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| Josuan, Mami Yessi, and Erick |
Well, as previously mentioned, life has turned upside down in the past month, and if I thought last year was a rough battle full of beautiful victories, I’m already realizing that last year was nothing in comparison to what this year holds. In the past month, my family has been undergoing some major changes that have been both joyous and heartbreaking.
On January 26, Marvin left Teen Challenge to come live with me. He sleeps in the room I rent on the other side of Raúl, but he is my responsibility and my son in every way. This was a big step for me as he is the first since Josuan that I’ve had with me constantly. It took me some significant time of seeking God to reach peace about having him come live with me—not because of him but because of me. I am incredibly introverted, and after living on my own since I was 18, I’ve grown really accustomed to being alone. Remembering how exhausting it was to have Josuan with me made me fear taking on Marvin because I figured I was just going to die from exhaustion because my life as an independent person would be over. But, God reminded me of the fruit that came from enduring that time with Josuan, and now, he is my greatest support system, has healed so many deep wounds, and is now an ally in the battles of life. Thus, God let me know that I needed to take on Marvin because he also had wounds that needed healed with real love that were not going to heal in Teen Challenge simply because they deal with learning how to accept and be part of a loving family. So, Marvin has been with me for nearly a month. In that time, I’ve already been seeing how God is taking his hard heart and is softening it with furious love, but it is a crazy battle that’s been even more difficult than the battle with Josuan. Just as I did with Josuan, we spend hours together talking about his past, taking on deep-rooted pain and guilt, and conquering it all with unwavering love and hugs. Marvin told me last week, “Mami, thank you for hugging me. It’s like my heart is full of holes from 17 years of damage and pain, but every time you hug me, God fills one of those holes with real love. He’s healing my heart, isn’t He, Ma?”
My son’s past is heartbreaking. I’d love to share it with you, so you’d know just how much God can redeem a person and that it is true that God absolutely loves us no matter what we’ve done, but out of respect for him at this time, I can’t. It’s very easy for us Christians to spew that “God loves you no matter what you’ve done” spiel whenever the worst that we can imagine a person doing is having babies out of wedlock, getting an abortion, doing drugs, stealing, etc. But, if you want a taste of my reality and the level of love God is bringing me to, I recommend that you go to the maximum security prisons in the States, hug those inmates (especially those in solitary confinement or on death row) as if they were your babies and look them in the eyes and say, “No matter what you’ve done, God loves you,” without flinching or looking away. I am beginning this reality of love, and it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. My heart breaks for the pain my children have been through, and it breaks for those my children have hurt. Sometimes, I ask myself, “In so much evil and darkness and damage, is God’s love really enough?” And, I’m here to tell you that only in this past year, I can absolutely attest to the truth that yes, it is enough. It’s just a painful process of receiving all of my babies’ pain and giving them love in return, and then running to Jesus to cry it all out. It’s the tiniest taste of what I imagine Jesus felt like on the cross, bearing all of our sin and darkness and yet still interceding for our forgiveness. What a privilege to suffer a broken heart like Jesus.
In the weeks that Marvin has been with me, we were able to go with Naty and some people from our church to the streets to hand out food. Although we went to places that weren’t Marvin’s spots whenever he was on the streets, it was evident that it touched him to be in the middle of his old life but seeing from a different viewpoint. God has given my son such a heart of compassion especially for young children living on the streets, and I know that God is going to use him in amazing ways. But, first he has to go through his process of healing and purification.
God opened the door for Marvin to go to Bible school even though he didn’t meet the requirements of having finished sixth grade, and we’re conquering his classes together. But, it’s a struggle. The last grade my son remembers finishing was fourth, and from there, he only spent two months in high school level classes almost two years ago. His classes in Bible school are taught on a university level. I’m not one for diagnosing people, but if Marvin were in the States, he’d be treated as a student with ADHD. To make matters more challenging, he started classes two weeks late and was too shy to ask many questions about his massive amount of homework at first because most of the people in his classes come from wealthy families and are taking notes on iPads or iPhones while he takes out his notebook and pencil. My baby spent his childhood helping his family of five siblings and a single mom by stealing, and he had never had a brand new set of clothes in his life until this past Christmas. So, all of this has been a culture shock. But, after spending days swamped with his homework and constantly keeping Marvin on-task and essentially re-teaching him his classes using his books and feeling like I understood how my mom felt when she homeschooled my brother and wondering if this whole Bible school thing was a bad idea, we had a breakthrough on Friday night. I picked Marvin up from class, and he got in the car with a grin on his face. “Mami, I am so excited! My class went so great! Guess what happened! My teacher told the whole class that my homework was the best homework out of all of them and that he had never received such mature comments about leadership. He said he was proud that I had been in Teen Challenge.” My son is the youngest in his classes, and he just learned how to write a full, correct sentence this past week. (And I thought I’d never use my college degree again! Ha ha.) One of my baby’s love languages is words of affirmation, and there are no words to express how this blessing from God encouraged my son and filled his heart—and gave me a ray of light that, yes, God was going to give us the strength and wisdom to carry on in his classes. It makes me unspeakably proud to know how far God has brought Marvin, and I feel overwhelmed with God’s favor for my family.
The other project we’re taking on now that he is caught up in his classes is starting a business. I bought an enclosed trailer from Naty that we’re going to use to start a business selling food by Raúl’s business. We’ve had a few setbacks because the trailer needed repaired, but God led us to a deal on a stove to use, and God-willing, we’ll be able to start at the beginning or middle of March. The business will belong to my family, but it will give Marvin a job and will enable him to start having his own savings (and possibly help his own family financially) as well as be a bit of a relief on my finances as well if our profits go well enough. Trust me when I say that I never thought I’d start a small business. Business is not my thing, and for that reason, I’ve been incredibly scared to fail. But, God has been the one prodding me to have faith and be obedient in starting what He’s laid on my heart, so we’re moving forward.
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| Presenting Erick as he finished his first year in Teen Challenge |
A week after Marvin left Teen Challenge, Erick finished his first year. We celebrated as a family and were blessed by a miracle—Erick’s pastors came to celebrate, and we found out that they were from Jesús’ home town. I have done everything possible to try to find a connection to Jesús’ family with absolutely no government information. So, we’ve just been clinging to God and asking Him to make a way. It turned out that Erick’s pastors knew Jesús’ family and were able to contact the pastor that had married Jesús’ parents before they died. He is also the pastor of the church that Jesús’ sister attends. Thus, a week before Jesús finished his year in Teen Challenge, God opened the door and miraculously provided us with a way to let his family know that he was alive and well. That was a miracle, and this is our life—miracles happen for us all the time.
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| Presenting Jesús when he finished his year in Teen Challenge |
We cautioned him not to go because he has no legal papers since they’re still in process (and in this country, you have to carry your identity card or your birth certificate at all times) and because the pastor in his hometown had said it was still too dangerous for him to return, but he had made his choice. I cried the whole way to the bus stop as I surrendered my baby to the hands of God, trusting that God loves him even more than I do, and believing that He has control. I bought him the bus ticket and gave him enough money to set my mind at ease that he wouldn’t go hungry and would have enough money to come back if he needed to. He told me that he only wanted to visit home for two weeks and then he’d return to live with me. But, inside, I felt God severing those mother bonds of responsibility and knew that it would likely be longer. After a quick hug and heartfelt “I love you,” my son was gone and so was the year I had spent pouring myself out for him, but God gave me peace. Jesús called me from the bus and in the evening. The same day, he told me that even though he was at his sister’s house and was fine that he wanted to return the following day. The following day, I called his sister, who for an entire year hadn’t known if her brother was alive or dead, and the first thing she told me was not “thank you” or how grateful to God that she was that her brother was alive and well. Her first comment was that Jesús needed to return to live with me but that they didn’t have the money for bus fare. Let me be clear in saying that my motives in helping a person are never to receive anything in return. My kids don’t owe me anything. Everything I do, I do for Jesus Christ, and His approval is enough. However, the reactions of people tell me a lot about what’s in their hearts. And, it was evident in her response that Jesús is a burden for her that she doesn’t want. This breaks my heart because Jesús left us looking for real love from his blood-related family when he had it with us this entire time and just didn’t want to accept it.
In the conversation, it became clear that Jesús blew through $40 in less than 24 hours which is why he didn’t have bus fare. But, he again changed his mind and said he wanted to stay with his sister anyway. If I’m being honest with you, what my boys and I feel in our spirits is that he’s already back into drugs. And, although I called him the first couple of days, God quickly let me know that I needed to stop calling although I could answer his calls if he called me. When I talked to him, all he did was ask me to send him money—something I am not going to do. My kids know well that if they live with me and depend on my love and finances, they also choose to submit to my rules. If they choose to be men and leave me to do what they want, they have to find their own way. No one is going to live off of my finances but not respect my rules and protection. That would make me a bad mom, and I take it very seriously that I have to give an account to God for how I’ve parented my children. And, furthermore, Marvin gave me the caution that if I keep calling Jesús, if he gets mixed up in bad company, they could call me to extort me. So, Jesús is in God’s hands. At the very least, God gave him a home and a family with us, and if he reaches the point where he no longer wants to be a prodigal son, he knows where he can find real love.
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| We miss him. |
I can’t tell you what it means to me to see my family fight together. It fills me with joy that when praise and worship starts in Teen Challenge, my kids are the first ones in front, worshipping God with unspeakable gratitude because this is how we conquer. This is how we overcome everything we’re up against—with intimacy with God and with unwavering love for each other. I can’t tell you how much it blesses me how Marvin supports his younger siblings. Even as he has been in the midst of his own healing, he has taken Estefanny under his wing as a younger sister, and he has gone various times to visit Josuan during the week in Teen Challenge (I can’t go, but he can go because he is a graduate). Josuan is coming up on his last two months in Teen Challenge, and in general, the months that are the most difficult are the first couple of months and the last couple of months. He is so desperate to finish his year and be able to be with me and with Marvin. He had leave last week which was helpful for both of us because I needed his love and support after some major battles dealing with Marvin, but we both cried together when I had to take him back to Teen Challenge. He is determined to finish his year, and he is doing well as a collaborator in leadership and as an ongoing part of the intercessory prayer team, but it is an ongoing struggle to persevere and finish well. I couldn’t possibly be more proud of him or more grateful for the doors that are already opening up for him when he does leave T.Ch. Although it won’t be possible for him to go to bilingual school when he leaves Teen Challenge because the schools here won’t take anyone unless they’ve previously been in a bilingual school, he does already have a carpentry job waiting for him. We both look forward to Mother’s Day, when he’ll be presented as finishing his year in Teen Challenge.
Bladimir will soon have six months completed in Teen Challenge, but to be honest with you, it’s a constant struggle with him because he still hasn’t made the decision of whether he wants to change or not. We had some conflicts during his last leave although it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle with some tough love, and he will be on leave again this Friday. I know that there is a reason that God placed him in our family even when he wants to reject us, and a lot of times, I feel like we are so close to a breakthrough with Bladi. But, we’re waiting on his decision of what he wants. All we can do is pray and keep loving.
To wrap up this update, I want to echo something that I’ve said before—we do not battle against flesh and blood but rather against the powers of darkness. My days are filled with everything from cooking and grocery shopping to helping Marvin with Bible school homework and counseling him in the midst of his past pain, from wondering how I’m going to make it the rest of the month financially to rejoicing with my kids when God miraculously fills our every need, from writing to Josuan to giving the neighbor kids something to eat, from meeting with the lawyer about starting the ministry to pricing stoves for the business, from hand washing clothes to washing a pile of dishes, from doing devotions with Marvin to crying like a baby at church. But, in the midst of life, it is becoming more and more evident that we are constantly surrounded by a spiritual world of two fighting forces—just in this past week, I have seen angels in the midst of moments of fear, and I’ve seen the impact demons have on my kids’ thoughts. My kids battle every day with nightmares or dreams of temptation, with demonic thoughts about everything from drugs to suicide, and with constant temptation. If you knew what we’re up against as a family on a regular basis, it would shock you. Just this morning, after two months of being illness free and treating myself twice for H. pylori, I woke up sick just as I had all last year, and this makes me very angry with the enemy because he is completely unoriginal in his attacks. But, I cling to a word given to me when I was in the States, that I had indeed touched Jesus’ mantle and that my faith had made me whole. I will not accept anything less than this truth.
We continue as a family, fighting for each other and with God’s power of unconditional love. And, the victories, though small, happen every day and much more often than our losses. We receive a lot of criticism. I get cautioned a lot about my kids’ pasts and about loving them too much. I get told that I can’t show them affection as if they were my own flesh and blood kids because I don’t even know what it means to be a mother since I’ve never given birth. I get told that I should fear their pasts and should hold back my love for them because it looks bad. I have neighbors spreading lies about me and my kids even as the very people criticizing us come near looking for love. And while this is a major struggle for me that often causes me to get discouraged because overall, I’m a very obedient, submissive person who doesn’t like to make waves, all of this brings me to two conclusions:
1) Most people in this world, even those of us who call ourselves Christians, have never received the true love of God in its fullness, and it’s something that we desperately want and need and at the same time, religiously fear because it’s unlike anything we’ve ever experienced before. But, it is only this real love that only comes from God that is powerful enough to destroy the darkness. And, the very people who reject us or criticize us the most are the ones who are in the greatest need of this love that God has granted us. The greatest of these is love because God is Love itself. And, I can tell you that if I were to hold back out of fear of what others might think or out of fear of what my kids could do to me, they would know about my lack of sincerity. And I would be in grave danger because it would only echo everything they’ve ever learned in street life and gang violence—no one’s life is valuable because no one is sincere and no one’s motives can be trusted. But, it is love that holds us together, protects me from the darkness that they carry, and gives us the strength to conquer the evil that wants to devour them. It is love that keeps them from running away even when they’re facing the pain of their pasts because they desperately want God to change their hearts of stone to hearts of love.
2) Demonizing the person and fearing the person is like being a doctor afraid of sick people. God has fully equipped us, His children, to run into the darkness to rescue the lost, tormented, and dying and bring them into the light. As soon as we start fearing the darkness and start painting people into boxes of labeled evil, we become useless to this world and dormant in the Kingdom of God. We do not battle against flesh and blood. We battle spirits of evil. Tormented people need love desperately because when they are in the middle of the battle with those demonic thoughts, temptations, and feelings, what they will remember is your hug without fear, your kindness in spite of their pasts, and your faith in their value in spite of their sin. And, they will find the strength to conquer because you will have already shown them that Jesus’ love is stronger than even their fear of themselves.
All of my love,
Sarah
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| Smiley! |
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