Raúl and I spent our last month in the US both doing some last traveling and spending some quality time with my family. We celebrated our second wedding anniversary in July, so we took a trip to Raúl's choice--New York City. I had been to New York a few times before, so I was excited to check out some areas I hadn't previously seen. We crammed a lot into a few days! The Brooklyn Bridge, Battery Park, the 9/11 memorials, Chinatown, Chelsea Market, Washington Square Park, Koreatown, Times Square, and Rockaway Beach. We also managed to catch up with some Honduran friends from our neighborhood who are now living in New York. It had been two to three years since we had seen them, and I think it was both special and surreal for Raúl to see people he knew from his world now living in my world. Raúl was impressed by the design of the 9/11 memorials and was dazzled by all of the lights and energy in Times Square. Personally, Rockaway Beach was my favorite part. I hadn't stood in ocean waves in years, and it's as my dad says, the ocean truly does feel like a long-lost friend to me. The rest of our time in July was spent with my family and some friends. The goodbyes were hard, but we were greeted on Honduran soil by a dear missionary friend who came to pick us up. All in all, over three months, Raúl went as far north and east as New York, as far west as Chicago, and as far south as South Carolina. He made it to three major eastern cities--Chicago, New York, and Washington, D.C. And he passed through or stayed in twelve different states. Not bad for his first trip to the US.
There was some definite adjusting in coming back after three months. I have felt like most of August so far has been spent re-claiming my house and my space as my own and also developing a new routine and some new habits. It is nice to have a sense of stability and not live out of a suitcase. That stability has also made it easier to make some positive choices like being healthier in what we're eating as well as regularly exercising. My schedule has also shifted some. A few things have stayed the same--I'm still going to ladies' Bible study on a weekly basis which I so enjoy. I also am still teaching two English classes and have a day set aside just to meal prep and keep our house cleanliness under control. But I have also added some new things that I am excited about.
When I am in the US, I try to take a step back to take stock in what it is that God would have us do and how we are spending our time. This trip was no exception. Before going to the US, Raúl and I could already tell that we were tired and needed to re-consider the focus of our ministry. We felt a bit like we were on a never-ending treadmill of fielding needs and having to make decisions about how to handle those needs of others. In most cases, the needs weren't actually urgent though they were often presented that way, but rather, they were often the result of ongoing choices or other areas of life that really need addressed with something other than quick-fix monetary aid. As I was praying about this issue and how I knew our focus needed to shift back to ministering to the Person of God first, I started reading the book When Helping Hurts by Fikkert and Corbett. I truly felt like this book confirmed a lot of the convictions that I'd already arrived at and even better practically explained reasons for why it's so important not to confuse a need for emergency relief with an actual need for discipling rehabilitation or for maturity in helping others develop. In returning to Honduras, I have made the commitment to re-center our ministry on prayer and worship as priority. Too often, when we have quick-fix solutions to the problems of others that present themselves, it's easy to throw money at something instead of leading that person first and foremost into prayer and relationship with the Provider Himself. I think we have been guilty of this to a point, so God has shifted my ideas of what helping needs to look like for me as a missionary.
Some of the steps that I am taking during this re-centering are personal and look like waking up at five every morning to go run. Running has long been a way to spend time interceding and listening to God's voice, and it's a habit that I had neglected for a very long time. As a result of beginning to run again, I feel healthier not only in body but also in the security of my relationship with God as well as more confident in what He is doing in my life (even when I don't have much clarity as to what that is). Another way that worship and prayer have been incorporated into my life this month have been through some special worship at ladies' Bible study and joining in with the ministry of some missionary friends outside of the city who have started having weekly worship nights as part of interceding and wanting to bring God's transformative presence into their town. I feel privileged to be a part of that as I feel like it is awakening aspects of myself that have been dormant for a while. Another thing that Raúl and I are considering is starting a worship night in our home as our board members specifically requested this at our last board meeting before we went to the States. I like the idea, but I do want to be careful to safeguard this time as being a time dedicated to the Father. We have experienced so often that we can start something for the purpose of just communing with the Holy Spirit and worshiping, but soon, it shifts into ministering to people. Ministering to people isn't bad, but without God being first priority, we can fall into the trap of letting the needs of those around us dictate the direction of our ministry instead of letting God's desires for His Kingdom to be what reign. It's always a subtle shift, but it's one that inevitably leads us to burn out. So, I would ask that you would join me in praying that we would merely facilitate a place to worship God without getting side-tracked with good intentions from what needs to be the main thing.
Another conclusion that I reached shortly before going to the US was that I do want to get my master's in Christian counseling. I had been wrestling with that desire for over a year, truly just wanting to be sure that this was something that God was backing. I looked at lots of different online programs, but my sister actually found the Townsend Institute. If you've ever read any books like Boundaries, you might be acquainted with John Townsend who both wrote those books and also founded this master's program. Those books have been life-changing for me in so many ways, and their approach to counseling is what caused me to be interested in counseling in the first place. As a missionary, I feel like we are constantly encountering needs that should be addressed via counseling. I do the best that I can with what I have learned just from reading, but often times, I feel like my education is lacking in this department. Just to give you an idea of how necessary Christian counseling is to the mission field, let me just tell you that we have either seen or personally encountered cases of incest, sexual abuse, spousal abuse, child abuse, addiction, a lack of self-control in anything from managing finances to having affairs, marriage crises, family conflicts, a lack of boundaries, prostitution, gang involvement, etc. The list could go on and on. We do believe in God's capacity to supernaturally heal people, but we've also seen countless people receive a miraculous internal healing and not know how to steward it because they haven't been given the tools to continue to walk in wholeness that counseling would help to provide.
So, in deciding that I do want to apply for this program, I also crunched numbers. As it is currently, our income does not make going back to school possible as the two or three-year program costs $37,500 total (not including books and any additional graduation fees and the like). That's actually the cheapest online program that I found. I am also dedicated to not going into debt. God miraculously provided for my undergraduate studies, and much of what I've been able to do as a missionary has been because I have no student loan debt. So, I have decided to apply for a job with VIPKid, which is an online platform for teaching English to Chinese students. I have a few friends who do this job, and in analyzing what I could make, I believe that I could save enough money within a year to start my studies via the three-year track. I trust that God can provide, and I know that He often provides in surprising ways that are so beyond my efforts. But, I also want to be diligent in using the tools I already have in my hands to further my own situation as well. I am currently in the process of applying and getting approved to begin teaching. Because the hours are on Beijing time, I will primarily be teaching in the wee morning hours, which does not take away from my ministry responsibilities (but will mean I'll have to be much more intentional about rest and getting enough sleep).
While we are taking some time to get re-focused on God and His miraculous presence above all else, I already feel deeply that when God once again leads us to be more pro-active in ministering to people, I believe that it will be through counseling and through employment. So much of what I see in Honduras that I long to see transformed stems from not being empowered. It's important for each one of us to know how powerful our gift of free will is and how our words and actions collaborate with God to help us move forward in our callings. Often, well-meaning handouts do not empower long-term but rather continue a victim mentality. So, while I am unsure as to how it will look like, I know that I want to be a vessel to everyone around me--Honduran and otherwise--that encourages taking personal responsibility, using the tools and creativity that each one of us already has, and being faithful stewards of the free will that God has granted us. It's a beautiful thing when someone freely chooses to accept God's grace instead of trying to earn it. It's a beautiful thing when someone starts to recognize the authority and favor that they already have as children of the King. And it's a beautiful thing when people who have only ever known how to just get by start to thrive as they seek first the Kingdom of God in all of its abundance in love, provision, and divine challenge. It is my hope that doing VIPKid is also my part in modeling what it means to use the tools that God has already given me and to take responsibility for my own dreams as a step of faith in believing that God is on my side and delights in miraculously providing through numerous means.
In the mean time, our students are still doing well. Stef is enjoying most of her classes although she could probably use some extra prayers for her statistics class. And, we've been in some conversations with Brayan about what his dreams are and how we can help him take his next steps forward in education or job stability.
In just a few weeks, I will also be celebrating my eighth year of living in Honduras. Nothing about life here has gone as expected, but I've been reflecting on the importance of sowing and watering even if I'm not the person called to harvest. More than anything, I hope that God can say of my last eight years that I have been faithful and obedient (even when sometimes kicking and screaming about it). My greatest desire is not to build my own ministerial kingdom but to continuously place myself and even my ego on the altar so that His Kingdom can be established. I am thankful for each one of you who prays for us, supports us, and reads our stories. We are blessed by you, our brothers and sisters in Christ.
All my love,
Sarah
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