"There but for the grace of God, go I."

Hello All,

I've been back in Honduras for two weeks today and am just now finding a bit of a routine. There were some very hard goodbyes and a rough transition back to Honduras. But, I have been finding that this is often the case for many missionaries, not just me. So, if you know of a missionary who is headed back to the field after furlough or a family visit or a fundraising trip, keep them in your prayers. So much can happen while you're away, and oftentimes, not only are you wrestling with physical exhaustion from travel, emotional pain from goodbyes, and cultural shifts, you are also often stepping into ministerial problems that need immediate attention. It can be a lot to handle all at once. I have been so thankful for the community that God has provided for me both here in Honduras and in the US who have let me cry in voice messages, sit on their couches and process, and have prayed with me as I've been navigating a hard start to a new year. With that said, I am excited for this year! There are a lot of great things on the horizon for ministry, and while Lindsey and I are still working through what a lot of things will look like, we feel God's presence and leading close to us. He is working, and we just want to walk out His dreams in the best way possible.

The Ministry of Wisdom

One of the things that God really emphasized to me while I was in the States is how much we should value wisdom as children of God. We often chase after large crowds for our ministries to impact or pray for miracles and call out for financial provision, and all of those needs are real and important to God. But, I have been reminded that often many of those needs would be served by seeking out wisdom from God just as Solomon did. He does care about the details and wants to give us divine insight into our circumstances. It's up to us to not only include Him but also to prioritize Him.

Speaking for my own life, I have felt so thankful for the wealth of wisdom that God has placed in my life not just through resources like the books that I read but also and especially through people who have life experience and depth in their walks with God. A community of wise counselors is priceless to me and makes withstanding many circumstantial needs so much easier as well as knowing how to make choices to go beyond just surviving to thriving in walking in God's Kingdom. That is why much of what we do here in Honduras isn’t very measurable or tangible because the greatest needs are often abstract—vulnerable community, trustworthy counselors, and someone to just listen. We have found from experience that providing an opportunity for education or employment isn’t enough. The student often stops attending or the employee continues to drown in debt. At the heart of the issue, the student needs to feel that they have hope for a future and the self-esteem to believe they can improve their life through education. The employee doesn’t just need an income; he needs wisdom as to how to administrate and live within his means. All of this comes back to counsel and doing the hard, relational work of earning the trust of others. During the time I was in the States and since I’ve been back, a lot of my time has been spent counseling others and really just being an intentional, good friend. That has looked different depending on the situation, but the investment of time is the greatest gift I think I have to offer. One of the greatest resources that is lacking in Honduran culture is trustworthy relationships. Iron sharpens iron. But when you have no safe people to turn to, people who will give you both grace and truth, often that potential for maturity isn’t met, and cycles of problems continue. Please join us in praying that God would give us the wisdom needed for every person who crosses our path as well as for our own difficult decisions.

Worship Nights

Worship is still really what is fueling this season of life and ministry. For me, it's easy to get caught up in achievement mode even when Bible reading or time with the Lord. Sometimes, I can fall into the trap of just wanting to cross something off of my to do list. Worship, however, keeps me grounded right in this moment. And, the more that I prioritize it, the more that I do hear God's voice and receive the wisdom and hope needed to be a vessel of something life-giving to others. In this month of January, a local church has been having ongoing intercession, worship, and fasting. So, in the spirit of unifying the Body of Christ, we have also been taking our ministry group members to their worship nights. It has provided a chance for those of us who tend to facilitate to also be able to rest and receive in a new environment. And, I have been blessed by God's presence, and all that He has been saying! After January, we do plan to continue worship nights and expand the invitations to others to be present and participate.

Lindsey continues to facilitate worship nights in Ciudad España in partnership with One Day Revival Ministry. We have been growing as we learn how to best structure these worship nights for the population we are ministering to. In the past year, that has looked different at different times--including worship and prayer and some teaching time--but, we have been blessed by how long these nights have consistently gone on and how God has been drawing people unto Himself. Last night's worship night, we had every chair occupied and many kids sitting tight on cushions on the floor. Please join us in praying that God would continue to lead us well and to give us grace as we seek His strategies for Ciudad España.

Esthefanny's Diploma

I am so happy to report that Esthefanny finished her first year in college with a major in journalism. Her studies have gone well, and she has enjoyed her classes so far. However, she has reached a bureaucratic obstacle in continuing because her high school has taken more than a year to hand out diplomas. It sounds ridiculous, but this is often the case here. One person doesn't do their job or doesn't do their job well, and hundreds of students get behind in their studies or future endeavors just because one signature is lacking. It boggles the logical mind, but it's the reality. Esthefanny was able to register for university classes on a temporary provisional condition that she would bring in her diploma as soon as she got it. For over a year, the powers that be in her high school have given her false promises of when that would happen. Since I have been back in Honduras, we have been able to find information about what options she has to speed up the process. But, even so, her high school continues to tell her a new date every couple of weeks, and the high school's director does not take our calls or answer our messages. We are still in the thick of this and are unsure what the outcome will be. How heartbreaking it would be for Stef to have to repeat her last two years of high school because of someone's negligence (especially since she just passed her first year of college!). Please join us in praying that that diploma would be released into her hands as soon as possible and that God would give us divine favor and wisdom as to how continue to pressure for justice.

A Update on Josuan

When I left for the States, Josuan was kind of bouncing back and forth between places. His drug use has closed a lot of doors for places to stay over the years, and the last I had heard, he was living with a friend in Ojojona. While I was in the States, a leader and family friend from Teen Challenge sent me a message that Josuan was in Teen Challenge. Apparently, the pastor saw him on the streets of Ojojona and took him to Teen Challenge directly from there. I am not sure exactly how long he has been there, but it is likely nearing two months because this Sunday is the first Sunday he will be allowed to have visitors. We do plan to go visit him this Sunday, and let me tell you, this full circle situation is so surreal. In February, it will be seven years since Josuan became my kid after breaking his leg on the streets. I have had several moments with God where I have just replayed the last seven years and have thought about what has changed. A lot has changed, and I am encouraged by that, oddly enough, as my son enters rehab (of his own volition) for the second time. When I met Josuan, he had been living on the streets for three years since the age of 12. He had been in and out of government-run homes and ministry homes for street-connected youth. He did not have a community of people who would show him the love of Jesus. He was addicted to shoe glue, crack, and marijuana and often dabbled in alcohol and paint thinner. And he was buried deep in some heartbreaking situations.

I remember vividly sitting by his side at the hospital and having a pastor come by and start evangelizing to Josuan. I don't remember exactly what he said, but it was to the effect of, "God loves you and wants to meet you right where you are." And after the pastor walked away, Josuan looked up at me with total sincerity and asked, "Do you think God could actually love me?" And, while I reassured him calmly with my words, I felt fiercely within me the determination of "yes, He absolutely does, and I will do everything in my power to show you what that looks like." Now, seven years later, Josuan has a permanent metal rod in his leg that serves as a reminder when it gets cold of how God swooped in during his moment of need. It's like his Jacob's limp. He knows the Word. He has heard the voice of God in his own heart. He has prayed and seen prayers answered. He has felt God's touch and experienced God's divine, merciful protection and provision. Josuan's family seven years ago didn't have relationships with Jesus, and now, his sister is a leader in her church and talks to God as a best friend. Her mom and stepfather go to a church and got legally married from their newfound convictions and relationships with God. Where there was hurt and confusion in his family relationships, God has started the process of reconciliation, and Josuan's mother prays for him all the time. And, even apart from his biological family, God has provided a community of people beyond myself who love him, have helped him, and continue to fight for him in so many ways.

I don't know why it is taking my son such a long time to have that final breakthrough. I honestly don't know why God has given him so many chances. But, as I've been pondering walking into a familiar place like Teen Challenge now feeling like a totally different person with seven years of wisdom and experience and history with God on this journey, I get an image of myself in a boxing ring. And, I'm on the floor and down for the count, and the Trinity is all around me whispering in my ear, "Baby, you gotta get up! This is round two! Come on! It's time. Let's do this." And as I get up, I am overwhelmed by all that God has walked with me and provided for me in the last seven years. The provision. The lessons and maturing. The piecing together my heart over and over again. And, the community of people He has placed at my side who hold my arms up. I don't know what the outcome of Round 2 will be for Josuan. And there's a part of me that wants to slip into self-preservation and prepare my heart for the worst. But that's not what God's love looks like. And I've only ever come out on the other side a better person, more in communion with the suffering of my Savior, when I've chosen to love with a whole heart.

Personal Finances

In the interest of being vulnerable, one of the biggest difficulties that I walked back into when I got back from the US was the reality of some financial situations and the many large expenses that we have coming up. This is an area in our marriage where cultural conflicts are often present. Coming from a culture that, at least on the surface for those of us who want to be lawful, requires diligence in keeping track of spending and earning in order to file taxes, I operate best in that kind of order. Keeping accurate tallies of expenditures and using a budget and letting the facts of the numbers spent and earned speak in terms of what is wise to cut and what is still worthy of our investment is just logic to me. My husband, on the other hand, comes from a socio-economic culture where you're lucky if you know how you're going to pay for your next meal and where many businesses like his own never make a budget because the consequences for not doing so aren't readily apparent. If they have enough for what they want that day, they can call that success. The mindset is almost always on the present rather than the future, in least in practical steps. This is such a strain for us in navigating what his being a US immigrant and resident means for his having to file US taxes and having to change all of his financial habits to get in line with a new culture and way of doing things. Without going into too much detail, I will say that we aren't there yet (though we have been working toward it), and we need God's grace. I have budgeted and saved and scrimped as much as possible, but the truth of the matter is that I have already experienced even in my own situations how God has provided for things I was not prepared for (often because I didn't know it was coming). As a wife, it can be hard not to freak out when you've warned your husband for a long time that something is coming, and he isn't prepared when it's nearly upon you. "There but for the grace of God, go I." It's easy to want to get angry and place blame, and in some cases, there are lessons that do need to be learned and a greater respect that needs developed. But, in my own walk with Christ, I am choosing to see the situation and our inadequacy as an invitation to mine my own soul to find the deficiencies in my faith.

For a long time, I think I have been in a defensive, self-preservation mode because of the many years when it seemed like it was always something. I felt like I was continuously getting blindsided like someone attempting to stand in ocean waves who keeps getting knocked down. Now, however, I feel the invitation from the Lord to return to discovery mode. Rather than frantically trying to find a solution to this new threat of harm, I can see the situation with the wonder of a child who trusts a graceful Father and who asks, "How will you rescue me this time?" It's a path I'm inching my way down, so some days, faith rises up, and I do feel that way. Other days, it's all I can do to just cry out to Jesus in the midst of my doubt. Stewardship is important, and those of you who have known me a long time, likely know how I'm constantly pondering the best way to steward my time and finances and resources for something of eternal value. I am often my harshest and most demanding critic. But, learning good stewardship doesn't happen overnight. I was blessed to come from parents who both gave me an allowance and also sat me down to teach me that we set aside 10% for tithe as first priority, another percentage for savings, and we are free to use what is left. Stewardship was a value instilled in me from a very young age, and it's a path I've been walking and learning since then. My husband never had that kind of instruction or structure, and his path of learning stewardship is looking different than mine. But God's grace for us both doesn't change.

As we enter this new year, we do have a lot of expenses coming up in a short span of time. Because of Raúl's immigration status, we have to return to the US in the spring which means another round of plane tickets. This is also the first year that Raúl has to file taxes as a US resident, and because of the uniqueness of our situation, we seek out a professional to help us know the best way of doing things. He likely won't have to pay income taxes since the source of his income is Honduras and not the US, but he will have to pay self-employment taxes since he has no withholdings from his income for things like social security in the US. Our desire and plan has also always been that Raúl apply for his citizenship as soon as we have the funds to do so. Unfortunately, the prices for processing citizenship applications will be going up 83% this year. So now, we need somewhere in the ballpark of $3,000 rather than $2,500. I won't lie--after so much difficult effort in saving (and still feeling so far from the original mark), finding out that the finish line was being moved on me, I cried. It's overwhelming, friends, and I ask for you prayers, definitely for provision, but also especially that God would mature us through these circumstances. I want to develop a deeper level of trust in God's provision and in the belief that He does extend us His grace and that He does care about each of these needs. I want to see my husband grow in stewardship, and in our marriage, I want to become more of a respectful team in our finances.

If nothing else has come from this situation, I have felt God's invitation to confront some lies that I struggle with in this area. I am not on my own no matter how I may feel. You would think that eight years with no salary and just living month to month from the generosity of others and the provision of a loving Father would have taught me that, but I still struggle sometimes with feeling like the needs are all on my shoulders. Doubt can sometimes creep in, or I fall into convincing myself that if I have failed to plan and prepare well, that I don't deserve God's provision. And, I share all of this with you because I want to be intentional in vulnerability. Yes, we I am a missionary, and I have said many hard yeses to the Lord. But every day, I am also human and in need of God's grace. And, some days, the yes He requires of me is admitting my inadequacy, confessing my doubts, and leaning into His everlasting arms. So, if you find yourself in the same or similar positions, just know, you are not alone.

I love you all dearly and so appreciate your willingness to read and keep up with us. And, I readily invite you to share any and all thoughts and prayer requests you may have so that we may lift each other up. My e-mail address is sarah.crickenberger@gmail.com.

All of my love,
Sarah