Faith and Rest

Hello All,

Learning to Rest
I am always so blessed by God's timing. Sometimes, He gives me a verse or a preview of a lesson long before I stumble upon my necessity for it in my circumstances. A little over a week ago, I was reading from Hebrews 3:
And it is we who are [now members] of this house, if we hold fast and firm to the end our joyful and exultant confidence and sense of triumph in our hope [in Christ]. . . . [Therefore beware] brethren, take care, lest there be any one of you a wicked, unbelieving heart [which refuses to cleave to, trust in, and rely on Him], leading you to turn away and desert or stand aloof from the living God. . . . For we have become fellows with Christ (the Messiah) and share in all He has for us, if only we hold our first newborn confidence and original assured expectation [in virtue of which we are believers] firm and unshaken to the end. . . . So we see that they were not able to enter [into His rest], because of their unwillingness to adhere to and trust in and rely on God [unbelief had shut them out]. The part of that passage that stuck out the most to me was that idea of God's rest. At the time I was reading this, I was sick with a cold and fever. There is nothing more humbling for me than being sick. I am almost never sick, so when I am, it always knocks me back into my place. Thus, the idea of rest was so much more appealing to me than normal, and the reality of the times when I am not resting in Him was so much more convicting. I am a thinker and an analyzer by personality. It is so difficult for me to restrain myself from thinking too much and over-analyzing every possible situation. When watching a movie or mystery television show, I am always the person trying to figure out what is going to happen next, and my own life is no different. Sometimes, I can get so caught up in the next step or in how everything is going to work out that I forget to just enjoy the ride and the journey. Within my relationship with God, it's the equivalent of going on a date with someone who refuses to stop trying to forecast what the next surprise or next step in the relationship is going to be. It is impossible to romance someone who is convinced that he/she is smart enough to figure out what's going to happen next. And, often, when the reality of circumstances does not line up with whatever expectations we have built up in our minds, we invite an ungrateful spirit to linger upon us instead of just accepting happily whatever God has chosen to give us or bring us through. This isn't a new lesson for me, sadly. It's one that God constantly has to remind me of, but this particular reminder was a timely one for everything that has so quickly transpired over just the past week.

Christmas with My Second FamilyAs I have mentioned in past updates, I have gotten very close to Roy's family. I see them often, and I have been so blessed and privileged that they have so willingly adopted me. This holiday season has been so much more precious because of them. I mentioned at Waldina's graduation that I wanted to learn how to make nacatamales (typical Christmas/New Year's food here). So, when the time came for the Rovelo family to make nacatamales, they let me join in to learn. It is an all day process that I absolutely loved. I spent the day in Abuela's kitchen as neighbors, friends, uncles, aunts, cousins, and other loved ones filtered in and out--giving their two cents about how much salt should be added, poking and prodding the women cooking, and just spending time together. I adore the entire family, and during this priceless day, what captured my heart were the little things--Silvia made me milk with cinnamon to help my cough; the children of the family are truly raised in a community of strong women who obviously love them enough to discipline them; and the whole family interacts together with the playfulness and innocence of children. I loved hearing Abuela talk about how her mother-in-law was the first one to teach her how to make nacatamales, and Abuela taught Mama Sonia (Roy's mom), who taught her kids, and a whole bunch of people in the family taught me. Although I am a gringa, I feel so privileged to be able to carry on the legacy simply by learning. As the evening ended, Nahum took me home on the motor bike (I still love zipping around on the bike at night) but not before I got a warm hug from Abuela and a sweet, "I love you very much." I love them all so much. I have truthfully never met a family who so readily makes me feel at home, totally comfortable with myself and with them, and who reminds me so much of my own family's playful dynamic. God has blessed me so much by bringing all of these precious people into my life.

On Christmas Day, I was overwhelmed with gratefulness to be here. For a while, Alvin's house here at the top of the hill was enveloped by a white cloud and rain, so while I may not have had snow, I did have a sense of a white Christmas. That evening, my boys (Raúl, Nahum, Roy, and Cristian) and I went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, Raúl took me with him, Nahum, and Cristian to Tatumbla (Roy's hometown) where I visited with Roy's mom, sister, grandmother, and the rest of the family. After the visit in Tatumbla, Raúl and Cristian brought me home where Alvin's family soon returned. Christmas Eve here in Honduras is celebrated similarly to New Year's Eve in the States. Everyone stays up very late; people visit until all hours of the morning; and fire crackers are an ever-present noise. A whole vanload of people came home with Alvin and Nelly, so I visited with them for a while before Raúl called me to see if I wanted to go with him to Cristian's house to eat--yet again! So, around 1 AM, the boys came to pick me up, and we headed to Cristian's. The kindness and generosity of Hondurans, especially to strangers, never ceases to amaze me. I had never met Cristian's family before in my life, and Cristian and I just became friends not too long ago, but they gladly welcomed me and fed me--excited that I would be trying torrejas (another typical celebratory food here) at their house for the first time. After so much warm and visiting, I returned home around 2:45 AM. I absolutely loved my first Christmas in Honduras. On actual Christmas Day, I spent the day just relaxing--I skyped with my family, hung out with Nahum at the Eagle's Nest, and just enjoyed the comfort of home with people who truly make me feel at home.

Losing Quendy
In the midst of all of this, major changes yet again were churning. Circumstances blow up here in a heartbeat to the point that you really just can never call what is going to happen next, which is where the lesson of resting came to the rescue during my time of need. During the past month, although Quendy and I have lived at Alvin's house, Quendy has not slept in the apartment with me. She has been sleeping in the bunkhouse above. I will truthfully say that I have struggled to know in what areas I am responsible for her, and in what areas I am released. I made it clear before moving here that I knew my limitations--that I could not be a mother but that I would gladly serve as an older sister. In the midst of this confusion for me, life was going on. Other than making sure that Alvin and Nelly knew any new information regarding what was going on with Quendy, I didn't feel like I had much control over various situations or that it was my place to assert rules and consequences. Ultimately, I still am not sure how I could have handled situations better, but gratefully, God does, and He is merciful. On Christmas Eve, Mamí Nelly told me that Quendy (who recently was given a cell phone by a neighbor boy, who turned out to be her boyfriend--a source of struggle for me) had been caught with a boy in the bunkhouse (I still don't know when this happened). And, furthermore, she confided in one of the women of the church that she thought she might be pregnant, and, if she was, she wanted to have an abortion. Like I said, everything here blows up rather quickly. On Christmas Day, Quendy ran away, leaving a note saying that she was going back to her mother's house. Quendy has lived away from her mother for years now because both of her parents were abusive. Her father is now in prison, but her mother still lives with Quendy's younger siblings. Since that night, we have found out that Quendy is not pregnant and that she is living in our neighborhood with a friend or perhaps with her boyfriend. Initially, when all of this first happened, I blamed myself and was quite heartbroken. But, in the midst of prayers that God would show me what I need to learn from everything that has happened and how I could have acted differently, I have been answered with nothing but peace and rest. I have no idea what is going to happen with Quendy, and I so long to talk to her, to reinforce the truth that no matter what she does, she is loved. But, at the same time, to me, the way that everything just seems to be disintegrating and getting worse has been evidence of two things for me--1) God is indeed hardening me to difficulties. The other night, Alvin just looked at me and said, "Sarah, are you sure you're ready for all of this? Ministry?" And, while I don't know that readiness is the issue at hand for me, I can confidently say that everything that has happened has in no way deterred me or discouraged me from being here in Honduras. On the contrary, it has reinforced the truth--I am not here because of anything that I think I can do to help. I am here for the sake of the call and for that reason alone. 2) All of this is evidence that God has to be the One doing the work. He is in control. He knows what Quendy needs far better than any of us humans do. The question that everyone keeps asking in the face of so many heartbreaking exits of Mayra, Claudia, Blanca, and Quendy has been, "I just don't understand. They have it so good. We gave them food, shelter, education, love, and a sense of family. Their lives were way better than what they came from. Why would they choose to leave all of that and throw that opportunity away?" And, surprisingly, I do understand. They each still carry an orphan spirit. They have each experienced so much abuse, so many painful experiences from people who were supposed to love them, that they have learned the lie that this treatment is all that they deserve, that they have no worth. We can do our best to give them new experiences and to treat them with real love and to teach them differently, but until God opens their hearts to receive this truth and this love, they still carry the pain of wandering orphans searching for truth and love and home. It has to be a work of the Father, and that is something that none of us can force. The most that we can do is seek diligently after the Father and rest that He is the One in control. When we seek Him and His Kingdom first instead of seeking to build our own kingdoms in His name, we learn to rest no matter what happens that perhaps makes us seem like failures. God only uses failures--how else would others see His glory instead of ours?

Farewell 2011So much has happened this year. I can hardly believe it. This is my second New Year's here in Honduras (I will be spending it with my second family--the Rovelos). I have changed so much since this time last year, and God has blessed me so much more than I can even fathom or express. During this past year, I student taught and graduated from college, leaving without any debt--truly just because of the grace and provision of God. I was able to take a nearly three-month road trip this summer across the US with my cousin for part of it and with my brother for the other part of it (which now only leaves nine states I haven't been to). That road trip was not only a dream come true but was also a precious honeymoon with God where He taught me how to depend on Him more and more. In September, I moved here to Honduras, and I already have residency for five years. In just a few days, I will celebrate four months of living here in my new home with people who are adopted family and with a God who has never ceased to amaze me with His romance and His love even in the midst of bouts of loneliness. In the coming year, I only have one desire and one resolution that trumps all of my greatest intentions and ideas--just more of Jesus, just more of allowing the Father to teach me how to love, and just obedience, obedience, obedience to walk with the Holy Spirit.
Thank you so much for being a continued part of my journey, for reading my thoughts and convictions, and for contributing to my life as a missionary here with your prayers and support.
Happy New Year's!

All my love,
Sarah

In the Spirit

Roy's family after Waldina's graduation

My new apartment

Hello All,

I have now spent over three months here in Honduras, and I am still so overjoyed to be here. Sometimes, it hits me in the midst of eating eggs, beans, and mantequilla or when I’m watching Raúl eat an ice cream cone like a small child or when I’m soaked from handwashing my laundry in the hot sun that I can’t believe how blessed I am to be here. I can’t help but laugh at God’s goodness. I am now living in the apartment adjacent to Alvin’s house, and I love living here. I love having my own sense of home. A few weeks ago, I had a bit of an independence day which made me really realize that I do, in fact, live here. Sometimes, my lack of independence in terms of not having my own means of transportation and the like is very stretching for me. I don’t like to ask others for help, and I have always been wildly independent, so the rare times when I am able to do things by myself is so invigorating for me. A few weeks ago, I drove the car to Quendy’s graduation (of fourth grade—we are so proud of her!), dropped her off to work with a family from our church, and then headed to the mall to try to buy some items for the apartment. I bought a cabinet to hold our dishes and food (the first and only furniture I think I’ve ever bought), and I had the guys from the store load the giant thing into the van. Then, as I was heading home, I missed the exit to go toward Danlí. Here, the roads are difficult to navigate for me because many are one-ways, and it’s like the interstate—when you miss your exit, you have to keep driving and driving to be able to turn around. Well, long story short, I got myself really lost. It was the perfect combination of elements to be lost—I was low on gas, I had a giant cabinet in the car and couldn’t see out of my side window or my rearview, it was rush hour in the middle of the city, and I was totally alone. I loved it because it was one of those rare, perfect occasions when I could depend on God alone. It reminded me of road trip adventures and brought me so much joy. I ended up calling Roy who thankfully was able to direct me in the right direction until I was in the middle of a place where I recognized. He was astounded by how lost I had gotten myself—ha ha, me too.

A week or so ago, I was back at the Eagle’s Nest (Raúl still lives there) washing Raúl’s clothes. I was listening to a Heidi Baker podcast that I had downloaded before I moved but had never listened to. In the beginning of her message, she was just saying the names of various people who were in the audience or listening at home and giving them words of knowledge from God. As I was scrubbing at the pila, I just had a random thought of, “How cool would it be if she had a word for me even a year after the fact? God isn’t bound by time.” I had no sooner thought it than she said my name: “Sarah, you’re coming into your destiny. Sarah, you’re coming into our destiny—your destiny as a laid-down lover of God. Your destiny in ministry and missions, and it’s like I feel like the Lord’s just saying today that as fish of many kinds come home that He’s going to do the cleaning Himself, and He says don’t be worried about the past. Just come into the future. Come into the future now. Come into your destiny. And let Me love you and let Me call you home. And let me pour My grace upon you. There’s an amazing blessing this morning for grace. I just hear that—immense grace.” I was dumbfounded and so blessed. How cool is God?! Living back up at Alvin’s house has been like walking down memory lane, remembering all of the precious moments I have had with God over the years at this place. I have found myself rereading old journals and reliving that first year when I was learning just how much of a romantic God is. He still is—the old flame for my first Love is still there. He always so beautifully knows what I need and want so much better than I do. He still has a knack for romancing me in the smallest of details and in the most unexpected places as was evident in that message that morning.

The other element of life that has been such an amazing blessing has been Roy’s family. Recently, Roy’s sister, Waldina, invited me to be a part of her graduation. She is the first of her siblings to graduate from university, and we are so proud of her. She received her licensure as a preschool teacher. I felt so special to be included in their family’s celebration. I don’t even really know why they invited me, but I was so blessed to be able to spend the afternoon with all of them, joking, laughing, and just watching their family dynamic. I have been so blessed by how their family has adopted me. Nahum and Raúl come here often to visit and have dinner with me, and I obviously see Roy everyday because he works here at the house for Papí. Roy’s mom, Sonia, told me that she would let me come visit her when she is making torrejas and nacatamales (typical Christmas food of Honduras) so that I could learn how to make them. The boys and I plan on spending Christmas together as the 24th and 25th aren't really as widely celebrated as the 31st, and Raúl invited me to come with him to his family's New Year's Eve dinner. I never know what God has in store for me here, but I look forward to my first Christmas here in Honduras and with this precious family who I love so much.
Meanwhile, I am always learning. Nearly a month ago, Papí said he’d been praying for me, and God told him something for me—He brought to mind Hebrews 5:8:Although He was a Son, He learned [active, special] obedience through what He suffered.Alvin thought it was interesting that Jesus had to learn obedience because we tend to think that it came with the package of being the Messiah, but here, the Bible clearly says that He learned obedience through His suffering, and Alvin felt as if God was saying that this is the place that God is calling me to right now but that I should also remember that Jesus Himself had to suffer to learn obedience. It is true—this is where I find myself now. I am learning obedience and oftentimes it is in the midst of suffering. My life right now is a rainbow. The beauty and full spectrum of color of life is only visible when humble tears are present. It is stretching for me to be in Honduras finally and still feel as if I am not going to least of these, to the streets, to the dump, etc. But, at the same time, I don’t feel released to “do” anything. The other day, I was walking through Villa Vieja, our neighborhood, and I caught the eyes of a young man with bloodshot eyes and a lost expression. As soon as our eyes locked, I heard God say in my spirit, “There are people in this neighborhood who don’t know Jesus.” As I turned that truth over in my head, my instinct (as so terribly is the case) was to start trying to figure out a way to reach those people who don’t know Jesus. My thoughts already had turned to what I could do only seconds after God told me this. But, God didn’t tell me to do anything. It is as if God tells me a secret, and the first thing I want to do is run out and make it happen, but maybe He hasn’t told me all of the secret yet. Nearly a year ago, when I was here in Honduras, God kept bringing to mind the scripture dealing with worshipping God in spirit and in truth. God made it clear before I left that it is often much easier for me to worship Him in truth than it is in spirit. Part of worship, to me, is how we live our lives and how we treat the Jesus we see (or don’t see) in others. God made it clear that it is much easier for me to see a way to share the truth with someone and to boldly tell them what I see—it’s often much easier that way because as soon as I say the truth, I am free; the burden is lifted; and I am no longer responsible. It is much more difficult for me to worship God and love others in spirit, but it is necessary to be like Jesus. While Jesus was on the earth, He saw so many people suffering. He saw so many people sick. He saw the wounds of everyone around Him. But, although He had the power as God’s Son, He didn’t heal them all. He didn’t take away the pain of them all. He didn’t prophesy over them all or reveal the future for all of them. He only did what the Father led Him to do. He was only obedient to the Father. So, what did He do with all of that pain, suffering, sickness, and loneliness He saw in others? I think we tend to think that Jesus’ greatest point of pain was when He was on the cross and when He had taken on all of the sin of the world—perhaps, this is likely true. But, I think that we can focus so much on that moment that we forget the suffering Jesus passed through during His entire time on earth. He wasn’t driven by the necessities of others as much as He was driven by obedience to the Father. In so many cases, rather than healing and alleviating the pain and suffering, He merely suffered with them. Recently, I was listening to a different Heidi Baker podcast, and she said that God calls us to suffer like Jesus did. Suffering is not having to depend on God for our needs—that’s the adventure. Suffering is not persecution because the Bible says we can count that as pure joy. Suffering like Jesus means seeing as He saw. It means seeing the pain and suffering of others and not being blind to it, but at the same time, not going off in a frenzy of action and strategy to alleviate it. Suffering like Jesus means only doing what God tells us to do in obedience in the midst of seeing the pain of others. Suffering like Jesus means embracing the helplessness and offering all that we see with His eyes up as an offering of prayer and intercession to the Father so that whatever He chooses to do will be His work for His glory—not ours. This is worshipping the Father in spirit. Blessed are the poor in spirit. This lesson is very difficult for me. Sometimes, I feel so useless. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by the need here and by the quiet and seemingly ineffective life I lead here. But I also know that I don’t want to do any work of my own. I only want to be a willing vessel for the Father’s Kingdom. Time is of no bearing for Him; He is not bound by its dimensions. Thus, I have no need to worry over what I may humanly see as wasting time. As I recently told Roy, if we are in God’s will, we are never wasting our lives. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is that we are seeking God, His will, and His Kingdom first.

Lots of love,
Sarah

Unselfish Love



Blanca and I (January 2011)







Hello All,

This past week has been so very good. Thank you all very much for the prayers and support and love and kindness. After struggling through much of last week, I finally reached a breaking point where I realized such a simple truth--we don't battle against flesh and blood. When I took hold of this truth, the way that I dealt with various difficulties in the house changed; I saw it much more as a spiritual problem rather than a mundane difficulty. I was much more able to let the girls know what I was and wasn't willing to tolerate, and we didn't have any more problems. It's not that the lying stopped--it didn't--but my attitude in the midst of it was much better, much more spiritually prepared. Once again, this time has been another example of how God is bringing to pass Isaiah 41 in my life:
I will strengthen you and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.I am learning the great importance of knowing who I am in Christ. When I know my worth deeply, the opinions of others, the rejection of others, the criticism of others, my own failures, and the deception of others doesn't matter. As a child of God, it is enough that I am being obedient to Him and that He is pleased with me, and even when I fail, it is still enough that His love is not based on my success. I am currently reading a book by Henri Nouwen called Home Tonight, and it's pretty good so far. Two passages that really stuck out to me when I was reading the other day are:
I have to touch and be touched from the place of my belovedness more than from the place of my need. (40).
. . . it is possible to experience goodness, friendship, and affection without my whole life becoming dependent upon it. It is also possible to feel rejected and abandoned without being destroyed. There's nothing as painful as being rejected, but if it is lived against the background of the first love, it becomes possible to survive. (46).
I have known for a long time that no other human being can fill the void that exists within each of us only for God. No friend, no family member, no significant other will ever be able to touch the darkest and loneliest places of our hearts--those spaces are reserved only for the brilliant light of the Father's love. Yet, knowing this fact logically and growing to a place where my will, my character, my thoughts, and my life are conformed to this spiritual truth are two different things--the latter is an ongoing process with the Lord. It has been my prayer for many years that God would teach me how to love with His perfect, unconditional, unselfish love. I recognize the importance of motivations. It's not enough for our love to appear pure. It really must be a fountain that springs from the Father if it is to bear any fruit in the lives of others. I am grateful for the loneliness because being deprived of human companionship brings me deeper into the heart of the Father and teaches me to rely on Him to fill my need for love and acceptance rather than expecting any human to do so. Thus, I have been reminded of who needs to hold my undivided attention, who needs to captivate my heart, and who deserves the uninterrupted gaze of my eyes--only Jesus. When our eyes are on our circumstances, our loneliness, or our pain, they aren't on Jesus, and we nurture self-pity and selfishness.

A prime example of a wake up call for me in this regard came Sunday. I spent the afternoon by myself at the house because the girls were at Alvin's house for the day. While it was nice to be released from responsibility, I was still rather nursing the wound of loneliness. When I emerged from my room into the living room, God reminded me of where my eyes need to be by bringing me my little friend, Doe, to come visit me. Doe is our 11-year-old neighbor. He is so precious. He lives in a cement building beside our house with his mother, his older sister, and his younger sister. His father died about two years ago. He was murdered while his mother was pregnant with his younger sister. Doe is often home alone or with his sisters because his mother works to provide for their family. He comes to visit me often, even when the girls aren't here, and we'll talk about whatever stories he wants to tell me, or he'll watch television here or watch me make bread or clean. When Doe came on Sunday, I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "Nothing." I asked him where his family was. "They're in the house." "Your friends?" He laughed and said quietly, "I don't have any friends." "You don't have any friends at all? Not the neighbor boys?" "Well, I do have two friends. One is a boy and the other is a girl." He told me about the little boy who he's friends with, and then, when I asked where his friend who is a girl lives, he said, "Here." He laughed, and I realized that I am one of two friends that this sweet little boy has. Here I am sad over feeling alone when I'm one of the few friends this little guy has. If my eyes remain on myself and what I feel I'm lacking, will I ever see Jesus in the Does of this world, the others who are lonely and waiting for a friend? No, probably not. This small reminder has stuck with me all week and completely opened my eyes and changed my attitude.

Yesterday, Roy and I drove Blanca back home to her grandmother in Nacaome. She finished school yesterday, and Alvin told us that it was time for her to leave. So, we drove the roughly two hours there and spent some time with her family. Blanca didn't want to leave, and she and Quendy were very sad. Blanca's family is very poor. Blanca will be living with her grandmother in a home that they built themselves out of mud bricks and some wood. They sleep in hammocks and have a dirt floor. When Roy asked them what they had for Christmas, the grandmother said, "Nothing." Traditionally here, for Christmas, Hondurans make nacatamales which are a kind of tamale filled with all kinds of filling, including meat. But, meat in that area is too expensive for them. My heart hurt, and I longed to help (even as I only had 18 lemps in my pocket at the time) as we listened to her aunt tell us of how hard she has to work and how frustrated she is that she feels that Blanca has thrown her opportunities away. We tried to patiently explain that the house closed for many reasons, and furthermore, depending on Blanca's behavior there, she may be able to come back to the city to live in another house run by another ministry to continue studying. Right now, it is the long break for schools here, and truthfully, Blanca needs a time of tough love. She needs to be reminded of what she has been granted here, and as the saying goes, you often don't know what you have until it's gone. While it is difficult for both her and us (because we love her), we want to demonstrate the love of the Father, which is both merciful but also disciplines us like the children we are.

I was grateful that Roy was there for this conversation with Blanca's family because he is able to reach his fellow Hondurans in a way that I'll never be able to do so. As Blanca's aunt was telling us how hard she's had to struggle, I felt helpless to say anything comforting--even though I fully believe the truth of Isaiah 58, which according to The Message, says that God can give us a full life in the emptiest of places. (If I didn't believe that truth, I wouldn't have moved to Honduras. I wouldn't be so dedicated to the idea of downward mobility and the idea that if Jesus descended to live like us, that we should be willing to live like others to reach them with His love, regardless of poverty, danger, or whatever. It's about being eternally-minded rather than earthly-minded.) I truly believe that He is enough, but that is very easy for me to say, being a gringa from wealthy North America who has never endured what these people have. I always want to be sensitive to when it is possible for others to receive messages of truth and hope from me and when I need to be quiet so that someone else can share their truths and experiences. This was definitely a time where it was much better to be quiet because Roy started sharing the story of his family--how he comes from a family of six kids and a single mother who sacrificed and worked hard so that all of them could be fed and have an education. All of them graduated from high school, and the youngest, Waldina, will graduate from university in December. Listening to Roy, I was so proud of who he is and so grateful for who God has created him to be even in the midst of every difficulty he has endured. God is faithful, and Roy's life is a prime example that God is truly in control, and Blanca's life is not over. With Christ, all things are possible, but we have to learn to submit to Him, to give Him all of our lives. I so hope and pray that this season is a time where Blanca learns to draw near to the Father. Please join with me in praying for Blanca during this time.

With yesterday being Thanksgiving (they don't celebrate it here) and with the fact that my last entry expressed some of my difficulties, I also wanted to let you know just how thankful I am to be here. Yesterday on the car ride home, Roy and I were practicing some English--he understands so much, and he is getting so much better at speaking! I asked him, "Are you happy?" He said, "Yes, I am very happy. Are you happy?" I smiled and said, "Yes, I am very happy." Then he surprised me by saying in English, "Why?" I had to laugh and then said, "Because I am in Honduras." Then he switched to Spanish and said, "Is that the only reason?" I laughed again and said no, of course not, and asked if he wanted to hear all of the reasons why. "Of course." I thought about it for a while and then had to say, "I don't know how to answer because I am happy about everything," because the truth is that God is so good to me. When we finally reach that place where we know we are in God's will, where we trust that God loves us, and we're dedicated to waiting for His best, it doesn't matter what does or doesn't happen because we can trust the truth of Romans 8:28:
We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.
I am so thankful that I get to wake up every morning in this place that captured my heart so long ago. I am so blessed to be right where God wants me. I am grateful for my supportive friends and family both in the US and here. I give thanks for the lessons I am learning, for the struggles God is bringing me through, and for even the loneliness I experience because I know that God is teaching me to love unselfishly and to touch others from a place of belovedness rather than out of need or expecting anything in return. Papí Alvin recently texted me thanking me for being here and for doing what he needed me to do in staying here in the house with the girls, and when I was thinking of how to respond, I realized what a pleasure it all truly is. It is always a pleasure to be obedient to God because whatever I endure makes me more like Jesus, and that makes it all worth it. Now, I'm just waiting for whatever it is that God has next.

Lots of love,
Sarah



Old school picture of Roy Boy and I (January 2011)...we're both very happy! ;)



Whatever's in front of me, help me to sing hallelujah



My family for the past two and a half months (minus Raúl and Nahum)...

Hello All,

It has been quite a roller coaster since I last updated. On November 16, Sara and Sally left to move to Nicaragua. This past week has been very difficult for me. I am generally pretty positive, especially with anything that I send out into the world of the internet, but I don't want you to get the idea that life here is always easy--it isn't. I am constantly learning, and a lot of times, that learning is through struggle.

One of the biggest struggles that I have is in part due to my personality. I grew up being very much a perfectionist, especially in school work. Now, I'm less of a perfectionist, but I always have much higher expectations for myself than anyone else has for me, which also means that when I fail, I'm much harder on myself than anyone else is on me. For this reason, I tend to be overly sensitive to criticism. In this environment, all of these facts about myself are amplified. Being a gringa, everything I do is under a microscope--the way I cook, eat, speak, drive, everything. There are lots of gringos (North Americans) who live here and whose behavior gives all gringos a bad reputation. Oftentimes, I feel like I can't win, that I can't do anything right. Just as there is an unspoken code of conduct in every culture, there are unspoken rules or tendencies of the Honduran culture that I don't know because I haven't lived here that long. I'm always learning, which is good, but I often feel like the odds are against me since I already have to fight the bad image that people from the US often have. For someone who doesn't like to draw a lot of unnecessary attention and doesn't like to be a burden for anyone, it is a very stretching condition. When I was growing up, I was a pretty quiet, independent kid. I was the kind of kid that didn't like to ask for help and would let my shoes hurt my feet for months before I told my parents that I had outgrown them simply because I didn't want to be a burden. Because of these attitudes, there were often times where I needed help in schoolwork while being homeschooled or should've shared my struggles of being a kid but didn't. My stubborn independence and the constant assumption that I was mature for my age often left me feeling alone unnecessarily. I rather feel like that younger version of myself now. I've grown accustomed to Honduran life and the Spanish language enough to be more or less independent and left alone but that doesn't always mean that I couldn't use the help and friendship of others. An example of this recently was that Roy and I went to the immigration office to turn in my residency paperwork. He told me to ask the lady up front for directions. I did, but I didn't understand one word that she said (all it takes is one important word, and I'm lost). I wasn't worried, though, because I knew Roy had heard her directions too. So, I walked a few steps, stopped, and waited for him to guide me. Instead, he said (almost with a sense of frustration), "Sarah, what did the lady tell you?" I repeated what she said and then explained that I didn't know one of the words. He directed me to where to go and soon after approached me to say, "Sarah, I have to apologize to you. I need to have patience with you. I'm sorry. In my mind, you already understand almost everything in Spanish, so when you act like you're confused or you don't follow instructions, I don't understand what's wrong. I forget that you are still learning, so please forgive me for my lack of patience." I was grateful for this apology because I do often struggle with giving myself the freedom to fail, and when others don't give me the freedom to fail, it makes it a million times worse. It's a constant struggle for me to remember that I only have one person to please--Jesus, not even myself (especially not myself, because I could never live up to my own expectations).

In the midst of this ongoing battle with myself, Sara and Sally's leaving has been especially difficult. I am a very family-oriented person. I am the oldest of three, so I stayed at home a lot to take care of my siblings. I wasn't one to be running around with lots of friends growing up. Now, I tend to be a home body, and I can adapt to pretty much any new situation when I find a sense of family--biological or adopted--where I can let my guard down and rest comfortably. I had already developed a relationship with Sara and Sally and the girls over the years, so finding a sense of family when I first got here was pretty easy. With them leaving, I have felt rather lost. Unlike all of the other missionaries here, I have no one to go home to, no consistent sense of safety in another human being. I, of course, still have Quendy and Raúl and Nahum (and even Roy sometimes), but I have lost my primary protectors, comforters, confidants, my adopted mother, and my adopted aunt. This has resulted in much crying this week, but I'm a relatively emotional person, so perhaps, that's nothing new. On Tuesday, Roy and I went to the immigartion office for a second time. Then we headed to do some errands that he needed to do. While I was sitting on a bench, waiting for him, I found myself overwhelmed with loneliness and just heaviness of loss and feeling lost. I just started telling God (probably for the millionth time) how lonely I was, the pain I was feeling, etc. I am here out of obedience. I am here because I know that God sent me here, that He prepared me for years to come here. I'm not here for any other reason. Sometimes, there is no logical, apparent reason for my being here. But because of my desire to be obedient, I don't often even question the reason for being here. Even if I'm the most useless and solitary missionary, I know that God has a purpose for my being here, that even when I can't see, He is doing the work. So, I trust Him even as I cry and struggle. As I was having difficulty maintaining my composure while sitting on this bench, the young mother who was sitting across from me came over and sat down. I didn't know her and had never met or seen her before.

She said, "The Holy Spirit told me to come talk to you. He showed me that you have a spirit of loneliness all over you. He told me that you left everything--your home and friends and family--to come here. He wants you to know that you're not alone. You didn't make an error in coming here. Sometimes we have to go through difficulties, but God always has a purpose. Keep coming to Him with the difficulties because when you ask for His help, He is listening and working on your behalf. You are not alone." By this time, I was crying, of course, because I was so blessed that God sent a total stranger to send me such a timely message, one that I hadn't even demanded or even dared to ask for. I was prepared to endure with no answer from Him. I was so blessed by this woman's obedience. God does know what He is doing. He is working even when I can't see, and in the mean time, He is preparing me for whatever it is that He has next.

One of those preparations has been this week--probably one of the most trying weeks I've ever had in Honduras. (And it continues next week.) Sara and Sally had already bought their bus/plane tickets to leave before we knew when Blanca was going to finish school. She doesn't finish until the middle of next week. Thus, I was the one who was left with the responsibility of taking care of Quendy and Blanca until Blanca is done school. Once she is done, Quendy and I can move up to the apartment, and Raúl will stay to take care of this house until they make it into a home for boys. I was overwhelmed for days about having to take on this responsibility. We have had so many problems with lying and stealing in this house that I didn't feel like I could handle being the only one responsible for the girls. But, in the midst of feeling so ill-equipped and inadequate, I found solace in a Bethany Dillon song called "Hallelujah":

Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?

Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far

But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain

Swim the ocean or do anything

But it's when you hold me that I start unfolding

All I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

I'll choose to sing hallelujah

Oh, hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me,

I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun rises over castles

And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings into the streets

Where orphans play

And only you can see the good

In broken things

You took my heart of stone and you made it home

And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me,

Help me to sing hallelujah

This week has been wildly difficult. I was given a large house and family (of two teenage girls and Raúl) to take care of overnight. In some ways, I have embraced the opportunity to be a homemaker. I enjoy packing Raúl's lunch, cooking for my little family, making banana bread to sell, making guava jelly (for the first time) from guavas from Roy's family's garden, doing laundry, and making sure we have everything we need in the house. What has been difficult has been keeping track of the girls. They both have no problem lying to my face, and there is nothing that pains my heart more than lying. For someone who so needs a sense of family where it's possible to let the guard down and be safe, it has been exhausting living with these girls. If I have learned nothing else this week, it is that I never want to be a single mother because constantly having to be alert, guarded, and discerning all by myself has brought me to tears every day. I will say, however, that it has been a new opportunity to depend even more on God. I have developed so much wisdom in the two and a half months I've lived here. God has taught me numerous lessons about how to love and what love looks like in the face of constant manipulation. I have had to realize my necessity to go deeper into the heart of Jesus and to remember who I am in Him. I am a very soft-hearted person. Lying and manipulation is such a deep betrayal to me that it is very hard for me to let it go and not just withdraw into myself and emotionally shut down. I find myself angry at how much I am hurt by these girls who can hug me and shower me with compliments and love like they're my sisters and then in the next moment lie to my face. Even this morning as I was telling God how much I don't like about myself that I have an inability to protect myself and not internalize this betrayal, I heard Him say yet again, "But I like the way you are." Thankfully, today, I was granted a break as the girls went to spend the afternoon with a couple from our church. All I could say to God last night was, "Please, just let me have a little break. Enough to recharge." And, in His wonderful sweetness, He gave me just that. He so amazingly knows exactly what I need when I need it, often even when I don't know what I need.

Please keep me in your prayers that God would continuously grant me patience and endurance and that He would harden me to difficulty. As I often used to joke with Sara and Sally, God must have something big in store for the future with all of the patience and endurance He's cultivating within me now. Please also keep the girls in your prayers. I remember being their ages. Adolescence is not easy by any means, but it is made infinitely more difficult by one's own insistence to rebel, lie, steal, and run from God and real love. I do believe that God can always change someone's heart, but it breaks my own that oftentimes He must do so the hard way.

Lots of love,

Sarah



Catracha!

Hello All,


Well, tomorrow marks two months that I have lived here, and it's been a while since I've updated. First of all, I will happily say that less than two months after starting the process, I received my Honduran residency yesterday! I am so thankful and so blessed by how much quicker I received it than I expected--although realistically I've waited four and half years in all for this privilege. So, all I have left to do is get my carnet/ID card at Immigration although the Hondurans here all say that to really be a catracha, I need to let myself burn a whole lot more and eat a lot more baleadas. Ha ha.



It is unbelievable to me that I have only been here two months mainly because I still haven't surpassed the maximum time I lived here before, yet so much has happened and changed in such a short span of time. The Eagle's Nest will close by the end of this month (perhaps sooner depending on how impending decisions evolve). I have been hesitant to update because with the way that things change so quickly, anything that I say could very easily change. So, all decisions are more or less tentative right now. When the house closes, Quendy and I will move to the apartment adjacent to Alvin's house that is below the team bunkhouse. I am grateful that I'll have her, and I pray that it will work out to be beneficial for both of us. I am thankful that I won't have to live completely alone, and the hope for Quendy is that I can provide enough of a sense of family and stability as a big sister while still giving her increased responsibility and independence since she already is approaching 18-years-old. The tentative plan is that Blanca will return home with her family for the holidays and perhaps will return to live with Chad and Trina. Kimberly is set to live with Chad and Trina, which will be very good for her as Trina hopes to homeschool her. Trina is a teacher herself, and Kimberly could so use the one-on-one attention as she is 11-years-old and does not know how to read or write. Meanwhile, Tía and Mamí are ready to go and excitedly await their new adventure. I will miss them more than I can express. We have such a wonderful time together, and I have learned so much from these two very strong women. I have been so blessed by the time we've had together, and I will definitely be keeping up with them while they're in Nicaragua. Of course, I'll have to visit at some point too.

It's been a busy couple of weeks. We had two doctors here for a few days, so we had three straight days of clinics at the church, at Feeding Center #2, and in a small village called El Vino south of Tegus. The brothers, Dr. Craig and Dr. Jerry, were such wonderful blessings. I loved their low maintenance and adventurous attitudes and senses of humor as they served. Even though it was a lot of work with little rest for three days, working with them was so much fun. We happily anticipate when they will be returning. One thing I've learned during my many durations of time in Honduras is that it is absolutely amazing how quickly one can get attached to someone else. That's the way it tends to be in serving together--sometimes, God brings people into your life who just automatically share the same heart. Some of my dearest friends--both North Americans and Hondurans--have resulted from very quick encounters and God moments. I was re-reading some journal entries not too long ago and was reminded of a concept found in Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book, The Cost of Discipleship--the idea that Jesus is the Mediator of all of our relationships. And, really, this is a true and very refreshing thought. I am so grateful for who He has brought and continues to bring into my life and how He mediates all of my relationships with other humans.

This past week, we also had a team of seven guys here from Missouri. They did some construction work on the feeding centers and also helped Roy prepare some beams for the house he has been building. They were a very hard-working group and easy to get along with; I'm always grateful for people with whom you can joke, regardless of any language barrier. Even though we are always grateful for the work that teams do, what never ceases to strike me is that more than the walls built or murals painted, what endures are the relationships made between people in our ministry here, Hondurans, and volunteers from the US and other parts of the world. The teams who tend to return and who really allow Honduras to become a part of who they are generally are the ones who actively seek to build relationships during their stay.

During the time that the team was here, we went to the juvenile delinquent centers. The boys were on lockdown due to a riot that had happened a few days earlier. Marvin, one of the workers from our church, actually saved a couple of boys from being killed. The girls were free to visit, however, and I was happy to see them again. One girl, Pamela, who had been there when I came in January, had returned yet again for her second time there. She is only 12-years-old. She was placed back at Sagrado Corazón because she set something on fire at Casitas Kennedy (the orphanage). Girls there often do that to escape the orphanage and to go to the juvenile delinquent center. While I won't go into detail about Pamela's struggles, I will ask you to pray for her. I am always so blessed when someone here trusts me enough to share their burdens, and Pamela's pain broke my heart. Please keep her and the rest of the girls in your prayers.

Meanwhile, my own little life here continues. Sometimes, especially when teams are here, I'm very busy. Other times, it feels like I have nothing to do or that I'm just waiting on someone to give me a new job or task. I am once again learning to recognize that God often works in those times when I personally feel the least productive. He reminds me of how important relationships are and how He works through the smallest smiles and quickest prayers. So, when I have free time, I often visit with my boys at Raúl's business, and I have gotten in the habit of going with the boys (Raúl and Roy) whenever they play soccer in the neighborhood. Once again, I'm the only girl there (and a blond-haired gringa at that), but I love that Raúl invites me to go and that I can share in their favorite pasttime. They often come to the house after the game, and I enjoy feeding them, bringing them water, etc. as they compare notes and share laughter over the game. I love my boys very much and am so grateful for the sense of family they have provided me. With Sara and Sally leaving soon, having the boys is increasingly a comfort.

Many changes are in process, and in the midst of the shifting, I have once again found comfort in the book of Isaiah. Isaiah is one of my favorite books of the Bible, so it's hard to say any particular chapter or verse that strikes me most, but this one is pretty relevant for the time being:

Isaiah 43:19
Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
Thank you so much for reading, for your prayers, and for your support!

Love,
Sarah



Pamela in January at the juvenile delinquent center



Going Deeper...

Hello All,
I hardly know where to start to update you all on everything that has happened in such a short span of time. I am so grateful that in the midst of so many changes, God never changes, and to be fair, He did give me a heads up that the waters of circumstances would be rising. (It has been pouring here--that's for sure.) In my last update, I mentioned that two of our girls had run away but had returned. Well, only a day later, they left again, taking a third girl from the house with them. We were quite saddened and disappointed but, ultimately, God gave us peace that He was in control. After a few days living on the streets in the rain, cold, and hungry, Blanca returned after lengthy, tearful conversations with Papí Alvin. We were so blessed to have her back in the house. While we were heartbroken that she was on the streets, God was working in her heart because we have seen such a change in her since she has been back--a softening of her heart. God knows exactly what each one of us needs. His love is so perfect. The other two girls, Mayra and Claudia, eventually went to live with Claudia's grandmother and have since found jobs. In their cases, we hope and trust that God worked through us (more so Tía Sally and Mamí Sara than me) to plant seeds that He can harvest in His way and His time.

With all of that said, everyone in the house is now preparing for some major changes. Tía, Mamí, and I joke that we all asked to go deeper into dependency on God, and you have to be careful what you ask for! In truthfulness, we are all so grateful for the ways that God is leading onward into new directions and new adventures. We trust in His best, and we have no interest in forcing our own wills. I find myself thanking God often, especially for the situations that He permits that humble me and remind me of my desperate need for Him (and to swallow my pride to depend on others as well). The biggest change that will be taking place within the next couple of months involves a call of God on the lives of Tía Sally and Mamí Sara. They will be moving to Nicaragua to start a ministry of God's leading. They will be going with Alvin and Nelly's blessing, and I am excited to see what God has in store for them--and, of course, I plan to visit! When discussions about this change were first occurring, I felt at a loss. As I've already expressed, Tía, Mamí, the girls, Nahum, and Raúl are my family here, and the thought of losing my family was quite painful. However, God has His best. He knows what needs to happen for each of us. Originally, Tía and Mamí asked me if I wanted to go with them, but I knew instantly that I had to say no. God has called me to Honduras--even when I don't always know what His specific purposes are. Confirming this immediate response, nearly directly after the moment I said no, my residency lawyer called me after I hadn't talked to him for three weeks or so. He just called to let me know that all of my paperwork is in order, that we're still waiting, but I should have my residency on time. The timing of his call was not a coincidence. In the meantime, we are seeking God as to His best for each of the remaining girls--Blanca, Quendy, and Kimberly. Initially, while Tía and Mamí were committed to being obedient to God, we were all so heartbroken because we didn't know what would happen with the girls although we were all committed to their best interest and protection. God always has His best. His way is perfect, so while no concrete plans have been decided yet, we are encouraged by the ways in which it seems God is leading in terms of where to place the girls in safe and loving environments. Their lives are in His hands, and these changes, though very stretching, I believe, are being used by God to show the girls tangibly and personally how He will never abandon them and how deeply He loves each of them. In the midst of the pain of knowing that our adopted family here is going to be going in different directions, we are all running to God.

This past Sunday at church was difficult but so good. We all just cried out to God together and lay our wounds before Him. I think now more than ever the girls are realizing just how deeply we love each of them. While it is ridiculous, they are often the ones comforting me in the midst of my tears, and when they ask why I'm crying, all I can say is, "I just love you all so much." While we don't have a specific date set on when all of these changes will be taking place (much of the timing hinges on the girls' school year which ends at the end of November), when we all go in our separate directions, I will be moving up to the apartment at Alvin's house. God knows what each of us needs, and I trust that He knows that this is what I need for His ultimate good.

In the same way, God does care about the desires of our hearts as He reminded me in something so beautiful. On Wednesday night, after spending the whole day praying and once again putting my faith in God, my final prayer before I went to sleep was this: "God, I trust You, and I ultimately want Your best and only Your will. But, I selfishly ask that if there is any way possible, please don't take my family here away from me." The next morning, I woke up with peace and a renewed sense of joy about the entire situation. I said goodbye to Raúl as he left for work and began to read the Bible and pray. In the midst of my prayers, only 15 minutes later, Raúl called me which I thought was weird since I had just seen him. He called to invite me to his grandmother's birthday party. On Monday, Roy had taken us to run some errands, and he was telling Sara that on Friday his family was going to have a big dinner with the extended family to celebrate his grandmother's birthday. Roy and I have been friends for two years, so I've met some of his family (they are all so wonderful), and for whatever reason, I had the passing thought, "I would love to go." I didn't even form it into a prayer because in light of the fact that I'm not a part of the family, it seemed implausible and inappropriate. So, when Raúl called to invite me after that fleeting thought and after my prayer the night before, I was ecstatic.

I had no idea what to expect when we went. I thought perhaps other guests would be invited as well, but when Raúl and I arrived, I was the only non-family member there. Raúl and Nahum took me around to meet everyone, and (while I imagine they knew I was coming before) no one questioned why this random gringa was at their family event. I met half of Roy's mom's side of the family, including aunts, uncles, and cousins--the Rovelo side. Everyone was so wonderfully accepting. As I met some of the aunts, they said, "So this is the famous Sarah!" A year ago (I can't believe it's already been a year), Roy tried to get a visa to visit me in the States, and while he wasn't able to get a visa, his family did hear about me as he completed various steps in the process. One of the uncles said, "So you want to join the family, huh?" I laughed and said, "Of course! Why not? It's such a good family." The whole evening I was so blessed because I felt so at home. The Rovelos didn't treat me like a gringa outsider. They just treated me like another catracha, like family. They all joked with me and included me, and I was so amazed by how I so immediately felt like I belonged. They are such an affectionate family, and I love being around them. Raúl already made the comment that I have to come for New Year's as well. In light of the fact that my adopted family here will likely be dispersed by then, I am so grateful. When I was leaving, I gave one of the little cousins a hug, and her mother said, "Be sure to give her a hug because she's your godmother. She's part of the family." When the family was taking pictures with Abuela María, they took one with just Roy's branch of the family--his grandmother, mom, brothers, and sister. Everyone in the family said, "Sarah! Go get in the picture!" I hesitated because I'm not family, but they insisted. I imagined I'd only be on one, so I mentioned to Raúl, "Ok, now one without the gringa, right?" And he said, "No, Sarah, you're part of the family. You have to be in all the pictures." When I got home that night, I was so grateful to God and so blessed by my new adopted family. God always knows what each of us needs.

Every day here tends to be different, but when I have free time, I have found great joy in going to visit Raúl and the boys at his business. I know that it is quite a silly sight to see a blonde-haired gringa sitting in the midst of stacks of tires and oil-covered men, but I am so blessed that my brothers here not only allow me to come visit, they thank me for keeping them company. The most important thing in ministry and life in general, to me, has always been relationships. I was blessed to find myself yesterday talking with Richard (Roy's brother) and a pastor about being a missionary and the beauty of Christ. Jesus can have His way anywhere and in any conversation. We just have to be willing to invite Him.

Thanks so much for reading and please continue to keep all of us here in Honduras in your prayers. This is especially needed as the rainy season is in full force, and many people are facing flooding, mudslides, and other difficulties as a result. We also will be having a medical team here starting tomorrow, so I look forward to loving on people and showing the love of Jesus by touching physical needs.

All for Jesus,
Sarah

Ezekiel 47

Don't let them fool you--they do actually smile...just not in pictures.



The girls with our brother, Raúl

 Hello All,
It has been a while since I updated about anything, and I have now lived here for over a month. I can't believe how quickly time passes here (and really in general). I am slowly building a life here with more roots than before. It's interesting to shift from the attitude that I'll only be here for a summer or a couple months to really investing in making a life. Every day has the potential to be different in terms of where I'll be going and what I'll be doing. I love that fact about my life. With that said, there are some aspects of things that are helping me settle in. I have started painting my room here in the Eagle's Nest--a bright yellow to bring in more light, etc. It's like walking into a room full of sunshine. I love it. I have also been so blessed by Raúl who has so willingly helped me with everything--puttying the holes in the wall, painting, taking me to buy paint, etc. I am excited to finish so that I can move into my own space. I also have started running in the mountains every Thursday with Nahum. I love it. Even though when 4:45 AM rolls around, I dread exiting the warmth of my blankets, because I have the support of a running buddy, I go. And, once we finish, I love it and feel so much better throughout the rest of the day. I need to start running more than just one day a week though. It's all a process. Step by step. Little by little. Nahum also gave me my first lesson on the motor bike--until Roy butted in and took over, and before too long, Raúl wanted in on teaching me as well. There aren't a lot of women here who drive motor bikes, but they are so much more convenient than cars that I definitely want to learn.

I am always learning here and having to learn to depend on others which isn't always easy for me. About a week ago, I was driving Sally's van up to Nelly's house in the pouring rain, and ended up in the ditch when I moved over for pedestrians and didn't see that the torrential rain had washed out that part of the sand/gravel road. All I could do was call Roy who came down and helped for close to two hours with a bunch of his friends to tow me out of the ditch. He laughed and was having the time of his life being in charge and rescuing me--partially because he knows how much I hate asking for help and, yet, I had to rely on him. Then, of course, all of the neighbors came out to see the crazy gringa stuck in the ditch, and after laughing, they all helped. It was very humbling and hilarious. The car was fine, and to be fair, the neighbor told me that the same thing happens to others all the time. I was overwhelmed to tears with the love that God showed me in all of the kindness of the neighbors, Raúl who came to help in the midst of all of it, and Roy who was running the show. I am a very independent woman, so not having my own means of transportation, my own social life (other than my boys), etc. is a stretch for me, but it does make me depend on God (and others) more. Yesterday, I didn't wait for Raúl to come home before putting the second coat of paint on my room. He came a bit later and said to Mamí Sara about me, "This one won't depend on any man, will she?" I told him that it wasn't his room. It's mine, so it's my responsibility. Plus, I'm not lazy, so I'm going to do what work I can do. But, he does have a point. I hate asking for help and having to depend on others. If there's a way that I can do something myself, I generally will try to find it and do it. This isn't always the best quality to have, but I'm grateful for the patience that my boys show me. They're pretty good about letting me think I'm independent in the midst of quietly helping me. I am so appreciative of that.

I have also been so blessed by how God helps me in every detail of my life. I had a difficult couple of days last week. I kept coming to God and asking for Him to work in my heart and remind me of His love, to help me know that I am being obedient and that He approves of me. The greatest desire of my heart is that I am obedient to God. Nothing else really matters. As long as He approves of me, I am content. We have a traveling evangelist here from Canada who is having nightly meetings, speaking at the church, etc. We went to one of the meetings not far from Feeding Center #1. During worship, I just had my eyes closed and was once again, just surrendering everything to God, asking Him to work in my heart and assure me that I am following His will. All of the sudden, a little girl I had never met in my life was in front of me, rubbing my face and petting my hair. She jumped into my arms and stayed there for the rest of the night. There is nothing quite as sweet as the love of a little child, and what a beautiful demonstration of God's love that was for me. I felt so blessed by little, 5-year-old Kenia.

Church last Sunday was also very good. God obviously had my number. I love corporate worship, and as Mamí Sara and I often discuss, when there are struggles in our hearts that need a touch from God, it is usually in worship that God fixes those things wordlessly. Then, Chuck Price, the evangelist from Canada spoke from Ezekiel 47. As soon as I heard the text from which he was speaking, tears came to my eyes again because that passage has been on my heart since I got here. I keep hearing what Heidi Baker mentioned in the book I read--when the waters of the river of circumstances keep rising, we can either try to figure things out on our own, or we can come deeper into God's presence and depend more on God. Everything that was happening and continues happening is an invitation from God to come deeper with Him. When I look at circumstances with that mindset, I have peace and feel so privileged because the more difficult the circumstances, the more God is inviting me to come deeper. And, I so want to go deeper with Him--more than anything else.

This idea brings me to our latest challenge. Let me make clear--it is always a challenge to have the wisdom to deal with the girls in the Eagle's Nest on a regular basis. They are precious, and they do all come from difficult, terrible backgrounds. However, as is often the case in this country, they have also become skilled in manipulation for survival. It is so difficult to daily have the discernment necessary to keep from enabling our girls. We always want to treat them with godly love and compassion, but after many experiences, I have had to learn that we can never make assumptions about what God's love looks like for an individual. We always have to seek God as to what His love is supposed to look like specifically, how He means to reach a person. God lavishes affection on us, but He also disciplines us. Real love is not only candy, cookies, entertainment, hugs, new things, and fun. Real love is also counsel, correction, instilling work ethic, consistency of relationship, and high expectations for improvement amidst difficult life circumstances. God's love is the perfect demonstration of the love needed in this house, the love that we humbly try to provide. God is so faithful to provide our needs. When we are constantly conscious of His love, we recognize the sweetness like rainbows, little children, and affection from others as the fun part of His love. But, He also treats us as children--when we are disobeying, He allows us to have consequences even as He forgives us. Yesterday, two of our girls ran away in the middle of the night. They are now back, but in the midst of this upheaval, all of us in the house are in a place of deeper seeking of God because we recognize that in and of ourselves, we can't do anything. In and of ourselves, we don't have the wisdom we need to best love these girls. We want the absolute best for them, but we are wise enough to know that often what they think they want is not actually the best for them. All of us in the house want to go deeper into dependency on God, and the waters of circumstances are rising. We feel like we're at a loss, but at the same time, we trust that in our surrendered state, God is working in ways that we can't see.

Please keep me and everyone within the Eagle's Nest and the ministry here in your prayers. We are so desperate for more of Jesus. Only He can do the work in each one of the girls' hearts and lives. No amount of persuasion, etc., on our part is going to do touch their lives in the deep places as only God can do.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

It's All Spiritual...

Hello All,

The first time I ever came to Honduras, one of the guys from our team made a comment that has stuck with me since then: "It's either all spiritual, or none of it is spiritual." I very much believe that it is all spiritual, and we can either live with a deep understanding that there is a realm beyond our own and be participants as subjects in the Kingdom of God, or we can be commodities to be used by the enemy without our knowledge. I have no desire to be a commodity. Life is very real here. If you haven't been here, I don't know how to explain to you what that means necessarily except to insinuate that death is always so close that life takes on an entirely different light. Many people around here don't necessarily have time to worry about trivialities because they're too busy figuring out how to feed their families. The literal poverty is quite real, but in addition to poverty in the physical realm, the poverty in the spiritual realm is quite real (just as it is quite real in the US as well--and in some cases, worse). There are so many people here whose stories I know well, who have experienced terrible things, who are struggling to believe that there is better, who I look at and know very deeply that, in and of myself, there is absolutely nothing I can do to help them. I am quite poor in spirit because on a daily basis I am faced with the truth that as a human being, I am so helpless to do anything meaningful for the Kingdom of God. Yet, even as sometimes, I feel so heartbroken by so many attitudes and circumstances here, I am not discouraged because even in the midst of it, God is making Himself so real to me. It is a process of humbling. I will say frankly that well-intentioned people who think that they can come down here with their own strategies and ideas for how to help without abiding in Christ and taking the time to listen and seek His very best humbly, are crazy.

I look into the faces of the girls at the Eagle's Nest, even as they are lying to me sometimes, and I listen to the struggles of my adopted brothers and know that only Jesus is enough. But, that's the beauty of it--He IS enough. My advice, my ideas, my strategies, and my human love will never ever be enough to sustain these people who are searching for real love. It all has to come from Him. I have been so encouraged by reading the Heidi Baker book, The Hungry Always Get Fed:

What is this life all about? Is it about how many people we lead to Jesus or how many churches we plant or how good a person we have been? Or is it about being so hidden in the heart of our awesome, eternal God of love that we are swallowed up in Him, so that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us? . . . the reason that I am alive, is for this purpose and this purpose alone; to learn how to love like Jesus loved. . . . at the end of the day, what matters most is LOVE! I am trying to learn to be like Christ in every possible way, yet every day, I am seeing that Christ is already inside of me and He is happy to come out and make Himself known through me to the lost and dying world around me. . . . What is faith working through love? Simply abiding in Christ and letting the sweetness of His presence flow through us and minister to those around us who are lost, dying and desperate for God. It is believing that which Christ accomplished for us on the cross is enough to equip us and empower us to be bright, shining lights amidst a crooked and perverse generation. It is laying down our lives, so that the kingdom of God can come forth to the broken, the lost, the dying and the weak. (171).

Stop looking at your limited resources and start looking at the One who can multiply them. Stop looking at your life and thinking how insignificant it looks! Yield it to God, fully, totally, completely, and allow Him to multiply it. . . . As God worked in my life and taught me to live in His presence, eventually, I stopped looking at me. . . . Instead, I began dwelling in the secret place of God where my heart and mind were always focused on Him and not on me. I became so overwhelmed with who God is, that I stopped worrying about "me" altogether. My purpose became to keep my vision fixed on the beauty of Him, the glory of Him, the holiness of Him, the all-sufficiency of Him! . . . we cannot hold back from God. You cannot divide up your life, giving a bit to God and holding some back for yourself, just in case He doesn't show up. It's all or nothing! God doesn't do half-measures. You have to throw yourself into Him completely, holding nothing back. Then He is able to do the miraculous with your life. Then He can do what only He can do. (174-175).


This is the place I find myself. When I look at the circumstances, I am totally overwhelmed. Oh, but to look on the face of Jesus, the beautiful face of Jesus--He is so real. He is enough. I love worship, and for me, the best way to worship is to close my eyes to shut out any distractions. And, it is the same way in abiding with Christ. When I am heartbroken, I come to Jesus and ask for His eyes. I let Him draw me into the secret place. My favorite song right now is Jesus Culture's song, "Come Away."

Come away with Me. Come away with Me. It's never too late. It's not too late. It's not too late for you.


I have a plan for you. I have a plan for you. It's going to be wild. It's going to be great. It's going to full of Me.


Open up your heart and let Me in.

This past Sunday, I was just in worship at church and bringing before Him once again my own helplessness and the things I see here that have me heartbroken. I began to pray for God to stir the hunger and thirst for righteousness. With my eyes closed, God just began to show me that I was in the midst of the whirlpool at Niagara Falls where my brother and I visited only a month and a half ago. His hands were stirring the hunger and thirst for righteousness like a whirlpool. It is important to note that He was the one doing the stirring. No man in and of himself regardless of how great of a sermon, how sacrificial an offering, how intuitive a counseling session, etc. can stir the hunger and thirst for righteousness in the heart of someone else. Only God can do that, and it is only through this hunger that God's best begins to manifest in the lives of human beings. In the midst of this stirring, I was reminded of the river of God's presence in Ezekiel. As the whirlpool churned and the waters were rising all around me--waters of hunger and thirst for righteous and waters of difficult circumstances and heartbreak in the natural--I found myself dancing with Jesus, laying my head on His heart. I wasn't afraid of drowning because He was holding me. I was perfectly secure listening to His heartbeat.

The message of this image was continued in the scriptures from which Pastor Marcus spoke on Sunday--2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Habakkuk 3:17-19, and Deuteronomy 8:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10


And to keep me from being puffed up and too much elated by the exceeding greatness (preeminence) of these revelations, there was given me a thorn (a splinter) in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to rack and buffet and harass me, to keep me from being excessively exalted. Three times I called upon the Lord and besought [Him] about this and begged that it might depart from me; but He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]: for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength).

Habakkuk 3:17-19


Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord: I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation! The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army. He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility!
from Deuteronomy 8:


All the commandments which I command you this day that you shall be watchful to do, that you may live and multiply and go in and possess the land which the Lord swore to give to your fathers. And you shall [earnestly] remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you recognize and personally know that man does not live by bread only, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord. . . . Know also in your [minds and] hearts that, as a man disciplines and instructs his son, so the Lord your God disciplines and instructs you. So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, to walk in his ways and [reverently] fear him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills; a land of wheat and barley, and vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey; a land in which you shall eat food without shortage and lack nothing in it; a land whose stone are iron and out of whose hills you can dig copper. When you have eaten and are full, then you shall bless the Lord your God for all the good land which He has given you.

God knows what He is doing. While the circumstances and spiritual soil may seem tough, God is at work. He is stirring the hunger and thirst for righteousness. And, in His perfect timing, He will bring forth people who are ready to come to Him, ready to hear the truth of God, and ready to receive His love. Meanwhile, I am content that He is humbling me and that He is allowing me to hunger after Him. The greater my weakness, the more perfect His strength and ability to work through my life. The greater my hunger, the more space He can fill in my heart.

Please keep Honduras in your prayers. Please never discount the power of prayer to the ministry here. As Papí Alvin put it to me four years ago, it is the very life blood of the ministry. We cannot exist without prayer, without seeking God. If you are reading this, I would ask you to consider taking Joel 2:12 to heart in regard to Honduras:

Therefore also now, says the Lord, turn and keep on coming to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning [until every hindrance is removed, and broken fellowship is restored].

I so appreciate all of you who stand with me in prayer. I am unspeakably grateful.

All for Jesus,

Sarah