Learning to Rest and Receive

Elvis, Jorge, me, Estefanny, and Josuan visiting in El Buen Pastor
Hello All,

I’m not really sure where to begin. The two months that have elapsed since the last time I updated were full of lessons and difficulties I never really expected, but here we are, still moving forward in God’s grace.

I find myself in a place of transition and renewal, of asking questions and taking some time to just breathe. Every time I pray about where I am spiritually, God gives me a mental image of a tree burning. Everything dry and useless smolders, but beneath that waste, new, green buds cling to life. So, it’s a time of growing, stretching, and purification. It’s not easy, and there are days where I really want to lose all hope. But, just as my kids have done so often in the past, I grab hold of Philippians 1:6:

…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

In April and May, I went through some major problems with Marvin. It was some of the greatest evidence I’ve ever experienced of the truth that we don’t battle against flesh and blood. Without going into detail, let me just say that whatever we carry within, whether hurt or fear, anger or unforgiveness, will come out at some point in time no matter how hard we try to sweep it under the rug. This is the point of fellowship. We bump into each other. We expose each other’s weaknesses and pain. And, how we react to that revelation determines major questions of who we are and who we’ll be. I could spend this entire update complaining about Marvin’s behavior and how difficult it’s been to discipline him and hold strong in the midst of so much spiritual oppression, but the bottom line is that each one of my kids exposes my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my desperate need for God’s grace. I am so in need of a Savior—a Rescuer from past pain, a Defender in present conflicts, and a Fountain of love that deposits water of life to sustain me even when thoughts of the future overwhelm me. Needless to say, my time with Marvin has been eye-opening in revealing my own need for more faith, more courage, and more understanding of my own value as a daughter of the King.

In the meantime, Marvin is improving. I am so proud of how he has taken responsibility for his Bible school studies. Whereas before I was constantly on his case about his homework, he now readily keeps track of what is due when, and he diligently does his work. While I won’t say his grades are perfect or that he studies for all of his tests, I will gladly accept the independence he is exhibiting in managing his own deadlines. His attitude and his approach to various situations are also improving. Sometimes, he gets so frustrated with himself because just like his mama, he never wants to fail, and it’s hard for him to accept when he does. Marvin reminds me so much of myself when I was younger, which I know God utilizes to help me understand him. There are weeks where all we do is argue, but little by little, our relationship is improving, and even those pieces of advice I thought had gone in one ear and out the other are starting to seek deep into Marvin’s heart to change his behavior. It’s a beautiful work that only God can do. And, time and time again, God reminds me that my job is NOT to change my children. It is simply to love them wherever they are in their process of realizing they are not orphans but sons of the Most High. Please keep Marvin and myself in your prayers. It’s not easy for my kid either, and he has packed his bags to leave at least three times. But, here we continue.



Marvin (he has a love for little kids wherever he goes)

In the meantime, we are finally making progress on the food trailer. The repairs should be done as of this week, and I have already talked to the ladies who will also work with Marvin in the business. As soon as the trailer is fully finished, we should be in business…which I know I’ve said for the past six months—welcome to Honduras and Honduran time.



Josuan speaking on the day he was presented for finishing his year in Teen Challenge

In May, Josuan finished his year in Teen Challenge. We had both been counting down the days until he’d be home, and now that he is, he is a great help for me and for Marvin. Basically, from the time he gets up until the time he goes to sleep, he finds ways to serve me, help me, and make my life easier. This is such a relief I can’t begin to explain. While he had a job lined up in a carpentry shop, that job seems to have fallen through, so we’re working with Raúl to buy him his own carpentry tools so that he can work on his own or in collaboration with Raúl’s brother, Walter. He also recently started an online English course through a governmental educational institute. He won’t start studying in high school once again until next year due to the fact that the school year goes from February to November, and he couldn’t start classes in the middle of the year. While it may seem small, he also bought his own bicycle as transportation to his work from money that he had saved from making and selling bracelets. I mention this because it was the largest purchase he had ever made that was spent on something other than drugs. This milestone makes me very proud.

Josuan's bike

Erick participating in a drama in Teen Challenge

Erick is also doing well in his studies. To be more precise, he’s actually at the head of his class and had no grade lower than what would be the equivalent of a B in the US. His schedule is strenuous with still fulfilling his duties in Teen Challenge, but his teachers are impressed with his intelligence. What has yet to improve is his behavior as he has once again spent months without visits for disobedient choices. This is very hard for Erick’s mom, but we trust that all changes that need to take place, God is fully capable of doing. So we keep praying that God would chip away at the hard places in Erick’s heart. We so long to see a breakthrough in deep-seated bitterness and anger, hurt and insecurity. It's a healing that only God can do.




Bladimir with his baptism certificate in April

Sadly, we lost Bladimir. During his leave in April, he suddenly decided that he would not return to Teen Challenge. I could not force him to return, but I did make him aware that he was not going to stay in my house. The following day, when he was supposed to return to the center, he packed his things and left for the streets. He spent a week staying from house to house in our neighborhood until one neighbor brought him to me insisting that he go back to Teen Challenge. I said I would be willing to be responsible for him again and to talk to the pastor. After eight months of being in Teen Challenge and around ten being sober, he returned right back to drugs. The day before he showed up wanting to go talk to the pastor, he spent the whole day high. The pastor agreed to take him back, but Bladi decided he didn’t want to because he was going to have to start all over, committing for another year. Instead, he wanted to go to another center. This is a case we see all too often with street kids. They are so used to working the system that they wait until their bodies can’t take any more of their drug addictions or the street conditions, and they end up in a center. They stay long enough to get healthy and escape back to the streets, and the cycle continues until they have exhausted all of their options in centers or until they turn 18, and no one will take them for their age. In the end, after some tough love, Bladi did decide to return to Teen Challenge. But, he was there only two weeks before escaping and stealing from various people in Teen Challenge. Now, he is once again living in our neighborhood—sometimes high, sometimes sober. For the moment, he is living and working with a guy who sells water from a tank truck, and we still see him from time to time.



Jonathan, Marvin's brother, with his baptism certificate

Bladimir’s exit leaves only Jonathan (Marvin’s brother) and Erick in Teen Challenge. I still don’t feel like I know Jonathan that well, but from what his leaders say, he is well-behaved. He is recently excited because he is taking a baking course being offered in Teen Challenge. Just like Marvin, he is incredibly hyperactive and a clown, but he seems to get along with everyone and easily meshes in our family. I don’t get the sense that he and Marvin are too close as they used to be. It’s difficult for Marvin to see his family more active in visiting or asking about Jonathan than they were for him. But, to give myself a relief and also to give Jonathan a chance to build a better relationship with his family, I have started going every other week and sending Marvin’s mother the Sundays that we don’t go. That way, they can receive God’s Word and Jonathan can receive a visit from the people he wants to see the most. Jonathan has been in Teen Challenge going on two months, and he’ll have his first leave in the end of July.



Estefanny--she loves being called "princess"

Estefanny is struggling but we continue to fight for her. Her high school is full of old temptations, and she often feels very alone with no good Christian friends. She is learning to develop a closer walk with the Holy Spirit, but sometimes the ways of the world pull her away. Praying for Estefanny (or Fefi as we affectionately call her) one day, God showed me a vision of a piece of cloth wrapped around her arm. Sometimes, the cloth got caught on something of this world or someone grabbed onto it and tried to pull her away. But, God had her grasped so tightly by her other hand that even when she was pulled away briefly, she could never stray completely from her Heavenly Father. And, eventually a soft breeze unraveled the cloth from her arm, and this was no longer a problem. This is a great consolation for me because sometimes, I don’t know what else to do. Her family isn’t always as involved as I wish they would be. And, she is struggling greatly with her grades in her classes. She loves Jesus, and He calls her back again and again, but her environment seems so impossible at times. Please pray for a breakthrough for Estefanny, that God would make the escapes from temptation evident and would give her a vision of a bright future. She is often lacking a goal or a dream worth living and fighting for.




Elvis

Today is Elvis’ birthday although we won’t get a chance to celebrate until Saturday. El Buen Pastor has added another visitation day each month, so that means that we’ve been able to visit Elvis and Jorge more often. We still have not been able to arrange a visit between Elvis and his stepfather because he lost his legal documents for traveling, and now it is the rainy season, which means that the roads aren’t going to be in good enough condition for traveling. Elvis has just started studying with a new program, and little by little, is learning. He turns 15 today, and he has gotten so tall in this past year!



Jorge, Dad, Elvis, and Samuel

In the past couple of months, I’ve had some good conversations with Jorge that have surprised me. He is usually very hard to reach or get to open up, but in the past couple of months, he has expressed himself much more readily. He has a good friendship with the pastor of the orphanage, and I have been so blessed to see his spiritual growth. In a visit in April, he told me, “Sometimes, it’s really hard to be here, and I feel bad. Sometimes, I want to run away because I feel lonely. But when I feel that way, I’m learning that I can talk to God just like my best friend. That makes me feel better, so I stay.” He has a lot of hidden hurt as his mom and sister struggle with street life and drug addiction, but I believe that God has Jorge in the palm of His hand. I hope to one day be a support and provide a sense of family for Jorge when he leaves El Buen Pastor, and I was surprised to hear him make the comment that he hopes to be able to be part of our family when he leaves. We just keep loving and stopping for the people God puts in our family, and we trust that He'll use that love to mend their broken hearts.



Raúl and I on my birthday

That seems to have been the case with Raúl, who rededicated his life to Jesus a few months ago. This was a huge answer to two years of prayer. Raúl never stopped loving God or believing that He is real, but he did lose sight of his own worth and identity. He was hurt and let himself sink deeper and deeper into discouragement and apathy until only God could pull him out. He is still in the process of picking himself back up, rearranging his life priorities, and receiving God’s love and healing. But, it’s so good to see him once again worshipping God and slowly changing his mindset and approach to life. Please keep praying for him. At times, he’s like a sponge so in need of God’s love, and oftentimes, I am so emptied from giving of myself to others that I am not the right person to give him the love he needs. Pray that he’d learn to go directly to God as his first refuge and would be filled and healed from all past wounds.

As a result of Raúl’s life changes, Jonathan, one of the boys who works with Raúl has also rededicated his life to Jesus and started going to church. Jonathan struggles with drug addiction, but our family is doing our best to come alongside him and Raúl to be a source of encouragement and fellowship.



Some of the experiences we’ve had over the past couples months are:

Baptisms of the Teen Challenge boys (Josuan, Erick, Jonathan, and Bladimir) in April



Josuan being baptized

Josuan with his baptism certificate

Erick and his baptism certificate

Vacation to the North coast of Honduras (Tela, Triunfo de la Cruz, and La Ceiba) during Easter Week with Raúl, our friend and neighbor, Darcy, Marvin, and Alexis, a volunteer from Canada who was visiting.
It was my first time visiting the north coast, and it was beautiful. I am always so blessed that God brings me to the ocean when I need to be reminded of His faithfulness and consistency.


Marvin enjoying his second experience at the ocean

Alexis, me, and Raúl at Triunfo de la Cruz

Darcy

Beautiful

Estefanny’s 14th Birthday


Fefi and Jonathan--they covered her in icing!

 

Dad and Samuel’s Visit
We had a great visit with my dad and Samuel in May. It was so great to be able to share my Honduran family with my US family, and my kids were thrilled to meet their grandfather and uncle. They provided a wonderful support while they were here and were able to love this very tired mama back to life. We took them to visit Jorge and Elvis and to Teen Challenge and painted the house and started a garden. But, mostly, we just spent time building relationship, which is often what we need here the most. It was an encouragement for Marvin and Josuan to feel loved and approved by my dad. And I can guarantee that Jorge and Elvis will ask about my dad and Samuel from now on. I hope that we were also a blessing to them. It was so nice to have them here and to have familiar faces to celebrate my birthday (and Raúl's) with me.



Fefi and Mami



Uncle Sam holding Josuan like a baby



Estefanny and Elvis

Jorge, Tío Sam, Fefi, Josuan, and Elvis

Dad in Teen Challenge

Tío Sam, Jonathan, Abuelo Joe, and Josuan

Mami Yessi and I

Estefanny and Josuan

Mami Yessi and her son, Cristofer

Lilli and Dad (She is the child Mom and Dad have sponsored through Manos Extendidas for several years.)

Lilli, Samuel, and Dad

Lilli, me, and Dad

Family hike up the mountain

Marvelous Marvin and Abuelo Joe

Happy to see those smiling faces

Elvis and I

How many Honduran boys does it take to take down one gringo?

Josuan, Elvis, Tío Sam, Jorge, Abuelo Joe, and Estefanny


My Birthday
I feel like 25 crept up on me, but it was a restful day. Raúl showed up at 4 in the morning with flowers, a giant gift, and a group serenading me, and he brought his family over in the evening for a surprise birthday party. It was nice to be able to introduce Dad and Samuel to his family since they’ve been a support for me.



Birthday celebration

Icing fights with Raúl. I think he won.

Personally, this time has been one of waiting for new direction. At the moment, I am not considering sending any more boys to Teen Challenge (unless God has other plans, of course). Teen Challenge has been a wonderful place that most definitely helped my boys, and I’ve been so grateful for the support system it has been for us. However, even the pastor readily states that T.Ch. is not the best place for kids coming directly off of the streets, and that it the population that weighs the most heavily on my heart. If I can be a liaison for families interested in sending their youth to T.Ch., I will gladly help. But, I want to turn more of my attention to how God would have me work with the street kids even if I don’t have anywhere to take them for the time being.

With that said, I don’t want to do anything without first taking the time to receive God’s strategy. Before my dad and my brother came and Josuan came home, I had let myself get so exhausted and empty. I didn’t feel like a person anymore. I was just whatever anyone needed me to be, and I didn’t even know how to have preferences anymore. This is a dangerous place to be in ministry and is definitely not the ideal. So, I’ve been taking some time to just be refilled and recharged. A lot of people don’t understand this and get frustrated because it often means I have to sit down, be quiet, and not run to the aid of every person who is convinced that I’m the one to help them. Sometimes, I’m the one who needs help and needs love and needs rest. It’s hard for me not to fall into the trap of letting ministry be dictated by the needs of others. The needs will always be there and ever-increasing. Thus, I have to let obedience to God dictate ministry. It comes back to stopping for the One who is the One. The whole point of life is intimacy with Jesus, and when we leave that part out, we bear no fruit. And, I've been pleasantly surprised to hear God ask me, "What is the desire of your heart?" This lets me know that while my aim is always to obey, that He does give me permission to dream and long for the very things He placed in my heart even if I haven't seen them yet.

Currently, the only direction I have is worship. God has been showing me that where I choose to put Him first and where I worship Him, He will give me that spiritual territory and the people in it. This is a novel approach since it outwardly makes no sense, doesn’t fit a five-year plan with a projection of results, etc., but He showed me so clearly that where my family worships, angels are beckoned to break strongholds in people who have long been in bondage. (It’s no wonder God granted me a family of worshippers.) So, this past Monday, we went exactly where God showed me— to the center where the street kids hang out, in front of a statue of an angel stomping Satan to the ground, in a courtyard of a famous Catholic church, and worshipped. We weren’t a big group—just Marvin, Josuan, Darcy, and myself. And we weren’t aiming to call attention (although with my being a gringa that seems sadly inevitable). We just stopped for the One and afterward stopped for any ones that God laid on our hearts. I have a feeling that this wasn’t the last time we’ll be doing this. God keeps telling me, “You need to learn what it means to be desperate. So, go and be with the desperate that they may teach you.” So, I’m aiming to go lower with no strategy but intimacy with Jesus and no agenda but the simple gospel of stop for the One and stop for the one.

I want to leave you with some thought-provoking things I’ve been reading:

From Supernatural Anointing by Julia Loren:
Also, when it comes to missions, what we have done is we tried to achieve something you can only receive. . . . Everything in the Kingdom can only be received, not achieved. One key to the anointing is learning to be a good receiver. There is a connection with the anointing and the presence of God where there is rest. That’s how we’re going to wear the enemy out, because resting is receiving. . . . You say, “Papa, I don’t know how to do this.” And He says, “Good, then you’re qualified. Then you need My anointing.” (204-205).

From The Road to Daybreak by Henri Nouwen:
Jesus always leads us to littleness. It is the place where misery and mercy meet. It is the place where we encounter God. . . . To choose the little people, the little joys, the little sorrows, and to trust that it is there that God will come close—that is the hard way of Jesus. . . . I now see clearly why action without prayer is so fruitless. It is only in and through prayer that we can become intimately connected with Jesus and find strength to join him on his way. (88-89).

God reveals his glory by moving downward. If we truly want to see the glory of God, we must move downward with Jesus. This is the deepest reason for living in solidarity with poor, oppressed, and handicapped people. They are the ones through whom God’s glory can manifest itself to us. They show us the way to God, the way to salvation. (98).

All of my love,
Sarah