Faith and Rest

Hello All,

Learning to Rest
I am always so blessed by God's timing. Sometimes, He gives me a verse or a preview of a lesson long before I stumble upon my necessity for it in my circumstances. A little over a week ago, I was reading from Hebrews 3:
And it is we who are [now members] of this house, if we hold fast and firm to the end our joyful and exultant confidence and sense of triumph in our hope [in Christ]. . . . [Therefore beware] brethren, take care, lest there be any one of you a wicked, unbelieving heart [which refuses to cleave to, trust in, and rely on Him], leading you to turn away and desert or stand aloof from the living God. . . . For we have become fellows with Christ (the Messiah) and share in all He has for us, if only we hold our first newborn confidence and original assured expectation [in virtue of which we are believers] firm and unshaken to the end. . . . So we see that they were not able to enter [into His rest], because of their unwillingness to adhere to and trust in and rely on God [unbelief had shut them out]. The part of that passage that stuck out the most to me was that idea of God's rest. At the time I was reading this, I was sick with a cold and fever. There is nothing more humbling for me than being sick. I am almost never sick, so when I am, it always knocks me back into my place. Thus, the idea of rest was so much more appealing to me than normal, and the reality of the times when I am not resting in Him was so much more convicting. I am a thinker and an analyzer by personality. It is so difficult for me to restrain myself from thinking too much and over-analyzing every possible situation. When watching a movie or mystery television show, I am always the person trying to figure out what is going to happen next, and my own life is no different. Sometimes, I can get so caught up in the next step or in how everything is going to work out that I forget to just enjoy the ride and the journey. Within my relationship with God, it's the equivalent of going on a date with someone who refuses to stop trying to forecast what the next surprise or next step in the relationship is going to be. It is impossible to romance someone who is convinced that he/she is smart enough to figure out what's going to happen next. And, often, when the reality of circumstances does not line up with whatever expectations we have built up in our minds, we invite an ungrateful spirit to linger upon us instead of just accepting happily whatever God has chosen to give us or bring us through. This isn't a new lesson for me, sadly. It's one that God constantly has to remind me of, but this particular reminder was a timely one for everything that has so quickly transpired over just the past week.

Christmas with My Second FamilyAs I have mentioned in past updates, I have gotten very close to Roy's family. I see them often, and I have been so blessed and privileged that they have so willingly adopted me. This holiday season has been so much more precious because of them. I mentioned at Waldina's graduation that I wanted to learn how to make nacatamales (typical Christmas/New Year's food here). So, when the time came for the Rovelo family to make nacatamales, they let me join in to learn. It is an all day process that I absolutely loved. I spent the day in Abuela's kitchen as neighbors, friends, uncles, aunts, cousins, and other loved ones filtered in and out--giving their two cents about how much salt should be added, poking and prodding the women cooking, and just spending time together. I adore the entire family, and during this priceless day, what captured my heart were the little things--Silvia made me milk with cinnamon to help my cough; the children of the family are truly raised in a community of strong women who obviously love them enough to discipline them; and the whole family interacts together with the playfulness and innocence of children. I loved hearing Abuela talk about how her mother-in-law was the first one to teach her how to make nacatamales, and Abuela taught Mama Sonia (Roy's mom), who taught her kids, and a whole bunch of people in the family taught me. Although I am a gringa, I feel so privileged to be able to carry on the legacy simply by learning. As the evening ended, Nahum took me home on the motor bike (I still love zipping around on the bike at night) but not before I got a warm hug from Abuela and a sweet, "I love you very much." I love them all so much. I have truthfully never met a family who so readily makes me feel at home, totally comfortable with myself and with them, and who reminds me so much of my own family's playful dynamic. God has blessed me so much by bringing all of these precious people into my life.

On Christmas Day, I was overwhelmed with gratefulness to be here. For a while, Alvin's house here at the top of the hill was enveloped by a white cloud and rain, so while I may not have had snow, I did have a sense of a white Christmas. That evening, my boys (Raúl, Nahum, Roy, and Cristian) and I went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, Raúl took me with him, Nahum, and Cristian to Tatumbla (Roy's hometown) where I visited with Roy's mom, sister, grandmother, and the rest of the family. After the visit in Tatumbla, Raúl and Cristian brought me home where Alvin's family soon returned. Christmas Eve here in Honduras is celebrated similarly to New Year's Eve in the States. Everyone stays up very late; people visit until all hours of the morning; and fire crackers are an ever-present noise. A whole vanload of people came home with Alvin and Nelly, so I visited with them for a while before Raúl called me to see if I wanted to go with him to Cristian's house to eat--yet again! So, around 1 AM, the boys came to pick me up, and we headed to Cristian's. The kindness and generosity of Hondurans, especially to strangers, never ceases to amaze me. I had never met Cristian's family before in my life, and Cristian and I just became friends not too long ago, but they gladly welcomed me and fed me--excited that I would be trying torrejas (another typical celebratory food here) at their house for the first time. After so much warm and visiting, I returned home around 2:45 AM. I absolutely loved my first Christmas in Honduras. On actual Christmas Day, I spent the day just relaxing--I skyped with my family, hung out with Nahum at the Eagle's Nest, and just enjoyed the comfort of home with people who truly make me feel at home.

Losing Quendy
In the midst of all of this, major changes yet again were churning. Circumstances blow up here in a heartbeat to the point that you really just can never call what is going to happen next, which is where the lesson of resting came to the rescue during my time of need. During the past month, although Quendy and I have lived at Alvin's house, Quendy has not slept in the apartment with me. She has been sleeping in the bunkhouse above. I will truthfully say that I have struggled to know in what areas I am responsible for her, and in what areas I am released. I made it clear before moving here that I knew my limitations--that I could not be a mother but that I would gladly serve as an older sister. In the midst of this confusion for me, life was going on. Other than making sure that Alvin and Nelly knew any new information regarding what was going on with Quendy, I didn't feel like I had much control over various situations or that it was my place to assert rules and consequences. Ultimately, I still am not sure how I could have handled situations better, but gratefully, God does, and He is merciful. On Christmas Eve, Mamí Nelly told me that Quendy (who recently was given a cell phone by a neighbor boy, who turned out to be her boyfriend--a source of struggle for me) had been caught with a boy in the bunkhouse (I still don't know when this happened). And, furthermore, she confided in one of the women of the church that she thought she might be pregnant, and, if she was, she wanted to have an abortion. Like I said, everything here blows up rather quickly. On Christmas Day, Quendy ran away, leaving a note saying that she was going back to her mother's house. Quendy has lived away from her mother for years now because both of her parents were abusive. Her father is now in prison, but her mother still lives with Quendy's younger siblings. Since that night, we have found out that Quendy is not pregnant and that she is living in our neighborhood with a friend or perhaps with her boyfriend. Initially, when all of this first happened, I blamed myself and was quite heartbroken. But, in the midst of prayers that God would show me what I need to learn from everything that has happened and how I could have acted differently, I have been answered with nothing but peace and rest. I have no idea what is going to happen with Quendy, and I so long to talk to her, to reinforce the truth that no matter what she does, she is loved. But, at the same time, to me, the way that everything just seems to be disintegrating and getting worse has been evidence of two things for me--1) God is indeed hardening me to difficulties. The other night, Alvin just looked at me and said, "Sarah, are you sure you're ready for all of this? Ministry?" And, while I don't know that readiness is the issue at hand for me, I can confidently say that everything that has happened has in no way deterred me or discouraged me from being here in Honduras. On the contrary, it has reinforced the truth--I am not here because of anything that I think I can do to help. I am here for the sake of the call and for that reason alone. 2) All of this is evidence that God has to be the One doing the work. He is in control. He knows what Quendy needs far better than any of us humans do. The question that everyone keeps asking in the face of so many heartbreaking exits of Mayra, Claudia, Blanca, and Quendy has been, "I just don't understand. They have it so good. We gave them food, shelter, education, love, and a sense of family. Their lives were way better than what they came from. Why would they choose to leave all of that and throw that opportunity away?" And, surprisingly, I do understand. They each still carry an orphan spirit. They have each experienced so much abuse, so many painful experiences from people who were supposed to love them, that they have learned the lie that this treatment is all that they deserve, that they have no worth. We can do our best to give them new experiences and to treat them with real love and to teach them differently, but until God opens their hearts to receive this truth and this love, they still carry the pain of wandering orphans searching for truth and love and home. It has to be a work of the Father, and that is something that none of us can force. The most that we can do is seek diligently after the Father and rest that He is the One in control. When we seek Him and His Kingdom first instead of seeking to build our own kingdoms in His name, we learn to rest no matter what happens that perhaps makes us seem like failures. God only uses failures--how else would others see His glory instead of ours?

Farewell 2011So much has happened this year. I can hardly believe it. This is my second New Year's here in Honduras (I will be spending it with my second family--the Rovelos). I have changed so much since this time last year, and God has blessed me so much more than I can even fathom or express. During this past year, I student taught and graduated from college, leaving without any debt--truly just because of the grace and provision of God. I was able to take a nearly three-month road trip this summer across the US with my cousin for part of it and with my brother for the other part of it (which now only leaves nine states I haven't been to). That road trip was not only a dream come true but was also a precious honeymoon with God where He taught me how to depend on Him more and more. In September, I moved here to Honduras, and I already have residency for five years. In just a few days, I will celebrate four months of living here in my new home with people who are adopted family and with a God who has never ceased to amaze me with His romance and His love even in the midst of bouts of loneliness. In the coming year, I only have one desire and one resolution that trumps all of my greatest intentions and ideas--just more of Jesus, just more of allowing the Father to teach me how to love, and just obedience, obedience, obedience to walk with the Holy Spirit.
Thank you so much for being a continued part of my journey, for reading my thoughts and convictions, and for contributing to my life as a missionary here with your prayers and support.
Happy New Year's!

All my love,
Sarah

In the Spirit

Roy's family after Waldina's graduation

My new apartment

Hello All,

I have now spent over three months here in Honduras, and I am still so overjoyed to be here. Sometimes, it hits me in the midst of eating eggs, beans, and mantequilla or when I’m watching Raúl eat an ice cream cone like a small child or when I’m soaked from handwashing my laundry in the hot sun that I can’t believe how blessed I am to be here. I can’t help but laugh at God’s goodness. I am now living in the apartment adjacent to Alvin’s house, and I love living here. I love having my own sense of home. A few weeks ago, I had a bit of an independence day which made me really realize that I do, in fact, live here. Sometimes, my lack of independence in terms of not having my own means of transportation and the like is very stretching for me. I don’t like to ask others for help, and I have always been wildly independent, so the rare times when I am able to do things by myself is so invigorating for me. A few weeks ago, I drove the car to Quendy’s graduation (of fourth grade—we are so proud of her!), dropped her off to work with a family from our church, and then headed to the mall to try to buy some items for the apartment. I bought a cabinet to hold our dishes and food (the first and only furniture I think I’ve ever bought), and I had the guys from the store load the giant thing into the van. Then, as I was heading home, I missed the exit to go toward Danlí. Here, the roads are difficult to navigate for me because many are one-ways, and it’s like the interstate—when you miss your exit, you have to keep driving and driving to be able to turn around. Well, long story short, I got myself really lost. It was the perfect combination of elements to be lost—I was low on gas, I had a giant cabinet in the car and couldn’t see out of my side window or my rearview, it was rush hour in the middle of the city, and I was totally alone. I loved it because it was one of those rare, perfect occasions when I could depend on God alone. It reminded me of road trip adventures and brought me so much joy. I ended up calling Roy who thankfully was able to direct me in the right direction until I was in the middle of a place where I recognized. He was astounded by how lost I had gotten myself—ha ha, me too.

A week or so ago, I was back at the Eagle’s Nest (Raúl still lives there) washing Raúl’s clothes. I was listening to a Heidi Baker podcast that I had downloaded before I moved but had never listened to. In the beginning of her message, she was just saying the names of various people who were in the audience or listening at home and giving them words of knowledge from God. As I was scrubbing at the pila, I just had a random thought of, “How cool would it be if she had a word for me even a year after the fact? God isn’t bound by time.” I had no sooner thought it than she said my name: “Sarah, you’re coming into your destiny. Sarah, you’re coming into our destiny—your destiny as a laid-down lover of God. Your destiny in ministry and missions, and it’s like I feel like the Lord’s just saying today that as fish of many kinds come home that He’s going to do the cleaning Himself, and He says don’t be worried about the past. Just come into the future. Come into the future now. Come into your destiny. And let Me love you and let Me call you home. And let me pour My grace upon you. There’s an amazing blessing this morning for grace. I just hear that—immense grace.” I was dumbfounded and so blessed. How cool is God?! Living back up at Alvin’s house has been like walking down memory lane, remembering all of the precious moments I have had with God over the years at this place. I have found myself rereading old journals and reliving that first year when I was learning just how much of a romantic God is. He still is—the old flame for my first Love is still there. He always so beautifully knows what I need and want so much better than I do. He still has a knack for romancing me in the smallest of details and in the most unexpected places as was evident in that message that morning.

The other element of life that has been such an amazing blessing has been Roy’s family. Recently, Roy’s sister, Waldina, invited me to be a part of her graduation. She is the first of her siblings to graduate from university, and we are so proud of her. She received her licensure as a preschool teacher. I felt so special to be included in their family’s celebration. I don’t even really know why they invited me, but I was so blessed to be able to spend the afternoon with all of them, joking, laughing, and just watching their family dynamic. I have been so blessed by how their family has adopted me. Nahum and Raúl come here often to visit and have dinner with me, and I obviously see Roy everyday because he works here at the house for Papí. Roy’s mom, Sonia, told me that she would let me come visit her when she is making torrejas and nacatamales (typical Christmas food of Honduras) so that I could learn how to make them. The boys and I plan on spending Christmas together as the 24th and 25th aren't really as widely celebrated as the 31st, and Raúl invited me to come with him to his family's New Year's Eve dinner. I never know what God has in store for me here, but I look forward to my first Christmas here in Honduras and with this precious family who I love so much.
Meanwhile, I am always learning. Nearly a month ago, Papí said he’d been praying for me, and God told him something for me—He brought to mind Hebrews 5:8:Although He was a Son, He learned [active, special] obedience through what He suffered.Alvin thought it was interesting that Jesus had to learn obedience because we tend to think that it came with the package of being the Messiah, but here, the Bible clearly says that He learned obedience through His suffering, and Alvin felt as if God was saying that this is the place that God is calling me to right now but that I should also remember that Jesus Himself had to suffer to learn obedience. It is true—this is where I find myself now. I am learning obedience and oftentimes it is in the midst of suffering. My life right now is a rainbow. The beauty and full spectrum of color of life is only visible when humble tears are present. It is stretching for me to be in Honduras finally and still feel as if I am not going to least of these, to the streets, to the dump, etc. But, at the same time, I don’t feel released to “do” anything. The other day, I was walking through Villa Vieja, our neighborhood, and I caught the eyes of a young man with bloodshot eyes and a lost expression. As soon as our eyes locked, I heard God say in my spirit, “There are people in this neighborhood who don’t know Jesus.” As I turned that truth over in my head, my instinct (as so terribly is the case) was to start trying to figure out a way to reach those people who don’t know Jesus. My thoughts already had turned to what I could do only seconds after God told me this. But, God didn’t tell me to do anything. It is as if God tells me a secret, and the first thing I want to do is run out and make it happen, but maybe He hasn’t told me all of the secret yet. Nearly a year ago, when I was here in Honduras, God kept bringing to mind the scripture dealing with worshipping God in spirit and in truth. God made it clear before I left that it is often much easier for me to worship Him in truth than it is in spirit. Part of worship, to me, is how we live our lives and how we treat the Jesus we see (or don’t see) in others. God made it clear that it is much easier for me to see a way to share the truth with someone and to boldly tell them what I see—it’s often much easier that way because as soon as I say the truth, I am free; the burden is lifted; and I am no longer responsible. It is much more difficult for me to worship God and love others in spirit, but it is necessary to be like Jesus. While Jesus was on the earth, He saw so many people suffering. He saw so many people sick. He saw the wounds of everyone around Him. But, although He had the power as God’s Son, He didn’t heal them all. He didn’t take away the pain of them all. He didn’t prophesy over them all or reveal the future for all of them. He only did what the Father led Him to do. He was only obedient to the Father. So, what did He do with all of that pain, suffering, sickness, and loneliness He saw in others? I think we tend to think that Jesus’ greatest point of pain was when He was on the cross and when He had taken on all of the sin of the world—perhaps, this is likely true. But, I think that we can focus so much on that moment that we forget the suffering Jesus passed through during His entire time on earth. He wasn’t driven by the necessities of others as much as He was driven by obedience to the Father. In so many cases, rather than healing and alleviating the pain and suffering, He merely suffered with them. Recently, I was listening to a different Heidi Baker podcast, and she said that God calls us to suffer like Jesus did. Suffering is not having to depend on God for our needs—that’s the adventure. Suffering is not persecution because the Bible says we can count that as pure joy. Suffering like Jesus means seeing as He saw. It means seeing the pain and suffering of others and not being blind to it, but at the same time, not going off in a frenzy of action and strategy to alleviate it. Suffering like Jesus means only doing what God tells us to do in obedience in the midst of seeing the pain of others. Suffering like Jesus means embracing the helplessness and offering all that we see with His eyes up as an offering of prayer and intercession to the Father so that whatever He chooses to do will be His work for His glory—not ours. This is worshipping the Father in spirit. Blessed are the poor in spirit. This lesson is very difficult for me. Sometimes, I feel so useless. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by the need here and by the quiet and seemingly ineffective life I lead here. But I also know that I don’t want to do any work of my own. I only want to be a willing vessel for the Father’s Kingdom. Time is of no bearing for Him; He is not bound by its dimensions. Thus, I have no need to worry over what I may humanly see as wasting time. As I recently told Roy, if we are in God’s will, we are never wasting our lives. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is that we are seeking God, His will, and His Kingdom first.

Lots of love,
Sarah