Photo by Dimitri Houtteman
A common sense among churches and, in some cases, missionaries alike is that October is a heavy month spiritually whether that seems to come about through spiritual warfare in circumstances or is simply a heavy blanket of oppression that hovers over Honduras. It seems like every year I remember at the beginning of the month to be vigilant, and by the end of the month, I've forgotten and am wondering why everything seems so full of despair and devastation. Someday, I will wise up the whole month. All of that to say--it's a good idea to be praying for missionaries this month. My little community here has seemed to take so many hits recently that I have found myself wondering how to hold so much suffering.
Recently, I found myself preaching to myself as I encouraged a friend. We were processing grief in general, and I was just struck by the reminder from the Holy Spirit that we're supposed to be dependent. Through various inputs, I have felt so burdened by the state of the world in so many respects, and I've wondered now in our seventh month of lockdown if there is ever an end in sight. While I want to be able to fully sooth and take away the pain of loved ones and the injustice that comes from a sin-filled world, I am left feeling vastly inadequate. Yet, this is the point. I cannot find hope apart from my Creator. I cannot be a source of life for others if I'm not willing to be dependent on God myself first. We were always meant to be needy and to have to rely on God and others for support. It's not my calling to hold all of the suffering of the world or to know all of the answers to the hard "why" questions. It's merely my job to lean into Him--even when angry, even when questioning, even when I'm struggling to hold onto hope. And, choosing to be present in the suffering of others is what it means to take up our cross and follow Jesus. It's the very thing that He modeled for us. He contended with Father God in the Garden, but He ultimately chose to be the Savior. I cannot ease all of the pain of others as I am not the Savior, but I can be present to walk with them through it even when I'm unsure and stumbling myself.
This month, we applied for Raúl's US citizenship. Our intention is to continue to do missions work here in Honduras, so our reasoning for proceeding with citizenship is because there is no convenient provision in the law for our current status. Every time we go to the States, he is at risk of someone questioning why he has residency but isn't residing in the US full-time. Additionally, as a multicultural, multi-country family, we want the security that our family will always be able to be together legally. Applying for US citizenship is something Raúl and I talked about since we got married, but it took us a long time to save up enough money to apply. And, he had to have US residency first. This, however, does not change the fact that we are still missionaries in Honduras for the foreseeable future. I have to be honest--anything related to bureaucracy and government departments makes me nervous because we've had so many negative experiences in both of our countries. I struggle with anxiety because everything feels so threatening, and I feel I have to cover all of my bases and not make any tiny error in the process while we've already suffered at the hands of authorities who have made careless errors that have cost us needless money and time. I have to remind myself often that there is a Kingdom above all kingdoms, and I reside in it and that there is Someone holding us and our process in hands greater than any system. I would ask for your prayers. While it will take months for his application to be processed, and we still have an issue of getting an appointment for fingerprinting, Raúl will have to pass an English writing and reading test, an interview, and a US civics test in English. It's a test that would be difficult for the average US citizen much less for someone who very minimally operates in English as a second language. He started studying when we got married, stopped for a while, and has since started again. Academics have never been an area where he feels confidence, so we're also up against some self-esteem and self-confidence obstacles. I want to see this situation as an opportunity for God to instill some new self-worth in my husband and unravel many years of painful words from teachers and others who told him he would never amount to anything. It just feels like a lot is at stake, and we are so in need of God's grace and divine favor.
In a matter of weeks, we will be traveling to the US. This will be the first time I will see my family in almost a year. I am so excited to see them while I know that life there and this trip in general is going to look very different from how it normally does. We appreciate your prayers for safe travels and health in the process. We're used to taking precautions because Honduras has been a lot stricter than the US in many respects. But, as always, there is risk involved.
Before we go, we will be distributing one more round of provision bags to bring the total to around 310. Businesses have re-opened for the most part, and the need related to COVID in our community is lessening though the country has taken a drastic economic hit throughout the pandemic that will impact poverty levels for years to come.
Meanwhile, I just finished my second class in my master's program. I have reiterated over and over again just how astounded I am by God's faithfulness and provision in allowing me to study during this time because I feel so grateful. But, this month especially, lockdown has been wearing me down, and I have felt quite clearly that having assignments and class and this reason to get up in the morning that is tied to learning, community, and hope for the future has been a lifeline for keeping me sane. Human beings are so geared for purpose, and most of my purposes have been stripped or greatly renegotiated. Yet, counseling has continued through friendship, giving advice, and being supportive through limited meetings, phone calls, and messages. Thus, I feel blessed to be able to operate in and already put into practice the things that I'm learning in an area that has been an ongoing need now more than ever.
We are so appreciative of you and so aware of our dependency on our community. You lift us up when we're struggling, and you are woven deeply into our story.
All of my love,
Sarah
