Back to Sleep

I love the smell of a new journal. Mmmm. Fresh, clean pages not littered with feelings or thoughts, quotations or words. No bleeding ink marks. Fresh smells of manufactured paper and the glue of the binding are welcoming for me. I finished my last little journal this morning--a purple one that was a birthday gift from Mama Cheryl. As of May 17, I have been journaling (more or less) consistently for a year. What a good journey it has been, and I am glad that this is a habit I've developed. It has been so nice to revisit old memories, old struggles, and old prayers. Some of them remain the same while others seem so trivial now. I wish I had last summer's journals with me. I intended to bring them, but as I was trying to shed luggage poundage and embrace the new adventure before me, I left them at home. It would be nice to have them now just on the off-chance that my own words from the past would be comforting to me. But I suppose that even these would be a substitute for just seeking God alone right now in this moment and this place.

Last night, we went to church (Roy, me, Kevin--mi hermanito who I have missed so much!--, and the girls from the Eagle's Nest). As a side note, the girls from the Eagle's Nest are my saving grace in many ways. They readily love on me and feel so much like my sisters. They allow me into their home, their room, and their lives with such ease that they revive the idea of Honduras as home. Kendi (who now actually chooses to spell her name "Quendy") hugs me the most as she remembers our last summer together, and I love sharing laughing glances with her that give me some release. Blanca and Diana tend to keep to themselves, but they, too, were here last summer and are very dear to me. Finally, there is Mayra--a precious soul who talks a mile a minute in Spanish (so I catch all of five words if that) and is a tiny little girl although she is 15-years-old. I love her as she has become like a little security blanket to me in situations where I feel like I'm drowning in my own emotions. She is my right-hand friend who sits with me at church and welcomes me to the world every morning. I am so grateful for her.

Anyway, we went to church last night, and Pastor Marcus started talking about making unselfish choices, bringing each decision to God who sees the bigger picture rather than automatically taking the best for ourselves. Good word. Good reminder for me of how I need to serve, even those that cause my heart the most ache.

After church, Roy needed help with some English. His brother, Nahum, is taking an intermediate English class and made arrangements for Roy to take a placement test into that class. Roy wanted to take the basic class originally but just didn't have time. As we were going over present tense, negative sentences in the present tense, and the present progressive tense, I realized just how difficult English is. There seems to be no method to the madness, and teaching it next week is going to be wildly interesting. I'm not even remotely prepared. Roy has a really great level of English reading comprehension, but he hasn't had grammar instruction since high school. Since he's 23, it's been quite a while, and he was really struggling. To be honest, I think he decided not to take the test after we talked because I told him that he needs the structure of learning the tenses and not just from piecing it together from his brother's worksheet. If I had more time, I could teach him without any problems. He is smart, and he learns quickly. But, languages need to be learned in stages, so even if he passed the test, he'd be lost at the intermediate level. It was an interesting experience. I do like to teach. I feel like my experiences at Shepherd have left a bad taste of teaching in my mouth in general, but there is still a part of me that greatly enjoys the challenge of teaching.

After we were done with that, he left, and I went to bed around 11. By 12:30 AM, I was wide awake for no apparent reason. So, I e-mailed my mom, prayed, and waited for sleep. I have no idea why I'm having such a hard time sleeping here. Eating has also been a bit of a challenge although I have been recently reminded of how much I love the delicious simplicity of rice, beans, and mantequilla. I was doing all right this morning. Roy and I took two of the girls to Casitas Kennedy so that they could go to classes. Later that morning, though, the roller coaster once again commenced, so I escaped to my room to revamp my suitcases and sort through my teaching supplies. While trying to stay busy, I started listening to Alli Rogers' song "Nothing to Cry About." Ironically enough, it was listening to this song that released a good, yet needed, cry. The lyrics were very appropriate:
Nothing to Cry About by Alli Rogers
There's nothing to cry about tonight
All your thoughts are brave
But they make you tired
It's only us and the world is small and new
Like I don't know anything
But how I'm in love with you

I'll hold you when the nights get long
I'll hold you when the times get tough
I'll love you when you've had too much
And love you when you can't get enough
Baby, close your eyes
'Cause we are in the angels' keep
Push your worries all aside
And let me rock you back to sleep

There's nothing to cry about tonight
It's not your job to know if everyone's all right
Let me tell you how perfect you are to me
And we're all that matters now as far as I can see

I'll hold you when the nights get long
I'll hold you when the times get tough
I'll love you when you've had too much
And love you when you can't get enough
Baby, close your eyes
'Cause we are in the angels' keep
Push your worries all aside
And let me rock you back to sleep
Back to sleep

That song was perfect for me because I imagined God singing it to me. I think I have forgotten the reality of the depth of God's love. It's amazing, really. Meanwhile, what stuck with me was the idea of sleep--not so strange for someone who is rather sleep-deprived and exhausted at the moment. Last summer, I prayed that God would just put me to sleep in His will. . .that I wouldn't be looking for certain things or making plans because I just wanted to take the time to be in love with Him. Today, with this song, I was reminded of this prayer. And I can think of nothing better than allowing God to rock me back to sleep because I am so tired of my own thoughts and struggles. Like a lamb caught in a fence, I've only exhausted myself by struggling against the wires, and I've only gotten myself deeper in captivity. So, asleep in trust it is!

God is definitely dealing with me here. This morning I was reading in Matthew 10:
If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
And Matthew 11:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

Furthermore, I started reading Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity for about the millionth time. Oddly enough, I already knew before I left that it would be a very helpful book during this phase of life. In it, she references the story of Abraham being asked by God to sacrifice Isaac. Wildly appropriate for me right now. God is asking me to give up the very things that He has given me. How much do I love Him? How much do I trust Him and His best? In the book, Elliot references a book by Lilias Trotter called Parables of the Cross:
The fair new petals must fall, and for no visible reason. No one seems enriched by the stripping. And the first step into the realm of giving is a like surrender--not manward but Godward: an utter yielding of our best. So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning: that is not worthy of the name for "no polluted thing" can be offered.
She also includes a quotation from Ruth Stull:
If my life is to be broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad.
S. D. Gordon was also featured:
Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear.
I ask that God would lead me in doing all of them. And although my heart echoes Elisabeth Elliot's question of "How long, Lord, must I wait?" I also hear His same answer to her: "Never mind, child. Trust me."

And, in the spirit of hilarity, I have decided to include some early labor advice for birthing mothers because it makes me laugh and is awkwardly relevant.
"Things to Do in Early Labor" by Robin Elise Weiss
"Early labor is often a time when people panic. It's not that they are experiencing a lot of pain from contractions, it's simply that they don't know what they should be doing and work themselves up. . . . When a mom becomes anxious early on in her labor it really sets the tone. This can mean that labor may be longer or more painful because of the mother's inability to relax."
"Sources of Unnecessary Pain in Childbirth"
"Many women become obsessed with timing . . . For some, there is a fear that if you do not pay attention, you may miss something. Some of the signs of progress in labor can be subtle, but you will not miss the major signs. When contractions begin, ignore them and go about your day for as long as you can. When the contractions demand more attention, give them only as much as they demand. . . . Don't waste your energy by paying attention too early."

I hope, quite sincerely, that you are laughing with me. Life is infinitely better when not taken too seriously.

:D Sarah