Visas and Valleys of Death

Hello All,

I know that it has been a long time since I last posted, but I did want to update you on the visa adventure and how life in general is going at this point.

Roy had his visa interview yesterday, and he didn't get it. Thus, he won't be visiting me this year. I won't lie--it is disappointing, and there is a sense of the loss of possibility involved. But, we had been praying only for God's will. I specifically did not pray that he would get it because I wanted God's best, God's choice. Thus, I am grateful because I fully believe that we got exactly what we asked for--His answer, His best, His will. With that said, it has created a new sense of loss for me in terms of Honduras. I have already been in overdrive in terms of homesickness, and now, the realization that it will be a full year before I will return is difficult. It's a bit like leaving all over again. I know that I will be there soon enough, and I have many things to take care of here still. But, home is home no matter how distant it may be.

Meanwhile, it is reaching that time in the semester where I am dumbfounded that the year is going by so fast, but I'm also so exhausted that part of me is ready for it to end. I am nearly done field work for the semester. I have my last half-day tomorrow. I am grateful, for this has been the best field experience I've had in Shepherd's education program. Rather than being stuck merely observing for hours on end, my facilitating teacher trusted me enough to let me grade and just jump in and teach whenever I wanted. I loved it! I have grown attached to the kids in the short time that I have been around them, and I will miss them greatly. This experience has been a reminder of how much I genuinely love students and will likely enjoy that element of student teaching, but it has also reminded me that I have absolutely no desire to work within the US public school system. Realistically, even if I wasn't moving to Honduras, I don't believe I'd want a job within the US public school system. As many of my friends know, I could rant endlessly about my frustrations with the system, but for the sake of sparing you all, I will say that I am just grateful that it seems that God is steering me elsewhere.

My other classes are going well, and I've been busy with lots of tutoring appointments. It seems that I split my time between classes that, oddly enough, all incorporate some kind of physical movement (painting, sign language, and self-defense) and teaching (field work, education class, tutoring). I am surprised by how necessary it is for me to incorporate movement into my life.

Along those same lines, I've been in a rut in terms of running for the past few weeks. This is my eleventh week of running although my mileage has considerably dropped over the past couple of weeks. I can always tell where I am spiritually by how I'm running or how difficult it is for me to run--to put it quite simply, right now, I'm exhausted. It's a bit difficult to find the energy to do anything at this point--which is of course the time when I need to press on the most, I know. For the sake of a good story, I will say that in the midst of slacking, I had my first 5K race this past Saturday. It was a great experience. I signed up for it a month ago on a whim, and my dad was so kind and came up to support me. I really enjoyed the time we spent together, and it was so nice to not feel so alone in the experience. I had already made peace with being the last person in the race, so I wasn't really worried about my time or my placement. I just wanted to run. I had never seen the course before, and the race was in Frederick, Maryland which meant we had to get up unbelievably early to make the 45 minute drive over there. The course was primarily through a cemetery, and given all that I'm learning about loss and death this year, I knew that couldn't possibly be an accident. Thus, I just invited God to join me on the run and show me what He wanted. He brought to mind Psalm 23--a scripture that Mamí Nelly told me last summer is very significant for me anyway. Verse 4 is what came to mind the most as I was running past rows of tombstones covering in flower arrangements: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. . .

In the weeks leading up to this race, God was dealing with me on some pretty serious past issues. It was not easy, and I spent a few days struggling, avoiding, and fighting with myself and God. He brought me back to Matthew 10:
If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I've come back to this scripture a lot since I've been back to Honduras, and I keep it in mind in terms of moving. But, what God was getting at this time was that He wanted to take me through some past memories and situations to uproot some lies and show me the truth. It was much easier for me to imagine and commit to moving to Honduras than it was to journey through the past pain of these memories. Another scripture that God reminded me of during this time was in Matthew 18:
I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like little children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom.
God was pretty clearly saying me that I had to allow myself to be a child that needed rescued. So, although it was painful, when I allowed God to journey with me through my past and face old struggles, I finally experienced truth and peace. It was so necessary even if it was draining and exhausting.

So, getting back to the race. . .
After going through a lot of "death" of self, I asked God what He meant by that scripture in Psalm 23, and He merely said, "Everyone thinks that the valley of the shadow of death is the most terrible place to be, but the reason that you don't have to fear any evil is that death isn't evil. Death is the exact place I call you to. There is no better place to be than in my will." This message was an unbelievable comfort to me throughout the race and in the midst of the situation with Roy not getting his visa now--I almost welcome the loss and the death, knowing that it is where He has called me to be. The other element of death is burial--depositing something in the ground to protect it for safekeeping, to save something beneath the earth. I obviously have no control over anything in my life; it's much better if I let it all die and reside in the safekeeping of my Father. I believe to further encourage me, God allowed me to get second place in the 5K (I will honestly note that it wasn't a huge race and didn't have many runners, so that's not very impressive) and to run the best time I have ever run. Once again, running (and life) is all about focus--I was looking to Him.

With love,
Sarah

Consume me from the inside out.

From the Inside Out
by: Hillsong United
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fails
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord, my soul cries out

This is the song I'm stuck on today. It's so appropriate for me. Truthfully, I like the Spanish version better, but the lyrics are good regardless.

Have a beautiful day!
Sarah

Lewisburg and Loss

Hello All,

Well, this weekend began Shepherd's fall break, so in the spirit of re-visiting a childhood favorite, I drove down to Lewisburg for Taste of Our Town and also to visit with all of my extended family here. I didn't really have any concrete plans--when I'm on my own, I am so noncommittal. I fill so much of my time with obligations of school and work that when I do have free time, I don't like to tie it down to any set plan. I guess when it comes to my own choices, I am fairly spontaneous. It has been such a good weekend.

The drive down was so beautiful although I am finding that any time I get into my car for a long drive, I am inevitably greeted with tears and nostalgia. I ran into Anthony as I was leaving Shepherd, and even just that nonchalant weekend goodbye seemed to foreshadow the greater one that is coming in less than a year. It's an overwhelming feeling when I allow myself to realize the people I am going to have to let go of. I just cry with the greatest mixture of joy and pain that weighs so heavily on my heart. This weight continued all throughout the weekend as I enjoyed the beautiful sunshine and music of TOOT, the smells and sounds, and all of the seemingly random people from my past that I ran into. It was amazing. I saw my first grade teacher and my old babysitter. I saw people we used to go to church with, old family friends, and spent some treasured time with my extended family. It was such a blessing, yet on more than one occasion, as I was taking it all in, I was met with that wave of a realization that I may never see some of these people again. Lewisburg is so synonymous with my childhood, and in many ways, it feels much more like home than Philippi ever has. This whole weekend it has felt as if God has been taking my hand and walking me through old childhood memories and dreams. I love Lewisburg so much. It is a lot like Shepherdstown--quaint and personal. My parents have always said that both of those places are little Sarah towns, and it's true. I love the sense of community, the importance of art, and the creativity that nestles in both places. But, as I sat on the curb of one of the streets of Lewisburg, just taking it all in, all I could tell God was, "But You're so real." I am reminded of my thoughts when I was in Cuernavaca, Mexico--another quaint and personal place, another little Sarah town. It would be too easy for me to fall asleep in a place like this. It would be too easy to be blinded by the sunshine and complacent in comfort.

The younger version of me would have been happy to live in Lewisburg, teaching, and surrounded by a lovely little place. The younger version of me--before Honduras--would never have thought to want anything else. But, I have been wrecked by the truth of how real God is. In Lewisburg, knowing my tendency to act out of what I think I'm "supposed" to do, it's as if God reminds me, "No one is making you move to Honduras. This is your choice. I will love you no matter where you choose to be." And all I can do is weep and say, "But God, You are so real! How could I want anything but where You lead? How could I live in the comfort and old dreams of this place when I have seen so much? How could I turn a blind eye to the Jesus I have seen in the orphans and street kids in Honduras? I would rather live my life in the darkness of the world with the sushine of Your Kingdom in my heart than to be warmed by natural light into a forgetfulness of Your Kingdom." He is so real, so much more real than the world I see around me. So real that all I can do is marvel in joy and feel the pain of the loss of what I leave behind as I chase after Him.

This weekend has been a bit of an out-of-body experience simply because I can feel the tendrils of old vines uncurling, the roots of old memories leaving the earth, and the flowers of old dreams withering. It is painful. As I talk to people from my past and tell them I'm moving to Honduras, they ask me for how long, and I don't have an answer. I just tell them that I'm treating this year as my last to live in the US permanently. Some of them look at me like I'm crazy. Most of them are supportive and give a hearty, "Well, good for you!" And, I feel such an intense loneliness when it comes to other humans because I know that very few understand why I'm doing this. I find myself inwardly telling everyone, "If you only knew. . .if you only knew how real He is, you would understand because it would wreck you as it has wrecked me. He is so real. His love is so real." And all I can do is weep and pray because I don't know how you convey that truth to another person.

In the midst of all of the loss, I am reminded of the words of Jim Elliot and Mother Teresa's mother:
"God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him." -- Jim Elliot
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -- Jim Elliot
"Put your hand in His [Jesus'] hand, and walk alone with Him. Walk ahead, because if you look back you will go back." -- Mother Teresa's mother
So, I walk ahead alone, and the farther I feel from every person I care about, the closer I feel to God. I know that it's all part of what God is doing in my heart. He is preparing me to leave. He has to strip me down to just me and Him because my life is not about me--it's only a side story for His glory.

During this journey, I have found so much comfort in the story and example of Heidi Baker. On more than one occasion my roommates have come home to me sitting on the couch just bawling as I watch videos of her loving on children or speaking truths that resonate in my own heart. I have come to know more and more the reality of Him in what I see in the life in Heidi Baker. Here are some videos of her that blow me away:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAoYSH0BUtM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwpvKBYQXFc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6oB0UTwNK0

Meanwhile, I have also been stuck on the music of Jesus Culture, and these songs particularly just bring me to tears every time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UQxp0YhRuM

He is so real, beloved. If the reality of Him hasn't wrecked you yet, I urge you with the truth that there is more. (There is always more. I have barely touched the reality of Him.) There is so much more of His presence. He doesn't choose to visit spiritual big shots. You don't have to be "important" to the world or to the mainstream Christian hierarchy to receive His tangible presence. He chooses to visit the poor in spirit wherever they are. He encompasses those who are willing to get on their faces before Him and lose it all. I so wish that I knew how to tell the people that give me that hearty "Good for you!" that He has more for them as well. It's not about what you do for Him. It's not about church. It's not about man-pleasing. It's not about what we think we're supposed to do. It's just about Him. It's about laying everything down for the tangible reality of Him. It's all His work anyway. We are merely the fragile, earthen vessels. He won't relent until He has it all. He wants your heart--not your works, not your strategies, not your plans for furthering His Kingdom. He wants your heart, weak though it may be. There is more, beloved. Don't settle any more. Let Him make Himself real to you.

With Brokenness and Love,
Sarah

Visa Interview

Hello All,
This is only a quick update, but I talked to Roy yesterday, and he told me that he has been given his date for his visa interview. It will be October 27 at 8 AM (10 AM Eastern Standard Time). He's already begun the process of collecting the papers that he needs to show his ties to Honduras, and we've been creatively communicating back and forth so that he will have the answers that he needs to fill out his visa application because the answers have to be in English. It's so funny--every time I look at the next obstacle in the process, I get completely overwhelmed and think, "There's no way that he's going to want to mess with this. It's so ridiculous! So much unnecessary work and struggle. It's going to take him forever to do this. When is he going to find the time?" And then, I talk to him on the phone and tell him what the next step is, and he just calmly laughs and says, "Ok. Well, let's figure out how to do that!" His patience amazes me. At any rate, we would most definitely appreciate your prayers as he undergoes this process and especially for that visa interview which will ultimately determine whether or not he can come visit. We both just want God's will in the matter.
Thanks so much for reading!
Sarah

Iris Ministries

Hello Everyone,

Life is going very well here. It is becoming fall, and the cool air and changing leaves bless me greatly. To update you on Roy's coming-to-the-US status, I'll tell you that he already has his passport, and he will be paying for the visa interview today and will find out when he can schedule that interview. We would greatly appreciate it if you kept that in your prayers.

Meanwhile, I spent a much-needed weekend at Shepherd mainly just basking in God's presence. I had much trouble getting stuff "done" just because He has so captivated me. I just feel a new sense of heaviness that sways from nostalgia and loss to instense love for whoever is before me or whoever He lays on my heart to swelling with feeling the love that He has for me to homesickness for Honduras and even more of His presence.

A couple weekends ago while I was at home, I stumbled across a documentary called Mama Heidi. Even just the title captivated my attention, and the premise resonated with me--it's about Heidi and Rolland Baker, missionaries to Mozambique, who founded Iris Ministries (http://www.irismin.org). They have a very similar ministry to Alvin's, and their stories are phenomenal. From an outside, worldly perspective, Heidi Baker is crazy, but she is precisely the kind of crazy that I want to be. Thousands of children call her "mama," and she is so fearlessly in love with Jesus. I don't even know how to express how her story and seeing a small glimpse of her life touched my heart, but I feel it has mildly ruined me in a good way. I watch clip after clip of her speaking or of her ministry in Mozambique, and all I can do is weep and tell God that I want the kind of anointing that she has. God has worked through her to heal the blind and the deaf. She has seen people raised from the dead in Mozambique, and they are experiencing an unspeakable revival because at the heart of it all is intimacy with the Father. It's not about strategies or plans or numbers. It is only intimacy with the Father. And that's what I so desperately want for Honduras. I want people to be healed. I want people to be raised from the dead. But most of all, I want the people of Honduras to encounter the love of God, for God to be so real to them that they not only experience salvation but also the tangible, presence of the love of God. I want to be a vessel of God's life so that His love can spill from me onto others. I want God to purify my heart, burn away everything that is not of Him, and crash like a wave into every element of my being so that I can be a fountain of His love. He is so real to me--more real to me than ever before. And I am so overwhelmed by Him.

With love,
Sarah