Lewisburg and Loss

Hello All,

Well, this weekend began Shepherd's fall break, so in the spirit of re-visiting a childhood favorite, I drove down to Lewisburg for Taste of Our Town and also to visit with all of my extended family here. I didn't really have any concrete plans--when I'm on my own, I am so noncommittal. I fill so much of my time with obligations of school and work that when I do have free time, I don't like to tie it down to any set plan. I guess when it comes to my own choices, I am fairly spontaneous. It has been such a good weekend.

The drive down was so beautiful although I am finding that any time I get into my car for a long drive, I am inevitably greeted with tears and nostalgia. I ran into Anthony as I was leaving Shepherd, and even just that nonchalant weekend goodbye seemed to foreshadow the greater one that is coming in less than a year. It's an overwhelming feeling when I allow myself to realize the people I am going to have to let go of. I just cry with the greatest mixture of joy and pain that weighs so heavily on my heart. This weight continued all throughout the weekend as I enjoyed the beautiful sunshine and music of TOOT, the smells and sounds, and all of the seemingly random people from my past that I ran into. It was amazing. I saw my first grade teacher and my old babysitter. I saw people we used to go to church with, old family friends, and spent some treasured time with my extended family. It was such a blessing, yet on more than one occasion, as I was taking it all in, I was met with that wave of a realization that I may never see some of these people again. Lewisburg is so synonymous with my childhood, and in many ways, it feels much more like home than Philippi ever has. This whole weekend it has felt as if God has been taking my hand and walking me through old childhood memories and dreams. I love Lewisburg so much. It is a lot like Shepherdstown--quaint and personal. My parents have always said that both of those places are little Sarah towns, and it's true. I love the sense of community, the importance of art, and the creativity that nestles in both places. But, as I sat on the curb of one of the streets of Lewisburg, just taking it all in, all I could tell God was, "But You're so real." I am reminded of my thoughts when I was in Cuernavaca, Mexico--another quaint and personal place, another little Sarah town. It would be too easy for me to fall asleep in a place like this. It would be too easy to be blinded by the sunshine and complacent in comfort.

The younger version of me would have been happy to live in Lewisburg, teaching, and surrounded by a lovely little place. The younger version of me--before Honduras--would never have thought to want anything else. But, I have been wrecked by the truth of how real God is. In Lewisburg, knowing my tendency to act out of what I think I'm "supposed" to do, it's as if God reminds me, "No one is making you move to Honduras. This is your choice. I will love you no matter where you choose to be." And all I can do is weep and say, "But God, You are so real! How could I want anything but where You lead? How could I live in the comfort and old dreams of this place when I have seen so much? How could I turn a blind eye to the Jesus I have seen in the orphans and street kids in Honduras? I would rather live my life in the darkness of the world with the sushine of Your Kingdom in my heart than to be warmed by natural light into a forgetfulness of Your Kingdom." He is so real, so much more real than the world I see around me. So real that all I can do is marvel in joy and feel the pain of the loss of what I leave behind as I chase after Him.

This weekend has been a bit of an out-of-body experience simply because I can feel the tendrils of old vines uncurling, the roots of old memories leaving the earth, and the flowers of old dreams withering. It is painful. As I talk to people from my past and tell them I'm moving to Honduras, they ask me for how long, and I don't have an answer. I just tell them that I'm treating this year as my last to live in the US permanently. Some of them look at me like I'm crazy. Most of them are supportive and give a hearty, "Well, good for you!" And, I feel such an intense loneliness when it comes to other humans because I know that very few understand why I'm doing this. I find myself inwardly telling everyone, "If you only knew. . .if you only knew how real He is, you would understand because it would wreck you as it has wrecked me. He is so real. His love is so real." And all I can do is weep and pray because I don't know how you convey that truth to another person.

In the midst of all of the loss, I am reminded of the words of Jim Elliot and Mother Teresa's mother:
"God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him." -- Jim Elliot
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -- Jim Elliot
"Put your hand in His [Jesus'] hand, and walk alone with Him. Walk ahead, because if you look back you will go back." -- Mother Teresa's mother
So, I walk ahead alone, and the farther I feel from every person I care about, the closer I feel to God. I know that it's all part of what God is doing in my heart. He is preparing me to leave. He has to strip me down to just me and Him because my life is not about me--it's only a side story for His glory.

During this journey, I have found so much comfort in the story and example of Heidi Baker. On more than one occasion my roommates have come home to me sitting on the couch just bawling as I watch videos of her loving on children or speaking truths that resonate in my own heart. I have come to know more and more the reality of Him in what I see in the life in Heidi Baker. Here are some videos of her that blow me away:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAoYSH0BUtM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwpvKBYQXFc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6oB0UTwNK0

Meanwhile, I have also been stuck on the music of Jesus Culture, and these songs particularly just bring me to tears every time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UQxp0YhRuM

He is so real, beloved. If the reality of Him hasn't wrecked you yet, I urge you with the truth that there is more. (There is always more. I have barely touched the reality of Him.) There is so much more of His presence. He doesn't choose to visit spiritual big shots. You don't have to be "important" to the world or to the mainstream Christian hierarchy to receive His tangible presence. He chooses to visit the poor in spirit wherever they are. He encompasses those who are willing to get on their faces before Him and lose it all. I so wish that I knew how to tell the people that give me that hearty "Good for you!" that He has more for them as well. It's not about what you do for Him. It's not about church. It's not about man-pleasing. It's not about what we think we're supposed to do. It's just about Him. It's about laying everything down for the tangible reality of Him. It's all His work anyway. We are merely the fragile, earthen vessels. He won't relent until He has it all. He wants your heart--not your works, not your strategies, not your plans for furthering His Kingdom. He wants your heart, weak though it may be. There is more, beloved. Don't settle any more. Let Him make Himself real to you.

With Brokenness and Love,
Sarah