If we only knew...

I know that it's rare for me to update so often, but I needed to share some raw thoughts.


For the past couple of months, I've had the story of Hosea replaying over and over in my heart. The story of Hosea starts like this, "Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife..." She is true to her original nature, and she runs away.



She said, I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold--which they used for Baal.


I lost Joel on Monday. He made the decision to leave Teen Challenge and return to the streets. Because he is legally considered an adult, he made the choice as an adult. There was nothing more I could do. I still love him with all of my heart, and I believe that God isn't done with him yet.



Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Vally of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. "In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.' . . . I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.


This weekend, I had Marvin, Josuan, and Jesús (and Erick who stays with his mom) on leave all at the same time. From hour number one, I knew that if I made it through this weekend with all of my kids together as my responsibility that I should probably win some kind of single mother medal. My morning this morning started with God waking me up super early to pray. This is not unusual other than how He had me praying for my children--covering them with Jesus' blood, sending angels to surround them, and pleading for God's furious love to keep pursuing them. In the middle of my prayers, Josuan and Marvin arrived at my house at 6:30 AM from the room where they sleep where Raúl lives. Josuan burst into my house asking me if Jesús was here; he wasn't. At first, because my kids all like to freak me out, I thought they were joking. But, the truth was that Jesús left at 4 AM. He had packed his things the night before (not unusual since he had to return to Teen Challenge today), and without my boys knowing, he left. My heart sunk in a way that I cannot express--like I was about to lose part of myself. So, we grabbed my keys, hopped into my car, and started driving and looking for him. I won't lie--I didn't think we were going to find him. Josuan, my pillar of faith, was praying and declaring that we were going to find him. The night before, it was late when I took them home, but we ran into Pastora Mirna, a friend of Mami Nelly's and one of the few people who has been a support and constant encourager for me. She had never met Jesús, but God shows this woman a lot. She began to tell him all kinds of advice that was perfectly direct and spoke to his situation--without knowing anything about his past. Josuan and Marvin were exhausted, but I didn't cut her off because I felt that if God was speaking to her in this way that it was because my son needed it.



I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.' I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.'


God adores my Jesús. We could've gone first to the room to make sure he wasn't there, but we didn't. Split second decision. It would've been lost time. We were going to go to the market where the bus stations are for Jesús' hometown since we knew that that was where he'd be headed. My baby doesn't know his birthday. He has no idea how old he is. His heart aches for a sense of identity. He longs to belong to a family. And, he convinces himself from time to time that he will find all of this back in his hometown where he was left for dead after a murder attempt that involved 10 bullets and seven stab wounds--the same hometown where these same attackers still are who will kill him if they see him alive. He has been gone and in various centers and juvenile delinquent facilities for the past two years from what I understand, and his family has never looked for him. Even when he lived in his hometown, he lived on the streets (without his family) until a guy took him into his home. But, Jesús builds it up in his mind that the perfect family he seeks are those blood-related. So, he bolted. There were two routes we could've taken to the market. The boys knew both routes, but we decided to pass up the first route because of possible traffic. Split second decision. We wouldn't have have seen him. He would've been gone. It would've been over if we would have taken the first route. Only minutes later, we found him. He was walking on the side of the road with an angry look on his face, his framed baptism certificate in his hand, carrying his duffle bag. I pulled over, let the boys get out to talk to him, and buried my head in my hands to cry and for a moment to find the strength and the words for this fifth escape attempt--although the first on my watch.



The Lord said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adultress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes. So I bought her. . .


It was like trying to talk a suicidal person out of jumping off of a tall building. His life, his soul, our family all hung in the balance. He didn't want to hear anything. I tried. Josuan tried. The shadow (person who supervises the first couple of leaves) of Josuan tried. He didn't want to talk to anyone. I signed for him to take him out of 21, so I'm legally responsible for him. Thus, I gave him the same speech I gave Josuan: "I love you. I'm here fighting for you because you are important to me. But, if you don't want to be my son, I can't force you. But, tell me your plan because I'm not going to throw you out on the street. If you don't want to be my son, I respect your decision, but you have to go back to IHNFA. We'll take you into police custody because I'm not just going to throw you onto the streets. I don't want to do that, but it's your decision." He decided that's what we'd do, so Marvin called the police. The call didn't go through. He tried again. No luck. Josuan nudged Jesús with desperation, "Don't you see! Satan wants to kill you! He wants to steal your life. He wants to steal you from our mami. But don't you see how God is fighting for you? The call didn't go through because God doesn't want you to make this mistake." So, we got him into the car to go to the police station. On the way there, Josuan hugged Jesús around the neck and talked into his ear with tears streaming down his face, fighting for his brother's life, while I prayed in tongues, at a loss for what else I could do. By the time we arrived back in our neighborhood, Jesús had made the decision that he wanted to be my son and would return to Teen Challenge with his brothers.



Afterward the Israelites will return and seek the Lord their God and David their king. They will come trembling to the Lord and to his blessings in the last days.


A lot of people don't "get" what it is that I'm doing with my sons. To be honest with you, a lot of times, I don't "get" it either. All of this just started with stopping for the one. Stopping to love one broken person in my path. Then another. Then another. And so on. I had no plans of my own. Just obedience. Just supernatural love that only comes from Jesus. But, after taking my sons to Teen Challenge and Marvin to his family's house, I came home, got on my knees, and cried out to Jesus to shake free of the loss that nearly consumed me today, how Satan nearly robbed me of my beloved son. I have reached the absolute end of myself. All I can do is beg for mercy. But, do you see what God is doing here? Do you see how God is making us a family? Jesús stepped back from the ledge today because Josuan fought for him when I didn't have any more words. I fought for Josuan for months. He almost ran away from me three times (even with a broken leg) to return to a life of drugs and abuse. But, God rescued Josuan and gave him to me. Now, he gets it. He knows he's not an orphan. He knows he's loved. And now Josuan fights for Jesús. That's the secret--stop for the One who is the One and stop for the one in front of you. And that one will stop for another one and so on. This past Sunday, the pastor sent all of my children to me to pray for me together. It became one giant embrace of us all--including Josuan's sister. And, I cried and shook and felt an electric wave of God's presence and strength holding us together as a family when I am simply too weak to do so.



I get a lot of criticism for loving my children--showing my children I love them--as if I've given birth to them because supposedly they're only "spiritual children." Trust me, if I hold back, they will know, and I will lose them. And I love them as fiercely as if they carry my blood in their veins--how am I supposed to contain that? I can't be half of a mom. I get a lot of criticism because I've never been a natural mother, so supposedly, this means that I can't be a good adoptive mom. I get a lot of criticism because I'm a single mom. I never wanted to be a single mom. I fought with God over obeying Him and taking hold of this family as mine. But, I'm sure Mary, the mother of Jesus, didn't want to be pregnant out of wedlock, but if she wouldn't have let God be the Father of her firstborn child (instead of Joseph), I wouldn't have a Savior. We never know what will be born out of our obedience to God even when man says, "It can't be done. It shouldn't be done. It looks bad." So, I grab a hold of Isaiah 54, and I keep fighting.



If we only knew what we're fighting for, we'd never say no to Jesus again. Today, I saw in the eyes of my son what I fight for. I see his soul on the very brink, and I know that if I don't fight to show this young man the furious, unrelenting, constant love of Jesus, he will die never having known Him or His perfect love. Can I live with myself if that happens, knowing that I could have, should have, and was called to do more, to love more? Can I live knowing that I wasted my life on something that had no eternal value for the life of another? Can I live knowing that someone died without the love of Jesus filling heart and soul and life and thoughts because I was too afraid or too stubborn or too lazy to obey God? Can I live with myself knowing that I was the person called to love that murderer, thief, gang member, orphan, street kid, prostitute, or neighbor back to life? No, because my heart burns for them; it aches for them to know His love.



Do you know why they run away? They run away for the same reason that Jesús ran away today. They want to know if they're valuable enough to be pursued. They want to know if someone will run after them to rescue them from themselves. They do not know His love. They feel like orphans. They do not believe that they belong to anyone. They do not realize they're not alone. They do not see their own worth. They lack a sense of identity. That's why Jesus sends us out like Hosea to bring in His lost bride--over and over and over again until His love seeps into their souls and heals their orphan hearts. If Jesus keeps knocking on the door of our hearts, He calls us to keep to running after them, keep looking for that one lost lamb, and to keep burning with the fire of His love and a passion for His children.



His love looks like this:
Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.



I regret nothing. I've lost nothing. I'll keep fighting. I'll keep running after Jesús always. I'll keep loving. If you only knew what you're fighting for, if you only knew what was at stake, if you only knew that what you do for the least of these you do to Jesus, it would change your entire life, turn your world upside down, and keep you fighting too.