Something Better

Hello All,

Well, Samuel and I are about halfway through this trip, and after so much traveling this summer, the lessons of the road are beginning to surface. At the end of the school year, God really opened my eyes to the story of Jacob wrestling God as I explained in an earlier entry: http://confessionsofaragamuffin.blogspot.com/2011/05/jacob-wrestling-with-god.html
I knew from the weight that this story and its revelations carried that this summer would be a time for God to teach me how to stop being an Esau--a doer--and to be an Israel--someone who allows God to strive. Furthermore, the story of Ruth was so important to me at the end of the school year as well and during the trip with Gabrielle. God made it clear to me before the summer began that I was to undergo a time on the threshing floor where He would be separating the wheat and the chaff in my life, the things that are relevant and useful for His Kingdom and the things that need to be discarded, the distractions. Looking back over this entire year to last summer, I also recall that I knew that God was teaching me to want something better. Elisabeth Elliot indicated her journey through this lesson in her book, Passion and Purity:
My heart was saying, 'Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long.' The Lord was answering, 'I must teach you to long for something better.'
This has undoubtedly been the case for me over the past year. Every idea I had for myself and my future has been completely turned upside down--even the things that God had shown me. It's not that His promises have changed; it's that my heart's desires, my priorities, and the contexts of those promises have changed drastically.

To put it simply, I have been so ruined (in a good way) in the past year. I don't want a "normal" life; I don't even want to be a "normal" missionary anymore. I remember being younger and hearing or reading stories about missionaries that were seeing people raised from the dead, people healed, etc., and thinking, "Why does that happen there and not happen here in the US?" When I asked my dad about it, he said something to the effect that the people there are hungry for it, seeking God for it, and are more desperate for it than the people in the US. And furthermore, they believe it's possible whereas people in the western world tend to be skeptics. Then, my family went to a church for a short period of two years where things like healings happened. God's tangible presence was in the church all the time, and it positively wrecked us all because it gave us a small taste of what is possible. But, I have learned that God doesn't mean for us to get fat on His presence either. He fills us up to pour us out. It's an everflowing cycle. There are so many movements especially in western charismatic churches that are so selfish with the presence of God. God wants to fill us up; He wants us to invite Him into every aspect of our lives without compartments of church or religion. But, He fills us up so that we can go to the poor, the broken, the dying, the hungry, and the heartbroken with His love and His presence. If we sit soaking all the time, we become stagnant.

A lot of my "ruination" has come from seeing the lives of Heidi and Rolland Baker. I know I have mentioned them numerous times, but it's because they have become living examples of everything I always wanted to believe was possible in my childhood but didn't have a concrete example to show me the way. They are regular people. They are not any more spiritual than you or me, but they've seen hundreds of people healed, close to 100 people raised from the dead, and the multitudes in Mozambique come to Jesus because of Jesus' love and for no other, human-related reason. And, I am crazy enough to believe that if it can happen in Mozambique, it can happen in Honduras. God has truly taught me to want something better. As a missionary, I don't want to have a strategy. I don't want to do anything on my own. I don't want to assume I know what is God's best. I want to seek Him in all things. I want to take time to listen to Him, to be still, to rest and be refilled so that I can effectively be useful for His Kingdom. In short, I don't ever want to build my own kingdom in Jesus' name. It all has to be His work, or I don't want to have anything to do with it.

So, here, in the midst of Boston, I am overwhelmed with a restlessness for Honduras--not because it is home but because it is where God is sending me. I am ruined. I am chomping at the bit to try out these spiritual wings, to be thrust into an even greater dependency on the Father. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can ever satisfy me. That has been the greatest lesson of this trip. I have seen so many natural wonders. I have seen so many man-made attractions. I have been to so many places in the US where people like to brag they've seen just for the sake of bragging. But, it's all worthless compared to His Kingdom. Where is its eternal value? There is no location that satiates like His presence. There is no movie or television program that entertains like the wonders of the Holy Spirit. There is no food or specialty that quenches the hunger built into us all for His Kingdom. There is no other person who warms the heart like my first love, Jesus. There is no amount of money that provides the security of the Heavenly Father's jealous love for us. There is no occupation that can fulfill like being a broken, lowly vessel of God because nothing that we do in and of ourselves is work of the Kingdom. I don't want to chase after anything else but Jesus. Nothing else matters but His Kingdom. I don't want to waste any more time consumed by the things of this world.

Matthew 6:33:
But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.
from Hebrews 11:
Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceives as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]. . . .
But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out]. . . .
[Aroused] by faith Moses, when he had grown to maturity and become great, refused to be called the son of Pharoah's daughter, because he preferred to share the oppression [suffer the hardships] and bear the shame of the people of God rather to have the fleeting enjoyment of a sinful life. He considered the contempt and abuse and shame [borne for the Christ (the Messiah Who was to come)] to be greater wealth than all the treasures of Egypt, for he looked forward and away to the reward (recompense). [Motivated] by faith he left Egypt behind him, being unawed and undismayed by the wrath of the king; for he never flinched but held staunchly to his purpose and endured steadfastly as one who gazed on Him Who is invisible.
from Hebrews 13:
Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. . . .
So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is My Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me? . . .
Strengthen (complete, perfect) and make you what you ought to be and equip you with everything good that you may carry out His will; [while He Himself] works in you and accomplishes that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ (the Messiah); to Whom be the glory forever and ever (to the ages of the ages). Amen (so be it).

With love,
Sarah