Be/loved

Have you ever watched a kid learning to walk? Pastor Edgar’s son, Daniel, is really capable of walking, and at one point, he got brave and started standing himself up to take those wobbly steps himself. But, at some point, when someone wasn’t watching, he took a tumble as all children learning to walk do, and since then, he’s been traumatized. He wants to be independent. He wants to kick his ball and toddle around, the drive to be free pushing him to shriek when he’s encumbered. But, he wants the assurance of an adult hand or an object of steadying. It’s the ultimate inner conflict, and every time he’s pushed to walk by himself and falls, it only reinforces the fear that walking means eating dirt.



I bring up Danielito because it’s the best visual I can give you for how this year has been for me. It’s true that this year has been all about transition and pruning. It’s true that little by little, God has been taking things off of my plate that had me constantly teetering on the edge of burn-out. But, I have felt like Daniel toddling after the elusive complete restoration I need. I have some major Type A personality tendencies. I’m very task-oriented, time sensitive, and organized. I live with a constant to-do list even if Honduran time has taught me to chill and be flexible about my expectations for deadlines and productivity. Thus, when I recognize a need within myself, I want to solve the problem and move on. Just as Josuan was when his leg was broken, I just want to will myself to heal NOW and be able to head off to the next mission. I’ve struggled for a long time with relating to God as a boss. I know in my head that He is a loving Father that wants to parent me, not employ me, but my driven personality often distorts my perception of who He is.



Just like a toddler, I’ve been pursuing freedom. Freedom from mistrust of the Church. Freedom from the weight of single motherhood. Freedom from all of the loss of the past three years. Freedom from the lingering of question of, “After I’ve fought for all of these, who is going to fight for me?” I’ve been pursuing restoration with all of my heart, and along the way, God placed people in my path from Dunamis who are serving as a light and a hope. I could choose to leave my story at that and not be raw about the reality of my life in missions, but it wouldn’t be truthful. Just like Daniel, I’ve taken vital steps forward and have felt the weightlessness of freedom even if only for a moment, but it’s not long before my face is in the dirt again, and I’m wondering if I’m ever going to get brave enough to even stand once more.



I look back on this year, and I know that I’m not the same person I was at the start of this year. I’m calmer and have gained some better stability. I’m no longer camping out on the edge of burn-out. I’m certainly wiser, and I’ve learned to make the difficult choices. I’ve learned boundaries and how to better battle in spiritual warfare. I know that I’ve been given powerful gifts I was lacking that are necessary for my calling. But, part of all of that learning and receiving has been passing through fire.


 
My 2015 calendar in a nutshell looked like this:
January- Utter exhaustion with Josuan’s drug relapses but choosing to seek God’s face. Attending a week-long worship service and a course on the prophetic, learning so much and being fortified with words from God.
February- The loss of Josuan to drugs and the streets and unending spiritual battles for his life. Being cared for by the pastors in Ojojona in the moment when I most needed it.
March- Recovering from the loss, ditching the anger, accepting peace while receiving God’s words at a women’s conference. Jonathan’s drug relapse. Marvin’s drug relapse.
April- The return of Josuan and the loss of Marvin.
May-June-July- Recovery, finding a new balance with no kids in my house, battling loneliness and loss of identity, visiting the States, breakthroughs in my Stateside family, joining Dunamis and receiving God’s love from my brothers and sisters in Christ, and celebrating one year being with Raúl.
August- The loss of Jonathan and battles with betrayal. Learning to be brave.
September- Erick’s murder. Discovering lies from Estefanny. Words declared over my life about returning to a childlike faith and innocence.
October- Mom and Naomi’s visit, return to street ministry, and debit card info stolen.
November- Josuan’s drug relapse and his leaving Ojojona. God’s words of comfort.
December- Just. Starting.



Yes, for the first time in nearly three years, I am without kids under my responsibility. I still have Jorgito in the orphanage who I still regularly visit. But, this Christmas is going to be so drastically different from last year. The loss of Josuan was not surprising to me especially after he had a relapse into drugs two weeks before he left. God had prepared me by giving me the revelation that even God Himself couldn’t convince Cain to not fall into sin. God the Father tried to warn Cain before he de-railed his own life, but even God couldn’t (didn’t) touch Cain’s free will. (Thus, how can I demand of myself the prevention every fall or the violation of someone’s free will for their own benefit?) But, even that preparation didn’t make the blow any lesser. Josuan made the conscious decision to leave Ojojona and is now living with his biological mother (where Estefanny lives) though he has already been back into drugs. With this time around, I still had to go through the stages of telling myself I didn’t care because I knew I did all I could, but really being angry because of the hurt of the betrayal and knowing what battles are coming for him, and then out of nowhere, relief.




I was at church on a Thursday night just a couple days after he left. I had been seeking God for answers regarding why he had even come back in April if he was just going to leave again, and I really sensed that this was just part of drinking the cup of suffering of Jesus. And, now, I confidently can say that Josuan was given all of the tools he needs to fight for himself, to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and to move in spiritual warfare on his own behalf. But, he has to be the one to choose to use all of the resources he’s been given in the past three years. So, in worship, I was just presenting myself to God again. Broken and without understanding, but willing to drink the cup of suffering for the sake of Jesus. And, God spoke to me in a way that He hadn’t for a while. He said, “Sarah, do you remember when your promise ring was stolen two years ago? You cried not because of the ring itself but because of the loss of the symbol, because it was a gift from your dad, and because you had wanted it to be your children’s inheritance.” Of course, I remembered. “But, you quickly decided that I would always know where that ring is. And you told me that you trusted Me to take care of it and that if it was My will, I could bring it back to you even in the most impossible of ways, even if you’re 80-years-old.” I could already see where He was going with this… “I need you to give Me Josuan like you gave Me that ring. You feel like the enemy has stolen your son from you, but the truth is that nothing that is freely given can be stolen. Just give him to Me. I will always know where he is, and I can take care of him better than you can. And, if it’s My will and Josuan uses his free will, I can always bring him back to you in My way and timing. Just give him to me.” It was quite the encounter for me, and the conversation continued from there, finishing with a pointed feeling that this was a moment of graduation, a closing of a chapter in my life so that a new one could begin. In one swift conversation, my journey as a single mother ended.




I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t anticipate this new season looking like the previous season at all. And, task-oriented person that I am, I’m once again obsessing over what I’m supposed to be doing now or who I’m supposed to be. The shift of identity from mami to whatever isn’t going to be a seamless one. But, in the midst of the renewed identity crisis, He is there. Just the other day, in the midst of angrily expressing to Raúl (God bless that man for his patience with me) my feeling of being lost and subtly trying to demand that he tell me who I’m supposed to be or how I’m supposed to move forward, God interrupted me, saying ever so loudly in my spirit, “Just be loved.” (Thankfully, God has given me a man who mercifully finishes a conversation where I’ve barraged him with frustrations and accusations by wiping my tears that God’s used to shut me up.) Prior to the conversation with Raúl, I had been asking God what my one word is for the upcoming year. What could be the one-word indicator for my impending next 12 months? What could be the slogan to maintain under my breath in the midst of trials? But, He was silent until that instant. Just be loved. Beloved.




I think after three years of developing a thick skin, of fighting for broken people with orphan spirits, and learning to love fiercely without receiving anything (but loss, betrayal, and disappointment) in return, I’ve forgotten how to receive God’s love. It’s easier for me to want to move into the next task or the next mission, making myself useful and giving more, than it is for me to be still and just receive. But, the reality is that this season I just finished was birthed out of receiving. It was birthed out of a time of slowness and fullness and preparation to pour myself out as an offering on the altar. I desperately want this upcoming year to be different, but the difference isn’t going to be measured in what I do or don’t do. It’s going to be measured by the degree to which I allow myself to be loved. All real ministry flows from love, and love is a two-way street of giving AND receiving.




In this season of reflection and quieting our hearts for the revelation of what the new year holds, I hope that you’ll put your first resolution as letting yourself be loved. All other goals and tasks can wait or are secondary. The reality is that you were made first and foremost to be loved by your Heavenly Father, not even to be used in ministry. Ministry is only a bi-product of being loved. Remember, He chose us first, and He renews that pact of unconditional love every day of every year. Just be loved, beloved.



All of my love,
Sarah

How Can You Keep Them Waiting?

Mom, myself, and Naomi

The crew from Ojojona
Back row: Yefri, Josuan, Edwin, Luis, Joseth, Cristian, Xiomara, Genesis
Front row: Pastor Edgar, Abiel, Pastor Daniela, Daniel, Juan José, Estiven, and Alex

The pastors with their two sons, Daniel and Abiel, with Naomi

Hello All,


It’s been a whirlwind couple of months that have gone by quickly. We’re nearing the end of this year before too long, and while I feel like it’s been a great (necessary) year, there’s still so much left to accomplish! This year, for me, has been a bit like an in-country sabbatical—or, at least a sabbatical from the high-pressure situations I was in for the last two years. It’s been a year of restoration and support. At the beginning of this year, when I—seemingly by chance—stumbled upon the conference in Ojojona, I was SO exhausted. I had never been so at the end of my rope. That conference was just a preview, a set-up for my entire year. I look back on who I was and my condition, and I don’t even recognize myself. The changes have been subtle but great. I can confidently say that I’m not constantly on the brink of burn-out and exhaustion, and I have found a place where I feel at home, honored, and blessed by my brothers and sisters in Christ. And, apart from that, I have a leadership that not only shares the exact same heart and vision but also has the spiritual tools to equip me better and a joyful willingness to support me and stand behind my ministry.


Previously, though I was quiet about it, I had spent years going from church to church, looking for someone who had the same heart, a church where I could take my street kid children. Some churches had the location but not the heart. Some had the strength in spiritual warfare necessary but not the leadership. Some had the vision but were full of religion. Some had the love of young people but no discipline. Some had the prophetic mantle but not the heart for the poor. No matter where I went, as had been the case since I was 18, I didn’t belong. The people were lovely. God used the periods of time I was in each of their churches, and when I left, I didn’t leave behind animosity but went in peace. But, with my kids, I was desperate for help and a support system. I was so frustrated by being so alone in the battle for my kids. I was so saddened that so many places wanted a piece of me or a piece of my kids but didn’t want our whole persons—they wanted me to serve in a position without wanting me to flow in my office in the five-fold ministry or to flow as the Holy Spirit led me. They valued my kids for their crazy testimonies and wanted them to evangelize in the name of their church but didn’t have the slightest clue about how to meet them in the middle of their continued battles with drugs and their pasts. I was carrying it all alone! But that time of frustration and fighting alone was so necessary. I carried a lot of church hurt even before I moved to Honduras. I had made every effort in my heart to forgive and carried no bitterness toward any person, but I carried SO MUCH distrust toward the church and their motives in general. Sometimes, this was completely relevant and was through discernment, but even when I found Dunamis Ministry in Ojojona, it was a hurdle to trust even people who had clean motives with me. What gave me motivation to jump that hurdle was remembering the alternative—doing it all on my own.


Now, I walk into church, and instead of being surrounded by open hands demanding a hand-out, I am surrounded by people who give me the clothes off their back when I compliment them on their shirts just because they want to bless and honor me (even when they know that I have the capacity to buy clothes). I have people who not only took on the weight of my kids to give me some relief, but they also took on the task of restoring me with love. I have people who not only give me permission to give prophetic words but push me to do so. I have people who lovingly kick my butt to get up and get back out there in ministry while simultaneously standing beside me and carrying my burdens. If I hadn’t found Dunamis, I don’t think I would’ve been able to continue being a missionary for much longer—that’s how emotionally, physically, and spiritually wrecked with exhaustion I was.


One of the signs that God gave me that He had led me to Dunamis and that I needed to let my guard down with them was through a suit jacket. For those of you who have been reading my blog for years, you may remember a suit jacket I was given by Pastor Donny Robbins of Life Church in Port Arthur, Texas, while I was on a road trip with my cousin in 2011. He gave me the (brand new) suit jacket off of his back with the instructions that I was to give it to a young man who would have the same anointing that he has. But, he was very clear that it had to fit exactly—not too big or too small—or it wasn’t for that person. For four years, I had a ridiculous number of guys try that jacket on, and it fit no one. Hondurans, in general, are shorter and smaller than people in the US. It was too big for everyone. But, one day, after visiting with Pastor Edgar of Ojojona, I caught a glimpse of that jacket still hanging in my closet, and I thought, “Bingo!” Sure enough, it fit perfectly. That church in Texas had been the first church I had felt completely at home in, was honored in, and was deeply ministered to probably since I was 12-years-old. And to have that jacket fit Pastor Edgar sent a clear signal to me.



A VISIT
My mom and sister came for about ten days towards the end of September, and it was great to have them here. My mom’s eager acceptance of Josuan as her grandson spoke volumes to people here about the unity that’s possible even with adopted kids. Having that support from my family has always been priceless to me. God is doing a special work in my family. It’s something I’ve prayed for, for many years as all of us have been damaged by church hurt, carry roots of distrust, etc. My brother had a transformative experience while at Iris Ministries’ Harvest School in Mozambique, and my mom has stated numerous times that she’ll never be the same following this trip to Honduras. I don’t know what God is up to, but I know it’s good. While they were here, Mom made a strong connection with Josuan and was able to spend time getting to know Raul. And, Naomi was able to complete her senior project in contributing to the ministry in Ojojona. While the church people were very excited to be receiving a much-needed gift, I think they were equally excited about what they had to give my family and wanting to make them feel at home and part of an extended family. Seeing that really blessed me.

While Mom and Naomi were here, we went to the streets to give out food and sweaters. This was the first time that we took a team from Ojojona, and it was like seeing my dreams become a reality. So many of the young people within the church have difficult pasts of drugs, street life, gang involvement, etc., and to see them released to minister to people from the same background was unspeakably beautiful. My dream has always been to have a team of restored street kids to go back and rescue more. That was exactly what was happening before my eyes. I hadn’t been to the streets almost in the whole year. The vision was always in place, but I just didn’t have the people to help and was too exhausted to do it alone. When we’d go in the past, I was always carrying the burden of the food, of the transportation, of the vision, of everything. I so longed to have an equipped team to be able to confidently delegate and carry out the mission with the same heart that God’s placed in me. I have worked with great people in the past with a lot of potential, but the vision that God has given me is different than anything we’ve done in the past. Now, however, Pastor Edgar and I sit and plan out our team—“Hey, God just gave me a list of people who should be on the team for your ministry to the streets.” *gives me the list* “Oh, we’re completely on the same page. Those are basically all the people I had in mind as well.” It is so refreshing to be on the same page and to have a pastor willingly, joyfully loan me his sheep for my ministry. No competition. No jealousy. Just partnership for building God’s Kingdom. So, we don’t have things completely off the ground though some of the people who went with me from the church were so inspired to continue (even though I haven’t had the resources) that they prayed in a donation of clothing, their small group is going to collaborate to donate the food, and they’re going to continue the work in their own area and invited me to honor me. What an amazing blessing.



SURPRISE!

While my mom was here, I went to pay for gas with my debit card, but it was refused. I thought perhaps it was due to a faulty machine. But, when I went to pay for groceries and was refused for insufficient funds, I called the bank. It turns out that someone stole my information and had been on a lengthy vacation on my dime to the tune of all of my checking account. I can laugh about it now, but it was quite stressful in the moment. Thankfully, everything has been reported, and currently, the bank gave me temporary credit, and the card company is investigating the case. I tell you all of this because in seeking God about this situation, I felt like God said that many times, He allows the enemy to steal from us to give us a chance to activate the promises in His Word that He has for us. This reply from God came after I had already proclaimed the example of Job over the situation—that when Satan steals from me, as a child of God, I am not only entitled to total restoration, but I’m also promised an increase. God makes no exception of persons. If He doubled Job’s blessings after he passed the test, He can do the same for me.



THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH
The Word says that nothing shall come to pass without God first telling His prophets. When Josuan had been in Teen Challenge only about a month, I had a dream in which someone was telling me a prophetic word that one of my kids would be murdered and another would go back to the streets but later return. It was a dream I prayed about a lot. Josuan returned to the streets, but it was a relapse that only lasted two and half months. I thought that the child that was murdered was Cristian, as I had been told that he’d been murdered in the boys’ juvenile delinquent center. That turned out to be false as he turned up in the boys’ juvenile delinquent center again this year. But, now that dream has sadly come to fruition. Since Erick left Teen Challenge, he was involved in some seriously dangerous activity, on the path that only leads to death in this country. I didn’t have a whole lot of concrete evidence of that though I could feel in the supernatural. I tried to warn his mother various times, but she denied it. In June, he ended up in the juvenile delinquent center for extortion and gang involvement. Though I had contact with his mom, out of wisdom for what I felt, I maintained my distance from him.


In September, she called me crying and saying that Erick had been released from the juvenile delinquent center (who knows if that’s true?) and was kidnapped. He was, in fact, kidnapped with another teenage boy in an unmarked vehicle. She had been searching for him for a week. A week later, she called me crying because two bodies of two young men were found in an abandoned house not far from where I live. They had evidence of having been tortured, shot, and burned. I went to the site to wait with her where Forensics, the police, family members, and news teams were all waiting the results. They did identify Erick and a friend by their clothes. The bodies had been in decay for nearly a week and were unrecognizable from the burns. We buried him the next day.

Erick

 It’s heartbreaking for his mother—who had already experienced the murders of her other son and of her husband years prior. But no one can touch free will. Salvation is personal. My consolation is that if he was tortured before they killed him, maybe he had time to repent and call on Jesus. He certainly had the seeds of the truth planted inside his mind and heart. I have no regrets with Erick. I poured into him while in Teen Challenge for two years. I helped him with his high school expenses. I fought for him in spiritual warfare. I had numerous conversations of warning with him. But, no one can touch free will, and the verse that states that the wages of sin are death is a complete reality here. He was knowingly playing with fire, and as a result, he basically signed his own death sentence. So, while it is a devastating loss, I continue because there are others who need the chance for rescue.



FREE WILL DECISIONS

One of the things I learned in the crash course I was thrown into in the last two years is that street kids are not rescued by simple food nor shelter nor working nor studying and not even by family. Street kids are rescued when they decide to pursue the life preserver we present them with of life with Jesus. All I can do is extend it to them. They have to be the ones to choose to paddle to it, grab it, and hold on for dear life. If I swim to them, put the life saver on their bodies and tow them to shore with no effort on their part, they never learn to swim on their own. They never develop their own will to truly live. They never learn to have a personal relationship of dependency on God…because they’re too busy depending on me and my love. It was a lesson learned the hard way.


Just yesterday, I had a small visit with Marvin who asked to come to my house. I don’t re-open doors with kids unless God puts grace in my heart towards the kid. It’s God’s signal to me that it’s safe and that they’re ready. On Saturday, before Marvin called, I felt that grace. So, when he called, I let him come. He had called Pastor Edgar a few weeks ago asking to live there in Ojojona. The pastor said no because I hadn’t spoken for him. Working with street kids is the embodiment of the verse that talks about being as gentle as a lamb but as cunning as a snake. I never understood that verse until I started working in Honduras. You have to be on your spiritual guard that in mercy you’re not inviting a demonic spirit to cause a loss of not only that young person but various others just through peer pressure to leave, fall into drugs, etc. Marvin isn’t quite ready, but the time to talk did allow me to present the conditions and the tests he has to pass of free will decisions before I’m willing to speak for him. One of which is that he has to repent and fix his relationship with Raul because he has never asked for forgiveness for stealing from him and disrespecting him. (Even that tiny test is a HUGE stretch for Marvin’s pride.) So, we’ll see what he decides.


Meanwhile, Jonathan has been living like a prisoner in danger as his old enemies are still looking to kill him. (They beat up Marvin and broke one of his teeth thinking it was his brother.) He’s another one who has to make some free will decisions about whether or not he wants to truly live or whether he wants to sign his own death sentence. The seed of truth is very present in his heart and mind. We’ll see what he decides even as we plead mercy and the blood over his life in the valley of decision.



REACTIVATED
For the past several months, I’ve had an internal battle. I’ve been busy with stuff—English classes, joining the church’s worship team, maintaining my household, participating in church ministry stuff, finalizing the legal process of my ministry, helping Raul with business plans, etc. But, I’ve been bored out of my mind, longing to get back to my ministry, to stopping for the one, to my street kids, to being the missionary I’m called to be. However, I’ve been in a tug-of-war with fear. Fear of what God is going to ask of me this time. Fear of reaching the same level of exhaustion as last time. Fear of falling into old patterns or that I didn’t learn the lessons well enough the first time. Fear of more rejection. Fear of the effects on my relationship with Raul. Fear of suffering. Fear of getting in over my head again. Fear of the criticism. Fear of loss. ETC. It’s like this—there is this one episode of the TV show Scrubs where JD, a doctor and the main character, realizes that he’s afraid of sick people and tries to avoid all of his contagious patients. It seems silly, but that is exactly how I’ve felt. I know I have a lifeline for others. It’s been prophesied over me so many times that there are captives just waiting for me to light up their darkness. But, I’ve been paralyzed in the process of restoration. I finally just told God the other day, “I am so sick of myself and of wasting time, but I can’t will myself to heal from this. So, help me out here, please?”


This past weekend, I went to an evangelism conference with Will Hart and Jamie Galloway, two of the guys from Darren Wilson’s movie, Holy Ghost. (Here is a link to Will Hart's Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/WillHartMinistries)  I can whole-heartedly say that Will Hart is one of the best speakers I’ve ever heard. (Jamie Galloway is also pretty great!) I have never encountered someone who not only really gets what the Christian life is about but also articulates it so well and with such a contagious passion. I was teary just listening to his wild testimonies of serving with Iris Ministries and Heidi Baker and being sent to the Congo in the middle of the peak of its danger with rebel groups. I had told God that I wanted to leave that conference with a breakthrough, with a difference. And, for the first time in such a long time, I felt that original childlike passion for the lost. I felt that innocent fire of desire to have an adventure with God—exactly how I felt before I took on Josuan. I was just so fearless, so ready to storm forward no matter the cost. I have wanted to return to that place (but with the increased wisdom from the tests of the last two years). I can’t say that I’m at 100% yet, but I am well on the way.



During worship/ministry time, God gave me a convicting word. All day Saturday, I was worried about time—getting there on time, returning from lunch on time—and dealing with Hondurans who feel good about themselves as long as they’re no more than an hour late. I’ve lived here for four years, but I still think Honduran time of no one getting there when they say they’re going to is for the birds. I hate making people wait or not fulfilling my word to be at a certain place at a certain time. It makes me feel like a liar. (My love language is quality time…Time is like a currency for me because you can’t buy any more, and I hate disrespecting others’ time or when someone disrespects my time. It’s like stealing something you can never get back…but I digress.) So, in ministry, God gave me a mental image of thousands of street kids. They were all singing Rich Mullin’s song, “My Deliverer,” which was a song that God gave me in 2007, the first time I went to Honduras. There is this haunting part of the song where children are singing, “My deliverer is coming. My deliverer is standing by.” It makes me cry even now just thinking about it. God took me on this tour to see all of these singing children and teenagers high on glue. Then, holding my hand, He looked at me and said, “How can you keep them waiting?” It broke my heart in the best way possible.


So, good things are happening. They’re stirring in the spiritual atmosphere. They’re already in the heart and mind of Christ, but they’re going to begin to be birthed in the natural. It’s exciting. For the first time in such a long time, I am excited about the possibility of another adventure with God. I look at Josuan who has cost me so much but has been so worth it, and I know that even if I have to drink the cup of suffering He hands to me, even if I have experience loss and betrayal, even if I get criticized, even if I’m in well over my head, it is worth it. It will all be worth it.


I’ll leave you today with some good tidbits they taught us in the evangelism conference:

God will utilize whatever you have to give—even if that is very little. You don’t have to be enough because Jesus is always enough. – Jamie Galloway

The disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray in Luke 11 after Jesus had already sent them out in Luke 10. He sent them out without that basic preparation of knowing how to pray because Jesus puts us in situations we aren’t prepared for because it’s out of faith and not out of knowledge or skill. Jesus is very comfortable with us feeling uncomfortable. – Jamie Galloway

Our mission is to bring heaven to earth and not to determine God’s motives in healing or not. That’s not our job. We’re just vessels. It’s always the will of God to heal, save, and bless. – Jamie Galloway

Everyone is called to move in all of the gifts. You may move in one at a higher level than another, but they’re all gifts of the spirit, so everyone has access to all of the gifts instead of pigeonholing oneself in only one or a couple. Any lost person that God presents in front of you with a need, you do not have the right to say, “No, sorry. You have to come to my church for that because I don’t move in that gift. Someone else does,” because that person is going to hell, and you’re the chosen one to meet that need. – Will Hart

Don’t put Satan and God on the same level fighting. It’s more like Satan and Michael are fighting. God doesn’t play on the same playing field as Satan. – Will Hart

Don’t use Satan as an excuse not to go. When you feel oppression, it’s not time to back up. It’s because you’re calling to bring light to that darkness. Stop using Satan to justify your fear. Your faith is not to protect yourself. – Will Hart

Satan cannot quench the Holy Spirit’s fire. Only you can. – Will Hart

The only way to learn to move in the gifts is to move with what you already have. You’re going to fail. You’re going to miss it. That doesn’t make you a false prophet. – Will Hart

The only way to know if it’s you imagining or if it’s God is to test it. Move on it. That’s how you find out. – Will Hart

Jesus’ greatest investment was in people. – Jamie Galloway

Don’t wait for an emergency to ask for a miracle. – Jamie Galloway

All of my love,
Sarah

PS There are a lot more pictures to show of Mom and Naomi's trip, so I'll try to do a post just of pictures soon.

New Season

Hello Again

Though unintentional, I’ve been on a blogging hiatus for a few months. Since getting back from the States, things have been busy, and I’ve been trying to process it all. I’m coming up on my fourth anniversary as a missionary to Honduras, and I’m happy to see how God is stretching me and making changes in my life. It’s easy to feel like one is in the middle of a tornado when transition periods strike, but I would always prefer the uncomfortable whirlwinds to the stale, murkiness of stagnant waters.

Right now, there is no normalcy or routine, which is both good and frustrating for my schedules, to-do lists, and plans personality. I’ve been in the midst of still teaching English classes, getting further involved in ministry in Ojojona, examining the vision for Family of Promise Ministry, meeting lots of new people through the pastors in Ojojona, still meeting my obligations for my remaining kids, caring for my relationship with Raul, and dealing with the ins and outs of transportation issues, working to help Raul better manage his business, life in general, etc.


Words of Life
While in the States, I had a wonderful time of visiting with my family and seeing friends. I also utilize time in the States to read. Reading is one of the best ways I have to replenish my spiritual forces, challenge myself, and continue learning. The best way I know how to explain what God is doing in my heart and life right now is by sharing what I’ve been learning through reading and through the encounters God is giving me with people of honor. Just to give you a glimpse of what God has been using to speak to me, here is the list of what I’ve read or been reading:

Scary Close by Donald Miller – This book opened my eyes to see how untrue I am to myself and who God created me to be whenever I let fear of rejection dictate how I act (or hide) in relationships. I’d grown accustomed to giving the people what they want (time or resources) or hiding instead of giving them what they need at times—though may not want—(correction, exhortation, teaching, discipline, a solid “no,” etc.). The only area in ministry where I was able to maintain a backbone balance of love and discipline was with my children—they’ve been great sources of growth and developing bravery and character in my life. Being in ministry (especially after already dealing with lots of ministry situations that have been painful) is scary. Giving all of yourself (not just time and resources but personality, advice, opinions, and spiritual gifts) to others is a very vulnerable place to enter. As an introvert, it’s incredibly difficult. There is definitely a need for discernment in ministry, and I don’t regret having used discernment in what I choose to invest myself in whole-heartedly. However, that same guardedness can be detrimental and rob us of destiny if we are finally led by God to the prepared arena and still don’t want to jump in for fear of rejection or due to old wounds that tell us we’re always destined to be rejected. We fear pain so often, when God is the Author and Finisher of restoration. I can’t count how many times God has stitched my heart back up with threads of forgiveness, truth, and unconditional love even in the midst of humans who have failed me. When we really understand who we are in Him, we are free to be ourselves fully and unapologetically, even if the way we challenge others could cause defense or rejection. We’ll never really know the depths of our relationships until we take our shoes off, let our hair down, and present the profound flaws and gifts we have before one another.

The Ultimate Treasure Hunt by Kevin Dedmon – This is a book I have yet to put into practice but plan to. I’ve never been the type of person who is prone to sit down next to a total stranger and start evangelizing. That is often because I hate small talk, I feel like the majority of people I encounter (even here) have already heard the Gospel spiel, and I am more prone to want to offer more meaning to their personal situation. In general, this usually requires prolonged attention and listening and relationship rather than an instant-gratification speech or repeat-after-me prayer. I can’t get past the question of “What good does it do for them to “pray the prayer” if they have no one to disciple them or teach them who they are in Christ?” (Jesus did say to make disciples, not just to meet a quota of people who’ve repeated the Sinner’s Prayer.) But, they both obviously have their place. To me, the technique of “treasure hunting,” or using Holy Spirit-given words of knowledge to total strangers to initiate prayer for healing, salvation, or whatever else—basically giving someone a supernatural encounter with the love of Jesus—, is the best marriage of the two. And, the best part is how it deepens our relationship and intimacy with the Holy Spirit. My difficulty in putting this into practice has been when I mentioned previously—fear of failure or rejection, feeling like I have nothing to offer, etc., but I’m getting there.

The Biblical Guidebook to Deliverance by Randy Clark – This book is short but incredibly eye-opening. I recently read an article in which missionaries expressed what they wish they would’ve known before coming to the field. One echoed response was the need to be schooled in spiritual warfare. I second this whole-heartedly. I have learned extreme lessons in spiritual warfare from being in Honduras—whether it’s been in seeing demons manifest and people delivered, physically seeing angels, realizing the reality of generational curses, seeing the effects of witch doctors, or seeing the demonic influence my children’s attitudes. It’s the reality that the majority of the US church does not see or does not acknowledge or emphasize. I have no idea where I would’ve gone in my little town (apart from reading books and listening to messages from other places and other people) to learn the lessons of spiritual warfare that I’ve needed to learn here. Thus, I applaud this book by Randy Clark because it gives a glimpse into the world that lives beyond our senses and how to combat the roots of what causes much destruction that we simply explain away. “My people are destroyed by lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6) is the absolute truth, and if we were to lift up a generation of people skilled in spiritual warfare, we would see drastic changes in our worldwide spiritual climate.

The World’s Greatest Revivals by Fred and Sharon Wright – I don’t really know fully what God’s doing in me or what He’s preparing me for, but He has drastically been expanding my vision and globalizing my mindset. Reading this book was an awesome way to get a bigger picture of who God is and how He moves. It makes me want to be a part of a movement so much bigger than myself, to be a small building block in the construction of His Kingdom on earth. This book also really emphasizes that the current wave of revival still sweeping the earth deals with the paternity of God and how to recapture the understanding of what it means to be sons and daughters of God. This is exactly what God is restoring in my heart in terms of ministry right now. He’s teaching me how to be free in ministry because of His unconditional love and delightful covering of grace.

The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson – For a long time, I never really considered myself an intercessor because I’m not the kind of person to get up, get on my knees, and yell petitions for hours at a time. (That is completely my Raúl though.) I used to run, and while listening to worship music, God would often talk to me and place people on my heart to pray for, but my form has never “fit the mold” of what Christian society says is intercession. With that said, I am, by nature, incredibly empathetic. I have the gift of receiving the emotions of others as if I were a sponge, and it doesn’t matter if it’s standing in line at the bank, reading a comment on Facebook, or sitting in a worship service, I can’t stop intuitively “reading” the crowd. To be honest, I haven’t often seen it as a gift because I haven’t known how to use it. Often, it’s just been a source of exhaustion, and a reason for me to hide at home rather than going out into people-crowded areas that can fill me with anxiety and burdens with no warning. But, this book was so helpful in pointing out how to use that gift and that while my form may not fit the expectations of others in religious circles that I am very much an intercessor though it often comes in periods of intense worship, through prophetic painting, dance, travail, and just loving unconditionally those that no one wants to deal with. If intercession is essentially stepping in between God and others as a vessel of mercy, then that is exactly what I’ve done and continue to do with my kids and others in my life.

Encountering God through Dance by Saara Taina – For probably all of this year, God has been speaking to me through dance. This is very weird for me because while I’ve loved to dance (bob up and down more than anything else, ha ha) in praise, and it’s incredibly common and accepted here, I’ve never considered myself graceful. I never had formal dance lessons as a kid unlike many of my friends, and while I did participate in church dramas as a kid and learn some sign language, I just never saw myself as a dancer. But, God is shifting my paradigm of who I am in ministry, and it’s been prophesied over me various times in the past couple months (and had been prophesied over me in the past also) that the area in which God is going to use me for delivering and ministering to others is largely in worship. So, this book was great for expanding my thinking of the purposes and prophetic impact of dance as well as the Biblical basis for using dance in worship.

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers – This book is amazing. My friend, Beth, insisted that I read it (even buying me a copy), and it was well worth it. It had been a long time since I’d read a book of fiction. The whole premise of the book is a reinterpretation of the story of Hosea and Gomer. Though it’s difficult for me to put into words, God greatly used this book to expose me to a new depth of His love and to continue molding the orphan spirit out of my heart and thinking. It does a great job of putting into words how we can be such paradoxes of desperately needing love but so quickly rejecting real love out of fear. It gave me hope for healing for myself and others.

School of the Prophets by Kris Vallotton – I’m currently reading this book, and it’s been a great pairing with what I’ve been learning even just from the beginning of this year starting with the course I took on the prophetic in Tsebaoth Ministry. I’m learning more from Pastor Edgar in Ojojona, and I’m exciting to see what God is able to do in and through my ministry as a result of increased understanding.

Digging the Wells of Revival by Lou Engle – I will likely finish this book today, and I’ve never read anything like it. I had never heard of Lou Engle until I had the opportunity to hear him speak in a conference last year. His stories are crazy, and his life and ministry really are a testimony to the new level God is calling us to. This book, like The World’s Greatest Revivals, is greatly widening my vision and my understanding of what God wants to do. The way that Lou Engle not only values spiritual history but capitalizes on it for the expansion of God’s strategies is inspiring and mentality-changing. So often, we see the new generation want to reject the revivals and movements of the older generations. And, the older generations often want to build an altar or monument to the old movements and camp out there without ever believing that God has new movement planned. The scorn between generations is such a tactic of the enemy to limit our fruitfulness, but if we would learn to both honor the generations before us and their movements while challenging them to go deeper, be more radical, and move forward with God’s renewed creativity, we’d see new harvests unimagined. In the Kingdom, there is a law of multiplication in place. In ministry, Jesus said we’d do greater things than He did. For me, that means that I don’t ever want to be in competition with my spiritual children. Hands-down, I absolutely want them to do greater things than me. I want my ceiling to be their floor, their launch pad, into the next great movement of God.


Update on Our Story

For those of you who have kept up with the characters in my little life story, here is an update on how everyone is doing. It’s been an adventure, and while I know that God is ushering me into a new and different season in ministry, I also know that His promises and redemption stand true for the ages even if I haven’t seen them manifest yet.

Josuan has been in Ojojona living with the pastors in their House of Faith for four months now. It hasn’t been easy for him, but I am grateful to see with spiritual eyes how God is preparing him for his future. I had become a crutch for my son, so the distance between us (though I still see him often) is creating a greater dependency on God for him and is teaching me how to improve this area for future spiritual children.

Marvin has been living with his family since April. He works and says he goes to church, but he’s also lapsed into various old lifestyle habits. That is sad, but it’s also not surprising. He’s needed to suffer to recognize his need to make some stern choices. Is he ready to serve Jesus whole-heartedly and without putting his own conditions or not? Does he recognize that he can’t do it on his own or not? He says he wants to go to Ojojona, but I am not convinced that he has fully decided. So, we’ll see what happens.

Jonathan is still in Teen Challenge, and we’re in the midst of clearing up some legal situations he has pending in order to be able to send him to Ojojona with Josuan and the pastors.

I don’t have a lot of communication with Estefanny. That has mainly been because she has stayed at the church where I had been attending mainly for the kids. While God shifted me to Ojojona, where there is a shared vision and a church equipped and focused on dealing with street kids, she stayed in the other church to continue to be a part of the dance ministry. I worry about her at times because of attitudes I see in her and actions that really require discipline, but I’m not in a place of authority over her, and she hasn’t shown much interest in continuing to keep close to me or even to her brother. But, she is young, and I know that she does have a personal relationship with God. He’s holding her in His hands.

Erick (and Cristian, who I had been told was murdered) is in the boys’ juvenile delinquent center. I don’t know how long their sentences are, but Erick’s sentence is expected to be a minimum of two years, maximum of nine (consequences of disobedience and rebellion even before he left Teen Challenge to live with his mom).

Elvis went to live with his family, and I haven’t heard from him since. Jorge, however, continues in the orphanage and is doing well. He has a personal relationship with God and is disciple by the pastor of the orphanage.

Joel and Bladimir live on the streets, constantly doing drugs. And, we’ve never heard anything else from or about Jesús since he left.

God had said that I would only be left with a remnant from this season, and that is exactly how it has evolved. But, even though the short-term outcome is heartbreaking in many cases, I am so grateful for this season because I’ve learned so much. I recognize that this time has really been a preparation for greater long-term fruit. And, who am I to despise small beginnings (Zechariah 4:10)? One thing is for certain—I never again want to let ministry take the place of personal intimacy with God. It’s an ongoing temptation without a doubt. But, fruit flows from that intimacy. Rest and resources and strength all come from His presence. It’s all about ministering to His person before any others.

Perhaps my greatest fruit from this season has been Raúl. I stumbled into fighting for Raúl. He was in the middle of a season of discouragement and avoiding healing from deeply inflicted wounds. He never stopped loving God, but he completely lost sight of how much God loves him. I was just looking for something to do in terms of taking care of him, cooking for him, or whatever. But that soon evolved into a personal mission to fight for him—his calling, his ministry, and for him to see his own value to Jesus—because I didn’t see anyone else fighting for him, reaching out to him with love or hope, or calling him back to the arms of the Father. It was a long-suffering labor of love in the midst of indifference to win the battle against pain, but the reward has been priceless. Words cannot express God’s faithfulness or how I’m overwhelmed with a sense of victory when I see Raúl worshiping God in total abandon. I longed for so long to see his heart healed, his spirit free, and his burdens lifted. When I started fighting for him just as I have fought for my kids, I never expected that mission to have such a personal result. I didn’t expect that in seeing him restored and reconciled with God that I’d also be encountering the man who has the call complementary to my own. I didn’t expect that making the choice to love him unconditionally even in the midst of the pain that it caused me would eventually lead me to falling in love with him. Though I was obedient to God’s leading, many times, I couldn’t see the framework that God was laying for our relationship. Now, of course, I’m unspeakably grateful that I obeyed even when I didn’t want to, and my faithfulness in the midst of his indifference was God’s reward to Raúl, because after being with someone who betrayed him terribly through cheating and mistreatment, he’s never been so secure in the fidelity of a godly woman. And, his gratefulness shows in his treatment of me. We’ve been together for over a year now, and while we’re always going to be in the process of maturity, I am so blessed to see numerous breakthroughs that God has given us over the past year. I am thrilled to know that in the midst of so many trials (mainly with ministry and my kids) that “normal” couples don’t face, we’ve weathered the storms together with Jesus as our guide. It’s a promising start to whatever more God has in mind for the future.


A Visit
My story is expanding with new characters as I become more involved with the ministry in Ojojona. And, it’s a wonderful feeling to be developing a new support system. Next month, my mom and my sister will be coming down to do a project of expanding housing for future street kids where Pastor Edgar lives. I am excited for them to meet my new friends (and old ones that they haven’t met), and my mom is thrilled to finally get to meet her remaining grandchildren.


Blessed
To end this update, I just want to express my gratitude towards God. The past couple of months, I have been astounded by His provision and His faithfulness. After giving away my little car at God’s leading, and still being in the process of saving to buy another vehicle, within days, God provided me with transportation when Raúl unexpectedly bought a car in a deal with someone who owed him money just so that I’d have something to drive around because he didn’t want me riding on the bus. (I think he loves me…and I think he’s a keeper.) And, I’ve been amazed by the provision that has poured in from unexpected places even as I have been extending finances to others in need at God’s leading. I am blessed by God’s abundance as He cares for me, His daughter. And, I pray that He extends overflowing blessing to all of those people who have honored me with their prayers, their finances, their e-mails, their communication, etc. Honor is essentially believing in someone else, and I feel so privileged by the way that you all have believed in me—or rather Christ in me. He is so worthy. From season to season, from glory to glory, He never stops being worthy of it all.

All my love,
Sarah


PS Here are some pictures from this year. I am awful at taking pictures, but these are some of what I have on file.



Graduating from Tsebaoth's prophetic course in January

Raúl and I at graduation

 

The congregation in Ojojona that used to meet under a makeshift structure of wood and plastic

The construction team in Ojojona when they started building the new structure for the church

The new church structure in progress. Though not pictured, it now has half of the roof. It still lacks the rest of the roof, the walls, and the floor.

Pastor Edgar, Pastor Daniela, and their son, Daniel. They have a newborn son also, Edgar.



Raúl's birthday in May



Camping with my family in June



Xiomara, one of the young people who lives with the pastors



Christian, a boy who lives with the pastors

Joseth, lives with the pastors



Alex, lives with the pastors



Luis, lives with the pastors

Eduard, also lives with the pastors



The cabin my mom and sister will be helping to build onto for more housing for street kids

New Birth for Old Remnants

Hello All,

The word that God gave me for this year was “presence,” and while we’re headed only into the month of May this year, I am astounded by how He is revitalizing me and my vision of the future with His presence. Really, this journey of going deeper into His presence and His person started with stumbling upon that conference in Ojojona in January. Only days earlier, on New Year’s, my dad had sent me a text message that I saved to my phone because he touched so clearly on a heart’s desire: “Happy New Year! I love you Sarah. I’m praying that you are strengthened, encouraged, and that the Lord ties you into a source of help and real fellowship in Him.” It’s been quite a journey since I moved here. I came with the idea that I’d be doing certain jobs and be part of family (at the Eagle’s Nest girls’ home), but that idea was quickly shot down only within months of moving here when the Eagle’s Nest closed. Since then, it’s been a lonely trek of finding my way, my niche, and my divine calling in this country, and more often than not, it’s not what others around me would push me into to (nor what I’d push myself into either necessarily).

Just being real with you for a moment, I want to ask: Have you ever felt like an orphan? I don’t really mean in the sense of not having biological parents. I mean as a follower of Jesus. Have you ever felt like maybe you’re in church but you don’t feel like you belong? You love Jesus with all your heart, but this institutional program thing just leaves you hungry for something else, something more? You’re in a ministry, but you’re the black sheep that no one “gets”? You’re looking at the spiritual horizon and see things that the people around you don’t see, and you think, “Is this just me? What’s wrong with me? How can no one else see this?” I want to be careful to honor all of the churches and pastors and spiritual fathers who have played a wonderful part in my process as a lover of my Savior. And I’ve hesitated to write about this although it’s been a forceful undercurrent in my life since I was very young because I want to be an instrument of honor and unity and not of division or blame. I am grateful for every person who has spoken into my life and every place of worship and season God has brought me to and through, so I in no way want to criticize. But, I know that I can’t be the only one who has felt like there’s got to be more.

For those of you who may not know me personally, I was raised in church all of my life. My family was the family who was there every time the doors were open, and my parents always held a position of leadership as elders or youth pastors or children’s church pastors or part of the children’s ministry team. I grew up as part of that legacy and learned to do what anyone in church leadership asked me to do regardless of my age. From that willingness (and religious though unconscious desire to earn God’s love—as if it’s not a free gift to receive!), I found myself writing an entire Vacation Bible School curriculum of skits and puppet ministry and directing adults two or three times my age in dramas when I was 11. I took on the position of youth pastor in a church with my mom as my only constant support system with a group of mainly teenage boys when I was 15 because supposedly there was no one else. And through lots of experiences like that, I kept God very much at an arm’s length trying to earn His love because in my heart I felt very unworthy of His love and had many childhood wounds that hadn’t healed because I had tried to forget them rather than let God deal with them.

When I was a junior in high school, I had this idea of what my life was going to look like, and when that naïve vision shattered through a series of revelations, I felt lost. I was always the girl with the plan. But that shake-up of my world and my mission of perfectionism brought me face-to-face with my Heavenly Father as He asked me, “Are you ready to really let me have your life? Are you ready to let me lead you on an adventure?” And, I was. Even after being raised in a home that supported missionaries often with great financial sacrifice and a father who urged me constantly to go on a mission trip, I hadn’t been interested. But, after hearing a message from a total stranger in a camp where I wasn’t a camper but just a camp worker for a summer job, I encountered the reality of how many people didn’t know Jesus, how many people didn’t have clean water, how many people struggled just to stay alive and find food to eat, and how many needed to know that perfect love. It wasn’t a tearful or dramatic call. It was simply a decision to let God fully have me and a knowing that I was about to become a person so far from my original limitations at 17. Months later, I took a short-term mission trip to Honduras, and the rest is history in the making.

Loneliness has been a theme in my life for as long as I can remember. It’s been a force that has made me draw so much closer to God and has pushed me to be brave in the face of timidity even since childhood. It’s given me a maturity I wouldn’t have reached in any other way. My parents raised me even as early as kindergarten to purposefully seek out the outcasts to be their friend even if no one else would. They taught me to defend the defenseless. And, for whatever reason, since 5-years-old, that was so ingrained in my mind that it became my personal mission even when it made me an outcast too. As I grew up, I felt very different, very solitary for as long as I can remember. It might have been because I was homeschooled when others weren’t. It might have been because I was a passionate Christian in the midst of normal teenage angst. And, while that feeling different shouldn’t have been so prevalent even in church, it was. At 12-years-old, while my peers were talking about boys and clothes, I was reading Tommy Tenney’s The Godchasers and was consumed with wanting more of God’s presence. This longing was aided by being in a church where a real outbreak of a Holy Spirit revival was present—miracles, unity, hours and hours of non-stop worship, prophetic words, and just a genuine feeling of being at home in His presence.

When my family had to leave that church because of my dad’s job change and a move, it really devastated us. I don’t think we’ve ever been the same since as individuals nor as a family. We had been so wrecked in God’s presence that the idea of “normal” church just didn’t satisfy anymore no matter how much we tried to pretend. We were still in church, but we all just kind of lost ourselves because we felt like we’d lost His presence. We had never learned that we could be a catalyst of that same presence in our home and community. But from that move, our family became the black sheep of church. We had tasted more of the Holy Spirit, and everywhere we went, we challenged for more and were met with staunch (though understandable) opposition from well-meaning folks who simply hadn’t been wrecked as we had. They didn’t know what they were missing, and the idea that something more could exist was a paradigm challenge difficult to handle.

After I got back from Honduras, I was a mess of questions. I got back to the US on a Sunday and from that Sunday in church, for four years, every time I entered any church service, all I could do was cry. I couldn’t even explain why I was crying. I was just overwhelmed every time I was in church. A close family friend and the pastor of the church where my family and I had met the reality of God’s person once told me, “Do you know why you cry every time you’re in church? The Holy Spirit is letting you feel the grief that He feels in not being welcomed even in His own house.” The questions I wrestled with when I got back were also difficult to handle. I couldn’t understand how the prosperity gospel I often heard in churches in the US could possibly apply to the Third World country I’d just visited. Something was skewed in our thinking. Something was wrong in our interpretation of God’s love, ministry, and favor. Why did we seem to think that we should be exempt from suffering when I’d just witnessed so many Christians in Honduras suffering with a smile and triumph in their hearts? What was I supposed to do with the stories I heard of Honduran teenagers who were murdered by their own friends whenever they decided to leave their gang to become a follower of Christ? How did that fit in the cookie cutter spirituality I witnessed every Sunday morning? What was I supposed to do with the reality of martyrdom when the most suffering a Christian close to me would go through for their faith would be being subjected to an elected government that didn’t agree with their political agenda?

 I spent a lot of those four years outside of church because I just couldn’t handle the way my reality was shifting in the midst of things I saw to be nothing more than a routine façade. And, I have to tell you, that being out of church was so necessary for me. I needed that time to get to know God on a real, personal level beyond being spoon-fed. I needed that chance to ask Him all of my questions and realize that He’s not daunted by my doubt or uncertainty. He’s not frightened by my challenges because He is the answer even when religious depictions of Him don’t live up to His rightful personality and standard. And, in the midst of longing to know Him more, He also brought me to a place of facing the wounds I’d stealthily avoided letting Him deal with while I was in church. Perfectionism and earning man’s approval in church had been the Band-Aid that I’d slapped on a broken bone of not knowing how to really receive His perfect love. Without that placebo effect in church, I was left with only myself. Who was I without that system of earning religious points? What did it really mean to be a child of God? He found me and healed me so much more deeply than I had ever even realized was necessary.

At 13, when my family had moved for my dad’s job, I was in one of the darkest places of loneliness I’d encountered yet, and I had no other refuge other than my family and God. I had no friends. Being an “import” to a town where everyone is normally “born and raised” made it so difficult to break into the social structure and make friends—even worse for someone so shy. But, in that time, I just passionately fell in love with reading God’s Word with the Holy Spirit at my side. And, the verse the Holy Spirit gave me over and over and over again was Isaiah 58, especially the part about rebuilding ruined cities. I didn’t know it then but that was part of the call God had placed over my life. Years later, when I spent a summer in Honduras, a woman (who I later learned to be Raúl’s spiritual mom) gave me a word referencing Isaiah 58 and telling me that I was going to be a rebuilder for many young people who were currently desolate ruins.

When I decided to respond to the call of being a missionary in Honduras, I had no idea what that was going to look like. I didn’t go to missions school or seminary. I knew that my connection was Alvin Anderson and Manos Extendidas, and I had felt so captivated by their heart for street kids, for seeking treasure in forgotten people, and so at home in their ministry family. So, I decided to come, thinking that I’d be a teacher here and trying to figure out what my formal place was. I was up for whatever Alvin wanted me to do although God kept telling a very dumbfounded me, “Your call is not dependent on Alvin or Manos Extendidas. Even if at some point you’re not connected to them, you’re still called to Honduras.” But, in the last months of my senior year of college, I went home unexpectedly for a weekend and stumbled upon a documentary on Netflix about a woman I’d never heard of—Heidi Baker. Seeing her life as Mama Heidi amongst rescued street kids in Mozambique and hearing her wild story of passionate love for her Savior, tears just streamed down my face, and I watched it over and over and over again because I found myself—everything I’d ever wanted to dream or hope was possible after a childhood of supernatural missionary stories to a church encounter with the presence of God to developing a passion for missions in Honduras—in her story. Her testimony instantly made me a very different kind of missionary even if I didn’t realize it at first. No one had ever taught me that fruit in ministry comes from intimacy with the Holy Spirit, and most of the time, the examples I had were the contrary of missionaries running around like busy, crazy people with their personal spiritual lives as an afterthought because “that’s just ministry.”

In the past three years and seven months of being a missionary, the theme of being a black sheep has continued. It drives me crazy. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don’t like to make waves. I hate calling attention to myself. I am a very submissive person who likes to sacrifice my own preferences for those of others. But, God so captivated my heart that I cannot budge when I know He’s the one making me stand. I have to be honest with you that there is a cycle in church and ministry of wanting results and having something to show for our work that we often carry yokes that do not belong to us. When we’re overburdened and carrying weight not assigned to us, that often makes it much more tempting to shove other people into positions where they don’t belong and are not called by God simply because we’re cracking under the exhaustion and that person is another warm body who can do something to alleviate our stress. This was a hard lesson that God taught me at 15, and it has kept me from being so quick to do whatever someone tells me to do in ministry. I always say that I have to pray about it first, and a lot of times, my answer is no. It’s a policy that hasn’t made me popular to say the least. But, it so necessary that we guard our hearts in ministry. There is so much church hurt all over the world because when people are not treated with love for who they are and who God has called them to be but for what they do and what results they bring, they start to feel used. It’s religion versus relationship. Relationship loves others unconditionally for who they are whether they do something productive or not. Religion is conditional love based on the actions and results of others. It sends the message that you’re only valuable if you give forth results. That’s a dangerous message to send when we’re wearing a badge of Christ’s name and supposedly representing God’s nature.

I give you this lengthy history partially because it’s letting me process but also because I know that I’m not alone in this battle. Even though I’ve been hesitant to cover this area of my life, this is me, guys. And, this history gives you a glimpse into the reason my father sent me that text desiring real fellowship for me. When I was in Tsebaoth’s School of Prophets in January, they were talking in a class about spiritual paternity and how that relates to our relationship with biological parents. My relationship with my biological parents is great, so I felt like the ministry time of forgiving biological parents and letting God heal those wounds didn’t really apply to me. But, in an instant, God had my number. He said, “What about spiritual parents?” And He took me on a journey through a series of visions in my mind where I was in each and every church I’d been a member of but had been rejected for being so different. Each time, I was an orphan girl outside of the locked church just longing for a home, for spiritual parents to see my value as a person and not for what I could do for them. But, there I was alone and cold and rejected. And, each time, at each location, Jesus came and scooped me up in His arms and let me cry on His shoulder. He never left me an orphan even when no one else saw any value in me. And, after being rescued from each location by Jesus, He whispered in my ear, “Little one, they didn’t even know their own value. How were they ever going to see yours?” Even in the midst of great hurt in church, because of my parents and my upbringing, I’ve always done the best that I can to forgive. But, in that moment, I let God lead me through each situation with each spiritual father or mother and declare, “I forgive them. I honor them. And I bless their ministry.” And, I truly honor each one because each one, though imperfect, has had an impact on my process and who I am today. Each one taught me something, and each one is so greatly loved by God and so highly called by God that it’s only appropriate that I love and honor them as well.

I had no idea what this year was going to hold. Honestly, since I’ve moved here, a lot of the time, I’ve just been holding my head above water, doing my best to stand even when I feel so alone. Over the last three years, I’ve received countless words (a lot of times from complete strangers) about how even when I’ve had to stand my ground that I’ve never stood alone because God has always backed me. It’s been hard to know that’s there’s more that God has to offer of His presence and to push and challenge those around me to reach out for more when a lot of time, they’re only interested in the status quo, the routine, the man-made and man-pleasing program.  But this is a prophetic call—to see beyond a desolate city to a treasure that will be discovered and can be rebuilt. How do we get the sweetness of orange juice? It’s only through the pressure of squeezing the fruit. If the orange were a person, I’m sure it’d hurt. I’m sure it’d balk at the challenge and pain, but without that force, there is no sweetness.

All last year and the beginning of this year, God pruned me to the most painful point I could’ve imagined. But, I am so thrilled to say that we’re starting to bloom again. The sweetness of the orange after all of that pressure is starting to spring forth. I couldn’t be more excited. New things are coming. It’s a new season. God told me last year back in August through a young lady at the Go Conference in Nashville, “When you’ve been standing alone, He was always with you. God is honoring you, His daughter, for every time you forgave. May you even now get a very clear grasp of your value, that you would not struggle with knowing your value. He’s beginning a new season for you. This is not a season of more pain but of abundance, favor, and His face shining on you. You’re going to find people in your life who love you as well as you love others. God examines the depths of your heart and finds an obedient daughter. He is healing those wounds inflicted by those who misrepresented His love.” I can’t tell you how many times between September and now that I reminded God (often in frustration), “You said you were bringing me to a new season where the pain stops. You said You’d bring people to my life to love me well. So? When??”

I had no idea the blessing God was bringing to me whenever I stumbled upon that conference in Ojojona. The pastor, Edgar, and his wife, Daniela, are my age, but I have never encountered people who honor or love me so well. I see in them everything I’ve believed is possible for Honduras but hadn’t seen yet. They truly live by faith in all provision, and they have countless, supernatural miracles to show for it. They live for God’s presence and are committed to doing missions in and through the Holy Spirit only. They are radical, obedient lovers of Jesus and lovers of forgotten people, and because of that, we are such kindred spirits. They were a refuge for me when Josuan went back to the streets, and I am so happy to say that they are now that refuge for Josuan.

Josuan spent about two and a half months between the streets and a center with loose rules. He’d leave the center, go get high, steal, get beat up, and come back to the center. They’d take him in, help him, and get him set  up in high school again only to have him leave again days later. All during those two months, I was battling the spirit of death that was after him. I have come to learn that when I have dreams that something is chasing me, it’s because it’s chasing my children because that’s how the enemy gets to me is through harming my children. I kept having dreams that a spirit of death was after me, trying to kill me. I’d already seen the demon of death over Josuan before he left my house, and Pastor Edgar had told him in that conference that there were demons of death surrounding him but that God was his refuge. A few times during that two months, I got reports that Josuan was dead. At one point, I spent two afternoons looking for him—one in the morgue looking for his dead body because he was rumored dead and the other in the hospital looking for him amongst the unidentified patients. As it turns out, he was nearly killed by gang members when they asked him if he’d like to work for them. When he said no, they beat him up and left him unconscious in the market. He spent two days hospitalized. All during that time, God was at work in his heart. I kept offering him the option of going to Ojojona, but he kept refusing. I finally reached a place of peace where I wasn’t worrying about him, really had him placed in God’s hands, and was even prepared for the worst even as I pleaded for the best. Then, one day, around three weeks ago, out of nowhere, the center called me and said, “Please come get your son. He’s tired of the life he’s leading, and he wants to start over in Ojojona.” I picked him up that same day and took him home with me. He spent two days at home with me before I took him to the pastor in Ojojona. I was very cautious at first, but it soon became evident that he was, in fact, my real, very repentant son. And, he is doing to very well in Ojojona. He just got back from a retreat where God gave him a vision. Josuan had spent his 18^th birthday in February in prison because he was taken in for being accused of assaulting and robbing people on a bus. In the vision, he was face-to-face with God in the midst of a great party of worship, and God told him, “This is the birthday party I’m giving you.” When he came out of the vision, someone handed him a piece of cake. This is stuff that only God can do…bring the prodigal sons home.

A month before Josuan wanted to go to Ojojona, during an evening alone with God, I asked Him why I felt like such an orphan, why rejection in church and ministry seemed to be so ongoing in my life, why I was losing fruit in Josuan, etc., and God said so clearly, “You’re fighting a spirit of abortion in ministry. Look up the stories. You are a redemption baby. You were called to be revolutionary.” So, first, He led me to Samuel, then Solomon, then Moses, then Jesus, then John the Baptist, then Joseph, then Jacob and Esau, and even to Heidi Baker who was born after her mother fought with sterility. He made it clear to me that every time someone was fighting with sterility or there was a decree by government to kill babies or there was a baby that died before a child was born that this was really a demon of abortion that was impeding that fruit for fear of a calling being fulfilled. But, the sons and daughters born as a fruit of that faith and obedience struggle are revolutionary.

My mom has always been very open with all of us kids that when she was 16, before knowing Jesus, she got pregnant and had an abortion. It’s been part of my mom’s life work to speak out against abortion because she knows personally the pain it causes and the difficult process of healing afterwards, and she’s always compassionately reached out to pregnant women in crisis pregnancy centers or women who are scared to be single moms without being judgmental or hateful. I was her first child born after that abortion, years later after she had met Jesus and gotten married. I’m the redemption baby. And, if Biblical history teaches me anything, it’s that that means that I’ve got a revolutionary call, but because of that call, Satan’s going to do everything he can to abort the fruit God has purposed for my life. I have struggled with fear; with feeling like I couldn’t do ministry on my own; worried about being a single, adoptive mother, etc. which all sounds like similar reasons to why a pregnant woman would convince herself to have an abortion. And, for the past six months, I’ve been having dreams about being pregnant and having a baby (pregnancy in prophetic dreams is representative of ministry) all alone, with no one to help me, and frustrated by that lack of help. So, God started dealing with that fear and really ask me, “What would you do in ministry or in life if you weren’t afraid?”

Only a few days before Josuan called me, I was in a home worship service Nelly was having. She had me as one of the people leading worship with a group of people from various churches and ministries. While I love to sing, I don’t have a very strong voice. I’ve only led worship once, and while God will give me spontaneous songs at home or even on my own in church services, I’d never sung a spontaneous worship song in front of other people before. But, during that home group, God started giving me a song (in Spanish). I was so afraid to sing it. I didn’t feel qualified. Fear of failure or fear of what the people there would think. But, God gave me my moment, so through tears, I sang it out until I felt released to stop…
I reject abortion. I reject abortion. I’m not an orphan. I’m Your daughter. I reject abortion. I reject abortion. I will give birth to what You placed in me. I reject abortion. I reject abortion. The victory is mine. I reject abortion. I reject abortion. I will give forth fruit because I’m Your daughter. I reject abortion…
The day that I left Josuan in Ojojona, I was driving the hour back home, and God said to me so clearly, “If you would not have sung that spontaneous song I gave you even though you were afraid, Josuan would still be on the streets. That is the impact your small obedience can have.” That revelation blew me away.

God has been faithful to preserve my remnant with Josuan, but there has been more loss. Elvis left the orphanage after two attempts to escape and much rebellious behavior to live with his aunt. He called me the other day, but he lives hours and hours away from me on the border with Nicaragua. He concerns me because he will be raising himself at 15, is accustomed to street kid life, and is surrounded by drugs and drug traffickers where he lives. Apart from Elvis, Marvin is no longer with me.

When Josuan left, Marvin and I pulled together for a period of time, comforting each other. But, I knew that wasn’t going to last too long. Lying has always been a major battle with Marvin, but new and more lies were popping up all the time. He had started smoking and being very rebellious with Raúl at work. So, I sent him for a week to Ojojona (before Josuan was there) to give him a chance to reflect on what he wanted because he was ready to go back to the streets. He spent most of that week in behavior that was so far beyond acceptable that it really brought me to a breaking point where I confronted him and said, “Look, you need to decide what you want. You don’t want to continue in Bible school. You don’t want to work, and my house is not a hotel. This is a ministry. If you don’t want to have anything to do with Jesus, you don’t belong here. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. We don’t serve demons of lying or drugs or stealing. So, you decide. You live for Jesus, and you kick those demons out of your life. Or, you let them stay, and you leave with them.” That night, I prayed and said, “God, if this kid really does want to change and still has the will to do so, let me know. But if not, give me the strength to send him on his way.” The following morning, he got up, happily gave me a hug, said he was going to church, and then went directly to steal from Raúl’s business which he’d been doing for months. Raúl caught him, and I personally packed his bags. Now, he’s living with his family. He has shown up at church and at Teen Challenge, and we’ve talked and are on good terms. I didn’t leave him without an option. He knows fully that if he wants to avoid street life that he can return to Teen Challenge or can ask to go to Ojojona. But, he told me directly, “Mami, I’m not going to go to either of those places yet because I don’t even know what I want or who I want to live for.”

Jonathan had a drug relapse even while in Teen Challenge only two days before he was to complete his year. This was not surprising to me. (We have a saying in Honduras about how it takes people a while to show their claws…it’s true.) But, that resulted in the pastor not letting him have temporary leave or letting him leave permanently so quickly. God actually used this because the plan has been to send Jonathan to Ojojona, but with Jonathan not being allowed to leave yet, it’s giving Josuan time to get settled and firm beforehand.

So, it’s the end of an era. For the first time in two years, I’m alone. I still have kids, but they’re not directly under my care. I still love and pray for my kids, including each one that I’ve lost. But, it’s time for a new season. I cannot tell you what a relief it is for me to have Pastor Edgar discipling and disciplining Josuan. And Josuan is so thankful to be there because he’s learning new things about the Kingdom of God every day. He still wants to come home and be with me, but that’s not happening right now. After two years of single motherhood, I’m at rest.

And, as part of that rest, I’m headed home for a month from May 25-June 25. After four years of praying that God would radically call my brother to give his whole life to Jesus and send him to the mission field, he is answering that call and is headed to Mozambique, Africa because he was accepted to Heidi Baker’s Harvest Missions School. I am so excited (and jealous) for him! He heads out at the end of May for three months, and God has been unspeakably faithful to bring in the finances to send him. I couldn’t possibly be prouder of my baby brother or happier with God for answering my prayer. If any of you would like to be in touch or visit during that time, feel free to let me know via sarah.crickenberger@gmail.com .

In the mean time, I’ve been turning a new leaf by teaching English classes. (Raúl may learn after all!) I teach to three different groups—a group of various people from various ministries, the people from Alvin’s church, and the young people at Pastor Edgar’s ministry in Ojojona (including Josuan). It’s going well, and I think God is really using these classes for two purposes beyond just language learning: 1) It has started to change the way that people look at me. The people I’m teaching are all people I know from ministry. Some have known me since I’ve moved here, but they see me as quiet, timid, not very authoritative, etc. That’s primarily because it really takes time and effort to get to know me. I’ve done the absolute best I can to avoid positions or the spotlight. I’ve tried to minister as quietly as possible to forgotten people. But, that’s also meant that the people in my life of ministry often have no idea who I am or what I’m capable of because they’ve never spent quality time with me. Pastor Edgar actually told me, “You know, you seem so quiet and reserved. I’m surprised how easily you manage and direct your classes with authority and ease. You could probably preach. Have you ever preached before?” Ha ha. Uh, yeah…numerous times since I was 15. And 2) It’s building my self-confidence as a leader. I know, perhaps better than anyone except God, what I’m capable of. But, I also know that no one else really expects me to be a good leader because I’ve been in hiding…trying not to get hurt any more, trying not to make waves, trying to be obedient to God without drawing attention to myself. It makes leaving that cave to lead just a tad more difficult when I know that very few people have seen my potential and have me pigeon-holed as something that I’m not. But English class is helping.

This post is incredibly long (sorry about that…just needed to be real about some stuff…maybe it helps someone), so I’m going to finish up. But, I will say that in the midst of Family of Promise Ministries finally being legal (we’re still lacking some final steps we have to complete before February that cost $700 but are still officially legal) and in the midst of just lining up with Pastor Edgar and comparing visions and feeling like one is the puzzle piece that has been missing for the other, new, big things are coming! The majority of the people on my board of directors for the ministry have felt like orphans in ministry. We’ve kind have been wandering about  without direction, but in sending me to Ojojona and in meeting Pastor Edgar and Pastor Daniela, I feel like God opened a door I needed but wouldn’t have known how to find. I’m so excited for all that the future holds for me, my kids, my ministry, and my US family. God has so much more for us...let's go after it!

All of my love,
Sarah