How Can You Keep Them Waiting?

Mom, myself, and Naomi

The crew from Ojojona
Back row: Yefri, Josuan, Edwin, Luis, Joseth, Cristian, Xiomara, Genesis
Front row: Pastor Edgar, Abiel, Pastor Daniela, Daniel, Juan José, Estiven, and Alex

The pastors with their two sons, Daniel and Abiel, with Naomi

Hello All,


It’s been a whirlwind couple of months that have gone by quickly. We’re nearing the end of this year before too long, and while I feel like it’s been a great (necessary) year, there’s still so much left to accomplish! This year, for me, has been a bit like an in-country sabbatical—or, at least a sabbatical from the high-pressure situations I was in for the last two years. It’s been a year of restoration and support. At the beginning of this year, when I—seemingly by chance—stumbled upon the conference in Ojojona, I was SO exhausted. I had never been so at the end of my rope. That conference was just a preview, a set-up for my entire year. I look back on who I was and my condition, and I don’t even recognize myself. The changes have been subtle but great. I can confidently say that I’m not constantly on the brink of burn-out and exhaustion, and I have found a place where I feel at home, honored, and blessed by my brothers and sisters in Christ. And, apart from that, I have a leadership that not only shares the exact same heart and vision but also has the spiritual tools to equip me better and a joyful willingness to support me and stand behind my ministry.


Previously, though I was quiet about it, I had spent years going from church to church, looking for someone who had the same heart, a church where I could take my street kid children. Some churches had the location but not the heart. Some had the strength in spiritual warfare necessary but not the leadership. Some had the vision but were full of religion. Some had the love of young people but no discipline. Some had the prophetic mantle but not the heart for the poor. No matter where I went, as had been the case since I was 18, I didn’t belong. The people were lovely. God used the periods of time I was in each of their churches, and when I left, I didn’t leave behind animosity but went in peace. But, with my kids, I was desperate for help and a support system. I was so frustrated by being so alone in the battle for my kids. I was so saddened that so many places wanted a piece of me or a piece of my kids but didn’t want our whole persons—they wanted me to serve in a position without wanting me to flow in my office in the five-fold ministry or to flow as the Holy Spirit led me. They valued my kids for their crazy testimonies and wanted them to evangelize in the name of their church but didn’t have the slightest clue about how to meet them in the middle of their continued battles with drugs and their pasts. I was carrying it all alone! But that time of frustration and fighting alone was so necessary. I carried a lot of church hurt even before I moved to Honduras. I had made every effort in my heart to forgive and carried no bitterness toward any person, but I carried SO MUCH distrust toward the church and their motives in general. Sometimes, this was completely relevant and was through discernment, but even when I found Dunamis Ministry in Ojojona, it was a hurdle to trust even people who had clean motives with me. What gave me motivation to jump that hurdle was remembering the alternative—doing it all on my own.


Now, I walk into church, and instead of being surrounded by open hands demanding a hand-out, I am surrounded by people who give me the clothes off their back when I compliment them on their shirts just because they want to bless and honor me (even when they know that I have the capacity to buy clothes). I have people who not only took on the weight of my kids to give me some relief, but they also took on the task of restoring me with love. I have people who not only give me permission to give prophetic words but push me to do so. I have people who lovingly kick my butt to get up and get back out there in ministry while simultaneously standing beside me and carrying my burdens. If I hadn’t found Dunamis, I don’t think I would’ve been able to continue being a missionary for much longer—that’s how emotionally, physically, and spiritually wrecked with exhaustion I was.


One of the signs that God gave me that He had led me to Dunamis and that I needed to let my guard down with them was through a suit jacket. For those of you who have been reading my blog for years, you may remember a suit jacket I was given by Pastor Donny Robbins of Life Church in Port Arthur, Texas, while I was on a road trip with my cousin in 2011. He gave me the (brand new) suit jacket off of his back with the instructions that I was to give it to a young man who would have the same anointing that he has. But, he was very clear that it had to fit exactly—not too big or too small—or it wasn’t for that person. For four years, I had a ridiculous number of guys try that jacket on, and it fit no one. Hondurans, in general, are shorter and smaller than people in the US. It was too big for everyone. But, one day, after visiting with Pastor Edgar of Ojojona, I caught a glimpse of that jacket still hanging in my closet, and I thought, “Bingo!” Sure enough, it fit perfectly. That church in Texas had been the first church I had felt completely at home in, was honored in, and was deeply ministered to probably since I was 12-years-old. And to have that jacket fit Pastor Edgar sent a clear signal to me.



A VISIT
My mom and sister came for about ten days towards the end of September, and it was great to have them here. My mom’s eager acceptance of Josuan as her grandson spoke volumes to people here about the unity that’s possible even with adopted kids. Having that support from my family has always been priceless to me. God is doing a special work in my family. It’s something I’ve prayed for, for many years as all of us have been damaged by church hurt, carry roots of distrust, etc. My brother had a transformative experience while at Iris Ministries’ Harvest School in Mozambique, and my mom has stated numerous times that she’ll never be the same following this trip to Honduras. I don’t know what God is up to, but I know it’s good. While they were here, Mom made a strong connection with Josuan and was able to spend time getting to know Raul. And, Naomi was able to complete her senior project in contributing to the ministry in Ojojona. While the church people were very excited to be receiving a much-needed gift, I think they were equally excited about what they had to give my family and wanting to make them feel at home and part of an extended family. Seeing that really blessed me.

While Mom and Naomi were here, we went to the streets to give out food and sweaters. This was the first time that we took a team from Ojojona, and it was like seeing my dreams become a reality. So many of the young people within the church have difficult pasts of drugs, street life, gang involvement, etc., and to see them released to minister to people from the same background was unspeakably beautiful. My dream has always been to have a team of restored street kids to go back and rescue more. That was exactly what was happening before my eyes. I hadn’t been to the streets almost in the whole year. The vision was always in place, but I just didn’t have the people to help and was too exhausted to do it alone. When we’d go in the past, I was always carrying the burden of the food, of the transportation, of the vision, of everything. I so longed to have an equipped team to be able to confidently delegate and carry out the mission with the same heart that God’s placed in me. I have worked with great people in the past with a lot of potential, but the vision that God has given me is different than anything we’ve done in the past. Now, however, Pastor Edgar and I sit and plan out our team—“Hey, God just gave me a list of people who should be on the team for your ministry to the streets.” *gives me the list* “Oh, we’re completely on the same page. Those are basically all the people I had in mind as well.” It is so refreshing to be on the same page and to have a pastor willingly, joyfully loan me his sheep for my ministry. No competition. No jealousy. Just partnership for building God’s Kingdom. So, we don’t have things completely off the ground though some of the people who went with me from the church were so inspired to continue (even though I haven’t had the resources) that they prayed in a donation of clothing, their small group is going to collaborate to donate the food, and they’re going to continue the work in their own area and invited me to honor me. What an amazing blessing.



SURPRISE!

While my mom was here, I went to pay for gas with my debit card, but it was refused. I thought perhaps it was due to a faulty machine. But, when I went to pay for groceries and was refused for insufficient funds, I called the bank. It turns out that someone stole my information and had been on a lengthy vacation on my dime to the tune of all of my checking account. I can laugh about it now, but it was quite stressful in the moment. Thankfully, everything has been reported, and currently, the bank gave me temporary credit, and the card company is investigating the case. I tell you all of this because in seeking God about this situation, I felt like God said that many times, He allows the enemy to steal from us to give us a chance to activate the promises in His Word that He has for us. This reply from God came after I had already proclaimed the example of Job over the situation—that when Satan steals from me, as a child of God, I am not only entitled to total restoration, but I’m also promised an increase. God makes no exception of persons. If He doubled Job’s blessings after he passed the test, He can do the same for me.



THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH
The Word says that nothing shall come to pass without God first telling His prophets. When Josuan had been in Teen Challenge only about a month, I had a dream in which someone was telling me a prophetic word that one of my kids would be murdered and another would go back to the streets but later return. It was a dream I prayed about a lot. Josuan returned to the streets, but it was a relapse that only lasted two and half months. I thought that the child that was murdered was Cristian, as I had been told that he’d been murdered in the boys’ juvenile delinquent center. That turned out to be false as he turned up in the boys’ juvenile delinquent center again this year. But, now that dream has sadly come to fruition. Since Erick left Teen Challenge, he was involved in some seriously dangerous activity, on the path that only leads to death in this country. I didn’t have a whole lot of concrete evidence of that though I could feel in the supernatural. I tried to warn his mother various times, but she denied it. In June, he ended up in the juvenile delinquent center for extortion and gang involvement. Though I had contact with his mom, out of wisdom for what I felt, I maintained my distance from him.


In September, she called me crying and saying that Erick had been released from the juvenile delinquent center (who knows if that’s true?) and was kidnapped. He was, in fact, kidnapped with another teenage boy in an unmarked vehicle. She had been searching for him for a week. A week later, she called me crying because two bodies of two young men were found in an abandoned house not far from where I live. They had evidence of having been tortured, shot, and burned. I went to the site to wait with her where Forensics, the police, family members, and news teams were all waiting the results. They did identify Erick and a friend by their clothes. The bodies had been in decay for nearly a week and were unrecognizable from the burns. We buried him the next day.

Erick

 It’s heartbreaking for his mother—who had already experienced the murders of her other son and of her husband years prior. But no one can touch free will. Salvation is personal. My consolation is that if he was tortured before they killed him, maybe he had time to repent and call on Jesus. He certainly had the seeds of the truth planted inside his mind and heart. I have no regrets with Erick. I poured into him while in Teen Challenge for two years. I helped him with his high school expenses. I fought for him in spiritual warfare. I had numerous conversations of warning with him. But, no one can touch free will, and the verse that states that the wages of sin are death is a complete reality here. He was knowingly playing with fire, and as a result, he basically signed his own death sentence. So, while it is a devastating loss, I continue because there are others who need the chance for rescue.



FREE WILL DECISIONS

One of the things I learned in the crash course I was thrown into in the last two years is that street kids are not rescued by simple food nor shelter nor working nor studying and not even by family. Street kids are rescued when they decide to pursue the life preserver we present them with of life with Jesus. All I can do is extend it to them. They have to be the ones to choose to paddle to it, grab it, and hold on for dear life. If I swim to them, put the life saver on their bodies and tow them to shore with no effort on their part, they never learn to swim on their own. They never develop their own will to truly live. They never learn to have a personal relationship of dependency on God…because they’re too busy depending on me and my love. It was a lesson learned the hard way.


Just yesterday, I had a small visit with Marvin who asked to come to my house. I don’t re-open doors with kids unless God puts grace in my heart towards the kid. It’s God’s signal to me that it’s safe and that they’re ready. On Saturday, before Marvin called, I felt that grace. So, when he called, I let him come. He had called Pastor Edgar a few weeks ago asking to live there in Ojojona. The pastor said no because I hadn’t spoken for him. Working with street kids is the embodiment of the verse that talks about being as gentle as a lamb but as cunning as a snake. I never understood that verse until I started working in Honduras. You have to be on your spiritual guard that in mercy you’re not inviting a demonic spirit to cause a loss of not only that young person but various others just through peer pressure to leave, fall into drugs, etc. Marvin isn’t quite ready, but the time to talk did allow me to present the conditions and the tests he has to pass of free will decisions before I’m willing to speak for him. One of which is that he has to repent and fix his relationship with Raul because he has never asked for forgiveness for stealing from him and disrespecting him. (Even that tiny test is a HUGE stretch for Marvin’s pride.) So, we’ll see what he decides.


Meanwhile, Jonathan has been living like a prisoner in danger as his old enemies are still looking to kill him. (They beat up Marvin and broke one of his teeth thinking it was his brother.) He’s another one who has to make some free will decisions about whether or not he wants to truly live or whether he wants to sign his own death sentence. The seed of truth is very present in his heart and mind. We’ll see what he decides even as we plead mercy and the blood over his life in the valley of decision.



REACTIVATED
For the past several months, I’ve had an internal battle. I’ve been busy with stuff—English classes, joining the church’s worship team, maintaining my household, participating in church ministry stuff, finalizing the legal process of my ministry, helping Raul with business plans, etc. But, I’ve been bored out of my mind, longing to get back to my ministry, to stopping for the one, to my street kids, to being the missionary I’m called to be. However, I’ve been in a tug-of-war with fear. Fear of what God is going to ask of me this time. Fear of reaching the same level of exhaustion as last time. Fear of falling into old patterns or that I didn’t learn the lessons well enough the first time. Fear of more rejection. Fear of the effects on my relationship with Raul. Fear of suffering. Fear of getting in over my head again. Fear of the criticism. Fear of loss. ETC. It’s like this—there is this one episode of the TV show Scrubs where JD, a doctor and the main character, realizes that he’s afraid of sick people and tries to avoid all of his contagious patients. It seems silly, but that is exactly how I’ve felt. I know I have a lifeline for others. It’s been prophesied over me so many times that there are captives just waiting for me to light up their darkness. But, I’ve been paralyzed in the process of restoration. I finally just told God the other day, “I am so sick of myself and of wasting time, but I can’t will myself to heal from this. So, help me out here, please?”


This past weekend, I went to an evangelism conference with Will Hart and Jamie Galloway, two of the guys from Darren Wilson’s movie, Holy Ghost. (Here is a link to Will Hart's Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/WillHartMinistries)  I can whole-heartedly say that Will Hart is one of the best speakers I’ve ever heard. (Jamie Galloway is also pretty great!) I have never encountered someone who not only really gets what the Christian life is about but also articulates it so well and with such a contagious passion. I was teary just listening to his wild testimonies of serving with Iris Ministries and Heidi Baker and being sent to the Congo in the middle of the peak of its danger with rebel groups. I had told God that I wanted to leave that conference with a breakthrough, with a difference. And, for the first time in such a long time, I felt that original childlike passion for the lost. I felt that innocent fire of desire to have an adventure with God—exactly how I felt before I took on Josuan. I was just so fearless, so ready to storm forward no matter the cost. I have wanted to return to that place (but with the increased wisdom from the tests of the last two years). I can’t say that I’m at 100% yet, but I am well on the way.



During worship/ministry time, God gave me a convicting word. All day Saturday, I was worried about time—getting there on time, returning from lunch on time—and dealing with Hondurans who feel good about themselves as long as they’re no more than an hour late. I’ve lived here for four years, but I still think Honduran time of no one getting there when they say they’re going to is for the birds. I hate making people wait or not fulfilling my word to be at a certain place at a certain time. It makes me feel like a liar. (My love language is quality time…Time is like a currency for me because you can’t buy any more, and I hate disrespecting others’ time or when someone disrespects my time. It’s like stealing something you can never get back…but I digress.) So, in ministry, God gave me a mental image of thousands of street kids. They were all singing Rich Mullin’s song, “My Deliverer,” which was a song that God gave me in 2007, the first time I went to Honduras. There is this haunting part of the song where children are singing, “My deliverer is coming. My deliverer is standing by.” It makes me cry even now just thinking about it. God took me on this tour to see all of these singing children and teenagers high on glue. Then, holding my hand, He looked at me and said, “How can you keep them waiting?” It broke my heart in the best way possible.


So, good things are happening. They’re stirring in the spiritual atmosphere. They’re already in the heart and mind of Christ, but they’re going to begin to be birthed in the natural. It’s exciting. For the first time in such a long time, I am excited about the possibility of another adventure with God. I look at Josuan who has cost me so much but has been so worth it, and I know that even if I have to drink the cup of suffering He hands to me, even if I have experience loss and betrayal, even if I get criticized, even if I’m in well over my head, it is worth it. It will all be worth it.


I’ll leave you today with some good tidbits they taught us in the evangelism conference:

God will utilize whatever you have to give—even if that is very little. You don’t have to be enough because Jesus is always enough. – Jamie Galloway

The disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray in Luke 11 after Jesus had already sent them out in Luke 10. He sent them out without that basic preparation of knowing how to pray because Jesus puts us in situations we aren’t prepared for because it’s out of faith and not out of knowledge or skill. Jesus is very comfortable with us feeling uncomfortable. – Jamie Galloway

Our mission is to bring heaven to earth and not to determine God’s motives in healing or not. That’s not our job. We’re just vessels. It’s always the will of God to heal, save, and bless. – Jamie Galloway

Everyone is called to move in all of the gifts. You may move in one at a higher level than another, but they’re all gifts of the spirit, so everyone has access to all of the gifts instead of pigeonholing oneself in only one or a couple. Any lost person that God presents in front of you with a need, you do not have the right to say, “No, sorry. You have to come to my church for that because I don’t move in that gift. Someone else does,” because that person is going to hell, and you’re the chosen one to meet that need. – Will Hart

Don’t put Satan and God on the same level fighting. It’s more like Satan and Michael are fighting. God doesn’t play on the same playing field as Satan. – Will Hart

Don’t use Satan as an excuse not to go. When you feel oppression, it’s not time to back up. It’s because you’re calling to bring light to that darkness. Stop using Satan to justify your fear. Your faith is not to protect yourself. – Will Hart

Satan cannot quench the Holy Spirit’s fire. Only you can. – Will Hart

The only way to learn to move in the gifts is to move with what you already have. You’re going to fail. You’re going to miss it. That doesn’t make you a false prophet. – Will Hart

The only way to know if it’s you imagining or if it’s God is to test it. Move on it. That’s how you find out. – Will Hart

Jesus’ greatest investment was in people. – Jamie Galloway

Don’t wait for an emergency to ask for a miracle. – Jamie Galloway

All of my love,
Sarah

PS There are a lot more pictures to show of Mom and Naomi's trip, so I'll try to do a post just of pictures soon.