Hello All,
We're currently in New Orleans, Louisiana, and what a city it is! We have been here for 2 days and leave tomorrow. We're staying in a hostel called Joe and Flo's Candlelight Hostel. The staff is really friendly, and we've been out on the (hot) town for the past couple days. We check out today, though, and are headed to Port Arthur, Texas to go to Celebration of Life Church. There have been lots of interesting things happen that are worth writing about; however, I'm rather pressed for time at the moment. Maybe when I get a free one later, I'll write more. For now, all is well. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Sarah
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Blessings from Starkville
Hello from Starkville, Mississippi! Our road trip is coming along nicely and has been such a blessing thus far. Our biggest expense is gas, of course, but I am so thankful that after all of the berating from people saying, "Fine time for a road trip! Don't you know that gas is going to be $5.00 a gallon this summer?" that gas has actually been cheaper on the road than it was in West Virginia when I left. The cheapest we've seen is $3.30 while the most expensive has been $3.89. The longest we've driven so far is difficult to calculate simply because driving from Keyser, WV to Sneads Ferry, NC would be close to driving from Vero Beach, FL to Panama City Beach, FL had we not gotten confused and thought our friend lived in Panama City rather than Panama City Beach. Needless to say, this mixup added some time to our travels. I don't think we've driven longer than 9 hours at this point. Gabrielle and I split the driving, so while I drive she journals or reads and vice versa. We have found that neither of us feel the need to sleep while the other is driving. I'm not sure why. We live pretty cheap on the road. We try to buy fresh fruit and vegetables or trail mix to tide us over rather than stopping at mealtimes at restaurants. We do occasionally like to enjoy the local cuisine, but we try to choose wisely and generally have a rule that we don't want to spend money going to any chain restaurants. Because traveling has kind of become our way of life, and we're already growing and learning as a result, it feels like we've been on the road so much longer than is the reality--2 weeks and 2 days. We have visited churches in the past couple Sundays--Tirzah ARP Church in York, SC and Heritage Bible Church in Panama City, FL. Both of which support Alvin Anderson and Manos Extendidas. They are full of lovely, friendly people. This Sunday, I believe we're looking at visiting a church in Port Arthur, Texas, which was recommended by my friends the Dixons, who I met my first summer living in Honduras while they were on a mission trip. This church, Celebration of Life Church, also has connections to Honduras--they are planning a mission trip to an orphanage that Alvin just took a Danish group to on Saturday, Didasko Orphanage in Tamara near the juvenile delinquent centers outside of the capital.
Meanwhile, we have been staying with Tim and Carla Cummings, who have been family friends of my family for years. It has been so nice to be here. While Mr. Tim has been out of town, Gabrielle and I have been spoiled with love from Mrs. Carla and have enjoyed the company of her daughter, Jenny. Before we came here, we were in Panama City Beach, Florida, at Rosemary Beach to visit their son, Chris. We had a lovely time there and loved getting to know the many young people living in the beach house and working at the beach this summer. Chris was such a gentleman and so generous after so many years of not seeing him (although we grew up together when both of our families lived in West Virginia) that I hardly knew what to do to repay his kindness. Rosemary Beach is a beautiful, little community with cobblestone streets and little shops. The beach is gorgeous with turquoise water and white sand. Gabrielle and I felt so blessed that God allowed us to be there to enjoy His creation. Our time in Starkville has been so restful and encouraging. In the short time that we've been here, Mrs. Carla has been able to pour lots of motherly wisdom into both of us, and it has been so nice to be around a woman of faith who is obviously so in love with God.
Tomorrow, we hit the road again to New Orleans. We plan to stay in a hostel there called Joe and Flo's Candlelight Hostel. While we love visiting the wonderful people we've seen so far, we also really enjoy the times when it's just the two of us. We are able to test out our independence and find our way around. It's exciting when we're able to see how God leads us and are able to know that we can truly go anywhere He shows us to go. It's been so nice how God has orchestrated our journey so far--He knows exactly what we need and He provides the time to rest, the time to be in places of encouragement, and the time to be around people with whom we can share a common love of Christ Jesus. Gabrielle and I both initially though this trip was about how we could serve and reach out to other people. While I still think that this is the case to a degree, and we both always want to be a blessing to everyone we meet, this trip has also been about teaching us to receive God's love. That task is much more difficult for me than I care to admit sometimes. I hardly know how to handle the generosity of our friends, the beauty that God provides for us to witness, or the kindness of even strangers we meet along the way.
Recently, a scripture that stood out for me in the middle of Panama City Beach in a resort where I could never have afforded to visit of my own finances and felt a bit out of place, was Luke 12:32:
Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.
I often struggle with wealth or even just receiving blessings because I feel unworthy of them. I don't really seek them, and I am always cautious of them. I think it's somewhat a result of how I was raised and also my reaction to a lot of things I heard in church growing up--lots of prosperity gospel messages. "God's about ready to bless you...God's about ready to give you that new car...that new job, etc." After seeing how people in Honduras lived, I didn't even want to be around places where that message was spoken. My desire is to be content whether I have little or much, but my underlying assumption often tends to be that God means for me to have little. Yet, I am reminded of the lesson from last summer that God showed me at an orphanage in Mexico, Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos (http://confessionsofaragamuffin.blogspot.com/2010/05/nuestros-pequenos-hermanos.html). God does indeed wish to bless His children, but He does operate with a learning curve--He asks us to be obedient in the small things first before He blesses us with something greater. And, usually, by the time we've surrendered to God and laid down our lives in obedience, we really do receive His blessings as blessings because our sense of instant gratification and entitlement is stripped away. So, I am learning to receive whatever God has for me. Often, His love overwhelms me, but I am constantly coming to the realization that I have to learn to receive love from Him if I ever want to effectively shower love onto someone else.
Lots of love,
Sarah
Meanwhile, we have been staying with Tim and Carla Cummings, who have been family friends of my family for years. It has been so nice to be here. While Mr. Tim has been out of town, Gabrielle and I have been spoiled with love from Mrs. Carla and have enjoyed the company of her daughter, Jenny. Before we came here, we were in Panama City Beach, Florida, at Rosemary Beach to visit their son, Chris. We had a lovely time there and loved getting to know the many young people living in the beach house and working at the beach this summer. Chris was such a gentleman and so generous after so many years of not seeing him (although we grew up together when both of our families lived in West Virginia) that I hardly knew what to do to repay his kindness. Rosemary Beach is a beautiful, little community with cobblestone streets and little shops. The beach is gorgeous with turquoise water and white sand. Gabrielle and I felt so blessed that God allowed us to be there to enjoy His creation. Our time in Starkville has been so restful and encouraging. In the short time that we've been here, Mrs. Carla has been able to pour lots of motherly wisdom into both of us, and it has been so nice to be around a woman of faith who is obviously so in love with God.
Tomorrow, we hit the road again to New Orleans. We plan to stay in a hostel there called Joe and Flo's Candlelight Hostel. While we love visiting the wonderful people we've seen so far, we also really enjoy the times when it's just the two of us. We are able to test out our independence and find our way around. It's exciting when we're able to see how God leads us and are able to know that we can truly go anywhere He shows us to go. It's been so nice how God has orchestrated our journey so far--He knows exactly what we need and He provides the time to rest, the time to be in places of encouragement, and the time to be around people with whom we can share a common love of Christ Jesus. Gabrielle and I both initially though this trip was about how we could serve and reach out to other people. While I still think that this is the case to a degree, and we both always want to be a blessing to everyone we meet, this trip has also been about teaching us to receive God's love. That task is much more difficult for me than I care to admit sometimes. I hardly know how to handle the generosity of our friends, the beauty that God provides for us to witness, or the kindness of even strangers we meet along the way.
Recently, a scripture that stood out for me in the middle of Panama City Beach in a resort where I could never have afforded to visit of my own finances and felt a bit out of place, was Luke 12:32:
Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.
I often struggle with wealth or even just receiving blessings because I feel unworthy of them. I don't really seek them, and I am always cautious of them. I think it's somewhat a result of how I was raised and also my reaction to a lot of things I heard in church growing up--lots of prosperity gospel messages. "God's about ready to bless you...God's about ready to give you that new car...that new job, etc." After seeing how people in Honduras lived, I didn't even want to be around places where that message was spoken. My desire is to be content whether I have little or much, but my underlying assumption often tends to be that God means for me to have little. Yet, I am reminded of the lesson from last summer that God showed me at an orphanage in Mexico, Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos (http://confessionsofaragamuffin.blogspot.com/2010/05/nuestros-pequenos-hermanos.html). God does indeed wish to bless His children, but He does operate with a learning curve--He asks us to be obedient in the small things first before He blesses us with something greater. And, usually, by the time we've surrendered to God and laid down our lives in obedience, we really do receive His blessings as blessings because our sense of instant gratification and entitlement is stripped away. So, I am learning to receive whatever God has for me. Often, His love overwhelms me, but I am constantly coming to the realization that I have to learn to receive love from Him if I ever want to effectively shower love onto someone else.
Lots of love,
Sarah
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thoughts from Vero Beach
Hola de Florida!
Right now, Gabrielle and I are in Vero Beach, Florida, staying with our friends Melvin and Micayla Mondragon. It's the first time I've ever seen any of them in the US because I met them both in Honduras. Melvin is Honduran, and Micayla is from here. We arrived in the evening last night and had the wonderful opportunity of hanging out with their youth group. They're a cool group of kids. Today, we're kind of playing catch up. We both keep journals as we travel, but sometimes, it's so hard to keep track of everything we're experiencing. We both loved Savannah, Georgia. We camped at Skidaway Island State Park and had a wonderful time going to the beach on Tybee Island and walking around downtown Savannah. It is a truly beautiful area, and we've met some very special, friendly people along the way. We discovered our first car casualty while camping--our left headlight was out, but we now have it replaced. Today, we're going to try to get our oil changed--we've already put close to 2,000 miles on my car, Wendy.
I love being here with Melvin and Micayla because it's the closest I've felt to home--Honduras--since the last time I was there in January. I find myself thinking in Spanish more often, and Gabrielle laughs at me because I just have a stupid grin on my face that won't go away. Honduras has that effect on me. I can't even contain myself. Hearing Melvin tell stories about Honduras and recount things from my adopted home just fills my heart with so much warmth and joy. I adore that place and those people, and I forget what a number it does on me to be around it until I am once again exposed to some elements of home. It's unspeakable. I love it there so much even though I know that moving is going to be an adjustment with its own set of difficulties.
I decided a long time ago that if I am going to be a missionary, I want to live like the people live. I want to sleep where they sleep, eat what they eat, and suffer alongside them. I have learned that human beings limit themselves. Sometimes, when I mention to people that I am moving to Honduras, their response is, "I could never do that." And while I respect their response and their beliefs, I am also rather confused by that answer. I have always been the kind of person who likes a challenge, and when I see someone doing something that seems unbelievable and very difficult, my response has increasingly become, "If he or she can do it, I can do it." We are all human beings. While we come from different backgrounds, we have the same genetic make-up more or less. Thus, to me, there is no reason that I can't do something that someone else can do. I don't want to limit myself or limit God by building walls of what I can and cannot do. I can remember being little and saying to my dad, "I can't" whenever I was attempting something and having trouble. I am so grateful for the way that he responded because he would always reprimand me, "Sarah, don't say that you can't do something. You can do it." And often, he'd remind me of Philippians 4:13. God often asks us to do things that we, in our own strength, cannot do, but that's the point--He doesn't mean for us to do it in our own strength. He means for us to have to rely on Him.
I shy away from the attitude that I can't do something, especially as a missionary, because I feel like if I say that when I'm living amid people that live in poverty or suffering or whatever, that I am actually saying that I'm somehow better than that lifestyle, more deserving of a better or easier lifestyle. That's simply not the case. Yes, I was born in the US in relative wealth and comfort, but I could have been born anywhere. I had no control over where I was born and did nothing to merit where I was born or how I have lived thus far. I don't have to have running water or electricity; lots of people in the world live without those things. A lot of people ask me, "What are you going to do in Honduras if you get sick? What are you going to do if you stay down there and get married and have kids? How will you raise kids there? How are you going to be safe? How are you going to live or find the things you need?" To be honest, I almost never think of those things. Most people would consider that lack of thought to be naive carelessness, but the truth is that I look at my friends, like Roy, and I figure if he is 25 and has lived in Honduras his entire life, and he is still living, is healthy, is literate, is very intelligent, etc., I will be fine. My kids (if I have any) will be fine. Sure, I may not live in convenience and comfort like gringos, but I want to be like Paul--content whether I have little or much. God always provides. He's always faithful.
Right now, I am reading The Importance of Being Foolish by Brennan Manning, and in the introduction, I read a passage that warmed my heart and echoed my desire to be a missionary and a specific kind of missionary:
Our rapport with the villagers was profound because we shared not only their poverty, toil, bitter bread, and anxiety over the harvest but the joy of a newborn baby, the nuptial bliss of newlyweds, and the multitude of lesser experiences woven into the warp and woof of rural peasant life.
I think sometimes when missionaries do not live like the people they are trying to reach, they unknowingly send the message that God is synonymous with financial prosperity. Rather than seeing the Jesus who meets you where you are and holds your hand in the midst of your struggles, people often see the things that you have, the car that you drive, the rich food that you eat, the fancy clothes you wear, the safe neighborhood you live in, or the comforts you have in your home and believe that those things are the answer. They begin to expect those things when they become Christians, and when they do not receive a steady stream of financial blessings or wealth, they may begin to believe that God loves them less or that they're doing something wrong. But financial prosperity is not the Gospel. God doesn't seek for us to have wealth and glory. He is concerned about bringing Himself glory. He calls us to depend on Him and to be content whether we have little or much. One of the things that I love about Alvin and noticed very early was how he truly lives like the people to whom he ministers. He's willing to go into their rough neighborhoods, and he doesn't live in a gated community, separate from impoverished Hondurans. I think sometimes when teams come down on short-term trips, they forget how the way was paved for them. In other words, they are able to go and do street ministry (as white gringos) and hang out with gang members in juvenile delinquent centers because someone already paved the way for them. Alvin did that, but he is also a gringo. He had to be willing to go where no one else was willing to go--to the most dangerous spots, to the unlovely, to the poorest of the poor, to the rival gang territories. He had to be willing to sit with the poor, hear their stories, and learn from them. He had to have the bravery to do those things, and the rewards and effects have been magnificent. But there is always more work to do, more unreached people, more untouchables to love, and I want to be brave enough to go wherever God leads me to go. I don't want to selfishly or cowardly refuse God.
So, today, I leave you with a sobering call that should never be sugarcoated:
Luke 14:26:
If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his [own] father and mother [in the sense of indifference to or relative disregard for them in comparison with his attitude toward God] and [likewise] his wife and children and brothers and sisters --[yes] and even his own life also--he cannot be My disciple.
You can do it--whatever it is that He is laying on your heart to do--and maybe you're in the place where you need to take the time to ask Him what it is that He would have you do. You may have to wait, but He will answer you when you're asking diligently and with faith. Don't fence yourself in with what you think you can or cannot do. Remember Philippians 4:13. Trust and obey. It's just that simple.
With love,
Sarah
Right now, Gabrielle and I are in Vero Beach, Florida, staying with our friends Melvin and Micayla Mondragon. It's the first time I've ever seen any of them in the US because I met them both in Honduras. Melvin is Honduran, and Micayla is from here. We arrived in the evening last night and had the wonderful opportunity of hanging out with their youth group. They're a cool group of kids. Today, we're kind of playing catch up. We both keep journals as we travel, but sometimes, it's so hard to keep track of everything we're experiencing. We both loved Savannah, Georgia. We camped at Skidaway Island State Park and had a wonderful time going to the beach on Tybee Island and walking around downtown Savannah. It is a truly beautiful area, and we've met some very special, friendly people along the way. We discovered our first car casualty while camping--our left headlight was out, but we now have it replaced. Today, we're going to try to get our oil changed--we've already put close to 2,000 miles on my car, Wendy.
I love being here with Melvin and Micayla because it's the closest I've felt to home--Honduras--since the last time I was there in January. I find myself thinking in Spanish more often, and Gabrielle laughs at me because I just have a stupid grin on my face that won't go away. Honduras has that effect on me. I can't even contain myself. Hearing Melvin tell stories about Honduras and recount things from my adopted home just fills my heart with so much warmth and joy. I adore that place and those people, and I forget what a number it does on me to be around it until I am once again exposed to some elements of home. It's unspeakable. I love it there so much even though I know that moving is going to be an adjustment with its own set of difficulties.
I decided a long time ago that if I am going to be a missionary, I want to live like the people live. I want to sleep where they sleep, eat what they eat, and suffer alongside them. I have learned that human beings limit themselves. Sometimes, when I mention to people that I am moving to Honduras, their response is, "I could never do that." And while I respect their response and their beliefs, I am also rather confused by that answer. I have always been the kind of person who likes a challenge, and when I see someone doing something that seems unbelievable and very difficult, my response has increasingly become, "If he or she can do it, I can do it." We are all human beings. While we come from different backgrounds, we have the same genetic make-up more or less. Thus, to me, there is no reason that I can't do something that someone else can do. I don't want to limit myself or limit God by building walls of what I can and cannot do. I can remember being little and saying to my dad, "I can't" whenever I was attempting something and having trouble. I am so grateful for the way that he responded because he would always reprimand me, "Sarah, don't say that you can't do something. You can do it." And often, he'd remind me of Philippians 4:13. God often asks us to do things that we, in our own strength, cannot do, but that's the point--He doesn't mean for us to do it in our own strength. He means for us to have to rely on Him.
I shy away from the attitude that I can't do something, especially as a missionary, because I feel like if I say that when I'm living amid people that live in poverty or suffering or whatever, that I am actually saying that I'm somehow better than that lifestyle, more deserving of a better or easier lifestyle. That's simply not the case. Yes, I was born in the US in relative wealth and comfort, but I could have been born anywhere. I had no control over where I was born and did nothing to merit where I was born or how I have lived thus far. I don't have to have running water or electricity; lots of people in the world live without those things. A lot of people ask me, "What are you going to do in Honduras if you get sick? What are you going to do if you stay down there and get married and have kids? How will you raise kids there? How are you going to be safe? How are you going to live or find the things you need?" To be honest, I almost never think of those things. Most people would consider that lack of thought to be naive carelessness, but the truth is that I look at my friends, like Roy, and I figure if he is 25 and has lived in Honduras his entire life, and he is still living, is healthy, is literate, is very intelligent, etc., I will be fine. My kids (if I have any) will be fine. Sure, I may not live in convenience and comfort like gringos, but I want to be like Paul--content whether I have little or much. God always provides. He's always faithful.
Right now, I am reading The Importance of Being Foolish by Brennan Manning, and in the introduction, I read a passage that warmed my heart and echoed my desire to be a missionary and a specific kind of missionary:
Our rapport with the villagers was profound because we shared not only their poverty, toil, bitter bread, and anxiety over the harvest but the joy of a newborn baby, the nuptial bliss of newlyweds, and the multitude of lesser experiences woven into the warp and woof of rural peasant life.
I think sometimes when missionaries do not live like the people they are trying to reach, they unknowingly send the message that God is synonymous with financial prosperity. Rather than seeing the Jesus who meets you where you are and holds your hand in the midst of your struggles, people often see the things that you have, the car that you drive, the rich food that you eat, the fancy clothes you wear, the safe neighborhood you live in, or the comforts you have in your home and believe that those things are the answer. They begin to expect those things when they become Christians, and when they do not receive a steady stream of financial blessings or wealth, they may begin to believe that God loves them less or that they're doing something wrong. But financial prosperity is not the Gospel. God doesn't seek for us to have wealth and glory. He is concerned about bringing Himself glory. He calls us to depend on Him and to be content whether we have little or much. One of the things that I love about Alvin and noticed very early was how he truly lives like the people to whom he ministers. He's willing to go into their rough neighborhoods, and he doesn't live in a gated community, separate from impoverished Hondurans. I think sometimes when teams come down on short-term trips, they forget how the way was paved for them. In other words, they are able to go and do street ministry (as white gringos) and hang out with gang members in juvenile delinquent centers because someone already paved the way for them. Alvin did that, but he is also a gringo. He had to be willing to go where no one else was willing to go--to the most dangerous spots, to the unlovely, to the poorest of the poor, to the rival gang territories. He had to be willing to sit with the poor, hear their stories, and learn from them. He had to have the bravery to do those things, and the rewards and effects have been magnificent. But there is always more work to do, more unreached people, more untouchables to love, and I want to be brave enough to go wherever God leads me to go. I don't want to selfishly or cowardly refuse God.
So, today, I leave you with a sobering call that should never be sugarcoated:
Luke 14:26:
If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his [own] father and mother [in the sense of indifference to or relative disregard for them in comparison with his attitude toward God] and [likewise] his wife and children and brothers and sisters --[yes] and even his own life also--he cannot be My disciple.
You can do it--whatever it is that He is laying on your heart to do--and maybe you're in the place where you need to take the time to ask Him what it is that He would have you do. You may have to wait, but He will answer you when you're asking diligently and with faith. Don't fence yourself in with what you think you can or cannot do. Remember Philippians 4:13. Trust and obey. It's just that simple.
With love,
Sarah
Monday, June 6, 2011
Savannah
Hello All,
Well, we made a last minute change of plans yesterday partly on account of rain and decided to stay at Beth's one more night which was enjoyable. Today we headed to Charleston, South Carolina for the afternoon, and now we have made camp in Skidaway Island State Park near Savannah, Georgia. All is well, and we are enjoying our adventures. More to come soon!
Love,
Sarah
Well, we made a last minute change of plans yesterday partly on account of rain and decided to stay at Beth's one more night which was enjoyable. Today we headed to Charleston, South Carolina for the afternoon, and now we have made camp in Skidaway Island State Park near Savannah, Georgia. All is well, and we are enjoying our adventures. More to come soon!
Love,
Sarah
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Waterfalls
Turtleback Falls Rainbow Falls
(Photos courtesy of Romanticasheville.com)
(Photos courtesy of Romanticasheville.com)
Hey from Rock Hill, South Carolina, ya'll! We have spent the weekend with my dear friend Beth, and it has been amazing. Even just the way that Beth and I met makes my heart smile. The first summer I was in Honduras, she came with a team from her church, and we immediately hit it off and have kept in contact since then. She has been such an encouragement to me in the two years I've known her, and she has the sweetest spirit. She is the kind of person who is so comfortable with who she is that she puts everyone at ease. I love how easy it is to be real with Beth. I was also so blessed by the welcome she gave us along with her parents and fiancé (who I also met in Honduras previously). We instantly felt like family which is exactly how I love to feel in anyone's home. Yesterday we went to Hendersonville, North Carolina and had lunch and enjoyed the lovely, artsy town. We ate the best sushi I've had in my life and topped it off with ice cream. Gabrielle and I had talked earlier about how we wanted yesterday to be kind of a date with God, and so it was. It was such a blessed day with beautiful weather and sweet wonders everywhere we went. After Hendersonville, we headed to Gorges State Park to play in some amazing waterfalls. I have come to absolutely love waterfalls especially since it seems that I encounter them frequently in my travels starting with Pulhapanzak Falls in Honduras and continuing with Dunns River Falls in Jamaica. When things reoccur in my life, I tend to think that these themes are leading me to some kind of a God-given lesson. So, yesterday, I started asking God what the lesson was in the waterfalls.
After a nice hike to Turtleback Falls, we were able to head into the cold water with slippery rocks to scale the rock up to the falls using a rope tied to a tree. After reaching the top, it's possible to slide down the slippery rocks of the waterfall just like a natural waterslide into the pool below. It is such great fun, and if you ever have the chance to visit, you should! After sliding down Turtleback Falls, we headed to Rainbow Falls originally with the intention of jumping off of a big rock into the water near the bottom of the falls, but after much adventurous climbing, we never really found a route to the big rock. It was enjoyable anyway, though, to just stand at the foot of the falls feeling the thunderous breath of God sweeping from the pressure of the water. It was so beautiful.
As I was climbing up Turtleback, I felt like I received the answer about the lesson in the waterfalls--just in two simple words, blind faith. In every waterfall I've interacted with, there has been an element of blind faith--be it climbing when there is nothing but a dark hole above me or feeling my way around slippery rocks I cannot see. There has also always been some element of teamwork and trust with other people--usually it's necessary to hold hands with someone else to withstand a current or to extend a helping hand in climbing. I think my experiences with waterfalls are good reflections of a Christian life. It is absolutely necessary to take risks in order to experience the rewards of the kingdom. I wouldn't trade my waterfall experiences for anything simply because they have challenged me and boosted my faith in small measures. I also wouldn't trade the togetherness of sharing those experiences with someone else, depending on others.
I think the water of waterfalls also reflects the kind of power that God wants His church to have. Waterfalls have immense power--when the water is unified, it can erode away the hardest of rocks over time. The water in waterfalls merely fulfills its God-given purpose and follows the course of gravity. There are time when that water is gushing forward with immense pressure and others when it collects in restful pools. But, one thing is for certain--the water is always moving. His church should always be moving as well.
Today, we went to Tirzah ARP Church with Beth and her fiancé, Chris. It was nice to meet a few people who share my connection with Honduras and who know the people that I know there. It also blessed my heart to hear the needs of Manos Extendidas shared with the congregation. The message all throughout the service echoed God's lessons yesterday of faith and trusting God even when we can't see. Through various outlets, I felt confidently that God does intend for us to leave today and that we are merely to listen as we go for our next destination. I have no idea where it is right now. But, I trust Him.
I have so greatly enjoyed my time with Beth, Chris, Beth's parents, and Chris' kids. The warmth of their hearts was such a display of Christ's love that I feel so close to all of them. Their generosity and sweetness of spirit has blessed me more than I can express. I pray that God would grant each one of them more of Himself and that He'd be in the midst always.
Until next time,
Sarah (or Cricket, as Beth calls me)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
In This Moment
Greetings from Sneads Ferry, North Carolina! Gabrielle and I have now been here for a couple of days visiting our great aunt. It's kind of a full-circle experience for me because this is where I spent the summer after I graduated from high school. I worked at Rick's Restaurant as a bus girl and walked on the beach after work. It was a great experience although at times a lonely one. It gave me the extra shot of independence I needed before I went off to college. Now, four years later, I'm done with college and am preparing to move to Honduras. I can't help but believe that this road trip is the extra shot of independence that I need before I move to Honduras as well.
We've had a smooth trip thus far although this is really only our first stop. With only being a couple days into our adventure, I am already painfully recognizing my lingering tendency to be a control freak. As much as I want to be a very laid-back person (and can be outwardly a lot of the time), it is sometimes such a struggle with my brain to slow down, calm down, and be still in this moment. I am learning to constantly remind myself to let things go. As I told my dad before I left, it's a bit of a game I play with myself--the objective is to see how much I can let go. Sometimes, I win. Others, I don't.
Everything I'm reading currently--Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot, My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, and The Importance of Being Foolish by Brennan Manning--all carry the same themes. This is no accident, I'm sure, and is fairly normal within my life. It's one of the ways that God leads me to new lessons, by making everything in my life congruent. I think some of the impending lessons of this trip will be recognizing the areas of my life (however large or small) that still need surrendered to God, learning to meditate on God and live in the moment instead of always responding with that left-brain mentality of "what should I be doing," and dependency, dependency, dependency. It is starting to hit me now that there will be times on this trip where we won't know where we're staying the next day, who we will meet, or what God intends. But shouldn't this be the case for every day?
Our first day here I read a short chapter in Keep a Quiet Heart called, "Interruptions, Delays, Inconveniences" that was eye-opening and convicting. I'd like to share some parts of it with you:
Elisabeth Elliot refers to Emily Judson, the wife of foreign missionary Adoniram Judson. In the midst of lots of seemingly trivial activities and the frustration of thinking that she couldn't always begin what she felt was her real work, Emily remembered the importance of each small task. Using Emily's own words, Elisabeth Elliot says: She was ambitious for "higher and better things," but was enabled to learn that "the person who would do great things well must practice daily on little ones; and she who would have the assistance of the Almighty in important acts, must be daily and hourly accustomed to consult His will in the minor affairs of life" (139). Next, Elisabeth Elliot talks of another missionary, James O. Fraser, who was also frustrated with inconveniences and with all of the tasks that seemed to steal time from what he felt was his underlying mission:
I am finding that it is a mistake to plan to get through a certain amount of work in a certain time. It ends in disappointment, besides not being the right way to go about it, in my judgment. It makes one impatient of interruptions and delay. Just as you are nearly finishing--somebody comes along to sit with you and have a chat! You might hardly think it possible to be impatient and put out where there is such an opportunity for presenting the Gospel--but it is. . . . the visitor has to be welcomed, and I think it is well to cultivate an attitude of mind which will enable one to welcome him from the heart and at any time. "No admittance except on business" scarcely shows a true missionary spirit. (139-140).
This approach to work is so revolutionary to me. I am such a goal-oriented person that the idea of not forming some kind of loose agenda in my head of how much work I want to accomplish in a day is so foreign to me. But, why are those time goals so necessary anyway? Sometimes the planning of how and when takes up time that could have been used for work! In the time that Roy and I have been friends, I have always admired his ability to stop for people everywhere he goes. He's naturally much more outgoing than I am, but he usually makes it a point to make every single person he comes in contact with feel like the most special person in the world regardless of how much work he needs to do. I want to have that quality as well.
I am always amazed by the stillness of summers for me. This may be my last one, and yet, I am still so struck by how difficult I find it to not be productive. When I don't have work to do, I make work for myself because I struggle so much with being still. This was also the case in Mexico last summer. But, the truth of the matter is that God calls us to be still and know that He is God. This is a vital lesson for me to learn before I move to Honduras.
Elisabeth Elliot's chapter continues with a quotation from The Life and Letters of Janet Erskine Stuart:
She delighted in seeing her plan upset by unexpected events, saying that it gave her great comfort, and that she looked on such things as an assurance that God was watching over her stewardship, was securing the accomplishment of His will, and working out His own designs. . . . she was joyfully and graciously ready to recognize the indication of God's ruling hand, and to allow herself to be guided by it.
That sentiment is so beautiful. I want to see life's "inconveniences" as God's divine work and truly be grateful for them. I don't want to miss the complexities of God's pen in writing my life simply because they throw off my expectations. Elisabeth Elliot wrote in Discipline: The Glad Surrender:
A missionary must be humble enough to be flexible (93-94). I absolutely believe this to be true and have experienced this in various measures in Honduras. I am coming to believe that being a missionary is less about the work and how it all gets done and more about the heart of one's reactions to when life happens and the opportunities one chooses to see and seize in the midst of inconveniences or thwarted plans.
Jim Elliot once said, Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God. That is my desire in this road trip. I don't want to dwell on the past. I don't want to forecast the future. I want to learn how to live a life in wonder of this moment, completely dependent on the God who created it.
With Love,
Sarah
We've had a smooth trip thus far although this is really only our first stop. With only being a couple days into our adventure, I am already painfully recognizing my lingering tendency to be a control freak. As much as I want to be a very laid-back person (and can be outwardly a lot of the time), it is sometimes such a struggle with my brain to slow down, calm down, and be still in this moment. I am learning to constantly remind myself to let things go. As I told my dad before I left, it's a bit of a game I play with myself--the objective is to see how much I can let go. Sometimes, I win. Others, I don't.
Everything I'm reading currently--Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot, My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, and The Importance of Being Foolish by Brennan Manning--all carry the same themes. This is no accident, I'm sure, and is fairly normal within my life. It's one of the ways that God leads me to new lessons, by making everything in my life congruent. I think some of the impending lessons of this trip will be recognizing the areas of my life (however large or small) that still need surrendered to God, learning to meditate on God and live in the moment instead of always responding with that left-brain mentality of "what should I be doing," and dependency, dependency, dependency. It is starting to hit me now that there will be times on this trip where we won't know where we're staying the next day, who we will meet, or what God intends. But shouldn't this be the case for every day?
Our first day here I read a short chapter in Keep a Quiet Heart called, "Interruptions, Delays, Inconveniences" that was eye-opening and convicting. I'd like to share some parts of it with you:
Elisabeth Elliot refers to Emily Judson, the wife of foreign missionary Adoniram Judson. In the midst of lots of seemingly trivial activities and the frustration of thinking that she couldn't always begin what she felt was her real work, Emily remembered the importance of each small task. Using Emily's own words, Elisabeth Elliot says: She was ambitious for "higher and better things," but was enabled to learn that "the person who would do great things well must practice daily on little ones; and she who would have the assistance of the Almighty in important acts, must be daily and hourly accustomed to consult His will in the minor affairs of life" (139). Next, Elisabeth Elliot talks of another missionary, James O. Fraser, who was also frustrated with inconveniences and with all of the tasks that seemed to steal time from what he felt was his underlying mission:
I am finding that it is a mistake to plan to get through a certain amount of work in a certain time. It ends in disappointment, besides not being the right way to go about it, in my judgment. It makes one impatient of interruptions and delay. Just as you are nearly finishing--somebody comes along to sit with you and have a chat! You might hardly think it possible to be impatient and put out where there is such an opportunity for presenting the Gospel--but it is. . . . the visitor has to be welcomed, and I think it is well to cultivate an attitude of mind which will enable one to welcome him from the heart and at any time. "No admittance except on business" scarcely shows a true missionary spirit. (139-140).
This approach to work is so revolutionary to me. I am such a goal-oriented person that the idea of not forming some kind of loose agenda in my head of how much work I want to accomplish in a day is so foreign to me. But, why are those time goals so necessary anyway? Sometimes the planning of how and when takes up time that could have been used for work! In the time that Roy and I have been friends, I have always admired his ability to stop for people everywhere he goes. He's naturally much more outgoing than I am, but he usually makes it a point to make every single person he comes in contact with feel like the most special person in the world regardless of how much work he needs to do. I want to have that quality as well.
I am always amazed by the stillness of summers for me. This may be my last one, and yet, I am still so struck by how difficult I find it to not be productive. When I don't have work to do, I make work for myself because I struggle so much with being still. This was also the case in Mexico last summer. But, the truth of the matter is that God calls us to be still and know that He is God. This is a vital lesson for me to learn before I move to Honduras.
Elisabeth Elliot's chapter continues with a quotation from The Life and Letters of Janet Erskine Stuart:
She delighted in seeing her plan upset by unexpected events, saying that it gave her great comfort, and that she looked on such things as an assurance that God was watching over her stewardship, was securing the accomplishment of His will, and working out His own designs. . . . she was joyfully and graciously ready to recognize the indication of God's ruling hand, and to allow herself to be guided by it.
That sentiment is so beautiful. I want to see life's "inconveniences" as God's divine work and truly be grateful for them. I don't want to miss the complexities of God's pen in writing my life simply because they throw off my expectations. Elisabeth Elliot wrote in Discipline: The Glad Surrender:
A missionary must be humble enough to be flexible (93-94). I absolutely believe this to be true and have experienced this in various measures in Honduras. I am coming to believe that being a missionary is less about the work and how it all gets done and more about the heart of one's reactions to when life happens and the opportunities one chooses to see and seize in the midst of inconveniences or thwarted plans.
Jim Elliot once said, Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God. That is my desire in this road trip. I don't want to dwell on the past. I don't want to forecast the future. I want to learn how to live a life in wonder of this moment, completely dependent on the God who created it.
With Love,
Sarah
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Jacob Wrestling with God
Hello all,
A month or so ago, I was listening to a Jason Upton podcast when I caught a part where Jason says that often we think we're struggling against Satan when we're actually avoiding the cross and struggling with God. The cross is the place of being reborn. In hearing this, God reminded me of the story of Jacob wrestling God.
The story comes from Genesis 32, and it's important to look at the background. Jacob was approaching his brother Esau and wanted his mercy, so he sent some messengers to talk to him. After these messengers, Esau was approaching Jacob with 400 men. Jacob, given the past history with his brother (stealing his brother's birthright, etc.), was worried that his brother was angry. As Esau continues to approach, Jacob divides up what he owns:
Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed; and he divided the people who were with him, and the flocks and herds and camels, into two groups, thinking, if Esau comes to the one group and smites it, then the other group which is left will escape. I don't pretend to have a great understanding of Hebrew or the roots of words, but they do fascinate me. I am the kind of person who likes to reach the root of everything, constantly digging deeper. According to abarim-publications.com (http://www.abarim-publications.com/Meaning/Esau.html), the name Esau although usually accepted as meaning "hairy" on a superficial level, "to a Hebrew audience the name Esau means doer." It comes from a verb that means "to do, to fashion, to accomplish." With this information, this story takes on a different light for me.
Jacob is preparing to meet the revenge of his brother, Esau; he is fearful and anticipating death by a doer. He keeps dividing up his life in an effort to appease the doer and preserve his life. How often do we compartmentalize our lives, striving to get it all done, trying to please our inner "doer"? How often do we try to be in too many places at once and are committed to too many people? How often do we feel the stress of everything that we think we have to do or accomplish lingering over our heads like a dark cloud? What is worse is that just like Jacob, in trying to preserve ourselves and our way of a doing life, we have divided hearts. So often, it's even the task we're trying to do for God that is stealing our time and attention to God. Just like Jacob, we keep dividing and trying to conquer in order to prevent the failure, the loss of our accomplishments, and to avoid this part of ourselves dying--when that it exactly what God calls us to and exactly what we need.
The story continues:
Deliver me, I pray You, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau; for I fear him, lest he come and smite us all, the mothers with the children. And You said, I will surely do you good and make your descendants as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.
Notice that God did not say Jacob would accomplish this. He didn't say that Jacob would do good or that he would somehow make this happen. It's God's work. God's the One who said He'd do it, not Jacob.
Jacob keeps sending gifts ahead of him to meet Esau:
For he said, I will appease him with the present that goes before me, and afterward I will see his face; perhaps he will accept me.I identify with this attitude because I struggle so often with deceiving myself into thinking that I can't come to God empty-handed. My life is so little, so insignificant, that I think I have to constantly be doing something for Him. But the truth is that the gift that He wants isn't my feeble attempts to outdo Him and His work--it's my life. He just wants my life. And the truth is that He always accepts me and you and everyone regardless of how small we are. So often, the one we're trying to appease isn't God, but ourselves. We are afraid of seeing His face and being in His presence without something to hide behind because we do not love ourselves or see ourselves as He does. The greatest gift we could ever give the Father is to grasp that Christ in us is enough to abide with Him.
But he rose up that [same] night and took his two wives, his two women servants, and his eleven sons and passed over the ford [of the] Jabbok. And he took them and sent them across the brook; also he sent over all that he had. Jacob prepares for fighting Esau during the night--the place of waiting, the place of painful patience. To prepare, he sends his family and everything he owns away, across the Jabbok River. Jacob is entirely alone. It is only when he is finally alone--stripped of family, security, power, and possessions--that he can encounter God.
And Jacob was left alone, and a Man wrestled him until daybreak. And when [the Man] saw that he did not prevail against [Jacob], He touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob's thigh was put out of joint as he wrestled with Him. It's interesting that Jacob had just been steeped in fear of Esau, yet he now fights with all he has.
The He said, Let Me go, for day is breaking. But Jacob said, I will not let You go unless You declare a blessing upon me.
Daybreak in this case could mean a new birth; he's alerting Jacob that he's about to be reborn. It's also been argued that if Jacob were to see God in the light of day, he'd die, for no one can see God's face and live. God was trying to spare Jacob's life, but Jacob demands more--a blessing. The Man doesn't refuse because when does God refuse those who earnestly ask for more of Him?
[The Man] asked him, What is your name? And [in shock of realization, whispering] he said, Jacob [supplanter, schemer, trickster, swindler]! This is the exact same question that Isaac asks Jacob when Jacob is stealing Esau's birthright. Jacob, in that moment with Isaac, calls himself Esau, "doer," trying to deceive his father so that he could receive a blessing. But when the Man (God) asks Jacob what his name is, he is finally truthful with himself and God--he's already been stripped of everything in his life--and says his name is Jacob. In that moment of confession, he realizes that his name is appropriate, that he is a trickster. He has tried to deceive himself, God, and others that he could do it all. Now, he has to acknowledge that he can't trick God into blessing him. The message in all of this is clear to me. Who do we think we're kidding when we try to do it all? God is not capable of loving us any more because of what we do. He already loves us enough. Our works do not win His approval. He already approves of us. He made us. How desolate is a life that tries to trick God into giving a blessing...as if He were some kind of a slot machine? We have to reach an honest place where we are no longer trying to trick others, ourselves, or God with our works. God already knows we can nothing of eternal value on our own, and He won't bless the work we do outside of His will, His yoke--because He is interested in bringing Himself glory and not us.
And He said, Your name shall be called no more Jacob [supplanter], but Israel [contender with God]; for you have contended and have power with God and with men and have prevailed. According to the aforementioned website, (http://www.abarim-publications.com/Meaning/Israel.html), Israel in deeper etymology means "God strives." What a volume that should speak to us! God takes a deceitful trickster of a man who once tried to portray himself as an Esau, a "doer," and renames him "God strives." He takes the burden of doing and making himself someone and hiding behind his gifts and replaces it with the assurance that He's the one doing. He's the one working on Jacob's (now Israel's) behalf. But this supernatural name change could only come about after Jacob had finally confessed his weakness and who he really was to God.
Then Jacob asked Him, Tell me, I pray You, what [in contrast] is Your name? But He said, Why is it that you ask My name? And [the Angel of God declared] a blessing on [Jacob] there. And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel [the face of God], saying, For I have seen God face to face, and my life is spared and not snatched away. By this time, it is daybreak, and he has a new name and is reborn. I think contending with God and man represents contending with man-pleasing and letting God deal with him. He pursued God for more (insisting on the blessing) and got it. He defeats the doer and the trickster to become a true prince of God.
And as he passed Penuel [Peniel], the sun rose upon him, and he was limping because of his thigh. According to the exegesis, "An Exegetical Analysis of Genesis 32:22-32" by Philip Higley (2004) of Northwest University, "the contrast of having a new name (Israel) and a new limp is also important because the new name of Israel will last forever while his new limp will forever remind him that God has complete control over him." (http://eagle.northwestu.edu/academic/ministry/faculty/bstallman/BibInterp/Fame/04FA-ex/c1_Higley.pdf)
If you start reading the chapter after this story, he meets up with Esau who accepts him happily. Before wrestling God, Jacob was moving across the land quickly in an attempt to better manage Esau's response to him (man-pleasing), but in chapter 33, Esau is prompting Jacob to move faster, and Jacob gently refuses saying:
You know, my lord, that the children are tender and delicate and need gentle care, and the flocks and herds with young are of concern to me; for if the men should overdrive them for a single day, the whole of the flocks would die. Let my lord, I pray you, pass over before his servant; and I will lead on slowly, governed by [consideration for] the livestock that set the pace before me and the endurance of the children Jacob's behavior has changed. As usual, Esau is eager to get to work doing, but I imagine that having a God-given limp slowed down Jacob and made him empathetic to the children and the flocks. As the chapter continues, Jacob does travel slowly, but he stops and takes the time to build an altar and worship God.
I draw several general conclusions from this study:
1) God does not call us to be the doers. He calls us to contend with Him, making our petitions known and spending time in His presence on behalf of others. He is the One to be doing His work for His glory, not ours.
2) To be reborn, we have to come to terms with the ways that we may be trying to hide behind our works and be willing to confess that we can't do it all. We have to be willing to be stripped of everything--home, family, possessions, wealth, and even our name and who we think we are or are supposed to be.
3) At the root of our doing and compartmentalized, divided heart living is man-pleasing--even if the only humans we're pleasing are ourselves.
4) We need God to knock us out of joint. We need to have the "handicap" (in the world's eyes) of insatiable hunger for God above all else. Then He can set us in the appropriate pace for His kingdom.
I also take away many personal lessons from this story. While it may seem odd, my biggest fear in moving to Honduras is not the culture or the language. It's not the lack of comfortable conveniences. It's not even leaving home and family (although I know that will be difficult). My biggest fear is that I might lose sight of God, becoming too busy doing things for Him that I forget to spend time with Him. The need is so intensely great in Honduras, and the lifestyle of the ministry is so fast-paced. And as I have demonstrated time and time again, I have such a weakness in trying to do it all, in being a workaholic. I am known for compromising sleep and health and sanity for work, and as my dear friends, Anthony and Gabrielle, have quietly been teaching me in accordance with the Word, resting is Biblical. Rest to me means abiding with Him in all moments of the day. It means taking on His yoke ONLY and surrendering my own and even the yokes that others would like to put on me. It means spending time in worship with Him. My struggle with this fear--especially that I am inadequate and that I will fall into this trap yet again once I move--comes in waves. Yesterday was one of them, but I found comfort in an excerpt from Elisabeth Elliot's book Keep a Quiet Heart:
...our insignificance does not matter at all, we do not come to the Father in our own name but in the Name of His beloved Son. His ear is always open to that Name. Of this we can be certain. ... he [Satan] is much more afraid of our prayer than our work.
This past week (and month really) has been a busy one in Honduras, and from talking to Roy and hearing a voicemail from Papí Alvin, I know that there has been much recent heartache. I can hear the stress and exhaustion in both of their voices, and while I'm not there yet, I feel the burdens they carry. It's a heaviness that weighs on me so much that I just cry and beg God to show me what to do to ease it. And He always leads me to extensive prayer, and given the excerpt above, it is no wonder why. (The scriptures Elisabeth Elliot lists in that chapter of Isaiah 40, Psalm 27:8, Isaiah 45:19, 1 John 5:14-15, and Philippians 4:6-7 were also great encouragements.)
I particularly love the last part of what God showed me in that story of Jacob. Last night, on a whim, I took a couple of spiritual gifting-type assessments online just out of curiosity. Shepherding and showing mercy were top attributes for me on all of them. In wanting to be a missionary, I sometimes forget how I don't really fit the stereotypical idea of a missionary. I'm not much of a preacher and am fairly soft-spoken although public speaking doesn't frighten me. Just as I mentioned before, I am the kind of person who is constantly digging for the root--of a problem, of a person, of a passage, of God's purposes. Thus, while I love Jesus dearly, my means of sharing Him is often not through going up to strangers and giving a standard run-down of the Gospel. I think every person is different and receives Jesus differently. Therefore, it takes me so much longer to verbally share Jesus with others because I am so relationship-oriented. I want to share in people's struggle and life story before I spout off about what I think they need to do with their lives. Growing up in church, I always kind of felt like a failure because I'm not a big "soul winner" in the conventional meaning of the Christianese concept. I just seek to love as Jesus does. Sometimes, that means being direct and verbal about the Gospel, but often, it does not. Being out of church for this long has taught me that it truly does take all kinds, that God works through people differently even if it doesn't lead to immediate, tangible results or numbers.
Last night, after reading the results of those spiritual gifting assessments (which weren't surprising to me), I found myself asking God how I can be an "effective" missionary when my means of reaching out to others isn't preaching and immediate results evangelism. It's slow--it's showing mercy and coming alongside people in the midst of what they're feeling and dealing with and encouraging them. It's seed planting which means I exit from various groups of people and phases of life wondering if my love ever impacted anyone because the fruit isn't immediate usually. The truth is that I may never see it. I find a lot of encouragement in Jacob's "slowness" in chapter 33. Discipleship has always been very close to my heart. The western church seems to put so much emphasis on numbers and praying the salvation prayer, that it seems to forget that people keep existing and dealing with everyday life after they pray that happy, little, repeat-after-me prayer. We tend to hound people to "get involved" and take on a role or position in the church hierarchy so they can reach more and more numbers and "find their niche" without stopping to consider if they've had a chance to fall in love with Jesus, without leading them to depth in their relationship with Christ. And then we wonder why the church looks good superficially with lots of leaders and flash but behind closed doors is falling apart in sin. There's no depth.
You know, my lord, that the children are tender and delicate and need gentle care, and the flocks and herds with young are of concern to me; for if the men should overdrive them for a single day, the whole of the flocks would die. Let my lord, I pray you, pass over before his servant; and I will lead on slowly, governed by [consideration for] the livestock that set the pace before me and the endurance of the children
I think this passage is God's answer to my question, His purpose for my life. It does take all kinds, and my heart is with the children--the children of age but also the children in spiritual maturity as well. I don't want to see the church in Honduras or the US or anywhere overdriving the children. I want them to be able to reach spiritual maturity, and my heart is to come alongside them to help make that possible according to how God sees fit. I don't want flocks to die because their relationships with God don't have depth yet. While I can't pretend that I know what this looks like in a practical sense, I want to be willing to be a voice of slowing, even if that means I look weird to other believers, even if that means I seem lazy or unfruitful. I want to be obedient to the Father in setting an example of resting in Him--which means not filling every second of my time with something to "do" for Him. It means taking the time to soak in the sweetness of His presence, letting Him fill me so that it is truly His presence and love that overflows onto others.
With love and resting,
Sarah
A month or so ago, I was listening to a Jason Upton podcast when I caught a part where Jason says that often we think we're struggling against Satan when we're actually avoiding the cross and struggling with God. The cross is the place of being reborn. In hearing this, God reminded me of the story of Jacob wrestling God.
The story comes from Genesis 32, and it's important to look at the background. Jacob was approaching his brother Esau and wanted his mercy, so he sent some messengers to talk to him. After these messengers, Esau was approaching Jacob with 400 men. Jacob, given the past history with his brother (stealing his brother's birthright, etc.), was worried that his brother was angry. As Esau continues to approach, Jacob divides up what he owns:
Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed; and he divided the people who were with him, and the flocks and herds and camels, into two groups, thinking, if Esau comes to the one group and smites it, then the other group which is left will escape. I don't pretend to have a great understanding of Hebrew or the roots of words, but they do fascinate me. I am the kind of person who likes to reach the root of everything, constantly digging deeper. According to abarim-publications.com (http://www.abarim-publications.com/Meaning/Esau.html), the name Esau although usually accepted as meaning "hairy" on a superficial level, "to a Hebrew audience the name Esau means doer." It comes from a verb that means "to do, to fashion, to accomplish." With this information, this story takes on a different light for me.
Jacob is preparing to meet the revenge of his brother, Esau; he is fearful and anticipating death by a doer. He keeps dividing up his life in an effort to appease the doer and preserve his life. How often do we compartmentalize our lives, striving to get it all done, trying to please our inner "doer"? How often do we try to be in too many places at once and are committed to too many people? How often do we feel the stress of everything that we think we have to do or accomplish lingering over our heads like a dark cloud? What is worse is that just like Jacob, in trying to preserve ourselves and our way of a doing life, we have divided hearts. So often, it's even the task we're trying to do for God that is stealing our time and attention to God. Just like Jacob, we keep dividing and trying to conquer in order to prevent the failure, the loss of our accomplishments, and to avoid this part of ourselves dying--when that it exactly what God calls us to and exactly what we need.
The story continues:
Deliver me, I pray You, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau; for I fear him, lest he come and smite us all, the mothers with the children. And You said, I will surely do you good and make your descendants as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.
Notice that God did not say Jacob would accomplish this. He didn't say that Jacob would do good or that he would somehow make this happen. It's God's work. God's the One who said He'd do it, not Jacob.
Jacob keeps sending gifts ahead of him to meet Esau:
For he said, I will appease him with the present that goes before me, and afterward I will see his face; perhaps he will accept me.I identify with this attitude because I struggle so often with deceiving myself into thinking that I can't come to God empty-handed. My life is so little, so insignificant, that I think I have to constantly be doing something for Him. But the truth is that the gift that He wants isn't my feeble attempts to outdo Him and His work--it's my life. He just wants my life. And the truth is that He always accepts me and you and everyone regardless of how small we are. So often, the one we're trying to appease isn't God, but ourselves. We are afraid of seeing His face and being in His presence without something to hide behind because we do not love ourselves or see ourselves as He does. The greatest gift we could ever give the Father is to grasp that Christ in us is enough to abide with Him.
But he rose up that [same] night and took his two wives, his two women servants, and his eleven sons and passed over the ford [of the] Jabbok. And he took them and sent them across the brook; also he sent over all that he had. Jacob prepares for fighting Esau during the night--the place of waiting, the place of painful patience. To prepare, he sends his family and everything he owns away, across the Jabbok River. Jacob is entirely alone. It is only when he is finally alone--stripped of family, security, power, and possessions--that he can encounter God.
And Jacob was left alone, and a Man wrestled him until daybreak. And when [the Man] saw that he did not prevail against [Jacob], He touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob's thigh was put out of joint as he wrestled with Him. It's interesting that Jacob had just been steeped in fear of Esau, yet he now fights with all he has.
The He said, Let Me go, for day is breaking. But Jacob said, I will not let You go unless You declare a blessing upon me.
Daybreak in this case could mean a new birth; he's alerting Jacob that he's about to be reborn. It's also been argued that if Jacob were to see God in the light of day, he'd die, for no one can see God's face and live. God was trying to spare Jacob's life, but Jacob demands more--a blessing. The Man doesn't refuse because when does God refuse those who earnestly ask for more of Him?
[The Man] asked him, What is your name? And [in shock of realization, whispering] he said, Jacob [supplanter, schemer, trickster, swindler]! This is the exact same question that Isaac asks Jacob when Jacob is stealing Esau's birthright. Jacob, in that moment with Isaac, calls himself Esau, "doer," trying to deceive his father so that he could receive a blessing. But when the Man (God) asks Jacob what his name is, he is finally truthful with himself and God--he's already been stripped of everything in his life--and says his name is Jacob. In that moment of confession, he realizes that his name is appropriate, that he is a trickster. He has tried to deceive himself, God, and others that he could do it all. Now, he has to acknowledge that he can't trick God into blessing him. The message in all of this is clear to me. Who do we think we're kidding when we try to do it all? God is not capable of loving us any more because of what we do. He already loves us enough. Our works do not win His approval. He already approves of us. He made us. How desolate is a life that tries to trick God into giving a blessing...as if He were some kind of a slot machine? We have to reach an honest place where we are no longer trying to trick others, ourselves, or God with our works. God already knows we can nothing of eternal value on our own, and He won't bless the work we do outside of His will, His yoke--because He is interested in bringing Himself glory and not us.
And He said, Your name shall be called no more Jacob [supplanter], but Israel [contender with God]; for you have contended and have power with God and with men and have prevailed. According to the aforementioned website, (http://www.abarim-publications.com/Meaning/Israel.html), Israel in deeper etymology means "God strives." What a volume that should speak to us! God takes a deceitful trickster of a man who once tried to portray himself as an Esau, a "doer," and renames him "God strives." He takes the burden of doing and making himself someone and hiding behind his gifts and replaces it with the assurance that He's the one doing. He's the one working on Jacob's (now Israel's) behalf. But this supernatural name change could only come about after Jacob had finally confessed his weakness and who he really was to God.
Then Jacob asked Him, Tell me, I pray You, what [in contrast] is Your name? But He said, Why is it that you ask My name? And [the Angel of God declared] a blessing on [Jacob] there. And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel [the face of God], saying, For I have seen God face to face, and my life is spared and not snatched away. By this time, it is daybreak, and he has a new name and is reborn. I think contending with God and man represents contending with man-pleasing and letting God deal with him. He pursued God for more (insisting on the blessing) and got it. He defeats the doer and the trickster to become a true prince of God.
And as he passed Penuel [Peniel], the sun rose upon him, and he was limping because of his thigh. According to the exegesis, "An Exegetical Analysis of Genesis 32:22-32" by Philip Higley (2004) of Northwest University, "the contrast of having a new name (Israel) and a new limp is also important because the new name of Israel will last forever while his new limp will forever remind him that God has complete control over him." (http://eagle.northwestu.edu/academic/ministry/faculty/bstallman/BibInterp/Fame/04FA-ex/c1_Higley.pdf)
If you start reading the chapter after this story, he meets up with Esau who accepts him happily. Before wrestling God, Jacob was moving across the land quickly in an attempt to better manage Esau's response to him (man-pleasing), but in chapter 33, Esau is prompting Jacob to move faster, and Jacob gently refuses saying:
You know, my lord, that the children are tender and delicate and need gentle care, and the flocks and herds with young are of concern to me; for if the men should overdrive them for a single day, the whole of the flocks would die. Let my lord, I pray you, pass over before his servant; and I will lead on slowly, governed by [consideration for] the livestock that set the pace before me and the endurance of the children Jacob's behavior has changed. As usual, Esau is eager to get to work doing, but I imagine that having a God-given limp slowed down Jacob and made him empathetic to the children and the flocks. As the chapter continues, Jacob does travel slowly, but he stops and takes the time to build an altar and worship God.
I draw several general conclusions from this study:
1) God does not call us to be the doers. He calls us to contend with Him, making our petitions known and spending time in His presence on behalf of others. He is the One to be doing His work for His glory, not ours.
2) To be reborn, we have to come to terms with the ways that we may be trying to hide behind our works and be willing to confess that we can't do it all. We have to be willing to be stripped of everything--home, family, possessions, wealth, and even our name and who we think we are or are supposed to be.
3) At the root of our doing and compartmentalized, divided heart living is man-pleasing--even if the only humans we're pleasing are ourselves.
4) We need God to knock us out of joint. We need to have the "handicap" (in the world's eyes) of insatiable hunger for God above all else. Then He can set us in the appropriate pace for His kingdom.
I also take away many personal lessons from this story. While it may seem odd, my biggest fear in moving to Honduras is not the culture or the language. It's not the lack of comfortable conveniences. It's not even leaving home and family (although I know that will be difficult). My biggest fear is that I might lose sight of God, becoming too busy doing things for Him that I forget to spend time with Him. The need is so intensely great in Honduras, and the lifestyle of the ministry is so fast-paced. And as I have demonstrated time and time again, I have such a weakness in trying to do it all, in being a workaholic. I am known for compromising sleep and health and sanity for work, and as my dear friends, Anthony and Gabrielle, have quietly been teaching me in accordance with the Word, resting is Biblical. Rest to me means abiding with Him in all moments of the day. It means taking on His yoke ONLY and surrendering my own and even the yokes that others would like to put on me. It means spending time in worship with Him. My struggle with this fear--especially that I am inadequate and that I will fall into this trap yet again once I move--comes in waves. Yesterday was one of them, but I found comfort in an excerpt from Elisabeth Elliot's book Keep a Quiet Heart:
...our insignificance does not matter at all, we do not come to the Father in our own name but in the Name of His beloved Son. His ear is always open to that Name. Of this we can be certain. ... he [Satan] is much more afraid of our prayer than our work.
This past week (and month really) has been a busy one in Honduras, and from talking to Roy and hearing a voicemail from Papí Alvin, I know that there has been much recent heartache. I can hear the stress and exhaustion in both of their voices, and while I'm not there yet, I feel the burdens they carry. It's a heaviness that weighs on me so much that I just cry and beg God to show me what to do to ease it. And He always leads me to extensive prayer, and given the excerpt above, it is no wonder why. (The scriptures Elisabeth Elliot lists in that chapter of Isaiah 40, Psalm 27:8, Isaiah 45:19, 1 John 5:14-15, and Philippians 4:6-7 were also great encouragements.)
I particularly love the last part of what God showed me in that story of Jacob. Last night, on a whim, I took a couple of spiritual gifting-type assessments online just out of curiosity. Shepherding and showing mercy were top attributes for me on all of them. In wanting to be a missionary, I sometimes forget how I don't really fit the stereotypical idea of a missionary. I'm not much of a preacher and am fairly soft-spoken although public speaking doesn't frighten me. Just as I mentioned before, I am the kind of person who is constantly digging for the root--of a problem, of a person, of a passage, of God's purposes. Thus, while I love Jesus dearly, my means of sharing Him is often not through going up to strangers and giving a standard run-down of the Gospel. I think every person is different and receives Jesus differently. Therefore, it takes me so much longer to verbally share Jesus with others because I am so relationship-oriented. I want to share in people's struggle and life story before I spout off about what I think they need to do with their lives. Growing up in church, I always kind of felt like a failure because I'm not a big "soul winner" in the conventional meaning of the Christianese concept. I just seek to love as Jesus does. Sometimes, that means being direct and verbal about the Gospel, but often, it does not. Being out of church for this long has taught me that it truly does take all kinds, that God works through people differently even if it doesn't lead to immediate, tangible results or numbers.
Last night, after reading the results of those spiritual gifting assessments (which weren't surprising to me), I found myself asking God how I can be an "effective" missionary when my means of reaching out to others isn't preaching and immediate results evangelism. It's slow--it's showing mercy and coming alongside people in the midst of what they're feeling and dealing with and encouraging them. It's seed planting which means I exit from various groups of people and phases of life wondering if my love ever impacted anyone because the fruit isn't immediate usually. The truth is that I may never see it. I find a lot of encouragement in Jacob's "slowness" in chapter 33. Discipleship has always been very close to my heart. The western church seems to put so much emphasis on numbers and praying the salvation prayer, that it seems to forget that people keep existing and dealing with everyday life after they pray that happy, little, repeat-after-me prayer. We tend to hound people to "get involved" and take on a role or position in the church hierarchy so they can reach more and more numbers and "find their niche" without stopping to consider if they've had a chance to fall in love with Jesus, without leading them to depth in their relationship with Christ. And then we wonder why the church looks good superficially with lots of leaders and flash but behind closed doors is falling apart in sin. There's no depth.
You know, my lord, that the children are tender and delicate and need gentle care, and the flocks and herds with young are of concern to me; for if the men should overdrive them for a single day, the whole of the flocks would die. Let my lord, I pray you, pass over before his servant; and I will lead on slowly, governed by [consideration for] the livestock that set the pace before me and the endurance of the children
I think this passage is God's answer to my question, His purpose for my life. It does take all kinds, and my heart is with the children--the children of age but also the children in spiritual maturity as well. I don't want to see the church in Honduras or the US or anywhere overdriving the children. I want them to be able to reach spiritual maturity, and my heart is to come alongside them to help make that possible according to how God sees fit. I don't want flocks to die because their relationships with God don't have depth yet. While I can't pretend that I know what this looks like in a practical sense, I want to be willing to be a voice of slowing, even if that means I look weird to other believers, even if that means I seem lazy or unfruitful. I want to be obedient to the Father in setting an example of resting in Him--which means not filling every second of my time with something to "do" for Him. It means taking the time to soak in the sweetness of His presence, letting Him fill me so that it is truly His presence and love that overflows onto others.
With love and resting,
Sarah
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