Rest, Wisdom, Roots, and Worship

Hello All,


It has been quite a while since I last updated, and so much has happened! To start, in the end of July we had a team of ten people from Hedgesville, West Virginia, including some of my former high school students from student teaching, two other teachers, and my facilitating teacher, Nancy. It was so wonderful to have them here. I was so proud of how they represented my state and me because they were such a great example of what I hope for teams to be when they come. I think the thing that they did that made the biggest difference to me was purposefully desiring to include Honduran teenagers in their everyday activities. Some teams are great about including and interacting with Hondurans who happen to be around during projects and the like, but the Hedgesville Hope for Honduras team was the first to ask Alvin to purposefully include some Hondurans their own age to build lasting, deeper relationships. I recognize that this isn’t always easy for other teams because of the language barrier, but that was the other blessing of the kids of Hedgesville—they all had had at least some Spanish education and were willing to practice their skills even knowing they were going to make mistakes. As a teacher and a missionary, it was so amazing to watch the kids connecting and participating in the culture and really acquiring the language more and more every day. While they were here, they visited an elementary school and the government-run centers, Casitas Kennedy and 21 de Octubre. They also painted Feeding Center #1 which also involved building a scaffold to reach the highest places. They visited the hospital to give donations to the poor, new mothers, and they had collected and brought SO MANY items that their donations touched every facet of the ministry with even some overflow to help other ministries. They also did street ministry and visited the dump, taking sandwiches and water to the people working there in the hot sun. Their most exemplary quality as a group was their attitude. They were so eager to jump in even when it meant exiting their comfort zones. They danced with the dance team girls at church (I’ve never seen any team ever do that before). They tried Honduran food and were the first team to accompany Raúl and me on a Sunday to visit his mom’s restaurant. They looked the people at the dump in the eyes and were so laid back in doing street ministry. They talked with the boys at 21 de Octubre and let the adolescent girls at Casitas Kennedy play with/fix their hair. When we had an accident while painting Feeding Center #1 that involved Orlin getting a head injury, they jumped to action administering first aid and cradling and comforting Orlin like one of their own. They also included and paid for their new Honduran friends in their recreational beach trip which everyone enjoyed. I know that reading this it may not seem like that big of a difference, but so many things that they willingly took part in within a new culture and immersed in a different language are things that I’ve never seen other teams do.



I, personally, was so blessed that they came. On the Sunday they were here, I was just overcome with tears to recognize God’s faithfulness. Sometimes, in the daily grind of life and in mounting difficult circumstances, it’s easy to feel like God has forgotten our hearts’ desires or that He’s not working on our behalf or that we’ll never see the fruition of seeds we’ve planted. But, having my students here was such an encouragement. God led me to Hedgesville High School to student teach my last semester of college in 2011. God spoke to Nancy and asked her to accept me as her student teacher, and even though it was unorthodox, she allowed me to teach a lengthy unit about Honduras. It was amazing to me then (and even more amazing to me now) that at the beginning of the unit, the students wrote in their journals that they didn’t get the point of learning about the poverty and the culture of Honduras but by the end of the unit, some of them felt some kind of connection with the people in Honduras. At times, it felt like I was wasting my breath, and I was so exhausted during student teaching with creating everything to teach about Honduras from scratch. I could have just done enough to get by, to graduate, and get out. But, God had given me such a beautiful opportunity in Nancy’s willingness and had placed such a love in my heart for Hondurans and for my students, that I knew that I couldn’t waste it. It was worth every minute of lost sleep, getting a terrible bout of the flu after spending four years of college never being sick, and putting off my senior project to be conquered after my first student teaching stint. When I left, Nancy had already mentioned coming to Honduras at some point, but what blessed and surprised both of us was that the students approached her about coming with her. They worked so hard to raise money and to collect items to bless the people here. Words cannot express how proud I am of them, how happy I am that they want to come back, and how encouraged I am that God is absolutely able to work through our planted seeds and faithfulness in His way and timing. If you'd like to check out the students' thoughts on their blog, go to http://hopeforhonduras.tumblr.com/.

Ashley with lots of little boys we visited at a school

Nancy making friends as usual

Orlin painting Feeding Center #1

The girls (Ashley and Clara Beth) teaching Mayra how to paint

Christian (with Kaci and Michelle) not even pretending to look busy ;)

Aaron, Matt, and Señor Chip helping with the scaffold

  

One of the ladies with her grandchild during street ministry

Street ministry

Kaci talking with Alvin and Michael

Matt and Clara Beth visiting with the kids from the streets while handing out drinks

Michael and Antonio

Me and Jeffery--this kid is SO SMART!

Beach day!

We even tricked Raúl into coming to relax and have a good time with us--we had him drive one of the cars!

The baby and me

The whole crew--vikingo, gringos, and catrachos

After the team left, Michael left about a week later. I was so sad to see him go. He has been such a good friend to me in a time when I really needed it most. With his leaving, I felt a bit like I was going to go back to the loneliness of before. He and Mathias had been here six months of my near year here, so they had become a staple of my everyday life. But, God is faithful always, and I am happy to say that even as we left Michael at the airport, a very old school Jaci Velazquez song (that I didn't even have) echoed in my head, "I will rest in You, I will rest in You." As friends come and go, I am blessed that I can always rest in Him. I am also so proud and excited for Michael as the next part of his adventure has taken him to Canada where he's meeting lots of new, friendly people and still finding time to Skype with me occasionally.

 To update you on some of the other characters in my ongoing story here, I can say that we’re always learning the rhythms of God’s grace. As you may remember from past updates, Orlin and Estiven were two young men who had worked with Raúl who were doing their best to exit their old lifestyles of drugs and to commit their lives to God. While the team was here, Orlin was one of the ones who spent lots of time getting to know the kids and practicing Spanish. He and Nancy, especially, had a special mother/grandmother/son connection. He was doing pretty well when I first got back, and as I mentioned, I enjoyed taking him under my wing and encouraging him.




That is usually my heart in how I interact with people—I always want to believe the best about everyone. This, in general, can be a good quality, but it can also make me blind, sometimes, to reality or make me act in such a way that does not demonstrate wisdom. Growing up, I never understood and was even somewhat bothered by the verse in Matthew 10 that says, “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be as shrewd as serpents and as innocent as doves.” The Message even uses the word “cunning” instead of “shrewd,” and the fact that the Bible usually connects serpents to evil also made me confused by this verse. But, after living here, I know the truth that this message holds. Now, more so than ever, I see the absolute necessity that we have for not only wisdom but the Body of Christ, for each other.



A prime example deals with Orlin. I’m the kind of person who gives all or nothing. I am so 100% that I find it difficult to hold back, and I end up letting everything I feel show which others can sometimes use to their own advantage. Before the team came, Orlin called me upset because he had fallen—he was at the dumpster past Raúl’s business, and he was high for the first time since he had made the choice to live for God. He was very upset and didn’t know what to do, so I told him to get himself out of the situation and away from the guys who were going to tempt him to do more. I told him to go to Raúl’s business, but he insisted that he didn’t want to do that because Raúl didn’t have any work for him to do and ignored him. So, I told him I’d go to him. It’s a bit of a walk from the house down to Raúl’s business and farther to the dumpster, so by the time I reached Raúl’s, it was pouring the rain. Raúl asked me what I was doing, and I explained about Orlin’s phone call. Raúl’s response was, “Sarah, you can do whatever you want, but please don’t go down there. All of those guys are high, and even though all of them know me and know you’re my friend, so I don’t think anything would happen to you, they’re going to say vulgar stuff to you, and I just don’t want that. Please don’t go down there. I just don’t see it being a good situation.”



Well, for any of you who know me personally, you probably also know that I’m relatively fearless and stubborn. So, while I appreciated his desire to protect me, I didn’t really see myself as being in any danger, and I had told Orlin that I was going to come to him. I wasn’t worried about anything those guys were going to say to me. Thus, when the rain let up, without saying a word to Raúl, I started walking down there. He yelled after me, “Sarah! Where are you going?” That was a dumb question because he knew where I was going, but I stopped because he’d started running after me. By the time he reached me, I was half way to the dumpster. “Sarah, please don’t go down there. It’d be different if I was with you, but please? Don’t trust Orlin, Sarah. Look, he’s right there. He can see that you’re here. You’ve already walked all the way from the house. He should be man enough to walk to the business and not make you go there.” He was right—I could see Orlin from where I was standing, and he clearly saw me. So, I agreed to go back to the business with Raúl, who continued, “Sarah, why did he call you? You’re a woman. He could’ve called me. He could’ve called Nahum or Papi. Why did he call you?” He was right. Sometimes, I get so caught up in wanting to rescue someone and feeling like I’m needed that I miss when the other person is using me or putting me in dangerous situations. I explained that Orlin thought that Raúl ignored him, and Raúl explained, “I don’t ignore him. You’ve been at the business enough to know what it gets like when we have a lot of customers. I don’t have time to stop and chat when we’re only two guys working here with four cars waiting.” He’s right, and as far as not having any work to give Orlin, he’s already employing/helping two other drug addicts and only has so much that he can spread around in terms of salaries. Raúl has never “run off” any of those boys whether they show up high or sober, hateful or tranquil, hungry or full. Even after so many of them lie to him, steal from him, and talk badly about him to others, he still lets them spend time with him at the business and even goes so far to give them his own lunch when they’re hungry. Just as it is with the girls from the Eagle’s Nest, the fact that they still come around is evidence enough that their own negative words simply aren’t true.



Orlin did eventually come to me at the business, and I persuaded him to walk back up to the house. The whole way home, the only thing he had to say was how he had more bad friends than good friends, and how terrible of a person Raúl was. There was no responsibility taken for his own actions in choosing to do drugs again. Internally, I had to laugh because he picked the absolute worst person to be talking badly to about Raúl and because, in his attitude, I could see that Raúl was right. That isn’t to say that Raúl and I don’t believe that God is completely capable of changing Orlin’s life, healing his past, and helping him escape a life of drugs. We never want to write anyone off as being beyond God’s reach. We want to believe for them all. But, there is the necessity to love others not because of their bad stories or because of pity or even because of Christian obligation but simply because Jesus loves them, and there is a great necessity to constantly seek God as to how that love looks rather than making assumptions. That is why once I stopped being stubborn, I was so grateful for Raúl’s protection because he was able to see an aspect of the situation that I was missing and was able to counsel me and remind me to seek God in how to love Orlin rather than making my own assumptions based on feeling needed.



Orlin has had a rough life. His mom died from cancer when he was around 11. He’s lived and worked at the dump. He’s done lots of drugs. He’s grown up with older siblings who sometimes seem to care about him and sometimes don’t. He has very low self-esteem and has extreme difficulty in being anything but a follower of those who lead him to trouble. But, we don’t love Orlin because he’s had a bad life. The fact is, lots of kids here have learned that they can use their bad life stories to manipulate others to give them what they want (which in the long run isn’t helping them). We love Orlin because Jesus loves Orlin. We believe in Orlin because Jesus died for Orlin and because Jesus’ blood and His grace is enough to free him and make him clean. But, we must love with wisdom and give according to the leading of the Holy Spirit—no more and absolutely no less even when we feel like we’re at the end of our ropes.



After the team left, we had some problems with Orlin and Bladimir, Alvin’s foster son who I’ve known since I first came to Honduras, that involved drugs and stealing and death threats and lots of those kinds of situations that leave us feeling like we’re at the end of our ropes. But, in the process, we’re learning those rhythms of God’s grace. We’re learning when to hold on and when to let go, when to give mercy and when to give discipline, when to stick our necks out for someone else and when to let them learn from their mistakes alone. It’s not easy, but with a constant desire to obey and seek God outweighing our desire to see results or to rescue everyone or to be needed, all things are possible.

Orlin

I am happy to say that after much struggling and ups and downs, Alvin took Orlin to his final interview to go to a Christian rehab facility today. Provided that he doesn’t show up at our house or at Raúl’s later today, it is our belief that he’s been taken directly to the center to begin the process of getting clean and being discipled to be the man of God he’s called to be. God has great things for Orlin, but He can only move as far as Orlin’s own belief of his value allows. Please join with us in praying for Orlin. He is a precious child that God created who needs love and needs healed of his orphan spirit, and that’s a work that only God can do.

Bladimir

Please also join us in praying for Bladimir and Estiven. Bladimir is going to turn 15-years-old in October. He is a little boy who has a sweet heart and who has a gift for helping and giving to other people. He is a true orphan whose mother died years ago. Although he’s very smart (and often very bored in school for that reason), he’s not gone past fourth grade, being expelled by numerous schools after usually no more than two years. Following some problems with stealing and getting into trouble in our neighborhood while living with Alvin and Nelly, he had been living in a center for boys called Manuelito. As is rather typical, his behavior was sometimes very good and other times quite terrible—enough so that he was given a warning that he was on his last chance. After some further bad behavior, he was sent to 21 de Octubre where he arrogantly told the workers that he could do whatever he wanted because his Papi Alvin was going to come get him. He ended up escaping from 21 with a friend, robbing a house, and then coming back to the house at Alvin and Nelly’s decision. He wasn’t here for long before we started having the same problems as before—stealing, lying, and worse. So, after some very disrespectful behavior, Alvin brought him before the juvenile court (which was necessary anyway since we didn’t have legal custody), and he was sent back to 21, but Alvin is trying to get him sent to Alteva, a juvenile correctional farm where the boys can learn a trade and can really excel if they so choose.

This is Sherlley, Estiven's one and a half-year-old daughter. While it doesn't look like it in this picture where she's asleep with a kitten, she's a live wire who chases after her Tio "Aul" (Raúl) and Tia "Sita" (me) with so much energy! She has completely stolen my heart just as if she were really my niece.

Estiven is also in need of prayer. He is currently living with Raúl and learning the trade at Raúl’s business while Raúl helps him and his family financially. He is in such a valley of decision. Some days, he wants to move forward in his relationship with God, marry his common law wife, and be a good father to his daughter. Other days, he wants to illegally go to the US to escape the mundane, everyday routine (not realizing that he’ll find even more of that there). And other days, he struggles to accept God’s grace in the midst of temptations to do drugs again. Needless to say, keeping track of all of these boys keeps me and Raúl on our toes and reminded constantly of our need to open our spiritual eyes. Without the point of view of Jesus, we don’t have enough compassion and strength to keep giving of ourselves. Without the wisdom and direction of the Holy Spirit, we don’t know when we’ve reached that point where we’ve given enough and if we keep giving will become an unhealthy crutch. So, I guess what I’m saying in mentioning this, is please pray for us too. While we’re both young and don’t have near the responsibilities that Alvin and Nelly have (please pray for them too!), we have our own situations that are teaching us and maturing us by experience. The battles are truly all spiritual, and the work is truly the Lord's. We just desire to be obedient.

Meanwhile, Quendy’s baby is due next month (I know I keep saying that in every blog update…apparently even babies are on Honduran time here), so it seems as if I’ll be a tia (aunt) yet again. She is living with a relative of her second live-in boyfriend (he’s not the father), and she still shows up from time to time to visit and go to church. We’ll see what the next month holds and how God leads us to help Quendy.




Mayra is doing very well. I love having her in the house. She’s possibly going to be starting sewing classes soon, and meanwhile, she’s doing her best to learn Danish and English as she’s decided she’s bound to marry a foreigner. She is hilarious, and I love to watch her confidently talk to the groups who pass through our home—a direct result of the Hedgesville team who came and visited so much with her. I love watching her grow more every day, and I am so blessed by her innocence in the midst of so much deceit from others we work with. Continue to keep her in your prayers. There are still elements of her life and past that need healed. She was sharing with our small group the other day some of the things she went through in her childhood—how she never met her mother, how she was treated like a slave when she ran away, and how she doesn’t know so many of her siblings. She cried as she told us her story which may not seem like a shock given what she’s been through, but after hearing so many different parts of Mayra’s story on various occasions in the past, I can tell you that that was the first time I’d ever seen her cry about any of it. God is softening her heart. It’s a beautiful thing to watch and be a part of.

Our small group has still been meeting every Friday, and things are going well. God always knows who is supposed to be there, and I am so blessed by the unexpected ways in which He's been moving. I am encouraged to see various people in the group, including Raúl, being healed and moving forward in their walks with God. It's amazing how easy it is to talk oneself out of the plans of God, seeing as God laid it on my heart to start this group months before I was actually obedient. It's even more amazing how God can move through obedience (even in the second chances He gives us) to impact the lives of others. It's such a privilege to be a part of His perfect work.

Meanwhile, Alvin is headed to the States in just a few days and will be there the entire month of September. I know it'll be a good time of filling and refreshing for him, and it'll also be an interesting time for me. I'm rarely extremely busy. I'm rarely busy, period, but my life has a way of taking drastic turns and changing in surprising ways when Papi isn't here. I'm not really sure why, but in the midst of waiting and hoping for things God has planned and has promised, I'm excited for whatever my celestial Papi has in mind. ;)

In just a couple weeks, I will have lived in Honduras for a full year. While I may do a more thorough blog recap closer to my actual anniversary, I will say for now that I can't lie--there have been times where I have wanted to run away, times when I've questioned if I really had the patience and endurance to continue here. What has rescued me every time has been the very deep knowledge that it is God's will for me to be here and an unshakeable desire to obey God at any cost. I am so glad that I've stayed. I would have missed so many beautiful lessons (through suffering) and would have missed so many fulfilled promises from my Father (they've only just begun to come to fruition). It's been worth it to pass through the fire of testing. The reward truly is more than just.

My plant that is growing!

In the beginning of July, I went with Nelly to buy some plants. This woman LOVES her plants! I had no intentions of buying anything, but I went for the heck of it. While there, I decided to buy a single plant just to give my apartment a little bit of life. This unexpected excursion happened in the middle of one of those times where I was desperately crying out to God and feeling like I was at the end of my rope. I kept reminding Him, "This is my entire life! I've entrusted my entire life to You! I don't have a plan B. Please, don't let me be put to shame." It was a time where I was reminded of my desire for roots and permanence in Honduras which had so echoed in my spiritual ears while I was in Mexico. I wasn't thinking spiritually when I bought the plant, but as soon as I got in the car, God reminded me that as a child of God, every little thing done is holy. He reminded me of my desire for roots and permanence and of Isaiah 54:
"Sing, barren woman, you who never knew a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the Lord. "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strenthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. "Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame..."

You don't get roots and permanence in one shot. It comes about by the planting of a seed. It comes about from commitment. It's as it says in Isaiah 60: They are the shoot I have planted, the work of my hands, for the display of my splendor. The least of you will become a thousand, the smallest a mighty nation. I am the Lord; in its time I will do this swiftly. It comes about through daily watering and a daily choice to nurture something growing. It comes about through faithfulness in the little things and a choice to wait for the roots to take hold and the fruit to spring forth. God has known what the plant of my life was going to be and how it was going to grow since before I was born. He planted seeds that He has been bringing to fruition year after year since my birth. Life is like a treasure hunt to find what He's hidden for me.

The greatest lesson I've been learning since I last updated has just been to rest in Him. Sometimes, I reach a point where I'm telling God, "I'm so exhausted. Oh Daddy, I am so empty. There is just nothing left. I'm so tired." And His loving yet direct response is, "So, rest, Sarah. It's not that difficult." It's easy in ministry and life in general to reach a place where we feel like we are stuck under the thumb of someone else, that we have to keep giving even when there is nothing left because someone "needs" us. I have learned that there are times when I go to God exhausted, and He fills me up, giving me the compassion, patience, and mercy to keep giving even when I've reached the end of myself. But, there are other times when I go to God, and He says, "Sarah, you've given this person or this situation enough. You have served enough. Right now, you need to let it go and rest." And, if I continue to force help, if I continue to give out of obligation or out of people pleasing or because I somehow believe I'm so special that the person must need me, I am completely out of the will of God and am not only exhausting myself further but also am becoming the obstacle for the growth of that person. I have to rest.

Something that struck me about the book, The Supernatural Ways of Royalty, was a lesson from the story of Lot's wife. The author explains that God let him know that Lot and his family were the salt preserving Sodom and Gomorrah. They had a mantle of intercession for those cities and that people. Their holiness as children of God preserved those cities for a time. But, when God was done, and God was ready to judge and show His glory through the destruction of a disobedient people, He called Lot and his family to physically leave and to give up that mantle of intercession and preservation. When Lot's wife turned around, she was disobediently refusing to let go of the ministry that God had given her for a time. Her refusal to let go of that ministry killed her, and she turned into a prophetic symbol of what she had been--salt, preserving a wicked people.

Oftentimes, especially for pastors and missionaries, a love of the ministry can take the place of our first love--God. The love of our own call can cause us to lose sight of the priority of seeking God and His presence first. The love of our own call can cause us to miss the opportunity to release others into their calling or can cause us to miss the truth (just as my friendship with Raúl teaches me on a daily basis) that we need the rest of the Body of Christ. And the result of this type of idolatry can be tragic. Yes, God does call us to be missionaries and to be salt and to be light--but He calls us first to be intimate with Him. He is the Vine. We are the branches. How can we be useful as branches if we are not connected deeply to the Vine and abiding in the presence of God and submerged in the movements of the Holy Spirit? There is a time for everything, and this is a time when I'm learning what it says in Exodus 14:14: The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

And in the midst of being still, there is always worship. Regardless of how we feel--whether we feel worthy or capable or lazy or whatever, God is always worthy to be honored and worshipped. The greatest way we can move forward in our spiritual walk when we're in a time of rest or a time when we've reached the end of ourselves is to take the step of faith to worship. It's as Bill Johnson indicates in the book I'm currently reading, Hosting the Presence:
The people who are people of worship, regardless of circumstances, will become fruitful in ways beyond reason. Anyone can get happy after the miracle has come. Show me someone who celebrates before the answer, and I'll show you someone who is about to experience the answer. This is the nature of faith--it looks ahead and lives accordingly. (125-126).
All my love,
Sarah