As much as I alluded to wanting to find my rhythm and routine in my last update, that has still been elusive. February has been a crazy month so far. I have felt a bit like a hamster constantly running on a wheel. January and February are always the heaviest workload months of the year because of administrative tasks like taxes preparation, NGO governmental reports, and the Honduran school year with all that entails. This year, on top of all of that, we have had the situation of Esthefanny's diploma (that we still haven't gotten, ladies and gentlemen!) and several other unexpected situations or blessings of visitors. It has just been a lot, and I have felt like I can't catch up. Everyone talks about mom guilt, but the truth of the matter is that I think it's something that all women go through whether they have kids or not. If I'm winning with serving my people, that usually means my house is a wreck. If my house is clean, that usually means that I'm behind on administrative stuff. If I'm up-to-date on administrative stuff, I probably haven't cooked for a week. The list goes on.
The temptation is to feel like I'm never enough. I could work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I think I still wouldn't get done all of the stuff on my to do list. If I'm not careful, that can lead to feeling like a perpetual failure. I look at my planner and the various things accumulating or getting pushed again and again, and I feel like I will never measure up. But, if nothing else this month, I have been learning how to shift my thinking. Brain chatter and those stories that we tell ourselves throughout the day are so subtle but so important. I am currently reading Who Switched Off My Brain? by Dr. Caroline Leaf, and although I'm only a couple chapters in, I can see that this idea of our thoughts affecting us so deeply is actually reinforced by science. So, I have started trying to be more proactive in taking captive my thoughts. When I have been up at 4am for VIPKID classes for nearly a week straight, and the internet connection is once again unstable, but there's nothing more I can do to fix it, I have a choice. Rather than get frantic and panicked or frustrated and angry, I've started taking a deep breath and telling myself, "All you can do is your best. You are doing your best, and that is enough." And I ask for God's grace. I am also trying to be more mindful of my habits in seeking refuge. When I can feel myself emotionally drained, I can try to distract myself with a podcast or a TV show in the background, or I can put on some worship music and let myself cry it out even as I'm cleaning or cooking. Only one of those options is actually constructive. When I am running on adrenaline due to lack of sleep and can't get my body to settle down, I have a choice. I can get desperate and upset and try to will myself to sleep despite my pounding heart and rolling mind, or I can get out of my own head by connecting myself to the Holy Spirit. I have started laying really still and saying over and over in my head, "You are enough, Jesus." It doesn't always work and isn't a substitute for setting boundaries to get actual rest, but it has helped. More than anything, I have tried to keep myself aware that in those seasons of running when we're tired is often when the enemy will strike the hardest.
So what has been keeping me occupied?
Adoradores 2020
There is a church here in Tegucigalpa that has worship as its heartbeat. It's been the most consistent church in my life, oddly enough, since moving here simply because they have always been an oasis and a place to hear God's voice. Most years, they host an event of extended worship in January. This year, they continued that tradition but did so more like a conference. Lindsey and I attended the three day conference together, and it was a precious time. It was special because the Holy Spirit was very present, and it was a great way to start a new year. But it was also special because Lindsey and I both received a lot of confirmations from God about our vision for ministry even just from what was preached about in the sessions from speakers from Brazil and Costa Rica as well as the pastors here in Honduras. It was also nice just to build some more history together in worshiping together and hearing the voice of the Lord while in the same place. I believe it set a good tone for the rest of the year.
Esthefanny's Diploma
Can I just be honest in saying that this has been a genuine spiritual battle? We feel like everything that has been able to go wrong has, and we also feel like we've been lied to more times than we can count. Already, her high school's negligence has caused her to miss the first semester of university, and we're still playing next semester by ear because we still don't have her diploma. They have made us jump through every hoop imaginable. The short story is that there was some corruption and bad administration that took place in finances at the school, but the school is now punishing the students for it and making it out like it's the students' fault. We finally are supposedly in the clear in proving all of our payments. But the latest (ridiculous) development or excuse that we've been given is that her pictures that had to accompany her graduation paperwork (that they accepted well over a year ago) did not show her ears. I kid you not. So, all of that to say, we've had numerous trips to the high school. We've been hung up on by the director. And, we're still in the fight. We so appreciate your prayers for justice and for that diploma to be released in Jesus' name!
The Saga with Josuan
In November, I received a message that Josuan was in Teen Challenge. Raúl, Esthefanny, and I went to visit him on the first Sunday that he was allowed visitors. It was completely surreal to revisit such a familiar place nearly seven years later, but I went with the conviction of believing the best about the situation and being willing to support Josuan with the hope that this would finally be the breakthrough. I had great hopes that I would be able to update you this month with the news that Josuan was still in Teen Challenge, but sadly, he left. Teen Challenge is not a perfect place, and it can't guarantee results. However, it was a stable place for Josuan, a place where I had hoped he could take the time and have the clarity to start addressing the deeper issues at the heart of his drug addiction. I believe that our behaviors are based more so on our experiences than even on our logical learning, and my limited scientific research backs that up. So, drug addictions, rebellion, self-sabotage, etc. are often mere symptoms of unhealed trauma or lies that we believe that are deeply rooted in our memories of our experiences. This is why I believe it's so imperative that we all get to the roots of our behaviors rather than trying to will ourselves to be better. I have long felt like this is what is truly lacking for Josuan, but I also know that that hard emotional/spiritual work won't even start until he reaches true repentance or the desire to be transformed. For so long, the cycle has been that he no longer wants to live on the streets and wants to have his own life and freedom, but he also wants to continue to do drugs and participate in behaviors and attitudes that will inevitably lead him right back to the streets. And, the biggest marker I see in the habitual cycle is a lack of humility and the false confidence that he can overcome his addiction by sheer force of will. Yes, the will plays a part, but so does community and the Holy Spirit and reconciliation and deep emotional healing. I won't lie--all of this is exhausting. If nothing else, I was encouraged by my willingness to believe the best in this attempt at Teen Challenge and leave the possibility open that the cycle may be broken. I still believe that the day could come when that would be the case, but I don't believe it's now.
An Update on Jorge
I can't go into this case too much because there are always two sides to every story, and I never know how complete of a story I am getting. All I can say is that Jorge is in a very unstable situation. He is practically living on the streets in the market and is looking for a job. And, I'll be honest, I don't know what to do with that. Similarly to Josuan, he has had many opportunities with various people and ministries even though those opportunities have mostly come from others and not from us. And, he is in the situation he finds himself in because of a series of poor decisions that he made. But, I feel deeply torn because he hasn't had the same kind of time and building of relationship with us that Josuan has had and because the longer he is in this situation, the more in danger he is to fall into drugs, to be abused, to be recruited to a gang, etc. Honestly, it's heart-wrenching. But, I don't have very many options for him especially because he has already burned some of the bridges that I had been able to connect him to in his previous times of need. I am keeping my ears open and my heart turned toward the Father asking what role I should play here or what He is doing in Jorge's life. As of right now, I don't have a solution other than to pray and know that God loves Jorge more than I do.
The Day to Day
This month, there have been some set parts to my routine. For starters, I have continued teaching classes online to Chinese students through VIPKID. I love the students, but the early morning hours are killing me. If I wasn't so busy with so many other things, it would be more manageable. But, between the hours and the recent lack of stability with my internet connection, I feel like it's not sustainable. So, there may be some changes in how I approach this job in the future because I'm technically an independent contractor and set my own hours. On Monday nights, we continue to have worship nights as a ministry. These times are special, and we feel God's presence in our midst. This month, we are starting to ask other members of the group to host at their houses or to participate in creating the song list. We want this to be something we all share. I continue to go to missionary ladies' Bible study on Tuesdays, and that continues to be a great blessing to me. Community makes all the difference. On Wednesdays, Lindsey and I go out to Ciudad España in order to help facilitate worship nights there in partnership with the ministry, One Day Revival. We have been encouraged by increased participation from those who attend, and we continue to work together to disciple the group in the basics of prayer and worship. On Thursdays and Saturdays, I continue to teach English classes. I have one class at level one and one class at level three.
Ministerio Familia de Promesa General Assembly and New Board
At the end of January, we had our ministry's anniversary celebration where we hosted a dinner and elected our new board members. It was a special time because it was the first time that Lindsey and I brought our two separate communities together to explain our vision for working together and the direction we feel God is taking us in. If nothing else, it was astounding to me to feel so surrounded by the Body of Christ and to recognize the healthy community God has brought into my life. It bears repeating--community makes all of the difference.
Visitors
This past month, we also had the privilege of some special visitors in our home. Last summer, I found an unconventional friend. There is a lady who has a ministry that seeks to encourage and support missionaries here in Honduras, especially focusing on the desires of their hearts. She lives in the US, but she makes a trip to Honduras yearly and has become good friends with many of the missionary ladies in my community. She and I became friends mainly via voice messaging back and forth after she read one of my blog posts that Lindsey had sent her. Over time, we have shared a lot of great conversations, and this month, I finally got to meet her in person! She stayed a night in my home, and it was great to finally sit down and have good conversation face-to-face.
Life here is always varied. You never know what you’ll get to be a part of. Three years ago, our North American friend, who was falsely accused and spent two years in prison awaiting trial, was released and went back to the US. Upon his release, he asked us to help a pastor who had visited the prison. The pastor was Carlos Montes, a man who faithfully visited the prison to preach to the inmates and a man who was rescued by Jesus during his own stint in prison decades ago. He lost his leg at the age of 25 and had walked with crutches since then. It took me a few months to investigate the options for finding affordable prosthetic limbs here in Honduras. But, I did find a nonprofit organization called Hope to Walk that gives out specially fitted prosthetics to those in need. It took another two years or so more to finally be able to fulfill the mission of getting Pastor Carlos a prosthetic leg because he is lacking his knee. Hope to Walk had to develop, patent, and fabricate a prosthetic specifically for those kinds of patients. But now, Pastor Carlos has his prosthetic and is able to do his job as a barber with much more ease. He and his wife came to stay with us during the fitting process, and they are great people! Our US friend pushed for a worthy dream, and we were blessed to be able to play a part in carrying it out. We were very encouraged by Pastor Carlos and his lovely wife and their testimony, and we feel like it was God who decided to cross our paths. As a side note, a granddaughter of Pastor Carlos and his wife had insisted that he keep the other shoe of each of the pairs of shoes that he bought because she dreamed she would see him walking on two legs. Out of the mouths of babes, my friends. God is good, and I can't tell you how much it encouraged my heart to finally see someone get a win.
Raúl with Pastor Carlos and his wife
Pastor Carlos receiving his prosthetic leg
As this month continues, I am clinging to God's promise from Exodus that His presence will go before me and that He will give me rest! I hope you are also finding rest even in the midst of what may be a busy season. I am learning to tap into that presence even in the hectic times and to speak life to myself even when I feel inadequate.
All of My Love,
Sarah
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