Hello All,
I wanted to give you a bit of an update before I get swept up into the realm of last-minute packing for--Honduras!!!! While we were supposed to fly out on Monday, the threat of impending snow (that we never actually got. . .ha ha) cancelled our flight. Thus, we fly out tomorrow, have a layover in Miami, and finally will arrive in sunny Tegus. I can't wait. I haven't been able to sleep much for the past week because as soon as I close my eyes, I'm replaying Honduras memories and excitedly thinking of home. Soon enough, though, I'll be making new memories with Robert and Gabrielle who are coming with me.
I enjoyed my time with my family over Christmas. Just being around them is always a blessing. Sometimes, I forget how nice it is to be completely comfortable with the people that you're around--able to be silly, to wander around in sweats, and to be loud. I also had good visits with my extended family on both sides. It was nice to see the cousins and catch up a little bit. And now that I've had my time with my US family, it's on to my other family!
God had indicated to me a month or so ago that no matter what happens with this rather unplanned trip that we are to approach it all with an attitude of prayer. Therefore, when I heard about the possible snowstorm, I was praying as I drove back to Shepherd, asking God to keep it from snowing and cancelling our flight until. . . God asked me, "Whose trip is this?" Once again realizing that whatever happens, we are being obedient in going and that we can trust in God's best, I began to change my prayers, asking only for God's will this time. When our flight was cancelled, while we were initially disappointed, we chose to see it as God's best and as another part of the adventure. We aren't even in Honduras yet, but God has already blessed this trip in so many unexpected ways. None of us asked for financial help from anyone. We were just trying to be obedient to God's prompting to go. Yet, each of us has received generous outpouring from family, friends, and churches. We are so blessed by this surprise support and look forward to merely being the vessels that carry that blessing on to Alvin.
Because I've been to Honduras so many times now, it is just home. I don't see going back as a compartmentalized "mission trip," and I love it that way. Whenever you travel to a Third World country, the question you always get asked is, "What are you doing there?" And, this is an occasion where we don't have an answer other than "being obedient." We don't have a project in mind. We don't expect to do all of the usual team things that typically happen at Alvin's. We would rather be treated as family, able to serve in any capacity God leads. We do hope to travel to Esperanza so that I can share my second Honduran family, the school where I taught, and my life this past summer with Roy, Gabrielle, and Robert. I am ecstatic to see everyone again.
I feel so unbelievably blessed that God is allowing me to go back so much sooner than I expected. This is about the time of year where my internal repetitions of "I just want to go home" and homesickness for Honduras gets very intense. I don't know if it's something about the cold and the gray that makes me long for the blue sky and warmth of Honduras or what, but the fact that I'm in the height of Honduras longings and actually get to return is so wonderful. I've been told on more than one occasion that when I talk about Honduras that my whole face lights up, so I no longer feel so silly when Gabrielle catches me with an inexplicable grin on my face. That smile has been a permanent fixture for the past few days, and it's also no unusual for me to just start laughing to myself for no reason other than pure joy at the thought of returning home. Oh my goodness. . .I simply can't wait.
One lesson from Christmas that I am carrying with me to Honduras stems from a beloved Christmas carol, "O Holy Night." Have you ever really listening to the lyrics from that song? They really struck me, so let me share them with you:
O Holy Night
O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! O hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.
. . .
Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall he break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! O praise His name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
As I was listening to this song over the holidays, I was struck with the image conjured with the lines, "Long lay the world in sin and error pining, 'til He appeared and the soul felt its worth." I couldn't help but think of the street kids in Honduras or the images of starving children I've seen from Mozambique that are laying there with no hope in the midst of darkness, hunger, and filth. Then I began to think of how it must feel for them to meet someone like Alvin or Heidi Baker who shows them Jesus and also shows them how much they are worth, how much He loves them. There are so many souls in the world who have never felt their worth. Then, I began to feel the weight of the truth that we are the ones called to appear in the world of darkness inhabited by others in order to be Jesus to them and show them how much they are worth to God. As I mulled this responsibility over in my mind, I indeed wanted to fall on my knees in both adoration and in repentance for the times when I am not obedient or faithful in showing other souls their worth to Jesus. It is the life that He calls each of us to. We don't have to travel to a foreign country to find hurting people who need to feel their worth. I think it's also worth pointing out that the song does say "felt" rather than "know." The truth is that we can tell people that they are important and worth something to God all day long, and they can know it logically in their heads without ever feeling it.
I was thinking about gifts a lot over break and asked numerous people the question of what gift has been the most important to them, and my findings were that our idea of a good gift involves some level of forethought and sacrifice--of time, of money, of self. Jesus is obviously the best gift ever given even from a logical standpoint because God had the intuitive forethought to see our deep need for a Savior and chose to sacrifice the dearest part of Himself. Jesus then became deeply and personally aware of our needs as human beings. This Christmas has been a lot of learning about how God defines giving as opposed to how my culture tends to define giving, and the most important conclusion I've come to is that if we truly want to give like Jesus, we have to see past ourselves to the needs of others, choose to feel those needs, and choose to sacrifice--lay down our lives, our time, our money for others. (Are those things really ours anyway?) If we're being honest, simply approaching everyone with a blanket approach of sharing Jesus defies how God defines giving. When we don't seek God's best way of reaching another human being and rely on formulas or what we've always been taught or think we're supposed to do, we're not taking the time to acquaint ourselves personally with the other person's needs, to have the forethought of how to show Jesus specifically to that person, and aren't sacrificing much of ourselves. How much does it cost to give a stranger a standard spiel about the Gospel? How much more does it cost to live as that stranger lives, to embrace their suffering for ourselves, to feel their pain, and them show them Jesus? It costs our lives. That is what God calls us to, and that is the attitude that I want to take with me to Honduras and throughout the rest of my life.
Happy New Year to all of you! I hope it is full of new beginnings.
Lots of love and excitement,
Sarah
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Found
Hello All,
I am always so amazed at the ways that God can find me even when I have buried myself in work or am dwelling in despair. He always manages to knock on the door of my heart when I need it most. It has been a difficult week for various reasons--the easiest way to explain it is merely be reverting back to the old theme which is loss, loss, and more loss. In the midst of feeling abandoned by various humans, I found myself questioning why God loves me and struggling to know in my heart that He never abandons me. After spending some portion of every day this past week in tears and pain, God found me today in the midst of my 13-page Spanish paper--the last assignment of the semester.
I was listening to Pandora when a live version of "Blessed Be Your Name" by the Newsboys came on. Already a theme song for this week and year, I listened a little more intently as the lead singer began to quote scripture at the end. It hit home. http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLycgKxlgc0
The scripture that he recites is from Isaiah--one of my favorite books anyway--and they were words that I so desperately needed:
from Isaiah 40-41:
"So--who is like me?
Who holds a candle to me?" says The Holy.
Look at the night skies:
Who do you think made all this?
Who marches this army of stars out each night,
counts them off, calls each by name
--so magnificent! so powerful!--
and never overlooks a single one?
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God will get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind. . . .
"But you, Israel, are my servant.
You're Jacob, my first choice,
descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
will end up out in the cold--
real losers.
Those who worked against you
will end up empty-handed--
nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
you won't find them--
Not a trace of your old enemies,
not even a memory.
That's right. Because I, your God,
have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go.
I'm telling you, 'Don't panic.
I'm right here to help you.'
"Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob?
Don't be afraid.
Feel like a fragile insect, Israel?
I'll help you.
I, God, want to reassure you.
The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.
Then, moments after hearing this scripture, I was sent a convicting text from my friend, Robert, who will be going with me and my cousin to Honduras in a couple weeks. He reminded me of the scripture 1 Corinthians 7:17 which I normally read in the context of marriage versus being single. However, that scripture in isolation was a nice, needed wakeup call for someone who has been counting down the days till Honduras for well over a month and who has a constant ticker tape of the thought, "I just want to go home [to Honduras]," running through her head. Sometimes, Honduras becomes a mental escape for me when I know that in reality any problems I have here are also present (and often magnified) in Honduras. Thus, this scripture was God's gentle reminder that home is always Him.
from 1 Corinthians 7:17:
And don't be wishing you were somplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there.
I can't help but be thrilled that I am going back to Honduras in 17 days; however, this is God's trip. I don't want to have any expectations or set plans. He is the one that organized all of this--it wasn't my plan--and I want Him to have full control to do His will. It's funny--I had no plans to go back to Honduras before I move, and I had pretty much determined that I was strong enough to be able to go that long without being home (still Honduras, can't help it). But, it is such an amazing blessing that when I find myself struggling greatly, telling God once again that I have nothing left, that I am just a lowly shell, and that all I want is to go home whatever that may mean, He has already made the way for me to go back. He knows my weaknesses and heart's needs far better than I do.
For that, I am infinitely grateful. I have made it through my second to last semester of college. Next semester is student teaching, and after that, college is over. I marvel at how fast the time has flown. I marvel at all that I've learned. And I marvel at the balance of loss and enthusiasm for the future that overtakes me on a regular basis, and in the midst of the pendulum of emotions, God reminds me to live and obey and love right here. That's the whole purpose of life, anyway. It's always been that simple.
With Love,
Sarah
I am always so amazed at the ways that God can find me even when I have buried myself in work or am dwelling in despair. He always manages to knock on the door of my heart when I need it most. It has been a difficult week for various reasons--the easiest way to explain it is merely be reverting back to the old theme which is loss, loss, and more loss. In the midst of feeling abandoned by various humans, I found myself questioning why God loves me and struggling to know in my heart that He never abandons me. After spending some portion of every day this past week in tears and pain, God found me today in the midst of my 13-page Spanish paper--the last assignment of the semester.
I was listening to Pandora when a live version of "Blessed Be Your Name" by the Newsboys came on. Already a theme song for this week and year, I listened a little more intently as the lead singer began to quote scripture at the end. It hit home. http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLycgKxlgc0
The scripture that he recites is from Isaiah--one of my favorite books anyway--and they were words that I so desperately needed:
from Isaiah 40-41:
"So--who is like me?
Who holds a candle to me?" says The Holy.
Look at the night skies:
Who do you think made all this?
Who marches this army of stars out each night,
counts them off, calls each by name
--so magnificent! so powerful!--
and never overlooks a single one?
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God will get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind. . . .
"But you, Israel, are my servant.
You're Jacob, my first choice,
descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
will end up out in the cold--
real losers.
Those who worked against you
will end up empty-handed--
nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
you won't find them--
Not a trace of your old enemies,
not even a memory.
That's right. Because I, your God,
have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go.
I'm telling you, 'Don't panic.
I'm right here to help you.'
"Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob?
Don't be afraid.
Feel like a fragile insect, Israel?
I'll help you.
I, God, want to reassure you.
The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.
Then, moments after hearing this scripture, I was sent a convicting text from my friend, Robert, who will be going with me and my cousin to Honduras in a couple weeks. He reminded me of the scripture 1 Corinthians 7:17 which I normally read in the context of marriage versus being single. However, that scripture in isolation was a nice, needed wakeup call for someone who has been counting down the days till Honduras for well over a month and who has a constant ticker tape of the thought, "I just want to go home [to Honduras]," running through her head. Sometimes, Honduras becomes a mental escape for me when I know that in reality any problems I have here are also present (and often magnified) in Honduras. Thus, this scripture was God's gentle reminder that home is always Him.
from 1 Corinthians 7:17:
And don't be wishing you were somplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there.
I can't help but be thrilled that I am going back to Honduras in 17 days; however, this is God's trip. I don't want to have any expectations or set plans. He is the one that organized all of this--it wasn't my plan--and I want Him to have full control to do His will. It's funny--I had no plans to go back to Honduras before I move, and I had pretty much determined that I was strong enough to be able to go that long without being home (still Honduras, can't help it). But, it is such an amazing blessing that when I find myself struggling greatly, telling God once again that I have nothing left, that I am just a lowly shell, and that all I want is to go home whatever that may mean, He has already made the way for me to go back. He knows my weaknesses and heart's needs far better than I do.
For that, I am infinitely grateful. I have made it through my second to last semester of college. Next semester is student teaching, and after that, college is over. I marvel at how fast the time has flown. I marvel at all that I've learned. And I marvel at the balance of loss and enthusiasm for the future that overtakes me on a regular basis, and in the midst of the pendulum of emotions, God reminds me to live and obey and love right here. That's the whole purpose of life, anyway. It's always been that simple.
With Love,
Sarah
Sunday, December 5, 2010
2 Corinthians 6
Hello All,
Today is such a beautiful day, and I find myself marveling at how truly beautiful God is. He orchestrates such perfect details in my life. How can I see His fingerprints all around me and not be completely enamored with Him?
I just wanted to share a scripture that I found to be a great comfort this past week:
2 Corinthians 6
Staying at Our Post
Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don't squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given us. God reminds us, I heard your call in the nick of time; The day you needed me, I was there to help.
Well now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don't put it off; don't frustrate God's work by showing up late, throwing a question mark over everything we're doing. Our work as God's servants gets validated--or not--in the details. People are watching as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly . . . in the hard time, tough times, bad times; when we're beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand, in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we're telling the truth, and when God's showing his power; when we're doing our best setting things right; when we're praised, and when we're blamed; slandered, and honored; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, though rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; living on handouts, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it all.
Dear, dear Corinthians, I can't tell you how much I long for you to entre this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!
Don't become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That's not partnership; that's war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God's holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are; each of us a temple in whom God lives. God himself put it this way:
"I'll live in them, move into them;
I'll be their God and they'll be my people.
So leave the corruption and compromise;
leave it for good," says God.
"Don't link up with those who will pollute you.
I want you all for myself.
I'll be a Father to you;
you'll be sons and daughters to me."
The Word of the Master, God.
With love in the midst of loss,
Sarah
Today is such a beautiful day, and I find myself marveling at how truly beautiful God is. He orchestrates such perfect details in my life. How can I see His fingerprints all around me and not be completely enamored with Him?
I just wanted to share a scripture that I found to be a great comfort this past week:
2 Corinthians 6
Staying at Our Post
Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don't squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given us. God reminds us, I heard your call in the nick of time; The day you needed me, I was there to help.
Well now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don't put it off; don't frustrate God's work by showing up late, throwing a question mark over everything we're doing. Our work as God's servants gets validated--or not--in the details. People are watching as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly . . . in the hard time, tough times, bad times; when we're beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand, in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we're telling the truth, and when God's showing his power; when we're doing our best setting things right; when we're praised, and when we're blamed; slandered, and honored; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, though rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; living on handouts, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it all.
Dear, dear Corinthians, I can't tell you how much I long for you to entre this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!
Don't become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That's not partnership; that's war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God's holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are; each of us a temple in whom God lives. God himself put it this way:
"I'll live in them, move into them;
I'll be their God and they'll be my people.
So leave the corruption and compromise;
leave it for good," says God.
"Don't link up with those who will pollute you.
I want you all for myself.
I'll be a Father to you;
you'll be sons and daughters to me."
The Word of the Master, God.
With love in the midst of loss,
Sarah
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Eagles and Name Signs
Hello All,
It has been quite a while since I have updated, so I figured I'd go ahead and let you know what's been going on. Thanksgiving break went very well. It was nice to spend some time with my family and to get away from campus for a while.
Last Wednesday, I had the opportunity to speak at Horizons Church youth group where my sister goes on a regular basis. I had no idea what to expect, and to be honest, I had forgotten that I had even agreed to speak until the day before. I am not someone that does much formal preparation when speaking to others, even if it's a large group. I would rather my heart be prepared to be a clean vessel of God's message than have the right words and timing all planned out. I hadn't been in a formal church setting in quite a while, and it had been even longer since I had been in a youth group. It reminded me of my youth group days, and the kids at Horizons were awesome. The praise and worship songs that they played were practically my playlist for this year with "Blessed Be Your Name" and "Lead Me to the Cross." And once again, God had to gently nudge me about another area of life that needed to be surrendered and lost. Speaking went well, and the message that God seemed to give me was the same simple one He resonates in my life on a daily basis--life on God's terms is infinitely better than anything we could imagine for ourselves. He wants us to stop assuming that we know what is best for ourselves and invite Him into every single detail and decision in life. To do that, we must lose all--our dreams, our desires, our hopes, and our fears. We must trust that God knows best and have faith that God loves us perfectly--enough to give us His best. The other day, I was astounded with the realization that God is control of my life. God--the one and only God--loves me enough to take control of my life when I ask Him to. He could completely leave me alone to my own vices, refusing to rescue me from myself. But, He willingly embraces the failure that I am and takes joy in leading me by the hand to Himself and His blessings. I can't help but marvel and His humility in this way. He is all-powerful, yet He doesn't forget me.
Last Saturday, I had a wonderful opportunity to go to Crossroads Deaf Baptist Church in Frederick, Maryland. As part of my sign language class, I was required to experience some elements of deaf culture. I found this church online, and I e-mailed the pastor. Although I was rather nervous because it was a potluck to be held at the pastor's house, and it seemed like a small church (which meant no disappearing into the background), I went this past Sunday. As I sat in my car a bit early, staring at the apartment building and wondering what I had gotten myself into, something God said during my first summer of living in Honduras rang in my ears: "Sarah, is the church My house? Because if it is My house, and you are My child, you are free to move about My house without fear." Thus, with this in mind, and feeling as if God had orchestrated circumstances so as to send me to this place, I went. It was a wonderful experience. While there was only one deaf woman there, she was truly delightful, and we were able to communicate well. It made me miss the early days of Honduras before I could speak the language very well--you learn in those moments that there is more to communication than syllables and syntax. Everyone at the church was so kind and so willing to share with me. We had a service in which the pastor was reminding us to be thankful for all things--even those that seem "bad." After the service, we had a Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of the pastor's home. Somewhere in the midst of passing the stuffing and being offered more sweet potatoes, it hit me that I was sitting in the home of total strangers as they asked me questions about my life and fed me their food off of their plates. They also gave me my name sign in sign language--the letter "s" in a smiling movement near the mouth. I love that total strangers were able to name me in a few hours with a gesture that conveys so much of my heart, a life overflowing with joy.
During my time at Horizons, I sadly realized just how cynical I have become in regard to church. It is so difficult for me to trust the sincerity of other Christians within church settings at times. I have become so jaded with the hierarchy that I am too quick to assume that the system of church and the people within it are only out to sell me something or to use me. I can know logically that this is not true, but experiences have taught me otherwise in some cases. Thus, the people of Crossroads encouraged me greatly. They already knew my reason for being there; they knew that I wasn't looking for a church, and especially due to the distance from my university, I wasn't likely to start going there on a regular basis. But, they treated me as family anyway, and their quiet kindness gave me a warm healing. I also think that this experience gave me a preview of how my life will be lived--dependent on God and free to be welcomed by the kindness of strangers. Overall, although it was out of my comfort zone initially, it was very much a New Testament church kind of experience.
In other thoughts, I recently received my student teaching placement for next semester. I am quite excited. Being a detail-oriented researcher, I googled the school and the teacher with whom I'll be working. The home page welcomed me with a reminder from God that He is always in control: Hedgesville High School: Home of the Eagles! Eagles have become a theme this year. I was given assignment a while back to think of an animal that was representative of me or that represented strength to me in some way. After living at the Eagle's Nest this summer, eagles came rather naturally to my mind. After doing some research, I found that eagles carry some characteristics that offer some interesting spiritual insight:
1) They're master fliers. They are huge birds, and if they put too much effort into flying, they will essentially wear themselves out so much that they'll kill themselves. Thus, their proficiency in flying resides in waiting patiently for a wind thermal to carry them as they soar to where they need to go. On these wind thermals, they fly to heights that no other bird can reach.
2) They're master fishermen.
3) They fly alone.
4) They live on higher ground.
5) They are extremely bold, powerful, and courageous as they fly through storm clouds when most other birds would hide in safety.
6) They are majestic.
7) They are faithful to their mates for life.
8) They are very patient, waiting for their prey sometimes for hours.
9) They have two sets of eyes.
10) They build nests in the wilderness.
11) They have contrasting color patterns and are noticeable from a distance.
With all of that said, after googling my facilitating teacher, I found out that she is award-winning and was the 2007 foreign language teacher in the state. While I don't put much stock in man-pleasing awards, I was interested in what she said during an interview. She mentioned that she incorporates service learning into her Spanish classes and that she believes that the most important part of learning a foreign language is communication. With these comments, I am excited to work with her since I share at least those sentiments. I don't want to jump the gun on this; however, with these things in mind, I can fully see that God is in control of even the smallest details in my life.
At any rate, I'm in the home stretch of this semester and am so thrilled that I will be going to Honduras in a mere 23 days. I feel so very blessed that God is allowing me to go back so soon, and like a fish out of water, I feel as if I need it greatly. I am so thrilled to be able to see my family there again.
Thanks for keeping up with me,
Sarah
It has been quite a while since I have updated, so I figured I'd go ahead and let you know what's been going on. Thanksgiving break went very well. It was nice to spend some time with my family and to get away from campus for a while.
Last Wednesday, I had the opportunity to speak at Horizons Church youth group where my sister goes on a regular basis. I had no idea what to expect, and to be honest, I had forgotten that I had even agreed to speak until the day before. I am not someone that does much formal preparation when speaking to others, even if it's a large group. I would rather my heart be prepared to be a clean vessel of God's message than have the right words and timing all planned out. I hadn't been in a formal church setting in quite a while, and it had been even longer since I had been in a youth group. It reminded me of my youth group days, and the kids at Horizons were awesome. The praise and worship songs that they played were practically my playlist for this year with "Blessed Be Your Name" and "Lead Me to the Cross." And once again, God had to gently nudge me about another area of life that needed to be surrendered and lost. Speaking went well, and the message that God seemed to give me was the same simple one He resonates in my life on a daily basis--life on God's terms is infinitely better than anything we could imagine for ourselves. He wants us to stop assuming that we know what is best for ourselves and invite Him into every single detail and decision in life. To do that, we must lose all--our dreams, our desires, our hopes, and our fears. We must trust that God knows best and have faith that God loves us perfectly--enough to give us His best. The other day, I was astounded with the realization that God is control of my life. God--the one and only God--loves me enough to take control of my life when I ask Him to. He could completely leave me alone to my own vices, refusing to rescue me from myself. But, He willingly embraces the failure that I am and takes joy in leading me by the hand to Himself and His blessings. I can't help but marvel and His humility in this way. He is all-powerful, yet He doesn't forget me.
Last Saturday, I had a wonderful opportunity to go to Crossroads Deaf Baptist Church in Frederick, Maryland. As part of my sign language class, I was required to experience some elements of deaf culture. I found this church online, and I e-mailed the pastor. Although I was rather nervous because it was a potluck to be held at the pastor's house, and it seemed like a small church (which meant no disappearing into the background), I went this past Sunday. As I sat in my car a bit early, staring at the apartment building and wondering what I had gotten myself into, something God said during my first summer of living in Honduras rang in my ears: "Sarah, is the church My house? Because if it is My house, and you are My child, you are free to move about My house without fear." Thus, with this in mind, and feeling as if God had orchestrated circumstances so as to send me to this place, I went. It was a wonderful experience. While there was only one deaf woman there, she was truly delightful, and we were able to communicate well. It made me miss the early days of Honduras before I could speak the language very well--you learn in those moments that there is more to communication than syllables and syntax. Everyone at the church was so kind and so willing to share with me. We had a service in which the pastor was reminding us to be thankful for all things--even those that seem "bad." After the service, we had a Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of the pastor's home. Somewhere in the midst of passing the stuffing and being offered more sweet potatoes, it hit me that I was sitting in the home of total strangers as they asked me questions about my life and fed me their food off of their plates. They also gave me my name sign in sign language--the letter "s" in a smiling movement near the mouth. I love that total strangers were able to name me in a few hours with a gesture that conveys so much of my heart, a life overflowing with joy.
During my time at Horizons, I sadly realized just how cynical I have become in regard to church. It is so difficult for me to trust the sincerity of other Christians within church settings at times. I have become so jaded with the hierarchy that I am too quick to assume that the system of church and the people within it are only out to sell me something or to use me. I can know logically that this is not true, but experiences have taught me otherwise in some cases. Thus, the people of Crossroads encouraged me greatly. They already knew my reason for being there; they knew that I wasn't looking for a church, and especially due to the distance from my university, I wasn't likely to start going there on a regular basis. But, they treated me as family anyway, and their quiet kindness gave me a warm healing. I also think that this experience gave me a preview of how my life will be lived--dependent on God and free to be welcomed by the kindness of strangers. Overall, although it was out of my comfort zone initially, it was very much a New Testament church kind of experience.
In other thoughts, I recently received my student teaching placement for next semester. I am quite excited. Being a detail-oriented researcher, I googled the school and the teacher with whom I'll be working. The home page welcomed me with a reminder from God that He is always in control: Hedgesville High School: Home of the Eagles! Eagles have become a theme this year. I was given assignment a while back to think of an animal that was representative of me or that represented strength to me in some way. After living at the Eagle's Nest this summer, eagles came rather naturally to my mind. After doing some research, I found that eagles carry some characteristics that offer some interesting spiritual insight:
1) They're master fliers. They are huge birds, and if they put too much effort into flying, they will essentially wear themselves out so much that they'll kill themselves. Thus, their proficiency in flying resides in waiting patiently for a wind thermal to carry them as they soar to where they need to go. On these wind thermals, they fly to heights that no other bird can reach.
2) They're master fishermen.
3) They fly alone.
4) They live on higher ground.
5) They are extremely bold, powerful, and courageous as they fly through storm clouds when most other birds would hide in safety.
6) They are majestic.
7) They are faithful to their mates for life.
8) They are very patient, waiting for their prey sometimes for hours.
9) They have two sets of eyes.
10) They build nests in the wilderness.
11) They have contrasting color patterns and are noticeable from a distance.
With all of that said, after googling my facilitating teacher, I found out that she is award-winning and was the 2007 foreign language teacher in the state. While I don't put much stock in man-pleasing awards, I was interested in what she said during an interview. She mentioned that she incorporates service learning into her Spanish classes and that she believes that the most important part of learning a foreign language is communication. With these comments, I am excited to work with her since I share at least those sentiments. I don't want to jump the gun on this; however, with these things in mind, I can fully see that God is in control of even the smallest details in my life.
At any rate, I'm in the home stretch of this semester and am so thrilled that I will be going to Honduras in a mere 23 days. I feel so very blessed that God is allowing me to go back so soon, and like a fish out of water, I feel as if I need it greatly. I am so thrilled to be able to see my family there again.
Thanks for keeping up with me,
Sarah
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Nothing Left
Hello All,
I'd like to go ahead and announce that I am ruined. It's in a good way, I will assure you, but I am wrecked. I will never be normal. I can never go back to mediocrity. I have been ruined.
This past week has been one of great difficulty, and once again, God has been dealing with me. (I wouldn't have it any other way--how else can I grow?) Once again, it's been another stage in the journey of loss and surrender, and it is painful. But, I have so much hope; life holds so much promise when governed with reckless obedience to God.
Then, this past weekend, I had my last ALEF retreat. ALEF is the scholarship that made it possible for me to go to college fully debt-free, and each year they hold leadership retreats for all of us fellows. If I am being honest, I am not often pleased with these experiences because my views of leadership are rather unconventional. I'd rather hear from the poor, serving missionary than the rich CEO, the faithful special education teacher than the powerful military leader. Money doesn't impress me. Human power is meaningless. Thus, I generally struggle to sit through these sessions because I reject so much of what they speak as normal success. This year was similar to past years in that regard.
Our first two speakers talked of various global troubles--the first was a powerful Air Force general, the second was a correspondent for CBS with the US State Department. Both of them talked about various plights in the world--upcoming Chinese power, troubles with North Korea, just the sort of things you hear on the news all the time. Meanwhile, most of the "solutions" that were listed involved weapons and force, diplomatic manipulation, and a well-spent dollar. Listening, I was devastated. Who said the US had to the be the world's superpower? The way I see it, we haven't been good stewards with the endless blessings we've been granted. Instead, we've been proud and selfish, greedy and exploitive. Pride goes before a fall--that doesn't exclude entire countries. Meanwhile, the people we would seek to control, exploit, and threaten are just that--people! People in Afghanistan, North Korea, Mexico, Iran, Iraq, Russia, etc. are not part of the ominous "them." They are people with souls and pain, just like we are. As these speakers brought up topic after topic for us, the new generation, to worry about, I sat with tears streaming down my face. There are so many people in the world that don't know Jesus. There are poor, starving, hurting, angry, deceived people all over the world that don't know Jesus, and it would seem that those that have the only hopeful answer are sitting comfortably in an air-conditioned room plotting out of fear the demise of the very people we should be reaching with God's love. As I sat there hearing about starving people in North Korea and dangerous Mexican drug cartels, all I could tell God was, "God, I'll go anywhere You send me. If You want me to go to North Korea, I'll go to North Korea. If you want me to go to Afghanistan, I'll go to Afghanistan. But, God, I am one little person." As the general was talking, the line from Jason Upton's song, "Dying Star," kept playing in my head over and over: Great victorious warrior. . .great shining star.
The whole talk revolved around what the strategies should be, and with every problem he presented, he made the quip: "There is an app for that!" and listed naval or air powers, weapons, and planes. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your strategies. And God made it very clear that the app for that is prayer. In that moment, I felt so alone, convicted, and repentant because while I would venture that nearly every person in that room would claim to be a Christian just as I do, how many of us are walking in what God is urging us, His people, to do? How many of us are broken and repentant, getting on our face daily to surrender the strategies that we think we have to solve the world's problems? How many of us have broken hearts for those around us and into the far reaches of the world?
I spent the whole day with such a heavy burden on my heart. I could feel it in my posture, and I could not disguise it on my face. By the end of the day, I was so heavy that I could feel a giant breakdown coming. When we went to dinner which was set to have another speaker, Gabrielle and I sat down at a table that we thought was toward the back. I purposefully sat at a round table with my back to where I thought the speaker would be standing because after hearing about "success" and riches, power and fame, I was done. I had nothing left, and the tears were already brimming. But, God, of course, has other plans. They moved the speaker to right in front of our table, and the way that he was standing was directly in front of my line of vision. There was no escape. The speaker, however, Kevin Crutchfield, was the best speaker of the day.
He started by talking of the world as a village of 100 people, and he explained the privilege that we have in the US. He pointed out that being born in the US is not a birthright. We did nothing to earn it, and we have the responsibility to recognize this privilege and be good stewards of it. He then talked of the people that are in our lives. He pointed out that he wouldn't be who he is today if it wasn't for his father and his workers and the people that serve faithfully that so many wouldn't recognize as heroes and leaders. By this time, I was so refreshed by his speech that I was crying. It wasn't just a tear here and there; it was red face, mascara streams, and snot sliding out my nose. I was a mess, and the speaker could clearly see it. Then he continued, "You may think, 'I am just one little person. What can I do to change the world?'" And he talked of loving people, treating them as you would want to be treated, being faithful in the small things, and running to problems instead of away from them. And in that moment, God reminded me of Heidi Baker and some things that I have heard in her messages--"I [Jesus] died that there will always be enough. . . . Love the one. Stop for the one. . . . I'm in love. I'm in love! There is no 'no' left in me for God!"
Thus, I am ruined. I can never live a "normal" life (who wants to anyway?) because I have seen too much. I know too much--God is too real. The world is too full of people who don't know Jesus, and my life is too short to waste being selfish. It's just that simple. Last night, with more tears streaming down my face (I'm pretty sure I'm just going to turn into a puddle before it's all said and done), I was listening to a message by Heidi Baker, and she said, "Do you know what I do in between meetings? I worship. I pray. I ride a bike and pray. I swim and pray. And some of you that may bother because you think, 'Oh that's so religious; why can't she just do something normal?' I worship. I soak. I am so desperate for Him that I have no other place to go. I'm unable to do other things. I'm just unable." And that is the place where I feel like I am slowly getting to. My greatest and most frequent utterance to God nowadays is "God, I have nothing left! I have absolutely nothing left." And when I have nothing left and no where else to turn, only then can He fill me up. He has given me these burdens for other people, other countries, other peoples, the world. They are His burdens, and rather than rushing into a fury of action, thinking that I can solve it all through my own strategies, all I can do is sob before Him and tell Him I have nothing left. I am so dependent on Him, so desperate that I can't make it through a day any more.
I have reached a point of such exhaustion. I am so drained. I cry all the time in any location in front of any people. I have nothing left. I feel so alone because so few believe that He is enough. The circumstances around me and even other Christians say that He's not enough, that I'm too idealistic, and while this breaks my heart and makes me cry with desolation, I hear echoed in my spirit, "I died that there would always be enough," and I am just crazy enough to believe it.
With humble love,
Sarah
I'd like to go ahead and announce that I am ruined. It's in a good way, I will assure you, but I am wrecked. I will never be normal. I can never go back to mediocrity. I have been ruined.
This past week has been one of great difficulty, and once again, God has been dealing with me. (I wouldn't have it any other way--how else can I grow?) Once again, it's been another stage in the journey of loss and surrender, and it is painful. But, I have so much hope; life holds so much promise when governed with reckless obedience to God.
Then, this past weekend, I had my last ALEF retreat. ALEF is the scholarship that made it possible for me to go to college fully debt-free, and each year they hold leadership retreats for all of us fellows. If I am being honest, I am not often pleased with these experiences because my views of leadership are rather unconventional. I'd rather hear from the poor, serving missionary than the rich CEO, the faithful special education teacher than the powerful military leader. Money doesn't impress me. Human power is meaningless. Thus, I generally struggle to sit through these sessions because I reject so much of what they speak as normal success. This year was similar to past years in that regard.
Our first two speakers talked of various global troubles--the first was a powerful Air Force general, the second was a correspondent for CBS with the US State Department. Both of them talked about various plights in the world--upcoming Chinese power, troubles with North Korea, just the sort of things you hear on the news all the time. Meanwhile, most of the "solutions" that were listed involved weapons and force, diplomatic manipulation, and a well-spent dollar. Listening, I was devastated. Who said the US had to the be the world's superpower? The way I see it, we haven't been good stewards with the endless blessings we've been granted. Instead, we've been proud and selfish, greedy and exploitive. Pride goes before a fall--that doesn't exclude entire countries. Meanwhile, the people we would seek to control, exploit, and threaten are just that--people! People in Afghanistan, North Korea, Mexico, Iran, Iraq, Russia, etc. are not part of the ominous "them." They are people with souls and pain, just like we are. As these speakers brought up topic after topic for us, the new generation, to worry about, I sat with tears streaming down my face. There are so many people in the world that don't know Jesus. There are poor, starving, hurting, angry, deceived people all over the world that don't know Jesus, and it would seem that those that have the only hopeful answer are sitting comfortably in an air-conditioned room plotting out of fear the demise of the very people we should be reaching with God's love. As I sat there hearing about starving people in North Korea and dangerous Mexican drug cartels, all I could tell God was, "God, I'll go anywhere You send me. If You want me to go to North Korea, I'll go to North Korea. If you want me to go to Afghanistan, I'll go to Afghanistan. But, God, I am one little person." As the general was talking, the line from Jason Upton's song, "Dying Star," kept playing in my head over and over: Great victorious warrior. . .great shining star.
The whole talk revolved around what the strategies should be, and with every problem he presented, he made the quip: "There is an app for that!" and listed naval or air powers, weapons, and planes. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your strategies. And God made it very clear that the app for that is prayer. In that moment, I felt so alone, convicted, and repentant because while I would venture that nearly every person in that room would claim to be a Christian just as I do, how many of us are walking in what God is urging us, His people, to do? How many of us are broken and repentant, getting on our face daily to surrender the strategies that we think we have to solve the world's problems? How many of us have broken hearts for those around us and into the far reaches of the world?
I spent the whole day with such a heavy burden on my heart. I could feel it in my posture, and I could not disguise it on my face. By the end of the day, I was so heavy that I could feel a giant breakdown coming. When we went to dinner which was set to have another speaker, Gabrielle and I sat down at a table that we thought was toward the back. I purposefully sat at a round table with my back to where I thought the speaker would be standing because after hearing about "success" and riches, power and fame, I was done. I had nothing left, and the tears were already brimming. But, God, of course, has other plans. They moved the speaker to right in front of our table, and the way that he was standing was directly in front of my line of vision. There was no escape. The speaker, however, Kevin Crutchfield, was the best speaker of the day.
He started by talking of the world as a village of 100 people, and he explained the privilege that we have in the US. He pointed out that being born in the US is not a birthright. We did nothing to earn it, and we have the responsibility to recognize this privilege and be good stewards of it. He then talked of the people that are in our lives. He pointed out that he wouldn't be who he is today if it wasn't for his father and his workers and the people that serve faithfully that so many wouldn't recognize as heroes and leaders. By this time, I was so refreshed by his speech that I was crying. It wasn't just a tear here and there; it was red face, mascara streams, and snot sliding out my nose. I was a mess, and the speaker could clearly see it. Then he continued, "You may think, 'I am just one little person. What can I do to change the world?'" And he talked of loving people, treating them as you would want to be treated, being faithful in the small things, and running to problems instead of away from them. And in that moment, God reminded me of Heidi Baker and some things that I have heard in her messages--"I [Jesus] died that there will always be enough. . . . Love the one. Stop for the one. . . . I'm in love. I'm in love! There is no 'no' left in me for God!"
Thus, I am ruined. I can never live a "normal" life (who wants to anyway?) because I have seen too much. I know too much--God is too real. The world is too full of people who don't know Jesus, and my life is too short to waste being selfish. It's just that simple. Last night, with more tears streaming down my face (I'm pretty sure I'm just going to turn into a puddle before it's all said and done), I was listening to a message by Heidi Baker, and she said, "Do you know what I do in between meetings? I worship. I pray. I ride a bike and pray. I swim and pray. And some of you that may bother because you think, 'Oh that's so religious; why can't she just do something normal?' I worship. I soak. I am so desperate for Him that I have no other place to go. I'm unable to do other things. I'm just unable." And that is the place where I feel like I am slowly getting to. My greatest and most frequent utterance to God nowadays is "God, I have nothing left! I have absolutely nothing left." And when I have nothing left and no where else to turn, only then can He fill me up. He has given me these burdens for other people, other countries, other peoples, the world. They are His burdens, and rather than rushing into a fury of action, thinking that I can solve it all through my own strategies, all I can do is sob before Him and tell Him I have nothing left. I am so dependent on Him, so desperate that I can't make it through a day any more.
I have reached a point of such exhaustion. I am so drained. I cry all the time in any location in front of any people. I have nothing left. I feel so alone because so few believe that He is enough. The circumstances around me and even other Christians say that He's not enough, that I'm too idealistic, and while this breaks my heart and makes me cry with desolation, I hear echoed in my spirit, "I died that there would always be enough," and I am just crazy enough to believe it.
With humble love,
Sarah
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Home for the Holidays!
Hello All,
It is November! I am so grateful. I was looking back at some old journal entries from last year, and I realized that this time last year was also a time of death, homesickness, and struggle, but October does eventually end. I can't believe I've only been back from Honduras for not even three full months--and I'm going back in a mere 51 days! I am ecstatic.
In the midst of all of the stripping, death, and burial, I found myself crying out to God and letting go of all of it but still saying, "God, at some point, after all of the dying, a plant grows again and is reborn. Please sustain me until You have it in Your will to cause me to be reborn." With this prayer in mind, I found myself once again in Isaiah.
Isaiah 48:
Tested in the Furnace of Affliction
And now listen to this, family of Jacob, you who are called by the name Israel: who got you started in the loins of Judah?, you who use God's name to back up your promises and pray to the God of Israel? But do you mean it? Do you live like it? You claim to be citizens of the Holy City; you act as though you lean on the God of Israel, named God-of-the-Angel-Armies. For a long time now, I've let you in on the way I work: I told you what I was going to do beforehand, then I did it and it was done, and that's that. I know you're a bunch of hardheads, obstinate and flint-faced, so I got a running start and began telling you what was going on before it even happened. . . . And that was just the beginning. I have a lot more to tell you, things you never knew existed. This isn't a variation on the same old thing. This is new, brand-new, something you'd never guess or dream up. When you hear this you won't be able to say, 'I knew that all along.' . . . Do you see what I've done? I've refined you, but not without fire. I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction. . . . Listen, Jacob. Listen, Israel--I'm the One who named you! I'm the One. I got things started, and yes, I'll wrap them up. . . . Come close, listen carefully: I've never kept secrets from you. I've always been present with you. . . . I am God, your God, who teaches you how to live right and well. I show you what to do, where to go.
Isaiah 49:
A Light for the Nations
Listen, far-flung islands, pay attention, faraway people: God put me to work from the day I was born. The moment I entered the world he named me. He gave me speech that would cut and penetrate. He kept his hand on me to protect me. He made me his straight arrow and hid me in his quiver. He said to me, "You're my dear servant, Israel, through whom I'll shine." But I said, "I've worked for nothing. I've nothing to show for a life of hard work. Nevertheless, I'll let God have the last word. I'll let him pronounce his verdict."
"And now," God says, this God who took me in hand from the moment of birth to be his servant, to bring Jacob back home to him, to set a reunion for Israel--What an honor for me in God's eyes! That God should be my strength! He says, "But that's not a big enough job for my servant--just to recover the tribes of Jacob, merely to round up the strays of Israel. I'm setting you up as a light for the nations so that my salvation becomes global!" . . .
"When the time's ripe, I answer you. When victory's due, I help you. I form you and use you to reconnect the people with me, to put the land in order, to resettle families on the ruined properties. . . .
Heavens, raise the roof! Earth, wake the dead! Mountains, send up cheers! God has comforted his people. He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people.
There have been a couple of situations lately where I have acted out of obedience to God, yet the results of my actions could be seen as failures within the world's eyes. I don't necessarily know the reason; perhaps, God merely wants to see if I'll be obedient no matter what the results are. But, at times, it does feel as if I've worked for nothing, that I have nothing to show for my obedience. I don't regret being obedient though. Throughout this month, I have felt so directionless at times. I've been looking to God and listening, but I have been tired and lonely. I had been praying that God would just give me some light, a direction, some hope for movement because I really had nothing left. I was so desperate for Him.
Then, my friend Robert, who went with me to Honduras in the summer of 2009, wrote me a letter telling me that he felt like God was leading him to go back to Honduras during our winter break and asking me to go with him. That came from out of nowhere. I hadn't even thought of going back before I move. When I first read his letter, I was confused and almost frustrated because my first reaction was to feel overwhelmed and torn. I have been in a heightened homesick for Honduras mode anyway, but going back at this time was so far from my plans. I have been treating this year as my last in the US, so I was expecting to spend time with my family. I was almost frustrated with Robert for presenting a situation where I felt as if I'd have to choose one family or home over another. But, I simply told God, "OK, God, what do you want me to do here? I'll do whatever You direct me to do."
I went to a wedding in Hershey, Pennsylvania, last weekend, and on the drive back, I was listening to the radio. It was as if God was talking to me through every song that came on. I was a mess, just telling God how desperately I need Him, how I have nothing left, how I feel so alone and torn. Since I've been back, I've become increasingly aware of the burden of compassion I carry in my heart for people here in the US. Honduras has so much of my heart, and I have a huge burden for the orphans and juvenile delinquents and lost there, but people are people no matter where they are. God loves the rich and the poor. God feels the pain of the openly broken and those that are hurting behind closed doors of performance. God weeps for the blind in the US and the blind in Honduras. God is desperate for intimacy with His church here as much as He longs for intimacy with His church in Honduras. I have been saying for so long that I love Honduras and am moving to Honduras and don't want to live in the US, and while all of that is true, I don't want anyone to think that I love the people of the US any less. There are so many hurting people in this country as well, but I must go wherever God calls me to go at any specific time. So, I found myself feeling the intensity of these two seemingly conflicting burdens and telling God, "I'm just one little person! How can I be in two places at once? How can I reach two peoples?" All I could do was give the burdens back to God until I felt a new sense of peace. I don't have to choose between the burdens or between countries or people. He's the One that placed both burdens on my heart. It is all His work. I have no idea what God has in store for my life, but I am humbled to my knees with the revelation that He has called me, that He wants to pour this one little person out as a vessel for His love.
So, with this surrender, I felt confident in God's leading to go back to Honduras in December. On this trip, it will be me, Robert, and my cousin/roommate, Gabrielle. It is my fifth time, Robert's second, and Gabrielle's first. I am so excited. We're going on December 27 until January 9 (Roy's birthday!). My mom was grateful that I'll be home for Christmas Day, so God-willing, I will be splitting my winter break between my two homes and two families. Papà Alvin, Mamà Nelly and the girls will only be there for four days of the two weeks we'll be there because they'll be doing some holiday traveling to Nicaragua. Mamà Sara will also be in Nicaragua. Roy will be in the southern part of the country until the 30th, but after that, he's excited to come to La Esperanza with us to visit my host family and possibly my students since he's never been to Esperanza before. And, he's planning on taking us to Casitas Kennedy (Tiny Houses Orphanage) and to see Julio and Bessy. We'll have plenty of time to spend at the Eagle's Nest; there are a few more girls living there now. I can't wait to see my little sisters! I have missed them so much. All in all, this spur of the moment trip to Honduras has been like a shot in the arm, and I don't think it's even necessarily the fact that it's a trip to Honduras (Ok, maybe it is); it's the light, the hope, the direction that I asked for. And, I also get the sense that it is some form of a rebirth. I have no idea what to expect. I'm not making any concrete plans. But, I am chomping at the bit to go back. I am so full of anticipation that I feel like I might implode. This trip is so far from anything I would have planned, but I keep coming back to Isaiah--This isn't a variation on the same old thing. This is new, brand-new, something you'd never guess or dream up.
That's the current story. Please keep us in prayers as we prepare. The semester is winding down, and we're going to be jumping from one fury of action (homework, projects, finals, holidays) to another (airports, buses, Spanish, new things!). I, for one, want whatever God has for this trip. I want God's work accomplished in both His Kingdom and on earth. I want to be recklessly obedient throughout this new adventure whatever that may mean.
Just saturated,
Sarah
It is November! I am so grateful. I was looking back at some old journal entries from last year, and I realized that this time last year was also a time of death, homesickness, and struggle, but October does eventually end. I can't believe I've only been back from Honduras for not even three full months--and I'm going back in a mere 51 days! I am ecstatic.
In the midst of all of the stripping, death, and burial, I found myself crying out to God and letting go of all of it but still saying, "God, at some point, after all of the dying, a plant grows again and is reborn. Please sustain me until You have it in Your will to cause me to be reborn." With this prayer in mind, I found myself once again in Isaiah.
Isaiah 48:
Tested in the Furnace of Affliction
And now listen to this, family of Jacob, you who are called by the name Israel: who got you started in the loins of Judah?, you who use God's name to back up your promises and pray to the God of Israel? But do you mean it? Do you live like it? You claim to be citizens of the Holy City; you act as though you lean on the God of Israel, named God-of-the-Angel-Armies. For a long time now, I've let you in on the way I work: I told you what I was going to do beforehand, then I did it and it was done, and that's that. I know you're a bunch of hardheads, obstinate and flint-faced, so I got a running start and began telling you what was going on before it even happened. . . . And that was just the beginning. I have a lot more to tell you, things you never knew existed. This isn't a variation on the same old thing. This is new, brand-new, something you'd never guess or dream up. When you hear this you won't be able to say, 'I knew that all along.' . . . Do you see what I've done? I've refined you, but not without fire. I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction. . . . Listen, Jacob. Listen, Israel--I'm the One who named you! I'm the One. I got things started, and yes, I'll wrap them up. . . . Come close, listen carefully: I've never kept secrets from you. I've always been present with you. . . . I am God, your God, who teaches you how to live right and well. I show you what to do, where to go.
Isaiah 49:
A Light for the Nations
Listen, far-flung islands, pay attention, faraway people: God put me to work from the day I was born. The moment I entered the world he named me. He gave me speech that would cut and penetrate. He kept his hand on me to protect me. He made me his straight arrow and hid me in his quiver. He said to me, "You're my dear servant, Israel, through whom I'll shine." But I said, "I've worked for nothing. I've nothing to show for a life of hard work. Nevertheless, I'll let God have the last word. I'll let him pronounce his verdict."
"And now," God says, this God who took me in hand from the moment of birth to be his servant, to bring Jacob back home to him, to set a reunion for Israel--What an honor for me in God's eyes! That God should be my strength! He says, "But that's not a big enough job for my servant--just to recover the tribes of Jacob, merely to round up the strays of Israel. I'm setting you up as a light for the nations so that my salvation becomes global!" . . .
"When the time's ripe, I answer you. When victory's due, I help you. I form you and use you to reconnect the people with me, to put the land in order, to resettle families on the ruined properties. . . .
Heavens, raise the roof! Earth, wake the dead! Mountains, send up cheers! God has comforted his people. He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people.
There have been a couple of situations lately where I have acted out of obedience to God, yet the results of my actions could be seen as failures within the world's eyes. I don't necessarily know the reason; perhaps, God merely wants to see if I'll be obedient no matter what the results are. But, at times, it does feel as if I've worked for nothing, that I have nothing to show for my obedience. I don't regret being obedient though. Throughout this month, I have felt so directionless at times. I've been looking to God and listening, but I have been tired and lonely. I had been praying that God would just give me some light, a direction, some hope for movement because I really had nothing left. I was so desperate for Him.
Then, my friend Robert, who went with me to Honduras in the summer of 2009, wrote me a letter telling me that he felt like God was leading him to go back to Honduras during our winter break and asking me to go with him. That came from out of nowhere. I hadn't even thought of going back before I move. When I first read his letter, I was confused and almost frustrated because my first reaction was to feel overwhelmed and torn. I have been in a heightened homesick for Honduras mode anyway, but going back at this time was so far from my plans. I have been treating this year as my last in the US, so I was expecting to spend time with my family. I was almost frustrated with Robert for presenting a situation where I felt as if I'd have to choose one family or home over another. But, I simply told God, "OK, God, what do you want me to do here? I'll do whatever You direct me to do."
I went to a wedding in Hershey, Pennsylvania, last weekend, and on the drive back, I was listening to the radio. It was as if God was talking to me through every song that came on. I was a mess, just telling God how desperately I need Him, how I have nothing left, how I feel so alone and torn. Since I've been back, I've become increasingly aware of the burden of compassion I carry in my heart for people here in the US. Honduras has so much of my heart, and I have a huge burden for the orphans and juvenile delinquents and lost there, but people are people no matter where they are. God loves the rich and the poor. God feels the pain of the openly broken and those that are hurting behind closed doors of performance. God weeps for the blind in the US and the blind in Honduras. God is desperate for intimacy with His church here as much as He longs for intimacy with His church in Honduras. I have been saying for so long that I love Honduras and am moving to Honduras and don't want to live in the US, and while all of that is true, I don't want anyone to think that I love the people of the US any less. There are so many hurting people in this country as well, but I must go wherever God calls me to go at any specific time. So, I found myself feeling the intensity of these two seemingly conflicting burdens and telling God, "I'm just one little person! How can I be in two places at once? How can I reach two peoples?" All I could do was give the burdens back to God until I felt a new sense of peace. I don't have to choose between the burdens or between countries or people. He's the One that placed both burdens on my heart. It is all His work. I have no idea what God has in store for my life, but I am humbled to my knees with the revelation that He has called me, that He wants to pour this one little person out as a vessel for His love.
So, with this surrender, I felt confident in God's leading to go back to Honduras in December. On this trip, it will be me, Robert, and my cousin/roommate, Gabrielle. It is my fifth time, Robert's second, and Gabrielle's first. I am so excited. We're going on December 27 until January 9 (Roy's birthday!). My mom was grateful that I'll be home for Christmas Day, so God-willing, I will be splitting my winter break between my two homes and two families. Papà Alvin, Mamà Nelly and the girls will only be there for four days of the two weeks we'll be there because they'll be doing some holiday traveling to Nicaragua. Mamà Sara will also be in Nicaragua. Roy will be in the southern part of the country until the 30th, but after that, he's excited to come to La Esperanza with us to visit my host family and possibly my students since he's never been to Esperanza before. And, he's planning on taking us to Casitas Kennedy (Tiny Houses Orphanage) and to see Julio and Bessy. We'll have plenty of time to spend at the Eagle's Nest; there are a few more girls living there now. I can't wait to see my little sisters! I have missed them so much. All in all, this spur of the moment trip to Honduras has been like a shot in the arm, and I don't think it's even necessarily the fact that it's a trip to Honduras (Ok, maybe it is); it's the light, the hope, the direction that I asked for. And, I also get the sense that it is some form of a rebirth. I have no idea what to expect. I'm not making any concrete plans. But, I am chomping at the bit to go back. I am so full of anticipation that I feel like I might implode. This trip is so far from anything I would have planned, but I keep coming back to Isaiah--This isn't a variation on the same old thing. This is new, brand-new, something you'd never guess or dream up.
That's the current story. Please keep us in prayers as we prepare. The semester is winding down, and we're going to be jumping from one fury of action (homework, projects, finals, holidays) to another (airports, buses, Spanish, new things!). I, for one, want whatever God has for this trip. I want God's work accomplished in both His Kingdom and on earth. I want to be recklessly obedient throughout this new adventure whatever that may mean.
Just saturated,
Sarah
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Visas and Valleys of Death
Hello All,
I know that it has been a long time since I last posted, but I did want to update you on the visa adventure and how life in general is going at this point.
Roy had his visa interview yesterday, and he didn't get it. Thus, he won't be visiting me this year. I won't lie--it is disappointing, and there is a sense of the loss of possibility involved. But, we had been praying only for God's will. I specifically did not pray that he would get it because I wanted God's best, God's choice. Thus, I am grateful because I fully believe that we got exactly what we asked for--His answer, His best, His will. With that said, it has created a new sense of loss for me in terms of Honduras. I have already been in overdrive in terms of homesickness, and now, the realization that it will be a full year before I will return is difficult. It's a bit like leaving all over again. I know that I will be there soon enough, and I have many things to take care of here still. But, home is home no matter how distant it may be.
Meanwhile, it is reaching that time in the semester where I am dumbfounded that the year is going by so fast, but I'm also so exhausted that part of me is ready for it to end. I am nearly done field work for the semester. I have my last half-day tomorrow. I am grateful, for this has been the best field experience I've had in Shepherd's education program. Rather than being stuck merely observing for hours on end, my facilitating teacher trusted me enough to let me grade and just jump in and teach whenever I wanted. I loved it! I have grown attached to the kids in the short time that I have been around them, and I will miss them greatly. This experience has been a reminder of how much I genuinely love students and will likely enjoy that element of student teaching, but it has also reminded me that I have absolutely no desire to work within the US public school system. Realistically, even if I wasn't moving to Honduras, I don't believe I'd want a job within the US public school system. As many of my friends know, I could rant endlessly about my frustrations with the system, but for the sake of sparing you all, I will say that I am just grateful that it seems that God is steering me elsewhere.
My other classes are going well, and I've been busy with lots of tutoring appointments. It seems that I split my time between classes that, oddly enough, all incorporate some kind of physical movement (painting, sign language, and self-defense) and teaching (field work, education class, tutoring). I am surprised by how necessary it is for me to incorporate movement into my life.
Along those same lines, I've been in a rut in terms of running for the past few weeks. This is my eleventh week of running although my mileage has considerably dropped over the past couple of weeks. I can always tell where I am spiritually by how I'm running or how difficult it is for me to run--to put it quite simply, right now, I'm exhausted. It's a bit difficult to find the energy to do anything at this point--which is of course the time when I need to press on the most, I know. For the sake of a good story, I will say that in the midst of slacking, I had my first 5K race this past Saturday. It was a great experience. I signed up for it a month ago on a whim, and my dad was so kind and came up to support me. I really enjoyed the time we spent together, and it was so nice to not feel so alone in the experience. I had already made peace with being the last person in the race, so I wasn't really worried about my time or my placement. I just wanted to run. I had never seen the course before, and the race was in Frederick, Maryland which meant we had to get up unbelievably early to make the 45 minute drive over there. The course was primarily through a cemetery, and given all that I'm learning about loss and death this year, I knew that couldn't possibly be an accident. Thus, I just invited God to join me on the run and show me what He wanted. He brought to mind Psalm 23--a scripture that Mamà Nelly told me last summer is very significant for me anyway. Verse 4 is what came to mind the most as I was running past rows of tombstones covering in flower arrangements: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. . .
In the weeks leading up to this race, God was dealing with me on some pretty serious past issues. It was not easy, and I spent a few days struggling, avoiding, and fighting with myself and God. He brought me back to Matthew 10:
If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I've come back to this scripture a lot since I've been back to Honduras, and I keep it in mind in terms of moving. But, what God was getting at this time was that He wanted to take me through some past memories and situations to uproot some lies and show me the truth. It was much easier for me to imagine and commit to moving to Honduras than it was to journey through the past pain of these memories. Another scripture that God reminded me of during this time was in Matthew 18:
I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like little children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom.
God was pretty clearly saying me that I had to allow myself to be a child that needed rescued. So, although it was painful, when I allowed God to journey with me through my past and face old struggles, I finally experienced truth and peace. It was so necessary even if it was draining and exhausting.
So, getting back to the race. . .
After going through a lot of "death" of self, I asked God what He meant by that scripture in Psalm 23, and He merely said, "Everyone thinks that the valley of the shadow of death is the most terrible place to be, but the reason that you don't have to fear any evil is that death isn't evil. Death is the exact place I call you to. There is no better place to be than in my will." This message was an unbelievable comfort to me throughout the race and in the midst of the situation with Roy not getting his visa now--I almost welcome the loss and the death, knowing that it is where He has called me to be. The other element of death is burial--depositing something in the ground to protect it for safekeeping, to save something beneath the earth. I obviously have no control over anything in my life; it's much better if I let it all die and reside in the safekeeping of my Father. I believe to further encourage me, God allowed me to get second place in the 5K (I will honestly note that it wasn't a huge race and didn't have many runners, so that's not very impressive) and to run the best time I have ever run. Once again, running (and life) is all about focus--I was looking to Him.
With love,
Sarah
I know that it has been a long time since I last posted, but I did want to update you on the visa adventure and how life in general is going at this point.
Roy had his visa interview yesterday, and he didn't get it. Thus, he won't be visiting me this year. I won't lie--it is disappointing, and there is a sense of the loss of possibility involved. But, we had been praying only for God's will. I specifically did not pray that he would get it because I wanted God's best, God's choice. Thus, I am grateful because I fully believe that we got exactly what we asked for--His answer, His best, His will. With that said, it has created a new sense of loss for me in terms of Honduras. I have already been in overdrive in terms of homesickness, and now, the realization that it will be a full year before I will return is difficult. It's a bit like leaving all over again. I know that I will be there soon enough, and I have many things to take care of here still. But, home is home no matter how distant it may be.
Meanwhile, it is reaching that time in the semester where I am dumbfounded that the year is going by so fast, but I'm also so exhausted that part of me is ready for it to end. I am nearly done field work for the semester. I have my last half-day tomorrow. I am grateful, for this has been the best field experience I've had in Shepherd's education program. Rather than being stuck merely observing for hours on end, my facilitating teacher trusted me enough to let me grade and just jump in and teach whenever I wanted. I loved it! I have grown attached to the kids in the short time that I have been around them, and I will miss them greatly. This experience has been a reminder of how much I genuinely love students and will likely enjoy that element of student teaching, but it has also reminded me that I have absolutely no desire to work within the US public school system. Realistically, even if I wasn't moving to Honduras, I don't believe I'd want a job within the US public school system. As many of my friends know, I could rant endlessly about my frustrations with the system, but for the sake of sparing you all, I will say that I am just grateful that it seems that God is steering me elsewhere.
My other classes are going well, and I've been busy with lots of tutoring appointments. It seems that I split my time between classes that, oddly enough, all incorporate some kind of physical movement (painting, sign language, and self-defense) and teaching (field work, education class, tutoring). I am surprised by how necessary it is for me to incorporate movement into my life.
Along those same lines, I've been in a rut in terms of running for the past few weeks. This is my eleventh week of running although my mileage has considerably dropped over the past couple of weeks. I can always tell where I am spiritually by how I'm running or how difficult it is for me to run--to put it quite simply, right now, I'm exhausted. It's a bit difficult to find the energy to do anything at this point--which is of course the time when I need to press on the most, I know. For the sake of a good story, I will say that in the midst of slacking, I had my first 5K race this past Saturday. It was a great experience. I signed up for it a month ago on a whim, and my dad was so kind and came up to support me. I really enjoyed the time we spent together, and it was so nice to not feel so alone in the experience. I had already made peace with being the last person in the race, so I wasn't really worried about my time or my placement. I just wanted to run. I had never seen the course before, and the race was in Frederick, Maryland which meant we had to get up unbelievably early to make the 45 minute drive over there. The course was primarily through a cemetery, and given all that I'm learning about loss and death this year, I knew that couldn't possibly be an accident. Thus, I just invited God to join me on the run and show me what He wanted. He brought to mind Psalm 23--a scripture that Mamà Nelly told me last summer is very significant for me anyway. Verse 4 is what came to mind the most as I was running past rows of tombstones covering in flower arrangements: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. . .
In the weeks leading up to this race, God was dealing with me on some pretty serious past issues. It was not easy, and I spent a few days struggling, avoiding, and fighting with myself and God. He brought me back to Matthew 10:
If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I've come back to this scripture a lot since I've been back to Honduras, and I keep it in mind in terms of moving. But, what God was getting at this time was that He wanted to take me through some past memories and situations to uproot some lies and show me the truth. It was much easier for me to imagine and commit to moving to Honduras than it was to journey through the past pain of these memories. Another scripture that God reminded me of during this time was in Matthew 18:
I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like little children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom.
God was pretty clearly saying me that I had to allow myself to be a child that needed rescued. So, although it was painful, when I allowed God to journey with me through my past and face old struggles, I finally experienced truth and peace. It was so necessary even if it was draining and exhausting.
So, getting back to the race. . .
After going through a lot of "death" of self, I asked God what He meant by that scripture in Psalm 23, and He merely said, "Everyone thinks that the valley of the shadow of death is the most terrible place to be, but the reason that you don't have to fear any evil is that death isn't evil. Death is the exact place I call you to. There is no better place to be than in my will." This message was an unbelievable comfort to me throughout the race and in the midst of the situation with Roy not getting his visa now--I almost welcome the loss and the death, knowing that it is where He has called me to be. The other element of death is burial--depositing something in the ground to protect it for safekeeping, to save something beneath the earth. I obviously have no control over anything in my life; it's much better if I let it all die and reside in the safekeeping of my Father. I believe to further encourage me, God allowed me to get second place in the 5K (I will honestly note that it wasn't a huge race and didn't have many runners, so that's not very impressive) and to run the best time I have ever run. Once again, running (and life) is all about focus--I was looking to Him.
With love,
Sarah
Friday, October 15, 2010
Consume me from the inside out.
From the Inside Out
by: Hillsong United
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fails
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord, my soul cries out
This is the song I'm stuck on today. It's so appropriate for me. Truthfully, I like the Spanish version better, but the lyrics are good regardless.
Have a beautiful day!
Sarah
by: Hillsong United
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fails
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord, my soul cries out
This is the song I'm stuck on today. It's so appropriate for me. Truthfully, I like the Spanish version better, but the lyrics are good regardless.
Have a beautiful day!
Sarah
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Lewisburg and Loss
Hello All,
Well, this weekend began Shepherd's fall break, so in the spirit of re-visiting a childhood favorite, I drove down to Lewisburg for Taste of Our Town and also to visit with all of my extended family here. I didn't really have any concrete plans--when I'm on my own, I am so noncommittal. I fill so much of my time with obligations of school and work that when I do have free time, I don't like to tie it down to any set plan. I guess when it comes to my own choices, I am fairly spontaneous. It has been such a good weekend.
The drive down was so beautiful although I am finding that any time I get into my car for a long drive, I am inevitably greeted with tears and nostalgia. I ran into Anthony as I was leaving Shepherd, and even just that nonchalant weekend goodbye seemed to foreshadow the greater one that is coming in less than a year. It's an overwhelming feeling when I allow myself to realize the people I am going to have to let go of. I just cry with the greatest mixture of joy and pain that weighs so heavily on my heart. This weight continued all throughout the weekend as I enjoyed the beautiful sunshine and music of TOOT, the smells and sounds, and all of the seemingly random people from my past that I ran into. It was amazing. I saw my first grade teacher and my old babysitter. I saw people we used to go to church with, old family friends, and spent some treasured time with my extended family. It was such a blessing, yet on more than one occasion, as I was taking it all in, I was met with that wave of a realization that I may never see some of these people again. Lewisburg is so synonymous with my childhood, and in many ways, it feels much more like home than Philippi ever has. This whole weekend it has felt as if God has been taking my hand and walking me through old childhood memories and dreams. I love Lewisburg so much. It is a lot like Shepherdstown--quaint and personal. My parents have always said that both of those places are little Sarah towns, and it's true. I love the sense of community, the importance of art, and the creativity that nestles in both places. But, as I sat on the curb of one of the streets of Lewisburg, just taking it all in, all I could tell God was, "But You're so real." I am reminded of my thoughts when I was in Cuernavaca, Mexico--another quaint and personal place, another little Sarah town. It would be too easy for me to fall asleep in a place like this. It would be too easy to be blinded by the sunshine and complacent in comfort.
The younger version of me would have been happy to live in Lewisburg, teaching, and surrounded by a lovely little place. The younger version of me--before Honduras--would never have thought to want anything else. But, I have been wrecked by the truth of how real God is. In Lewisburg, knowing my tendency to act out of what I think I'm "supposed" to do, it's as if God reminds me, "No one is making you move to Honduras. This is your choice. I will love you no matter where you choose to be." And all I can do is weep and say, "But God, You are so real! How could I want anything but where You lead? How could I live in the comfort and old dreams of this place when I have seen so much? How could I turn a blind eye to the Jesus I have seen in the orphans and street kids in Honduras? I would rather live my life in the darkness of the world with the sushine of Your Kingdom in my heart than to be warmed by natural light into a forgetfulness of Your Kingdom." He is so real, so much more real than the world I see around me. So real that all I can do is marvel in joy and feel the pain of the loss of what I leave behind as I chase after Him.
This weekend has been a bit of an out-of-body experience simply because I can feel the tendrils of old vines uncurling, the roots of old memories leaving the earth, and the flowers of old dreams withering. It is painful. As I talk to people from my past and tell them I'm moving to Honduras, they ask me for how long, and I don't have an answer. I just tell them that I'm treating this year as my last to live in the US permanently. Some of them look at me like I'm crazy. Most of them are supportive and give a hearty, "Well, good for you!" And, I feel such an intense loneliness when it comes to other humans because I know that very few understand why I'm doing this. I find myself inwardly telling everyone, "If you only knew. . .if you only knew how real He is, you would understand because it would wreck you as it has wrecked me. He is so real. His love is so real." And all I can do is weep and pray because I don't know how you convey that truth to another person.
In the midst of all of the loss, I am reminded of the words of Jim Elliot and Mother Teresa's mother:
"God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him." -- Jim Elliot
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -- Jim Elliot
"Put your hand in His [Jesus'] hand, and walk alone with Him. Walk ahead, because if you look back you will go back." -- Mother Teresa's mother
So, I walk ahead alone, and the farther I feel from every person I care about, the closer I feel to God. I know that it's all part of what God is doing in my heart. He is preparing me to leave. He has to strip me down to just me and Him because my life is not about me--it's only a side story for His glory.
During this journey, I have found so much comfort in the story and example of Heidi Baker. On more than one occasion my roommates have come home to me sitting on the couch just bawling as I watch videos of her loving on children or speaking truths that resonate in my own heart. I have come to know more and more the reality of Him in what I see in the life in Heidi Baker. Here are some videos of her that blow me away:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAoYSH0BUtM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwpvKBYQXFc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6oB0UTwNK0
Meanwhile, I have also been stuck on the music of Jesus Culture, and these songs particularly just bring me to tears every time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UQxp0YhRuM
He is so real, beloved. If the reality of Him hasn't wrecked you yet, I urge you with the truth that there is more. (There is always more. I have barely touched the reality of Him.) There is so much more of His presence. He doesn't choose to visit spiritual big shots. You don't have to be "important" to the world or to the mainstream Christian hierarchy to receive His tangible presence. He chooses to visit the poor in spirit wherever they are. He encompasses those who are willing to get on their faces before Him and lose it all. I so wish that I knew how to tell the people that give me that hearty "Good for you!" that He has more for them as well. It's not about what you do for Him. It's not about church. It's not about man-pleasing. It's not about what we think we're supposed to do. It's just about Him. It's about laying everything down for the tangible reality of Him. It's all His work anyway. We are merely the fragile, earthen vessels. He won't relent until He has it all. He wants your heart--not your works, not your strategies, not your plans for furthering His Kingdom. He wants your heart, weak though it may be. There is more, beloved. Don't settle any more. Let Him make Himself real to you.
With Brokenness and Love,
Sarah
Well, this weekend began Shepherd's fall break, so in the spirit of re-visiting a childhood favorite, I drove down to Lewisburg for Taste of Our Town and also to visit with all of my extended family here. I didn't really have any concrete plans--when I'm on my own, I am so noncommittal. I fill so much of my time with obligations of school and work that when I do have free time, I don't like to tie it down to any set plan. I guess when it comes to my own choices, I am fairly spontaneous. It has been such a good weekend.
The drive down was so beautiful although I am finding that any time I get into my car for a long drive, I am inevitably greeted with tears and nostalgia. I ran into Anthony as I was leaving Shepherd, and even just that nonchalant weekend goodbye seemed to foreshadow the greater one that is coming in less than a year. It's an overwhelming feeling when I allow myself to realize the people I am going to have to let go of. I just cry with the greatest mixture of joy and pain that weighs so heavily on my heart. This weight continued all throughout the weekend as I enjoyed the beautiful sunshine and music of TOOT, the smells and sounds, and all of the seemingly random people from my past that I ran into. It was amazing. I saw my first grade teacher and my old babysitter. I saw people we used to go to church with, old family friends, and spent some treasured time with my extended family. It was such a blessing, yet on more than one occasion, as I was taking it all in, I was met with that wave of a realization that I may never see some of these people again. Lewisburg is so synonymous with my childhood, and in many ways, it feels much more like home than Philippi ever has. This whole weekend it has felt as if God has been taking my hand and walking me through old childhood memories and dreams. I love Lewisburg so much. It is a lot like Shepherdstown--quaint and personal. My parents have always said that both of those places are little Sarah towns, and it's true. I love the sense of community, the importance of art, and the creativity that nestles in both places. But, as I sat on the curb of one of the streets of Lewisburg, just taking it all in, all I could tell God was, "But You're so real." I am reminded of my thoughts when I was in Cuernavaca, Mexico--another quaint and personal place, another little Sarah town. It would be too easy for me to fall asleep in a place like this. It would be too easy to be blinded by the sunshine and complacent in comfort.
The younger version of me would have been happy to live in Lewisburg, teaching, and surrounded by a lovely little place. The younger version of me--before Honduras--would never have thought to want anything else. But, I have been wrecked by the truth of how real God is. In Lewisburg, knowing my tendency to act out of what I think I'm "supposed" to do, it's as if God reminds me, "No one is making you move to Honduras. This is your choice. I will love you no matter where you choose to be." And all I can do is weep and say, "But God, You are so real! How could I want anything but where You lead? How could I live in the comfort and old dreams of this place when I have seen so much? How could I turn a blind eye to the Jesus I have seen in the orphans and street kids in Honduras? I would rather live my life in the darkness of the world with the sushine of Your Kingdom in my heart than to be warmed by natural light into a forgetfulness of Your Kingdom." He is so real, so much more real than the world I see around me. So real that all I can do is marvel in joy and feel the pain of the loss of what I leave behind as I chase after Him.
This weekend has been a bit of an out-of-body experience simply because I can feel the tendrils of old vines uncurling, the roots of old memories leaving the earth, and the flowers of old dreams withering. It is painful. As I talk to people from my past and tell them I'm moving to Honduras, they ask me for how long, and I don't have an answer. I just tell them that I'm treating this year as my last to live in the US permanently. Some of them look at me like I'm crazy. Most of them are supportive and give a hearty, "Well, good for you!" And, I feel such an intense loneliness when it comes to other humans because I know that very few understand why I'm doing this. I find myself inwardly telling everyone, "If you only knew. . .if you only knew how real He is, you would understand because it would wreck you as it has wrecked me. He is so real. His love is so real." And all I can do is weep and pray because I don't know how you convey that truth to another person.
In the midst of all of the loss, I am reminded of the words of Jim Elliot and Mother Teresa's mother:
"God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him." -- Jim Elliot
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -- Jim Elliot
"Put your hand in His [Jesus'] hand, and walk alone with Him. Walk ahead, because if you look back you will go back." -- Mother Teresa's mother
So, I walk ahead alone, and the farther I feel from every person I care about, the closer I feel to God. I know that it's all part of what God is doing in my heart. He is preparing me to leave. He has to strip me down to just me and Him because my life is not about me--it's only a side story for His glory.
During this journey, I have found so much comfort in the story and example of Heidi Baker. On more than one occasion my roommates have come home to me sitting on the couch just bawling as I watch videos of her loving on children or speaking truths that resonate in my own heart. I have come to know more and more the reality of Him in what I see in the life in Heidi Baker. Here are some videos of her that blow me away:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAoYSH0BUtM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwpvKBYQXFc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6oB0UTwNK0
Meanwhile, I have also been stuck on the music of Jesus Culture, and these songs particularly just bring me to tears every time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UQxp0YhRuM
He is so real, beloved. If the reality of Him hasn't wrecked you yet, I urge you with the truth that there is more. (There is always more. I have barely touched the reality of Him.) There is so much more of His presence. He doesn't choose to visit spiritual big shots. You don't have to be "important" to the world or to the mainstream Christian hierarchy to receive His tangible presence. He chooses to visit the poor in spirit wherever they are. He encompasses those who are willing to get on their faces before Him and lose it all. I so wish that I knew how to tell the people that give me that hearty "Good for you!" that He has more for them as well. It's not about what you do for Him. It's not about church. It's not about man-pleasing. It's not about what we think we're supposed to do. It's just about Him. It's about laying everything down for the tangible reality of Him. It's all His work anyway. We are merely the fragile, earthen vessels. He won't relent until He has it all. He wants your heart--not your works, not your strategies, not your plans for furthering His Kingdom. He wants your heart, weak though it may be. There is more, beloved. Don't settle any more. Let Him make Himself real to you.
With Brokenness and Love,
Sarah
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Visa Interview
Hello All,
This is only a quick update, but I talked to Roy yesterday, and he told me that he has been given his date for his visa interview. It will be October 27 at 8 AM (10 AM Eastern Standard Time). He's already begun the process of collecting the papers that he needs to show his ties to Honduras, and we've been creatively communicating back and forth so that he will have the answers that he needs to fill out his visa application because the answers have to be in English. It's so funny--every time I look at the next obstacle in the process, I get completely overwhelmed and think, "There's no way that he's going to want to mess with this. It's so ridiculous! So much unnecessary work and struggle. It's going to take him forever to do this. When is he going to find the time?" And then, I talk to him on the phone and tell him what the next step is, and he just calmly laughs and says, "Ok. Well, let's figure out how to do that!" His patience amazes me. At any rate, we would most definitely appreciate your prayers as he undergoes this process and especially for that visa interview which will ultimately determine whether or not he can come visit. We both just want God's will in the matter.
Thanks so much for reading!
Sarah
This is only a quick update, but I talked to Roy yesterday, and he told me that he has been given his date for his visa interview. It will be October 27 at 8 AM (10 AM Eastern Standard Time). He's already begun the process of collecting the papers that he needs to show his ties to Honduras, and we've been creatively communicating back and forth so that he will have the answers that he needs to fill out his visa application because the answers have to be in English. It's so funny--every time I look at the next obstacle in the process, I get completely overwhelmed and think, "There's no way that he's going to want to mess with this. It's so ridiculous! So much unnecessary work and struggle. It's going to take him forever to do this. When is he going to find the time?" And then, I talk to him on the phone and tell him what the next step is, and he just calmly laughs and says, "Ok. Well, let's figure out how to do that!" His patience amazes me. At any rate, we would most definitely appreciate your prayers as he undergoes this process and especially for that visa interview which will ultimately determine whether or not he can come visit. We both just want God's will in the matter.
Thanks so much for reading!
Sarah
Monday, October 4, 2010
Iris Ministries
Hello Everyone,
Life is going very well here. It is becoming fall, and the cool air and changing leaves bless me greatly. To update you on Roy's coming-to-the-US status, I'll tell you that he already has his passport, and he will be paying for the visa interview today and will find out when he can schedule that interview. We would greatly appreciate it if you kept that in your prayers.
Meanwhile, I spent a much-needed weekend at Shepherd mainly just basking in God's presence. I had much trouble getting stuff "done" just because He has so captivated me. I just feel a new sense of heaviness that sways from nostalgia and loss to instense love for whoever is before me or whoever He lays on my heart to swelling with feeling the love that He has for me to homesickness for Honduras and even more of His presence.
A couple weekends ago while I was at home, I stumbled across a documentary called Mama Heidi. Even just the title captivated my attention, and the premise resonated with me--it's about Heidi and Rolland Baker, missionaries to Mozambique, who founded Iris Ministries (http://www.irismin.org). They have a very similar ministry to Alvin's, and their stories are phenomenal. From an outside, worldly perspective, Heidi Baker is crazy, but she is precisely the kind of crazy that I want to be. Thousands of children call her "mama," and she is so fearlessly in love with Jesus. I don't even know how to express how her story and seeing a small glimpse of her life touched my heart, but I feel it has mildly ruined me in a good way. I watch clip after clip of her speaking or of her ministry in Mozambique, and all I can do is weep and tell God that I want the kind of anointing that she has. God has worked through her to heal the blind and the deaf. She has seen people raised from the dead in Mozambique, and they are experiencing an unspeakable revival because at the heart of it all is intimacy with the Father. It's not about strategies or plans or numbers. It is only intimacy with the Father. And that's what I so desperately want for Honduras. I want people to be healed. I want people to be raised from the dead. But most of all, I want the people of Honduras to encounter the love of God, for God to be so real to them that they not only experience salvation but also the tangible, presence of the love of God. I want to be a vessel of God's life so that His love can spill from me onto others. I want God to purify my heart, burn away everything that is not of Him, and crash like a wave into every element of my being so that I can be a fountain of His love. He is so real to me--more real to me than ever before. And I am so overwhelmed by Him.
With love,
Sarah
Life is going very well here. It is becoming fall, and the cool air and changing leaves bless me greatly. To update you on Roy's coming-to-the-US status, I'll tell you that he already has his passport, and he will be paying for the visa interview today and will find out when he can schedule that interview. We would greatly appreciate it if you kept that in your prayers.
Meanwhile, I spent a much-needed weekend at Shepherd mainly just basking in God's presence. I had much trouble getting stuff "done" just because He has so captivated me. I just feel a new sense of heaviness that sways from nostalgia and loss to instense love for whoever is before me or whoever He lays on my heart to swelling with feeling the love that He has for me to homesickness for Honduras and even more of His presence.
A couple weekends ago while I was at home, I stumbled across a documentary called Mama Heidi. Even just the title captivated my attention, and the premise resonated with me--it's about Heidi and Rolland Baker, missionaries to Mozambique, who founded Iris Ministries (http://www.irismin.org). They have a very similar ministry to Alvin's, and their stories are phenomenal. From an outside, worldly perspective, Heidi Baker is crazy, but she is precisely the kind of crazy that I want to be. Thousands of children call her "mama," and she is so fearlessly in love with Jesus. I don't even know how to express how her story and seeing a small glimpse of her life touched my heart, but I feel it has mildly ruined me in a good way. I watch clip after clip of her speaking or of her ministry in Mozambique, and all I can do is weep and tell God that I want the kind of anointing that she has. God has worked through her to heal the blind and the deaf. She has seen people raised from the dead in Mozambique, and they are experiencing an unspeakable revival because at the heart of it all is intimacy with the Father. It's not about strategies or plans or numbers. It is only intimacy with the Father. And that's what I so desperately want for Honduras. I want people to be healed. I want people to be raised from the dead. But most of all, I want the people of Honduras to encounter the love of God, for God to be so real to them that they not only experience salvation but also the tangible, presence of the love of God. I want to be a vessel of God's life so that His love can spill from me onto others. I want God to purify my heart, burn away everything that is not of Him, and crash like a wave into every element of my being so that I can be a fountain of His love. He is so real to me--more real to me than ever before. And I am so overwhelmed by Him.
With love,
Sarah
Monday, September 27, 2010
Hello All,
I thought on this rainy evening surrounded by peace and jazz music that I would update you on how things are.
As far as new news from Honduras, all I can relay is what I hear from the various people that I talk to. Roy tells me that Alvin has been in Nicaragua for the past little bit although he's not really aware of the reason he's there. Everything seems to be going as usual there. The girls are still in school, and Roy still takes them. Roy still goes to help Julio and Bessy on a regular basis. As of September 1, a volunteer named Haley has been living at the Eagle's Nest. She had lived and worked there before (prior to my time there this summer). I'm not sure how long she will be staying this time. TÃa Sally has been in the US since July, and she was set to come back this month. However, a passport mishap resulted in a later arrival date back to Honduras, so I believe she won't be getting back until the beginning of October now. Mamà Sara has been holding the fort down nicely, I'm sure, and I hear from her from time to time. I relish her phone calls and smile each time I hear, "Cómo está, mi hija?" There is also a couple that will be moving to Honduras following language school in Guatemala. As of right now, Chad and Trina Baron are in Guatemala and are adjusting along with their young son to live in the midst of learning. If you'd like to read more about how they are doing or their plans for working in Honduras, you can go to www.chadandtrinabaron.com
Meanwhile, Roy and I are undergoing an adventure of our own--trying to find a way that he can come visit me either for Christmas or in May for my graduation. The current plan is for Christmas provided that he can obtain a visa in time. You would not believe the process that he is going to have to undergo just to come visit. Those of us in the US take for granted how easy it is for us to simply travel nearly anywhere we like at the drop of a hat. All it mainly requires is a passport and obtaining a visa upon entry. It is wildly difficult for someone to come to the US if he or she is from a Third World country because he or she carries the burden of proving that he or she will return to their home country and not stay in the US. Hondurans first have to obtain a passport which costs $75. Next, they have to call the US embassy to retrieve a PIN number, which costs $13. During that call, they must set up an interview at the consulate. The interview costs $150, and there is a chance that they won't receive a visa at all--meaning all of that money is wasted. There is no way that the average Honduran could afford to travel to the US. It would takes months and months of saving money (provided that there was even a steady job from which to obtain money). Roy is just now beginning the passport stage. Getting a passport is the easy part--it only takes two days in Honduras! Next, he'll have to set up the interview. Generally, they will give Hondurans nearly a month to obtain all the papers and such that they will need to make their case for a visa. This can include a letter of invitation from me, a letter of financial sponsorship, identification of various kinds, and any kind of proof that they have ties to Honduras and will return--proof of ownership of possessions or a home or business, proof of employment, strong family obligations, etc. They will also check the average monthly balance of Roy's bank account to decide if he can afford this trip (thus, the need for a letter of financial sponsorship). Essentially, one 2-3 minute interview with a total stranger will determine whether or not he gets a visa. (I find that these sorts of scenarios are becoming a basic trend for our lives--only mine was a 20 minute interview on the phone rather than in person.) At any rate, we'd appreciate your prayers about this matter. The fact that Roy is willing to come (despite the fact that he doesn't speak much English) and share in my life the way that I have somewhat shared in his is a huge deal to me.
I almost feel as if this year the year caught between two worlds. On the one hand, I have very few people here in the US who completely understand my draw to Honduras (I don't know that anyone but God understand the depths of my reasons for going), and on the other, there is no one in Honduras that completely understands what my life has been in the US for the past 21 years. Thus, I think it would help me immensely to have Roy come and see and be that person who knows my past life as much as he's involved in my present. But, it is all in God's hands. Only His will.
Thinking about Roy coming is both incredibly exciting and mildly terrifying to me. The US is wildly different from Honduras. So many simple things are going to be completely new for Roy--being able to drink from the tap, hearing English all the time, and even just the landscape. He wants very much to see snow (which is why we're shooting for December). I find myself thinking about the smallest things in my life from his perspective. This can be quite clarifying and scary. We live in such luxury in this country that it's sickening, and it would have to be overwhelming for someone who has never experienced our sense of "normalcy." I worry about how my environment betrays my own selfishness (as much as it depicts the injustice of the world). I didn't do anything to be born in great wealth (compared to the rest of the world) in the US any more than Roy did anything to be born in Honduras. There's a part of me that worries that he'll judge me (even though I know in my heart that he is one of the most merciful people I know) based on the way that I live here in comparison to the way that I live in Honduras. This realization only amplifies the truth of how much God should judge me (and all of us in the US, really) for how we live while many in the rest of the world suffer, but instead, He readily offers grace, compassion, and mercy. I don't understand it.
Anyway, life here is going well. I paint and run and pray and tutor and read and cook and clean and do all the normal things that I do. I have started field work for my education class, and I am working with a high school Spanish teacher. Thus far, I like the experience. I have to teach three times and be observed, and I look forward to the opportunity to teach. My attached tutoring is going very well, and I enjoy working with my kids. Today, as part of a community service program with one of my scholarships, I went to Shepherdstown Elementary School to work with an afterschool program. I almost naturally gravitate towards the kids that are the worst-behaved, the handfuls. I love them so much! I worked with two precious boys this afternoon who are so intelligent (although they're always in trouble) and who brightened my afternoon with their unbridled dancing in the rain and unleashed antics. Being around them warmed my heart and freed my own spirit. If only we would learn to act as children. . .
I spent this past weekend at home again. I watched Samuel's and Naomi's soccer games and just enjoyed time spent with my family. I do so love being at home. It is difficult to make the four hour drive home only to have to turn around and go back again, but I am grateful for the time that I do have there.
Meanwhile, I have started reading Heidi Baker's book Compelled by Love, and it is both simple and amazing. I highly recommend it.
I hope that you are enjoying this blessed Monday and feeling His warmth and love.
Sarah
I thought on this rainy evening surrounded by peace and jazz music that I would update you on how things are.
As far as new news from Honduras, all I can relay is what I hear from the various people that I talk to. Roy tells me that Alvin has been in Nicaragua for the past little bit although he's not really aware of the reason he's there. Everything seems to be going as usual there. The girls are still in school, and Roy still takes them. Roy still goes to help Julio and Bessy on a regular basis. As of September 1, a volunteer named Haley has been living at the Eagle's Nest. She had lived and worked there before (prior to my time there this summer). I'm not sure how long she will be staying this time. TÃa Sally has been in the US since July, and she was set to come back this month. However, a passport mishap resulted in a later arrival date back to Honduras, so I believe she won't be getting back until the beginning of October now. Mamà Sara has been holding the fort down nicely, I'm sure, and I hear from her from time to time. I relish her phone calls and smile each time I hear, "Cómo está, mi hija?" There is also a couple that will be moving to Honduras following language school in Guatemala. As of right now, Chad and Trina Baron are in Guatemala and are adjusting along with their young son to live in the midst of learning. If you'd like to read more about how they are doing or their plans for working in Honduras, you can go to www.chadandtrinabaron.com
Meanwhile, Roy and I are undergoing an adventure of our own--trying to find a way that he can come visit me either for Christmas or in May for my graduation. The current plan is for Christmas provided that he can obtain a visa in time. You would not believe the process that he is going to have to undergo just to come visit. Those of us in the US take for granted how easy it is for us to simply travel nearly anywhere we like at the drop of a hat. All it mainly requires is a passport and obtaining a visa upon entry. It is wildly difficult for someone to come to the US if he or she is from a Third World country because he or she carries the burden of proving that he or she will return to their home country and not stay in the US. Hondurans first have to obtain a passport which costs $75. Next, they have to call the US embassy to retrieve a PIN number, which costs $13. During that call, they must set up an interview at the consulate. The interview costs $150, and there is a chance that they won't receive a visa at all--meaning all of that money is wasted. There is no way that the average Honduran could afford to travel to the US. It would takes months and months of saving money (provided that there was even a steady job from which to obtain money). Roy is just now beginning the passport stage. Getting a passport is the easy part--it only takes two days in Honduras! Next, he'll have to set up the interview. Generally, they will give Hondurans nearly a month to obtain all the papers and such that they will need to make their case for a visa. This can include a letter of invitation from me, a letter of financial sponsorship, identification of various kinds, and any kind of proof that they have ties to Honduras and will return--proof of ownership of possessions or a home or business, proof of employment, strong family obligations, etc. They will also check the average monthly balance of Roy's bank account to decide if he can afford this trip (thus, the need for a letter of financial sponsorship). Essentially, one 2-3 minute interview with a total stranger will determine whether or not he gets a visa. (I find that these sorts of scenarios are becoming a basic trend for our lives--only mine was a 20 minute interview on the phone rather than in person.) At any rate, we'd appreciate your prayers about this matter. The fact that Roy is willing to come (despite the fact that he doesn't speak much English) and share in my life the way that I have somewhat shared in his is a huge deal to me.
I almost feel as if this year the year caught between two worlds. On the one hand, I have very few people here in the US who completely understand my draw to Honduras (I don't know that anyone but God understand the depths of my reasons for going), and on the other, there is no one in Honduras that completely understands what my life has been in the US for the past 21 years. Thus, I think it would help me immensely to have Roy come and see and be that person who knows my past life as much as he's involved in my present. But, it is all in God's hands. Only His will.
Thinking about Roy coming is both incredibly exciting and mildly terrifying to me. The US is wildly different from Honduras. So many simple things are going to be completely new for Roy--being able to drink from the tap, hearing English all the time, and even just the landscape. He wants very much to see snow (which is why we're shooting for December). I find myself thinking about the smallest things in my life from his perspective. This can be quite clarifying and scary. We live in such luxury in this country that it's sickening, and it would have to be overwhelming for someone who has never experienced our sense of "normalcy." I worry about how my environment betrays my own selfishness (as much as it depicts the injustice of the world). I didn't do anything to be born in great wealth (compared to the rest of the world) in the US any more than Roy did anything to be born in Honduras. There's a part of me that worries that he'll judge me (even though I know in my heart that he is one of the most merciful people I know) based on the way that I live here in comparison to the way that I live in Honduras. This realization only amplifies the truth of how much God should judge me (and all of us in the US, really) for how we live while many in the rest of the world suffer, but instead, He readily offers grace, compassion, and mercy. I don't understand it.
Anyway, life here is going well. I paint and run and pray and tutor and read and cook and clean and do all the normal things that I do. I have started field work for my education class, and I am working with a high school Spanish teacher. Thus far, I like the experience. I have to teach three times and be observed, and I look forward to the opportunity to teach. My attached tutoring is going very well, and I enjoy working with my kids. Today, as part of a community service program with one of my scholarships, I went to Shepherdstown Elementary School to work with an afterschool program. I almost naturally gravitate towards the kids that are the worst-behaved, the handfuls. I love them so much! I worked with two precious boys this afternoon who are so intelligent (although they're always in trouble) and who brightened my afternoon with their unbridled dancing in the rain and unleashed antics. Being around them warmed my heart and freed my own spirit. If only we would learn to act as children. . .
I spent this past weekend at home again. I watched Samuel's and Naomi's soccer games and just enjoyed time spent with my family. I do so love being at home. It is difficult to make the four hour drive home only to have to turn around and go back again, but I am grateful for the time that I do have there.
Meanwhile, I have started reading Heidi Baker's book Compelled by Love, and it is both simple and amazing. I highly recommend it.
I hope that you are enjoying this blessed Monday and feeling His warmth and love.
Sarah
Thursday, September 16, 2010
College Graduation Here I Come!
Hello All,
So, true to my word, I am updating more. . .as in minutes later. My reasoning is this:
I just checked the score that I received on the OPI, and I got the score I needed to student teach and to graduate! I am so immeasurably grateful. God is so good to me, and He is so in control of my life. I am so thankful that my life resides only in His hands.
Love,
Sarah
So, true to my word, I am updating more. . .as in minutes later. My reasoning is this:
I just checked the score that I received on the OPI, and I got the score I needed to student teach and to graduate! I am so immeasurably grateful. God is so good to me, and He is so in control of my life. I am so thankful that my life resides only in His hands.
Love,
Sarah
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Independence Day
Hello All,
I know that it has been quite some time, and I don't know that any of you are necessarily still reading, but I thought I'd finally post an update. As the title above indicates, today is Independence Day--for Honduras (or at least it was when I started this entry). I can only imagine the celebrations that are going on, especially in La Esperanza. I miss it.
Life in the past month has been very good--quiet and simple. As I perhaps included in previous posts, right before I left Honduras, God directed me to Psalm 139, and I keep coming back to it here as well:
Psalm 139
God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too--
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful--
I can't take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute--
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts--how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them--any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you! . . .
Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong--
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
This scripture has become my prayer. More than anything, I long for God to investigate and purify my heart. In order to minister to others, I have to be a pure vessel. This is most definitely a year of preparation, and I cannot afford to waste time being complacent--not for me, not for the others I come in contact with, and not for Honduras. Thus, I want to be healthy in every aspect--spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want His presence to permeate every part of who I am, and I can gladly say that He is beginning to do just that.
My life on a day-to-day basis is fairly simple. I spend most of my time alone, actually. I go to class. I tutor in the afternoons, and I also have a job as an attached tutor for a remedial, "catch-up" English class here at Shepherd. I love my job! Although I am only in the classroom once a week helping the professor as she desires, the students in that class are very quickly becoming "my kids." I went from being an RA in the Honors dorm to working with students who feel like they don't know how to write. It's fitting for who I am and the direction that God is leading me. I feel right at home among them. In addition to the time I spend in class and tutoring, I also read, paint, and run often.
My senior project was approved, so I have started extensive reading that is no doubt a preparation for Honduras. My ultimate product will be an ESL curriculum specifically tailored for the forgotten youth of Honduras--juvenile delinquents, street kids, orphans, former gang members, etc. I recently finished a book called This Is for the Mara Salvatrucha by Samuel Logan, which is about the MS-13 gang. It's a gang that has a presence in the U.S. and Central America, and it is especially an issue among the people that I have met in Honduras. If you ever have the chance to read it, I highly recommend it. It sheds light onto not only the evil that surges through gang activity but also the very clear spiritual battle that is going on for so many youth across the world. Sadly, the fuel that often drives youth to become gang members is loneliness. It is only natural that everyone wants to be loved. We all crave a sense of family, and especially for many Latinos that are caught in the plight of homelessness or abandonement, it is a lifestyle that seems to offer what they are desperate for. However, it comes at such an unbelievably high price. Finishing that book presented me with some very strong questions for myself. I want to work with the forgotten, and that includes gang members. Thus, I found myself questioning, "Am I spiritually prepared to engage in the spiritual battle that is going on within the gang world?" and "Would I be willing to die at the hands of gang members if that is what God is calling me to?" I want both of the answers to those questions to be yes.
We don't hear a lot about martyrdom within the Western world, but it is certainly going on throughout the earth. One of the places where it is actually common is among the population of youth that decides to leave their gangs to become Christians. In Honduras, you can leave a gang to become a Christian. Gangs seem to have respect for that lifestyle, but you have to be serious. It is not a nonchalant decision. People wishing to leave the gang have to exit the same way they entered--by being jumped. For the two major gangs in Honduras, this entails receiving a beating for a designated amount of time by the designated number of members--for the two gangs in Honduras, it is either 18 or 13. If you survive the beating, you can be a Christian and are no longer a gang member. But, even then, the gang watches former members for a year to make sure that they are living the lifestyle that they have chosen. Any slip-up and gangs are ready to kill. When I was in Honduras, Papà Alvin told the story of two young gang members--one of whom now goes to the church in Tegus--who wished to leave the gang. The man who now goes to the church was receiving his beating, and while he was suffering and in tremendous pain, his best friend (who was still a gang member) kept telling him to hold on because it was worth it. The man survived and was free to be a Christian. His best friend later chose to become a Christian as well, but he was martyred. He didn't survive the beating.
Anyway, this is just one example of how God is shaping me. So often, I come back from Honduras feeling so torn between the culture of the U.S. and the culture of Honduras. But, God has finally taught me to want something better--His culture and His kingdom only. I almost feel as if I am having an out-of-body experience here in the U.S. I am taking every step possible to be pursuing the preparation God has for me here, yet I feel utterly disconnected from all that I have previously known. It is difficult to explain except to say that the U.S. isn't my home; Honduras isn't my home; I have finally found that the reality that means the most to me is only His Kingdom. Coincidentally, some of the songs that I have been stuck on recently come from a CD called Jesus Culture. Again, if you have the chance to listen to any of the songs, I greatly recommend the CD. One of the songs that convicted me the most was "Where You Go, I'll Go."
Where You go, I'll go
What You say, I'll say
What You pray, I pray
Life on God's terms is so very simple.
Running has become a central part of my life this year thus far as well. As I previously mentioned, I want to get healthy in all respects, and I am finding that so much of running is very spiritual. (Everything is spiritual, really.) I run 3-8 miles a day or at the very least a few times a week with a goal of 20 miles a week. I like to pray while I run. While my time alone and free time in general has made my dialogue with God so natural and constant, I find that running provides a time for me to stop focusing on me and my life so that I can intercede for the lives of others even if it is only through wordless sighs and aching groans. I find myself surrendering my runs to God and asking Him to move in the spiritual realm as I run around the track. Often times, God speaks through running to expose elements of myself that He still needs to uproot. It is humbling and a blessing to say the least.
Overall, God has brought me to an understanding of a basic struggle that I deal with often--complacency versus contentment. In short, complacency is self-satisfaction while contentment is God-satisfaction. God has begun to ask me in every aspect of life--are you satisfied? I dare you to begin to ask yourself this question within all realms of your life. It will shake you up because it defies the culture of the world we live in. It would seem that no one is satisfied--especially Christians in many cases. I am learning to rejoice in the satisfaction of God in so many of the details of my life. This being my first year in an apartment with a kitchen cooking for myself, I find that I am learning to be satisfied whether I am eating a sandwich or hot meal. And, when I am truly satisfied with Him, everything I eat tastes like the best thing in the world. I am becoming satisfied with spending my time alone--just me and God--even when I occasionally get lonely. Are you satisfied with your finances? Are you satisfied with your job? Are you satisfied with your family and your lifestyle? Are you satisfied with your home? If the answer is no, the only answer is to stop complacency (stop trying to fix all of these things to make yourself satisfied) and surrender all of those things to God, asking for His contentment. Be careful, though, because contentment only comes about by being in His will, which means we have to experience the pain of losing our own.
Loss is my current state of being. I grasp more and more every day what it means that this could be my very last year living in the U.S., and it blows my mind. I walk out of my apartment in the early morning, and the atmosphere has that weighty cinnamon smell of fall as I crunch dead leaves beneath my shoes. Autumn is my favorite season, and I may never experience it again after this year (or perhaps not in the same way, I don't know what the future holds). Honduras doesn't have changing leaves, and it's most noticeable season change is when the rainy season commences. I have begun to go through stuff. My book shelf (which typically contains my most prized possessions) is bare. My desk is now nearly empty. I keep throwing away pieces of my life, my past, and myself--old letters from friends, mementos from concerts and camps, old essays and ribbons. I am not one for a lot of "stuff" in general, but I am a memory keeper. I have kept so many things in my short life! Why do we have the inclination to hold onto the past as we do? I don't know. But, I do recognize the need for what Mamà Sara said in Honduras--we throw away the old to make room for the new that God wants to give us. It's all faith. I surrender the scraps of old memories knowing that God wants to give me new ones. I place treasured friendships and beloved people into the hands of God, knowing that He has called me to a new people. I have always been an adopter, so the idea of leaving behind people is relatively less painful because I adopt with no regard to proximity. I collect people no matter where I go, and through several painful lessons, I have learned that people are better suited in God's hands than in mine anyway.
God is the great conductor of my life right now, and in typical fashion, He brings encouragement to me in a variety of ways. This past weekend, I was home with my family when I came across a documentary called Mama Heidi on Netflix of all places. It is amazing. It is about a missionary couple in Mozambique who has a ministry, Iris Ministries, that is so very similar to Alvin's. The woman in the film, Mama Heidi, is, as my mother put it, very much a female Alvin. She adopts kids every where she goes. She loves the unlovely, and while I saw Jesus and Alvin in this woman while watching this documentary, I also saw myself. I want to spend my life loving the unlovely. I want to adopt everyone I come across. I want to bring the family of God to people that have no one. I want to be Mamà Sarah for those that don't have a mother. I have one very short life to live, and I don't want to waste it. There are so many that desperately need Jesus, and I want to take hold of the privilege of dying daily so that I can be Jesus to someone who does not know Him.
Another welcome encouragement came yesterday in the form of a phone conversation with Roy. I hadn't talked to him too much this past month, but as we began to compare the everyday events of our lives, I was so blessed to hear that we are doing and going through the same things. Roy is one of my closest friends, and it was initially difficult going from seeing him and talking to him every day to having little to no communication. But, in the midst of our separation physically, I take comfort in the truth that we are not separated spiritually. God is teaching us the same lessons in many cases, and we pray for each other often. I can't begin to express what an encouragement it is to know that I am not alone in my experiences. I miss Roy greatly, but God is leading us both in such a way that we are able to encourage each other.
I know that this entry is unbearably long (now that I have a laptop, I'll try to keep up with this better so as not to overwhelm next time), but I have one last update. I took the OPI (Spanish proficiency telephone interview) last Thursday. In addition to the personal weight it carries for me (determining student teaching and graduation possibilities), my score will also have an impact on the Spanish education department. The program is fairly new, and in order to achieve full accreditation status, they have to show evidence of progress via their students. There are only a handful of us Spanish education majors, and I will (hopefully) be the first to graduate with full certification. If I don't receive the score I need, the program likely does not have the results it needs to reach full accreditation. Saying all of that, it went very well. I wasn't nervous. I won't receive the results for a while, but I went into it know that God works it all for His good (and, thus, my good as well). He had His hand on the entire interview, and my life is in His hands. No matter what happens, He receives all the glory.
Thanks for sharing in my journey,
Sarah
I know that it has been quite some time, and I don't know that any of you are necessarily still reading, but I thought I'd finally post an update. As the title above indicates, today is Independence Day--for Honduras (or at least it was when I started this entry). I can only imagine the celebrations that are going on, especially in La Esperanza. I miss it.
Life in the past month has been very good--quiet and simple. As I perhaps included in previous posts, right before I left Honduras, God directed me to Psalm 139, and I keep coming back to it here as well:
Psalm 139
God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too--
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful--
I can't take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute--
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts--how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them--any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you! . . .
Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong--
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
This scripture has become my prayer. More than anything, I long for God to investigate and purify my heart. In order to minister to others, I have to be a pure vessel. This is most definitely a year of preparation, and I cannot afford to waste time being complacent--not for me, not for the others I come in contact with, and not for Honduras. Thus, I want to be healthy in every aspect--spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want His presence to permeate every part of who I am, and I can gladly say that He is beginning to do just that.
My life on a day-to-day basis is fairly simple. I spend most of my time alone, actually. I go to class. I tutor in the afternoons, and I also have a job as an attached tutor for a remedial, "catch-up" English class here at Shepherd. I love my job! Although I am only in the classroom once a week helping the professor as she desires, the students in that class are very quickly becoming "my kids." I went from being an RA in the Honors dorm to working with students who feel like they don't know how to write. It's fitting for who I am and the direction that God is leading me. I feel right at home among them. In addition to the time I spend in class and tutoring, I also read, paint, and run often.
My senior project was approved, so I have started extensive reading that is no doubt a preparation for Honduras. My ultimate product will be an ESL curriculum specifically tailored for the forgotten youth of Honduras--juvenile delinquents, street kids, orphans, former gang members, etc. I recently finished a book called This Is for the Mara Salvatrucha by Samuel Logan, which is about the MS-13 gang. It's a gang that has a presence in the U.S. and Central America, and it is especially an issue among the people that I have met in Honduras. If you ever have the chance to read it, I highly recommend it. It sheds light onto not only the evil that surges through gang activity but also the very clear spiritual battle that is going on for so many youth across the world. Sadly, the fuel that often drives youth to become gang members is loneliness. It is only natural that everyone wants to be loved. We all crave a sense of family, and especially for many Latinos that are caught in the plight of homelessness or abandonement, it is a lifestyle that seems to offer what they are desperate for. However, it comes at such an unbelievably high price. Finishing that book presented me with some very strong questions for myself. I want to work with the forgotten, and that includes gang members. Thus, I found myself questioning, "Am I spiritually prepared to engage in the spiritual battle that is going on within the gang world?" and "Would I be willing to die at the hands of gang members if that is what God is calling me to?" I want both of the answers to those questions to be yes.
We don't hear a lot about martyrdom within the Western world, but it is certainly going on throughout the earth. One of the places where it is actually common is among the population of youth that decides to leave their gangs to become Christians. In Honduras, you can leave a gang to become a Christian. Gangs seem to have respect for that lifestyle, but you have to be serious. It is not a nonchalant decision. People wishing to leave the gang have to exit the same way they entered--by being jumped. For the two major gangs in Honduras, this entails receiving a beating for a designated amount of time by the designated number of members--for the two gangs in Honduras, it is either 18 or 13. If you survive the beating, you can be a Christian and are no longer a gang member. But, even then, the gang watches former members for a year to make sure that they are living the lifestyle that they have chosen. Any slip-up and gangs are ready to kill. When I was in Honduras, Papà Alvin told the story of two young gang members--one of whom now goes to the church in Tegus--who wished to leave the gang. The man who now goes to the church was receiving his beating, and while he was suffering and in tremendous pain, his best friend (who was still a gang member) kept telling him to hold on because it was worth it. The man survived and was free to be a Christian. His best friend later chose to become a Christian as well, but he was martyred. He didn't survive the beating.
Anyway, this is just one example of how God is shaping me. So often, I come back from Honduras feeling so torn between the culture of the U.S. and the culture of Honduras. But, God has finally taught me to want something better--His culture and His kingdom only. I almost feel as if I am having an out-of-body experience here in the U.S. I am taking every step possible to be pursuing the preparation God has for me here, yet I feel utterly disconnected from all that I have previously known. It is difficult to explain except to say that the U.S. isn't my home; Honduras isn't my home; I have finally found that the reality that means the most to me is only His Kingdom. Coincidentally, some of the songs that I have been stuck on recently come from a CD called Jesus Culture. Again, if you have the chance to listen to any of the songs, I greatly recommend the CD. One of the songs that convicted me the most was "Where You Go, I'll Go."
Where You go, I'll go
What You say, I'll say
What You pray, I pray
Life on God's terms is so very simple.
Running has become a central part of my life this year thus far as well. As I previously mentioned, I want to get healthy in all respects, and I am finding that so much of running is very spiritual. (Everything is spiritual, really.) I run 3-8 miles a day or at the very least a few times a week with a goal of 20 miles a week. I like to pray while I run. While my time alone and free time in general has made my dialogue with God so natural and constant, I find that running provides a time for me to stop focusing on me and my life so that I can intercede for the lives of others even if it is only through wordless sighs and aching groans. I find myself surrendering my runs to God and asking Him to move in the spiritual realm as I run around the track. Often times, God speaks through running to expose elements of myself that He still needs to uproot. It is humbling and a blessing to say the least.
Overall, God has brought me to an understanding of a basic struggle that I deal with often--complacency versus contentment. In short, complacency is self-satisfaction while contentment is God-satisfaction. God has begun to ask me in every aspect of life--are you satisfied? I dare you to begin to ask yourself this question within all realms of your life. It will shake you up because it defies the culture of the world we live in. It would seem that no one is satisfied--especially Christians in many cases. I am learning to rejoice in the satisfaction of God in so many of the details of my life. This being my first year in an apartment with a kitchen cooking for myself, I find that I am learning to be satisfied whether I am eating a sandwich or hot meal. And, when I am truly satisfied with Him, everything I eat tastes like the best thing in the world. I am becoming satisfied with spending my time alone--just me and God--even when I occasionally get lonely. Are you satisfied with your finances? Are you satisfied with your job? Are you satisfied with your family and your lifestyle? Are you satisfied with your home? If the answer is no, the only answer is to stop complacency (stop trying to fix all of these things to make yourself satisfied) and surrender all of those things to God, asking for His contentment. Be careful, though, because contentment only comes about by being in His will, which means we have to experience the pain of losing our own.
Loss is my current state of being. I grasp more and more every day what it means that this could be my very last year living in the U.S., and it blows my mind. I walk out of my apartment in the early morning, and the atmosphere has that weighty cinnamon smell of fall as I crunch dead leaves beneath my shoes. Autumn is my favorite season, and I may never experience it again after this year (or perhaps not in the same way, I don't know what the future holds). Honduras doesn't have changing leaves, and it's most noticeable season change is when the rainy season commences. I have begun to go through stuff. My book shelf (which typically contains my most prized possessions) is bare. My desk is now nearly empty. I keep throwing away pieces of my life, my past, and myself--old letters from friends, mementos from concerts and camps, old essays and ribbons. I am not one for a lot of "stuff" in general, but I am a memory keeper. I have kept so many things in my short life! Why do we have the inclination to hold onto the past as we do? I don't know. But, I do recognize the need for what Mamà Sara said in Honduras--we throw away the old to make room for the new that God wants to give us. It's all faith. I surrender the scraps of old memories knowing that God wants to give me new ones. I place treasured friendships and beloved people into the hands of God, knowing that He has called me to a new people. I have always been an adopter, so the idea of leaving behind people is relatively less painful because I adopt with no regard to proximity. I collect people no matter where I go, and through several painful lessons, I have learned that people are better suited in God's hands than in mine anyway.
God is the great conductor of my life right now, and in typical fashion, He brings encouragement to me in a variety of ways. This past weekend, I was home with my family when I came across a documentary called Mama Heidi on Netflix of all places. It is amazing. It is about a missionary couple in Mozambique who has a ministry, Iris Ministries, that is so very similar to Alvin's. The woman in the film, Mama Heidi, is, as my mother put it, very much a female Alvin. She adopts kids every where she goes. She loves the unlovely, and while I saw Jesus and Alvin in this woman while watching this documentary, I also saw myself. I want to spend my life loving the unlovely. I want to adopt everyone I come across. I want to bring the family of God to people that have no one. I want to be Mamà Sarah for those that don't have a mother. I have one very short life to live, and I don't want to waste it. There are so many that desperately need Jesus, and I want to take hold of the privilege of dying daily so that I can be Jesus to someone who does not know Him.
Another welcome encouragement came yesterday in the form of a phone conversation with Roy. I hadn't talked to him too much this past month, but as we began to compare the everyday events of our lives, I was so blessed to hear that we are doing and going through the same things. Roy is one of my closest friends, and it was initially difficult going from seeing him and talking to him every day to having little to no communication. But, in the midst of our separation physically, I take comfort in the truth that we are not separated spiritually. God is teaching us the same lessons in many cases, and we pray for each other often. I can't begin to express what an encouragement it is to know that I am not alone in my experiences. I miss Roy greatly, but God is leading us both in such a way that we are able to encourage each other.
I know that this entry is unbearably long (now that I have a laptop, I'll try to keep up with this better so as not to overwhelm next time), but I have one last update. I took the OPI (Spanish proficiency telephone interview) last Thursday. In addition to the personal weight it carries for me (determining student teaching and graduation possibilities), my score will also have an impact on the Spanish education department. The program is fairly new, and in order to achieve full accreditation status, they have to show evidence of progress via their students. There are only a handful of us Spanish education majors, and I will (hopefully) be the first to graduate with full certification. If I don't receive the score I need, the program likely does not have the results it needs to reach full accreditation. Saying all of that, it went very well. I wasn't nervous. I won't receive the results for a while, but I went into it know that God works it all for His good (and, thus, my good as well). He had His hand on the entire interview, and my life is in His hands. No matter what happens, He receives all the glory.
Thanks for sharing in my journey,
Sarah
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Dying Star
Hello to anyone still reading!
Well, I took a much-needed hiatus from blogging to settle in to school and try to adjust. It is never easy. I had my one day home to pack, and I have been at Shepherd for a little over a week. For the first few days, it was all I could do to keep from having an emotional breakdown in the middle of class or whatever public place I was in. This semester is academically and in terms of work, the easiest I have ever had. I have free time, and I feel like I'm wandering around as a lost person because of that free time. Last semester, I had 20 hours of credit and held three jobs. It is quite a shift for me. Thus, in addition to feeling the huge sense of loss from leaving Honduras, I also felt a strong loss of identity and self. Whether I mean to or not, I too often define myself and my value by what I do.
Last year, God made it very clear that I had filled my time unnecessarily, that I was trying to operate within doing my own "good" things instead of surrendering my precious time for His best purposes. Thus, I decided not to return to the Resident Assistant job or work for The Picket, Shepherd's newspaper, any longer. Just because I only had two required classes for this semester before student teaching, I am taking classes that are easier and interest me--Painting II, Sign Language I, and Women's Self-defense. I love all of my classes, but I am unaccustomed to having free time. I am not the kind of person who knows how to relax. I am always busy, always doing something. Thus, my loss of identity as a hard worker, as an RA, etc. was quite overwhelming. On my first day of class, I just told God that I felt lost, like an alien in my own country, etc., and I went for a run. During that run, the song "Dying Star" by Jason Upton came on my IPod.
I have gotten stuck on that song so many times in the past couple years, but once again, it spoke to me. I would highly recommend looking it up if you've never heard it because it is one of the most powerful, convicting songs I've ever heard. Some of the lyrics that stand out in this unusual, prophetic song are:
I was just hanging out with the Lord one day, and I said, Lord, I want to be a part of Your army. . . . I want to be a part of that generation that You raise up, and the Lord just sang this over me. He said:
You got your best men on your front side. You always show your best side. Evil's always on the other side. You say this is your strategy. Son, I hope you'll take it from Me. You look just like your enemy. You're full of pride. You're full of pride. Better trash our idols if we're gonna be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. We better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So we trash our idols cause we want to be in the army of the Lord.
Whatever You want, oh God. No battle was ever won in the entire Bible by anyone but our Lord. It's not good music that breaks the yoke. It's the anointing of Jesus that breaks the yoke and sets us free, oh God. All through the Bible, God used people who didn't have a clue, who didn't have all the answers. They didn't really know anything. They had no strategy. Their only strategy was looking up to heaven and saying, "My eyes are on you. My eyes are on You. My eyes are on You."
Star, how beautiful you shine. You shine more beautiful than Mine. You shine from sea to shining sea. Worldwide is your strategy. Shining star, I hope you see that if the whole wide world is staring straight at you, they can't see Me. They can't see Me. I want them to know Me, but they can't see Me. I want them to know Me. I want to show My glory, but they can't see Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your fantasy. Think that you're better than Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your man-made religiosity. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your strategies. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. So the world can see just another dying star.
Better trash our idols if we're going to be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. Better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So I trash my idols cause I want to be in the army of the Lord. In the army of the Lord. Raise up an army. Raise up an army. Raise up an army, oh God. There's no room for idolatry in the army of the Lord. There's no room for man-pleasing in the army of the Lord. Raise us up, oh God.
Break it off of us right now. Break it off of us right now. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me.
God began to remind me as I was listening to this song and running that I am right in the middle of His purposes. He told me in Mexico that this was the year that He would be teaching me how to share with others, how to lose it all, how to be unselfish, and how to be a humble servant. He chooses the least of these, and I so desire only to the be the least of these in His kingdom. He has made it clear to me that if I want to be first in the kingdom of God, I have to be content on my knees, broken, crying out in helplessness to Him. My first desire and focus has to be on Him, and I have to be willing to lose all of myself. The lines that I bolded are the ones that stand out the most for me. That word "strategy" was highly convicting for me. I am a list maker. I make a new to-do list every couple of days, and before I returned to the US, I made a list of people that I could reach out to and ways that I could help or bless people. It seems so silly, I know. And as that word "strategy" came up, God reminded me of that list--essentially a list for how I could keep busy, a strategy--and He made it clear that I am supposed to feel lost. I am supposed to have free time. I am not supposed to have a strategy, even if it is a strategy for "good" things. The good things that stem from my own mind are the very thing that distract me from His best. My eyes are only meant to be on Him and not even on others for the purpose of serving them.
I recently watched the movie, Inception, and I loved it. I like any movie that causes me to think, but it was especially appropriate for my current place in life. As was also the case last summer, God brought Romans 12 to my mind during my time of adjustment to the US. I may have included it in previous blogs, but it is so powerful and appropriate, I'll include it again because I believe that it is the plea of God to the US, and it is certainly God's direction for me:
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. . . . Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
The idea behind Inception is essentially the questioning of reality as it is a movie that deals with dreams. Every time I return from Honduras, I am faced with that question of reality because the reality that I live when I am in Honduras is completely different from the reality of the United States. Every time I go to Honduras, I find that I come back even more mellow and even less likely to worry about things that the average person worries about in the United States. Seeing how people live with very little or must endure situations that they literally have no means of helping makes the majority of the gripes of the US so trivial. All they can do is give the problem to God, and because that has been my reality among them, I find that it is more often my first response when I first return although I still have my times of unnecessary worry.
The point that I make with all of these scattered thoughts is this: The world I see around me is not reality. In every moment, in every place that I am, I have the choice to view the world through the perspective of flawed humans to create a worldly reality, or I can choose to look through God's perfect perspective to see the reality of His Kingdom. In His reality, I can see Jesus in every single person. In His reality, the only strategy is His best--the loss of self, looking to Him, and unconsciously displaying His glory. In His reality, every situation--seemingly bad or not--is worked for His good. If I only have one year left here in the US, and realistically, if I only have one short life to live, I want to live every moment in His reality--no distractions, no veering into my own perspective, no wasting of time, no blind complacency.
I have been praying that God would grant me a humble heart, and during my time in Honduras, it became clear that for me that means learning to accept the grace of God and the nothingness of myself--for me, learning to have a humble heart means that I have to learn to stop running to Him with my "good" offerings of help and service. Having a humble heart for me (and all of us, really) means just what it says in Romans 12--embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Accepting help is very difficult for me because it means vulnerability. In Honduras, Roy and I spent the summer basically struggling over who could serve each other more. We are both very stubborn people, and neither of us really likes to accept help because we're so dedicated and accustomed to being the one serving. We're always trying to be more accommodating for the other person. I had to learn through our interactions that it brings Roy immense joy to serve and help me, just as it brings me immense joy to serve and help him. When I reject his loving help out of pride or fear of vulnerability, I hurt him because by rejecting his help, an extension of him, I am also rejecting him. It works the same way with God. When I reject God's help or when I simply get so busy trying to serve Him that I don't even notice what He is doing for me (and in spite of my ignoring Him), I reject Him, and this hurts Him. We are His children, and it brings Him great joy to lavish His love and His goodness onto us. We just have to have the sense and the humility to accept it.
I have also been praying for a long time that God would teach me how to witness and reach others with His love. And what He has been saying to me since I've been back in the US is that it is not my conscious work. If I want to reach others with His love, I have to learn how to accept His love, to truly be saturated with His love so that it can spill onto others (often without my knowledge). I have to learn to accept His every good gift and allow Him to have all of the glory. I have to learn to let Him heal me from the inside out. I have to accept His gift of nothingness, His gift of free time, and His gift of humility. And, as with every gift from God, after I accept it (and for me, learning to truly allow it to saturate my being is the most difficult), I have to offer it back up to Him as an offering.
When I keep all of this in mind, my life is the greatest adventure because it is not my life--it is His, and He can do whatever He wants with it. Even though I miss Honduras greatly, I am so excited to be back because this is obviously where He has me. I want Him to have His way.
Anyway, I recently met with my advisor and found out some news that initially had me in one of those phases of unnecessary worry. Last year, the state of West Virginia changed the standards for Spanish education and required that before I graduate, I have to pass an oral Spanish proficiency interview and receive a score of Advanced Low. I took it last year when I first had returned from Honduras. Although I practiced with my advisor and he felt sure I would receive the score I needed, when I was actually interviewed by telephone by the tester, I was two levels short of what I needed. Initially, I was quite crushed, but I later realized that once again, God has a purpose for everything. This "failure" was essentially the only reason that I applied for the scholarship to the language school in Mexico. If I would've gotten the score I needed, I never would have felt it necessary to go to language school at all, and I would have missed out on an amazing, God-granted experience. Well, they once again changed the standard, and thus, instead of having to get that score before I graduate which gives me more time to re-take it, I have to receive that score before I will be permitted to even apply to student teach--September 22 is the deadline. I looked at the website to schedule my interview, and I found out that if I still don't receive the score I need, I can't re-take it for 90 days--missing the deadline to apply to student teach and essentially keeping me from graduating on time. After three years of intense work and good grades and fulfilled requirements, one 20-minute conversation in Spanish on the telephone with a total stranger determines whether or not I graduate on time. This is absolutely hilarious to me since I don't even plan to teach Spanish in West Virginia, and I don't even need my teaching certification for the direction and place my life is going. From the world's reality, that is incredibly stressful and seems wildly unfair. (I hate standardizing testing anyway.) But even as I was feeling the weight of that paralyzing stress yesterday morning, God quietly asked me, "In whose hands are you? In whose hands is this test?" His. The answer has to be His. Thus, whether or not I get the score that I need, whether or not I graduate on time, whether or not I ever receive my fancy academic piece of paper, I am in His hands. Why should I ever worry? I only want His glory anyway. But, it is something to pray about if you wouldn't mind.
Thanks for reading!
Until next time,
Sarah
Well, I took a much-needed hiatus from blogging to settle in to school and try to adjust. It is never easy. I had my one day home to pack, and I have been at Shepherd for a little over a week. For the first few days, it was all I could do to keep from having an emotional breakdown in the middle of class or whatever public place I was in. This semester is academically and in terms of work, the easiest I have ever had. I have free time, and I feel like I'm wandering around as a lost person because of that free time. Last semester, I had 20 hours of credit and held three jobs. It is quite a shift for me. Thus, in addition to feeling the huge sense of loss from leaving Honduras, I also felt a strong loss of identity and self. Whether I mean to or not, I too often define myself and my value by what I do.
Last year, God made it very clear that I had filled my time unnecessarily, that I was trying to operate within doing my own "good" things instead of surrendering my precious time for His best purposes. Thus, I decided not to return to the Resident Assistant job or work for The Picket, Shepherd's newspaper, any longer. Just because I only had two required classes for this semester before student teaching, I am taking classes that are easier and interest me--Painting II, Sign Language I, and Women's Self-defense. I love all of my classes, but I am unaccustomed to having free time. I am not the kind of person who knows how to relax. I am always busy, always doing something. Thus, my loss of identity as a hard worker, as an RA, etc. was quite overwhelming. On my first day of class, I just told God that I felt lost, like an alien in my own country, etc., and I went for a run. During that run, the song "Dying Star" by Jason Upton came on my IPod.
I have gotten stuck on that song so many times in the past couple years, but once again, it spoke to me. I would highly recommend looking it up if you've never heard it because it is one of the most powerful, convicting songs I've ever heard. Some of the lyrics that stand out in this unusual, prophetic song are:
I was just hanging out with the Lord one day, and I said, Lord, I want to be a part of Your army. . . . I want to be a part of that generation that You raise up, and the Lord just sang this over me. He said:
You got your best men on your front side. You always show your best side. Evil's always on the other side. You say this is your strategy. Son, I hope you'll take it from Me. You look just like your enemy. You're full of pride. You're full of pride. Better trash our idols if we're gonna be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. We better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So we trash our idols cause we want to be in the army of the Lord.
Whatever You want, oh God. No battle was ever won in the entire Bible by anyone but our Lord. It's not good music that breaks the yoke. It's the anointing of Jesus that breaks the yoke and sets us free, oh God. All through the Bible, God used people who didn't have a clue, who didn't have all the answers. They didn't really know anything. They had no strategy. Their only strategy was looking up to heaven and saying, "My eyes are on you. My eyes are on You. My eyes are on You."
Star, how beautiful you shine. You shine more beautiful than Mine. You shine from sea to shining sea. Worldwide is your strategy. Shining star, I hope you see that if the whole wide world is staring straight at you, they can't see Me. They can't see Me. I want them to know Me, but they can't see Me. I want them to know Me. I want to show My glory, but they can't see Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your fantasy. Think that you're better than Me. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your man-made religiosity. Rise, rise, rise. Live out your strategies. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. Rise, rise, rise so the world can see. So the world can see just another dying star.
Better trash our idols if we're going to be in the army of the Lord. The greatest idol is you and me. Better get on the threshing floor. When will we learn that God's strategy is giving glory to the Lord? So I trash my idols cause I want to be in the army of the Lord. In the army of the Lord. Raise up an army. Raise up an army. Raise up an army, oh God. There's no room for idolatry in the army of the Lord. There's no room for man-pleasing in the army of the Lord. Raise us up, oh God.
Break it off of us right now. Break it off of us right now. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me. More of You and less of me.
God began to remind me as I was listening to this song and running that I am right in the middle of His purposes. He told me in Mexico that this was the year that He would be teaching me how to share with others, how to lose it all, how to be unselfish, and how to be a humble servant. He chooses the least of these, and I so desire only to the be the least of these in His kingdom. He has made it clear to me that if I want to be first in the kingdom of God, I have to be content on my knees, broken, crying out in helplessness to Him. My first desire and focus has to be on Him, and I have to be willing to lose all of myself. The lines that I bolded are the ones that stand out the most for me. That word "strategy" was highly convicting for me. I am a list maker. I make a new to-do list every couple of days, and before I returned to the US, I made a list of people that I could reach out to and ways that I could help or bless people. It seems so silly, I know. And as that word "strategy" came up, God reminded me of that list--essentially a list for how I could keep busy, a strategy--and He made it clear that I am supposed to feel lost. I am supposed to have free time. I am not supposed to have a strategy, even if it is a strategy for "good" things. The good things that stem from my own mind are the very thing that distract me from His best. My eyes are only meant to be on Him and not even on others for the purpose of serving them.
I recently watched the movie, Inception, and I loved it. I like any movie that causes me to think, but it was especially appropriate for my current place in life. As was also the case last summer, God brought Romans 12 to my mind during my time of adjustment to the US. I may have included it in previous blogs, but it is so powerful and appropriate, I'll include it again because I believe that it is the plea of God to the US, and it is certainly God's direction for me:
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. . . . Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
The idea behind Inception is essentially the questioning of reality as it is a movie that deals with dreams. Every time I return from Honduras, I am faced with that question of reality because the reality that I live when I am in Honduras is completely different from the reality of the United States. Every time I go to Honduras, I find that I come back even more mellow and even less likely to worry about things that the average person worries about in the United States. Seeing how people live with very little or must endure situations that they literally have no means of helping makes the majority of the gripes of the US so trivial. All they can do is give the problem to God, and because that has been my reality among them, I find that it is more often my first response when I first return although I still have my times of unnecessary worry.
The point that I make with all of these scattered thoughts is this: The world I see around me is not reality. In every moment, in every place that I am, I have the choice to view the world through the perspective of flawed humans to create a worldly reality, or I can choose to look through God's perfect perspective to see the reality of His Kingdom. In His reality, I can see Jesus in every single person. In His reality, the only strategy is His best--the loss of self, looking to Him, and unconsciously displaying His glory. In His reality, every situation--seemingly bad or not--is worked for His good. If I only have one year left here in the US, and realistically, if I only have one short life to live, I want to live every moment in His reality--no distractions, no veering into my own perspective, no wasting of time, no blind complacency.
I have been praying that God would grant me a humble heart, and during my time in Honduras, it became clear that for me that means learning to accept the grace of God and the nothingness of myself--for me, learning to have a humble heart means that I have to learn to stop running to Him with my "good" offerings of help and service. Having a humble heart for me (and all of us, really) means just what it says in Romans 12--embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Accepting help is very difficult for me because it means vulnerability. In Honduras, Roy and I spent the summer basically struggling over who could serve each other more. We are both very stubborn people, and neither of us really likes to accept help because we're so dedicated and accustomed to being the one serving. We're always trying to be more accommodating for the other person. I had to learn through our interactions that it brings Roy immense joy to serve and help me, just as it brings me immense joy to serve and help him. When I reject his loving help out of pride or fear of vulnerability, I hurt him because by rejecting his help, an extension of him, I am also rejecting him. It works the same way with God. When I reject God's help or when I simply get so busy trying to serve Him that I don't even notice what He is doing for me (and in spite of my ignoring Him), I reject Him, and this hurts Him. We are His children, and it brings Him great joy to lavish His love and His goodness onto us. We just have to have the sense and the humility to accept it.
I have also been praying for a long time that God would teach me how to witness and reach others with His love. And what He has been saying to me since I've been back in the US is that it is not my conscious work. If I want to reach others with His love, I have to learn how to accept His love, to truly be saturated with His love so that it can spill onto others (often without my knowledge). I have to learn to accept His every good gift and allow Him to have all of the glory. I have to learn to let Him heal me from the inside out. I have to accept His gift of nothingness, His gift of free time, and His gift of humility. And, as with every gift from God, after I accept it (and for me, learning to truly allow it to saturate my being is the most difficult), I have to offer it back up to Him as an offering.
When I keep all of this in mind, my life is the greatest adventure because it is not my life--it is His, and He can do whatever He wants with it. Even though I miss Honduras greatly, I am so excited to be back because this is obviously where He has me. I want Him to have His way.
Anyway, I recently met with my advisor and found out some news that initially had me in one of those phases of unnecessary worry. Last year, the state of West Virginia changed the standards for Spanish education and required that before I graduate, I have to pass an oral Spanish proficiency interview and receive a score of Advanced Low. I took it last year when I first had returned from Honduras. Although I practiced with my advisor and he felt sure I would receive the score I needed, when I was actually interviewed by telephone by the tester, I was two levels short of what I needed. Initially, I was quite crushed, but I later realized that once again, God has a purpose for everything. This "failure" was essentially the only reason that I applied for the scholarship to the language school in Mexico. If I would've gotten the score I needed, I never would have felt it necessary to go to language school at all, and I would have missed out on an amazing, God-granted experience. Well, they once again changed the standard, and thus, instead of having to get that score before I graduate which gives me more time to re-take it, I have to receive that score before I will be permitted to even apply to student teach--September 22 is the deadline. I looked at the website to schedule my interview, and I found out that if I still don't receive the score I need, I can't re-take it for 90 days--missing the deadline to apply to student teach and essentially keeping me from graduating on time. After three years of intense work and good grades and fulfilled requirements, one 20-minute conversation in Spanish on the telephone with a total stranger determines whether or not I graduate on time. This is absolutely hilarious to me since I don't even plan to teach Spanish in West Virginia, and I don't even need my teaching certification for the direction and place my life is going. From the world's reality, that is incredibly stressful and seems wildly unfair. (I hate standardizing testing anyway.) But even as I was feeling the weight of that paralyzing stress yesterday morning, God quietly asked me, "In whose hands are you? In whose hands is this test?" His. The answer has to be His. Thus, whether or not I get the score that I need, whether or not I graduate on time, whether or not I ever receive my fancy academic piece of paper, I am in His hands. Why should I ever worry? I only want His glory anyway. But, it is something to pray about if you wouldn't mind.
Thanks for reading!
Until next time,
Sarah
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