I’ve needed to update for a while, but to be honest, I’ve been avoiding. I’ve still been recovering from the exhaustion of the past few months, and empty nesting is hard. But, so many of you have been so compassionate in sending e-mails or just keeping up with reading that I wanted to maintain an open though broken heart with those of you who have been so supportive.
The Freedom to Fail
Josuan left for Teen Challenge on May 6, and it was God’s perfect timing. In the ten unexpected weeks he was with me, I put myself under so much pressure to be a good mom. I was so afraid to fail. I was afraid that he’d get mixed up with girls, consume drugs, or escape under my watch. God was faithful, however, to give me wisdom. Mami Nelly has a sixth “mom” sense when it comes to her kids—biological or adopted. She always knows when something is wrong, when we’re hiding something, or when God is dealing with us. In becoming a mom myself, I prayed that God would give me that same sixth “mom” sense, and He did! Although I didn’t have a lifetime to get to know Josuan as my son, in the time he was with me and continues to be part of my life and family, I have gotten to know him very well—his manipulative tricks, what his joking comments say about what really exists in his heart, his desperate need for attention, etc. God was so faithful to protect me from making poor decisions and was faithful to show me things that were going on without my knowledge. On the night before his leaving, he and I had a very honest conversation where he shared some past bad experiences, admitted some secrets he’d been hiding, and explained to me what made the time with me any different from his time with anyone else who had tried to get him off the streets.
In his final weeks with me, I was absolutely exhausted, but more so, I had an unrest in my spirit that I could not explain. It went beyond just the normal dealing with his occasional bad attitudes, typical teenage complaining, and having enough endurance to be with this teenager who (unlike normal teenagers) is stuck to me, his mom, like glue. There were some mornings where I woke up and thought, “What am I doing? I can’t do this anymore. God, please, give me the strength.” And He always did. This unrest, I later realized was a spiritual fight for my son. I’m always praying for my boys, but this was an urgency I couldn’t shake. One day in his last couple of weeks with me, I arrived at his room and found that his eyes were watery, and for being a child who drives me crazy with nagging, he was much more calm than normal. I knew—I immediately felt without having concrete evidence—that he had smoked pot before my arriving. So, I started asking questions. “What’s wrong with you? Mom, you’re always thinking badly and making bad assumptions. I’m just sleepy.” “Don’t feed me that! You had plenty of time to sleep all night and this morning. You’re not sleepy.” I searched his stuff. But, I had nothing concrete, so I had to put it in God’s hands, trusting He would show me the truth.
That weekend, Marvin and John were on leave from Teen Challenge, so I went to pick them up. I took John to his home, and Marvin spent most of the weekend with me although he slept at his parents’ house. I took Marvin out driving (I have opened Pandora’s box with the driving lessons!), and Josuan, who has major jealousy issues, had the worst attitude all day. Because I was sick of it, I took him home first before taking Marvin home. I understand why Josuan struggles with sibling rivalry and why he’s told me numerous times that he wants to be my only son. He has always struggled with the question of “Why me?” All of his other siblings have lived with his mom their entire lives. He’s the only one she didn’t seem to mind giving away, and he’s always felt like a burden to his grandmother who was also raising his older cousin. So, naturally, he wants to be my only son. He wants all of my love and attention. So, you can imagine my difficulty that weekend listening to Marvin tell me his amazing testimony while still trying to reassure Josuan that I hadn’t forgotten him. That resulted in my 16-year-old clinging to my arm like a 5-year-old for hours in the doctor’s office waiting room for his physical therapy appointment. He might as well have looked at Marvin and said that usual toddler phrase, “Mine!”
When I dropped Josuan off at his room, I took a few minutes to address his behavior. He denied having a bad attitude, but in the middle of the conversation, I saw him slyly motioning to a neighbor who is a known pot smoker. That did it. Once again, I knew what was going on. So, I gave him another opportunity to confess. He denied it, so I reassured him, “If you are lying to me, I will find out. It may not be today, but God will show me if you are lying to me. This is your chance to be honest.” Denial. After I took Marvin home, I was in my car just overburdened, crying and telling God, “I can’t do this anymore! I’m so exhausted. You have to take control of this situation because I don’t have anything left.” I called Raúl crying to ask him to find out if anyone had seen my kid smoking and asked him, “What am I going to do if he’s smoking pot at your house? What am I going to do if they won’t take him in Teen Challenge? I’m not going to have him in your house smoking pot disrespectfully while you’re letting him live there, and I’m paying for his food and medical expenses!” And Raúl was at just as much of a loss as I was, “I don’t know, Sarah. It’s your decision.” I felt so hopeless inside.
The following day, we went to Teen Challenge, and during the church service, the pastor was talking about faith. As they began to minister to people and telling us to begin to take hold of the faith to believe for our needs, I began to think of having a house for my sons within the year they’re supposed to leave and having a father to give them. Pretty soon, God’s presence was so strong on me that I could no longer stand or stop crying, and I heard God say, “Keep pressing forward to touch Jesus. You’re going to receive your victory. Keep enduring. Keep pressing forward.” He took away all of my hopelessness and gave me an unspeakable peace. After the service, the pastor told us they’d accept Josuan the following day.
It was that night that Josuan told me that he had one more thing he wanted to admit to me but wanted to wait until the morning he left. I immediately knew it had to do with smoking pot, so I pressed him to tell me that night. At God’s prompting, I asked him again if he had consumed drugs in the time that I’d been with him, and I had to laugh when he responded with a frightened, “Mom! Did God just show you something?!” He had smoked pot three times in the two final weeks he was with me. The time that I caught him was the last of what he bought with 10 lempiras ($0.50!). He also admitted to me that he had packed his things to leave to return to the streets three times. But, every time that he had climbed (on crutches)to the top of the stairs to leave, he thought about losing me and heard God tell him, “Turn around and go home.” And, each time, he did. He asked for my forgiveness, and it was a good opportunity for me to teach him that my love for him doesn’t end if he relapses. He doesn’t stop being my son simply because he loses a battle with his drug addiction. But, the point of our family is to fight together, to hold each other accountable, to work through our problems together, but when he doesn’t admit to me that he’s struggling, he leaves me in the dark and relying on God to illuminate every little detail (which He does).
It was a precious conversation, and when I got into my car, I laughed and cried with joy to understand what God had just taught me. I had failed! Everything that I was afraid of happening on my watch (except his escaping) happened! But, God’s grace was sufficient to guard my son and protect him when I couldn’t (and even when I thought I was but wasn’t). I was so afraid of failing my son and failing God that I was under terrible stress, but God doesn’t demand perfection. He asks for obedience. And, I was further relieved to know that every little thing that I’d had a “feeling” about, that changed how I parented or made me more alert, did and were happening—things that various people told me, “Oh, it’s not a big deal. You’re just worrying too much.” Those feelings were signals from God, and I was right about every single one of them because He was the one showing me. I am not Super Mom, but I don’t have to be because if I’m faithful to obey God and listen to His still, small voice, He rescues me and works through me in spite of myself.
When Josuan left to go to Teen Challenge, he was clinging to me and trying to hold back tears, and I waited to get into my car before losing it. I was (and am) so grateful that God granted me such a beautiful, difficult experience. All I could do amidst tears was tell God how grateful I was that He picked me. And, I was so overwhelmed and humbled to know what I would have missed if I would’ve said no to God. I defied everyone’s advice in bringing him to live with Raúl and be my sole responsibility which was very difficult for me not just in exhaustion but because I’m usually such a submissive person. But, when God speaks, I have to obey because I don’t want to miss anything He has for me. It was also very humbling and eye-opening to know based on the bad experiences that Josuan shared with me his last night what would have happened if God wouldn’t have sent me to rescue him. It was an absolute miracle that Josuan made it to Teen Challenge without running away, and I feel so privileged to have been a small part of it.
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| Josuan and Jesús--just like real brothers, they fight, tattle on one another, and defend each other |
Empty Nesting and Going to Teen Challenge
Empty nesting has been difficult. I went from seeing my child (who wears me out and drives me crazy) who I adore, every day for ten weeks to seeing him once a week. I went from having someone to give all of my time and energy and attention to, to having way too much time on my hands and grappling with the extreme exhaustion accumulated. Actually, I didn’t go to Teen Challenge today because, to be honest, God gave me permission to take a break.
Last week was so special as I was able to spend my first Mother’s Day as a mom with my sons. I was so blessed by their gifts and their public declarations of their love and thankfulness. I was especially blessed to see Josuan, who is usually fairly timid in a crowd, be handed a microphone after only six days of being in Teen Challenge and telling the entire congregation with tears streaming down his face that I’m the mom he never had. Honestly, I don’t even know how to respond to that because I’m nobody!
While the full-time mom duty is over for now, being a mom in general is not. Going to Teen Challenge is always a challenge. I love seeing my sons, but it is SO DIFFICULT to balance giving time and attention to all of them at once, especially when there is so much sibling rivalry and tattling. I also struggle with feeling like my kids are getting special treatment, and I don’t want that to be the case. I want my kids to learn how to serve and be humble. I want to point my kids to Jesus’ love, not my own. Last week, Jesús’ leader came to me and asked me to talk to him because they have such terrible problems with his back-talking. Because I am his mom, the one responsible for him, I did take the responsibility to talk to him, but I highly doubt that it did any good. Jesús may call me “Mom,” but he sees me as just a nice lady who is doing him a favor. He does not believe that I love him as my own. Thus, my discipline doesn’t get through. He doesn’t open his heart to me to receive my love, so why would he receive my discipline?
Thus, my prayer is often that God would give me the keys to my sons’ hearts, to love them in a way that they can receive it. God is faithful, and at the right time, He does. Only just a month ago, God gave me the keys to Erick’s heart. I had met him in 21 right before he left for Teen Challenge, so I always included him in my visits by giving him food and saying hello. But, we had never really had the time to develop much trust. One Sunday, I noticed him crying in praise and worship and began to pray that God would show me how to love him because he seemed so lonely. Rapidly, God gave me a simple word to give him, and when the pastor said he wanted all of the families to get together, God told me to go hug my sons—including Erick. So, I hugged him tight and gave him the word, and he cried and clung to me. From that day since, I’ve been his second mom. When he introduced me to his real mom on Mother’s Day, she told me that she had heard so much about me, the second mom, and was so happy that he could depend on me when she wasn’t around. Talk about humbling… Erick is another one who, like Marvin and Josuan, is stuck to me like glue and would like to live with me when he leaves.
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| Erick and I |
Right now, Marvin and Erick are the only stable ones. Erick is stable because he has to be. His only choice besides two years in Teen Challenge was to go to jail. Marvin is stable in not wanting to leave Teen Challenge because he’s going to complete his year in August and has some spiritual maturity. He accepted me as his mom before I ever gave him anything, but now, he is the one (other than possibly Josuan) who is the most adamant about being with me and working/serving with me once he leaves Teen Challenge. He keeps telling me that when I have my home for boys (I keep reminding them that there's no way I'm going to live as a single woman in a house with all of them) that he’s going to be my chauffeur (he backed us into a small tree the last time I was giving him a driving lesson…ha ha) and my cook. He wants to teach his younger brothers and sisters, and he keeps telling me, “Mom, you have to tell me your vision, so I can pray with you for your dreams! You can have a center bigger and more beautiful than Teen Challenge. You could have 19,000 kids!” I love my son’s faith especially as he was telling me while I was in the midst of caring for Josuan, and all I could think was, “Oh my gosh, 19,000? I can’t even handle one.”
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| My little Marvin and I |
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| John, Jesús, and I |
Raúl has been the most helpful in giving me a rest from my introverted, constantly thinking self. He takes me out in the evenings sometimes, and when I can focus my attention on talking to and listening to him (even if we’re talking about my sons), I’m not lost in my own thoughts and worries. And, it’s so nice to be able to share burdens and advice with each other.
El Buen Pastor
I also had my second visit to see my sons, Elvis and Jorge, at El Buen Pastor. I still haven’t found anything out about Elvis’ home situation mainly because the social worker and I have had vehicle issues. But, the goal is for both of us to go and do an investigation trip to take some pictures and meet the family. It’s a process of developing trust with both of them as well. Elvis is much more open, eager to spend time with me and give me hugs, but he also has a sense of what it means to be a family. Jorge, on the other hand, never knew his parents and has no concept of family as he’s lived in an orphanage his entire life. Thus, he’s a lot more guarded, more difficult to win over, and doesn’t seem to know what to do with me. So, I visit to the point that they want and don’t push it. They missed their brother, Josuan, this time though.
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| Elvis and Jorge |
There is a lot more I could mention about what I'm learning, what I'm struggling with, and what God is teaching me. But, it's late. So, for now, I'll leave you with this:
God's grace is enough. He is enough. I am never enough, but He is always enough. There is something very freeing about that.
All my love,
Sarah
