Everything I Once Held Dear, I Count It All as Loss

The Liberty Bell

LOVE Statue in Philly

Brotherly love wth my brother, Sammy

A little piece of home in Philadelphia

The farmhouse where my dad grew up

I am so excited to see these people (Roy and Mamí Sara)!

Hello All,
It's obviously been a while since I've updated. The rest of the trip with Samuel finished well, and I've just enjoyed time being home, recharging, and packing. I have less than a week until I move, so I am in full-fledged packing mode.

To finish the trip updates, let me say that Samuel and I left from New York and headed to Philadelphia. We really liked Philly. We stayed in Apple Hostel in the older part of the city, and it was probably the nicest hostel I've ever encountered. We enjoyed walking around the city, seeing the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, and the like. We also found a free outdoor jazz concert at Penn's Landing along the river which was really enjoyable. Once again, I couldn't help but feel like God was serenading me as the sun set over the water, and the moon was rising. After the concert, Samuel had his first adventure with making a new friend who wanted help, "Mister." He was a drunk guy stumbling around asking for food, so Samuel and I hung out with him for a while. My brother and I both agreed that meeting "mister" (that's all he'd tell  us his name was) was one of the highlights of our trip. After letting Sammy take pictures with the Rocky statue and run up the stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum, we headed to Washington Crossing to meet up with a friend who used to live in Philippi and to see Heidi Baker speak. There is a lot I could say about that amazing experience, but I'm not sure how to explain other than to say that it was the perfect last stop in a summer of road tripping. She spoke from Colossians about how God wishes to not only give us faith and blessings but also patience and endurance. She also mentioned that the best news of that passage is that God qualified us. It was a perfect word for me as I move, knowing that I am entering a new adventure that I will also entail much development of patience and endurance. After praying all summer really wondering if I am truly prepared for everything I am about to do and see and be a part of, it was such a God-given comfort to be reminded that God has qualified me in a way that no seal of approval from another human being ever could. After the service, we had a very long drive home and ended the road trip around 4:45 AM on the 14th.

The summer was absolutely amazing, and I feel so blessed that I was able to travel to so many amazing places. I wondered toward the end of the trip what God's purpose was in the trip because it's not like I had any super spiritual agenda in traveling. Many people assumed I was going to drum up support for moving, but that simply wasn't God's leading. In fact, as I prayed about what God had done during the trip, I found that one of the biggest purposes was just draining me of me. The fact that God had me spend money not on something overtly spiritual (which would be much easier for me and easier to justify) or on others, but on myself simply out of obedience, was very difficult for me. But, it also taught me that my reasoning for doing anything should be obedience and out of dependency on and trust in God--not because it logically makes sense to me or others. God provided for this trip every step of the way, and as I'm about to enter a missionary lifestyle where I don't have a steady paycheck or the illusion of security in many ways, this was the exact preparation that I needed. It was difficult and stretching, but God proved to be so faithful as He promised He would be in His Word. It was also a summer where God was once again leading me into an even deeper love for Him and wonderfully lavishing His love on me. Brennan Manning helps me explain this sense in his book, The Rabbi's Heartbeat:
Coming to interior stillness requires waiting. Any attempt to hasten the process only stirs up the water anew. Guilt feelings may arise immediately. The shadow self insinuates that you are selfish, wasting time, and evading the responsibilities of family, career, ministry, and community. But silent solitude makes true speech possible and personal. If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. . . . When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. (42-44).

Recently, I headed to the farmhouse where my dad grew up and where we had stored many things after our move ten years ago. The farmhouse has always been synonymous with my childhood since we used to go with my grandmother and cousins during the summers or with my parents to camp and tube down the river. I hadn't been there in years. As I drove away from the farm with boxes of childhood in my car, I began to cry, but it was a sweet cry. I just began to offer all of my past things, memories, and self to God as an offering. Here are my very first fruits, Papa. May they be pleasing to You. I am so pleasantly at rest. Parts of this life change are undoubtedly going to hurt, but my eyes are on Jesus. He's my hiding place. I am secure in His ultimate good and excited to see what He wants to do. I have no plans or expectations of my own. It's all mystery and open horizon.

Going through the boxes of my childhood (I kept everything!) was fun and encouraging because in the midst of that continual wonder of whether or not I'm prepared to move, I was able to see how God's been preparing me since I was very young. Ultimately, the best preparation has been realizing that all the preparation means nothing if my eyes aren't on Jesus or if I'm not saturated with His presence. And in the midst of loss and goodbyes, I have come back to Luke 14, which is entirely a good chapter, but here's an excerpt:
If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his [own] father and mother [in the sense of indifference to or relative disregard for them in comparison with his attitude toward God] and [likewise] his wife and children and brothers and sisters--[yes] and even his own life also--he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not persevere and carry his own cross and come after (follow) Me cannot be My disciple. . . . So then, any of you who does not forsake (renounce, surrender claim to, give up, say good-bye to) all that he has cannot be My disciple. (Amplified Version)

And, my heart's cry, as a friend so appropriately sent to me, is Philippians 3:8:
Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs) in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One). (Amplified Version)  

Naomi and I watched the movie, The Help, last night. It was a good movie and particularly appropriate for me at this time. I like the message and truth that when someone is willing to be courageous and take a risk, it empowers others to be brave risk takers as well. Life with Christ is always a beautiful risk, and I only hope that my impending life adventure spurs others on to have their own. I am in a most joyous state of brokenness as I receive phone calls from Mamí Sara, e-mails from Roy, and text messages from Papí Alvin. I have waited for this move for four and a half years; I am indeed ready to go home.

Waiting for my real life to begin (there's not much longer to wait now)...
Sarah

New York, New York



A rainbow hovering over Narragansett Beach, Rhode Island



Downtown Providence, Rhode Island

A sign in the Upper West Side of New York City...I doubt my Honduran friends could drive here without getting a penalty! Anyone who has driven in Honduras should know what I'm talking about...

Sunset in Riverside Park

Times Square

Rockefeller Plaza

Hello from the Big Apple!


We enjoyed Boston—actually, Samuel is convinced that Boston is one of his new favorite places. It poured the rain the only full day that we were there, but we ventured to the North End anyway. We stumbled upon an Italian festival for a Catholic saint, and we saw the North Church, the Paul Revere statue, and a few other attractions of the area. By the end of our exploring, we were absolutely soaked. Hilariously enough, as soon as we emerged from the parking garage, the rain went away, the sky cleared, and the sun came out. We drove by Fenway Park just so Samuel could see it and then headed back to Cambridge where we were staying. Samuel played basketball with some neighborhood guys (which I’m pretty sure is the biggest reason he thinks Boston is one of his new favorite places). The next morning, we got up and headed to Rhode Island. For whatever reason, Rhode Island is a state I’ve wanted to go to for a long time, and I will gladly say that I really liked it. We stayed at Fisherman’s Memorial State Park which is not far from Narragansett Beach. We set up camp and then headed to Narragansett Beach which was very beautiful with some pretty large waves. It was raining some of the time we were there, but after a while, the rain stopped and left a beautiful rainbow just hovering over the water. I’d never seen anything like that before. It started to lightning eventually, so we headed back to camp where we ate refried beans from a can and tortillas. I still stand by the fact that this is one of my favorite meals. I am just as happy eating it as I am eating in some fancy restaurant.
The following day we got up and went to Scarborough State Beach. It was very busy, but the skies were pretty clear. We played in the ocean, and Samuel, stubborn child that he is, refused to put any sunscreen on, which resulted in a terrible burn all over his body. I can’t say that I don’t understand—it used to be that just about every summer, I’d convince myself that if I just let myself get a little sun, it’d turn to a tan. This simply is not the case for me, but it took many burns for me to finally accept myself as the pasty, white kid who needs to bathe in sunscreen. I will, however, say that his learning of this lesson was not the greatest of timing. After Scarborough, we headed to Providence. I really like Providence. We walked around a lot around the downtown area. It was very quiet but also pretty despite the overcast clouds and occasional rain. Samuel and I caught a movie and had some dinner at Providence Place mall—probably the largest mall Samuel’s ever been to except maybe Multiplaza in Tegus. After the movie, we headed back to camp. It poured the rain the whole way there which did not bode well for sleeping in the tent. Samuel, with his burn, could only sleep sitting up anyway, so he was already planning on sleeping in the car. Thus, it was just me in the tent with the pouring rain. Our campsite was all pretty much downhill, so water was seeping in the front door of the tent. After fitfully trying to sleep, all I could think about were the people who live in the dump in Tegucigalpa. There’s an entire rainy season in Honduras, and they have no where else to go except their little shacks made out of cardboard, plastic scraps, and the like. There is no shade from the sun and no reliable shelter from the rain. I can’t imagine what that feels like. I know that humans are able to adapt to many things, but I had the comfort that I could go into the car if need be, and eventually, I wouldn’t have to be camping anyway. It put the stupidity of self-pity into perspective for me.

The next morning, after everything dried out, we headed to New York, where we are now. We’re staying in Queens, but we went to Manhattan last night and will likely venture there again today. Sammy was so convinced months ago that we was going to love New York even though I cautioned him that it’s not everything it’s cracked up to be. It’s a cool place to experience (Spanish Harlem is my favorite), but it’s also tiring and overwhelming. After five hours of walking and exploring and subway riding with his all-over sunburn, Samuel was dead tired. Ironically enough, after navigating us to Queens, driving in New York City traffic, navigating the subway and the Upper West Side, finding my way in Times Square and Rockefeller Center, we got lost walking from the subway station in Jamaica to the house where we’re staying. For the most part, though, all of this traveling has sharpened my sense of direction and made me a better driver. It has also made me braver. If I can pick up and go to New York City, what’s to stop me from picking up and going to another city in another country? One of the lessons of this trip has been that if God says to go somewhere or do something, you just have to do it because you can.

Heidi Baker often says there is no “no” left in her for Jesus. I learned a while back that that doesn’t just mean that she can’t disobey God when He tells her to do something. It’s not just a matter of will; it’s also a matter of ability. She can’t tell Him, “no, I can’t do that,” if He tells her to do something even if it seems absolutely impossible. It’s true for all of us because the point is dependency on God. This is a lesson that has me in its grips at the moment although it’s a lifelong, ever-renewing lesson, I know. The closer I get to moving, the more loss I experience, and the more of myself has to die. I only want to be obedient. Being obedient means being out of control, though, and often, I find myself asking God for the bravery to trust Him with all things rather than relying on any illusions of my own control—I don’t have any. A song that speaks to where I am right now is “Empty Me Out” by Telecast:
Empty me out, fill me with You
Lord, there is nothing I can give to You
I lay down my life
Here at Your feet
You give me life so completely
So completely


I died with You, was buried with You
The moment I believed
I rose with You, ascended with You
Into the heavenlies

Lord, it’s not me
It’s You inside of me
Jesus, You are all these eyes can see
Lord, it’s not me
It’s You inside of me
Jesus, You are all that these eyes can see

In the midst of the stretching, I have received so much comfort from testimonies and stories from other faith-filled missionaries who live dependently on God. In addition to Heidi and Rolland Baker, Corrie ten Boom and her book Tramp for the Lord have been major encouragements. Her stories are convicting and thought-provoking. For example, after she was permitted to leave Ravensbruck, a concentration camp during the Holocaust, God directed her to travel the world telling others of Jesus. Eventually, God told Corrie that was not to ask anyone for money or support but that she should depend on Him to supply her needs. Here is an excerpt from Tramp for the Lord:

God takes His prohibition of asking for money very seriously just as He means it seriously when he says He will care for and protect us. However, if we seek to raise our own money then God will let us do it—by ourselves. Many times we will be able to raise great amounts of money by human persuasion or downright perseverance in asking. But we will miss the far greater blessing of letting Him supply all our needs according to His own riches. (85-86).

I know that many missionaries would argue her point, but I think she is absolutely right. Furthermore, I believe what she’s saying is biblical. One of the scriptures that stuck out to me during my first summer in Honduras was in Matthew 10:9-10. I think The Message puts it best:

Don't think you have to put on a fund-raising campaign before you start. You don't need a lot of equipment. You are the equipment, and all you need to keep that going is three meals a day. Travel light.

From here on out, I believe my position on fundraising is simple—God will supply all my needs. I am not at the mercy of the purse strings of other human beings. If I have a need, I will make it known to my Father and throw myself on His mercy. He will always show me what to do, and He will provide according to His will (not mine) because either the Bible is true and Jesus is right, or the Bible is a lie, and Jesus is a liar. I choose to trust and depend on my loving Heavenly Father.

Meanwhile, tomorrow will make only 3 weeks until I move to Honduras which is astounding. This summer went by so fast, as I knew it would! Samuel and I have only 2-3 days on the road after this one, which is good because he is ready to be home already. Once home, I begin the frenzy of seeing people, going through the remainder of stuff, and packing, packing, packing! I’m excited—I want the adventure to begin!
I’m waiting for my real life to begin…

With love,

Sarah

Something Better

Hello All,

Well, Samuel and I are about halfway through this trip, and after so much traveling this summer, the lessons of the road are beginning to surface. At the end of the school year, God really opened my eyes to the story of Jacob wrestling God as I explained in an earlier entry: http://confessionsofaragamuffin.blogspot.com/2011/05/jacob-wrestling-with-god.html
I knew from the weight that this story and its revelations carried that this summer would be a time for God to teach me how to stop being an Esau--a doer--and to be an Israel--someone who allows God to strive. Furthermore, the story of Ruth was so important to me at the end of the school year as well and during the trip with Gabrielle. God made it clear to me before the summer began that I was to undergo a time on the threshing floor where He would be separating the wheat and the chaff in my life, the things that are relevant and useful for His Kingdom and the things that need to be discarded, the distractions. Looking back over this entire year to last summer, I also recall that I knew that God was teaching me to want something better. Elisabeth Elliot indicated her journey through this lesson in her book, Passion and Purity:
My heart was saying, 'Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long.' The Lord was answering, 'I must teach you to long for something better.'
This has undoubtedly been the case for me over the past year. Every idea I had for myself and my future has been completely turned upside down--even the things that God had shown me. It's not that His promises have changed; it's that my heart's desires, my priorities, and the contexts of those promises have changed drastically.

To put it simply, I have been so ruined (in a good way) in the past year. I don't want a "normal" life; I don't even want to be a "normal" missionary anymore. I remember being younger and hearing or reading stories about missionaries that were seeing people raised from the dead, people healed, etc., and thinking, "Why does that happen there and not happen here in the US?" When I asked my dad about it, he said something to the effect that the people there are hungry for it, seeking God for it, and are more desperate for it than the people in the US. And furthermore, they believe it's possible whereas people in the western world tend to be skeptics. Then, my family went to a church for a short period of two years where things like healings happened. God's tangible presence was in the church all the time, and it positively wrecked us all because it gave us a small taste of what is possible. But, I have learned that God doesn't mean for us to get fat on His presence either. He fills us up to pour us out. It's an everflowing cycle. There are so many movements especially in western charismatic churches that are so selfish with the presence of God. God wants to fill us up; He wants us to invite Him into every aspect of our lives without compartments of church or religion. But, He fills us up so that we can go to the poor, the broken, the dying, the hungry, and the heartbroken with His love and His presence. If we sit soaking all the time, we become stagnant.

A lot of my "ruination" has come from seeing the lives of Heidi and Rolland Baker. I know I have mentioned them numerous times, but it's because they have become living examples of everything I always wanted to believe was possible in my childhood but didn't have a concrete example to show me the way. They are regular people. They are not any more spiritual than you or me, but they've seen hundreds of people healed, close to 100 people raised from the dead, and the multitudes in Mozambique come to Jesus because of Jesus' love and for no other, human-related reason. And, I am crazy enough to believe that if it can happen in Mozambique, it can happen in Honduras. God has truly taught me to want something better. As a missionary, I don't want to have a strategy. I don't want to do anything on my own. I don't want to assume I know what is God's best. I want to seek Him in all things. I want to take time to listen to Him, to be still, to rest and be refilled so that I can effectively be useful for His Kingdom. In short, I don't ever want to build my own kingdom in Jesus' name. It all has to be His work, or I don't want to have anything to do with it.

So, here, in the midst of Boston, I am overwhelmed with a restlessness for Honduras--not because it is home but because it is where God is sending me. I am ruined. I am chomping at the bit to try out these spiritual wings, to be thrust into an even greater dependency on the Father. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can ever satisfy me. That has been the greatest lesson of this trip. I have seen so many natural wonders. I have seen so many man-made attractions. I have been to so many places in the US where people like to brag they've seen just for the sake of bragging. But, it's all worthless compared to His Kingdom. Where is its eternal value? There is no location that satiates like His presence. There is no movie or television program that entertains like the wonders of the Holy Spirit. There is no food or specialty that quenches the hunger built into us all for His Kingdom. There is no other person who warms the heart like my first love, Jesus. There is no amount of money that provides the security of the Heavenly Father's jealous love for us. There is no occupation that can fulfill like being a broken, lowly vessel of God because nothing that we do in and of ourselves is work of the Kingdom. I don't want to chase after anything else but Jesus. Nothing else matters but His Kingdom. I don't want to waste any more time consumed by the things of this world.

Matthew 6:33:
But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.
from Hebrews 11:
Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceives as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]. . . .
But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out]. . . .
[Aroused] by faith Moses, when he had grown to maturity and become great, refused to be called the son of Pharoah's daughter, because he preferred to share the oppression [suffer the hardships] and bear the shame of the people of God rather to have the fleeting enjoyment of a sinful life. He considered the contempt and abuse and shame [borne for the Christ (the Messiah Who was to come)] to be greater wealth than all the treasures of Egypt, for he looked forward and away to the reward (recompense). [Motivated] by faith he left Egypt behind him, being unawed and undismayed by the wrath of the king; for he never flinched but held staunchly to his purpose and endured steadfastly as one who gazed on Him Who is invisible.
from Hebrews 13:
Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. . . .
So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is My Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me? . . .
Strengthen (complete, perfect) and make you what you ought to be and equip you with everything good that you may carry out His will; [while He Himself] works in you and accomplishes that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ (the Messiah); to Whom be the glory forever and ever (to the ages of the ages). Amen (so be it).

With love,
Sarah

Boston, Massachusetts

Sunset over Lake Ontario

Niagara Falls at night

Fireworks over Niagara Falls

My brother, Sammy, and I

Niagara Falls

Horseshoe Falls

Bar Harbor, Maine

Hello All,
Well, I'm on the road again--this time it is with my brother instead of my cousin, which makes for a decidedly different dynamic. Today is actually Samuel's birthday, and in typical Samuel fashion, he is enjoying it at the first basketball court he could find where we are currently staying--Boston, Massachusetts.

We left on August 1, and headed first to Niagara Falls, staying at a campground located right on Lake Ontario with a view of the Toronto, Canada skyline. It was beautiful. Our first night we arrived there, and God immediately provided us with the unexpected gift of fireworks over the illuminated falls. Samuel was small child-excited which was so enjoyable for me to watch. This is actually the most time that he and I have spent together in a long time--we both agree that he probably couldn't have handled road tripping for as long as Gabrielle and I did. Just in the 6 days we've been on this trip, I have questioned how Gabrielle and I road tripped for as long as we did. I am so ready for a sense of home and stability. After spending two days at Niagara, we headed for Brattleboro, Vermont, a half-way point between Niagara and Lamoine State Park, Maine. We wandered around the cute, little town and had a picnic of food we bought from a local co-op. Then we headed to a local, downtown movie theater that was old and charming. It reminded me of the Opera House in Shepherdstown where I went to college. We both enjoyed the movie Crazy, Stupid Love and then headed to an abandoned Walmart parking lot where we slept in the car for the night. The next morning, we got up and headed to Lamoine, which were the cheapest and closest accommodations to Bar Harbor that I could find. It rained the entire way but stopped long enough for us to set up our campsite. We headed to Bar Harbor that evening and enjoyed some seafood and walking around the quaint tourist spot. It's really nice. Being as it was dark, and we were tired, we went to bed early. The next day, we headed to Acadia National Park which is truly beautiful, and Samuel finally got to see the ocean instead of a bay, which he'd been adamant about. However, the water was so cold (55 degrees F.) that we didn't swim. Ha ha. Today, we left Lamoine and made our way to Boston, stopping in Bangor to have lunch with a family friend that we had met from our church in Lewisburg. It's always so nice to see people who contributed to who we've grown to be.

We haven't seen too much of Boston yet, but I have to remind myself that this is the first major city (other than Tegucigalpa, oddly enough) that my brother has been to. I am all ready to hit the sights and have a destination, and he's wandering in the wonder of it all. Being with Samuel has refreshed my approach to travel. It's easy after traveling so much this summer to forget the wonder of the little things, to become spoiled and jaded by so many new sites that merely remind me of old places or seem to pale in comparison to past locations. But, I have to remember to take each individual moment as its own, separate from the past or even future experiences. This is easier said than done, especially now when everything relates to Honduras for me.
Nearly every other thought at this point relates to Honduras, and I dream about it almost every night. On the 3rd, I hit one month until I move. In some ways, I'm not ready at all--I still have stuff to go through and people to see. But in others, I have already checked out and am already in Honduras. Most of the music I listen to (by choice...Samuel occasionally claims control of road tunes) is in Spanish, and my brain lights up any time I hear anyone speaking it or see a sign in Spanish. My mind keeps turning over that idea that when I get off the plane this time, it's to stay. It's to make a new home. It's scary, but I love it.

Recently, I read a book called Soaring with the Eagles, by Kenneth Hagin, a book my grandmother got me, knowing how much I like eagles. A particular excerpt fits my current state perfectly:
If you're ever going to soar with the eagles, you have to be willing to trust God and leave the security of the nest. And if you're ever going to receive the things you believe God has spoken to your heart and see them come to pass, you have to be willing to try your spiritual wings. (24).
I also have been reading in Hebrews currently, and it, too, speaks to my heart:
from Hebrews 10:
Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward. For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised. . . . But the just shall live by faith . . .; and if he draws back and shrinks in fear, My soul has no delight or pleasure in him.
I want God to take pleasure in me, and this verse clearly states that for God to delight in me, I have to be willing to live by faith, to venture into the unknown.

Until next time,
Sarah