A Beautiful Redemption and Small Beginnings






My beautiful family at Teen Challenge (minus John)



Hello All,


I have so much to share with you! I apologize in advance for the length of this post because SO MUCH has happened in such a short span of time. I had two weeks and around three days of rest after Josuan went to Teen Challenge before I was thrown back into full-time mom mode. During those two weeks, I was just seeking God as to what was supposed to be next. I didn’t really get too much of an answer other than to continue pressing forward on the path He has me, loving the family He’s given me, and keep believing that He’s doing a beautiful work. He, indeed, is! This year thus far has been one of the most difficult and yet adventurous years of my life. I have become such a stronger person, and my faith has grown in amazing ways. Becoming a mother has been the greatest gift I didn’t expect even though I legally can’t adopt any of my boys due to a law that you must be 15 years older than any child you’d want to adopt. I don’t know why God gave me the sons He gave me, but I look at His provision, the work He’s doing in each of their hearts, and the power of the love He’s placed in my heart that is spreading contagiously, and I know I was created—too young or not—for such a time, place, and family as this.


On May 23, I went to Teen Challenge to pick up Josuan because the rod that was placed in his leg at the end of February had migrated up his back, and it was a miracle that it didn’t re-break his leg, pierce any organs, or even break through his skin. It was visible under his skin, and when we went to the doctor, he was taking pictures to show other doctors since he’d never seen anything like it. When I arrived at Teen Challenge, he told me that he was sorry for his comments on Mother's Day that he wanted to escape, and he insisted that once he had recovered, that he had to return to Teen Challenge (I told him I wanted that in writing--ha ha). The day after Mother's Day, he had a dream (God speaks to him through dreams) of what would happen if he escaped and went back to the streets. In the dream, lots of terrible things happened to him and culminated in his being murdered. From that day on, his desires for his life have changed because he knows that God is rescuing him. God worked in his heart in a way that I never could have, and in this round two of parenting, it's been like parenting a different child as a result.

I spent Raúl’s 25th birthday (after making his cake and sending his presents with other people) in the hospital while Josuan was urgently operated on to remove the rod. Words cannot express how exhausting it is to be a single, adoptive mom in a hospital so difficult to enter and direct oneself correctly with so many male doctors out to snag the gringa’s phone number. But, that night, after not eating all day since my son couldn’t eat in preparation for surgery, Raúl brought me some visitors, food, and a piece of the birthday cake I’d made him, which was a much-needed break and encouragement.


Josuan helped me make Raúl's birthday cake. When I asked him if he wanted to lick the beaters, he said, "Why would I want to do that?" When I told him that I used to lick the beaters whenever I baked with my mom, he eagerly agreed. It's the little mom and son moments that bless my heart because it gives my little man the childhood he never had...

For whatever reason, the doctors kept my son in the hospital two additional days after his surgery—for three stitches. I was unbelievably exhausted after three days of little sleep and barely eating, and I spent the morning of my 24th birthday in the hospital waiting for Josuan to be discharged. Afterward, I took him to stay with Hermano Naty for the rest of the evening while I took a much-needed break with Raúl to celebrate my birthday. I was a mess. I was so ridiculously exhausted that as soon as I got in the car to go to Tatumbla with Raúl, all I wanted to do was cry. In Tatumbla, he had a cake and surprise birthday party waiting for me, but it was his bringing Hermana Sonia, his spiritual mom, to pray for me that filled me with the greatest joy. Her prayers over me were simple. There were no deep, prophetic words, but the compassion of those present gave me peace and enough strength to continue. I spent the rest of the afternoon getting to be a child—participating in the Honduran tradition of biting the cake and hitting a piñata with Raúl and our friends. Raúl’s presence in my life helps me have much-needed exits from serious, ultra-responsible mom mode, to be God’s little girl.


Biting the cake didn't turn out well for me. Ha ha.

They made Raúl bite the cake too since I wasn't at his birthday.



Cutting our birthday cake...

Not an Orphan


We were told that Josuan’s bone had healed sufficiently that he’d be able to do some physical therapy to walk on it without having another rod inside to support it. But, on the first night I brought him home, even walking with crutches, he was in excruciating pain and could feel the bone moving. It was terrible seeing my baby in so much pain and having to have Raúl and others carry him to the house for me. He just cried in my arms and told me that he was struggling with desperation for drugs because he knew with them, he wouldn’t have to feel so much pain. We prayed together, taking authority over the enemy, and he calmed. It is such a blessing to me that we have developed enough trust to share the fight against his addictions together.

God was so faithful that in the midst of my exhaustion, He already knew exactly what I needed as He sent my cousin, a recently graduated Registered Nurse and my best friend, to help me for a month. When we decided on her dates to come, none of this had happened, and we weren’t expecting it, but God obviously already knew. She has been such a tremendous help during such a stretching time. On June 6, they operated on Josuan again—this time putting a $525 rod and screws in his leg that will never be removed. Waiting for the operation, my son went on and on about how if it wasn’t for me, he would’ve been handicapped his entire life because the idea of anyone caring enough or even his very financially limited family being able to scrounge up $525 would have been unheard of. While I brush it off because I know that everything that I have belongs to God, and I’m only a means of distributing it, I do feel the weight of what he said. Handicapped the rest of his life from a broken leg…how difficult is it to stop for the one?

Before he went into his second operation, Josuan was looking very sad. I knew what was bothering him, so I kept him close so he’d know he wasn’t alone. When he finally came out of surgery, he looked up at me with big, teary eyes and held onto my arm like a toddler afraid of his mommy leaving. “When I went into surgery, the doctors asked me if I had any family. I already felt bad because I’d been thinking that no one in my family cares enough to be here, so I said no. Then they asked me who I came with, and I told them my mom. And they replied, ‘How are you going to say you have no family if you have a mother?’ And it’s true, Mami. I have you. You’re my family and Tío Naty and Raúl and Papi Alvin and my Tía Gabriela.” The logic of these doctors is beyond me because while they kept him for three days for three stitches, they discharged him the same night that they operated on him—with a new rod in his leg and seven stitches. They didn’t even prescribe him an antibiotic. So, we headed home. Gabrielle and I slept on a mattress beside his bed to monitor him throughout the night. Even with very little sleep in the previous days, I couldn’t sleep. So, I found myself laying my head on his arm as I prayed over him. He woke up and said, “What’s wrong, Mami?” I explained that I was praying for him, so he came close for a hug. As I held my son, he soon began to cry.



My baby boy and I. Words cannot express how much I love my son.

“All my life when I was little, I used to pray that God would send me a mom who would really love me. My grandmother loved me, but she didn’t really act like my mom. She only hugged me sometimes, and I used to be at the Mother’s Day celebrations at school and see all the other kids getting hugged by their proud moms, and I had no one. I so wanted to cry because I felt like an orphan, like no one loved me. But now I know that even though God may answer late, He always answers. He sent me you. I have a mami who loves me, who holds me when I’m sick, who tells me she loves me. I’m not an orphan any more. All of my life, people told me, ‘God is like your father.’ Well, how could I relate when my father abandoned me? All my life, people told me, ‘Well, God is like your mother.’ Well, why would I want to relate to God as a mom who gave me away? But, now I know that God loves me because He showed me through you. If I ever were to fall back into drugs and go back to the streets, I wouldn’t last even a day because I’d be missing so much love from you.”

Readers, there is no greater justification for doing what I am doing. It’s all worth it. After all of the exhaustion, sickness, stress, crying, and wondering if I was going to make it, it's all worth it. My son is quite simply not the same person he was when I met him. He has light in his eyes. He has plans for his future. He knows he's not an orphan. This round of parenting has been the greatest unexpected blessing because God has allowed me to see just what He’s doing through my little life to change the life of Josuan, and it brings me to my knees in humility and joy. I am one little person who is too young and too unexperienced and too hopeful, who God is using to turn this precious young man’s life from something so painful to something so beautiful.

He had a fever for the first few days and was in pain, but it wasn't even a week later that he was already walking around with only one crutch and soon with no crutches. He's still limping and has to do physical therapy exercises to fully rehabilitate, but he's definitely on the road to full healing. Thus, he was with me for the past month just until we could take his stitches out (which Gabrielle was so faithfully taking care of) and get the approval of the orthopedic surgeon for his return to Teen Challenge. He returned just this past Sunday after another month with me, and I miss him like crazy.



Adventures with God

The first Sunday that Josuan got out of the hospital after his third operation, we decided to forego the long day at Teen Challenge to go to a church nearby. We were already running late when Gabrielle and I arrived at my son’s room to pick him up. Like a typical teenage boy, he hadn’t gotten himself fully ready. I had left my car unlocked thinking I could run down to the room, get him, and hop back into the car, but in the five minutes I was away from my car, someone stole Gabrielle’s purse. My purse was underneath her purse, but it was untouched. In her purse were mainly things of personal value—a Bible, a journal, her driver’s license, etc. She didn’t have any more than $2 in cash. We let Raúl know, but there wasn’t much we could do. In my experience, any time anything has been stolen from me, I’ve never recovered it even if we’ve discovered who stole it. By this time, we were too late to go to the church we intended to go to. Thus, we decided to drive around the Kennedy to see if we heard any praise and worship to stop. Nothing. Finally, we called Naty who told us we should go to Pastora Mirna’s church. I had recently met her at a prayer meeting and had wanted to go to her church but didn’t know how to get there. Naty gave us directions, but we arrived there late as well. Naty promised us that we needed to go anyway because God surely had something good for us. I couldn’t help but feel the same way, so we entered. Anyone who knows me well knows I have my own general difficulties with church, but this was one of the most redeeming church experiences I’ve ever had. It had been so long since I felt so loved immediately upon entering a church service. Within five minutes of being there, Pastora Mirna approached my son and began to pray for him, breaking spirits of abandonment and death and prophesying that he’s called to be a missionary to other countries. It always blesses me to see someone minister to my son, but Gabrielle and I were also in for a blessing. Pastora Mirna brought both of us forward and formed a circle of people around us to pray for us. Most of the words that I received were confirmations of things God had given me before and were words of waiting and developing perseverance, knowing that God is fighting for me and has already given me His approval. Gabrielle also received several words. More than anything, though, I was so blessed by the love radiating from that place. It is exceptionally difficult to be a single mom, and most people take my being a single mom to teenage boys as a joke. But, I can assure you that the discipline is real, the struggles are real, the exhaustion is real, and the love is more real than anything else. It was so nice to feel so much love and support in that church when I often feel alone or judged even by my own brothers and sisters in Christ. Before we left the church service, I received a call letting us know that Gabrielle’s purse was recovered. Raúl’s landlady had confronted the person they suspected, and he confessed as to where he hid it. The only thing missing was the $2. God just wanted to take us on an adventure because if we wouldn’t have been so late, we wouldn’t have gone to Pastora Mirna’s church.

 

Elvis, my son, lives in orphanage El Buen Pastor, but his father who cannot walk due to polio in his childhood, lives in extreme poverty.

Without Elvis, he has no one to bring him food or take care of him, but I want Elvis to be able to be a child, learning to read and write in El Buen Pastor. Thus, I want to help his father.
“And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” – Isaiah 58:10

I visited my sons, Elvis and Jorge, in El Buen Pastor once again this month, and I’m working with the social worker to find a way to help Elvis’ father. From a very young age, Elvis was the sole breadwinner and caretaker of his family—his handicapped father (due to polio in childhood) and mentally handicapped mother and sister. He is only 14 now, so you can imagine how young he was when he began selling firewood to provide for his family. He is only now learning to read and write. Since Elvis was taken by IHNFA, his father has had no one to care for him as the sister got married and his mother lives on the streets due to her mental illness. Elvis likes being in El Buen Pastor, but he often struggles with the burden of his father. He feels guilty for not being there for him. Thus, the social worker is doing her best to investigate the situation so that we can find a way to take this burden off of Elvis’ shoulders.

Currently, the father is living with Elvis’ uncle, but the uncle is fed up with having him there and often throws him into the streets. The father hasn’t bathed in nine months and often goes without eating. If we can find a way to buy or receive a piece of land from the pueblo’s mayor, it would be possible for me to help Elvis’ father build a house. I need more information before I can concretely say the best way to help in this situation, but I’m committed to finding a way because my son’s burdens are my burdens too.

Josuan and Marvin--my silly right-hand men

Women’s Conference and My Right-Hand Men


In the middle of June, Manos Extendidas hosted a women’s conference that Mami Nelly organized. It was awesome to say the least. There is truly so much I could say about the experience, but what stuck out to me the most was just the steadiness of God to work on our behalf. Many times in this year thus far, I have felt like I couldn’t continue, like I was thrust into waters that towered over my head with no solution, but I am beginning to see the light at the surface. I am beginning to see the ways that God has fought for me all along, and all I can do is marvel. My role at the conference (while I was recovering from a bout of bronchitis/laryngitis) was translating. I didn’t have anyone else to take care of Josuan, so he came along with Gabrielle and me. On the second day, a leader from Teen Challenge called me because my other son, Marvin, had become seriously ill. He hadn’t been able to eat for several days and was continuously vomiting. I immediately went into mom mode, telling the leader that I’d pick him up, take him to the hospital, etc. But, the truth was that I had a job to complete, and Mami Nelly had planned on my translating the next session. So, Naty helped me by picking up Marvin and taking him to a clinic. He had a nasty stomach infection and was put on some strong antibiotics. After two injections, however, he was already improving. It was so difficult to let someone else take care of my baby because I so wanted to be there. The women at the conference (with a theme of living in the supernatural power of God) gave me a hard time about wanting to leave, telling me to trust God to heal him. But, the truth is that I rarely worry about physical recovery. Even after three operations and all of the complications with the rod in his leg, I’ve never once thought that there would even be a possibility that Josuan wouldn’t eventually heal enough to play soccer again. I am geared so much more towards ministering to people’s emotional pain that my thought with Marvin was that I didn’t want him to feel alone, didn’t want to miss an opportunity to show him how much I love him. But, God felt the pain of my mother’s heart, and because Naty already had a job he needed to do at the conference, he just brought Marvin to me. Thus, I had two of my boys—the ones who have accepted me as their mom the most—with me.




Mi chaparro, Marvin

In the hours that I was waiting to hear how Marvin was doing, I was struggling with what I’ve struggled with so many times in this process of becoming a mother—condemnation. I get so much criticism for being so young and for having teenage sons of all things, and while everyone has a comment, few have the will to help. But, while I cried out to God, so fearful of failing Him or disobeying, He sent some lovely ladies to talk to me and pray for me. He also told me after my conversation with them, “Don’t you know, little one? I chose you. Can’t you see how I’m moving the mountains for you? I will set a banquet before you in the presence of your enemies.” And He is beginning to do just that.

Words cannot express the joy that overflowed in my heart when I had Marvin and Josuan on either side of me, both recovering from physical ailments, yet so full of hope. My joy could not be contained as I watched them both worshiping God so earnestly because I can see just how far God has brought my sons and what He has given me in them, and I feel so unworthy. I don’t know what God is going to do with my future or their futures, but I want them with me. When I pray about my future, I see them with me—going to places I can’t go, touching lives I couldn’t have touched, and bringing me more children to adopt and love back to life. And, what blesses me even more is that they want to be with me; they want to share in the same vision and heart of adoption because they get it—they’re not orphans. And they want others to know the same truth.



While they are my right-hand men, they are also currently ridiculously jealous of each other and constantly competing for my attention. So, I like this picture because I'm claiming it for the future when God heals their hearts.

The Keys to Jesús’ Heart


Jesús


I’ve been praying for months now that God would give me the keys to Jesús’ heart. His leaders have had problems with his back-talking and disrespect, and I could tell that he’s been keeping me at an arm’s length. He tried to escape from Teen Challenge, but due to his physical limitations from his 10 gunshot wounds and seven stab wounds, some leaders caught up to him quickly. All he has talked about in most of our visits is his desire to go back to his hometown to see his “sponsor,” his only father figure since his parents died (at least in most of the versions of the story I’ve heard). But, he can’t return to his home town because he’ll be murdered. To be honest with you, I have a difficult time getting a grasp on how to love Jesús. His story constantly changes in terms of who he was, how he grew up, etc. My desire is never to love someone based on their story; however, it can be helpful to know someone’s story to know how to love them. Jesús, however, is my wildcard son. During this month, he also had his first leave for a weekend with me. I was nervous to say the least because I’m boring, and nothing stresses me out more than having to entertain someone. Josuan has been with me long enough that he feels like family, and I don’t feel compelled to entertain him. If anything, I feel totally at home with him. It is not that way with Jesús yet. He also hadn’t been outside of a center for at least eight months, so I wanted to make it at least a little special for him. So, Raúl and I took Gabrielle, Josuan, Jesús, and Jesús’ Teen Challenge shadow, Uriel, out to the movies. Josuan and Jesús fell asleep, and in the middle of the movie, Jesús wanted to leave. I had no concept of what Jesús likes or what he wanted to do or eat or whatever. (It’s really difficult to be an adoptive mom sometimes.) In the middle of the weekend, he told Josuan that he wanted to go back to Teen Challenge early. By Saturday night, I felt like the biggest failure as a mom with Jesús, but I determined that I wanted him to leave filled with hope. So, I took all of my boys to see Hermana Sonia, Raúl’s spiritual mom. (I love that I can always show up at her house and can count on the fact that she will always have something to teach or a sensitivity to the Spirit to give a word to any stranger.)



 

 She taught my boys about guarding God’s word and having perseverance, and just listening to the Holy Spirit, directly called out several of Josuan’s current struggles. She gave me a word and prayed for each one of us. It was special to say the least, watching as she prayed the longest for my Jesús, moving according to the leading of the Holy Spirit to touch on all of his hurts and bondages. I don’t know what God did in that moment, and to be honest, Jesús, due to his own mental/developmental difficulties, couldn’t really explain either, but something changed. I was also quite blessed by how much God touched Uriel through Hermana Sonia’s prayers because thinking of how patient he’d been the whole weekend in tagging along with my crazy sons, I had prayed that God would give this young man something special, and He did. When we were finished, God gave us an encore because Hermana Sonia told us she had to leave her house to go pray for a young man headed for a drug rehabilitation center. As we talked about the center, we realized that the young man was headed for Teen Challenge. There was no way it was a coincidence that God had brought us there, so upon her invitation, we accompanied her to talk to the young man (a former classmate of Raúl’s). I beamed with pride as Uriel, Jesús, and Josuan took turns giving him scriptures and testimonies and hope for his life with Jesus and his future in Teen Challenge. The young man listened intently, and I began to see something so special in Jesús as he felt like something bigger than himself, with a purpose to impact someone else’s life. When we got back in the car to leave, I had peace. Jesús belongs to God. I may not know what I’m doing and may feel like failure, but God knows what each one of my sons needs.


 This past week at Teen Challenge, Jesús shocked me. After months of talking about returning to his hometown and only seeing his future there, his first question was, “Where’s Raúl?” When I told him where he was, he said, “When I get out of Teen Challenge, I want to live up there with Raúl and work at his tire shop to help you pay for stuff.” (He’s not the only one of my sons with that same thought process.) He also opened up about some struggles he’s having, and watching him dancing before the Lord during praise and worship made it ever clearer—Jesús is very special to God. God loves Jesús so much that He saved him from 10 gunshots and seven knife stabs. He knows what He’s doing with Jesús’ future. 




Erick, John, Gabrielle, and Jesús

La Tía and Her Nephews

It was such a joy to have Gabrielle here to be an aunt to my sons. I often tell my sons about their grandparents (my parents) in the States, but having someone from my family here to show them love solidified the truth that even though my family may be far away that they do care about my sons. It was such a burden lifted for me to have another person to give them attention as it is so hard for me divide my time and attention among five of them at the same time. And, my boys genuinely love her as well, especially Marvin and Josuan—her patients. (It was crazy to see how my little Marvin clung to me in fear like a toddler when she had to give him his antibiotic shots. This is the child who has three tattoos and “fearlessly” robbed entire buses. He was a complete child, terrified of needles and telling me, “Mami, please, no! No shots, please?”) It was also a blessing to see how God was able to work through my abnormal, somewhat dysfunctional family to show Gabrielle love and make her feel like part of a family. I am so blessed by Gabrielle’s ability to love my sons like her own nephews and make them feel like they will always be family to her. It is not any person that chooses to catch our adoption drift, and I will miss her so much as she has been like a second parent or at least a support system for this very stretched single mom. We all hope that she will come back to see us soon.

Gabrielle and Marvin

Erick and Gab

Gab and Jesús



Sobrino Josuan and his Tía Gabriela

John and Gab


The Beginning of Home and Family
My little family is definitely unique and is constantly God’s work in process, but I’m excited to see what He’s doing even as we struggle. With having Josuan living in the apartment adjacent to Raúl’s, I started thinking about where I was going to have Jesús every month that he has leave and where I would put Marvin or whoever else if they wanted to stay. The more I prayed about it, the more I felt like I needed to start renting the apartment permanently. There was only one problem—it was already set to have renters to move in the same day that I felt like God was impressing upon me that I needed to rent it. So, I told God, “OK, as a form of confirmation, if I’m really supposed to make a commitment to rent this apartment, please open the door.” That same day, I found out that the renters were no longer interested. Thus, while it is not conventional and is not the ideal for forever, I have my first step to a boys’ home. Sometimes, you just have to be faithful with the small things. Josuan has stayed there all this time. Marvin stayed there when sick. And Jesús and his shadow stayed there during his leave. I’m in the process of getting beds and other items to make an empty room a home, and, Raúl and I have agreed to set up a shared kitchen between us and the two apartments. It reassures me greatly that he lives on the other side of the wall and has been so open to being a part of my boys’ lives. (Raúl also recently went to the streets with Naty, Gabrielle, and I to hand out food, and it seems like he wants to get more involved. While it may seem small, his coming to be a part of street ministry was huge.)



Erick and his mom



John and Erick





My boys and I (minus John)



Meanwhile, Marvin will finish his year in Teen Challenge in August. He is interested in living in the apartment and working with me, but I want to be very clear about what God’s will is before I set up anything permanent. He will need to study as he stopped at fourth grade, and I don’t want to accept him long-term until I have taken a month-long break in the States at some point this year. So, the apartment may end up being his home, and I may end up homeschooling him. But, we’ll see what God has in store. John is in need of prayer. He’s been struggling for several months. Because of his background, it’s difficult for him to trust God and let Him in; thus, he’s rather stuck in his spiritual growth and often talks about escaping Teen Challenge. But, I know by faith that God has him there for a reason. God hasn’t given up on John, so I’m not either. Erick is doing fairly well, and his mom comes to visit him often. He will be in Teen Challenge for two years given his court mandate. Jesús now has five months of being in Teen Challenge, and I’m told that his behavior is improving which makes this mother proud. Josuan, who just returned on Sunday, was devastated to find that the time spent with me did not count towards his year in Teen Challenge. Thus, I’m not even sure if he’ll have visitation rights when I go back this Sunday. That is very hard for us as we’ve grown quite close as mother and son.


A Beautiful Redemption

It’s difficult for me to even put into words what God has done through my relationship with my son, Josuan. While I can’t betray confidences with him, I can tell you that he has developed enough trust with me to share some of his most painful experiences—experiences that, oddly enough, I understand. And, because they are experiences I understand, he’s also asked me lots of questions about my own experiences which has brought much to the surface of my own life and past in terms of things that needed to be healed. While I am finding that there is no greater pain than knowing what my baby went through before I was a part of his life and wishing I could have been there to rescue him sooner, there is also such a humbling beauty in knowing the power of God’s redemption—that He allowed me to rescue my son from many of the same dark, painful experiences that I went through myself. It brings me both to tears of pain and tears of joy. I feel so humbled because I can't imagine why God picked me.

In his last week with me, Josuan cried every day multiple times a day because he didn’t want to leave me. He likes Teen Challenge, but he didn’t want to let me go. It was very difficult to send him back to Teen Challenge because I know that, in me, he finally has what he’s always wanted in life—a mother and a sense of family. I didn’t want him to feel abandoned, but I also know that my son belongs to God first and me second. Thus, even though we both cried the whole way to Teen Challenge on Sunday, I knew I had to be obedient to put my baby in God’s hands, especially since that’s where he’s been all along. “Mami, why do I love you so much? Did God put this love in my heart? I love you even more now after this month with you than I did the first time I went to Teen Challenge.” And, I don’t have an answer for him because I can’t explain the depth, width, and lengths of this love that God has placed in my own heart for my precious child to whom I did not give birth. All I can say is that my life is far more beautiful than I ever could have imagined simply because God granted me the desire to obey Him in stopping for the one. I stopped for one, and four months later, I have a son with a leg on the road to healing, and I have a healing heart so full of love I feel as if I’ll burst. And this is only a small beginning.



 All my love,
Sarah