Hello All,
If there was ever a time to ask for your prayers, it's now. I'm not even sure how to begin, and there's a great part of me that would rather hide than share a pain I can't even put into words. But, I recognize my desperate need for the support, prayers, and encouragement from my brothers and sisters in Christ.
As is usually the case in Honduras, things can go on undisturbed, positively boring in routine and normalcy until out of nowhere, within the snap of your fingers, the entire world has been turned upside down. I realize that I haven't written since January, so I'll try to give you some brief context. As I mentioned in a previous post, all last year God had me in a process of pruning, cutting the things, attitudes, aspects of my life that weren't ever going to give fruit. Usually, the image He gave me was of a tree burning. It has been painful to say the least. At the beginning of this year, I was really asking God for some direction and some understanding about the future and guidance for the next steps to take. But, He was so silent. The only input He did give me was the word "presence" and the guiding question of, "What would your life look like if seeking My presence was your absolute first priority?" So, that's what I set out to do--seek His presence in any way possible. This began unexpectedly with attending a conference with Raul at the peak of a phase of utter exhaustion...well, maybe I'm actually in the peak now. I don't know. At the conference, I was so tired that I told God I just wanted Him to kill me in His presence because I quite simply was not enough. I just wanted to lay myself on the altar and let Him consume me because I was so tired of myself and my limitations in the battles I was going through in life.
To be honest, since October, we had had battles with Josuan and drug relapses. It started when he went to his cousins' funerals (they were murdered) in his hometown. I didn't go with him, and I wasn't even aware that he had smoked pot there until the second relapse happened in November. He was working on a carpentry project, alone at the house. I had only left for about an hour, and his being alone and working was a totally normal part of our routine. But, when I came home, he was high on paint thinner. It was a moment of unplanned temptation where he fell. It was devastating, and we came so close to losing him back to the streets. (Details of that story at http://velvetashes.com/the-battle-of-rest/ ) But, at the end of the battle, he was repentant, so we began to pick up the pieces, find the root of his weaknesses, and do the work of restoring His relationship with God. He stopped working at home with carpentry, and I sent him to work with Raul at the tire shop. And, most of his independence was greatly limited for a period of time until little by little, he regained my trust. It wasn't long, however, until Raul was making comments that he looked like he got to work (just a ten minute walk from my house) high on marijuana. Because I couldn't always be there in the moment to see it for myself, I wasn't really sure if it was true or not. At the beginning of January, I went to visit the boys in the orphanage while Josuan went to his English class. He was set to come home and complete a ton of chores he had to do in the house, so it wasn't like he didn't have anything to do. But, when I got home, he wasn't home, and none of the chores were done. He came down the hill from my house at last, high on shoe glue. He denied it until the Holy Spirit made me see every detail--the smell from his breath, the string of glue on his shirt, and the dried toothpaste on his lips that he had taken with him up the hill to try to cover the smell. This was a breaking point because that toothpaste let me know clearly that this was no longer a fall but rather a deliberate return to his old lifestyle. And, that was a problem. I talked to him, and while he did finally admit to some of the truth, he didn't really see a problem with his actions. That, to me, was a terrible red flag, and I spent some time really asking God, "What do I do with this?" All of that happened the day before the conference.
I was at a loss. I was so exhausted from trying to protect him and also dealing with normal, everyday battles with Marvin's attitudes or struggles he was also having though not with drugs. I had next to no time alone to rest or reflect because I feared leaving Josuan by himself for fear he'd fall back into drugs. I had reached the end of myself. I was angry. I struggled with loving my kids. And, I had no joy. But, God did something at that conference. He did give me a small word in the morning, and my ungrateful reaction was, "Is that it?!" (I had to repent for that later.) It was an all-day conference that we had stumbled upon without really planning on being there all day. In the afternoon, Josuan and Estefanny, who were with me, wanted to go back to the city to go to church because they were tired and because she was scheduled to serve in the church. But, I hadn't received from God what I so desperately needed. Normally, I would have ignored my needs to fulfill my kids' obligations, but this time, I heard God so clearly ask me again, "What would your life look like if your first priority was My presence?" So, we stayed because I wasn't going to leave without whatever God had for me. At the end of the service, Raul and I went up to give an offering together, and the visiting pastor prayed for us. We went back to the sidelines, and Raul began to talk about how strongly he felt God's presence whenever the pastor prayed...I had felt nothing. But, the pastor approached and told us, "When you do a prophetic act of faith, you allow God to release your lamb of sacrifice. Just as Abraham had his arm raised with the dagger to kill Isaac and God stopped him to give him the lamb of sacrifice, God is now able to release that lamb of sacrifice in your lives. What was impossible for you naturally, God is now able to do for you supernaturally in your life, your relationship, your ministry, and your finances." And, I could only cry when a wave of peace hit me, and I understood what God was saying. I was never going to be enough for the battle with Josuan, nor in many other battles I was going through. I was willing to place myself on the altar as the sacrifice to waste myself away in utter exhaustion for my children, but God released the lamb of sacrifice, Jesus, to be enough. That was the start of a release for me, an understanding that God didn't expect me to be able to protect Josuan from himself and to understand that my son had to start doing his part.
The following day, I was in church just worshiping God when out of nowhere I heard Him say so clearly, "At this point, if any of your children return to a lifestyle of the streets, it is not your fault. There is no blood on your hands. You have done everything possible." It scared me to hear that because it let me know that it was a possibility that I was going to lose someone, but it was also a great comfort to know that I had run the race and done my part. It's a word that I now cling to minute-by-minute.
During this time, Erick decided he was going to leave Teen Challenge at the end of his two mandated years there. His mom was completely against this idea as he could stay and still study in high school and because he had caused so many problems for her every time he was on leave. But, he refused to listen, and he left Teen Challenge. Within a week, he was smoking, not going to church, and living his life however he wanted. He still lives with his mom and works and studies, but he told her outright, "I haven't accepted Jesus in my heart. I don't want anything to do with that." After two years of fighting for this kid, you can imagine our devastation. This is the kid who almost died in a hospital after being attacked in a juvenile delinquent center, whose father was murdered, and whose brother was murdered (for being associated with bad stuff). Yet, he still wants to run from Jesus. I don't get it.
In the spirit of feeling released to seek God's presence and let Him take control of taking care of my kids, I went every night of a week-long worship service that a church here (Tsebaoth) was having. They have it every year, and I've gone every year for the past three years--and God always speaks to me there. I was so desperate to hear more from Him, and He did talk to me. He didn't give me the answers about the present I so wanted, but He did show me many, many things about the future and new doors and new ministry. During that week, Raul called me to tell me that Josuan had gotten to work an hour late and had arrived high on pot. I had no idea what to do because this was a very real problem, so I called Mario, a leader from Teen Challenge, who has been such a wise friend of our family and a great help to my kids. And, using the verse, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord," the same verse that God had given me in confronting Marvin about some issues we had had last year, he told me, "Sarah, you have got to put your limit. You tell him, 'The next time I catch you high, you leave my house.'" This was difficult for me to consider because I love Josuan and because I knew that he was in no way equipped to live on his own. Marvin, though still struggling with some areas, has matured to the point that he could live on his own and seek God and not return to the streets. But, Josuan was no where near close because he had grown so accustomed to depending on me, that I'd always be the person rescuing or keeping him from returning to the streets instead of taking responsibility for seeking God himself and making wise choices himself. That night in the worship service, one of the singers spoke for nearly half an hour about that very same verse, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." Though painful, I had my confirmation. So, I cornered Josuan the following day, and I told him that the next time I personally caught him high, he would have to leave. In other words, the next time he chose to get high, he would also be choosing to leave my house. He was quite angry about this and responded by blaming, manipulating, accusing Raul, and denying that he had been high at all--all reactions letting me know that Raul had been completely right.
One of the things God showed me during that week was that He was bringing a shifting from focusing on people to focusing on His presence. All this past year, the pruning I've been going through has been learning not to put my children as a higher priority than my relationship with God. My first ministry is to His Person. In a conversation we had, He told me, "Just like David had to leave his sheep to step into his destiny, you're going to experience a shift from pastor to prophet, from focusing on people to focusing on Me." So, I asked Him, "How much longer until the pruning stops?" That same night, when we had arrived (late, which I was frustrated about), we had to park in a location far from the church where there is a hill above. When we got out of the car, the entire hillside was on fire. This is relatively normal in Honduras as people set fires and they rapidly spread throughout the forests. But, we took a moment to look at this blazing hill towering above us, and I said to myself, "This means something." At the end of the service, just as I was asking God how much longer I would be pruned, we got to the car, and I had my answer. The hill that had previously been blazing was now mostly smoke and smoldering ash with only a few licks of flame left. I wouldn't be burning in purification for too much longer.
I so wanted more of God, so Nelly and I enrolled in Tsebaoth's School of Prophets even though it cost much more than I would ever want to spend on myself. To be honest with you, I've been struggling with lowered financial support since December and having to be careful in how I budget--and even so with car problems, Josuan's school supplies and fees, etc., have had to live off of some savings.
The School of Prophets was such an incredible blessing to me. Words can't describe how much I learned and how filled with God's presence I was during that very intense week of classes from 8:30 AM to 9 PM some nights. God showed me so many things (again, not about my present problems) and gave me confirmations and encouraged me greatly. It was a time of being strengthened that I had so desperately needed. And, most of the words I received there from God and from other people was that the time had come to stop being defensive against the enemy and to take offensive action. And, God laid it on my heart to have a meeting with my kids to pray over them, to take spiritual control over my house, and to establish worship in my house again. I learned what demons had been tormenting us, and I was ready to take a stand. So, on Sunday, February 1, we made it our first priority. I taught my kids about the demons that had been manipulating them and taught them how those spirits are given power in our lives--things I had learned from those classes. And, we had a time of worship where I prayed over them. I led them in renouncing those spirits that have worked so hard to cause destruction in their lives and our family. Marvin was very willing, but Josuan refused. I still prayed for him as God showed me a dark shadow descending over him, but it was a disappointing sign of what was to come.
God had also told me to sprinkle salt around my house as a prophetic act of sealing that territory as His (Judges 9:45...salt was also used in Bible times to supernaturally decontaminate water). So, after our meeting, I walked around my house, seven times as God told me to, praying and sprinkling salt. As soon as I walked outside my door, the smell of smoke hit me. The hill beside our house was on fire, and my house was filling with ashes. (I had just learned that ashes symbolize the past, mourning, and death within the Kingdom of God.) And, I thought to myself, "This is not a coincidence. This is retaliation." But, I put my house in God's hands. I left my house, and hours later, Josuan told me that the fire had reached our property and was coming ever-closer before the police finally came to put it out. It made me wonder what would have happened to my house if I hadn't obeyed. When I finally got home that night, there was not even smoke remaining. The burning had stopped.
On that Monday, I'd had Jonathan on leave and had to take him to the doctor. Josuan was also starting high school classes at the high school beside our house. He went and came back to the house with everything normal. Then he got ready to go to work and left. But, he came back to the house to go to the bathroom and left again. Not too long after, Raul called me to tell me that Josuan had arrived high on marijuana. I had told Josuan that the next time Raul called me, that I'd go and see for myself if it was true. I can tell you whole-heartedly that I didn't want to go. I drove down praying the entire way, "Please don't let it be true. Please." But, as soon as I saw those red eyes and started asking questions, it was so obviously true. He was livid and defensive, blaming me and everyone. And, before I even had the chance to tell him to leave, he was already volunteering. He left the business to get high on paint thinner. Then he went to the market to get high on shoe glue. I still had to leave Jonathan at the bus, and I didn't have time to let Josuan in to get his stuff. But, that night, he arrived at the house like nothing had happened. He came in, got himself some food, and acted like he hadn't done anything. I told him, "You have an hour to eat, get your stuff, and leave," but he replied, "I'm not leaving."
To make a long story short, he did stay that night, acting repentant, saying he knew he wasn't ready to live on his own, etc. To be honest, I didn't feel like he was truly repentant at all, but I told myself that I'd rather err on the side of mercy than on the side of judgment. So, he stayed after making me a list of all of the things he was going to do to pick himself up and to restore his relationship with God (like getting up early to pray and read the Bible, etc.). The following day he went to school, and I began to research just how many things he'd lied about. I went to Raul's business to retrieve his cell phone he'd left charging. He was on his last chance with me, and in my house, cell phones are privileges, not rights. When he found out I'd confiscated his cell phone, he had his excuse and decided to leave for good...which he did except that he left his things here. I knew he'd come back to try to manipulate his way back into the house, so I took Marvin and we got out of town for a few days to rest and so I could get a definitive word from God about how to handle Josuan. We went to the same place where Raul had taken us to the conference. The pastor offered to take Josuan in there since he works with young people and has a home for former drug addicts, so that was my option. God made it painfully clear that Josuan was the last thing being pruned from my life and that I was not allowed to be the one helping him this time because he had come to rely on me as a crutch instead of seeking God for himself. During the time we were out of town, Josuan brought one of his drug addict friends from the market to my house, where they got on my roof trying to get in, bathed with the water from our tanks, and slept on my porch. But, I returned to the city ready to face what I needed to.
Since returning, it has been an intense battle for Marvin and I. Just as I was for ten months, I've been struggling with stomach sickness, losing weight, battling nausea due to emotions, and having to force myself to eat. And, Josuan has lived in the rocks beside our house, bathing in my pila, and tormenting outside of my house every night while high. The first night, it was like hearing demons speak to me through my son--one minute he was crying and tapping my window and saying "mami" over and over, saying, "Mami, it's your son Josuan. I'm your son. Why don't you recognize me? Please, mami, don't let me get lost. Don't you love me?" It was heart-wrenching, and I can honestly say that had it not been for God adamantly saying no, I would've caved and brought him in. But, when I didn't respond and kept ignoring him, the voice changed, and it was angry and accusatory and threatening suicide. This went on all night. Marvin and I didn't sleep. The following day, I gave Josuan all of his stuff, and he had no further excuse to come to my house. Though sober, he cried at the top of his lungs that he'd lost everything and started cutting himself. I ignored him, and as soon as Raul got to my house, he flipped a switch like a little man and was proud and not crying. When I offered to take him to the pastor's home, he refused. That day, we went to Teen Challenge, and when I came home, he was high with all of his stuff in the rocks beside my house. I was beside myself with exhaustion. He had gone to the church high, and Estefanny was devastated and crying. And, Marvin and I were physically and emotionally spent. I talked to Alvin, and he counseled me to call the police if Josuan started bothering again with the mindset that it'd be better for him if he had somewhere to sleep and eat and maybe be sent to a center. So, Sunday night, he was outside Marvin's window, crying, cutting himself, saying nobody loved him, and threatening suicide. Marvin was beside himself, crying, and saying, "Mami, this hurts too much. I've never loved anyone like I love my brother, Josuan. Not even my own family. Why does this have to happen?" We've just been crying together. So, we called the police, and they took him away.
Yesterday, I went to the police station where they were holding him with the hope to be able to talk to him while he was sober. I was wrong as he had smoked pot that he'd hidden from the police even while in the jail. I presented his options of going to the pastor's to get help and be restored or that I was going to get him expelled from school (because I had signed to be responsible and he was going sometimes still but while high) and was going to put an order out that he legally couldn't come to my house. He said he was going to go to the pastor's house, but I felt in my spirit that it was a lie, that he was just using me to get out of jail. They were only going to hold him for 24 hours anyway, and they weren't going to send him to a center. He turns 18 tomorrow and will legally be an adult. So, I got him out. He no sooner got in the car before stating outright that he wasn't going to go. So, I told him to get out of the car, and he left, saying that it'd be better for everyone to assume he was dead. He arrived later at Raul's to pick up some stuff and was cursing me at every turn. Marvin and I got home last night, fearing his revenge. But, last night, we slept free from torment.
I don't think there are really any words for how I'm feeling right now. I have moments in the day when I just collapse in tears from so much pain, and there are moments in the day when I'm really battling anger and hatred because the betrayal is so great and the pain so searing. But, I choose over and over to forgive him and to focus on Jesus because I don't battle flesh and blood anyway. It's a struggle to be in this house and in this place where I have two years of memories with my son who I still love so dearly. Sometimes, I just want to abandon being a mom and just escape. Cleaning out his room was like a funeral. And, I'm not really sure which is more difficult--hearing demons speak through him to me every night outside my window or knowing that there is a spirit of death pursuing him and not knowing where he is or how he is. I've never known a pain like this, but I don't regret any of it. I don't regret loving my boy with all I had. I don't regret the hours spent together nor the stories shared. I don't regret the money spent or memories made. I don't regret the sacrifice of two years of my life because it was all for Jesus. Astoundingly, I have found myself in the midst of so much pain, looking up at a sunset or feeling a breeze and being overwhelmed by His beauty. He is still worthy. He doesn't ever stop being worthy even when I don't understand. And, I am captivated by something I heard Bill Johnson teach--that when we get to heaven, there won't be any pain, which means we have a unique opportunity to offer up to God here on earth offerings of praise in the midst of pain and suffering. It's a fragrance of worship that comes only from earth because there is no sorrow in heaven. I just want to lavish it all at His feet.
I still have hope for Josuan. I still love him, and I still intercede for him, asking God to have mercy for him. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if he'll return to Jesus or not. But, I believe in God's goodness. I declare that Jesus beat death, that Jesus still wins even when circumstances don't depict that. And, my kids and I are clinging to the truth that my son is a son birthed from a promise that God gave to me. Believe me that there are times that Satan attacks me with, "What's the name of your ministry? Family of Promise? Some family you have. They've all deserted you." But, I respond with the promise God granted me in Isaiah 54.
There are still a lot of answers I'm waiting on from God. There is a part of me that feels like this is the end of a chapter. The pruning is over, and that means new growth, new direction. But, I do still have Marvin and Jonathan, who I love dearly, and I want to love them well and ensure that they are given the greatest opportunity to succeed in their lives as sons of light. But, I also recognize now more than ever that none of this is about me. I can try to be the greatest mom on earth, but that doesn't guarantee a victory. It's all His work and His way. I've never wanted to seek His face more in my life than now. May we wash His feet with our tears, and may the pain of this loss be a fragrant oil to anoint His head.
Please pray for us. Pray for Josuan that God would break the chains of drug addiction in his life, that God would rescue him from a spirit of death, and that God would restore him as His son. Estefanny and Marvin need strength in their faith to keep moving forward and to let this be a wake-up call for them to take care of their relationship with Jesus. Raul has been faithful in being by my side. I don't know any other man who would've stayed through so many trials. I love him so much, and I have been so blessed to see him move into his destiny as a father. (He was the very first to buy food to take to Josuan in jail.) Please pray that God gives us strength to care for one another and let this difficulty bring us closer together as a family. And, I just need more of Him--His grace, His healing, His love that covers a multitude of sins, and His direction for the future.
Thanks so much for reading and for partaking of our story written by His grace.
All my love,
Sarah
