When I was in middle school, about a month or so before Christmas break, in that season after we'd already had a taste of freedom during Thanksgiving, our poor teacher (small private school...just the one) struggled to motivate us. One day, she half-lectured us even as she admitted that she was also fighting to not mentally check out. I think Raúl and I are in the same boat at the moment. We're so excited to have time with my family and in the US before too long, and at the same time, as we're in the middle of the hot and dry season, our outward surroundings are reflecting the condition of our souls. Raúl feels like a sponge squeezed dry. There are still people and circumstances trying to get some kind of last moisture from him, but my dear husband, who has served alongside me and dealt with many of the same emotional pains and spiritual battles, has never had the kinds of breaks that I have. And, it's showing. I look forward to when the switch gets flipped for him from the perpetual "gimme gimmes" to the "let me love on yous" that I generally experience in the States. It's startling in the best kind of way, honestly. As compared to years past, I don't feel emotionally burnt out. I feel quite hopeful, really. But, my soul is tired. I feel a bit like the world is spinning too fast, and I want to get off. My life feels a bit like that afternoon slump when drumming up energy seems futile. With all of that said, we actually are trucking along if only for the promise of an upcoming break and also because we simply are ourselves with each need and circumstance that arises, and being ourselves often means counseling, providing, correcting, encouraging, and whatever else the situation demands.
Raúl is in the throes of preparing his business to be cared for by his partner/brother while he is gone. As is often the Honduran way, they've had years to do this and have waited until almost the last minute. My opinions on that I'll just keep to myself, but it's made for Raúl working many later nights in the process. In the mean time, I have been saving, saving, saving in order to leave our students with their semesters paid for in advance and have continued to progress as much as we can in English classes before we leave.
Those classes are going well, by the way. We've been adding students to our numbers in the past few weeks, and while there are those who have dropped out (which is inevitable here), we've certainly had our core group that has continued to make great efforts and strides. It's also been a blessing for Raúl to once again be learning in a classroom setting. He is so social that, while he's my hardest student to keep on task, he does actually learn better when others can help spur him on. Classes are also an encouragement to me because they provide some sense of results and tangible forward motion that the rest of my life can often lack.
The students we sponsor with our non-profit are doing well. Though it seems counter-intuitive, Esthefany will have her high school graduation ceremony in just a week even as she is wrapping up her first trimester of college classes. She loves her classes in university and so far feels confident that she has picked a major that sparks her interest. Meanwhile, her brother, Josuan, hasn't been near us since December. He made some poor choices, and it became evident to us that we needed to place some new boundaries so as not to fall into enabling him. He just turned 22 last month. He has been in contact with us periodically, though, and from what we can tell, he's been with some of his family members. Marvin, as far as we know, continues to be in prison. I recently had lunch with Jorge who is doing very well. He continues to live in a transition home run by a missionary family that works for the same organization that heads up the children's home where he grew up. We had some great conversations about how he's learning to navigate family dynamics. After years with little to no connection with his biological family, he's been thrown into meeting all of the family members and observing how years of some dysfunction have played out in his absence. I imagine it would have to be so bizarre to develop an idea of what family should look like and then finally meet your family and have it present challenges you never expected. With that said, Jorge knows Jesus and is often receiving good advice from the missionaries he is living with. He is also taking some barber classes because he'd like to start his own small business and be independent.
All in all, a lot of normal life is going on for us. That looks like small group and meetings with young people for counseling. That looks like preparing lessons for English classes and Spanish tutoring. That looks like getting our electricity issues checked out and taking our dog to the vet. It looks like washing dishes at the pila and mopping the floors. It looks like standing in line at the bank and balancing the checkbook. It looks like Bible study with my missionary ladies and grocery shopping. It also looks like unexpected visitors and invading respiratory viruses. It looks like previously unannounced needs and plumbing woes. And it looks like a lengthy to-do list of all kinds of things I need to tackle before we leave.
On a personal note, since I am picking up on my own compassion fatigue and just overall need for a break, I'm giving myself some permission to pull back and remember some elements of my own identity that don't revolve around being a missionary. Permitting myself the room to breathe is giving me the strength and determination to push through what I do need to keep up with and prepare to leave things in the best working order they can be.
So, if you're keeping track, here are some areas of prayer for us:
*The energy and time management we need to prepare everything that is lacking to be able to travel.
*God's protection and direction over the business while Raúl is gone (and that they'll prepare well in the mean time).
*Esthefany as she wraps up her first semester and as she'll start her next one.
*Josuan--God's continued protection and mercy over him and pursuit of him
*Marvin--the same
*Jorge--God's continued direction and open doors as He leads Jorge to be the man he's called to be.
*Our trip--that God would already start setting things in motion to breathe on our dry bones and give us greater clarity for our future in ministry.
Love to you all,
Sarah
