school girls whistle at them, and I introduce them to French toast. It means they know that they have to tell me where they’re going, for how long, with whom, and when they’ll be returning before they can hope to get permission from me. It means that they don’t have to be afraid to cry in front of me or let me hold them whenever they’re telling me their most painful stories. It means we pray together and read the Bible together. It means that if they’re struggling with temptation or have fallen into a past bad habit that they tell me so that we can fight together. For many of my kids who have lived on the streets or raising themselves in orphanages, all of this protection and personal attention is very new for them. But, while they may argue with me from time to time, they also occasionally cave and tell me that they love being a mama’s boy and having someone who cares enough to demand to know their whereabouts.


Marvin, one of my mama's boys


Meanwhile, the business is at a standstill since the trailer needs some repairs, and we’ve had to rely on other people to being able to get those repairs done. I’m not worried about it. Sometimes, especially as North Americans, we’re so eager to be in action and productive, but I have learned that a lot of the greatest growth in my kids comes from the one-on-one time that we spend together. Marvin has had a lot of one-on-one time with me because he hasn’t been working. We laugh together a lot and cry together when he’s struggling. I listen to his stories, and I marvel at the work God is doing in his heart.

The ministry is in the final stages of preparing the paperwork to legally file as a non-profit, and we have an official name—Ministerio Familia de Promesa or Family of Promise Ministries. On our board are eight people: myself, Naty, Martha, Raúl, Alvin, Nelly, Pastor Mirna from our church, and Hermana Sandra, a friend of Nelly’s and of our family. The primary goal of the ministry is to work with street kids, orphans, and young people at social risk. But, along with working with that population, we also want to work towards restoration in their families. This is what God has been doing thus far in our family, and it’s the continued vision. We have big dreams, but our heart overall is that the fulfillment of the Gospel is very simple—stop for the one and love the one in front of you. We must stop and listen to God’s voice as to how to best love the person, but once we know, we shouldn’t hesitate to meet their needs. Often stopping for that one leads us off of “our strategic path” and into our divine destiny. “Stop for the one” is Heidi Baker’s motto, but it’s the mindset that I’ve adopted in being a missionary, and it’s what I teach my children. We have seen fruit of that simple intimacy with God, but it’s only just the beginning.


Along with these changes in home and ministry, we have a new addition to our family—Jonathan, Marvin’s older brother. Jonathan is my oldest at 19, but he’s also my smallest in size, even smaller than Josuan or Marvin. I get frustrated with God sometimes because He makes me seem so rebellious. Alvin had just told me as a piece of advice that I should restrict my sons to those under the age of 18 and those who have no biological family members. It’s sound advice, and I’m not at all against it. It’s only that I don’t govern my life or family or ministry with rules but with relationship and obedience to God in the moment. Thus, the very next day after receiving this advice, when Jonathan made the choice that he wanted to change and go to Teen Challenge, I couldn’t say no. I had to stop for that one too because it’s a soul at stake here. We took him with us twice to Teen Challenge to visit and get a feel for the place, and just from that span of time with my family, he already felt like one of us. Of course, he’s Marvin’s biological brother, but he’d also been in 21 de Octubre with Josuan, and they were already close friends, and he’d been in the juvenile delinquent center with Erick. He stayed the night on a Sunday night before leaving for Teen Challenge on a Monday, and just observing this child joke with Raul and Estiven and tell outlandish, half-true, mostly-false story after story, I couldn’t help but love this one. He is so special even if he is a nut. He just spent his first week in Teen Challenge, and he’s already calling Josuan his little brother (they live in the same building) and me “mami” and cried on Sunday because he couldn’t be with us. (The rule in Teen Challenge is that you can’t have visitors for the first month. It’s a wise rule because it’s a kind of de-tox and helps avoid the new ones coming off of drugs from manipulating their family members from taking them out of Teen Challenge.) So, even though I honestly didn’t envision sending more to Teen Challenge, here we are in the midst of another year and another adventure with yet another son.


Let me give you a quick update on my kids:
Marvin is about to finish his first round of Bible classes, and although I don’t know that he’ll pass all of his classes, he did learn a lot which is the ultimate goal. Some days, he’s doing really well, and it’s evident how much he’s healing. But, in the past couple of weeks, it’s been a real struggle with the usual street kid, manipulative behavior and low self-esteem. He has so much fear, hurt, and anger from his past that he’s still not ready to let go of. This often causes chaos in our house and our relationship, but while I’d like to give him his healing and liberation in an instant to have relief, I also know it’s not that simple. So, all I can do is keep loving and disciplining and praying and wait for God to do what only He can (and will) do. There are days where Marvin decides he can’t handle the pain of healing and wants to run away. On more than one occasion he’s started packing his suitcase to leave, but he always ends up coming to his senses, seeking me for a hug, and we decide again that we’ll keep fighting forward together. It’s not easy, and there are days when I don’t want to be a mami anymore. But, I just run to Jesus, and He fills me up again with his supernatural love, and gives me the strength for yet another battle.

Marvin and Josuan--brothers, best friends, and my two right-hand men

Josuan is doing so well although he is so desperate to finish his year. Watching his brother be with me nonstop, seeing God fulfill his prayers for a house, and being offered a carpentry job have spurred that desire to finish his year already. He is still my greatest help and support, so I will be happy to have him home as well. He is still serving as a junior leader/collaborator although he changed buildings. (Now he lives with Jonathan.) And, he recently started working in the carpentry shop again, which he is ecstatic about. He continues on the intercessory prayer team, and it’s undeniable that in his nearly 11 months of being in Teen Challenge and seven months of being on the intercessory prayer team that he has seen the miraculous ways that God has answered his prayers—first in healing me of H. pylori after ten months of inexplicable illness and now in providing our house. But, he’ll be out of Teen Challenge before he knows it and will be presented on Mother’s Day. I can’t think of a better Mother’s Day gift for this mami.

Jesús left us to go to visit his family, and to be honest, I didn’t expect him to return any time soon. But, a week and a half later, he was back, but it was evident that he was not doing well. I can’t see whether or not he got into drugs while he was gone, but he was not doing well. I had him working again with Raúl for a week. But, Marvin and I thought he was smoking in the boys’ room, and he often said he was going to rent the room whenever we moved to the house although he wouldn’t have had the money. He often didn’t want to work with Raúl and was going around saying lots of lies about me and his brothers. He kept saying that he was just going to leave again, and this time for good. But, he used this threat mainly for manipulation. It was evident to me that I was going to have to find a solution to his behavior before it became too much for me, a single mom to handle. So, I gave him the option of returning to Teen Challenge for a period of time or returning to live with his family because what he wanted was to live off of my finances but not obey my rules. Jesús was a difficult case because unlike Marvin and Josuan he wasn’t stuck to me like glue. He hadn’t really accepted me as mami, and in part, I imagine it was because he was a true orphan who grew up most of his life without a mother figure. Oftentimes, he was very jealous of Josuan and Marvin and the affection that we shared, but when I’d try to give him the same affection, he’d reject me. So, to be respectful, I didn’t keep trying as much. So, when given the ultimatum, he left, and we haven’t heard from him since. He doesn’t answer our calls, and he didn’t leave peacefully. Sometimes, I feel guilty about that and wish I could have fought for him more. But, the bottom line is that I can only truly help those who want help. If Jesús finishes his time of being the prodigal son and really wants help, we will receive him with open arms.

Bladimir has seven months in Teen Challenge, and I have seen a change in his behavior as if he has made the decision to want to change and that he wants to truly be part of our family. I had been encouraging Josuan to seek him out for a long time, and Josuan has been obedient. They get along well, and Bladi has sought Josuan out for love and advice as a big brother. This is a relief to know that Bladi is allowing himself to be part of our family, but it’s still a battle with his manipulative behavior. And, as is the case with all of my kids, he is incredibly jealous for my time and attention. But, I often feel like I can’t win. I set apart some one-on-one time for him (at his request) during his recent leave, and he spent it sleeping.
 

Bladimir

Last month, all of the things that Erick had been doing in secret came into the light. Lies he’d told came out into the open, and his mother and I spoke with his leaders. He received a month of punishment and without visits. And, while this provided a rest for his mother, now that the punishment is over, I can’t say that I’ve seen a change in his attitude although he is being more diligent in his studies. So, we’ll see what happens.

Estefanny is doing well although out of all of my kids she is often the most difficult for me to for whom to find time simply because she doesn’t live with me and Marvin is always with me. A few weeks ago, she was really struggling, and she finally texted me asking me to set apart some time for her because she felt alone and like she was battling on her own. I had already felt like she wasn’t doing well and was distant and that I needed to set aside some time alone with her which I was finally able to do. It’s very difficult to be in such high demand sometimes especially when time to myself is also a rarity for this introvert. But, she is now doing better. She has been sad that Jesús left, and I feel like she often blames me. But, Marvin has stepped up to be the new brother taking care of her, so now they’re inseparable.


Marvin and Estefanny and the concert

I visited Jorge and Elvis last month, and they’re doing well. They’re both studying, and they are often happy when I bring their brothers to visit them. They’ve now added another visitation day to the monthly schedule at the orphanage, so now it’ll be possible to see them twice a month instead of just once. I’m happy about that because it’ll be more time to help them feel like part of the family.




The Marco Barrientos concert


This past weekend, I took the whole family (except Erick and Jonathan) to a Christian concert. It was a reminder that we really don’t fit in my little two-door Tercel anymore, but I laugh and always ask my carful, “Everyone’s praying for the family bus, right?” And my can of sardines responds with a weary, bored, “Yes, Mami.” It was so much fun watching my kids enjoying their first ever concert, and it was so beautiful watching my kids jump and worship God together. At one point, the entire family was together in a chain of hugs, and Josuan whispered in my ear, “Thank you so much, Mami, for bringing me to the feet of Jesus.” This is what I live for. In the middle of dealing with jealousy and manipulation, competition and ungratefulness from my typical (and yet not-so-typical former street kid) teenagers, I find joy in those moments when it’s evident that God is still holding us in the palm of His hand. I tell Him often that we belong to Him, that He is the Head of our household, and that the desire of my heart is that He would make us an instrument in His Kingdom, a blessing to His heart, and an outpouring vessel of real love. Those small glimpses I get of what He is making us although we’re still undecipherable lumps of clay on the Potter’s wheel is what keeps me going when I want to throw in the towel. Josuan is my prime example that, while the ongoing fight with manipulation and demand for my time, pressure from my kids to be perfect when I can’t, etc. is exhausting, in the end, it is worth it. If they come to the feet of Jesus because of my love or really just because of His grace in my life, it’s all worth it.



Mami Yessica and Bladimir at the concert

This past Sunday, I had reached the end of myself. Almost all of my kids were on my case in uproars of jealousy and demands for my time and attention. After spending all day cooking for the Sunday meal with no help, all night dealing with a crisis with Marvin, and all morning from 4:45 AM finishing cooking and getting Bladimir and everyone else out the door to get him back to Teen Challenge before 8 AM, I was shot. The church service hadn’t even started, but I was already a puddle of tears with the leaders looking at me awkwardly and the pastor’s wife coming to give me a hug asking, “Why, Sarah, what on earth is wrong?” And, all I could do was laugh-cry and say like a small child fighting sleep, “I’m just so tired!” As usual, Josuan was the first at my side, encouraging me and telling me I’m a good mom and how much he loves me and appreciates everything I do, while his brothers and sister jealously glared at him. Next, it was Marvin with his head on my shoulder asking, “It’s my fault, isn’t it, Ma?” At the end of the day, what lifted me up out of my exhaustion was a fatherly hug from the pastor, hearing God tell me, “I don’t demand perfection from you, just obedience,” and a solid evening nap while Marvin did the dishes.

This is my family. Maybe it’s your family too. Maybe you have teenagers who wear you out just like mine, or maybe they’re toddlers. Maybe you feel like a half-dead mommy sometimes, and all you can do is cry because you’re so tired. But, let me tell you that you have a Father who does not demand perfection from you, mainly because He is the one perfecting His work in you. We do everything as unto the Lord, and even though we love our kids, He has to be our first love and first priority because everyone else will leave us empty. The bottom line is that when we operate with His love and His grace, He does what we cannot do. And, while it may seem that we fight the same problems in our kids over and over and over with no end in sight, real love will win. We may still be very rough around the edges, but we have potential. We're a family of promise.

All of my love,
Sarah

PS I want to take the time to say how much I love and appreciate my own mama and daddy, and how they helped make me the mother I am today. I am sorry for all of those times when I was ungrateful or manipulative and made you all feel like less than the wonderful woman and man of God that you are. I love you very much, and I thank God for how you raised me. You’re leaving your legacy on my kids here in Honduras. And, my kids and I are so looking forward to a visit from my dad and my brother in May!

This view awaits you!