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| Blanca and I (January 2011) |
Hello All,
This past week has been so very good. Thank you all very much for the prayers and support and love and kindness. After struggling through much of last week, I finally reached a breaking point where I realized such a simple truth--we don't battle against flesh and blood. When I took hold of this truth, the way that I dealt with various difficulties in the house changed; I saw it much more as a spiritual problem rather than a mundane difficulty. I was much more able to let the girls know what I was and wasn't willing to tolerate, and we didn't have any more problems. It's not that the lying stopped--it didn't--but my attitude in the midst of it was much better, much more spiritually prepared. Once again, this time has been another example of how God is bringing to pass Isaiah 41 in my life:
I will strengthen you and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.I am learning the great importance of knowing who I am in Christ. When I know my worth deeply, the opinions of others, the rejection of others, the criticism of others, my own failures, and the deception of others doesn't matter. As a child of God, it is enough that I am being obedient to Him and that He is pleased with me, and even when I fail, it is still enough that His love is not based on my success. I am currently reading a book by Henri Nouwen called Home Tonight, and it's pretty good so far. Two passages that really stuck out to me when I was reading the other day are:
I have to touch and be touched from the place of my belovedness more than from the place of my need. (40).
. . . it is possible to experience goodness, friendship, and affection without my whole life becoming dependent upon it. It is also possible to feel rejected and abandoned without being destroyed. There's nothing as painful as being rejected, but if it is lived against the background of the first love, it becomes possible to survive. (46).
I have known for a long time that no other human being can fill the void that exists within each of us only for God. No friend, no family member, no significant other will ever be able to touch the darkest and loneliest places of our hearts--those spaces are reserved only for the brilliant light of the Father's love. Yet, knowing this fact logically and growing to a place where my will, my character, my thoughts, and my life are conformed to this spiritual truth are two different things--the latter is an ongoing process with the Lord. It has been my prayer for many years that God would teach me how to love with His perfect, unconditional, unselfish love. I recognize the importance of motivations. It's not enough for our love to appear pure. It really must be a fountain that springs from the Father if it is to bear any fruit in the lives of others. I am grateful for the loneliness because being deprived of human companionship brings me deeper into the heart of the Father and teaches me to rely on Him to fill my need for love and acceptance rather than expecting any human to do so. Thus, I have been reminded of who needs to hold my undivided attention, who needs to captivate my heart, and who deserves the uninterrupted gaze of my eyes--only Jesus. When our eyes are on our circumstances, our loneliness, or our pain, they aren't on Jesus, and we nurture self-pity and selfishness.
A prime example of a wake up call for me in this regard came Sunday. I spent the afternoon by myself at the house because the girls were at Alvin's house for the day. While it was nice to be released from responsibility, I was still rather nursing the wound of loneliness. When I emerged from my room into the living room, God reminded me of where my eyes need to be by bringing me my little friend, Doe, to come visit me. Doe is our 11-year-old neighbor. He is so precious. He lives in a cement building beside our house with his mother, his older sister, and his younger sister. His father died about two years ago. He was murdered while his mother was pregnant with his younger sister. Doe is often home alone or with his sisters because his mother works to provide for their family. He comes to visit me often, even when the girls aren't here, and we'll talk about whatever stories he wants to tell me, or he'll watch television here or watch me make bread or clean. When Doe came on Sunday, I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "Nothing." I asked him where his family was. "They're in the house." "Your friends?" He laughed and said quietly, "I don't have any friends." "You don't have any friends at all? Not the neighbor boys?" "Well, I do have two friends. One is a boy and the other is a girl." He told me about the little boy who he's friends with, and then, when I asked where his friend who is a girl lives, he said, "Here." He laughed, and I realized that I am one of two friends that this sweet little boy has. Here I am sad over feeling alone when I'm one of the few friends this little guy has. If my eyes remain on myself and what I feel I'm lacking, will I ever see Jesus in the Does of this world, the others who are lonely and waiting for a friend? No, probably not. This small reminder has stuck with me all week and completely opened my eyes and changed my attitude.
Yesterday, Roy and I drove Blanca back home to her grandmother in Nacaome. She finished school yesterday, and Alvin told us that it was time for her to leave. So, we drove the roughly two hours there and spent some time with her family. Blanca didn't want to leave, and she and Quendy were very sad. Blanca's family is very poor. Blanca will be living with her grandmother in a home that they built themselves out of mud bricks and some wood. They sleep in hammocks and have a dirt floor. When Roy asked them what they had for Christmas, the grandmother said, "Nothing." Traditionally here, for Christmas, Hondurans make nacatamales which are a kind of tamale filled with all kinds of filling, including meat. But, meat in that area is too expensive for them. My heart hurt, and I longed to help (even as I only had 18 lemps in my pocket at the time) as we listened to her aunt tell us of how hard she has to work and how frustrated she is that she feels that Blanca has thrown her opportunities away. We tried to patiently explain that the house closed for many reasons, and furthermore, depending on Blanca's behavior there, she may be able to come back to the city to live in another house run by another ministry to continue studying. Right now, it is the long break for schools here, and truthfully, Blanca needs a time of tough love. She needs to be reminded of what she has been granted here, and as the saying goes, you often don't know what you have until it's gone. While it is difficult for both her and us (because we love her), we want to demonstrate the love of the Father, which is both merciful but also disciplines us like the children we are.
I was grateful that Roy was there for this conversation with Blanca's family because he is able to reach his fellow Hondurans in a way that I'll never be able to do so. As Blanca's aunt was telling us how hard she's had to struggle, I felt helpless to say anything comforting--even though I fully believe the truth of Isaiah 58, which according to The Message, says that God can give us a full life in the emptiest of places. (If I didn't believe that truth, I wouldn't have moved to Honduras. I wouldn't be so dedicated to the idea of downward mobility and the idea that if Jesus descended to live like us, that we should be willing to live like others to reach them with His love, regardless of poverty, danger, or whatever. It's about being eternally-minded rather than earthly-minded.) I truly believe that He is enough, but that is very easy for me to say, being a gringa from wealthy North America who has never endured what these people have. I always want to be sensitive to when it is possible for others to receive messages of truth and hope from me and when I need to be quiet so that someone else can share their truths and experiences. This was definitely a time where it was much better to be quiet because Roy started sharing the story of his family--how he comes from a family of six kids and a single mother who sacrificed and worked hard so that all of them could be fed and have an education. All of them graduated from high school, and the youngest, Waldina, will graduate from university in December. Listening to Roy, I was so proud of who he is and so grateful for who God has created him to be even in the midst of every difficulty he has endured. God is faithful, and Roy's life is a prime example that God is truly in control, and Blanca's life is not over. With Christ, all things are possible, but we have to learn to submit to Him, to give Him all of our lives. I so hope and pray that this season is a time where Blanca learns to draw near to the Father. Please join with me in praying for Blanca during this time.
With yesterday being Thanksgiving (they don't celebrate it here) and with the fact that my last entry expressed some of my difficulties, I also wanted to let you know just how thankful I am to be here. Yesterday on the car ride home, Roy and I were practicing some English--he understands so much, and he is getting so much better at speaking! I asked him, "Are you happy?" He said, "Yes, I am very happy. Are you happy?" I smiled and said, "Yes, I am very happy." Then he surprised me by saying in English, "Why?" I had to laugh and then said, "Because I am in Honduras." Then he switched to Spanish and said, "Is that the only reason?" I laughed again and said no, of course not, and asked if he wanted to hear all of the reasons why. "Of course." I thought about it for a while and then had to say, "I don't know how to answer because I am happy about everything," because the truth is that God is so good to me. When we finally reach that place where we know we are in God's will, where we trust that God loves us, and we're dedicated to waiting for His best, it doesn't matter what does or doesn't happen because we can trust the truth of Romans 8:28:
We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.
I am so thankful that I get to wake up every morning in this place that captured my heart so long ago. I am so blessed to be right where God wants me. I am grateful for my supportive friends and family both in the US and here. I give thanks for the lessons I am learning, for the struggles God is bringing me through, and for even the loneliness I experience because I know that God is teaching me to love unselfishly and to touch others from a place of belovedness rather than out of need or expecting anything in return. Papí Alvin recently texted me thanking me for being here and for doing what he needed me to do in staying here in the house with the girls, and when I was thinking of how to respond, I realized what a pleasure it all truly is. It is always a pleasure to be obedient to God because whatever I endure makes me more like Jesus, and that makes it all worth it. Now, I'm just waiting for whatever it is that God has next.
Lots of love,
Sarah
This past week has been so very good. Thank you all very much for the prayers and support and love and kindness. After struggling through much of last week, I finally reached a breaking point where I realized such a simple truth--we don't battle against flesh and blood. When I took hold of this truth, the way that I dealt with various difficulties in the house changed; I saw it much more as a spiritual problem rather than a mundane difficulty. I was much more able to let the girls know what I was and wasn't willing to tolerate, and we didn't have any more problems. It's not that the lying stopped--it didn't--but my attitude in the midst of it was much better, much more spiritually prepared. Once again, this time has been another example of how God is bringing to pass Isaiah 41 in my life:
I will strengthen you and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.I am learning the great importance of knowing who I am in Christ. When I know my worth deeply, the opinions of others, the rejection of others, the criticism of others, my own failures, and the deception of others doesn't matter. As a child of God, it is enough that I am being obedient to Him and that He is pleased with me, and even when I fail, it is still enough that His love is not based on my success. I am currently reading a book by Henri Nouwen called Home Tonight, and it's pretty good so far. Two passages that really stuck out to me when I was reading the other day are:
I have to touch and be touched from the place of my belovedness more than from the place of my need. (40).
. . . it is possible to experience goodness, friendship, and affection without my whole life becoming dependent upon it. It is also possible to feel rejected and abandoned without being destroyed. There's nothing as painful as being rejected, but if it is lived against the background of the first love, it becomes possible to survive. (46).
I have known for a long time that no other human being can fill the void that exists within each of us only for God. No friend, no family member, no significant other will ever be able to touch the darkest and loneliest places of our hearts--those spaces are reserved only for the brilliant light of the Father's love. Yet, knowing this fact logically and growing to a place where my will, my character, my thoughts, and my life are conformed to this spiritual truth are two different things--the latter is an ongoing process with the Lord. It has been my prayer for many years that God would teach me how to love with His perfect, unconditional, unselfish love. I recognize the importance of motivations. It's not enough for our love to appear pure. It really must be a fountain that springs from the Father if it is to bear any fruit in the lives of others. I am grateful for the loneliness because being deprived of human companionship brings me deeper into the heart of the Father and teaches me to rely on Him to fill my need for love and acceptance rather than expecting any human to do so. Thus, I have been reminded of who needs to hold my undivided attention, who needs to captivate my heart, and who deserves the uninterrupted gaze of my eyes--only Jesus. When our eyes are on our circumstances, our loneliness, or our pain, they aren't on Jesus, and we nurture self-pity and selfishness.
A prime example of a wake up call for me in this regard came Sunday. I spent the afternoon by myself at the house because the girls were at Alvin's house for the day. While it was nice to be released from responsibility, I was still rather nursing the wound of loneliness. When I emerged from my room into the living room, God reminded me of where my eyes need to be by bringing me my little friend, Doe, to come visit me. Doe is our 11-year-old neighbor. He is so precious. He lives in a cement building beside our house with his mother, his older sister, and his younger sister. His father died about two years ago. He was murdered while his mother was pregnant with his younger sister. Doe is often home alone or with his sisters because his mother works to provide for their family. He comes to visit me often, even when the girls aren't here, and we'll talk about whatever stories he wants to tell me, or he'll watch television here or watch me make bread or clean. When Doe came on Sunday, I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "Nothing." I asked him where his family was. "They're in the house." "Your friends?" He laughed and said quietly, "I don't have any friends." "You don't have any friends at all? Not the neighbor boys?" "Well, I do have two friends. One is a boy and the other is a girl." He told me about the little boy who he's friends with, and then, when I asked where his friend who is a girl lives, he said, "Here." He laughed, and I realized that I am one of two friends that this sweet little boy has. Here I am sad over feeling alone when I'm one of the few friends this little guy has. If my eyes remain on myself and what I feel I'm lacking, will I ever see Jesus in the Does of this world, the others who are lonely and waiting for a friend? No, probably not. This small reminder has stuck with me all week and completely opened my eyes and changed my attitude.
Yesterday, Roy and I drove Blanca back home to her grandmother in Nacaome. She finished school yesterday, and Alvin told us that it was time for her to leave. So, we drove the roughly two hours there and spent some time with her family. Blanca didn't want to leave, and she and Quendy were very sad. Blanca's family is very poor. Blanca will be living with her grandmother in a home that they built themselves out of mud bricks and some wood. They sleep in hammocks and have a dirt floor. When Roy asked them what they had for Christmas, the grandmother said, "Nothing." Traditionally here, for Christmas, Hondurans make nacatamales which are a kind of tamale filled with all kinds of filling, including meat. But, meat in that area is too expensive for them. My heart hurt, and I longed to help (even as I only had 18 lemps in my pocket at the time) as we listened to her aunt tell us of how hard she has to work and how frustrated she is that she feels that Blanca has thrown her opportunities away. We tried to patiently explain that the house closed for many reasons, and furthermore, depending on Blanca's behavior there, she may be able to come back to the city to live in another house run by another ministry to continue studying. Right now, it is the long break for schools here, and truthfully, Blanca needs a time of tough love. She needs to be reminded of what she has been granted here, and as the saying goes, you often don't know what you have until it's gone. While it is difficult for both her and us (because we love her), we want to demonstrate the love of the Father, which is both merciful but also disciplines us like the children we are.
I was grateful that Roy was there for this conversation with Blanca's family because he is able to reach his fellow Hondurans in a way that I'll never be able to do so. As Blanca's aunt was telling us how hard she's had to struggle, I felt helpless to say anything comforting--even though I fully believe the truth of Isaiah 58, which according to The Message, says that God can give us a full life in the emptiest of places. (If I didn't believe that truth, I wouldn't have moved to Honduras. I wouldn't be so dedicated to the idea of downward mobility and the idea that if Jesus descended to live like us, that we should be willing to live like others to reach them with His love, regardless of poverty, danger, or whatever. It's about being eternally-minded rather than earthly-minded.) I truly believe that He is enough, but that is very easy for me to say, being a gringa from wealthy North America who has never endured what these people have. I always want to be sensitive to when it is possible for others to receive messages of truth and hope from me and when I need to be quiet so that someone else can share their truths and experiences. This was definitely a time where it was much better to be quiet because Roy started sharing the story of his family--how he comes from a family of six kids and a single mother who sacrificed and worked hard so that all of them could be fed and have an education. All of them graduated from high school, and the youngest, Waldina, will graduate from university in December. Listening to Roy, I was so proud of who he is and so grateful for who God has created him to be even in the midst of every difficulty he has endured. God is faithful, and Roy's life is a prime example that God is truly in control, and Blanca's life is not over. With Christ, all things are possible, but we have to learn to submit to Him, to give Him all of our lives. I so hope and pray that this season is a time where Blanca learns to draw near to the Father. Please join with me in praying for Blanca during this time.
With yesterday being Thanksgiving (they don't celebrate it here) and with the fact that my last entry expressed some of my difficulties, I also wanted to let you know just how thankful I am to be here. Yesterday on the car ride home, Roy and I were practicing some English--he understands so much, and he is getting so much better at speaking! I asked him, "Are you happy?" He said, "Yes, I am very happy. Are you happy?" I smiled and said, "Yes, I am very happy." Then he surprised me by saying in English, "Why?" I had to laugh and then said, "Because I am in Honduras." Then he switched to Spanish and said, "Is that the only reason?" I laughed again and said no, of course not, and asked if he wanted to hear all of the reasons why. "Of course." I thought about it for a while and then had to say, "I don't know how to answer because I am happy about everything," because the truth is that God is so good to me. When we finally reach that place where we know we are in God's will, where we trust that God loves us, and we're dedicated to waiting for His best, it doesn't matter what does or doesn't happen because we can trust the truth of Romans 8:28:
We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.
I am so thankful that I get to wake up every morning in this place that captured my heart so long ago. I am so blessed to be right where God wants me. I am grateful for my supportive friends and family both in the US and here. I give thanks for the lessons I am learning, for the struggles God is bringing me through, and for even the loneliness I experience because I know that God is teaching me to love unselfishly and to touch others from a place of belovedness rather than out of need or expecting anything in return. Papí Alvin recently texted me thanking me for being here and for doing what he needed me to do in staying here in the house with the girls, and when I was thinking of how to respond, I realized what a pleasure it all truly is. It is always a pleasure to be obedient to God because whatever I endure makes me more like Jesus, and that makes it all worth it. Now, I'm just waiting for whatever it is that God has next.
Lots of love,
Sarah
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| Old school picture of Roy Boy and I (January 2011)...we're both very happy! ;) |
Thank you, Sarah, for being obedient and allowing a continued glimpse into your life in Honduras. I miss you but know you are in His arms always! Love you!!!
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