Have you ever watched a kid learning to walk? Pastor Edgar’s son, Daniel, is really capable of walking, and at one point, he got brave and started standing himself up to take those wobbly steps himself. But, at some point, when someone wasn’t watching, he took a tumble as all children learning to walk do, and since then, he’s been traumatized. He wants to be independent. He wants to kick his ball and toddle around, the drive to be free pushing him to shriek when he’s encumbered. But, he wants the assurance of an adult hand or an object of steadying. It’s the ultimate inner conflict, and every time he’s pushed to walk by himself and falls, it only reinforces the fear that walking means eating dirt.
I bring up Danielito because it’s the best visual I can give you for how this year has been for me. It’s true that this year has been all about transition and pruning. It’s true that little by little, God has been taking things off of my plate that had me constantly teetering on the edge of burn-out. But, I have felt like Daniel toddling after the elusive complete restoration I need. I have some major Type A personality tendencies. I’m very task-oriented, time sensitive, and organized. I live with a constant to-do list even if Honduran time has taught me to chill and be flexible about my expectations for deadlines and productivity. Thus, when I recognize a need within myself, I want to solve the problem and move on. Just as Josuan was when his leg was broken, I just want to will myself to heal NOW and be able to head off to the next mission. I’ve struggled for a long time with relating to God as a boss. I know in my head that He is a loving Father that wants to parent me, not employ me, but my driven personality often distorts my perception of who He is.
Just like a toddler, I’ve been pursuing freedom. Freedom from mistrust of the Church. Freedom from the weight of single motherhood. Freedom from all of the loss of the past three years. Freedom from the lingering of question of, “After I’ve fought for all of these, who is going to fight for me?” I’ve been pursuing restoration with all of my heart, and along the way, God placed people in my path from Dunamis who are serving as a light and a hope. I could choose to leave my story at that and not be raw about the reality of my life in missions, but it wouldn’t be truthful. Just like Daniel, I’ve taken vital steps forward and have felt the weightlessness of freedom even if only for a moment, but it’s not long before my face is in the dirt again, and I’m wondering if I’m ever going to get brave enough to even stand once more.
I look back on this year, and I know that I’m not the same person I was at the start of this year. I’m calmer and have gained some better stability. I’m no longer camping out on the edge of burn-out. I’m certainly wiser, and I’ve learned to make the difficult choices. I’ve learned boundaries and how to better battle in spiritual warfare. I know that I’ve been given powerful gifts I was lacking that are necessary for my calling. But, part of all of that learning and receiving has been passing through fire.
My 2015 calendar in a nutshell looked like this:
January- Utter exhaustion with Josuan’s drug relapses but choosing to seek God’s face. Attending a week-long worship service and a course on the prophetic, learning so much and being fortified with words from God.
February- The loss of Josuan to drugs and the streets and unending spiritual battles for his life. Being cared for by the pastors in Ojojona in the moment when I most needed it.
March- Recovering from the loss, ditching the anger, accepting peace while receiving God’s words at a women’s conference. Jonathan’s drug relapse. Marvin’s drug relapse.
April- The return of Josuan and the loss of Marvin.
May-June-July- Recovery, finding a new balance with no kids in my house, battling loneliness and loss of identity, visiting the States, breakthroughs in my Stateside family, joining Dunamis and receiving God’s love from my brothers and sisters in Christ, and celebrating one year being with Raúl.
August- The loss of Jonathan and battles with betrayal. Learning to be brave.
September- Erick’s murder. Discovering lies from Estefanny. Words declared over my life about returning to a childlike faith and innocence.
October- Mom and Naomi’s visit, return to street ministry, and debit card info stolen.
November- Josuan’s drug relapse and his leaving Ojojona. God’s words of comfort.
December- Just. Starting.
Yes, for the first time in nearly three years, I am without kids under my responsibility. I still have Jorgito in the orphanage who I still regularly visit. But, this Christmas is going to be so drastically different from last year. The loss of Josuan was not surprising to me especially after he had a relapse into drugs two weeks before he left. God had prepared me by giving me the revelation that even God Himself couldn’t convince Cain to not fall into sin. God the Father tried to warn Cain before he de-railed his own life, but even God couldn’t (didn’t) touch Cain’s free will. (Thus, how can I demand of myself the prevention every fall or the violation of someone’s free will for their own benefit?) But, even that preparation didn’t make the blow any lesser. Josuan made the conscious decision to leave Ojojona and is now living with his biological mother (where Estefanny lives) though he has already been back into drugs. With this time around, I still had to go through the stages of telling myself I didn’t care because I knew I did all I could, but really being angry because of the hurt of the betrayal and knowing what battles are coming for him, and then out of nowhere, relief.
I was at church on a Thursday night just a couple days after he left. I had been seeking God for answers regarding why he had even come back in April if he was just going to leave again, and I really sensed that this was just part of drinking the cup of suffering of Jesus. And, now, I confidently can say that Josuan was given all of the tools he needs to fight for himself, to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and to move in spiritual warfare on his own behalf. But, he has to be the one to choose to use all of the resources he’s been given in the past three years. So, in worship, I was just presenting myself to God again. Broken and without understanding, but willing to drink the cup of suffering for the sake of Jesus. And, God spoke to me in a way that He hadn’t for a while. He said, “Sarah, do you remember when your promise ring was stolen two years ago? You cried not because of the ring itself but because of the loss of the symbol, because it was a gift from your dad, and because you had wanted it to be your children’s inheritance.” Of course, I remembered. “But, you quickly decided that I would always know where that ring is. And you told me that you trusted Me to take care of it and that if it was My will, I could bring it back to you even in the most impossible of ways, even if you’re 80-years-old.” I could already see where He was going with this… “I need you to give Me Josuan like you gave Me that ring. You feel like the enemy has stolen your son from you, but the truth is that nothing that is freely given can be stolen. Just give him to Me. I will always know where he is, and I can take care of him better than you can. And, if it’s My will and Josuan uses his free will, I can always bring him back to you in My way and timing. Just give him to me.” It was quite the encounter for me, and the conversation continued from there, finishing with a pointed feeling that this was a moment of graduation, a closing of a chapter in my life so that a new one could begin. In one swift conversation, my journey as a single mother ended.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t anticipate this new season looking like the previous season at all. And, task-oriented person that I am, I’m once again obsessing over what I’m supposed to be doing now or who I’m supposed to be. The shift of identity from mami to whatever isn’t going to be a seamless one. But, in the midst of the renewed identity crisis, He is there. Just the other day, in the midst of angrily expressing to Raúl (God bless that man for his patience with me) my feeling of being lost and subtly trying to demand that he tell me who I’m supposed to be or how I’m supposed to move forward, God interrupted me, saying ever so loudly in my spirit, “Just be loved.” (Thankfully, God has given me a man who mercifully finishes a conversation where I’ve barraged him with frustrations and accusations by wiping my tears that God’s used to shut me up.) Prior to the conversation with Raúl, I had been asking God what my one word is for the upcoming year. What could be the one-word indicator for my impending next 12 months? What could be the slogan to maintain under my breath in the midst of trials? But, He was silent until that instant. Just be loved. Beloved.
I think after three years of developing a thick skin, of fighting for broken people with orphan spirits, and learning to love fiercely without receiving anything (but loss, betrayal, and disappointment) in return, I’ve forgotten how to receive God’s love. It’s easier for me to want to move into the next task or the next mission, making myself useful and giving more, than it is for me to be still and just receive. But, the reality is that this season I just finished was birthed out of receiving. It was birthed out of a time of slowness and fullness and preparation to pour myself out as an offering on the altar. I desperately want this upcoming year to be different, but the difference isn’t going to be measured in what I do or don’t do. It’s going to be measured by the degree to which I allow myself to be loved. All real ministry flows from love, and love is a two-way street of giving AND receiving.
In this season of reflection and quieting our hearts for the revelation of what the new year holds, I hope that you’ll put your first resolution as letting yourself be loved. All other goals and tasks can wait or are secondary. The reality is that you were made first and foremost to be loved by your Heavenly Father, not even to be used in ministry. Ministry is only a bi-product of being loved. Remember, He chose us first, and He renews that pact of unconditional love every day of every year. Just be loved, beloved.
All of my love,
Sarah
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