Visas and Valleys of Death

Hello All,

I know that it has been a long time since I last posted, but I did want to update you on the visa adventure and how life in general is going at this point.

Roy had his visa interview yesterday, and he didn't get it. Thus, he won't be visiting me this year. I won't lie--it is disappointing, and there is a sense of the loss of possibility involved. But, we had been praying only for God's will. I specifically did not pray that he would get it because I wanted God's best, God's choice. Thus, I am grateful because I fully believe that we got exactly what we asked for--His answer, His best, His will. With that said, it has created a new sense of loss for me in terms of Honduras. I have already been in overdrive in terms of homesickness, and now, the realization that it will be a full year before I will return is difficult. It's a bit like leaving all over again. I know that I will be there soon enough, and I have many things to take care of here still. But, home is home no matter how distant it may be.

Meanwhile, it is reaching that time in the semester where I am dumbfounded that the year is going by so fast, but I'm also so exhausted that part of me is ready for it to end. I am nearly done field work for the semester. I have my last half-day tomorrow. I am grateful, for this has been the best field experience I've had in Shepherd's education program. Rather than being stuck merely observing for hours on end, my facilitating teacher trusted me enough to let me grade and just jump in and teach whenever I wanted. I loved it! I have grown attached to the kids in the short time that I have been around them, and I will miss them greatly. This experience has been a reminder of how much I genuinely love students and will likely enjoy that element of student teaching, but it has also reminded me that I have absolutely no desire to work within the US public school system. Realistically, even if I wasn't moving to Honduras, I don't believe I'd want a job within the US public school system. As many of my friends know, I could rant endlessly about my frustrations with the system, but for the sake of sparing you all, I will say that I am just grateful that it seems that God is steering me elsewhere.

My other classes are going well, and I've been busy with lots of tutoring appointments. It seems that I split my time between classes that, oddly enough, all incorporate some kind of physical movement (painting, sign language, and self-defense) and teaching (field work, education class, tutoring). I am surprised by how necessary it is for me to incorporate movement into my life.

Along those same lines, I've been in a rut in terms of running for the past few weeks. This is my eleventh week of running although my mileage has considerably dropped over the past couple of weeks. I can always tell where I am spiritually by how I'm running or how difficult it is for me to run--to put it quite simply, right now, I'm exhausted. It's a bit difficult to find the energy to do anything at this point--which is of course the time when I need to press on the most, I know. For the sake of a good story, I will say that in the midst of slacking, I had my first 5K race this past Saturday. It was a great experience. I signed up for it a month ago on a whim, and my dad was so kind and came up to support me. I really enjoyed the time we spent together, and it was so nice to not feel so alone in the experience. I had already made peace with being the last person in the race, so I wasn't really worried about my time or my placement. I just wanted to run. I had never seen the course before, and the race was in Frederick, Maryland which meant we had to get up unbelievably early to make the 45 minute drive over there. The course was primarily through a cemetery, and given all that I'm learning about loss and death this year, I knew that couldn't possibly be an accident. Thus, I just invited God to join me on the run and show me what He wanted. He brought to mind Psalm 23--a scripture that Mamí Nelly told me last summer is very significant for me anyway. Verse 4 is what came to mind the most as I was running past rows of tombstones covering in flower arrangements: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. . .

In the weeks leading up to this race, God was dealing with me on some pretty serious past issues. It was not easy, and I spent a few days struggling, avoiding, and fighting with myself and God. He brought me back to Matthew 10:
If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I've come back to this scripture a lot since I've been back to Honduras, and I keep it in mind in terms of moving. But, what God was getting at this time was that He wanted to take me through some past memories and situations to uproot some lies and show me the truth. It was much easier for me to imagine and commit to moving to Honduras than it was to journey through the past pain of these memories. Another scripture that God reminded me of during this time was in Matthew 18:
I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like little children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom.
God was pretty clearly saying me that I had to allow myself to be a child that needed rescued. So, although it was painful, when I allowed God to journey with me through my past and face old struggles, I finally experienced truth and peace. It was so necessary even if it was draining and exhausting.

So, getting back to the race. . .
After going through a lot of "death" of self, I asked God what He meant by that scripture in Psalm 23, and He merely said, "Everyone thinks that the valley of the shadow of death is the most terrible place to be, but the reason that you don't have to fear any evil is that death isn't evil. Death is the exact place I call you to. There is no better place to be than in my will." This message was an unbelievable comfort to me throughout the race and in the midst of the situation with Roy not getting his visa now--I almost welcome the loss and the death, knowing that it is where He has called me to be. The other element of death is burial--depositing something in the ground to protect it for safekeeping, to save something beneath the earth. I obviously have no control over anything in my life; it's much better if I let it all die and reside in the safekeeping of my Father. I believe to further encourage me, God allowed me to get second place in the 5K (I will honestly note that it wasn't a huge race and didn't have many runners, so that's not very impressive) and to run the best time I have ever run. Once again, running (and life) is all about focus--I was looking to Him.

With love,
Sarah