Ezekiel 47

Don't let them fool you--they do actually smile...just not in pictures.



The girls with our brother, Raúl

 Hello All,
It has been a while since I updated about anything, and I have now lived here for over a month. I can't believe how quickly time passes here (and really in general). I am slowly building a life here with more roots than before. It's interesting to shift from the attitude that I'll only be here for a summer or a couple months to really investing in making a life. Every day has the potential to be different in terms of where I'll be going and what I'll be doing. I love that fact about my life. With that said, there are some aspects of things that are helping me settle in. I have started painting my room here in the Eagle's Nest--a bright yellow to bring in more light, etc. It's like walking into a room full of sunshine. I love it. I have also been so blessed by Raúl who has so willingly helped me with everything--puttying the holes in the wall, painting, taking me to buy paint, etc. I am excited to finish so that I can move into my own space. I also have started running in the mountains every Thursday with Nahum. I love it. Even though when 4:45 AM rolls around, I dread exiting the warmth of my blankets, because I have the support of a running buddy, I go. And, once we finish, I love it and feel so much better throughout the rest of the day. I need to start running more than just one day a week though. It's all a process. Step by step. Little by little. Nahum also gave me my first lesson on the motor bike--until Roy butted in and took over, and before too long, Raúl wanted in on teaching me as well. There aren't a lot of women here who drive motor bikes, but they are so much more convenient than cars that I definitely want to learn.

I am always learning here and having to learn to depend on others which isn't always easy for me. About a week ago, I was driving Sally's van up to Nelly's house in the pouring rain, and ended up in the ditch when I moved over for pedestrians and didn't see that the torrential rain had washed out that part of the sand/gravel road. All I could do was call Roy who came down and helped for close to two hours with a bunch of his friends to tow me out of the ditch. He laughed and was having the time of his life being in charge and rescuing me--partially because he knows how much I hate asking for help and, yet, I had to rely on him. Then, of course, all of the neighbors came out to see the crazy gringa stuck in the ditch, and after laughing, they all helped. It was very humbling and hilarious. The car was fine, and to be fair, the neighbor told me that the same thing happens to others all the time. I was overwhelmed to tears with the love that God showed me in all of the kindness of the neighbors, Raúl who came to help in the midst of all of it, and Roy who was running the show. I am a very independent woman, so not having my own means of transportation, my own social life (other than my boys), etc. is a stretch for me, but it does make me depend on God (and others) more. Yesterday, I didn't wait for Raúl to come home before putting the second coat of paint on my room. He came a bit later and said to Mamí Sara about me, "This one won't depend on any man, will she?" I told him that it wasn't his room. It's mine, so it's my responsibility. Plus, I'm not lazy, so I'm going to do what work I can do. But, he does have a point. I hate asking for help and having to depend on others. If there's a way that I can do something myself, I generally will try to find it and do it. This isn't always the best quality to have, but I'm grateful for the patience that my boys show me. They're pretty good about letting me think I'm independent in the midst of quietly helping me. I am so appreciative of that.

I have also been so blessed by how God helps me in every detail of my life. I had a difficult couple of days last week. I kept coming to God and asking for Him to work in my heart and remind me of His love, to help me know that I am being obedient and that He approves of me. The greatest desire of my heart is that I am obedient to God. Nothing else really matters. As long as He approves of me, I am content. We have a traveling evangelist here from Canada who is having nightly meetings, speaking at the church, etc. We went to one of the meetings not far from Feeding Center #1. During worship, I just had my eyes closed and was once again, just surrendering everything to God, asking Him to work in my heart and assure me that I am following His will. All of the sudden, a little girl I had never met in my life was in front of me, rubbing my face and petting my hair. She jumped into my arms and stayed there for the rest of the night. There is nothing quite as sweet as the love of a little child, and what a beautiful demonstration of God's love that was for me. I felt so blessed by little, 5-year-old Kenia.

Church last Sunday was also very good. God obviously had my number. I love corporate worship, and as Mamí Sara and I often discuss, when there are struggles in our hearts that need a touch from God, it is usually in worship that God fixes those things wordlessly. Then, Chuck Price, the evangelist from Canada spoke from Ezekiel 47. As soon as I heard the text from which he was speaking, tears came to my eyes again because that passage has been on my heart since I got here. I keep hearing what Heidi Baker mentioned in the book I read--when the waters of the river of circumstances keep rising, we can either try to figure things out on our own, or we can come deeper into God's presence and depend more on God. Everything that was happening and continues happening is an invitation from God to come deeper with Him. When I look at circumstances with that mindset, I have peace and feel so privileged because the more difficult the circumstances, the more God is inviting me to come deeper. And, I so want to go deeper with Him--more than anything else.

This idea brings me to our latest challenge. Let me make clear--it is always a challenge to have the wisdom to deal with the girls in the Eagle's Nest on a regular basis. They are precious, and they do all come from difficult, terrible backgrounds. However, as is often the case in this country, they have also become skilled in manipulation for survival. It is so difficult to daily have the discernment necessary to keep from enabling our girls. We always want to treat them with godly love and compassion, but after many experiences, I have had to learn that we can never make assumptions about what God's love looks like for an individual. We always have to seek God as to what His love is supposed to look like specifically, how He means to reach a person. God lavishes affection on us, but He also disciplines us. Real love is not only candy, cookies, entertainment, hugs, new things, and fun. Real love is also counsel, correction, instilling work ethic, consistency of relationship, and high expectations for improvement amidst difficult life circumstances. God's love is the perfect demonstration of the love needed in this house, the love that we humbly try to provide. God is so faithful to provide our needs. When we are constantly conscious of His love, we recognize the sweetness like rainbows, little children, and affection from others as the fun part of His love. But, He also treats us as children--when we are disobeying, He allows us to have consequences even as He forgives us. Yesterday, two of our girls ran away in the middle of the night. They are now back, but in the midst of this upheaval, all of us in the house are in a place of deeper seeking of God because we recognize that in and of ourselves, we can't do anything. In and of ourselves, we don't have the wisdom we need to best love these girls. We want the absolute best for them, but we are wise enough to know that often what they think they want is not actually the best for them. All of us in the house want to go deeper into dependency on God, and the waters of circumstances are rising. We feel like we're at a loss, but at the same time, we trust that in our surrendered state, God is working in ways that we can't see.

Please keep me and everyone within the Eagle's Nest and the ministry here in your prayers. We are so desperate for more of Jesus. Only He can do the work in each one of the girls' hearts and lives. No amount of persuasion, etc., on our part is going to do touch their lives in the deep places as only God can do.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

It's All Spiritual...

Hello All,

The first time I ever came to Honduras, one of the guys from our team made a comment that has stuck with me since then: "It's either all spiritual, or none of it is spiritual." I very much believe that it is all spiritual, and we can either live with a deep understanding that there is a realm beyond our own and be participants as subjects in the Kingdom of God, or we can be commodities to be used by the enemy without our knowledge. I have no desire to be a commodity. Life is very real here. If you haven't been here, I don't know how to explain to you what that means necessarily except to insinuate that death is always so close that life takes on an entirely different light. Many people around here don't necessarily have time to worry about trivialities because they're too busy figuring out how to feed their families. The literal poverty is quite real, but in addition to poverty in the physical realm, the poverty in the spiritual realm is quite real (just as it is quite real in the US as well--and in some cases, worse). There are so many people here whose stories I know well, who have experienced terrible things, who are struggling to believe that there is better, who I look at and know very deeply that, in and of myself, there is absolutely nothing I can do to help them. I am quite poor in spirit because on a daily basis I am faced with the truth that as a human being, I am so helpless to do anything meaningful for the Kingdom of God. Yet, even as sometimes, I feel so heartbroken by so many attitudes and circumstances here, I am not discouraged because even in the midst of it, God is making Himself so real to me. It is a process of humbling. I will say frankly that well-intentioned people who think that they can come down here with their own strategies and ideas for how to help without abiding in Christ and taking the time to listen and seek His very best humbly, are crazy.

I look into the faces of the girls at the Eagle's Nest, even as they are lying to me sometimes, and I listen to the struggles of my adopted brothers and know that only Jesus is enough. But, that's the beauty of it--He IS enough. My advice, my ideas, my strategies, and my human love will never ever be enough to sustain these people who are searching for real love. It all has to come from Him. I have been so encouraged by reading the Heidi Baker book, The Hungry Always Get Fed:

What is this life all about? Is it about how many people we lead to Jesus or how many churches we plant or how good a person we have been? Or is it about being so hidden in the heart of our awesome, eternal God of love that we are swallowed up in Him, so that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us? . . . the reason that I am alive, is for this purpose and this purpose alone; to learn how to love like Jesus loved. . . . at the end of the day, what matters most is LOVE! I am trying to learn to be like Christ in every possible way, yet every day, I am seeing that Christ is already inside of me and He is happy to come out and make Himself known through me to the lost and dying world around me. . . . What is faith working through love? Simply abiding in Christ and letting the sweetness of His presence flow through us and minister to those around us who are lost, dying and desperate for God. It is believing that which Christ accomplished for us on the cross is enough to equip us and empower us to be bright, shining lights amidst a crooked and perverse generation. It is laying down our lives, so that the kingdom of God can come forth to the broken, the lost, the dying and the weak. (171).

Stop looking at your limited resources and start looking at the One who can multiply them. Stop looking at your life and thinking how insignificant it looks! Yield it to God, fully, totally, completely, and allow Him to multiply it. . . . As God worked in my life and taught me to live in His presence, eventually, I stopped looking at me. . . . Instead, I began dwelling in the secret place of God where my heart and mind were always focused on Him and not on me. I became so overwhelmed with who God is, that I stopped worrying about "me" altogether. My purpose became to keep my vision fixed on the beauty of Him, the glory of Him, the holiness of Him, the all-sufficiency of Him! . . . we cannot hold back from God. You cannot divide up your life, giving a bit to God and holding some back for yourself, just in case He doesn't show up. It's all or nothing! God doesn't do half-measures. You have to throw yourself into Him completely, holding nothing back. Then He is able to do the miraculous with your life. Then He can do what only He can do. (174-175).


This is the place I find myself. When I look at the circumstances, I am totally overwhelmed. Oh, but to look on the face of Jesus, the beautiful face of Jesus--He is so real. He is enough. I love worship, and for me, the best way to worship is to close my eyes to shut out any distractions. And, it is the same way in abiding with Christ. When I am heartbroken, I come to Jesus and ask for His eyes. I let Him draw me into the secret place. My favorite song right now is Jesus Culture's song, "Come Away."

Come away with Me. Come away with Me. It's never too late. It's not too late. It's not too late for you.


I have a plan for you. I have a plan for you. It's going to be wild. It's going to be great. It's going to full of Me.


Open up your heart and let Me in.

This past Sunday, I was just in worship at church and bringing before Him once again my own helplessness and the things I see here that have me heartbroken. I began to pray for God to stir the hunger and thirst for righteousness. With my eyes closed, God just began to show me that I was in the midst of the whirlpool at Niagara Falls where my brother and I visited only a month and a half ago. His hands were stirring the hunger and thirst for righteousness like a whirlpool. It is important to note that He was the one doing the stirring. No man in and of himself regardless of how great of a sermon, how sacrificial an offering, how intuitive a counseling session, etc. can stir the hunger and thirst for righteousness in the heart of someone else. Only God can do that, and it is only through this hunger that God's best begins to manifest in the lives of human beings. In the midst of this stirring, I was reminded of the river of God's presence in Ezekiel. As the whirlpool churned and the waters were rising all around me--waters of hunger and thirst for righteous and waters of difficult circumstances and heartbreak in the natural--I found myself dancing with Jesus, laying my head on His heart. I wasn't afraid of drowning because He was holding me. I was perfectly secure listening to His heartbeat.

The message of this image was continued in the scriptures from which Pastor Marcus spoke on Sunday--2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Habakkuk 3:17-19, and Deuteronomy 8:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10


And to keep me from being puffed up and too much elated by the exceeding greatness (preeminence) of these revelations, there was given me a thorn (a splinter) in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to rack and buffet and harass me, to keep me from being excessively exalted. Three times I called upon the Lord and besought [Him] about this and begged that it might depart from me; but He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]: for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength).

Habakkuk 3:17-19


Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord: I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation! The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army. He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility!
from Deuteronomy 8:


All the commandments which I command you this day that you shall be watchful to do, that you may live and multiply and go in and possess the land which the Lord swore to give to your fathers. And you shall [earnestly] remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you recognize and personally know that man does not live by bread only, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord. . . . Know also in your [minds and] hearts that, as a man disciplines and instructs his son, so the Lord your God disciplines and instructs you. So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, to walk in his ways and [reverently] fear him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills; a land of wheat and barley, and vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey; a land in which you shall eat food without shortage and lack nothing in it; a land whose stone are iron and out of whose hills you can dig copper. When you have eaten and are full, then you shall bless the Lord your God for all the good land which He has given you.

God knows what He is doing. While the circumstances and spiritual soil may seem tough, God is at work. He is stirring the hunger and thirst for righteousness. And, in His perfect timing, He will bring forth people who are ready to come to Him, ready to hear the truth of God, and ready to receive His love. Meanwhile, I am content that He is humbling me and that He is allowing me to hunger after Him. The greater my weakness, the more perfect His strength and ability to work through my life. The greater my hunger, the more space He can fill in my heart.

Please keep Honduras in your prayers. Please never discount the power of prayer to the ministry here. As Papí Alvin put it to me four years ago, it is the very life blood of the ministry. We cannot exist without prayer, without seeking God. If you are reading this, I would ask you to consider taking Joel 2:12 to heart in regard to Honduras:

Therefore also now, says the Lord, turn and keep on coming to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning [until every hindrance is removed, and broken fellowship is restored].

I so appreciate all of you who stand with me in prayer. I am unspeakably grateful.

All for Jesus,

Sarah

My Faithful Family

Mamí Sara and Raúl

Bessy and Julio with me and Grandmom

Bessy and Julio with Grandmom and Roy

My big brother, Nahun, and I

My girls--Blanca, Claudia, Mayra, Kimberly, and Quendy

Hello All,


Well, to update you, I have now received all the paperwork that I needed for residency. Now, the rest is up to the lawyer. I am grateful that everything that I needed to do is already accomplished. Now, I just need to wait.

The Least of These
This morning I was reading in Matthew the story of the servants and the talents. The story in Matthew 25 talks about being a good steward with what one has been granted. While reading this story, I was reminded of some very special people here who very seldom receive the recognition they deserve. These are the people who have stolen my heart because they are so faithful in the smallest things. They are the ones who are willing to be the least of these, who are willing to do any task they are asked to do without complaining or questioning or the need for recognition. They truly have servant hearts. One of these people is Mamí Sara. She is from Nicaragua, and she is the beloved mother of our house. She is such a wise woman and is constantly teaching me how to see with Kingdom eyes, how to discern lies from truth, and how to compassionately deal with the girls with unwavering, loving discipline. She is here in Honduras because God called her here. Her family, including her youngest daughter, lives in Nicaragua. I so admire her because she has been obedient to follow the call of God and is committed to being a mother to the girls for as long as God directs, and she is a mother to me as well.

The other people here who bless me more than I can express are really an entire family—Roy’s family. I have talked about Roy before because he is my best friend here; he attempted to visit me in the US; etc. However, I may not have mentioned how special his family is. Today, we had the distinct privilege of visiting Roy’s beautiful hometown of Tatumbla. It is a special pueblo with lovely people and gorgeous scenery. I love it there. Roy’s mother owns a restaurant, and because it is Honduras’ Independence Day today (the 15th), we went to Tatumbla to visit the Ramírez family and to see the celebration there that included a cultural fair and parades. Roy’s mother fed all of us and refused to let us pay (even though her restaurant is her livelihood). Roy’s sister, Waldina, works so hard helping her mother as does Roy’s brothers and Roy. They are kind people who serve others so tirelessly and effortlessly with the kind of generosity that melts your heart. Roy’s mother, Sonia, raised all six of her children more or less by herself. All of her boys have told me extensively of the great sacrifices that she made and how hard she has worked to ensure that they all were able to receive a high school education, and Waldina just graduated from college.

I am so grateful for this family and the way that they have made me feel at home with all of them. Roy and I have been friends for two years now, so I have gotten to know his family somewhat as well. Roy’s heart to serve has always blessed me, and he gets it honestly, as do his brothers. His brothers, Nahun and Raúl, are also my dear friends here. Raúl is like a protective brother to all of the girls in the house. He stays here often, and he’s told me before, “If you ever need anything, even if it’s in the middle of the night, just call me, and I’ll come help you.” Nahun is like my older brother. He is learning English, and he stops in every so often to practice, and we end up having impromptu Bible studies and talking about all kinds of things. These are the boys who do the thankless jobs, and any time you do thank them, their response is always, “it’s a pleasure,” or “I’m here to serve.” Roy was the one who painted the room where I will be living. Roy is the one who goes almost every single day to the house of Julio and Bessy to get Julio out of bed and into his wheelchair. Without Roy, Julio, who has muscular dystrophy, would spend every single day in bed. Roy is the one who takes and picks up Alvin’s daughter at school every day. Raúl is the one who takes us to church or on errands, who fixes the car, who advises the girls, and who willingly will drop everything to help at a moment’s notice. They teach me so much simply by being them. These people are wonderful, living representations of Luke 16:10:

He who is faithful in a very little [thing] is faithful also in much.

Though they may not be in the spotlight and never demand recognition, without them, so many details of the ministry would not be carried out.

I so look forward to the way that God will reward my beloved friends here and the ways that He is going to promote them and bless them and give them more responsibility within His Kingdom. Their humble hearts and willingness to serve touch my heart and undoubtedly touch the heart of God. Please pray for these amazing people and understand in your own hearts that it doesn’t matter whether you receive the approval of men or seem important. Those who are first in the Kingdom of God are the ones who are willing to become the least of these.

La Vida Catracha
Life here is always an adventure. I am very proud of how my grandmother handled herself during her stay here. She left today with a heightened sense of peace about where I am. I think she knows in her heart that I am not alone here. I have adopted family here to love and take care of me.

Meanwhile, I am so excited about this adventure that has just begun. In the past couple days, I have found myself just laughing with God in so many moments—as I randomly rode a horse through Tatumbla with the guide of a neighborhood boy, for example. (A gringa galloping on a horse draws a good bit of attention, let me tell you.) I also had my first try at translating during a church service. It was hilarious and a perfect reflection of a recently found John Donne quotation: Humiliation is the beginning of sanctification. I have been so privileged to become a part of a family here. I love the privilege of taking the car to pick up my little sisters from school. In the midst of chattering at the dinner table and moving buckets around to catch the rain water from a leaky roof, Raúl collecting my dishes to wash them and Tía Sally using her Spanish vocabulary, I can’t help but overflow with love for my family here. I am truly blessed. I am so eager to learn all that I can about Honduran life, and I am blessed to have amazing, patient teachers.

Laundry
One last parting thought…

Laundry in Honduras has always been a favorite aspect of life here. Catrachos (Hondurans) wash their clothes by hand in a pila, which is kind of a large cistern that partially is covered by a cement washboard. They then hang their clothes in the sun to dry. I finally learned (because of the guidance of Blanca) how to get all of the soap out of my clothes when washing. For two years now, I have returned to the US with soap streaked clothes, but now, I can wash even black pants with no soapy streaks remaining. Washing can take quite a long time because every single article of clothing receives direct attention. Every sock, every shirt, every pair of pants are individually scrubbed and rinsed. As I was washing and meditating, God just reminded me that this is how it is with His children as well—He is a very personal God who takes the time to deal with each of us individually. He knows exactly what we each need; He doesn’t treat us all the same or direct us all the same or speak to us all in the same way. He is a creative God, and I believe that He calls us to deal with others with the same personal, creative love that He demonstrates to us. I say all of this because, for me, it was a good reminder to have patience with others. Just as washing takes time, God’s purification of all of us takes time. Just because we don’t see the difference immediately does not mean that God isn’t working in someone else’s life. I am grateful that He is a God of the details and that He cares about every thread in the fabric of our lives.

Lots of love,

Sarah

Can't Take My Eyes off of You...

Roy boy and I at Mayra's birthday party

Mayra cutting her birthday cake

The Honduran birthday tradition is to have the person bite the cake and then shove their face in it. This moment is captured here.

My beautiful little sister, Quendy



Grandmom with Quendy and Kimberly

  Hello from Honduras!
Well, I have officially been in my new home for a week, and what a busy week it has already been! Let me give you a rundown of some of the highlights:

Street Ministry
The first night I was in Honduras, I went with Papí Alvin, some Hondurans, Chad and Trina, and some volunteers from the US to do street ministry. It was absolutely the best way to start my life here as street ministry is so close to my heart because it is sitting with the poor. During the evening, I sat with Heidi (Hay-dee) , a 23-year-old young lady with two kids who was sitting off to herself; talked to Daniel, a young man who talked to me about my occupation and why I’m in Honduras; and held a girl who was very high on glue, trying to help her eat as she smeared beans all over my arms wide-eyed. The heartbreaking highlight of the night, however, had to have been visiting the older people who live on the streets. They were already asleep, but Papí advised us to wake them up to give them a sandwich and some Koolaid. The man who I woke up completely stole my heart. This 45-year-old man was so childlike as he told me, “They hit my head. They tried to kill me while I slept,” as tears streamed down his face. He rubbed the back of his head and showed me the gash where he had been hit with a bottle. He let me pray for his head, and afterwards, I just sat for a while listening to his stories—about how his best friend had been murdered, about all the murders he’s seen on the streets, and about his parents. When we left, he said he’d never forget me, and I never want to forget him either. I have come to value a literal touch. It is such a privilege to sit with the poor, to touch them skin to skin so that they may feel the presence of another human being invading their current condition.

Yuscarán
The second day my grandmother and I were here, we had the distinct privilege of going with a new couple from the church here to Yuscarán, a small town south of Tegucigalpa, the capital, where I live. For some time now, they have been going to the mountains outside of this small town in order to minister to some people who live in poverty and don’t have electricity. Many of their children cannot go to school because they must work to help feed their families. The area reminded me a lot of my students in Chiligatoro, Honduras, from last summer. We took the girls from the Eagle’s Nest as well as some others from the church and also crammed various townspeople and children in along the way to reach the destination where they hold their services—32 people in all in a 12 passenger van. The place where they hold their services is far away from civilization in an area where there are large rock slabs where the people can sit, and we could set up a generator and a microphone/speaker system. The people were so precious. We had a praise and worship service that consisted of dancing with the children in the middle of the road and just entering into God’s presence. It was awesome. Then Papí Alvin shared a message. Afterwards, we visited with the people as a bit of rain began to fall and handed out clothes, shoes, and food—all provided by the Honduran couple, Martha and Natí, who have taken on this endeavor of their own volition and out of their own pockets. They are amazing, beautiful people, and I felt so privileged to be a part of their ministry. I look forward to when I can go with them again. They go every 15 days, and the people count down the days until their return.

Residency and Settling In
While most things in Honduras can take a very long time, especially when related to the government, it seems that my residency perhaps will not. Papí has a very good lawyer who is going to be filing my paperwork and residency application. He is a godly man who prays before every job that he starts and who is very helpful and accommodating. This past week was a frenzy of paperwork gathering before Papí left to spend some time in Nicaragua. Thus, much time was spent zooming around on the motor bike from office to office getting needed signatures, pictures, and the like. I now have my own bank account here in Honduras, and as soon as my Honduran background check comes through on Tuesday, I will have all the paperwork I need for my lawyer to start the residency process, which he says shouldn’t take longer than two and a half months. If you’re ever in need of getting Honduran residency, I could now help you out! Another adventure has been driving. Once I get my residency, I have 90 days to take my driver’s license exam to receive a Honduran license. Until then, I can drive using my US license, which I have also been doing somewhat. I drove to the church with the van full of my girls, Grandmom, and Mamí Sara. I thought Grandmom was going to pee her pants, but when driving an automatic, the traffic doesn’t scare me after having driven in numerous major cities. (I mean we only almost hit a bus, a taxi, etc. … not because of my driving but because that’s just the way the traffic works here.) I will, however, say that I need some practice with a stick shift before I’m road worthy or prepared to take a driver’s exam (you have to use a stick shift). The last part of settling in has perhaps been the easiest thus far—living at the Eagle’s Nest. I lived there last summer, and three of the girls who were like my little sisters last summer (and two from the summer before as well) are still here. I absolutely love my girls—Quendy, Mayra, Claudia, Blanca, and Kimberly—and I feel so blessed by how they and Mamí Sara have accepted me into their home and daily life. I have been so blessed to already be able to listen to the struggles they have, help them with math homework (trying doing that when you don’t know math vocab!), and share late-night giggle sessions. Mamí Sara, as always, has been so wonderful in easing my transition and in making me feel at home. She is truly a wonderful woman, and I am so blessed to have to counsel me, teach me, and encourage me. In some ways, I feel completely prepared to be here because of my past experience—handwashing clothes, eating rice and beans, speaking Spanish, etc. are completely normal for me. But, at the same time, there is still SO MUCH for me to learn! I am so eager to learn whatever I can from whoever is willing to teach me. I am excited for how this adventure unfolds on a daily basis.

Lessons
The greatest lessons so far have been primarily in ministry and are things that God teaches me in the quiet of daily life. He continuously reminds me that every element of life is spiritual—from sickness to hostility between the girls, from fear to worship. It’s all spiritual, and now, more than ever, I need spiritual eyes to guide me in making choices that reflect the deep belief that God’s Kingdom is reality and the most important thing in life. Surrounded by so much emptiness, darkness, sin, and past pain, I am so awake to the truth that there is absolutely nothing I can do within my own strength. Nothing. I could strategize all day long about how to counsel young people to make right choices. I could fundraise until I’m blue in the face trying to raise money for the poor. But none of that is ever going to hold any fruit if it is not God’s will and His best. Furthermore, as my dad and I were recently discussing, the Bible says in Matthew 26:11, “For you always have the poor among you, but you will not always have Me.” (Amplified Version)


Now, more than ever, I know the importance of coming to God helpless in prayer, confessing the pain and poverty, the sin and darkness, before Him and admitting that there is nothing I can do. When I look at the circumstances, I am absolutely overwhelmed. When I try to even think of how I could fix anything or make a difference on my own, I am consumed and stressed. But when I draw near to the Father and put my eyes on Him, all of that stress melts away. There is still a lingering sense of urgency, but it’s an urgency of prayer and spiritual warfare—not busyness. I take rest in my Father and trust that He is changing me from a Jacob (a trickster or deceiver) or an Esau (a doer) to an Israel (one who knows that it God who strives, not me). It’s not always and easy process, but my First Love is so beautiful. I have once again come to find Him in every detail of my day—from chrysanthemums to tamalitos, from motor bike rides to fuzzy blankets. I am so privileged to be here and be a part of what He is doing. The current song I’m stuck on may seem like an odd choice, but it warms my heart each time I listen to it. It is Damien Rice’s “The Blower’s Daughter.” I cry with joy nearly every time that I hear the lyrics, “I can’t take my eyes off of you,” because I really can’t take my eyes off of Jesus. He is so beautiful.

I leave you with these words from the Heidi Baker book I am currently reading called The Hungry Always Get Fed:

Ministry to the poor involves vastly more than becoming a provider of food and clothes. It means much more than healing bodies and generating wealth. Bringing the kingdom means a supernatural kindling of that most fundamental quality of revival—a hunger and thirst for righteousness. (131).


But when all hell breaks loose you have a choice. You can either go deeper into the river of God’s presence or you can retreat from the water and try to figure out what to do in your own strength. . . . The deeper you get into the river of God’s glory, the more you discover how good He really is. He turns out to be so much more beautiful than you can imagine. Don’t worry today if you feel you are in over your head. Something fresh and powerful can begin to flow through your life when you allow yourself to soak in the river of God. Surrender to Him and let the river flow! Go deeper still. (140).

All of my love,

Sarah

Grandmom with Roy boy...Don't be fooled--he's standing on his tip-toes

Everything I Once Held Dear, I Count It All as Loss

The Liberty Bell

LOVE Statue in Philly

Brotherly love wth my brother, Sammy

A little piece of home in Philadelphia

The farmhouse where my dad grew up

I am so excited to see these people (Roy and Mamí Sara)!

Hello All,
It's obviously been a while since I've updated. The rest of the trip with Samuel finished well, and I've just enjoyed time being home, recharging, and packing. I have less than a week until I move, so I am in full-fledged packing mode.

To finish the trip updates, let me say that Samuel and I left from New York and headed to Philadelphia. We really liked Philly. We stayed in Apple Hostel in the older part of the city, and it was probably the nicest hostel I've ever encountered. We enjoyed walking around the city, seeing the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, and the like. We also found a free outdoor jazz concert at Penn's Landing along the river which was really enjoyable. Once again, I couldn't help but feel like God was serenading me as the sun set over the water, and the moon was rising. After the concert, Samuel had his first adventure with making a new friend who wanted help, "Mister." He was a drunk guy stumbling around asking for food, so Samuel and I hung out with him for a while. My brother and I both agreed that meeting "mister" (that's all he'd tell  us his name was) was one of the highlights of our trip. After letting Sammy take pictures with the Rocky statue and run up the stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum, we headed to Washington Crossing to meet up with a friend who used to live in Philippi and to see Heidi Baker speak. There is a lot I could say about that amazing experience, but I'm not sure how to explain other than to say that it was the perfect last stop in a summer of road tripping. She spoke from Colossians about how God wishes to not only give us faith and blessings but also patience and endurance. She also mentioned that the best news of that passage is that God qualified us. It was a perfect word for me as I move, knowing that I am entering a new adventure that I will also entail much development of patience and endurance. After praying all summer really wondering if I am truly prepared for everything I am about to do and see and be a part of, it was such a God-given comfort to be reminded that God has qualified me in a way that no seal of approval from another human being ever could. After the service, we had a very long drive home and ended the road trip around 4:45 AM on the 14th.

The summer was absolutely amazing, and I feel so blessed that I was able to travel to so many amazing places. I wondered toward the end of the trip what God's purpose was in the trip because it's not like I had any super spiritual agenda in traveling. Many people assumed I was going to drum up support for moving, but that simply wasn't God's leading. In fact, as I prayed about what God had done during the trip, I found that one of the biggest purposes was just draining me of me. The fact that God had me spend money not on something overtly spiritual (which would be much easier for me and easier to justify) or on others, but on myself simply out of obedience, was very difficult for me. But, it also taught me that my reasoning for doing anything should be obedience and out of dependency on and trust in God--not because it logically makes sense to me or others. God provided for this trip every step of the way, and as I'm about to enter a missionary lifestyle where I don't have a steady paycheck or the illusion of security in many ways, this was the exact preparation that I needed. It was difficult and stretching, but God proved to be so faithful as He promised He would be in His Word. It was also a summer where God was once again leading me into an even deeper love for Him and wonderfully lavishing His love on me. Brennan Manning helps me explain this sense in his book, The Rabbi's Heartbeat:
Coming to interior stillness requires waiting. Any attempt to hasten the process only stirs up the water anew. Guilt feelings may arise immediately. The shadow self insinuates that you are selfish, wasting time, and evading the responsibilities of family, career, ministry, and community. But silent solitude makes true speech possible and personal. If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. . . . When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. (42-44).

Recently, I headed to the farmhouse where my dad grew up and where we had stored many things after our move ten years ago. The farmhouse has always been synonymous with my childhood since we used to go with my grandmother and cousins during the summers or with my parents to camp and tube down the river. I hadn't been there in years. As I drove away from the farm with boxes of childhood in my car, I began to cry, but it was a sweet cry. I just began to offer all of my past things, memories, and self to God as an offering. Here are my very first fruits, Papa. May they be pleasing to You. I am so pleasantly at rest. Parts of this life change are undoubtedly going to hurt, but my eyes are on Jesus. He's my hiding place. I am secure in His ultimate good and excited to see what He wants to do. I have no plans or expectations of my own. It's all mystery and open horizon.

Going through the boxes of my childhood (I kept everything!) was fun and encouraging because in the midst of that continual wonder of whether or not I'm prepared to move, I was able to see how God's been preparing me since I was very young. Ultimately, the best preparation has been realizing that all the preparation means nothing if my eyes aren't on Jesus or if I'm not saturated with His presence. And in the midst of loss and goodbyes, I have come back to Luke 14, which is entirely a good chapter, but here's an excerpt:
If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his [own] father and mother [in the sense of indifference to or relative disregard for them in comparison with his attitude toward God] and [likewise] his wife and children and brothers and sisters--[yes] and even his own life also--he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not persevere and carry his own cross and come after (follow) Me cannot be My disciple. . . . So then, any of you who does not forsake (renounce, surrender claim to, give up, say good-bye to) all that he has cannot be My disciple. (Amplified Version)

And, my heart's cry, as a friend so appropriately sent to me, is Philippians 3:8:
Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs) in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One). (Amplified Version)  

Naomi and I watched the movie, The Help, last night. It was a good movie and particularly appropriate for me at this time. I like the message and truth that when someone is willing to be courageous and take a risk, it empowers others to be brave risk takers as well. Life with Christ is always a beautiful risk, and I only hope that my impending life adventure spurs others on to have their own. I am in a most joyous state of brokenness as I receive phone calls from Mamí Sara, e-mails from Roy, and text messages from Papí Alvin. I have waited for this move for four and a half years; I am indeed ready to go home.

Waiting for my real life to begin (there's not much longer to wait now)...
Sarah

New York, New York



A rainbow hovering over Narragansett Beach, Rhode Island



Downtown Providence, Rhode Island

A sign in the Upper West Side of New York City...I doubt my Honduran friends could drive here without getting a penalty! Anyone who has driven in Honduras should know what I'm talking about...

Sunset in Riverside Park

Times Square

Rockefeller Plaza

Hello from the Big Apple!


We enjoyed Boston—actually, Samuel is convinced that Boston is one of his new favorite places. It poured the rain the only full day that we were there, but we ventured to the North End anyway. We stumbled upon an Italian festival for a Catholic saint, and we saw the North Church, the Paul Revere statue, and a few other attractions of the area. By the end of our exploring, we were absolutely soaked. Hilariously enough, as soon as we emerged from the parking garage, the rain went away, the sky cleared, and the sun came out. We drove by Fenway Park just so Samuel could see it and then headed back to Cambridge where we were staying. Samuel played basketball with some neighborhood guys (which I’m pretty sure is the biggest reason he thinks Boston is one of his new favorite places). The next morning, we got up and headed to Rhode Island. For whatever reason, Rhode Island is a state I’ve wanted to go to for a long time, and I will gladly say that I really liked it. We stayed at Fisherman’s Memorial State Park which is not far from Narragansett Beach. We set up camp and then headed to Narragansett Beach which was very beautiful with some pretty large waves. It was raining some of the time we were there, but after a while, the rain stopped and left a beautiful rainbow just hovering over the water. I’d never seen anything like that before. It started to lightning eventually, so we headed back to camp where we ate refried beans from a can and tortillas. I still stand by the fact that this is one of my favorite meals. I am just as happy eating it as I am eating in some fancy restaurant.
The following day we got up and went to Scarborough State Beach. It was very busy, but the skies were pretty clear. We played in the ocean, and Samuel, stubborn child that he is, refused to put any sunscreen on, which resulted in a terrible burn all over his body. I can’t say that I don’t understand—it used to be that just about every summer, I’d convince myself that if I just let myself get a little sun, it’d turn to a tan. This simply is not the case for me, but it took many burns for me to finally accept myself as the pasty, white kid who needs to bathe in sunscreen. I will, however, say that his learning of this lesson was not the greatest of timing. After Scarborough, we headed to Providence. I really like Providence. We walked around a lot around the downtown area. It was very quiet but also pretty despite the overcast clouds and occasional rain. Samuel and I caught a movie and had some dinner at Providence Place mall—probably the largest mall Samuel’s ever been to except maybe Multiplaza in Tegus. After the movie, we headed back to camp. It poured the rain the whole way there which did not bode well for sleeping in the tent. Samuel, with his burn, could only sleep sitting up anyway, so he was already planning on sleeping in the car. Thus, it was just me in the tent with the pouring rain. Our campsite was all pretty much downhill, so water was seeping in the front door of the tent. After fitfully trying to sleep, all I could think about were the people who live in the dump in Tegucigalpa. There’s an entire rainy season in Honduras, and they have no where else to go except their little shacks made out of cardboard, plastic scraps, and the like. There is no shade from the sun and no reliable shelter from the rain. I can’t imagine what that feels like. I know that humans are able to adapt to many things, but I had the comfort that I could go into the car if need be, and eventually, I wouldn’t have to be camping anyway. It put the stupidity of self-pity into perspective for me.

The next morning, after everything dried out, we headed to New York, where we are now. We’re staying in Queens, but we went to Manhattan last night and will likely venture there again today. Sammy was so convinced months ago that we was going to love New York even though I cautioned him that it’s not everything it’s cracked up to be. It’s a cool place to experience (Spanish Harlem is my favorite), but it’s also tiring and overwhelming. After five hours of walking and exploring and subway riding with his all-over sunburn, Samuel was dead tired. Ironically enough, after navigating us to Queens, driving in New York City traffic, navigating the subway and the Upper West Side, finding my way in Times Square and Rockefeller Center, we got lost walking from the subway station in Jamaica to the house where we’re staying. For the most part, though, all of this traveling has sharpened my sense of direction and made me a better driver. It has also made me braver. If I can pick up and go to New York City, what’s to stop me from picking up and going to another city in another country? One of the lessons of this trip has been that if God says to go somewhere or do something, you just have to do it because you can.

Heidi Baker often says there is no “no” left in her for Jesus. I learned a while back that that doesn’t just mean that she can’t disobey God when He tells her to do something. It’s not just a matter of will; it’s also a matter of ability. She can’t tell Him, “no, I can’t do that,” if He tells her to do something even if it seems absolutely impossible. It’s true for all of us because the point is dependency on God. This is a lesson that has me in its grips at the moment although it’s a lifelong, ever-renewing lesson, I know. The closer I get to moving, the more loss I experience, and the more of myself has to die. I only want to be obedient. Being obedient means being out of control, though, and often, I find myself asking God for the bravery to trust Him with all things rather than relying on any illusions of my own control—I don’t have any. A song that speaks to where I am right now is “Empty Me Out” by Telecast:
Empty me out, fill me with You
Lord, there is nothing I can give to You
I lay down my life
Here at Your feet
You give me life so completely
So completely


I died with You, was buried with You
The moment I believed
I rose with You, ascended with You
Into the heavenlies

Lord, it’s not me
It’s You inside of me
Jesus, You are all these eyes can see
Lord, it’s not me
It’s You inside of me
Jesus, You are all that these eyes can see

In the midst of the stretching, I have received so much comfort from testimonies and stories from other faith-filled missionaries who live dependently on God. In addition to Heidi and Rolland Baker, Corrie ten Boom and her book Tramp for the Lord have been major encouragements. Her stories are convicting and thought-provoking. For example, after she was permitted to leave Ravensbruck, a concentration camp during the Holocaust, God directed her to travel the world telling others of Jesus. Eventually, God told Corrie that was not to ask anyone for money or support but that she should depend on Him to supply her needs. Here is an excerpt from Tramp for the Lord:

God takes His prohibition of asking for money very seriously just as He means it seriously when he says He will care for and protect us. However, if we seek to raise our own money then God will let us do it—by ourselves. Many times we will be able to raise great amounts of money by human persuasion or downright perseverance in asking. But we will miss the far greater blessing of letting Him supply all our needs according to His own riches. (85-86).

I know that many missionaries would argue her point, but I think she is absolutely right. Furthermore, I believe what she’s saying is biblical. One of the scriptures that stuck out to me during my first summer in Honduras was in Matthew 10:9-10. I think The Message puts it best:

Don't think you have to put on a fund-raising campaign before you start. You don't need a lot of equipment. You are the equipment, and all you need to keep that going is three meals a day. Travel light.

From here on out, I believe my position on fundraising is simple—God will supply all my needs. I am not at the mercy of the purse strings of other human beings. If I have a need, I will make it known to my Father and throw myself on His mercy. He will always show me what to do, and He will provide according to His will (not mine) because either the Bible is true and Jesus is right, or the Bible is a lie, and Jesus is a liar. I choose to trust and depend on my loving Heavenly Father.

Meanwhile, tomorrow will make only 3 weeks until I move to Honduras which is astounding. This summer went by so fast, as I knew it would! Samuel and I have only 2-3 days on the road after this one, which is good because he is ready to be home already. Once home, I begin the frenzy of seeing people, going through the remainder of stuff, and packing, packing, packing! I’m excited—I want the adventure to begin!
I’m waiting for my real life to begin…

With love,

Sarah

Something Better

Hello All,

Well, Samuel and I are about halfway through this trip, and after so much traveling this summer, the lessons of the road are beginning to surface. At the end of the school year, God really opened my eyes to the story of Jacob wrestling God as I explained in an earlier entry: http://confessionsofaragamuffin.blogspot.com/2011/05/jacob-wrestling-with-god.html
I knew from the weight that this story and its revelations carried that this summer would be a time for God to teach me how to stop being an Esau--a doer--and to be an Israel--someone who allows God to strive. Furthermore, the story of Ruth was so important to me at the end of the school year as well and during the trip with Gabrielle. God made it clear to me before the summer began that I was to undergo a time on the threshing floor where He would be separating the wheat and the chaff in my life, the things that are relevant and useful for His Kingdom and the things that need to be discarded, the distractions. Looking back over this entire year to last summer, I also recall that I knew that God was teaching me to want something better. Elisabeth Elliot indicated her journey through this lesson in her book, Passion and Purity:
My heart was saying, 'Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long.' The Lord was answering, 'I must teach you to long for something better.'
This has undoubtedly been the case for me over the past year. Every idea I had for myself and my future has been completely turned upside down--even the things that God had shown me. It's not that His promises have changed; it's that my heart's desires, my priorities, and the contexts of those promises have changed drastically.

To put it simply, I have been so ruined (in a good way) in the past year. I don't want a "normal" life; I don't even want to be a "normal" missionary anymore. I remember being younger and hearing or reading stories about missionaries that were seeing people raised from the dead, people healed, etc., and thinking, "Why does that happen there and not happen here in the US?" When I asked my dad about it, he said something to the effect that the people there are hungry for it, seeking God for it, and are more desperate for it than the people in the US. And furthermore, they believe it's possible whereas people in the western world tend to be skeptics. Then, my family went to a church for a short period of two years where things like healings happened. God's tangible presence was in the church all the time, and it positively wrecked us all because it gave us a small taste of what is possible. But, I have learned that God doesn't mean for us to get fat on His presence either. He fills us up to pour us out. It's an everflowing cycle. There are so many movements especially in western charismatic churches that are so selfish with the presence of God. God wants to fill us up; He wants us to invite Him into every aspect of our lives without compartments of church or religion. But, He fills us up so that we can go to the poor, the broken, the dying, the hungry, and the heartbroken with His love and His presence. If we sit soaking all the time, we become stagnant.

A lot of my "ruination" has come from seeing the lives of Heidi and Rolland Baker. I know I have mentioned them numerous times, but it's because they have become living examples of everything I always wanted to believe was possible in my childhood but didn't have a concrete example to show me the way. They are regular people. They are not any more spiritual than you or me, but they've seen hundreds of people healed, close to 100 people raised from the dead, and the multitudes in Mozambique come to Jesus because of Jesus' love and for no other, human-related reason. And, I am crazy enough to believe that if it can happen in Mozambique, it can happen in Honduras. God has truly taught me to want something better. As a missionary, I don't want to have a strategy. I don't want to do anything on my own. I don't want to assume I know what is God's best. I want to seek Him in all things. I want to take time to listen to Him, to be still, to rest and be refilled so that I can effectively be useful for His Kingdom. In short, I don't ever want to build my own kingdom in Jesus' name. It all has to be His work, or I don't want to have anything to do with it.

So, here, in the midst of Boston, I am overwhelmed with a restlessness for Honduras--not because it is home but because it is where God is sending me. I am ruined. I am chomping at the bit to try out these spiritual wings, to be thrust into an even greater dependency on the Father. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can ever satisfy me. That has been the greatest lesson of this trip. I have seen so many natural wonders. I have seen so many man-made attractions. I have been to so many places in the US where people like to brag they've seen just for the sake of bragging. But, it's all worthless compared to His Kingdom. Where is its eternal value? There is no location that satiates like His presence. There is no movie or television program that entertains like the wonders of the Holy Spirit. There is no food or specialty that quenches the hunger built into us all for His Kingdom. There is no other person who warms the heart like my first love, Jesus. There is no amount of money that provides the security of the Heavenly Father's jealous love for us. There is no occupation that can fulfill like being a broken, lowly vessel of God because nothing that we do in and of ourselves is work of the Kingdom. I don't want to chase after anything else but Jesus. Nothing else matters but His Kingdom. I don't want to waste any more time consumed by the things of this world.

Matthew 6:33:
But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.
from Hebrews 11:
Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceives as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]. . . .
But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out]. . . .
[Aroused] by faith Moses, when he had grown to maturity and become great, refused to be called the son of Pharoah's daughter, because he preferred to share the oppression [suffer the hardships] and bear the shame of the people of God rather to have the fleeting enjoyment of a sinful life. He considered the contempt and abuse and shame [borne for the Christ (the Messiah Who was to come)] to be greater wealth than all the treasures of Egypt, for he looked forward and away to the reward (recompense). [Motivated] by faith he left Egypt behind him, being unawed and undismayed by the wrath of the king; for he never flinched but held staunchly to his purpose and endured steadfastly as one who gazed on Him Who is invisible.
from Hebrews 13:
Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. . . .
So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is My Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me? . . .
Strengthen (complete, perfect) and make you what you ought to be and equip you with everything good that you may carry out His will; [while He Himself] works in you and accomplishes that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ (the Messiah); to Whom be the glory forever and ever (to the ages of the ages). Amen (so be it).

With love,
Sarah