Hello All,
I'll be headed to Teen Challenge in just a little bit and still have to cook and get ready, etc., but I wanted to find a spare moment this morning to do a little reflecting. I was reading in the past week on the website Velvet Ashes (velvetashes.com) about the initiative to focus on just one word in the coming year rather than making resolutions. I've never really been one to make resolutions because I know myself too well and am too realistic. But, in thinking about this concept of one word, I reflected on what words would describe this past year of 2014. I also live with this idea of one word and have, rather unconsciously, since moving here, but the one word is really one passage of scripture that I ask God for to give me direction and a purpose and a guide for what to expect for the future. For the first three years of living here, my guiding passage of scripture was Isaiah 37:30-32:
"This will be the sign for you, O Hezekiah: "This year you will eat what grows by itself, and the second year what springs from that. But in the third year sow and reap, plant vineyards and eat their fruit. Once more a remnant of the house of Judah will take root below and bear fruit above. For out of Jerusalem will come a remnant, and out of Mount Zion a band of survivors. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this.
That passage sustained me for three years. God gave me plenty of other rhema words for specific situations, but these verses were a reoccurring anchor. It was what God prophesied over my life, and its truth was revealed with each passing year. My first year in Honduras, I worked in areas that were already sown by Alvin and Nelly and was just trying to find my niche. The second year, I worked with seeds already sown by others in 21 de Octubre, and now 21 de Octubre, the building, is being used for adolescent girls and what was the institution of 21 de Octubre now doesn't exist after Honduras' IHNFA (Child Services Department) was abolished. But, in my third year of living here, God gave me the privilege of being the one planting in the lives of my children and to a certain point, reaping. It was in the third year that my weary prayers for Raúl were finally answered, and he renewed his commitment and relationship with Jesus and began to take root once again in his Christian life. I knew because of this verse to hold on for that breakthrough until the third year, without giving up on him. I also knew because of this verse that I would only be left with a remnant of children, a band of survivors. After having up to 9 in Teen Challenge, I am left with that small remnant, and to be honest, there are days where I wonder if it may turn out to be even smaller when the dust settles.
This year, my passage was Isaiah 27:2-6:
In that day-- "Sing about a fruitful vineyard: I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night so that no one may harm it. I am not angry. If only there were briers and thorns confronting me! I would march against them in battle; I would set them all on fire. Or else let them come to me for refuge; let them make peace with me." In days to come Jacob will take root, Israel will bud and blossom and fill all the world with fruit.
Every time I would pray about my spiritual life and relationship with Raúl and what God was doing when things seemed just exhausting or hopeless, God brought me back to this verse. And He showed me on more than one occasion a massive tree with a thick trunk, the branches were ablaze, burning away all the deadwood that wasn't giving forth fruit, to expose new green growth beneath. Meanwhile, the roots tunneled forward and deeper, curling into the depths of the soil with more and more shoots multiplying. I was the branches, and Raúl was the roots. And, it's been an accurate picture because a good word to describe this year would be prune. I look back on this year, and I see just how God has restored me, purified me, and strengthened me through placing me in tests and situations to confront past fears, to pick myself up to receive healing, and to take a stand against the darkness. I know I say it every year (but every year it's true)--this has been the hardest year of my life. I think that's how it's supposed to be, so I keep growing and maturing, but it is painful! On numerous occasions this year, I have asked God, moaning in small-child agony, "How much longer? How much more pain do I have to go through?" This was my cry even just last night after spending a day crying nonstop, just wanting a relief, a hope. How much longer? The thing about being pruned is that it's not an action the self can do. It's a condition induced by someone else. The tree cannot move to escape the flame. It is anchored by the roots. It cannot do anything to make the process go by faster. It just remains still and lets itself burn. I am, perhaps, not a very good tree because I've struggled with letting God burn me to life and have wanted and tried to speed up the process or move the roots to escape the pain. But, no one said purification was easy or pain-free, but it is necessary.
I look back at this year and realize that God gave me irreplaceable opportunities to re-face demons that had defeated me before, knowing that our rematch would result in victory, strengthening my faith. I have had to make numerous decisions of sacrifice this year laying my deepest heart's desires at the feet of Jesus and leaving others' judgments of me in His capable hands. I've had to learn (and keep learning) to keep silent and let God defend me instead of trying to defend myself and that my greatest weapon oftentimes is actually REST. Yes, rest. No one ever thinks about going to battle armed only with rest, but the Kingdom of God is always backwards. 2 Chronicles 20 gives us a prime example of how joy and worship can deliver victories, and Jesus showed us the way when he slept on the boat in the middle of the violent storm. We've had major battles as a family this year. We confronted issues that I thought we'd never get out of. But, God's faithfulness has been endless, and His mercy has sustained us, making me understand just what is possible if we only believe and receive instead of striving. (I'm still not great at it.)
In the past couple of months, I have been praying for a new word, for a heads-up about what is coming and how much longer this pruning process is going to last. I can't say for sure whether these words are what God intends to be in place for the entirety of this coming year or if it perhaps even applies for years to come, but they do give me hope even if I don't have a set finish line for this marathon or a date of relief.
Habakkuk 2:2-3
Then the Lord replied: "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.
Ezekiel 12:21-23, 28
The word of the Lord came to me: "Son of man, what is this proverb you have in the land of Israel: 'The days go by and every vision comes to nothing'? Say to them, "This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I am going to put an end to this proverb, and they will no longer quote it in Israel.' Say to them, "The days are near when every vision will be fulfilled. . . . Therefore say to them, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: None of my words will be delayed any longer; whatever I say will be fulfilled, declares the Sovereign Lord.'"
Thus, I enter this new year holding onto these words and words prophesied over me in 2014. I choose to keep delighting in Jesus, trusting that He will, in His time, give me the desires of my heart. There are days when it's incredibly difficult. I see pictures of friends' weddings and engagements, announcements about births and new homes bought, nice cars purchased and dream jobs acquired. I look at my reality as a single mom without a "real job" with children that sometimes have attitudes that make me cry and want to hop on a plane in escape. I ponder the independence lost since I can't just leave my former drug addict sons at home by themselves all the time, which means I can't just pick up and go out with my boyfriend whenever I want. (And, trust me when I say there is absolutely no one lining up at my door wanting to give me an evening of relief.) I examine our little rented house on the hill and sigh about my ever-dirty car that had such nice interior before kids, that has a trunk that fills with water when it rains, whose door handle has broken now 10 times. I think about how much longer it'll be before God releases me to get married, or whenever the little girls from church come sit in my lap, think about the little girl I'd like to have (in the midst of all these boys!). And in moments of doubt, I wonder if He's forgotten my heart's desires. But, when I put my eyes on Jesus, when I ponder the sacrifice He made--how He left Love itself, streets of gold, choirs of angels, and the land of perfection to become a poor, unattractive, homeless, adopted carpenter, seemingly illegitimately born to die a violent, undeserved death--my heart burns with passion again. My eyes fill with tears and my mind with the deep belief that all of this is worth it because He is so worth it. He never stops being worthy no matter the cost. He is the prize. He is the reward. He is the Lover of My Soul. There is no other.
So, we start 2015. And, I let the words of a spontaneous worship song by Bethel Music be the song of my weary, still burning, still-ablaze-from-pruning heart...
Don't give up the fight. Don't grow weary. He will come like the rain. Don't grow weary. If you walk, you will not faint. He will come like the rain. He will come like the rain. Won't You come? Won't You come? Won't You come like the rain?
All my love and blessings for a new year full of new miracles,
Sarah
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
November Moments
I haven't had a lot of time to update, and I'm not sure when I'll get a free moment. So, I decided just to update some pictures to share. I hope you all have had blessed holidays, and we look forward with you to what the New Year will bring.
All my love,
Sarah
All my love,
Sarah
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| Josuan frying the Thanksgiving turkey--it was so cold outside! |
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| Princess Stef |
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| Josuan and Mami Yessi |
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| Praying for the food at our first Thanksgiving gathering |
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| Josuan's fried turkey masterpiece |
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| Christmas finally arrived at our house |
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| Marvin posing with the Christmas tree |
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| Me and Mami Yessi |
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| Tío Mario and Marvin |
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| Josuan and Tío Mario |
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| Our dear friends, Tío Mario and Tía Iveth, at their wedding at Teen Challenge |
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| Family photo at their wedding-- Mami Yessi, Erick, Raúl, Me, Marvin, Josuan, Cristofer, and Jonathan |
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| Marvin's birthday |
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| First time celebrating his birthday in family |
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| Friends from our church |
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| Marvin and his little buddy Cristofer |
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| Estefanny and Josuan |
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| The Birthday Boy and I |
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| Josuan and his little friend, Yennifer |
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| The ladies-- Julissa, me, Estefanny, and Juanita |
Monday, November 3, 2014
Keeping Connected
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| Maryuri--one of the girls from church who calls me Mami--and I after she was baptized |
Hello All,
It's been a long hiatus. I can assure you that blogging has been on my to-do list for months, but for lack of time and lack of inspiration, I kept silent. It’d be impossible to catch you up on all the things that have happened over the past several months, so I think I’ll just focus on where we are now.
I’ve been back from the States for a month and a half, and it’s been a process to put into practice what I learned while I was in the States. More than anything, God was able to show me my need to guard my heart, my time, and my needs. I am such a 100% or nothing kind of person. When I have a cause to work for, it consumes me. I love doing things well and whole-heartedly, but in the process, I often wear myself out or allow others to cross that sacred boundary of my time of intimacy with the Father. As a result, I get tired, and the oil in my lamp goes out.
While I was in the States, I attended the Iris Ministries Go Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. To be honest with you, that’s the biggest reason I returned to the States this year—because I was burnt-out and needed life and His presence so desperately. Being a missionary, you really can’t have a “spoon-feed-me” mentality as we as Christians often fall into in the routine of going to church, activities, etc. So many people depend on you to be the one feeding and discipling them. I am often surrounded by new, immature Christians, which, at times, makes it easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Going to that conference gave me so many answers that I had been waiting for. God healed wounds in my heart from letting myself get disconnected from the Vine of His presence, and He gave me a new mission and direction.
Many people ask me what a typical day in my life is like, and honestly, there is no typical day, and no day is that glamorous or exotic. I spend entire days doing loads of laundry by hand. I am a mom in every sense of the word even if it is to adopted, former street kid, teenage boys. I spend my days cleaning up after my children and furiously stewing because Marvin lazily tossed the silverware in the serving spoon drawer again and re-washing dishes that still have food stuck to them even after my children supposedly washed them. My grocery bills are outrageous because I have growing, teenage boys. And, most of my time is spent cleaning, cooking, and running errands. It’s “Mom! Pick me up at 2 for dance team practice,” and “Mom! I need a $100 dictionary for Bible class” and “Mom! My tool broke again! Can you go a third time this week to get it fixed?” My life is, “Mom! When are you going to the store again? We don’t have any apples” (when I went to the store and bought apples yesterday) and “Mom! Do I have to sweep today? I’ll do it tomorrow” (that’s what he said yesterday) and “Mom! Why did you make this for lunch instead of that” (after I spent my entire morning cooking). I’m 25, and I did not have the infant, toddler, kid, learning curve, and I cannot lie to you—there are days when Raúl comes to visit me, and all I can do is cry and let him hug me because I feel like I have no value other than what people can suck out of me. I am the bank. I am the chauffeur. I am the cook. I am the maid. I’m Mami.
And, if I have recognized nothing else about myself through all of this, it’s that I’m still a selfish person, and I still need a lot of grace. Ministry is not so much in what we do. It’s in presence and heart condition and attitude. It’s that question of, “Am I cursing Marvin again for lazily throwing the silverware in the wrong drawer and causing more work for me or am I delighted by the fact that God is using me to change my son’s life one day at a time even if it’s in the small things like cleaning up after him?” Regretfully, I’m still working on that attitude and heart condition part. The novelty of being a missionary has worn off. The novelty of Honduras and its culture has disappeared. The novelty of being a mom has dissipated after nearly two years. And, my attitude springs from that place of intimacy with Jesus or lack thereof. When I get tired, I get defensive and angry. When I get tired, I lose sight of the long-term vision and forget how far we’ve come. When I get tired, I lose hope and feel like I’m going to be fighting the same demons with my kids forever. And, it’s that same intimacy they have with God that determines much of how they relate to me. Are they selfish? Are they ungrateful? Are they struggling with how they view or talk about women? Are they angry? Are they judgmental? Are they demanding? Then they’re disconnected from the Vine, and THAT is my primary concern—not the symptoms. A common phrase in our house is, “I know you by your fruit,” which lets my kids know that their suffering relationship with God is showing through in their treatment of me.
That heart connection firstly with Jesus and secondly with each other is what really matters. My kids can get an education and eat well and sleep safely and learn a trade and get jobs, but if they lose sight of Jesus and His love for them, I have missed the vision. Ministry, even in family, is all about Jesus and intimacy with Jesus. It’s not enough to take them to church. It’s not enough to say, “Well, the pastor preached what they needed to hear.” What about my example? Am I showing them what life is really about—that it’s about intimacy with Jesus and listening to the Holy Spirit? I have seen changes in my kids according to my changes of dedicating more time to God and passing the tests of saying no to distractions or situations that want to steal that sacred, secret place. The atmosphere in my house is different with my kids when I set the tone of placing His presence first. My heart overflows with joy whenever I hear Josuan washing the dishes and praying in tongues, or I walk out of my bedroom to see Marvin kneeled at his bedside praying in the morning because they’ve seen me seek God first thing in the morning and heard me sing in tongues and put that emphasis on keeping my spirit connected to His.
And, I’m learning to place boundaries with my kids and others. To say no to that third trip to get that tool fixed when I’m already tired and frustrated. To say no to going to that second small group meeting for today so that I can rest at home. It’s not easy because people often react with demands and guilt trips. But, I am the only one who controls me, and they are the only ones who control how they choose to react to my boundaries. Even Jesus did not heal every sick person He saw. He only did what the Father led Him to do. And, often, He got away from the crowds to spend time with the Father.
Anyway, that’s what I’m in the process of learning. God’s always in the process of making heart changes within our family dynamic, so I’ll give you a little update on our family:
Raúl and I have been together as a couple since July. I won’t say that it’s been smooth sailing because we’re both broken people who have needed healing, but even when we have our big conflicts and breaking points, when we run to God for that healing, we have found that He brings us back together with new patience and compassion instead of pulling us apart. We’re both learning to love like Jesus and let Him be the one making our lives and vision and ministry mesh in unity without humanly forcing anything. God has worked absolute miracles in Raúl’s heart, to be honest with you. My sweetheart had such a broken heart protected by walls of stone, and he was determined for so long to not let anyone in. But, for this cause, and those kinds of hurt people, I am called. My entire family is full of broken, rescued people who have cost me tears and pain and cultivated a patience and endurance in me that I never knew I was capable of. They have brought me into deeper intimacy with Jesus because without Him, I couldn’t have held on. Just yesterday, Raúl was staring off into space, and I asked, “What are you thinking about?” And he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “I was this broken, damaged person who had separated myself from God’s presence and His love. But He sent this person to come alongside me and speak life and suffer patiently at my side, loving me like Jesus when I was so unlovable. And I will never forget that person. I will carry that person in my heart forever. And that was you.”
The dynamic between Raúl and my kids has been nothing short of a God-given miracle. When Marvin first came to live with me, Raúl and Marvin hated each other and had no problem stating how they felt about the other. Now, Marvin works at Raúl’s business, and when Marvin had a motor bike accident, the first person he called wasn’t me—it was Raúl. They laugh together. They joke together. Marvin gets up extra early to be the first person to help Raúl open the business, and Raúl will go out of his way to take care of Marvin (example being when he took him to the hospital after the accident…he’s fine by the way). I always knew that they’d eventually get along because they’re so alike—hyperactive, extroverted, attention-calling, hard workers. Josuan is always going to be more of a mama’s boy, but he also is learning how to relate better to Raúl even though their personalities are so different. He was just telling me yesterday how he was able to calm Raúl down when he was angry. My being away for a month in the States opened the door for those relationships to be cultivated more. Now, Raúl is part of our family, and I have someone to lean on. We face the conflicts together and consult each other about the business and the kids.
I look back at who Estefanny was when I first met her, and I don’t recognize the person that she is today. She still struggles, but she has so learned to run to Jesus. I am so grateful that my baby girl, after spending so much time with no friends and having to learn to stand alone with Jesus, has finally found a circle of Christian friends within the church. That has been a prayer of several months answered. She dances with confidence and jokes and laughs and serves in the church—not even a shadow of the hurt and confused little one she was before. We’re not sure what’s going to happen with Fefi (as we affectionately call her). Her family has to move from their house in a couple days. She’ll be living in the same neighborhood in a rented house for a while, but her family is building a house on a property they’re buying, and that house will be far away from us. We’re not sure how that’s going to affect her involvement in church and in our family, but we trust that God is in control and knows best.
I continue to visit Jorge and Elvis. Currently, the idea is to try to get a court order so that they could leave the orphanage to spend Christmas with us, but that will depend on the directors, the social worker, and the court system.
Jonathan has been in Teen Challenge for eight months now, and while I can’t say I know him well enough to know what’s going on in his heart, I can say that God has His hand on him. Jonathan is the only one left of all of his room of four guys who did not escape from Teen Challenge. He had ample opportunity to leave with them, but he chose to stay and it’s for a reason.
Erick will finish his second year in Teen Challenge in February. He is doing incredibly well in school and may receive scholarships as a result. I had been thinking for quite some time about what was going to happen once he leaves Teen Challenge, and to be honest, I was worried. There is a part of his heart that does want to change, but he’s had several issues when he’s been on leave. The more I examined the situation, the more I recognized that placing him in his same environment from before he went to Teen Challenge would be setting him up for failure. But, I didn’t think I had an answer because I didn’t think I could handle another son living with me after so many extreme battles with Marvin and Josuan. But, Erick and his mom approached me about his living here whenever he gets out, and I would’ve immediately said no had it been six months ago. But, I recognize that a soul is at stake here. All of his friends from before have gotten out of jail and have been showing up to his house looking for him. If his mom is working, and he’s home alone, it’ll only be a matter of time before it’s too much pressure for him to withstand. He’s just as scared about falling into his old lifestyle and losing what he’s learned the past two years as his mom is. And, I recognize that if I don’t take him fresh out of Teen Challenge, it’s likely his mom will be calling me a month later wanting help because she’s lost him, which will be a much more difficult circumstance to come out of. So, I’m praying about it even though I already feel like I know the answer. “If you know the good you ought to do and don’t do it, that to you is sin.” I am mildly terrified about having another son living in the house just because I feel so unprepared. That was not my plan. But, I wasn’t fully prepared for Marvin, nor for Josuan, yet here we are, moving forward in God’s grace. I don’t think we’re ever fully prepared for God’s plans because they’re supernatural. We won’t feel perfectly assured of our preparation because that’s the purpose of intimacy; it’s not about us; it’s about Him.
There are more elements of this situation that I’m praying about, but I may share those later. For the moment, the current project is gathering a team to go to the streets on a weekly basis. The primary purpose is to bring light to the darkness through worship. Worship is the first priority followed by evangelism and bringing food to the needy. God has made it clear to me that wherever we worship, He’ll give us that spiritual territory and the souls within. He’s been teaching me that in ministry we often make the mistake of placing the souls as more important than the Soul Saver, and for that reason, we lead people to us and not to Him and see no lasting fruit or change. Often, we tell people on the streets, “seek God,” but how will they know how to seek God if we don’t show them? How will they meet the Holy Spirit if we don’t carry His presence to where they are? This is my current passion, and I am biting at the bit to get started, but there are doors that we need God to open. Raúl has been in the process of buying a van for the past six months, but the owner has hardened his heart and has been very unfair. We won’t all fit in my little car. I’m waiting to talk to the pastor of our church to see if he’d be open to some of his church members participating with us even if the work is not under the covering of his church. And there are also the finances of developing a feasible budget of gas and food to go on a weekly basis. But, it’s God’s vision, so He’ll birth it in His time.
On that note, I’ll leave you with some encouraging words from what I’m reading from Heidi Baker’s Birthing the Miraculous:
Some of you may have carried prophetic words for years, and yet have never stepped out into them because they seem too costly, too foolish, or too impossible. Maybe you do not feel you are prepared enough, or maybe you are afraid for anyone to know what you feel God said to you, be held responsible for acting on His words. Perhaps His promises come with such serious social stigma that you aren’t sure you really want to carry them. There may be a steep price for what God has placed inside you, but if you want Him, you will choose to pay it. You may have a whole bag of promises, but what are you going to do with them? Will you bear the possible reproach and carry to full term that which God put inside of you? It is easy to hear a great prophetic word but often costly and challenging to bring it to birth. God has predestined every single one of us for fruitfulness. . . . We need to be familiar with a place of divine intimacy in which we are so consumed by the Holy Spirit that we will nurture and protect the seed He places in us. We need to fearlessly step out and activate His promises. It is intimacy that gives us the grace and strength we need to push through suffering, pain, and inconvenience (16).
Here is a look at some of our pictures from the past several months:
It's been a long hiatus. I can assure you that blogging has been on my to-do list for months, but for lack of time and lack of inspiration, I kept silent. It’d be impossible to catch you up on all the things that have happened over the past several months, so I think I’ll just focus on where we are now.
I’ve been back from the States for a month and a half, and it’s been a process to put into practice what I learned while I was in the States. More than anything, God was able to show me my need to guard my heart, my time, and my needs. I am such a 100% or nothing kind of person. When I have a cause to work for, it consumes me. I love doing things well and whole-heartedly, but in the process, I often wear myself out or allow others to cross that sacred boundary of my time of intimacy with the Father. As a result, I get tired, and the oil in my lamp goes out.
While I was in the States, I attended the Iris Ministries Go Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. To be honest with you, that’s the biggest reason I returned to the States this year—because I was burnt-out and needed life and His presence so desperately. Being a missionary, you really can’t have a “spoon-feed-me” mentality as we as Christians often fall into in the routine of going to church, activities, etc. So many people depend on you to be the one feeding and discipling them. I am often surrounded by new, immature Christians, which, at times, makes it easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Going to that conference gave me so many answers that I had been waiting for. God healed wounds in my heart from letting myself get disconnected from the Vine of His presence, and He gave me a new mission and direction.
Many people ask me what a typical day in my life is like, and honestly, there is no typical day, and no day is that glamorous or exotic. I spend entire days doing loads of laundry by hand. I am a mom in every sense of the word even if it is to adopted, former street kid, teenage boys. I spend my days cleaning up after my children and furiously stewing because Marvin lazily tossed the silverware in the serving spoon drawer again and re-washing dishes that still have food stuck to them even after my children supposedly washed them. My grocery bills are outrageous because I have growing, teenage boys. And, most of my time is spent cleaning, cooking, and running errands. It’s “Mom! Pick me up at 2 for dance team practice,” and “Mom! I need a $100 dictionary for Bible class” and “Mom! My tool broke again! Can you go a third time this week to get it fixed?” My life is, “Mom! When are you going to the store again? We don’t have any apples” (when I went to the store and bought apples yesterday) and “Mom! Do I have to sweep today? I’ll do it tomorrow” (that’s what he said yesterday) and “Mom! Why did you make this for lunch instead of that” (after I spent my entire morning cooking). I’m 25, and I did not have the infant, toddler, kid, learning curve, and I cannot lie to you—there are days when Raúl comes to visit me, and all I can do is cry and let him hug me because I feel like I have no value other than what people can suck out of me. I am the bank. I am the chauffeur. I am the cook. I am the maid. I’m Mami.
And, if I have recognized nothing else about myself through all of this, it’s that I’m still a selfish person, and I still need a lot of grace. Ministry is not so much in what we do. It’s in presence and heart condition and attitude. It’s that question of, “Am I cursing Marvin again for lazily throwing the silverware in the wrong drawer and causing more work for me or am I delighted by the fact that God is using me to change my son’s life one day at a time even if it’s in the small things like cleaning up after him?” Regretfully, I’m still working on that attitude and heart condition part. The novelty of being a missionary has worn off. The novelty of Honduras and its culture has disappeared. The novelty of being a mom has dissipated after nearly two years. And, my attitude springs from that place of intimacy with Jesus or lack thereof. When I get tired, I get defensive and angry. When I get tired, I lose sight of the long-term vision and forget how far we’ve come. When I get tired, I lose hope and feel like I’m going to be fighting the same demons with my kids forever. And, it’s that same intimacy they have with God that determines much of how they relate to me. Are they selfish? Are they ungrateful? Are they struggling with how they view or talk about women? Are they angry? Are they judgmental? Are they demanding? Then they’re disconnected from the Vine, and THAT is my primary concern—not the symptoms. A common phrase in our house is, “I know you by your fruit,” which lets my kids know that their suffering relationship with God is showing through in their treatment of me.
That heart connection firstly with Jesus and secondly with each other is what really matters. My kids can get an education and eat well and sleep safely and learn a trade and get jobs, but if they lose sight of Jesus and His love for them, I have missed the vision. Ministry, even in family, is all about Jesus and intimacy with Jesus. It’s not enough to take them to church. It’s not enough to say, “Well, the pastor preached what they needed to hear.” What about my example? Am I showing them what life is really about—that it’s about intimacy with Jesus and listening to the Holy Spirit? I have seen changes in my kids according to my changes of dedicating more time to God and passing the tests of saying no to distractions or situations that want to steal that sacred, secret place. The atmosphere in my house is different with my kids when I set the tone of placing His presence first. My heart overflows with joy whenever I hear Josuan washing the dishes and praying in tongues, or I walk out of my bedroom to see Marvin kneeled at his bedside praying in the morning because they’ve seen me seek God first thing in the morning and heard me sing in tongues and put that emphasis on keeping my spirit connected to His.
And, I’m learning to place boundaries with my kids and others. To say no to that third trip to get that tool fixed when I’m already tired and frustrated. To say no to going to that second small group meeting for today so that I can rest at home. It’s not easy because people often react with demands and guilt trips. But, I am the only one who controls me, and they are the only ones who control how they choose to react to my boundaries. Even Jesus did not heal every sick person He saw. He only did what the Father led Him to do. And, often, He got away from the crowds to spend time with the Father.
Anyway, that’s what I’m in the process of learning. God’s always in the process of making heart changes within our family dynamic, so I’ll give you a little update on our family:
Raúl and I have been together as a couple since July. I won’t say that it’s been smooth sailing because we’re both broken people who have needed healing, but even when we have our big conflicts and breaking points, when we run to God for that healing, we have found that He brings us back together with new patience and compassion instead of pulling us apart. We’re both learning to love like Jesus and let Him be the one making our lives and vision and ministry mesh in unity without humanly forcing anything. God has worked absolute miracles in Raúl’s heart, to be honest with you. My sweetheart had such a broken heart protected by walls of stone, and he was determined for so long to not let anyone in. But, for this cause, and those kinds of hurt people, I am called. My entire family is full of broken, rescued people who have cost me tears and pain and cultivated a patience and endurance in me that I never knew I was capable of. They have brought me into deeper intimacy with Jesus because without Him, I couldn’t have held on. Just yesterday, Raúl was staring off into space, and I asked, “What are you thinking about?” And he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “I was this broken, damaged person who had separated myself from God’s presence and His love. But He sent this person to come alongside me and speak life and suffer patiently at my side, loving me like Jesus when I was so unlovable. And I will never forget that person. I will carry that person in my heart forever. And that was you.”
The dynamic between Raúl and my kids has been nothing short of a God-given miracle. When Marvin first came to live with me, Raúl and Marvin hated each other and had no problem stating how they felt about the other. Now, Marvin works at Raúl’s business, and when Marvin had a motor bike accident, the first person he called wasn’t me—it was Raúl. They laugh together. They joke together. Marvin gets up extra early to be the first person to help Raúl open the business, and Raúl will go out of his way to take care of Marvin (example being when he took him to the hospital after the accident…he’s fine by the way). I always knew that they’d eventually get along because they’re so alike—hyperactive, extroverted, attention-calling, hard workers. Josuan is always going to be more of a mama’s boy, but he also is learning how to relate better to Raúl even though their personalities are so different. He was just telling me yesterday how he was able to calm Raúl down when he was angry. My being away for a month in the States opened the door for those relationships to be cultivated more. Now, Raúl is part of our family, and I have someone to lean on. We face the conflicts together and consult each other about the business and the kids.
I look back at who Estefanny was when I first met her, and I don’t recognize the person that she is today. She still struggles, but she has so learned to run to Jesus. I am so grateful that my baby girl, after spending so much time with no friends and having to learn to stand alone with Jesus, has finally found a circle of Christian friends within the church. That has been a prayer of several months answered. She dances with confidence and jokes and laughs and serves in the church—not even a shadow of the hurt and confused little one she was before. We’re not sure what’s going to happen with Fefi (as we affectionately call her). Her family has to move from their house in a couple days. She’ll be living in the same neighborhood in a rented house for a while, but her family is building a house on a property they’re buying, and that house will be far away from us. We’re not sure how that’s going to affect her involvement in church and in our family, but we trust that God is in control and knows best.
I continue to visit Jorge and Elvis. Currently, the idea is to try to get a court order so that they could leave the orphanage to spend Christmas with us, but that will depend on the directors, the social worker, and the court system.
Jonathan has been in Teen Challenge for eight months now, and while I can’t say I know him well enough to know what’s going on in his heart, I can say that God has His hand on him. Jonathan is the only one left of all of his room of four guys who did not escape from Teen Challenge. He had ample opportunity to leave with them, but he chose to stay and it’s for a reason.
Erick will finish his second year in Teen Challenge in February. He is doing incredibly well in school and may receive scholarships as a result. I had been thinking for quite some time about what was going to happen once he leaves Teen Challenge, and to be honest, I was worried. There is a part of his heart that does want to change, but he’s had several issues when he’s been on leave. The more I examined the situation, the more I recognized that placing him in his same environment from before he went to Teen Challenge would be setting him up for failure. But, I didn’t think I had an answer because I didn’t think I could handle another son living with me after so many extreme battles with Marvin and Josuan. But, Erick and his mom approached me about his living here whenever he gets out, and I would’ve immediately said no had it been six months ago. But, I recognize that a soul is at stake here. All of his friends from before have gotten out of jail and have been showing up to his house looking for him. If his mom is working, and he’s home alone, it’ll only be a matter of time before it’s too much pressure for him to withstand. He’s just as scared about falling into his old lifestyle and losing what he’s learned the past two years as his mom is. And, I recognize that if I don’t take him fresh out of Teen Challenge, it’s likely his mom will be calling me a month later wanting help because she’s lost him, which will be a much more difficult circumstance to come out of. So, I’m praying about it even though I already feel like I know the answer. “If you know the good you ought to do and don’t do it, that to you is sin.” I am mildly terrified about having another son living in the house just because I feel so unprepared. That was not my plan. But, I wasn’t fully prepared for Marvin, nor for Josuan, yet here we are, moving forward in God’s grace. I don’t think we’re ever fully prepared for God’s plans because they’re supernatural. We won’t feel perfectly assured of our preparation because that’s the purpose of intimacy; it’s not about us; it’s about Him.
There are more elements of this situation that I’m praying about, but I may share those later. For the moment, the current project is gathering a team to go to the streets on a weekly basis. The primary purpose is to bring light to the darkness through worship. Worship is the first priority followed by evangelism and bringing food to the needy. God has made it clear to me that wherever we worship, He’ll give us that spiritual territory and the souls within. He’s been teaching me that in ministry we often make the mistake of placing the souls as more important than the Soul Saver, and for that reason, we lead people to us and not to Him and see no lasting fruit or change. Often, we tell people on the streets, “seek God,” but how will they know how to seek God if we don’t show them? How will they meet the Holy Spirit if we don’t carry His presence to where they are? This is my current passion, and I am biting at the bit to get started, but there are doors that we need God to open. Raúl has been in the process of buying a van for the past six months, but the owner has hardened his heart and has been very unfair. We won’t all fit in my little car. I’m waiting to talk to the pastor of our church to see if he’d be open to some of his church members participating with us even if the work is not under the covering of his church. And there are also the finances of developing a feasible budget of gas and food to go on a weekly basis. But, it’s God’s vision, so He’ll birth it in His time.
On that note, I’ll leave you with some encouraging words from what I’m reading from Heidi Baker’s Birthing the Miraculous:
Some of you may have carried prophetic words for years, and yet have never stepped out into them because they seem too costly, too foolish, or too impossible. Maybe you do not feel you are prepared enough, or maybe you are afraid for anyone to know what you feel God said to you, be held responsible for acting on His words. Perhaps His promises come with such serious social stigma that you aren’t sure you really want to carry them. There may be a steep price for what God has placed inside you, but if you want Him, you will choose to pay it. You may have a whole bag of promises, but what are you going to do with them? Will you bear the possible reproach and carry to full term that which God put inside of you? It is easy to hear a great prophetic word but often costly and challenging to bring it to birth. God has predestined every single one of us for fruitfulness. . . . We need to be familiar with a place of divine intimacy in which we are so consumed by the Holy Spirit that we will nurture and protect the seed He places in us. We need to fearlessly step out and activate His promises. It is intimacy that gives us the grace and strength we need to push through suffering, pain, and inconvenience (16).
Here is a look at some of our pictures from the past several months:
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| One of Josuan's works to sell after buying him his own tools |
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| Estefanny being baptized |
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| Marvin on a trip to Oropoli to visit Josuan's grandparents
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| A group of women with whom I had the privilege of ministering at a women's conference
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Sunday, September 21, 2014
I Still Say Yes
Hello all,
I know that it's been far too long since I last updated, and I do plan to write a real update sometime soon when I get around to it. But, for the moment, on this eve of my returning to Honduras after having been in the States for a month, I just want to share a few thoughts:
When I moved to Honduras three years ago, I don't remember shedding a single tear even after saying goodbye to my parents and siblings and childhood home and college friends and having no idea when I'd see them again. I shed my skin of childhood toys and old photographs, close friendships and precious memories, and I didn't look back. I was 22 and full of zeal and vision and purpose as a missionary. I was excited to see what God could do with my little life in a foreign land that felt like home.
Now, that I have been a missionary three years and become a mom and the novelty of tajadas and Spanish and the fear of traffic has totally worn off, I find I can't contain the tears of goodbye. I return to my hometowns and see my friends buying houses and having babies. I visit my extended family and see my cousins growing taller and making big life steps, and I see my grandparents growing older. And, I know that this is time I will never get back. Life does go on when I am not here.
In this short month, God has taken me to new places and old places, and I feel like He's shown me everything that my life could be--the jobs I could have, the homes I could live in, the streets I could walk, the foods I could eat, the conveniences I could enjoy, the accolades I could receive, and the community and family I could be a part of. And He says so kindly, so gently to me, "You know, I will never love you any more or any less for where or how you choose to live. You are my child, and I delight in you regardless of your choices. You do not have to choose My plan."
And, He doesn't let me idealize my return to Honduras, because I've had to deal with rocky situations with my kids and relationships even from afar. He won't let me convince myself that life there is easier or friendlier or more exciting. I will still haul water to bathe from a bucket instead of taking a hot shower. I will still have to discipline my former street kids and fight old demons beside them. I will still have to stand confident in my value in Christ Jesus in a culture that often defines women as largely purposeless or with little value. I will still have to fight to protect the sacredness of my relationship with the Holy Spirit and our precious time together in a land where needs never end, and people never stop seeking you out for what you have and not who you are.
I look at what could have been and still could be, and I look at what is and the reality I have lived for three years. I have faced challenges I never dreamed I could overcome. I have lived on the edge of myself, waiting to fall off. I have stared death in the face and have seen angels by my side. There are no illusions about the battles that await me and the suffering at hand. And, my Jesus looks at me with eyes of love and says, "Now that you know fully what you're getting yourself into, what do you choose?" And, all I can do is mourn the time lost and the Stateside friendships fading, feel that pain of loss and let the tears fall as I sing my answer in prostrate awe:
Let this be a sacrifice; let me dedicate my life to worship You. I'm a lover of Your presence. That's all I want to be. My passion's burning deep inside; You're all that really satisfies. I'm a lover of Your presence. That's all I want to be. I was made for love. I was made for love. I was made for loving You.
And I whisper, "I still say yes to Your Kingdom and Your country in Honduras because the Lamb of God who gave it all for me is so worthy. But, please show me how."
He reminds me of His Word:
There is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mothers or fathers or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time... Mark 10:29-30
And answers, "My child, just worship through it. Worship to your breakthrough. I will turn your mourning into dancing."
He lifts me to my feet and says, "Now, sing this:"
You make me brave. You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shores into the waves. You make me brave. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made a way. You make me brave. You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises You made.
So, I stand and proclaim the truth He's given me even when it doesn't feel true. I lift my hands high to the heavens, and I tell God over and over, "Thank You for this privilege of laying down my little life. I do it for You."
So, I return refreshed, revived, ready. Since the days of the early New Testament church, the mark of a true missionary was passion--not for programs or numbers of souls saved or instant gratification fruit to put on display. It wasn't learning a new language or raising funding or having a five-year plan. It was just a deep realization of the worthiness of the Lamb and being deeply in love with a perfect Savior to the point that no detail of life was too big or too small to lavish in anointing oil onto the feet of Jesus. Is it any wonder that Peter and so many others were martyred? They were lovesick for the Savior who gave their little lives more value than they ever could have imagined. How could they deny the One who made them worthy? That's the kind of missionary I want to be. I want Him to consider me a trusted friend. Fruit and saved souls is a product of intimacy with the Beloved because only He can teach us how to receive and give Love. I wish to deny Him nothing no matter the cost, not from a heart of abuse, slavery, guilt, or obligation but from a heart in awe of the One who makes me eternally worthy. It's the greatest adventure to live, the only way that's made life worth living. May I never tire of loving Him with everything.
All of my love,
Sarah
I know that it's been far too long since I last updated, and I do plan to write a real update sometime soon when I get around to it. But, for the moment, on this eve of my returning to Honduras after having been in the States for a month, I just want to share a few thoughts:
When I moved to Honduras three years ago, I don't remember shedding a single tear even after saying goodbye to my parents and siblings and childhood home and college friends and having no idea when I'd see them again. I shed my skin of childhood toys and old photographs, close friendships and precious memories, and I didn't look back. I was 22 and full of zeal and vision and purpose as a missionary. I was excited to see what God could do with my little life in a foreign land that felt like home.
Now, that I have been a missionary three years and become a mom and the novelty of tajadas and Spanish and the fear of traffic has totally worn off, I find I can't contain the tears of goodbye. I return to my hometowns and see my friends buying houses and having babies. I visit my extended family and see my cousins growing taller and making big life steps, and I see my grandparents growing older. And, I know that this is time I will never get back. Life does go on when I am not here.
In this short month, God has taken me to new places and old places, and I feel like He's shown me everything that my life could be--the jobs I could have, the homes I could live in, the streets I could walk, the foods I could eat, the conveniences I could enjoy, the accolades I could receive, and the community and family I could be a part of. And He says so kindly, so gently to me, "You know, I will never love you any more or any less for where or how you choose to live. You are my child, and I delight in you regardless of your choices. You do not have to choose My plan."
And, He doesn't let me idealize my return to Honduras, because I've had to deal with rocky situations with my kids and relationships even from afar. He won't let me convince myself that life there is easier or friendlier or more exciting. I will still haul water to bathe from a bucket instead of taking a hot shower. I will still have to discipline my former street kids and fight old demons beside them. I will still have to stand confident in my value in Christ Jesus in a culture that often defines women as largely purposeless or with little value. I will still have to fight to protect the sacredness of my relationship with the Holy Spirit and our precious time together in a land where needs never end, and people never stop seeking you out for what you have and not who you are.
I look at what could have been and still could be, and I look at what is and the reality I have lived for three years. I have faced challenges I never dreamed I could overcome. I have lived on the edge of myself, waiting to fall off. I have stared death in the face and have seen angels by my side. There are no illusions about the battles that await me and the suffering at hand. And, my Jesus looks at me with eyes of love and says, "Now that you know fully what you're getting yourself into, what do you choose?" And, all I can do is mourn the time lost and the Stateside friendships fading, feel that pain of loss and let the tears fall as I sing my answer in prostrate awe:
Let this be a sacrifice; let me dedicate my life to worship You. I'm a lover of Your presence. That's all I want to be. My passion's burning deep inside; You're all that really satisfies. I'm a lover of Your presence. That's all I want to be. I was made for love. I was made for love. I was made for loving You.
And I whisper, "I still say yes to Your Kingdom and Your country in Honduras because the Lamb of God who gave it all for me is so worthy. But, please show me how."
He reminds me of His Word:
There is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mothers or fathers or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time... Mark 10:29-30
And answers, "My child, just worship through it. Worship to your breakthrough. I will turn your mourning into dancing."
He lifts me to my feet and says, "Now, sing this:"
You make me brave. You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shores into the waves. You make me brave. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made a way. You make me brave. You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises You made.
So, I stand and proclaim the truth He's given me even when it doesn't feel true. I lift my hands high to the heavens, and I tell God over and over, "Thank You for this privilege of laying down my little life. I do it for You."
So, I return refreshed, revived, ready. Since the days of the early New Testament church, the mark of a true missionary was passion--not for programs or numbers of souls saved or instant gratification fruit to put on display. It wasn't learning a new language or raising funding or having a five-year plan. It was just a deep realization of the worthiness of the Lamb and being deeply in love with a perfect Savior to the point that no detail of life was too big or too small to lavish in anointing oil onto the feet of Jesus. Is it any wonder that Peter and so many others were martyred? They were lovesick for the Savior who gave their little lives more value than they ever could have imagined. How could they deny the One who made them worthy? That's the kind of missionary I want to be. I want Him to consider me a trusted friend. Fruit and saved souls is a product of intimacy with the Beloved because only He can teach us how to receive and give Love. I wish to deny Him nothing no matter the cost, not from a heart of abuse, slavery, guilt, or obligation but from a heart in awe of the One who makes me eternally worthy. It's the greatest adventure to live, the only way that's made life worth living. May I never tire of loving Him with everything.
All of my love,
Sarah
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Learning to Rest and Receive
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| Elvis, Jorge, me, Estefanny, and Josuan visiting in El Buen Pastor
Hello All, I’m not really sure where to begin. The two months that have elapsed since the last time I updated were full of lessons and difficulties I never really expected, but here we are, still moving forward in God’s grace. I find myself in a place of transition and renewal, of asking questions and taking some time to just breathe. Every time I pray about where I am spiritually, God gives me a mental image of a tree burning. Everything dry and useless smolders, but beneath that waste, new, green buds cling to life. So, it’s a time of growing, stretching, and purification. It’s not easy, and there are days where I really want to lose all hope. But, just as my kids have done so often in the past, I grab hold of Philippians 1:6: …being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. In April and May, I went through some major problems with Marvin. It was some of the greatest evidence I’ve ever experienced of the truth that we don’t battle against flesh and blood. Without going into detail, let me just say that whatever we carry within, whether hurt or fear, anger or unforgiveness, will come out at some point in time no matter how hard we try to sweep it under the rug. This is the point of fellowship. We bump into each other. We expose each other’s weaknesses and pain. And, how we react to that revelation determines major questions of who we are and who we’ll be. I could spend this entire update complaining about Marvin’s behavior and how difficult it’s been to discipline him and hold strong in the midst of so much spiritual oppression, but the bottom line is that each one of my kids exposes my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my desperate need for God’s grace. I am so in need of a Savior—a Rescuer from past pain, a Defender in present conflicts, and a Fountain of love that deposits water of life to sustain me even when thoughts of the future overwhelm me. Needless to say, my time with Marvin has been eye-opening in revealing my own need for more faith, more courage, and more understanding of my own value as a daughter of the King. In the meantime, Marvin is improving. I am so proud of how he has taken responsibility for his Bible school studies. Whereas before I was constantly on his case about his homework, he now readily keeps track of what is due when, and he diligently does his work. While I won’t say his grades are perfect or that he studies for all of his tests, I will gladly accept the independence he is exhibiting in managing his own deadlines. His attitude and his approach to various situations are also improving. Sometimes, he gets so frustrated with himself because just like his mama, he never wants to fail, and it’s hard for him to accept when he does. Marvin reminds me so much of myself when I was younger, which I know God utilizes to help me understand him. There are weeks where all we do is argue, but little by little, our relationship is improving, and even those pieces of advice I thought had gone in one ear and out the other are starting to seek deep into Marvin’s heart to change his behavior. It’s a beautiful work that only God can do. And, time and time again, God reminds me that my job is NOT to change my children. It is simply to love them wherever they are in their process of realizing they are not orphans but sons of the Most High. Please keep Marvin and myself in your prayers. It’s not easy for my kid either, and he has packed his bags to leave at least three times. But, here we continue.
In the meantime, we are finally making progress on the food trailer. The repairs should be done as of this week, and I have already talked to the ladies who will also work with Marvin in the business. As soon as the trailer is fully finished, we should be in business…which I know I’ve said for the past six months—welcome to Honduras and Honduran time.
In May, Josuan finished his year in Teen Challenge. We had both been counting down the days until he’d be home, and now that he is, he is a great help for me and for Marvin. Basically, from the time he gets up until the time he goes to sleep, he finds ways to serve me, help me, and make my life easier. This is such a relief I can’t begin to explain. While he had a job lined up in a carpentry shop, that job seems to have fallen through, so we’re working with Raúl to buy him his own carpentry tools so that he can work on his own or in collaboration with Raúl’s brother, Walter. He also recently started an online English course through a governmental educational institute. He won’t start studying in high school once again until next year due to the fact that the school year goes from February to November, and he couldn’t start classes in the middle of the year. While it may seem small, he also bought his own bicycle as transportation to his work from money that he had saved from making and selling bracelets. I mention this because it was the largest purchase he had ever made that was spent on something other than drugs. This milestone makes me very proud. |
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| Josuan's bike |
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| Erick participating in a drama in Teen Challenge |
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| Bladimir with his baptism certificate in April |
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| Jonathan, Marvin's brother, with his baptism certificate |
Bladimir’s exit leaves only Jonathan (Marvin’s brother) and Erick in Teen Challenge. I still don’t feel like I know Jonathan that well, but from what his leaders say, he is well-behaved. He is recently excited because he is taking a baking course being offered in Teen Challenge. Just like Marvin, he is incredibly hyperactive and a clown, but he seems to get along with everyone and easily meshes in our family. I don’t get the sense that he and Marvin are too close as they used to be. It’s difficult for Marvin to see his family more active in visiting or asking about Jonathan than they were for him. But, to give myself a relief and also to give Jonathan a chance to build a better relationship with his family, I have started going every other week and sending Marvin’s mother the Sundays that we don’t go. That way, they can receive God’s Word and Jonathan can receive a visit from the people he wants to see the most. Jonathan has been in Teen Challenge going on two months, and he’ll have his first leave in the end of July.
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| Estefanny--she loves being called "princess" Estefanny is struggling but we continue to fight for her. Her high school is full of old temptations, and she often feels very alone with no good Christian friends. She is learning to develop a closer walk with the Holy Spirit, but sometimes the ways of the world pull her away. Praying for Estefanny (or Fefi as we affectionately call her) one day, God showed me a vision of a piece of cloth wrapped around her arm. Sometimes, the cloth got caught on something of this world or someone grabbed onto it and tried to pull her away. But, God had her grasped so tightly by her other hand that even when she was pulled away briefly, she could never stray completely from her Heavenly Father. And, eventually a soft breeze unraveled the cloth from her arm, and this was no longer a problem. This is a great consolation for me because sometimes, I don’t know what else to do. Her family isn’t always as involved as I wish they would be. And, she is struggling greatly with her grades in her classes. She loves Jesus, and He calls her back again and again, but her environment seems so impossible at times. Please pray for a breakthrough for Estefanny, that God would make the escapes from temptation evident and would give her a vision of a bright future. She is often lacking a goal or a dream worth living and fighting for.
In the past couple of months, I’ve had some good conversations with Jorge that have surprised me. He is usually very hard to reach or get to open up, but in the past couple of months, he has expressed himself much more readily. He has a good friendship with the pastor of the orphanage, and I have been so blessed to see his spiritual growth. In a visit in April, he told me, “Sometimes, it’s really hard to be here, and I feel bad. Sometimes, I want to run away because I feel lonely. But when I feel that way, I’m learning that I can talk to God just like my best friend. That makes me feel better, so I stay.” He has a lot of hidden hurt as his mom and sister struggle with street life and drug addiction, but I believe that God has Jorge in the palm of His hand. I hope to one day be a support and provide a sense of family for Jorge when he leaves El Buen Pastor, and I was surprised to hear him make the comment that he hopes to be able to be part of our family when he leaves. We just keep loving and stopping for the people God puts in our family, and we trust that He'll use that love to mend their broken hearts.
As a result of Raúl’s life changes, Jonathan, one of the boys who works with Raúl has also rededicated his life to Jesus and started going to church. Jonathan struggles with drug addiction, but our family is doing our best to come alongside him and Raúl to be a source of encouragement and fellowship. |
Baptisms of the Teen Challenge boys (Josuan, Erick, Jonathan, and Bladimir) in April
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| Josuan being baptized |
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| Josuan with his baptism certificate |
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| Erick and his baptism certificate |
Vacation to the North coast of Honduras (Tela, Triunfo de la Cruz, and La Ceiba) during Easter Week with Raúl, our friend and neighbor, Darcy, Marvin, and Alexis, a volunteer from Canada who was visiting.
It was my first time visiting the north coast, and it was beautiful. I am always so blessed that God brings me to the ocean when I need to be reminded of His faithfulness and consistency.
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| Marvin enjoying his second experience at the ocean |
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| Alexis, me, and Raúl at Triunfo de la Cruz |
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| Darcy |
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| Beautiful |
Estefanny’s 14th Birthday
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| Fefi and Jonathan--they covered her in icing! |
Dad and Samuel’s Visit
We had a great visit with my dad and Samuel in May. It was so great to be able to share my Honduran family with my US family, and my kids were thrilled to meet their grandfather and uncle. They provided a wonderful support while they were here and were able to love this very tired mama back to life. We took them to visit Jorge and Elvis and to Teen Challenge and painted the house and started a garden. But, mostly, we just spent time building relationship, which is often what we need here the most. It was an encouragement for Marvin and Josuan to feel loved and approved by my dad. And I can guarantee that Jorge and Elvis will ask about my dad and Samuel from now on. I hope that we were also a blessing to them. It was so nice to have them here and to have familiar faces to celebrate my birthday (and Raúl's) with me.
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| Fefi and Mami |
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| Uncle Sam holding Josuan like a baby |
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| Estefanny and Elvis |
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| Jorge, Tío Sam, Fefi, Josuan, and Elvis |
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| Dad in Teen Challenge |
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| Tío Sam, Jonathan, Abuelo Joe, and Josuan |
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| Mami Yessi and I |
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| Estefanny and Josuan |
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| Mami Yessi and her son, Cristofer |
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| Lilli and Dad (She is the child Mom and Dad have sponsored through Manos Extendidas for several years.) |
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| Lilli, Samuel, and Dad |
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| Lilli, me, and Dad |
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| Family hike up the mountain |
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| Marvelous Marvin and Abuelo Joe |
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| Happy to see those smiling faces |
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| Elvis and I |
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| How many Honduran boys does it take to take down one gringo? |
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| Josuan, Elvis, Tío Sam, Jorge, Abuelo Joe, and Estefanny |
My Birthday
I feel like 25 crept up on me, but it was a restful day. Raúl showed up at 4 in the morning with flowers, a giant gift, and a group serenading me, and he brought his family over in the evening for a surprise birthday party. It was nice to be able to introduce Dad and Samuel to his family since they’ve been a support for me.
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| Birthday celebration |
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| Icing fights with Raúl. I think he won. |
Personally, this time has been one of waiting for new direction. At the moment, I am not considering sending any more boys to Teen Challenge (unless God has other plans, of course). Teen Challenge has been a wonderful place that most definitely helped my boys, and I’ve been so grateful for the support system it has been for us. However, even the pastor readily states that T.Ch. is not the best place for kids coming directly off of the streets, and that it the population that weighs the most heavily on my heart. If I can be a liaison for families interested in sending their youth to T.Ch., I will gladly help. But, I want to turn more of my attention to how God would have me work with the street kids even if I don’t have anywhere to take them for the time being.
With that said, I don’t want to do anything without first taking the time to receive God’s strategy. Before my dad and my brother came and Josuan came home, I had let myself get so exhausted and empty. I didn’t feel like a person anymore. I was just whatever anyone needed me to be, and I didn’t even know how to have preferences anymore. This is a dangerous place to be in ministry and is definitely not the ideal. So, I’ve been taking some time to just be refilled and recharged. A lot of people don’t understand this and get frustrated because it often means I have to sit down, be quiet, and not run to the aid of every person who is convinced that I’m the one to help them. Sometimes, I’m the one who needs help and needs love and needs rest. It’s hard for me not to fall into the trap of letting ministry be dictated by the needs of others. The needs will always be there and ever-increasing. Thus, I have to let obedience to God dictate ministry. It comes back to stopping for the One who is the One. The whole point of life is intimacy with Jesus, and when we leave that part out, we bear no fruit. And, I've been pleasantly surprised to hear God ask me, "What is the desire of your heart?" This lets me know that while my aim is always to obey, that He does give me permission to dream and long for the very things He placed in my heart even if I haven't seen them yet.
Currently, the only direction I have is worship. God has been showing me that where I choose to put Him first and where I worship Him, He will give me that spiritual territory and the people in it. This is a novel approach since it outwardly makes no sense, doesn’t fit a five-year plan with a projection of results, etc., but He showed me so clearly that where my family worships, angels are beckoned to break strongholds in people who have long been in bondage. (It’s no wonder God granted me a family of worshippers.) So, this past Monday, we went exactly where God showed me— to the center where the street kids hang out, in front of a statue of an angel stomping Satan to the ground, in a courtyard of a famous Catholic church, and worshipped. We weren’t a big group—just Marvin, Josuan, Darcy, and myself. And we weren’t aiming to call attention (although with my being a gringa that seems sadly inevitable). We just stopped for the One and afterward stopped for any ones that God laid on our hearts. I have a feeling that this wasn’t the last time we’ll be doing this. God keeps telling me, “You need to learn what it means to be desperate. So, go and be with the desperate that they may teach you.” So, I’m aiming to go lower with no strategy but intimacy with Jesus and no agenda but the simple gospel of stop for the One and stop for the one.
I want to leave you with some thought-provoking things I’ve been reading:
From Supernatural Anointing by Julia Loren:
Also, when it comes to missions, what we have done is we tried to achieve something you can only receive. . . . Everything in the Kingdom can only be received, not achieved. One key to the anointing is learning to be a good receiver. There is a connection with the anointing and the presence of God where there is rest. That’s how we’re going to wear the enemy out, because resting is receiving. . . . You say, “Papa, I don’t know how to do this.” And He says, “Good, then you’re qualified. Then you need My anointing.” (204-205).
From The Road to Daybreak by Henri Nouwen:
Jesus always leads us to littleness. It is the place where misery and mercy meet. It is the place where we encounter God. . . . To choose the little people, the little joys, the little sorrows, and to trust that it is there that God will come close—that is the hard way of Jesus. . . . I now see clearly why action without prayer is so fruitless. It is only in and through prayer that we can become intimately connected with Jesus and find strength to join him on his way. (88-89).
God reveals his glory by moving downward. If we truly want to see the glory of God, we must move downward with Jesus. This is the deepest reason for living in solidarity with poor, oppressed, and handicapped people. They are the ones through whom God’s glory can manifest itself to us. They show us the way to God, the way to salvation. (98).
All of my love,
Sarah
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