Hello All,
There was more that I meant to write about in regard to the weekend, so perhaps I´ll tackle a bit of it today. During church on Sunday, I found myself coming to God wanting nothing except a humble heart. I just asked God to take all of me, putting myself on His altar, with my greatest heart´s desire being that He would take the offering of my life (however small a gift it is). It has been my consistent prayer of late that God would make me a servant, the very least of these. I want to see Jesus in every single person and grasp what a great privilege it is to kneel in service before every person--no matter what their status is in the world. I fail so often at this, but I do want God to help me to die daily, to shed my selfishness, and to truly give me the heart of a servant. I picked up Mother Theresa´s book again yesterday, and I was reminded that her prayer was that she would refuse God nothing. I also want this to be my prayer--no matter how difficult.
Mother Theresa, according to Come Be My Light, suffered with an intense darkness in her soul even as she was pouring her life out for others. She felt abandoned and wondered in God´s silence if He loved her, but her actions demonstrate her faith in defiance of her feelings of despair--she told God that she was willing to endure the darkness, that she believed He did exist and did love her even when she couldn´t feel His presence, and she continued to obey, praying that she would continue to give Him everything He asked of her.
In Elisabeth Elliot´s book, Passion and Purity, she mentions how she asked God to either take away her desires or to fulfill them, and God´s response to her was that His desire was to teach her to want something better. This is the place where I find myself currently. I love Honduras. I so desire to be here, and there are so many elements to this place that fill my heart with labored longing. But, although God has placed those desires within me--my love for this place and this people--He also wants me to offer those back to Him as a sacrifice so that He can teach me to want something even better. It is not easy. I feel stubbornness rise up in me at times, and I have to submit to God once again. But, other times, like yesterday, God grants me a clarity of what He is teaching me to want--just His will and His glory. He is teaching me to want His best, to submit to His work instead of trying to conduct my own in His name. Sometimes, Christians fly into a frenzy of action and programs, projects and plans and say that they are doing ´´His work,´´ but at times, this work (the good) doesn´t actually cost us anything. His best always does. It costs us ourselves, and we must die daily, surrendering our good for His best.
On Sunday, Papí Alvin spoke from Isaiah and Genesis. He recounted the stories of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel. He made the note that when Adam and Eve realized they were naked after they were disobedient, they tried to make clothes out of leaves to hide themselves. But these clothes did not cover them sufficiently; otherwise, God wouldn´t have had to make clothes for them out of animal skins. Papí then made the point that Cain´s offering to God was produce--from the earth and reminiscent of Adam´s attempts to right himself with God (which he could not do). Cain´s offering represented man´s attempts at self-sufficiency and the times when we come to God with our own works, trying to win His affection and approval. Abel´s offering of burnt animal sacrifice, on the other hand, was reminiscent of what God did for Adam and Eve. He made them clothes of animal skins to hide their nakedness. He sent His own Son as a sacrifice to right humanity with Himself. He did that--no human did, and no human could. Thus, Abel´s gift was pleasing to God because it represented the acceptance of what God does for us, rather than what we think we can do for Him. Just as it says in Romans 12, ´´Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him.´´ For me, this echoes that idea of our good versus God´s best as well.
My senior year in high school, I gave a presentation to a church about Honduras and the need to be more missions-minded. After the talk, various people in the church asked what they should do with the information I had just given them. It´s funny looking back on that moment because I was still in a place of learning that for myself, and my guess is that my answer was less than satisfactory. The tendency is to fly into a frenzy of urgent actions without a heart motivated by love or to despair over our lack of ability to help, sinking deeper into complacency. Neither is what God calls us to. The truth is that He calls us to seek Him and to be recklessly obedient. Seeking Him means being still--laying down our plans for action and any works we could bring Him of our own doing. Being obedient means that when He does show us what it is He is calling us to do--even when it is being still longer and only praying or when it is losing all of our life to become the least of these--that we do it, with bold and reckless abandon, secure in the promise of His best. As Jason Upton notes in his song, ´´Dying Star,´´ God calls us out of the whole, for the benefit of the whole, even when that means the very destruction of our own lives. And the truth is that it will always mean the destruction of our own lives because to be one with God and His kingdom means that self has to die daily.
On Sunday, both at the church in Tegus and from the church across the street in Esperanza, I heard the following song, and every time I hear it, it brings me to my knees with tears. It has become the deep prayer of my heart and a secret place in worship. While I realize it is in Spanish, if you have the chance to listen to it, please do so with an open heart.
Recibe Toda La Gloria
Receive All the Glory
Quiero levantar a tí mis manos
I want to lift my hands to You
Maravilloso Jesús
Marvelous Jesus
Milagroso Señor
Miraculous Lord
Llena este lugar con tu presencia
Fill this place with Your presence
Y has descender tu poder a los que estamos aquí
And send Your power to all who are here
Creo en tí, Jesús
I believe in You, Jesus
Y lo que aras en mí
And what you are cultivating in me
En mí, en mí
In me, in me
Recibe toda la gloria
Receive all the glory
Toda la honra
All of the honor
Precioso hijo de Dios
Precious Son of God
That´s really all I am learning to want--His glory in all things, even at the expense of myself and my desires. I have been learning slowly for a few years now how to be more intimate with God. Initially, the lesson was allowing God to truly know me even when that meant being flawed and vulnerable. Then, the lesson was to receive God´s love deeply, to let Him show me how He sees me, and to forgive myself as He forgives me. Now, I am learning that being intimate with someone is not always an enjoyable experience in the superficial sense of the word. Being that close with someone also entails carrying their burdens. Suffering with them. While it is a meager example, I see this as being true in my experiences with Roy. He is constantly running, constantly has something to do and someone to help. He very rarely gets a second of rest, and he willingly spends his life as a servant for others. There are times when he is in a time crunch or simply has far too many things to accomplish, and he feels stress. And when I´m around him, it reaches a point where I, too, literally feel his stress. Every time he sighs, I feel heavier. Every time he rubs his hands over his weary eyes or simply cannot stifle another yawn, I feel that, and I long to relieve the burden, to give him rest, even when I can´t. The point is that there is also a closeness to reach with God where we share in the suffering of Jesus and in the suffering of Jesus in others. He calls us to an intimacy where we carry His burdens. And this is the kind of intimacy I want to dedicate myself to.
Anyway, with those thoughts in mind, I want to tell you also a little bit about my precious students here. They light up my day in a way that I can´t begin to express.
None of my students have electricity in their homes in Chiligatoro. There is only one house that has electricity there, and it belongs to the patriarch and community leader of the entire pueblo. My students come to school dirty with holes in their clothes and worn shoes on their feet. (I´m so grateful they have shoes!) It is cold in Chiligatoro. The teachers wear gloves, and sometimes, the uniforms of the students are quite thin. The decaying of my students teeth is actually visible. They are often quiet and shy, sucking on their fingers (no matter their age) or speaking so softly that you can´t understand them. Other students are quite confident and readily talk in class and address me boldly as ´´Sarita.´´ All of my students are brilliant, truly. I am so blessed by how they are learning and how they desire to learn more. My first graders run up to us and yell, ´´yellow,´´ and ´´green.´´ My sixth graders beg everyday for English class (even when it´s not their day to have class), and they catch me during free time to learn even more. All of my students have such vibrant energy. The boys utilize every single second of spare time to play soccer, and they have been using the same, worn, plastic ball since I´ve been here. Today, that ball had a hole in it, so they patched it with a piece of chewing gum. At lunch, the mothers take turns bringing food, and they eat the catracho usual--rice and beans, tortillas, and occasionally soup or oatmeal. They grin every time I tell them ´´buen provecho´´ as is custom here. (It is wishing someone a good meal.) Every child, no matter how young or old, cannot help but smile back at me when I smile at them. And many have now graduated to daily hugs. I am slowly learning their names, and the children are so ecstatic when I remember them personally. (Please pray that I can learn as many as possible!) I love my students dearly, and I will miss them so very much when I leave.
I don´t necessarily know the detailed purposes of this trip to Honduras--there seem to be many, actually. But one thing I want to leave this place with is the heart of a servant and a lifestyle dedicated to obedience, in such a way that He truly receives all the glory.
Humbled,
Sarah
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Admiring Home
Hello All,
Well, I had an amazing weekend. Thursday, Roy picked me up, and we went on some mandatos and stopped for a breather at a coffee place. It was really nice. Then it was back to life as usual in Tegus. I helped Sara cook dinner for the team, and we made sandwiches for street ministry.
I went with Alvin, the Danish team, Cesar and Patricia (from Belize), and mis hermanitos (Kevin and Bladimir). All I can really say about it is that I was home. Talking to the regulars that were high on glue was completely normal for me. I saw Kevin, a friend that my family made in 2007, who is still living on the streets. He was so pleased that I remembered his name. When I live here, I want to go with Alvin to visit the street kids whenever he goes by himself without teams. After we had made all of our stops, Alvin stopped at a flat place near the stadium overlooking the whole city. It´s a phenomenal view. I was standing beside him just soaking it all in, thinking about how I can´t wait to live here. Out of the corner of my eye, I happened to catch Papí Alvin staring at me and grinning. I looked over and said, ´´What?´´ And he just smiled and said, ´´Admiring your home?´´ I just grinned and said yes. I´m so glad that he knows that Honduras is my home.
Friday and Saturday, I helped Mamí Sara cook for the team. It felt so good to be washing dishes at Alvin´s again, surrounded by mis hermanitos and lovely family. It just amazes me how at home I feel with everyone there.
I had such a difficult time leaving today. As soon as I got on the bus to go back to Esperanza, I started crying. I have no idea why. I just didn´t want to leave. I´m such a weirdo. I won´t be going back to Tegus next weekend though because it is the birthday of my host mother in Esperanza, and they´re having a big birthday party for her. So I will be staying here. If I´m crying just leaving Tegucigalpa, I can only imagine how difficult it will be to leave for the US. Oh, brokenness. . .we are becoming close friends.
With love,
Sarah
Well, I had an amazing weekend. Thursday, Roy picked me up, and we went on some mandatos and stopped for a breather at a coffee place. It was really nice. Then it was back to life as usual in Tegus. I helped Sara cook dinner for the team, and we made sandwiches for street ministry.
I went with Alvin, the Danish team, Cesar and Patricia (from Belize), and mis hermanitos (Kevin and Bladimir). All I can really say about it is that I was home. Talking to the regulars that were high on glue was completely normal for me. I saw Kevin, a friend that my family made in 2007, who is still living on the streets. He was so pleased that I remembered his name. When I live here, I want to go with Alvin to visit the street kids whenever he goes by himself without teams. After we had made all of our stops, Alvin stopped at a flat place near the stadium overlooking the whole city. It´s a phenomenal view. I was standing beside him just soaking it all in, thinking about how I can´t wait to live here. Out of the corner of my eye, I happened to catch Papí Alvin staring at me and grinning. I looked over and said, ´´What?´´ And he just smiled and said, ´´Admiring your home?´´ I just grinned and said yes. I´m so glad that he knows that Honduras is my home.
Friday and Saturday, I helped Mamí Sara cook for the team. It felt so good to be washing dishes at Alvin´s again, surrounded by mis hermanitos and lovely family. It just amazes me how at home I feel with everyone there.
I had such a difficult time leaving today. As soon as I got on the bus to go back to Esperanza, I started crying. I have no idea why. I just didn´t want to leave. I´m such a weirdo. I won´t be going back to Tegus next weekend though because it is the birthday of my host mother in Esperanza, and they´re having a big birthday party for her. So I will be staying here. If I´m crying just leaving Tegucigalpa, I can only imagine how difficult it will be to leave for the US. Oh, brokenness. . .we are becoming close friends.
With love,
Sarah
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Lazy Day
Today was a slow day. We got two new volunteers yesterday--Astrid and Laura. Astrid is 19 and is from England while Laura is 30 and is from Argentina although both of them reside in the States. Laura is working with the IHNFA, and Astrid is doing construction work all by herself. They are both quite nice.
School was anti-climactic today. Wednesdays are our easy day anyway since we only have 3 classes, but today we only had one. The whole school seemed to be in the midst of testing or a physical education day. So, I spent the morning just visiting with my kids. I´m trying to learn more names. My sixth graders were wandering around (who knows what they were doing), and they asked me to sit with them and teach them the days of the week, the months of the year, and numbers. The boys later left to go play soccer, but some of my girls stayed with me and played with my hair. I love my students. I love how very at ease I am with all of them. The only class we ended up having was the A section of fourth grade. It went well although it was not as smooth as the B section.
Tomorrow, my host family is leaving for Roatan, and the rest of the volunteers are leaving for Utila. Thus, with no one home, I am headed to Tegus yet again and early at that! :) Roy asked me why I wasn´t going with everyone else to Utila, and I just explained that I have a very limited time here in Honduras. People are always the most important to me, and I would rather spend time with my family in Tegus while I can rather than travel.
Lots of love,
Sarah
School was anti-climactic today. Wednesdays are our easy day anyway since we only have 3 classes, but today we only had one. The whole school seemed to be in the midst of testing or a physical education day. So, I spent the morning just visiting with my kids. I´m trying to learn more names. My sixth graders were wandering around (who knows what they were doing), and they asked me to sit with them and teach them the days of the week, the months of the year, and numbers. The boys later left to go play soccer, but some of my girls stayed with me and played with my hair. I love my students. I love how very at ease I am with all of them. The only class we ended up having was the A section of fourth grade. It went well although it was not as smooth as the B section.
Tomorrow, my host family is leaving for Roatan, and the rest of the volunteers are leaving for Utila. Thus, with no one home, I am headed to Tegus yet again and early at that! :) Roy asked me why I wasn´t going with everyone else to Utila, and I just explained that I have a very limited time here in Honduras. People are always the most important to me, and I would rather spend time with my family in Tegus while I can rather than travel.
Lots of love,
Sarah
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Nuevos Amigos
Hello All,
I had a wonderful weekend in Tegus, and I got to see Alvin! I was so blessed by his willingness to take time to visit with me. I spent the weekend with my girls and helping Tía Sara prepare for a Danish team and a couple from Belize that are staying at Alvin´s this week. (The couple from Belize are so amazing! Our interactions were so natural, and it was so easy to get along with them.) It was so nice to be back in that house that feels so much like home. I haven´t really been keeping track of time since I´ve been here, but occasionally, I get a reminder that I´ll have to leave at some point, and I undergo a wave of sadness. This place is home. I love it here, and once again, it will be very difficult to leave--although the abundant promises of God will make it easier.
I had a very interesting bus ride yesterday. I took the very last bus from Tegus--at 5. I made a knew friend on the ride--a man name Cesar who is a lawyer in Tegus. It was such a God thing to meet him. There was a man preaching on the bus for almost an hour--this is a pretty common occurrence actually. He was quite passionate in what he was saying, and I could see where his tone of voice could be interpreted as forceful or even angry. I was watching the reactions of people on the bus as this man was saying that if you don´t believe in God, you´re dead. And I was pondering the methodology. I have been asking God to teach me how to witness. I have been so burnt by church formulas for witnessing, so brainwashed by step-by-step blanket approaches, etc., that I don´t feel like I truly know how to share Jesus with someone else. This, however, is the perfect place to me because every person is different. Witnessing is meant to be a natural outpouring of Jesus´ love for someone else. It´s not meant to be contrived. It should be as natural as breathing. With this in mind, I listened to the preacher and asked that God would speak to me through the situation.
After the man spoke, Cesar and I began to talk. Cesar felt threatened by the man. He felt as if the man´s tone was angry and didn´t convey the love of God. He felt as if the man wanted to fight, and Cesar wanted to provoke him to fight. I listened and offered as much of a stabilizing reasoning as I could, but I also understood Cesar´s point. I explained to Cesar that I understood that it was much easier to receive God´s love through someone who is a consistent friend, who meets you where you are, who knows your struggle, rather than through someone who invades your life for only a moment on a bus. I know in my heart that God can work through both, and perhaps, in the case of Cesar, He will work through both the preacher and me. I don´t know. But it was lovely to meet Cesar. He offered to pay my bus fare, and when he got off in Comayagua, he told me that he really enjoyed my company--a random, gringa stranger. We exchanged e-mail addresses at his suggestion, so I hope to continue to show the love of Jesus to Cesar however possible. I am so blessed by the people that God places on my path here.
Today, we got a ride back from the school from a man who works for World Vision. This man, Nelson, and I swapped World Vision stories since I worked for World Vision in West Virginia for a summer. It was such a blessing to meet him as well. He was very kind, let us ride inside the truck, and didn´t charge us.
Anyway, teaching went so very well today! I was so proud of my second grade boys. They remembered so much of the alphabet that we had gone over. First grade is still a ridiculous challenge. I don´t know that they´re going to learn or retain anything, but we have fun with them anyway. We made name tags to try to help us learn the students´names. It was such a good idea to do so! The kids respond so much better to the personal mention of their names. They have all learned my name, and at the end of class, after I had made a point to learn the names of the students in my group, I was swarmed with hugs. We played sound bingo with the sixth grade. It went amazingly well. I was so blessed by how much our students remembered and how excited they are to learn. I truly love teaching there, and I love my students very much.
Until next time,
Sarita
I had a wonderful weekend in Tegus, and I got to see Alvin! I was so blessed by his willingness to take time to visit with me. I spent the weekend with my girls and helping Tía Sara prepare for a Danish team and a couple from Belize that are staying at Alvin´s this week. (The couple from Belize are so amazing! Our interactions were so natural, and it was so easy to get along with them.) It was so nice to be back in that house that feels so much like home. I haven´t really been keeping track of time since I´ve been here, but occasionally, I get a reminder that I´ll have to leave at some point, and I undergo a wave of sadness. This place is home. I love it here, and once again, it will be very difficult to leave--although the abundant promises of God will make it easier.
I had a very interesting bus ride yesterday. I took the very last bus from Tegus--at 5. I made a knew friend on the ride--a man name Cesar who is a lawyer in Tegus. It was such a God thing to meet him. There was a man preaching on the bus for almost an hour--this is a pretty common occurrence actually. He was quite passionate in what he was saying, and I could see where his tone of voice could be interpreted as forceful or even angry. I was watching the reactions of people on the bus as this man was saying that if you don´t believe in God, you´re dead. And I was pondering the methodology. I have been asking God to teach me how to witness. I have been so burnt by church formulas for witnessing, so brainwashed by step-by-step blanket approaches, etc., that I don´t feel like I truly know how to share Jesus with someone else. This, however, is the perfect place to me because every person is different. Witnessing is meant to be a natural outpouring of Jesus´ love for someone else. It´s not meant to be contrived. It should be as natural as breathing. With this in mind, I listened to the preacher and asked that God would speak to me through the situation.
After the man spoke, Cesar and I began to talk. Cesar felt threatened by the man. He felt as if the man´s tone was angry and didn´t convey the love of God. He felt as if the man wanted to fight, and Cesar wanted to provoke him to fight. I listened and offered as much of a stabilizing reasoning as I could, but I also understood Cesar´s point. I explained to Cesar that I understood that it was much easier to receive God´s love through someone who is a consistent friend, who meets you where you are, who knows your struggle, rather than through someone who invades your life for only a moment on a bus. I know in my heart that God can work through both, and perhaps, in the case of Cesar, He will work through both the preacher and me. I don´t know. But it was lovely to meet Cesar. He offered to pay my bus fare, and when he got off in Comayagua, he told me that he really enjoyed my company--a random, gringa stranger. We exchanged e-mail addresses at his suggestion, so I hope to continue to show the love of Jesus to Cesar however possible. I am so blessed by the people that God places on my path here.
Today, we got a ride back from the school from a man who works for World Vision. This man, Nelson, and I swapped World Vision stories since I worked for World Vision in West Virginia for a summer. It was such a blessing to meet him as well. He was very kind, let us ride inside the truck, and didn´t charge us.
Anyway, teaching went so very well today! I was so proud of my second grade boys. They remembered so much of the alphabet that we had gone over. First grade is still a ridiculous challenge. I don´t know that they´re going to learn or retain anything, but we have fun with them anyway. We made name tags to try to help us learn the students´names. It was such a good idea to do so! The kids respond so much better to the personal mention of their names. They have all learned my name, and at the end of class, after I had made a point to learn the names of the students in my group, I was swarmed with hugs. We played sound bingo with the sixth grade. It went amazingly well. I was so blessed by how much our students remembered and how excited they are to learn. I truly love teaching there, and I love my students very much.
Until next time,
Sarita
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Romans 12
Romans 12:
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity; God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
I have learned that any time in my life when I feel as if I am struggling, fighting myself or my circumstances, or simply not resting in the sleep of God's will, I am not fully surrendered. I need to let go of the illusion of control of whatever it is I'm grasping too tightly. Sometimes, it is health--thinking I can will myself to get better, instead of trusting God to heal me. Sometimes, it is just trying to do too much--instead of letting God control my time and commitments. Sometimes, it is my finances--worrying for no reason when I know fully that God has always provided for me. Sometimes, it is holding too tightly to people that are dear to me--instead of surrendering them to the hands of God. A lot of times, it is unconscious, and it is only when I get still with God that I see it. His yoke is light, and the more I let go and put in God's hands (even when it means surrender and sacrifice of my desires and control), the more peace I have. Life is not a struggle when I trust every last detail to Him.
Yesterday, I read Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan. I would definitely recommend this book. I was fighting tears throughout the entire thing because it is so convicting. I can't even put into words everything that God showed me from this book because it hasn't all fully sunken in yet. All that I can really convey is that it reminded me of the true heart of missions--reaching those that are lost or in darkness with Jesus. It's just that simple. It's not about humanitarian work or education programs (although I know God can use those). It's not about food or handouts (although God can use those as well). It is just about Jesus. Period. With this in mind, the load of missions is lifted, because it's His work, not ours. We are only called to be obedient with reckless abandon. We are just the vessels, the mouthpieces. In some cases, our humanitarian work and the meeting of physical needs is a "good" thing that proves to be an obstacle for His best thing--the simple sharing of Jesus, salvation of people right where they are.
I've really been searching, seeking God as to what He plans for me to do when I move here. I imagined trying to drum up financial support with a complete loss for what I was going to "do," where that money would "go." In short, it was a fear of mine. Through that book, though, I learned that this is the way it needs to be for me. This is not my work, it's His. If it is all surrendered to Him, I don't need to "do" anything; He will make the way. Being a missionary is quite simple--it's sharing Jesus with people that don't know Him. I don't have to have a task or a title or even a plan. It's just Jesus. He will always show me where to go. I know this.
I find myself in the refiner's fire here. I am being stripped of my own ideas and plans, and I once again, find myself in the place of Abraham. God has given me a gift, a blessing for which I have prayed and waiting diligently, and now He is asking me if I trust Him and love Him enough to lay the very thing He gave me on His altar. It is difficult and painful. But I want His perfect best. I don't want to settle for the "good" at the expense of His best. Thus, all is surrendered to His altar. And once again, I feel peace.
I encourage you that if there is something within your life that you are fighting--as demonstrated by worrying about it, constantly bouncing thoughts about it around in your mind, feeling torn about it, or not being able to imagine your life without control over it--to surrender it. Understand that this kind of surrender is accompanied by obedience. There is no way around it. We can't give something to God with our own conditions. "God, I'll surrender this aspect of my life, if this happens. . ." or "God, I'll be obedient in letting go of this problem, if you make the circumstances go this way. . ." It doesn't work that way. Surrendering means obedience with reckless abandon. You don't know how it's going to work out. You are totally in the dark. But you believe and trust that He is a God who loves you desperately and will always work His best for you when you allow Him to do so. It's just that simple.
I want to walk the road of Romans 12. I am placing all of my life on the altar as an offering to the Father. I don't want to struggle against myself or my circumstances. I want to gladly embrace what He does for me--in my health, in my finances, in my future, in my relationships, in my daily activities, in EVERYTHING! I have learned that our obedience or disobedience or even hesitation to obey does not just affect us. It will inevitably affect someone else. I want to be obedient and wait for His best not just for myself, but because I know that the lives of others, the well-being of others, are related to my decision of surrender. God doesn't need me. I am not so important that He can't do His work without me, but I want in on it. I want to be whatever it is He has called me to be--humble, obedient, a servant for His kingdom, forgetting my own.
With humble love,
Sarah
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity; God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
I have learned that any time in my life when I feel as if I am struggling, fighting myself or my circumstances, or simply not resting in the sleep of God's will, I am not fully surrendered. I need to let go of the illusion of control of whatever it is I'm grasping too tightly. Sometimes, it is health--thinking I can will myself to get better, instead of trusting God to heal me. Sometimes, it is just trying to do too much--instead of letting God control my time and commitments. Sometimes, it is my finances--worrying for no reason when I know fully that God has always provided for me. Sometimes, it is holding too tightly to people that are dear to me--instead of surrendering them to the hands of God. A lot of times, it is unconscious, and it is only when I get still with God that I see it. His yoke is light, and the more I let go and put in God's hands (even when it means surrender and sacrifice of my desires and control), the more peace I have. Life is not a struggle when I trust every last detail to Him.
Yesterday, I read Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan. I would definitely recommend this book. I was fighting tears throughout the entire thing because it is so convicting. I can't even put into words everything that God showed me from this book because it hasn't all fully sunken in yet. All that I can really convey is that it reminded me of the true heart of missions--reaching those that are lost or in darkness with Jesus. It's just that simple. It's not about humanitarian work or education programs (although I know God can use those). It's not about food or handouts (although God can use those as well). It is just about Jesus. Period. With this in mind, the load of missions is lifted, because it's His work, not ours. We are only called to be obedient with reckless abandon. We are just the vessels, the mouthpieces. In some cases, our humanitarian work and the meeting of physical needs is a "good" thing that proves to be an obstacle for His best thing--the simple sharing of Jesus, salvation of people right where they are.
I've really been searching, seeking God as to what He plans for me to do when I move here. I imagined trying to drum up financial support with a complete loss for what I was going to "do," where that money would "go." In short, it was a fear of mine. Through that book, though, I learned that this is the way it needs to be for me. This is not my work, it's His. If it is all surrendered to Him, I don't need to "do" anything; He will make the way. Being a missionary is quite simple--it's sharing Jesus with people that don't know Him. I don't have to have a task or a title or even a plan. It's just Jesus. He will always show me where to go. I know this.
I find myself in the refiner's fire here. I am being stripped of my own ideas and plans, and I once again, find myself in the place of Abraham. God has given me a gift, a blessing for which I have prayed and waiting diligently, and now He is asking me if I trust Him and love Him enough to lay the very thing He gave me on His altar. It is difficult and painful. But I want His perfect best. I don't want to settle for the "good" at the expense of His best. Thus, all is surrendered to His altar. And once again, I feel peace.
I encourage you that if there is something within your life that you are fighting--as demonstrated by worrying about it, constantly bouncing thoughts about it around in your mind, feeling torn about it, or not being able to imagine your life without control over it--to surrender it. Understand that this kind of surrender is accompanied by obedience. There is no way around it. We can't give something to God with our own conditions. "God, I'll surrender this aspect of my life, if this happens. . ." or "God, I'll be obedient in letting go of this problem, if you make the circumstances go this way. . ." It doesn't work that way. Surrendering means obedience with reckless abandon. You don't know how it's going to work out. You are totally in the dark. But you believe and trust that He is a God who loves you desperately and will always work His best for you when you allow Him to do so. It's just that simple.
I want to walk the road of Romans 12. I am placing all of my life on the altar as an offering to the Father. I don't want to struggle against myself or my circumstances. I want to gladly embrace what He does for me--in my health, in my finances, in my future, in my relationships, in my daily activities, in EVERYTHING! I have learned that our obedience or disobedience or even hesitation to obey does not just affect us. It will inevitably affect someone else. I want to be obedient and wait for His best not just for myself, but because I know that the lives of others, the well-being of others, are related to my decision of surrender. God doesn't need me. I am not so important that He can't do His work without me, but I want in on it. I want to be whatever it is He has called me to be--humble, obedient, a servant for His kingdom, forgetting my own.
With humble love,
Sarah
Saturday, July 3, 2010
A God of the Details
Hello All,
I made it to the bus station yesterday by 6 AM, but the bus didn't leave until 7. I was initially rather frustrated by this because I had tried to get there by 6 to make it to the station by 10--the time that Roy had told me was most convenient for him. I knew that he would never complain and would come at any time that I needed him to, but I wanted to make his life easier. So, all I could do was just pray that God would work out the perfect timing. Roy constantly has a million and one things to do, and the last thing I want to be is a burden for him especially when I know that he doesn't have to pick me up or take me anywhere. After a seemingly endless ride, I arrived at the station at 11, and he was patiently waiting there to meet me.
On our ride home, he told me of how insane the day before had been for him and how hectic yesterday already was. So many crazy things had happened the day before--a flat tire, a friend's motor bike that broke down and had to be fixed twice, police stops gone awry, lots of chores and errands, and new friends made. It was a hilarious story, really, because it detailed the grace and hand of God in so many situations that were out of Roy's control. And furthermore, Roy told me that the arrival of my bus was perfect timing for him because of how his errands had worked out. I was quite grateful for God's attention to detail in this way.
Although yesterday's bus ride was long and hot and made me a bit carsick, waking up this morning in my bed, in my room with my girls, made it all worth it. Yesterday was a pretty tranquil day. I raided Tia Sally's library and read Sacred Journeys by Wendy Murray Zoba, who has lived in Honduras while her husband pastored a church. It was a good book.
Today, the girls, the aunts, and I are headed up to Alvin's house to prep for a team coming tomorrow. Lots of cleaning, washing, and cooking to do. Alvin will be here before I have to head back to Esperanza, and I am looking forward to seeing my Papi! And I'm sure with everything going on here, I'm not going to want to go back. But, I do enjoy teaching, and I'm thankful for that opportunity.
Thanks for reading!
Sarah
I made it to the bus station yesterday by 6 AM, but the bus didn't leave until 7. I was initially rather frustrated by this because I had tried to get there by 6 to make it to the station by 10--the time that Roy had told me was most convenient for him. I knew that he would never complain and would come at any time that I needed him to, but I wanted to make his life easier. So, all I could do was just pray that God would work out the perfect timing. Roy constantly has a million and one things to do, and the last thing I want to be is a burden for him especially when I know that he doesn't have to pick me up or take me anywhere. After a seemingly endless ride, I arrived at the station at 11, and he was patiently waiting there to meet me.
On our ride home, he told me of how insane the day before had been for him and how hectic yesterday already was. So many crazy things had happened the day before--a flat tire, a friend's motor bike that broke down and had to be fixed twice, police stops gone awry, lots of chores and errands, and new friends made. It was a hilarious story, really, because it detailed the grace and hand of God in so many situations that were out of Roy's control. And furthermore, Roy told me that the arrival of my bus was perfect timing for him because of how his errands had worked out. I was quite grateful for God's attention to detail in this way.
Although yesterday's bus ride was long and hot and made me a bit carsick, waking up this morning in my bed, in my room with my girls, made it all worth it. Yesterday was a pretty tranquil day. I raided Tia Sally's library and read Sacred Journeys by Wendy Murray Zoba, who has lived in Honduras while her husband pastored a church. It was a good book.
Today, the girls, the aunts, and I are headed up to Alvin's house to prep for a team coming tomorrow. Lots of cleaning, washing, and cooking to do. Alvin will be here before I have to head back to Esperanza, and I am looking forward to seeing my Papi! And I'm sure with everything going on here, I'm not going to want to go back. But, I do enjoy teaching, and I'm thankful for that opportunity.
Thanks for reading!
Sarah
Thursday, July 1, 2010
El Viejito
Hello All,
Well, I had quite an interesting day today. We missed teaching our first class (the third grade) because we couldn´t find a ride up there in time. La Esperanza is a sleepy town, and there seems to be no set routine of people always coming and going to Chiligatoro. Thus, we waited for quite a while until we found a truck to take us. Today, we had fifth, one section of fourth, and sixth grade. It went very well.
For all classes, we reviewed the alphabet, the sounds, and taught them the concept of long and short vowels. For this reason of the vowels, I did most of the teaching before we broke off into groups. I loved it. The students very quickly got the concept of long and short vowels through examples and my explanations in Spanish. I was quite proud of my students. After I felt confident that they got the concept, we broke into groups. The three of us--Lindsay, Marie Claire, and I--all have very different teaching styles although we build off of each other´s ideas. Because of a lack of a lot of visuals, I tend to utilize a kinesthetic teaching style. Recalling tactics from my Spanish teacher, I use a lot of games and repetition. I tend to shy away from vocabulary at this point, and I won´t move on to another concept until I feel confident that the vast majority of the group understands. At times, this means that I don´t seem to make a lot of progress, but I would rather that the students very solidly understand one concept rather than only have a superficial understanding of many.
The fourth grade teacher was watching me teach and also watching me work with my group. She pulled me aside after class and told me that I was doing an excellent job. She said that she really appreciated my use of repetition so that each child learns individually and doesn´t get lost. I was very humbled by her kind words. Fifth grade was a little more difficult to keep at attention, but I did have a few very enthusiastic students which is always a blessing. Sixth grade, I won´t lie, has stolen my heart. I love that I can teach them using the basis of their own language and that I can make jokes with them as the maturing young adults that they are. They have now started calling me ´´Sarita´´ as well. I love them. I love watching their faces light up when they know that they understand and proudly tell me the right answer.
After class, we got a ride from a very nice man who didn´t charge us. I am always so blessed by the Hondurans who are strangers that choose to help us. There are many, but like in any place, there are also those who are not so kind.
I had a very strange and infuriating thing happen today:
I was walking on the street where we live, a mere three houses or so down the road. I had just called Roy and was talking to him (in Spanish, naturally). Walking toward me was an older man, perhaps in his sixties although I didn´t really get a good look at him. I was trying to stay out of his way, so I walked a little closer to a truck parked on the side of the road to give him more room. But, instead of going his own way, he walked right up to me and had me trapped between him and the truck. I didn´t know what was going on and thought that perhaps he was drunk. As I was still talking to Roy, this man got right in my face and said something in Spanish to the effect of, ´´You should not be here in this country. You don´t belong here. If you stay here, I will kill you.´´ I was very startled, but I kept walking past him as soon as a little bit of space opened up. As I walked past, he smacked me on the butt. I was livid. Poor Roy got his first taste of the Sarah Crickenberger angry earful--quite a quick change from our previous happy conversation. I am so very glad that I was on the phone with him though because he provided enough of a confidence and distraction from the situation at hand that I believe I was better able to get away. Although he was very concerned and was asking me about all the details, he was also quite calming for me. While I was angrily running my mouth and trying not to cry, he listened patiently and comforted me. After our conversation, while I was still angry, I also more readily recognized that it was something spiritual. I have been reading in 1 Peter, and I found myself reviewing it after this incident:
What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we´ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven--and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you´ll have it al--life healed and whole. I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it´s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. . . . So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that´s coming when Jesus arrives. . . . You call out to God for help and he helps--he´s a good Father that way. . . . Your life is a journey that you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. . . . It´s because of this sacrificed Messiah, whom God then raised from the dead and glorified, that you trust God, that you know you have a future in God.
1 Peter 1
What counts is that you put up with it for God´s sake when you´re treated badly no good reason. . . . if you´re treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God. This is the kind of life you´ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so that you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step. He never did one thing wrong. Never once said anything amiss. They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right.
1 Peter 2
If with heart and soul you´re doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you´re still better off. Don´t give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. . . . It´s better to suffer for doing good, if that´s what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That´s what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others´sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all--was put to death and then made alive--to bring us to God.
1 Peter 3
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don´t jump to the conclusion that God isn´t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refinining process, with glory just around the corner. If you´re abused because of Christ, count yourself fortunate. It´s the Spirit of God and his glory in you that brought you to the notice of others. . . . So if you find life difficult because you´re doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he´s doing, and he´ll keep on doing it.
1 Peter 4
Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. . . . keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won´t last forever. It won´t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ--eternal and glorious plans they are!--will have you put together and on your feet for good.
1 Peter 5
I don´t find it to be any accident that this was the book that has been on my heart this week. I don´t find it to be any accident that this incident happened to me and none of the other girls. I don´t even find it to be any accident that I was on the phone with Roy when this happened. It´s all spiritual. Although I was initially angry, I now take this incident as a great blessing--a sign of my obedience in being here now and a further confirmation that I am called to this country. Why else would a complete stranger threaten to kill me in broad daylight in the presence of numerous people for being in this country? I have never had anything like this happen in Honduras before. Thus, I rest in the security of His protection. I take joy in the knowledge that the fruition of His promises is imminent, and I am grateful for this tiny, minute measure of suffering.
Anyway, there is some sort of a seminar tomorrow at the school, and classes are cancelled. Thus, I plan to take a very early bus to reach Tegus as soon as possible. I miss it so much! Off to see Papi Alvin!
With love,
Sarah
Well, I had quite an interesting day today. We missed teaching our first class (the third grade) because we couldn´t find a ride up there in time. La Esperanza is a sleepy town, and there seems to be no set routine of people always coming and going to Chiligatoro. Thus, we waited for quite a while until we found a truck to take us. Today, we had fifth, one section of fourth, and sixth grade. It went very well.
For all classes, we reviewed the alphabet, the sounds, and taught them the concept of long and short vowels. For this reason of the vowels, I did most of the teaching before we broke off into groups. I loved it. The students very quickly got the concept of long and short vowels through examples and my explanations in Spanish. I was quite proud of my students. After I felt confident that they got the concept, we broke into groups. The three of us--Lindsay, Marie Claire, and I--all have very different teaching styles although we build off of each other´s ideas. Because of a lack of a lot of visuals, I tend to utilize a kinesthetic teaching style. Recalling tactics from my Spanish teacher, I use a lot of games and repetition. I tend to shy away from vocabulary at this point, and I won´t move on to another concept until I feel confident that the vast majority of the group understands. At times, this means that I don´t seem to make a lot of progress, but I would rather that the students very solidly understand one concept rather than only have a superficial understanding of many.
The fourth grade teacher was watching me teach and also watching me work with my group. She pulled me aside after class and told me that I was doing an excellent job. She said that she really appreciated my use of repetition so that each child learns individually and doesn´t get lost. I was very humbled by her kind words. Fifth grade was a little more difficult to keep at attention, but I did have a few very enthusiastic students which is always a blessing. Sixth grade, I won´t lie, has stolen my heart. I love that I can teach them using the basis of their own language and that I can make jokes with them as the maturing young adults that they are. They have now started calling me ´´Sarita´´ as well. I love them. I love watching their faces light up when they know that they understand and proudly tell me the right answer.
After class, we got a ride from a very nice man who didn´t charge us. I am always so blessed by the Hondurans who are strangers that choose to help us. There are many, but like in any place, there are also those who are not so kind.
I had a very strange and infuriating thing happen today:
I was walking on the street where we live, a mere three houses or so down the road. I had just called Roy and was talking to him (in Spanish, naturally). Walking toward me was an older man, perhaps in his sixties although I didn´t really get a good look at him. I was trying to stay out of his way, so I walked a little closer to a truck parked on the side of the road to give him more room. But, instead of going his own way, he walked right up to me and had me trapped between him and the truck. I didn´t know what was going on and thought that perhaps he was drunk. As I was still talking to Roy, this man got right in my face and said something in Spanish to the effect of, ´´You should not be here in this country. You don´t belong here. If you stay here, I will kill you.´´ I was very startled, but I kept walking past him as soon as a little bit of space opened up. As I walked past, he smacked me on the butt. I was livid. Poor Roy got his first taste of the Sarah Crickenberger angry earful--quite a quick change from our previous happy conversation. I am so very glad that I was on the phone with him though because he provided enough of a confidence and distraction from the situation at hand that I believe I was better able to get away. Although he was very concerned and was asking me about all the details, he was also quite calming for me. While I was angrily running my mouth and trying not to cry, he listened patiently and comforted me. After our conversation, while I was still angry, I also more readily recognized that it was something spiritual. I have been reading in 1 Peter, and I found myself reviewing it after this incident:
What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we´ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven--and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you´ll have it al--life healed and whole. I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it´s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. . . . So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that´s coming when Jesus arrives. . . . You call out to God for help and he helps--he´s a good Father that way. . . . Your life is a journey that you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. . . . It´s because of this sacrificed Messiah, whom God then raised from the dead and glorified, that you trust God, that you know you have a future in God.
1 Peter 1
What counts is that you put up with it for God´s sake when you´re treated badly no good reason. . . . if you´re treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God. This is the kind of life you´ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so that you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step. He never did one thing wrong. Never once said anything amiss. They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right.
1 Peter 2
If with heart and soul you´re doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you´re still better off. Don´t give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. . . . It´s better to suffer for doing good, if that´s what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That´s what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others´sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all--was put to death and then made alive--to bring us to God.
1 Peter 3
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don´t jump to the conclusion that God isn´t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refinining process, with glory just around the corner. If you´re abused because of Christ, count yourself fortunate. It´s the Spirit of God and his glory in you that brought you to the notice of others. . . . So if you find life difficult because you´re doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he´s doing, and he´ll keep on doing it.
1 Peter 4
Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. . . . keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won´t last forever. It won´t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ--eternal and glorious plans they are!--will have you put together and on your feet for good.
1 Peter 5
I don´t find it to be any accident that this was the book that has been on my heart this week. I don´t find it to be any accident that this incident happened to me and none of the other girls. I don´t even find it to be any accident that I was on the phone with Roy when this happened. It´s all spiritual. Although I was initially angry, I now take this incident as a great blessing--a sign of my obedience in being here now and a further confirmation that I am called to this country. Why else would a complete stranger threaten to kill me in broad daylight in the presence of numerous people for being in this country? I have never had anything like this happen in Honduras before. Thus, I rest in the security of His protection. I take joy in the knowledge that the fruition of His promises is imminent, and I am grateful for this tiny, minute measure of suffering.
Anyway, there is some sort of a seminar tomorrow at the school, and classes are cancelled. Thus, I plan to take a very early bus to reach Tegus as soon as possible. I miss it so much! Off to see Papi Alvin!
With love,
Sarah
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