Dying Star

Hello to anyone still reading!
Well, I took a much-needed hiatus from blogging to settle in to school and try to adjust. It is never easy. I had my one day home to pack, and I have been at Shepherd for a little over a week. For the first few days, it was all I could do to keep from having an emotional breakdown in the middle of class or whatever public place I was in. This semester is academically and in terms of work, the easiest I have ever had. I have free time, and I feel like I'm wandering around as a lost person because of that free time. Last semester, I had 20 hours of credit and held three jobs. It is quite a shift for me. Thus, in addition to feeling the huge sense of loss from leaving Honduras, I also felt a strong loss of identity and self. Whether I mean to or not, I too often define myself and my value by what I do.

Last year, God made it very clear that I had filled my time unnecessarily, that I was trying to operate within doing my own "good" things instead of surrendering my precious time for His best purposes. Thus, I decided not to return to the Resident Assistant job or work for The Picket, Shepherd's newspaper, any longer. Just because I only had two required classes for this semester before student teaching, I am taking classes that are easier and interest me--Painting II, Sign Language I, and Women's Self-defense. I love all of my classes, but I am unaccustomed to having free time. I am not the kind of person who knows how to relax. I am always busy, always doing something. Thus, my loss of identity as a hard worker, as an RA, etc. was quite overwhelming. On my first day of class, I just told God that I felt lost, like an alien in my own country, etc., and I went for a run. During that run, the song "Dying Star" by Jason Upton came on my IPod.

I have gotten stuck on that song so many times in the past couple years, but once again, it spoke to me. I would highly recommend looking it up if you've never heard it because it is one of the most powerful, convicting songs I've ever heard. Some of the lyrics that stand out in this unusual, prophetic song are:
I was just hanging out with the Lord one day, and I said, Lord, I want to be a part of Your army. . . . I want to be a part of that generation that You raise up, and the Lord just sang this over me. He said:
You got your best men on your front side. You always show your best side. Evil's always on the other side. You say this is your strategy. Son, I hope you'll take it from Me. You look just like your enemy. You're full of pride. You're full of pride. Better trash our idols if we're gonna be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. We better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So we trash our idols cause we want to be in the army of the Lord.

Whatever You want, oh God. No battle was ever won in the entire Bible by anyone but our Lord. It's not good music that breaks the yoke. It's the anointing of Jesus that breaks the yoke and sets us free, oh God. All through the Bible, God used people who didn't have a clue, who didn't have all the answers. They didn't really know anything. They had no strategy. Their only strategy was looking up to heaven and saying, "My eyes are on you. My eyes are on You. My eyes are on You."

Star, how beautiful you shine. You shine more beautiful than Mine. You shine from sea to shining sea. Worldwide is your strategy. Shining star, I hope you see that if the whole wide world is staring straight at you, they can't see Me. They can't see Me. I want them to know Me, but they can't see Me. I want them to know Me. I want to show My glory, but they can't see Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your fantasy. Think that you're better than Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your man-made religiosity. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your strategies. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. So the world can see just another dying star.

Better trash our idols if we're going to be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. Better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So I trash my idols cause I want to be in the army of the Lord. In the army of the Lord. Raise up an army. Raise up an army. Raise up an army, oh God. There's no room for idolatry in the army of the Lord. There's no room for man-pleasing in the army of the Lord. Raise us up, oh God.

Break it off of us right now. Break it off of us right now. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me.

God began to remind me as I was listening to this song and running that I am right in the middle of His purposes. He told me in Mexico that this was the year that He would be teaching me how to share with others, how to lose it all, how to be unselfish, and how to be a humble servant. He chooses the least of these, and I so desire only to the be the least of these in His kingdom. He has made it clear to me that if I want to be first in the kingdom of God, I have to be content on my knees, broken, crying out in helplessness to Him. My first desire and focus has to be on Him, and I have to be willing to lose all of myself. The lines that I bolded are the ones that stand out the most for me. That word "strategy" was highly convicting for me. I am a list maker. I make a new to-do list every couple of days, and before I returned to the US, I made a list of people that I could reach out to and ways that I could help or bless people. It seems so silly, I know. And as that word "strategy" came up, God reminded me of that list--essentially a list for how I could keep busy, a strategy--and He made it clear that I am supposed to feel lost. I am supposed to have free time. I am not supposed to have a strategy, even if it is a strategy for "good" things. The good things that stem from my own mind are the very thing that distract me from His best. My eyes are only meant to be on Him and not even on others for the purpose of serving them.

I recently watched the movie, Inception, and I loved it. I like any movie that causes me to think, but it was especially appropriate for my current place in life. As was also the case last summer, God brought Romans 12 to my mind during my time of adjustment to the US. I may have included it in previous blogs, but it is so powerful and appropriate, I'll include it again because I believe that it is the plea of God to the US, and it is certainly God's direction for me:

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. . . . Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

The idea behind Inception is essentially the questioning of reality as it is a movie that deals with dreams. Every time I return from Honduras, I am faced with that question of reality because the reality that I live when I am in Honduras is completely different from the reality of the United States. Every time I go to Honduras, I find that I come back even more mellow and even less likely to worry about things that the average person worries about in the United States. Seeing how people live with very little or must endure situations that they literally have no means of helping makes the majority of the gripes of the US so trivial. All they can do is give the problem to God, and because that has been my reality among them, I find that it is more often my first response when I first return although I still have my times of unnecessary worry.

The point that I make with all of these scattered thoughts is this: The world I see around me is not reality. In every moment, in every place that I am, I have the choice to view the world through the perspective of flawed humans to create a worldly reality, or I can choose to look through God's perfect perspective to see the reality of His Kingdom. In His reality, I can see Jesus in every single person. In His reality, the only strategy is His best--the loss of self, looking to Him, and unconsciously displaying His glory. In His reality, every situation--seemingly bad or not--is worked for His good. If I only have one year left here in the US, and realistically, if I only have one short life to live, I want to live every moment in His reality--no distractions, no veering into my own perspective, no wasting of time, no blind complacency.

I have been praying that God would grant me a humble heart, and during my time in Honduras, it became clear that for me that means learning to accept the grace of God and the nothingness of myself--for me, learning to have a humble heart means that I have to learn to stop running to Him with my "good" offerings of help and service. Having a humble heart for me (and all of us, really) means just what it says in Romans 12--embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Accepting help is very difficult for me because it means vulnerability. In Honduras, Roy and I spent the summer basically struggling over who could serve each other more. We are both very stubborn people, and neither of us really likes to accept help because we're so dedicated and accustomed to being the one serving. We're always trying to be more accommodating for the other person. I had to learn through our interactions that it brings Roy immense joy to serve and help me, just as it brings me immense joy to serve and help him. When I reject his loving help out of pride or fear of vulnerability, I hurt him because by rejecting his help, an extension of him, I am also rejecting him. It works the same way with God. When I reject God's help or when I simply get so busy trying to serve Him that I don't even notice what He is doing for me (and in spite of my ignoring Him), I reject Him, and this hurts Him. We are His children, and it brings Him great joy to lavish His love and His goodness onto us. We just have to have the sense and the humility to accept it.

I have also been praying for a long time that God would teach me how to witness and reach others with His love. And what He has been saying to me since I've been back in the US is that it is not my conscious work. If I want to reach others with His love, I have to learn how to accept His love, to truly be saturated with His love so that it can spill onto others (often without my knowledge). I have to learn to accept His every good gift and allow Him to have all of the glory. I have to learn to let Him heal me from the inside out. I have to accept His gift of nothingness, His gift of free time, and His gift of humility. And, as with every gift from God, after I accept it (and for me, learning to truly allow it to saturate my being is the most difficult), I have to offer it back up to Him as an offering.

When I keep all of this in mind, my life is the greatest adventure because it is not my life--it is His, and He can do whatever He wants with it. Even though I miss Honduras greatly, I am so excited to be back because this is obviously where He has me. I want Him to have His way.

Anyway, I recently met with my advisor and found out some news that initially had me in one of those phases of unnecessary worry. Last year, the state of West Virginia changed the standards for Spanish education and required that before I graduate, I have to pass an oral Spanish proficiency interview and receive a score of Advanced Low. I took it last year when I first had returned from Honduras. Although I practiced with my advisor and he felt sure I would receive the score I needed, when I was actually interviewed by telephone by the tester, I was two levels short of what I needed. Initially, I was quite crushed, but I later realized that once again, God has a purpose for everything. This "failure" was essentially the only reason that I applied for the scholarship to the language school in Mexico. If I would've gotten the score I needed, I never would have felt it necessary to go to language school at all, and I would have missed out on an amazing, God-granted experience. Well, they once again changed the standard, and thus, instead of having to get that score before I graduate which gives me more time to re-take it, I have to receive that score before I will be permitted to even apply to student teach--September 22 is the deadline. I looked at the website to schedule my interview, and I found out that if I still don't receive the score I need, I can't re-take it for 90 days--missing the deadline to apply to student teach and essentially keeping me from graduating on time. After three years of intense work and good grades and fulfilled requirements, one 20-minute conversation in Spanish on the telephone with a total stranger determines whether or not I graduate on time. This is absolutely hilarious to me since I don't even plan to teach Spanish in West Virginia, and I don't even need my teaching certification for the direction and place my life is going. From the world's reality, that is incredibly stressful and seems wildly unfair. (I hate standardizing testing anyway.) But even as I was feeling the weight of that paralyzing stress yesterday morning, God quietly asked me, "In whose hands are you? In whose hands is this test?" His. The answer has to be His. Thus, whether or not I get the score that I need, whether or not I graduate on time, whether or not I ever receive my fancy academic piece of paper, I am in His hands. Why should I ever worry? I only want His glory anyway. But, it is something to pray about if you wouldn't mind.

Thanks for reading!

Until next time,
Sarah