It has been quite a while since I last updated, and in such a short time (as it always seems to be here), my life has turned upside down. To start, since we’re now in a new year, I’ll give you an update on some of the people who have been a reoccurring part of my story here.
Quendy: She returned to us with her five-month old baby just last month. She was ditched by her second live-in boyfriend. He brought her to our house and left her with her clothes. Since then, he has returned, repentant and wanting her back, but we’re fighting for Quendy’s life especially since this man has been physically abusive to her in the past. Quendy is learning how to live as a single woman, and she recently (with the help of Mami Nelly) started a small business making pastries to sell to people in our neighborhood. She’s done well so far, and the goal is to set her up living in a rented room with her brother.
Mayra: It has been fun watching Quendy and Mayra together again. Out of all of the girls, they’re the ones who have always been the most like sisters. And, no matter how much time passes (and the fact that Mayra is actually younger than Quendy), they resume their roles as big sister (Mayra) and little sister (Quendy) quite easily. Mayra is the little boss who helps Quendy with the pastry business. The goal is also push Mayra to be more independent financially as well. Currently, she is studying in the same high school she studied in before she ran away from the Eagle’s Nest. It’s amazing to see how much has changed and how fast time passes but to know that God is constantly working on them.
Claudia: We don’t really know anything about Claudia. She did call Raúl not too long ago (all of the girls still look to Raúl as their big brother for advice and support) and mentioned that she now had a baby.
Blanca: She is currently living with her grandmother again in the south of the country. She was in a center, Casa Alianza, and was studying. She has mentioned returning to the center, so it is possible that she already has.
Kimberli: She is living with her sister, Bessy, and brother-in-law, Carlitos. From what I understand, she is also studying. I see her from time to time at church.
Bladimir: After living with Raúl and working for him for nearly two months, he left of his own volition. Raúl had provided him with clothes, shoes, food, and a place to stay as well as a job and activities to occupy his time. But, Raúl’s obvious rule was that he wasn’t going to do drugs and live/work with him. Raúl had plenty of mercy and patience with him, but at the end of the day, Bladi didn’t want to conform to the rules and left. He now comes to Alvin and Nelly’s house for food and to visit often. I’m not really sure where he’s living, but he’s hanging around with Orlin and doing drugs. There’s still hope for this precious, lost little boy. Keep praying for him with us, please.
Orlin: Orlin was in a center for rehabilitation, Teen Challenge, where he was doing well. But, after roughly two months, he escaped. Now, he is living in our neighborhood again, doing drugs, and is rumored to be robbing people near the southern border (which given his new clothes and shoes and lack of job is probably accurate). He also comes to visit and to eat often, and we just keep praying for him and showing him love.
Estiven: Estiven is doing well working with Raúl. He lives in an apartment below his mom's house with his common law wife and daughter, Sherlley, who will be two-years-old next week. On the other side of the wall, in a separate room, lives Raúl. With Raúl’s help, he recently bought a motor bike. Spiritually, Estiven is still struggling, so please keep him in your prayers. But, I, for one, am proud of how he has remained clean of drugs after being in Teen Challenge due to a crack addiction and escaping after only a month. I know that if it wasn’t for Raúl’s presence and constant help, support, and discipleship in his life, he probably wouldn’t be doing as well as he is. Even though Raúl is also struggling spiritually, he has been a good influence on Estiven.
New Year's Eve spent with Raúl's family...Belkis (who also went to camp) and I
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| Sara, Belkis' sister, and I |
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Roy and his mom, Mami Sonia
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I spent my second New Year’s with Raúl and his extended family. I feel so blessed by their presence in my life. They continue to be my second family, and I am so grateful for them. At the end of the year, God also blessed me by providing the finances necessary to buy my own car. Words cannot express my gratitude to God for answering a prayer that had been uttered for over a year and had weighed especially on my heart as I wondered how I was going to keep track of all of my sons in their various directions without some form of transportation. I won’t lie—the car, a 1992 Toyota Tercel that I named Heidi, isn’t perfect although I still feel like she was a good deal from God. I’ve had to fix a fair share of things on her (with Papi Alvin’s help and fatherly protective oversight), but after waiting for over a year without a sense of independence or my own form of transportation, whatever happens with her or no matter what I have to fix, I still consider her to be a blessing. And, I have been further blessed to have such amazing men in my life who have helped me take care of my little car. Alvin has acted like my dad in loaning me the little extra money I didn’t have to buy the car. Nati took me to see the car and negotiated with the guy (so they wouldn’t charge me more since I’m a gringa). Raúl is just like my dad in constantly asking if I’ve checked the oil, the coolant, etc. And, as he has a business selling oil and tires, we’ve gotten into our fair share of arguments because he won’t let me pay for oil or for changing a flat tire. (He’s actually driven my car more than I have since I’m still practicing with the stick-shift…she likes him better than she likes me. Sigh.) Nahum has been so amazing this week in helping me get all kinds of things fixed on my car, searching for the best mechanic and the cheapest prices on parts. His help and sacrifice of time have been huge blessings to me. What would I do without these wonderful men God’s blessed me with?
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| My little car, Heidi, a 1992 Toyota Tercel |
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Nahum (my big brother) and Raúl, two of my favorites
Back to Camp—Seven Years of Adventures The second week of the year, I headed to a camp for children with the ministry APEN. I was invited by the daughters of one of the families who goes to Yuscaran to help, and I was a helper to a counselor with eight 12 to 13-year-old girls for a week. After spending most of this year working with 12 to 17-year-old boys, it was a definite change of pace for me, but it was great. I was glad to be out of my normal routine and environment and felt so blessed by all of the people surrounding me. God did some very cool things in the lives of our campers, and He did some amazing things in my life as well. Because the theme was “Missionaries for Christ,” I was given a chance to share with everyone at the camp about how I first felt called to be a missionary. In preparing to speak, God really began to remind me of the testimonies of His goodness in a time when I was so spiritually exhausted and just barely holding on to the hope for something new. I first felt called to missions while working at a camp with World Vision very similar to the one I was at with APEN. It was a Wednesday, just like on the day I spoke, that a man was sharing a message with the campers about how many people in the world had never even heard the name of Jesus, how much poverty there is in the world, and how vital missions are. It’s not like I didn’t have some idea about missions because I’d grown up in a house where missions had always been really important, but it wasn’t until this night that I felt God touch my heart. I was 17, and I had just been brought to a place of surrendering something that had become the dearest thing to my heart. At that time, my greatest dream was something normal—go to college, be a teacher, write books, get married, have kids, have a house, live comfortably, and serve God by working with young people in a church. But, this night, through this total stranger’s message, my eyes were opened to the radical needs in the world. So, I prayed a simple prayer, “God, You have all of my life. You have all of my dreams. You can do whatever You want with my life. I want to live for Your dreams, not mine.” That simple prayer turned my world upside down. Seven months later (which was a financial miracle especially as I was worried about how I was going to pay for college anyway), I was in Honduras for the first time, and my life has never been the same since. That was seven years ago, and absolutely nothing in my life has turned out as I originally planned. Even the dreams that God has given me thus far have not come to pass how I thought they would. But, everything in my life has turned out infinitely better than anything I ever could have dreamed. In remembering everything that God has done in my life over the past seven years, I felt like God was telling me that the dreams He has for me are always bigger than my own. I won’t lie—I’ve struggled a lot since I’ve moved here with trying to figure out how God’s perfect plan is going to unfold in my life instead of just letting it happen. When I build up expectations of how I think it’s all supposed to work, I just get discouraged when circumstances aren’t going in that direction. Meanwhile, God is graciously leading me in how He has it all planned, even when I’m obeying reluctantly (like a stubborn, doubtful child throwing a temper tantrum). At camp, I felt God nudging me to let go of how I thought it logically was supposed to work in order to rest, trust in His goodness, and open up my heart to His grander dreams. So, when I returned, I did (not immediately, I won’t lie), and as has been the case every time God has brought me to surrender what had become the dearest thing to my heart, my surrender released a huge change in my life. Truly, my world has once again turned upside down in such a beautiful way. I’m so grateful that God brought me out of my element to expand my perspective and to challenge me to dream with Him. |
That brings me to my 21 de Octubre sons. As I’ve mentioned previously in earlier blog posts, I first started adopting the boys in 21 in my heart after God told me during a weekend retreat in October, “Sarah, don’t hold back!” Since, I opened my heart wider to love them in a deeper, more long-term way, my world has turned upside down, and I’ve seen unexpected changes in them. But, up until just a couple weeks ago, that adoption was within limits. I was their mom within the walls of the center, 21 de Octubre. I was their mom when I went to Teen Challenge to visit some of my sons. But, at the end of the day, I could come home, hang the role of mom up like a hat, and rest from that responsibility within the comfort of my own home. Of course, my love for them didn’t make putting down that role very simple or easy. Truthfully, I was always thinking about my sons and praying for them, but there was still a level of separateness. In the past couple of weeks, that has changed drastically. But, these changes have occurred so naturally that it’s only now that I’m sitting down to think that I’m noticing how my journey into motherhood has taken a shift.
Joshua
It started with Joshua. I met Joshua around the time that Benjamin first started going to 21, probably close to September or October of last year. Truthfully, while I may have asked his name, I didn’t spend enough time with him to remember it before he escaped from the center. I believe only days later after escaping, Benjamin and I came across him and another boy who had escaped, Fredy. They were both high on glue and were wanting some lunch. So, Benjamin and I took them to lunch. I have a general personal rule that I never want to refuse food to someone who is hungry—high or sober, clean or dirty, angry or happy, old or young. I figured that since they were high that they weren’t going to remember that lunch, but to my surprise, when Joshua ended up back in 21 not too long after that encounter, he told all of the boys how he’d had lunch with us. Not long after that, Nati, Benjamin, and I saw him again high on the streets when we went with a team to hand out sandwiches. When I returned from camp, I was pretty heartbroken because most of the boys I’d gotten close to had escaped. It was almost saddening to go back to 21 because I had to start all over, learning names and building relationships, and my heart hurt because I missed the ones who had become so much like my sons. But, now, I can see that it was all for a purpose. And, I’m glad that I took my big brother, Nati’s, comment to heart when he said, “Yeah, it’s difficult, Sarah, to lose those who escaped. But, now you have to work with the ones who are still there.” And, it’s really just that simple. During this time that the ones I’d gotten close to have been gone, I was able to get close to others like Joshua who I had had conversations with but maybe not too in-depth.
When Joshua and I had talked, he had told me about his difficult home life, the bitterness he had in his heart toward his mom, and why he’d turned to the streets. But during this time he’s been in 21 (he’d been there numerous times before), God worked a miracle. The new psychologist at 21 (not the one I met when Benjamin and I first started going there who I’d thought was going to be a contact for me) is amazing. She is a Christian who fights for and defends the boys, which is so rare within the system. She hunted down Joshua’s mom, and they had numerous family counseling sessions. From her persistence and her compassion, Joshua and his mother were able to confront past issues, and he has chosen to forgive and give his mom a new chance. He told me one day, “I’m leaving soon. I’m going to live with my mom.” “How do you feel about that?” “Well, I don’t know. I wasn’t raised by my mom, but I want to give it a try. I want to make up for lost time. I’ve seen a change in her since she’s been visiting me, like she’s trying.” He expressed in this same conversation that he was going to study but that he was going to be one of three studying in high school with only his stepfather working. He was worried about being a financial burden. As we were discussing his needs, he looked up at me shyly and asked if I’d be willing to help just with buying his notebooks. During camp, God laid it on my heart strongly the desire to keep up with the boys who leave 21 because many of them decide they want to change, but when they leave, they have no support system or discipleship. I saw this as a perfect opportunity, so I told him that not only did I want to help with notebooks but I wanted to help with whatever his needs were if I could. But, I didn’t just want to give him something. I wanted to know how his grades were. I wanted to know if he needed tutoring. I wanted to know how his home life was going. I wanted to take him to church and Yuscaran with me if he wanted to go. I wanted to keep up with him. That was two weeks ago, and that change has brought my motherhood out of the walls of 21 and into a beautiful, wide open world.
I love this child more than I can express. There have been nights in the past couple of weeks where I haven’t been able to sleep because I’m thinking of or praying for my son. I’m excited to know that I get to start learning things about him that, as a second mom, I need to know—his favorite color, what foods he likes and dislikes, what his interests are, what his life was like before he met me, etc. And I’m terrified that I’m going to fail him. It is scary to have someone depending on me financially and spiritually and emotionally. But, God is teaching me so much about being a mom and about His own nature through this new, unexpected motherhood. I am starting to understand how He must feel as we disappoint Him or come running to Him or when we’re hurt. When my son is hurt, even when he’s not willing to admit it to me yet, my heart hurts in a way that it’s never hurt before. When my son is happy and is doing well, I experience a joy and fullness in my heart that I never knew existed before. I am so proud of him. He turns 16 on Monday, and I can’t wait to make a big deal out of his birthday. He and his sister went to church with me this past Sunday, and he plans to go to Yuscaran with me tomorrow. This is all still very new for me, and I’m clueless, but God’s teaching me little by little.
Jesús
There are some boys in 21 who, honestly, adopt me before I adopt them. I call them all my sons, but I don’t always feel that mom-son connection as quickly as they do. This was the case with Jesús who was in 21 for four months. When he first came, he couldn’t talk or walk or stand by himself because he was recuperating from being stabbed seven times and shot ten times. I met him because my son, John Alan, who is typically a very helpful person (and now in Teen Challenge), took on the task of being the one to carry him around. Honestly, though, I didn’t talk to him too often in the first couple of months because I had such a difficulty in understanding him. I’m not sure if it was due to the results of the attack or if he’s always talked this way, but he slurs his speech, speaking from the back of his throat, which for someone who is not a native Spanish speaker/listener is very difficult to understand. So, many of the conversations we had at first consisted of me just smiling and nodding because I didn’t understand. After a while, though, and especially in this time since I’ve been back from camp, he and I have spent a lot of time together—primarily because he came to me, seeking me out, calling me “mother,” and wanting love. During this time, I learned that his parents died when he was young, so he was raised by a neighbor who was like a father but who he calls his sponsor. He doesn’t know how old he is or when his birthday is although we guess that he’s around 17. He has studied very little in his life—up to second grade—and struggles to read and write even his own name. He worked a cement job where he used to live but got caught up in drugs and gang life on the weekends until he was addicted to crack. It was because of his gang involvement in his hometown, that has become an incredibly dangerous part of the country because of drug trafficking, that has was attacked by the rival gang. He cannot return to his hometown. It’s too dangerous. He was almost murdered, and if his attackers were to find out that he survived, I imagine they’d hunt him down.
Thus, in these months, everyone in the office at 21 was telling me to take him home with me and adopt him. As a single, young woman living on Alvin’s property in a small apartment, there is no way that I can take home an adolescent boy to raise. But, in learning that Jesús truly has no one, I began to weigh my options, especially once the psychologist let me know that I could sign to take him out of 21 and be responsible for him. After talking to the psychologist and Alvin, we all agreed that the best place for Jesús would be Teen Challenge. I knew that I could sign for him to come out, look for an apartment for him to rent, and help him find a job in cement work. But, I wouldn’t have the security that he wouldn’t fall back into drugs, wouldn’t get involved in the gang again, or return to his hometown where he’d likely be murdered. I couldn’t live with those risks. But Teen Challenge is a year-long rehab/Christian discipleship program, and I have seen amazing changes in the lives of my other sons who are there. So, the current hope is that after this year, God will have worked in his life in such a way that he will be able to stand firm and live on his own (with me keeping track of him) without falling back into his old lifestyle.
So, I started thinking about how I could help Jesús, and the only difficulty left was financial. It cost roughly $105 a month to send him to Teen Challenge. From what I can count on to come in from financial support monthly, I couldn’t afford that. So, I started thinking of how I could fundraise that, but God has also made it clear to me that He’s the provider of my needs. So, I don’t have His permission to go around pushing people to give me money or fundraising. I let people know about my prayer requests and the stories of those around me, but I personally never push people. If God touches someone’s heart, that is great, but if not, He will find another way to provide. So, while I was waiting on an answer financially, it became clear that God was asking me to step out in faith and say yes. I began to ask myself what I imagine will soon be a familiar question, “If this was my flesh-and-blood son, wouldn’t I do absolutely everything necessary or possible to help him? And, with the answer being yes, of course, how can I behave any differently with my adopted son?” The support I received this past month was more than I expected and enough to start Jesús at Teen Challenge, so I decided to obey and take it by faith month by month. As a typical human, after I’d said yes to the psychologist, and we’d started the process of his medical tests, etc. to enter the center, I began to try to figure out how I was financially going to make it work. I began to think of how I could cut financial corners within my own budget and expenses. “Well, I could stop eating lunch which would cut down on food/grocery costs, and I could stop calling home as often which would cut down on phone minutes costs…” But, realistically, even with those savings, it was going to be impossible without a miracle from God. So, I stopped thinking and just started praying. Within days of stepping out in faith, I had my answer—a dear friend was willing to sponsor him for six months. I was overjoyed. Then, days later, a family member decided to pay the remaining six months. Basically, within a week, God had taken care of the need for my son. What an amazing Father I have!
Thus, yesterday, I became an official mom by signing as the legal guardian responsible for Jesús to take him out of 21 and to put him into Teen Challenge. As we sat through the interview with the pastor from Teen Challenge, it hit me. “Who will be visiting him?” “Me.” “We like to elevate the boys’ self-esteem by having them dress sharply on visitation days, so he’ll need a nice shirt and tie.” “I can take care of that.” “Well, I need you to sign the paperwork here, Jesús.” He signed like a small child and didn’t put his last name (it wouldn’t have fit on the line anyway), so the pastor pushed the paperwork toward me to sign in my designated spot and said with a laugh, “Jesús Crickenberger.” And I had to smile because this proud mama liked the sound of that. And, once again, I haven’t been able to sleep at night because I’m wondering if he’s adjusting okay, if John has taken him under his wing, if he has a pillow to sleep on, where I should go to buy him a pair of shoes (since he has next to nothing) and if I’ll be able to figure out the right size, and I pray and pray and pray that God would rescue my baby. And I marvel at the weight of this responsibility and have to remind myself to be a child running to God myself to be refilled, to receive His wisdom, and to trust Him to father them.
Juliano
That was all just this week, and in the midst of running around doing errands to send Jesús off, I was presented with a second son to send to Teen Challenge, Juliano. I have known Juliano a year now. He was in 21 when I first started going a year ago and has been there about 11 times. He’s basically been raised in 21. He is tall and super skinny with a sweet yet quietly hurt disposition, and I love him more than I can express. He is 17 and comes from a family with a lot of drug-related problems. He was supposed to go to Teen Challenge before Christmas not long after John Alan went. However, the office closed for the holidays, so he was going to have to wait until January. His mom, who visits on a fairly regular basis, didn’t come visit him for Christmas or the visitation day after that. So, he got resentful and desperate, and once the opportunity presented itself, he escaped. He’s been on the streets up until a week ago, and when he ended up back in 21 after being picked up by the police, he looked awful. When I walked in, Jesús told me Juliano was back, but I didn’t believe him at first. When I saw him huddled by the window in a corner, I thought my heart would burst because I was so happy to see him. He was covered in knife cuts and bruises and sores. He was even skinnier because of not eating and because of the toll of his crack, marijuana, and paint thinner addictions. His eyes were so empty. He told me that he was almost killed right before he ended up back at 21. Someone put a knife to him, threatening to kill him, and later, someone shot at him numerous times but missed. I told him that I knew he’d been saved not just because God loves him, which He does, but also because God loves me and because I’ve been praying for him, my son ever since he escaped. I’d been begging God to have mercy and put angels around my son, and He did. Juliano’s starting to regain some life again, but his heart remains so hurt.
Hermano Charlie and I have been encouraging him to go to Teen Challenge, but he’s been reluctant. But, when I talked to the psychologist, she let me know that the family member who was going to financially sponsor him to go is no longer willing. So, she asked me, knowing at this time that God had provided the provision for six months for Jesús, if I’d be willing to sponsor Juliano by faith as well. If my faith had been sufficient enough for Jesús, how could it be any different for Juliano? If I love this boy just like my son, how could I say no? So, I said yes, knowing that at the end of six months, if God didn’t work a miracle, it would be my responsibility to pay for not just one boy but two, which is nearly all that I can count on to receive in a month of support. But, within two days, God had provided various people willing to sponsor Juliano as well. Now, the battle is spiritual. He and I have talked, and I told him that as soon as he says the word, I’ll put him in Teen Challenge. But, he feels confused. He wants to go back home to his family, but they’re drug addicts which means he’ll fall into the same situation. This child, honestly, is going to die if he doesn’t get help. He’s going to overdose, kill his body over time with drugs, or he’s going to be murdered on the streets. As his adopted mom, I’m not going to stand for any of those. But, he has to want help, and until he does, I can’t help him. So, please keep my son in prayer. The call on his life is huge, but the damage to his heart is pretty devastating right now. I know that God can heal him, but he needs some hope for a future which only God can provide.
In the middle of all of this, God brought me to a simple verse that has struck me profoundly:
Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. - James 4:17
A lot of times as Christians, we think that if we're not doing the typical, sinful stuff, that we're doing okay. But this verse makes it clear that even when we refuse to do the good that God is nudging us to do through His Holy Spirit, we're sinning. God asks us to do the impossible. Every single one of His commands is impossible without the miraculous power of His Son, Jesus, and presence of the Holy Spirit within us. But, that's the point. He asks us to do the impossible because it makes us depend on Him, and our faith makes it possible for Him to give us miracles.
I have more to update you on, but this post is long enough, and it’s getting late. So, I’ll save it for another day. Thank you all so much for your prayers, your support, and for reading. I so appreciate your keeping up with me and being a part of the story of my little life.
All of my love,
Sarah
Jesus Crickenberger, I love it!
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