Confessions of a Ragamuffin: New Season

Hello Again

Though unintentional, I’ve been on a blogging hiatus for a few months. Since getting back from the States, things have been busy, and I’ve been trying to process it all. I’m coming up on my fourth anniversary as a missionary to Honduras, and I’m happy to see how God is stretching me and making changes in my life. It’s easy to feel like one is in the middle of a tornado when transition periods strike, but I would always prefer the uncomfortable whirlwinds to the stale, murkiness of stagnant waters.

Right now, there is no normalcy or routine, which is both good and frustrating for my schedules, to-do lists, and plans personality. I’ve been in the midst of still teaching English classes, getting further involved in ministry in Ojojona, examining the vision for Family of Promise Ministry, meeting lots of new people through the pastors in Ojojona, still meeting my obligations for my remaining kids, caring for my relationship with Raul, and dealing with the ins and outs of transportation issues, working to help Raul better manage his business, life in general, etc.

Words of Life
While in the States, I had a wonderful time of visiting with my family and seeing friends. I also utilize time in the States to read. Reading is one of the best ways I have to replenish my spiritual forces, challenge myself, and continue learning. The best way I know how to explain what God is doing in my heart and life right now is by sharing what I’ve been learning through reading and through the encounters God is giving me with people of honor. Just to give you a glimpse of what God has been using to speak to me, here is the list of what I’ve read or been reading:

Scary Close by Donald Miller – This book opened my eyes to see how untrue I am to myself and who God created me to be whenever I let fear of rejection dictate how I act (or hide) in relationships. I’d grown accustomed to giving the people what they want (time or resources) or hiding instead of giving them what they need at times—though may not want—(correction, exhortation, teaching, discipline, a solid “no,” etc.). The only area in ministry where I was able to maintain a backbone balance of love and discipline was with my children—they’ve been great sources of growth and developing bravery and character in my life. Being in ministry (especially after already dealing with lots of ministry situations that have been painful) is scary. Giving all of yourself (not just time and resources but personality, advice, opinions, and spiritual gifts) to others is a very vulnerable place to enter. As an introvert, it’s incredibly difficult. There is definitely a need for discernment in ministry, and I don’t regret having used discernment in what I choose to invest myself in whole-heartedly. However, that same guardedness can be detrimental and rob us of destiny if we are finally led by God to the prepared arena and still don’t want to jump in for fear of rejection or due to old wounds that tell us we’re always destined to be rejected. We fear pain so often, when God is the Author and Finisher of restoration. I can’t count how many times God has stitched my heart back up with threads of forgiveness, truth, and unconditional love even in the midst of humans who have failed me. When we really understand who we are in Him, we are free to be ourselves fully and unapologetically, even if the way we challenge others could cause defense or rejection. We’ll never really know the depths of our relationships until we take our shoes off, let our hair down, and present the profound flaws and gifts we have before one another.

The Ultimate Treasure Hunt by Kevin Dedmon – This is a book I have yet to put into practice but plan to. I’ve never been the type of person who is prone to sit down next to a total stranger and start evangelizing. That is often because I hate small talk, I feel like the majority of people I encounter (even here) have already heard the Gospel spiel, and I am more prone to want to offer more meaning to their personal situation. In general, this usually requires prolonged attention and listening and relationship rather than an instant-gratification speech or repeat-after-me prayer. I can’t get past the question of “What good does it do for them to “pray the prayer” if they have no one to disciple them or teach them who they are in Christ?” (Jesus did say to make disciples, not just to meet a quota of people who’ve repeated the Sinner’s Prayer.) But, they both obviously have their place. To me, the technique of “treasure hunting,” or using Holy Spirit-given words of knowledge to total strangers to initiate prayer for healing, salvation, or whatever else—basically giving someone a supernatural encounter with the love of Jesus—, is the best marriage of the two. And, the best part is how it deepens our relationship and intimacy with the Holy Spirit. My difficulty in putting this into practice has been when I mentioned previously—fear of failure or rejection, feeling like I have nothing to offer, etc., but I’m getting there.

The Biblical Guidebook to Deliverance by Randy Clark – This book is short but incredibly eye-opening. I recently read an article in which missionaries expressed what they wish they would’ve known before coming to the field. One echoed response was the need to be schooled in spiritual warfare. I second this whole-heartedly. I have learned extreme lessons in spiritual warfare from being in Honduras—whether it’s been in seeing demons manifest and people delivered, physically seeing angels, realizing the reality of generational curses, seeing the effects of witch doctors, or seeing the demonic influence my children’s attitudes. It’s the reality that the majority of the US church does not see or does not acknowledge or emphasize. I have no idea where I would’ve gone in my little town (apart from reading books and listening to messages from other places and other people) to learn the lessons of spiritual warfare that I’ve needed to learn here. Thus, I applaud this book by Randy Clark because it gives a glimpse into the world that lives beyond our senses and how to combat the roots of what causes much destruction that we simply explain away. “My people are destroyed by lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6) is the absolute truth, and if we were to lift up a generation of people skilled in spiritual warfare, we would see drastic changes in our worldwide spiritual climate.

The World’s Greatest Revivals by Fred and Sharon Wright – I don’t really know fully what God’s doing in me or what He’s preparing me for, but He has drastically been expanding my vision and globalizing my mindset. Reading this book was an awesome way to get a bigger picture of who God is and how He moves. It makes me want to be a part of a movement so much bigger than myself, to be a small building block in the construction of His Kingdom on earth. This book also really emphasizes that the current wave of revival still sweeping the earth deals with the paternity of God and how to recapture the understanding of what it means to be sons and daughters of God. This is exactly what God is restoring in my heart in terms of ministry right now. He’s teaching me how to be free in ministry because of His unconditional love and delightful covering of grace.

The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson – For a long time, I never really considered myself an intercessor because I’m not the kind of person to get up, get on my knees, and yell petitions for hours at a time. (That is completely my Raúl though.) I used to run, and while listening to worship music, God would often talk to me and place people on my heart to pray for, but my form has never “fit the mold” of what Christian society says is intercession. With that said, I am, by nature, incredibly empathetic. I have the gift of receiving the emotions of others as if I were a sponge, and it doesn’t matter if it’s standing in line at the bank, reading a comment on Facebook, or sitting in a worship service, I can’t stop intuitively “reading” the crowd. To be honest, I haven’t often seen it as a gift because I haven’t known how to use it. Often, it’s just been a source of exhaustion, and a reason for me to hide at home rather than going out into people-crowded areas that can fill me with anxiety and burdens with no warning. But, this book was so helpful in pointing out how to use that gift and that while my form may not fit the expectations of others in religious circles that I am very much an intercessor though it often comes in periods of intense worship, through prophetic painting, dance, travail, and just loving unconditionally those that no one wants to deal with. If intercession is essentially stepping in between God and others as a vessel of mercy, then that is exactly what I’ve done and continue to do with my kids and others in my life.

Encountering God through Dance by Saara Taina – For probably all of this year, God has been speaking to me through dance. This is very weird for me because while I’ve loved to dance (bob up and down more than anything else, ha ha) in praise, and it’s incredibly common and accepted here, I’ve never considered myself graceful. I never had formal dance lessons as a kid unlike many of my friends, and while I did participate in church dramas as a kid and learn some sign language, I just never saw myself as a dancer. But, God is shifting my paradigm of who I am in ministry, and it’s been prophesied over me various times in the past couple months (and had been prophesied over me in the past also) that the area in which God is going to use me for delivering and ministering to others is largely in worship. So, this book was great for expanding my thinking of the purposes and prophetic impact of dance as well as the Biblical basis for using dance in worship.

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers – This book is amazing. My friend, Beth, insisted that I read it (even buying me a copy), and it was well worth it. It had been a long time since I’d read a book of fiction. The whole premise of the book is a reinterpretation of the story of Hosea and Gomer. Though it’s difficult for me to put into words, God greatly used this book to expose me to a new depth of His love and to continue molding the orphan spirit out of my heart and thinking. It does a great job of putting into words how we can be such paradoxes of desperately needing love but so quickly rejecting real love out of fear. It gave me hope for healing for myself and others.

School of the Prophets by Kris Vallotton – I’m currently reading this book, and it’s been a great pairing with what I’ve been learning even just from the beginning of this year starting with the course I took on the prophetic in Tsebaoth Ministry. I’m learning more from Pastor Edgar in Ojojona, and I’m exciting to see what God is able to do in and through my ministry as a result of increased understanding.

Digging the Wells of Revival by Lou Engle – I will likely finish this book today, and I’ve never read anything like it. I had never heard of Lou Engle until I had the opportunity to hear him speak in a conference last year. His stories are crazy, and his life and ministry really are a testimony to the new level God is calling us to. This book, like The World’s Greatest Revivals, is greatly widening my vision and my understanding of what God wants to do. The way that Lou Engle not only values spiritual history but capitalizes on it for the expansion of God’s strategies is inspiring and mentality-changing. So often, we see the new generation want to reject the revivals and movements of the older generations. And, the older generations often want to build an altar or monument to the old movements and camp out there without ever believing that God has new movement planned. The scorn between generations is such a tactic of the enemy to limit our fruitfulness, but if we would learn to both honor the generations before us and their movements while challenging them to go deeper, be more radical, and move forward with God’s renewed creativity, we’d see new harvests unimagined. In the Kingdom, there is a law of multiplication in place. In ministry, Jesus said we’d do greater things than He did. For me, that means that I don’t ever want to be in competition with my spiritual children. Hands-down, I absolutely want them to do greater things than me. I want my ceiling to be their floor, their launch pad, into the next great movement of God.

Update on Our Story

For those of you who have kept up with the characters in my little life story, here is an update on how everyone is doing. It’s been an adventure, and while I know that God is ushering me into a new and different season in ministry, I also know that His promises and redemption stand true for the ages even if I haven’t seen them manifest yet.

Josuan has been in Ojojona living with the pastors in their House of Faith for four months now. It hasn’t been easy for him, but I am grateful to see with spiritual eyes how God is preparing him for his future. I had become a crutch for my son, so the distance between us (though I still see him often) is creating a greater dependency on God for him and is teaching me how to improve this area for future spiritual children.

Marvin has been living with his family since April. He works and says he goes to church, but he’s also lapsed into various old lifestyle habits. That is sad, but it’s also not surprising. He’s needed to suffer to recognize his need to make some stern choices. Is he ready to serve Jesus whole-heartedly and without putting his own conditions or not? Does he recognize that he can’t do it on his own or not? He says he wants to go to Ojojona, but I am not convinced that he has fully decided. So, we’ll see what happens.

Jonathan is still in Teen Challenge, and we’re in the midst of clearing up some legal situations he has pending in order to be able to send him to Ojojona with Josuan and the pastors.

I don’t have a lot of communication with Estefanny. That has mainly been because she has stayed at the church where I had been attending mainly for the kids. While God shifted me to Ojojona, where there is a shared vision and a church equipped and focused on dealing with street kids, she stayed in the other church to continue to be a part of the dance ministry. I worry about her at times because of attitudes I see in her and actions that really require discipline, but I’m not in a place of authority over her, and she hasn’t shown much interest in continuing to keep close to me or even to her brother. But, she is young, and I know that she does have a personal relationship with God. He’s holding her in His hands.

Erick (and Cristian, who I had been told was murdered) is in the boys’ juvenile delinquent center. I don’t know how long their sentences are, but Erick’s sentence is expected to be a minimum of two years, maximum of nine (consequences of disobedience and rebellion even before he left Teen Challenge to live with his mom).

Elvis went to live with his family, and I haven’t heard from him since. Jorge, however, continues in the orphanage and is doing well. He has a personal relationship with God and is disciple by the pastor of the orphanage.

Joel and Bladimir live on the streets, constantly doing drugs. And, we’ve never heard anything else from or about Jesús since he left.

God had said that I would only be left with a remnant from this season, and that is exactly how it has evolved. But, even though the short-term outcome is heartbreaking in many cases, I am so grateful for this season because I’ve learned so much. I recognize that this time has really been a preparation for greater long-term fruit. And, who am I to despise small beginnings (Zechariah 4:10)? One thing is for certain—I never again want to let ministry take the place of personal intimacy with God. It’s an ongoing temptation without a doubt. But, fruit flows from that intimacy. Rest and resources and strength all come from His presence. It’s all about ministering to His person before any others.

Perhaps my greatest fruit from this season has been Raúl. I stumbled into fighting for Raúl. He was in the middle of a season of discouragement and avoiding healing from deeply inflicted wounds. He never stopped loving God, but he completely lost sight of how much God loves him. I was just looking for something to do in terms of taking care of him, cooking for him, or whatever. But that soon evolved into a personal mission to fight for him—his calling, his ministry, and for him to see his own value to Jesus—because I didn’t see anyone else fighting for him, reaching out to him with love or hope, or calling him back to the arms of the Father. It was a long-suffering labor of love in the midst of indifference to win the battle against pain, but the reward has been priceless. Words cannot express God’s faithfulness or how I’m overwhelmed with a sense of victory when I see Raúl worshiping God in total abandon. I longed for so long to see his heart healed, his spirit free, and his burdens lifted. When I started fighting for him just as I have fought for my kids, I never expected that mission to have such a personal result. I didn’t expect that in seeing him restored and reconciled with God that I’d also be encountering the man who has the call complementary to my own. I didn’t expect that making the choice to love him unconditionally even in the midst of the pain that it caused me would eventually lead me to falling in love with him. Though I was obedient to God’s leading, many times, I couldn’t see the framework that God was laying for our relationship. Now, of course, I’m unspeakably grateful that I obeyed even when I didn’t want to, and my faithfulness in the midst of his indifference was God’s reward to Raúl, because after being with someone who betrayed him terribly through cheating and mistreatment, he’s never been so secure in the fidelity of a godly woman. And, his gratefulness shows in his treatment of me. We’ve been together for over a year now, and while we’re always going to be in the process of maturity, I am so blessed to see numerous breakthroughs that God has given us over the past year. I am thrilled to know that in the midst of so many trials (mainly with ministry and my kids) that “normal” couples don’t face, we’ve weathered the storms together with Jesus as our guide. It’s a promising start to whatever more God has in mind for the future.

A Visit
My story is expanding with new characters as I become more involved with the ministry in Ojojona. And, it’s a wonderful feeling to be developing a new support system. Next month, my mom and my sister will be coming down to do a project of expanding housing for future street kids where Pastor Edgar lives. I am excited for them to meet my new friends (and old ones that they haven’t met), and my mom is thrilled to finally get to meet her remaining grandchildren.

Blessed
To end this update, I just want to express my gratitude towards God. The past couple of months, I have been astounded by His provision and His faithfulness. After giving away my little car at God’s leading, and still being in the process of saving to buy another vehicle, within days, God provided me with transportation when Raúl unexpectedly bought a car in a deal with someone who owed him money just so that I’d have something to drive around because he didn’t want me riding on the bus. (I think he loves me…and I think he’s a keeper.) And, I’ve been amazed by the provision that has poured in from unexpected places even as I have been extending finances to others in need at God’s leading. I am blessed by God’s abundance as He cares for me, His daughter. And, I pray that He extends overflowing blessing to all of those people who have honored me with their prayers, their finances, their e-mails, their communication, etc. Honor is essentially believing in someone else, and I feel so privileged by the way that you all have believed in me—or rather Christ in me. He is so worthy. From season to season, from glory to glory, He never stops being worthy of it all.

All my love,
Sarah

PS Here are some pictures from this year. I am awful at taking pictures, but these are some of what I have on file.

Graduating from Tsebaoth's prophetic course in January

Raúl and I at graduation

The congregation in Ojojona that used to meet under a makeshift structure of wood and plastic

The construction team in Ojojona when they started building the new structure for the church

The new church structure in progress. Though not pictured, it now has half of the roof. It still lacks the rest of the roof, the walls, and the floor.