Family of Promise

The new home for the Honduran Crickenberger family

Hello All,

As I write this newest update (sorry for my absence in March), I am sitting on a newly purchased (used) couch in the new house that the Crickenberger family here in Honduras is renting. After a year of Josuan and I praying together that God would provide our family with the finances to be able to rent a house for the family and then provide the ideal house in terms of location and space, here we are so unbelievably blessed and grateful. God is so good to my family that sometimes I am overwhelmed because I don’t feel like I deserve it. Our house is located within walking distance of Alvin and Nelly—we’re still those neighbors who can borrow a cup of flour whenever need be—and it’s near the high school soccer field but secluded with plenty of land for a garden and a mountain overhead for my boys to explore. They couldn’t be happier. After seeing where my kids have grown up—sometimes without electricity in an adobe house with no furniture or in a house the size of my US family’s living room/kitchen with up to 9 people spread among two beds and a cot—it was so special seeing the looks on their faces entering our house and watching them eagerly go explore the property. It was such a God thing that we came upon this house. I had been praying for quite a while, and Alvin had just asked me how the house hunting was going. But, although Marvin and I had been out looking, we hadn’t found anything available or suitable. Finally, one morning, I got up and was praying and just asked, “God, how long until our house need is met?” Later that afternoon, Nelly called me and told me that a flier had been posted about a house close to hers. We called the owner, saw the house, and loved it. To my knowledge, we were the first and only to inquire, and they took the flier down the same day. I feel like the house was made especially for us because it was recently finished, and no one has ever lived in it before us. It has three bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen, living room, and dining room.




The view above our house



Marvin, my little king of the mountain

Being in the house this last month has greatly helped create a real sense of family among us. This past weekend, I had Marvin as usual, Josuan on special leave, and Bladimir on his normal leave. I can’t explain how special it was to have Josuan pass by my kitchen window as he walked home from the bus or wake up Marvin Saturday morning or see Josuan and Bladi off as they went to play basketball at the high school court nearby while I made breakfast. Honestly, for the first time in moving here and living with my kids, I have found a sense of family identical to what I have when I’m with my family in the States. I used to go with Raul to visit his family and watch them be silly and play, hug and bother each other affectionately, and while they accepted me as part of their family, since I wasn’t blood-related, I was never going to have the confidence to interact with them as one of their own. This phase of life and loneliness was a perfect preparation. During the time before having my kids, I used to dream that someone was hugging me because I didn’t get that need filled in reality. I didn’t receive a lot of attention or affection from anyone. The loneliness was oftentimes unbearable, and at times, I felt like I could drop off of the planet, and no one in Honduras would even notice. It was because of that painful phase that I am much more empathetic towards my own children now and incredibly defensive when someone complains that I treat my kids as if they were my own flesh and blood. I know what that loneliness and lack of family feels like. If I can be a solution to their need, their own lack of family, their own loneliness, their own need to belong, after only getting a taste of what that pain feels like, why wouldn’t I?




Josuan, at home in his new house


Being a single, 24-year-old gringa living alone with teenage, ex-drug addict, etc. boys has brought a new round of criticism. I get a lot of comments from brave souls about how my kids shouldn’t feel so at home in my house, shouldn’t sit on my bed, shouldn’t feel so comfortable seeking so much affection from me, etc. But, this isn’t an orphanage or a transition home. This isn’t a project. They aren’t a file or a case. They aren’t patients. They’re not students. They’re not orphans. This is my home, and they are my family. That means I love them just like my family loved me. Anything less would be disobedience to God for me because He told me from the beginning, “Don’t hold back.” Being part of my family means that they know they can receive a hug whenever they need it. It means I reserve the right as mom to review their cell phones at a moment’s notice whenever I so choose. It means we share toothpaste and shampoo. It means we watch movies together and go to concerts together. It means they will have consequences if they backtalk me. It means we sing together in silly voices. It means we’ll share the duties of cooking and cleaning, and they will clean their room. It means they teach me how to make Honduran food and how to clean the pila, and I teach them how to be sensitive to a woman’s feelings. It means they tell me when the high school girls whistle at them, and I introduce them to French toast. It means they know that they have to tell me where they’re going, for how long, with whom, and when they’ll be returning before they can hope to get permission from me. It means that they don’t have to be afraid to cry in front of me or let me hold them whenever they’re telling me their most painful stories. It means we pray together and read the Bible together. It means that if they’re struggling with temptation or have fallen into a past bad habit that they tell me so that we can fight together. For many of my kids who have lived on the streets or raising themselves in orphanages, all of this protection and personal attention is very new for them. But, while they may argue with me from time to time, they also occasionally cave and tell me that they love being a mama’s boy and having someone who cares enough to demand to know their whereabouts.


Marvin, one of my mama's boys


Meanwhile, the business is at a standstill since the trailer needs some repairs, and we’ve had to rely on other people to being able to get those repairs done. I’m not worried about it. Sometimes, especially as North Americans, we’re so eager to be in action and productive, but I have learned that a lot of the greatest growth in my kids comes from the one-on-one time that we spend together. Marvin has had a lot of one-on-one time with me because he hasn’t been working. We laugh together a lot and cry together when he’s struggling. I listen to his stories, and I marvel at the work God is doing in his heart.

The ministry is in the final stages of preparing the paperwork to legally file as a non-profit, and we have an official name—Ministerio Familia de Promesa or Family of Promise Ministries. On our board are eight people: myself, Naty, Martha, Raúl, Alvin, Nelly, Pastor Mirna from our church, and Hermana Sandra, a friend of Nelly’s and of our family. The primary goal of the ministry is to work with street kids, orphans, and young people at social risk. But, along with working with that population, we also want to work towards restoration in their families. This is what God has been doing thus far in our family, and it’s the continued vision. We have big dreams, but our heart overall is that the fulfillment of the Gospel is very simple—stop for the one and love the one in front of you. We must stop and listen to God’s voice as to how to best love the person, but once we know, we shouldn’t hesitate to meet their needs. Often stopping for that one leads us off of “our strategic path” and into our divine destiny. “Stop for the one” is Heidi Baker’s motto, but it’s the mindset that I’ve adopted in being a missionary, and it’s what I teach my children. We have seen fruit of that simple intimacy with God, but it’s only just the beginning.


Along with these changes in home and ministry, we have a new addition to our family—Jonathan, Marvin’s older brother. Jonathan is my oldest at 19, but he’s also my smallest in size, even smaller than Josuan or Marvin. I get frustrated with God sometimes because He makes me seem so rebellious. Alvin had just told me as a piece of advice that I should restrict my sons to those under the age of 18 and those who have no biological family members. It’s sound advice, and I’m not at all against it. It’s only that I don’t govern my life or family or ministry with rules but with relationship and obedience to God in the moment. Thus, the very next day after receiving this advice, when Jonathan made the choice that he wanted to change and go to Teen Challenge, I couldn’t say no. I had to stop for that one too because it’s a soul at stake here. We took him with us twice to Teen Challenge to visit and get a feel for the place, and just from that span of time with my family, he already felt like one of us. Of course, he’s Marvin’s biological brother, but he’d also been in 21 de Octubre with Josuan, and they were already close friends, and he’d been in the juvenile delinquent center with Erick. He stayed the night on a Sunday night before leaving for Teen Challenge on a Monday, and just observing this child joke with Raul and Estiven and tell outlandish, half-true, mostly-false story after story, I couldn’t help but love this one. He is so special even if he is a nut. He just spent his first week in Teen Challenge, and he’s already calling Josuan his little brother (they live in the same building) and me “mami” and cried on Sunday because he couldn’t be with us. (The rule in Teen Challenge is that you can’t have visitors for the first month. It’s a wise rule because it’s a kind of de-tox and helps avoid the new ones coming off of drugs from manipulating their family members from taking them out of Teen Challenge.) So, even though I honestly didn’t envision sending more to Teen Challenge, here we are in the midst of another year and another adventure with yet another son.


Let me give you a quick update on my kids:
Marvin is about to finish his first round of Bible classes, and although I don’t know that he’ll pass all of his classes, he did learn a lot which is the ultimate goal. Some days, he’s doing really well, and it’s evident how much he’s healing. But, in the past couple of weeks, it’s been a real struggle with the usual street kid, manipulative behavior and low self-esteem. He has so much fear, hurt, and anger from his past that he’s still not ready to let go of. This often causes chaos in our house and our relationship, but while I’d like to give him his healing and liberation in an instant to have relief, I also know it’s not that simple. So, all I can do is keep loving and disciplining and praying and wait for God to do what only He can (and will) do. There are days where Marvin decides he can’t handle the pain of healing and wants to run away. On more than one occasion he’s started packing his suitcase to leave, but he always ends up coming to his senses, seeking me for a hug, and we decide again that we’ll keep fighting forward together. It’s not easy, and there are days when I don’t want to be a mami anymore. But, I just run to Jesus, and He fills me up again with his supernatural love, and gives me the strength for yet another battle.

Marvin and Josuan--brothers, best friends, and my two right-hand men

Josuan is doing so well although he is so desperate to finish his year. Watching his brother be with me nonstop, seeing God fulfill his prayers for a house, and being offered a carpentry job have spurred that desire to finish his year already. He is still my greatest help and support, so I will be happy to have him home as well. He is still serving as a junior leader/collaborator although he changed buildings. (Now he lives with Jonathan.) And, he recently started working in the carpentry shop again, which he is ecstatic about. He continues on the intercessory prayer team, and it’s undeniable that in his nearly 11 months of being in Teen Challenge and seven months of being on the intercessory prayer team that he has seen the miraculous ways that God has answered his prayers—first in healing me of H. pylori after ten months of inexplicable illness and now in providing our house. But, he’ll be out of Teen Challenge before he knows it and will be presented on Mother’s Day. I can’t think of a better Mother’s Day gift for this mami.

Jesús left us to go to visit his family, and to be honest, I didn’t expect him to return any time soon. But, a week and a half later, he was back, but it was evident that he was not doing well. I can’t see whether or not he got into drugs while he was gone, but he was not doing well. I had him working again with Raúl for a week. But, Marvin and I thought he was smoking in the boys’ room, and he often said he was going to rent the room whenever we moved to the house although he wouldn’t have had the money. He often didn’t want to work with Raúl and was going around saying lots of lies about me and his brothers. He kept saying that he was just going to leave again, and this time for good. But, he used this threat mainly for manipulation. It was evident to me that I was going to have to find a solution to his behavior before it became too much for me, a single mom to handle. So, I gave him the option of returning to Teen Challenge for a period of time or returning to live with his family because what he wanted was to live off of my finances but not obey my rules. Jesús was a difficult case because unlike Marvin and Josuan he wasn’t stuck to me like glue. He hadn’t really accepted me as mami, and in part, I imagine it was because he was a true orphan who grew up most of his life without a mother figure. Oftentimes, he was very jealous of Josuan and Marvin and the affection that we shared, but when I’d try to give him the same affection, he’d reject me. So, to be respectful, I didn’t keep trying as much. So, when given the ultimatum, he left, and we haven’t heard from him since. He doesn’t answer our calls, and he didn’t leave peacefully. Sometimes, I feel guilty about that and wish I could have fought for him more. But, the bottom line is that I can only truly help those who want help. If Jesús finishes his time of being the prodigal son and really wants help, we will receive him with open arms.

Bladimir has seven months in Teen Challenge, and I have seen a change in his behavior as if he has made the decision to want to change and that he wants to truly be part of our family. I had been encouraging Josuan to seek him out for a long time, and Josuan has been obedient. They get along well, and Bladi has sought Josuan out for love and advice as a big brother. This is a relief to know that Bladi is allowing himself to be part of our family, but it’s still a battle with his manipulative behavior. And, as is the case with all of my kids, he is incredibly jealous for my time and attention. But, I often feel like I can’t win. I set apart some one-on-one time for him (at his request) during his recent leave, and he spent it sleeping.
 

Bladimir

Last month, all of the things that Erick had been doing in secret came into the light. Lies he’d told came out into the open, and his mother and I spoke with his leaders. He received a month of punishment and without visits. And, while this provided a rest for his mother, now that the punishment is over, I can’t say that I’ve seen a change in his attitude although he is being more diligent in his studies. So, we’ll see what happens.

Estefanny is doing well although out of all of my kids she is often the most difficult for me to for whom to find time simply because she doesn’t live with me and Marvin is always with me. A few weeks ago, she was really struggling, and she finally texted me asking me to set apart some time for her because she felt alone and like she was battling on her own. I had already felt like she wasn’t doing well and was distant and that I needed to set aside some time alone with her which I was finally able to do. It’s very difficult to be in such high demand sometimes especially when time to myself is also a rarity for this introvert. But, she is now doing better. She has been sad that Jesús left, and I feel like she often blames me. But, Marvin has stepped up to be the new brother taking care of her, so now they’re inseparable.


Marvin and Estefanny and the concert

I visited Jorge and Elvis last month, and they’re doing well. They’re both studying, and they are often happy when I bring their brothers to visit them. They’ve now added another visitation day to the monthly schedule at the orphanage, so now it’ll be possible to see them twice a month instead of just once. I’m happy about that because it’ll be more time to help them feel like part of the family.




The Marco Barrientos concert


This past weekend, I took the whole family (except Erick and Jonathan) to a Christian concert. It was a reminder that we really don’t fit in my little two-door Tercel anymore, but I laugh and always ask my carful, “Everyone’s praying for the family bus, right?” And my can of sardines responds with a weary, bored, “Yes, Mami.” It was so much fun watching my kids enjoying their first ever concert, and it was so beautiful watching my kids jump and worship God together. At one point, the entire family was together in a chain of hugs, and Josuan whispered in my ear, “Thank you so much, Mami, for bringing me to the feet of Jesus.” This is what I live for. In the middle of dealing with jealousy and manipulation, competition and ungratefulness from my typical (and yet not-so-typical former street kid) teenagers, I find joy in those moments when it’s evident that God is still holding us in the palm of His hand. I tell Him often that we belong to Him, that He is the Head of our household, and that the desire of my heart is that He would make us an instrument in His Kingdom, a blessing to His heart, and an outpouring vessel of real love. Those small glimpses I get of what He is making us although we’re still undecipherable lumps of clay on the Potter’s wheel is what keeps me going when I want to throw in the towel. Josuan is my prime example that, while the ongoing fight with manipulation and demand for my time, pressure from my kids to be perfect when I can’t, etc. is exhausting, in the end, it is worth it. If they come to the feet of Jesus because of my love or really just because of His grace in my life, it’s all worth it.



Mami Yessica and Bladimir at the concert

This past Sunday, I had reached the end of myself. Almost all of my kids were on my case in uproars of jealousy and demands for my time and attention. After spending all day cooking for the Sunday meal with no help, all night dealing with a crisis with Marvin, and all morning from 4:45 AM finishing cooking and getting Bladimir and everyone else out the door to get him back to Teen Challenge before 8 AM, I was shot. The church service hadn’t even started, but I was already a puddle of tears with the leaders looking at me awkwardly and the pastor’s wife coming to give me a hug asking, “Why, Sarah, what on earth is wrong?” And, all I could do was laugh-cry and say like a small child fighting sleep, “I’m just so tired!” As usual, Josuan was the first at my side, encouraging me and telling me I’m a good mom and how much he loves me and appreciates everything I do, while his brothers and sister jealously glared at him. Next, it was Marvin with his head on my shoulder asking, “It’s my fault, isn’t it, Ma?” At the end of the day, what lifted me up out of my exhaustion was a fatherly hug from the pastor, hearing God tell me, “I don’t demand perfection from you, just obedience,” and a solid evening nap while Marvin did the dishes.

This is my family. Maybe it’s your family too. Maybe you have teenagers who wear you out just like mine, or maybe they’re toddlers. Maybe you feel like a half-dead mommy sometimes, and all you can do is cry because you’re so tired. But, let me tell you that you have a Father who does not demand perfection from you, mainly because He is the one perfecting His work in you. We do everything as unto the Lord, and even though we love our kids, He has to be our first love and first priority because everyone else will leave us empty. The bottom line is that when we operate with His love and His grace, He does what we cannot do. And, while it may seem that we fight the same problems in our kids over and over and over with no end in sight, real love will win. We may still be very rough around the edges, but we have potential. We're a family of promise.

All of my love,
Sarah

PS I want to take the time to say how much I love and appreciate my own mama and daddy, and how they helped make me the mother I am today. I am sorry for all of those times when I was ungrateful or manipulative and made you all feel like less than the wonderful woman and man of God that you are. I love you very much, and I thank God for how you raised me. You’re leaving your legacy on my kids here in Honduras. And, my kids and I are so looking forward to a visit from my dad and my brother in May!

This view awaits you!